A Class Act
Original Airdate: March 15, 1988

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (coming in holding a sandwich in a napkin) What is that? What is that in your mouth?
CHRISTINE: (speaking with her mouth full) Breakfast.
MARY BETH: You sit here, stuffing your face with junk (waving the sandwich) and couldn't wait for your lunch!
CHRISTINE: (still eating) I was hungry.
MARY BETH: Somebody up there is selling jars with a picture of my face on.
CHRISTINE: What are you raving about?!
MARY BETH: First I stopped to interview Dolores Templeman who was stuffing her face in her kitchen. Then I break the heel off my best comfortable pumps but this is nothing, Christine, compared to my visit to Morcelli for our lunch.
CHRISTINE: Was he out of the diet-special?
MARY BETH: The place is wall-to wall with cavemen. You know the type. Nasty when they're hungry. So eventually it's my turn to order when some guy, with his knuckles scraping on the floor, pushes in front of me!
CHRISTINE: Did they take him out on a stretcher?
MARY BETH: Christine, I am a courteous person.
CHRISTINE: They pronounced him dead on the spot.
MARY BETH: I very calmly turned to him and I say 'Sir, you got a fire detector or what? Wait your turn'. And then I order you a Napoleon. At which this guy hits the roof. Right in my face. 'That's my Napoleon. That's the last one' and he snatches it right out of Morc's hands! And then I give him the bows and arrows, Christine. 'It's mine, muscle-head. If you'd been here first, maybe you'd have got it' and I snatched it right back. And then this jerk starts yelling 'You're lucky you're a lady, lady'.
CHRISTINE: I love you.
MARY BETH: Back and forth goes the Napoleon.
CHRISTINE: Uneven contest. Even better.
MARY BETH: How do you know I won?
CHRISTINE: Never a doubt. Now listen. While you were out, we got a call. A burglary at the Children's Hospital last night.
MARY BETH: Oh, Lord! Before we go I'll have to change my shoes. (handing Chris the sandwich) You better eat every crumb of this.
(Mary Beth hobbles off to the locker room)
COLEMAN: (who has brought in Nick Amatucci) Visitor!
NICK AMATUCCI: (holding a two separate sandwiches) Hey, I wanted to know what's cooking.
NICK AMATUCCI: I was working in the area so I shoot by to catch you some lunch.
(Corassa and Esposito come up to Chris with Nick)
CHRISTINE: Oh, you should have called. I have lunch already.
NICK AMATUCCI: No big deal. (offering one to Esposito) One pastrami.
CORASSA: How much?
NICK AMATUCCI: It's on me. (shaking Corassa's hand) Hey, Nick Amatucci
CORASSA: Al Corassa. How ya doing?
NICK AMATUCCI: Nice to meet you.
ESPOSITO: (offering his hand) Manny Esposito! What's your line of fire?
NICK AMATUCCI: I'm a plumber.
CHRISTINE: He fixed me.
ESPOSITO: How long you kids been at it?
CHRISTINE: What, are you writing a book, Esposito?
CORASSA: (eating the Sandwich) Morc's Deli. I mean, those guys really know pastrami.
NICK AMATUCCI: Yeah, he creates the best Napoleons too. I almost had one until this pushy broad cut right in front of me.
CHRISTINE: (Chris looking up from Mary Beth's Napoleon which she is tucking into) Pushy broad?
SAMUELS [OC]: Corassa, Esposito! In my office!
CORASSA: Duty calls. Thanks for the pastrami.
NICK AMATUCCI: Don't mention it.
ESPOSITO: (shaking Nick's hand) Be cool, brud.
NICK AMATUCCI: Nice to catch you
CHRISTINE: (standing up) Pushy broad?
NICK AMATUCCI: Ah, yeah! What a mouth on! I very politely pointed out to her that I was there first. But she was so stuck on herself. You know the type, probably a cheerleader in high school.
MARY BETH: (who has come back in) You!!! What is it with you?!! You wanna file a formal complaint now?!
NICK AMATUCCI: What are you following me down here?!!
CHRISTINE: This is my partner, Mary Beth Lacey. Mary Beth, this is my friend, Nick Amatucci.
MARY BETH: I'm sure.

[Samuels' office]

CORASSA: Will's sweet on informing against her. He'll come across.
SAMUELS: He'd better. I'm getting tired of you two guys coming up empty on this one.
ESPOSITO: Are you decorating, sir?
SAMUELS: No, I'm just looking at a picture (which he has just take it down off the wall) of my Academy graduation.
ESPOSITO: Get out of town! Nineteen sixty-one!
SAMUELS: A great year.
ESPOSITO: How young you look!! Don't tell me. Let me guess which one is you here.
SAMUELS: Third from the left.
CORASSA: Whoo hoo!
ESPOSITO: Look how young you look! You are ageing very gracefully, sir.
SAMUELS: See the guy on my right hand? That's Danny Cobbin. Me and him were partners in my salad days. What a guy! What a character,
CORASSA: Still on the job, is he?
SAMUELS: What? No, no, no. He's in Malibu, the lucky scamp. Yeah, he's head of security of some fancy, smancy hotel. He's flying in here tomorrow.
CORASSA: Oh, it'll be great to catch up on old times.
SAMUELS: Yeah, we had a few every Wednesday night, you know, even after I made Detective, him and his wife, me and Thelma, we would get together, take in a movie, down a few. Then him and me would arm wrestle over who was gonna buy the next round.
ESPOSITO: Sure. My ex-partner works in a clothes store. Every time I walk in, he acts as if he doesn't wanna know me.
CORASSA: No wonder.
SAMUELS: No, not my partner. Danny and me, we we're like brothers.

[Squad car]

CHRISTINE: Well, I'm flattered. You and Nick slugging it out over the prize Napoleon.
MARY BETH: It had nothing to do with you. It's the principle, Christine, I was there first.
CHRISTINE: Of course it's nothing to do with principles. It's no big deal.
MARY BETH: In a deli? That's what you call muscling a lady over a pastry?
MARY BETH: You noticed his muscles, huh? They're pretty damn cute too, don't you think?
MARY BETH: Hm. He's an interesting character, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, because the two of you got off on the wrong foot, it took me a while to warm up to Harvey.
MARY BETH: Oh, really?
CHRISTINE: Remember that lunch at the construction site? Now, here's this guy, bearing down on two Hero sandwiches.
MARY BETH: Harvey gets hungry when he works hard.
CHRISTINE: He picks one up, slaps it down in front of me, And I ended up looking at it like a kitten. I can tell you I wasn't fascinated.
MARY BETH: Who asked you to be?
CHRISTINE: The point is, I gave it some time, and now I love him for it.
MARY BETH: Does he love you?

[Hospital reception]

MARY BETH: Miss. Casebolt,...
GRACE CASEBOLT: God, I'm gonna lose some points for this one. They were animals. They cut it right out of the frame. Right out of the frame!!!
CHRISTINE: Let's all calm down, Miss. Casebolt.
MARY BETH: Was the painting insured, Miss. Casebolt?
GRACE CASEBOLT: Would I be tearing my hair out if it was?!!
CHRISTINE: Why wasn't it? A quarter of a million dollars!
GRACE CASEBOLT: Look, I know how these things work. I was going to insure it. But the premiums were obscene! Which means, as an Administrator, I have to install an alarm system. I was wrong. OK?!
MARY BETH: And the painter?
CHRISTINE: Phillip Greenlow.
MARY BETH: Yes. He donated the painting two weeks ago?
GRACE CASEBOLT: Yes. We were gonna auction it to raise money for a new burns unit. That was why it was left here on display.
MARY BETH: Well, don't lose hope, Miss. Casebolt. These things sometimes have a way of turning up.
GRACE CASEBOLT: Oh, sure. Like the wallet I lost on the subway last week.

[Squad car]

CHRISTINE: My junior year in Paris, I could have bought a Greenlow for peanuts.
MARY BETH: So you like his paintings?
CHRISTINE: Yeah, but that's not the point. The point is, today it would have been worth a fortune. But I bought a new jacket instead.
MARY BETH: As Eileen always says, 'Don't waste your money on candy and peanuts'. My cousin, Eileen. She's always carrying on about how she could have bought IBM for five bucks last year.
CHRISTINE: Well, Pierre insisted I needed to be a devil and see France.
MARY BETH: Pierre?.
CHRISTINE: He was my Spring dream. I learnt to drive with him. Burn a little rubber as soon as he gets in and then spin the wheels right off...
MARY BETH: Don't tell me his life story? It's in the past and it doesn't matter who. ...My mother's cousin, Roy,..

[Phillip Greenlow's studio]

PHILLIP GREENLOW: Quand est vous a Paris?
CHRISTINE: Soixante-cinq.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: That Spring I looked out my window and all I saw were American girls with long hair and short skirts. You were the best thing that happened to an ex-patriot.
CHRISTINE: Well, I remember you guys too. Selling your paintings on the streets, sketching in cafés, trying to get into our backpack.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: There was that great little bakery by to La Copoule.
CHRISTINE: Yeah! Do you remember that witch that hated all the Americans?! Every dirty French word I know I learnt from her.
MARY BETH: Mr. Greenlow, the painting. Do you remember anybody expressing strong interest in it before you donated it to the hospital?
PHILLIP GREENLOW: My agent has the list on enquiries. When I was first painting in Paris I didn't get a soul interested. Back then I was sleeping in a bathtub. Sweet-talking college girls into buying me dinner.
CHRISTINE: Times have changed, huh?
MARY BETH: Has any of your work been stolen before, sir?
PHILLIP GREENLOW: Are you referring to what the dealers do to me?
MARY BETH: I wouldn't know about that, Mr. Greenlow.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: I got it. Your Queens accent I got right off. There's a little bit of South Boston in there. Am I right?
MARY BETH: That's very good, sir.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: Phil. Queens is my stomping ground too.
CHRISTINE: You're kidding!
MARY BETH: I would have guessed Soho ...or The Village.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: You were expecting a tortured man, bloated with wine, missing a left ear, huh? Or maybe a guy with a beret and a limp wrist?
MARY BETH: No, not exactly.
MARY BETH: Yes, ...guilty.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: I play poker every Saturday night and I never miss a Knicks game. (going over to an abstract painting) Do you like it?
CHRISTINE: Very much.
(Mary Beth, with her head on its side looking at it, says nothing)

[Samuels' office]

MARY BETH: We've been checking on Mr. Greenlow's agent's list, sir. Zilch.
SAMUELS: Have you put out a description of the painting to all points connected?
CHRISTINE: And a list of the galleries that have got their hands dirty before. We're gonna hit those tomorrow and pull them apart.
SAMUELS: Oh, two of my finest women brave the uptown side of crime, huh? Lunch at trendy cafés, imported water in shiny crystal.
CHRISTINE: Whatever it needs for the cause, Lieutenant. After all, this is for the Children's Hospital.
SAMUELS: Oh, well, just make sure you touch base in the afternoon. I may be leaving early tomorrow.
MARY BETH: Thank you, sir.
SAMUELS: A friend of mine is coming by.
MARY BETH: Your old partner, sir?
SAMUELS: Yeah. Time flies, do you know what I mean?
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
SAMUELS: One minute your life seems to be almost all future, and you and your friends think it is gonna go on forever, and then you blink and ...you're having a reunion. Ha, ha, ha.
CHRISTINE: Right. We do have a case, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.
MARY BETH: You look very good, sir.
SAMUELS: Ha. Thank you.
(he picks up the picture)

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: Christine, I'm thinking of tan leather gloves, and a hat with coloured feathers. That would work, wouldn't it?
CHRISTINE: (who has chalked out and grabbed her coat) Oh, Mary Beth, don't be silly. Just wear your nice things. What did you get Harvey for his birthday?
MARY BETH: A monogrammed bowling ball, fifteen weight, made in the USA. Muriel has a hat that has a sweet little broach and a net.
CHRISTINE: We're going to art galleries, Mary Beth. not the opera! Just wear your hair!!
MARY BETH: I wanna look out of place.
CHRISTINE: You're gonna look fine, Mary Beth! Women are doing this all the time. It's not important. You know, men should not be allowed to have birthdays until they date a woman at least six months!
MARY BETH: You asked me about Harvey for Nick Amatucci?!
CHRISTINE: Birds of a feather! I thought maybe we could go out together some time. You know, now Nick has shown you his good side. And you could show him yours.
MARY BETH: When you and David were an item it took an Act of Congress to get us on a double date. And you're talking about your first.
CHRISTINE: I just thought that Harvey and Nick might hit it off.
MARY BETH: Harvey would never jump a line and body check a person for a pastry.
CHRISTINE: Oh, do you wanna change the record, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: They have nothing in common.
CHRISTINE: (as Mary Beth leaves for home) You're right. Nick flings bowls on Tuesday night and Harvey bowls on Monday.
MARY BETH: Good night, Christine. You go and buy Mr. Amatucci anything you like. I am gonna go and buy myself a hat with a broach and a dozen feathers. I'll see ya tomorrow.

[Laceys' bedroom]

(Mary Beth is admiring a hat with feathers)
MARY BETH: He's creative and worldly. Sophisticated. (she puts it on and looks in the mirror) They were in Paris at the same time. She should be going out with somebody like him, only younger.
HARVEY: (reading a newspaper) That Gary Hardy's something else. Do you know what he's up to now?
MARY BETH: No, no. She has to get herself involved with a plumber.
HARVEY: Yeah. Well, you always said (coming up) there were certain advantages to men who work with their hands.
MARY BETH: Yeah, but this man is obnoxious and rude, Harvey.
HARVEY: (kissing Mary Beth's neck from behind while she plays with the hat) Sounds like a man for Chris.
HARVEY: What is the tree-hat for?
MARY BETH: Tomorrow morning. This here hat, Harvey, is featured in Vogue magazine, and I am going to be properly dressed.
HARVEY: Stay away from the Park, Mary Beth. That thing may have friends out there.

[Detectives' Squad room]

SAMUELS: (waving a report) What are you doing this for?! This is a waste of time!!
BASIL: Esposito said...
SAMUELS: That's who I'm talking to!!!
ESPOSITO: Well, maybe it wasn't a shot in the dark.
SAMUELS: (thrusting the document into Esposito's hands and indicating Corassa as well) The next time you two want out of line, you better check with me first!
DAN COBBIN: (coming in and shouting across the room) Hey, it's time for the good guys to take back to The Bronx!
SAMUELS: No perp can outrun us!!!
DAN COBBIN: No punk can outgun us!
SAMUELS: And no con can outgrass us!!
(turning back and embracing Dan Cobbin)
SAMUELS/DAN COBBIN: And no jail breaker can outlast us!!!
SAMUELS: Danny boy!!!
DAN COBBIN: B 'ead!!! B 'ead!!
SAMUELS: I didn't think you were here till this afternoon!
DAN COBBIN: I couldn't wait.
SAMUELS: Boy, am I glad you're here!!
(he takes a lei from around his neck and puts it around Samuels' neck)
DAN COBBIN: You need to wear this.
SAMUELS: Hey, you look great!!!!
CORASSA: What do you think?
SAMUELS: (realising everyone is standing there) What are you guys looking at!! Come on everybody, back to work! (referring to the lei as they go off arm in arm to Samuels' office) What, did you just get me one? Why didn't you get me the grass skirt to go with it.

[Gallery #1]

GALLERY OWNER #1: (referring to an abstract painting) It's invigorating how Sam Green uses repeated forms to address the viewer in actual space, rather than implying a metaphorical one.
CHRISTINE: The irony certainly is refreshing but I think his illusion to the Pre-Raphaelite Movement is rather obvious.
MARY BETH: Very obvious.
CHRISTINE: (about another painting) Ah, here we have a Phillip Greenlow.
CHRISTINE: And for us that his work is truly ...sidereal.
(the duo works their way round the galleries of the Upper East Side, crossing the names off a list one at a time)

[Gallery #2]

CHRISTINE: (referring to an abstract painting) Yes, yes, yes, it's very charming. What about the Greenlow?
GALLERY OWNER #2: The last one he donated for charity.
CHRISTINE: Of course. You made Mr. Greenlow such a poor offer for that very work, he thought it would be better to donate it.
MARY BETH: That was before...
GALLERY OWNER #2: You need the security, you know, and now ...it's gone.
CHRISTINE: Well, for us, that's what makes his work so tantalising.
(the gallery owner and Chris talk about Paris in French)
GALLERY OWNER #2: Vraimnent!
CHRISTINE: C'est si bon.
GALLERY OWNER #2: Ah, bon! (she asks Mary Beth a question in French)
MARY BETH: Ah, bohn!!

[631 Park Avenue]

(outside of gallery #2)
MARY BETH: (pointing to her feathered hat) This feels like playing softball at South Boston Grammar School. (the gallery owner waves to them through the window. The duo waves back) R. T. Feathers, she was the captain, and she used to send me way out in right field hoping that no one would hit the ball that far. There I sat ...in the dandelions.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, would you stop playing the artsy, smartsy people and leave it to me.
MARY BETH: You were great back there, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Oh, yeah!
MARY BETH: Grace Kelly in "High Society".
CHRISTINE: Yeah? I was playing my mother. A flashback on my cavity-prone years. Before I graduated, every Saturday was our day of culture. We'd have lunch in the Russian Tea Room followed either by a symphony or the museum.
MARY BETH: That sounds nice. One time my mother took the Saturday off from work and took me to the Radio City Music Hall. And we saw the Christmas Pageant with a full symphony orchestra.
CHRISTINE: Too groovy to be a clone. But I got out in the nick of time.
MARY BETH: There was a movie we were supposed to go to at the Rockefeller Center, but my mother was so tired, so we went home. Still, it was a great day. ...A great day.

[Laceys' dining room]

HARVEY: (coming in from the kitchen) OK, Mary Beth, I vote for pizza, Michael votes for chicken in a basket, Alice is undecided.
MARY BETH: (studying a prospectus) Whatever you want, Harvey.
HARVEY: Oh, come on, babe, you've gotta break the tie. (referring to the prospectus) What is this?
MARY BETH: I'm figuring out what classes I can take this semester.
HARVEY: I thought you were gonna give yourself a break, babe.
MARY BETH: There's an Art History I wanna do and a Music Appreciation.
HARVEY: Two classes.
MARY BETH: Tuesday and Thursday, start at six.
HARVEY: The nights you're supposed to pick up Alice!
MARY BETH: Well, how about if we switch around the schedule, sweetheart?
HARVEY: That is a hell of a time to mess with, babe!
MARY BETH: Harve, I'm trying to feel er, inignorant. 'Cos me, I just take in night courses. So as much as I try, I never catch up.
HARVEY: To who?!
MARY BETH: When Christine was nineteen, she was hobnobbing with artists in Paris.
HARVEY: We all wish we had a trust fund, babe.
MARY BETH: No, it's not that, Harvey. It's... It's the experience. What she learnt from being there. Wouldn't you like to take Alice to the Museum of Modern Art and be able to tell her all about the paintings.
HARVEY: We can take her, babe. We can take her and rent the cassette for her.
MARY BETH: I want it to come from us, Harvey! I'm trying to broaden my horizons here! And if you're not gonna be supportive, I vote for chicken in a basket.
HARVEY: Mary Beth, you can't burn the candle from both ends.
MARY BETH: I know what I'm doing. Listen to this, Harvey. 'Russian and Soviet Music from Glinka to the Present'.

[Chris's loft]

CHRISTINE: (putting a boxed gift tied with a big bow in front of him) Happy birthday.
NICK AMATUCCI: Oh, Chris, you didn't have to go to all this trouble.
CHRISTINE: It's no trouble. Just a little something I picked up. (he takes the bow off and opens the box) Fine. (he takes out a white shirt with a tie on it) Hm? Kind of a French silk. (picking up a handkerchief from the box) Look! For your pocket.
CHRISTINE: Do you like it?
NICK AMATUCCI: Yeah, it's kind of groovy. Yes.
NICK AMATUCCI: Where would I wear this?
CHRISTINE: Anywhere. You would wear it out! What do you mean, 'Where would you wear it?'.
NICK AMATUCCI: Are you trying to drop me a hint or something? Planning on us going some place which I don't have the right clothes for? We've been out what, four times. You've seen my whole wardrobe.
CHRISTINE: It's a shirt! I'm glad you like it. I think I hear dinner burning.
(she checks the oven and than picks up a birthday cake with candles on a stand to which she puts the finishing touches. Nick gets up and comes across)
NICK AMATUCCI: So what are you working on? A juicy murder.
CHRISTINE: Stolen painting.
NICK AMATUCCI: Real smoozer, huh. How did you get saddled with that?
CHRISTINE: I asked to be on the case. This is not the rip off, paint by numbers, you know. It happens to be a very prestigious piece of art.
NICK AMATUCCI: You're pretty uptown for a cop, aren't you?!
CHRISTINE: Well, there are some things more important than Monday night football.
NICK AMATUCCI: Whatever blows your dress up.
CHRISTINE: So what did you do today? Unclog a drain?!
NICK AMATUCCI: Oh, that's very nice.
CHRISTINE: I spent a lot of time picking that shirt out for you!! You know, somebody gets something nice, and they go to a lot of trouble, it's not ...inappropriate to show some gratitude!!!
NICK AMATUCCI: Oh yeah? You know, I didn't feel a lot of that coming my way when I drove all the way across town to your favourite deli to bring you lunch.
CHRISTINE: Oh, so you weren't just working in the area!! Well, I do not like mixing my social life with work.
NICK AMATUCCI: Or is it me that doesn't mix? You know, you can't make me into a Brooks Brothers man, Chris.
CHRISTINE: I don't like that kind of man.
NICK AMATUCCI: Look, ...your shirt's fine. I'm really tired. I've got an early morning.
(he picks up his jacket and puts it on)
CHRISTINE: Well, what about dinner?!
NICK AMATUCCI: I should go. I call you. OK?
(he leaves. She tucks into the cake)

[Pete's Tavern]

DAN COBBIN: You may have me beat there but I know I got you clobbered at the Health Department.
SAMUELS: Oh, leave it off, will ya?! (tapping his heart) Angina!!! Ulcers!! (picking up a large stein) You consider, the Doc would have a fit if he could see me having a few cold ones!
DAN COBBIN: What about kidney stones and the crystal lights of the room?! And a bowl of bran every morning!
SAMUELS: Hey, bran!! Here's to the breakfast of champions. (clinking glasses) Danny, I'm obviously sorry about not being able to make to Viv's funeral.
SAMUELS: I really tried to get away for that. I felt very bad about it.
DAN COBBIN: That was four years ago. But ...life goes on.
SAMUELS: Here's to back then! ...And to now. (clinking glasses again) Partner.

[Brooklyn street]

(later they have just got out of a cab. The Lone Star Bar is boarded up)
SAMUELS: The Lone Star Bar. Well, so much for the last stop on every cop's beat. (pointing to the 'For lease' sign) Look at that, Danny.
DAN COBBIN: Oh, no. Now, how many times did we ever get it right?
SAMUELS: Every time! (pointing to the club next door) Remember that movie house.
SAMUELS: Six bits and you could get in there.
DAN COBBIN: And clean.
DAN COBBIN: Remember Freddie's smoke shop?
SAMUELS: Oh, yeah. Sure.
DAN COBBIN: What was it he used to tell us?
SAMUELS: 'A pack a day keep's the bad guys away'!
DAN COBBIN: Yeah, didn't he used to give you a freebie pack of those God-awful things?
SAMUELS: Chesterfield! Jack Webb used to smoke 'em.
DAN COBBIN: Yeah. (looking up at a lit room window) I guess there's no way ...she still lives there, huh?
SAMUELS: Boy, wasn't she something.
DAN COBBIN: Oh, I say, what a smile, what a girl. I tried everything. She wouldn't give me the time of day. Ha, ha.
SAMUELS: She gave me the time of day.
DAN COBBIN: What?! You never told me that.
SAMUELS: It was our secret.
DAN COBBIN: Hey, Bert, there's something ...something I wanna ask you.
SAMUELS: Go ahead and ask!
DAN COBBIN: Last Christmas, Thelma, she took a ...vacation out to Malibu.
SAMUELS: Yeah, I know that. She said that in her postcard. I didn't tell you. I'm a grandfather now.
DAN COBBIN: Yeah, Thelma told me. Well, she looked me up and we er, talked about the old days.
SAMUELS: You've gotta see this kid. Nguyen's his name. He is something else.
DAN COBBIN: Bert, we had a good time together.
SAMUELS: What are you trying to tell me?
DAN COBBIN: After she left, we started writing ...and calling. Now, she's got two weeks vacation coming. She's thinking about flying out again to see me. I wanted to be straight with you, Bert, ...before I tell her 'Yes'.

[Manhattan street]

(the duo comes out of yet another gallery)
MARY BETH: (reading from the catalogue) It says here that Greenlow uses en pasto in his painting. What is that?
CHRISTINE: It's a green sauce made from greens and pine nuts.
MARY BETH: Fine. Go ahead. Make fun of me.
CHRISTINE: It means that he applies his paint very thickly.
MARY BETH: Ah. And what is this here? Forevision.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, can we take a recess. I wanna make an AA meeting. Will you drop me off?
MARY BETH: OK. Fine. Beats Alphabet City, huh? I mean, I'd take art galleries over shooting galleries any day of the week.
CHRISTINE: This is a very historic block.
CHRISTINE: Do you realise where you are standing, Mary Beth?
CHRISTINE: Forty-five years ago, my mother was coming out of that hotel, right there, when her purse was snatched.
MARY BETH: No kidding. How many times have we walked this same street and you never mentioned that to me before?
CHRISTINE: It's important to keep mystery in the relationship. Anyway, before she could scream, this young beat cop appeared from just nowhere, ran after the perp and landed a flying tackle on him and ...grabbed her purse ...back!
MARY BETH: Don't tell me.
CHRISTINE: You got it. From that moment on, Charlie Cagney was her hero.
MARY BETH: Oh, Christine, ...that's the most romantic thing I ever heard. It's like Omar Sharif meeting Julie Christie in "Doctor Zhivago".
CHRISTINE: Wasn't he pumping her stomach?!
MARY BETH: No! No, it was her mother's stomach. ...Serious. Well, anyhow ...they met.
(Mary Beth walks off)

[AA meeting]

AA LEADER: (as Chris comes in at the back) Anybody like to share, with a burning desire, raise your hand.
NICK AMATUCCI: Yeah. I'm Nick and I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Nick.
NICK AMATUCCI: Yesterday it was my fortieth birthday. And I spent... I tried to spend it with a woman I really care about. I know I bring a lot of baggage into these things. You see er, my wife and I... my ex-wife and I met when I was with the Seniors at high school. I was captain of the football team. She was cheerleader and we were getting married that summer. (Chris sits quietly down) But, after a number of years, how many tackles I made in homecoming games didn't mean squat. My letter man's jacket wore out. My wife wanted to climb and it didn't take her too long to figure out that I wasn't moving up. So she left me. That's a tough one to accept, you know, your wife thinking that she's better than you. But I couldn't accept it so I drank. Well, I don't drink anymore and, like I said, (Chris goes to leave) I met this woman and ...I'd really like it to work out. ...But there's something real familiar about the way things are going ...and I'm not gonna take that same ride again.
AA LEADER: OK. Thank you, Nick. Is there anybody else? Or anyone else like to chair? Come on now, let's not be shy. (Chris leaves) Does anyone have a burning desire? If not I may point at you and you know how that feels!

[Precinct House front desk]

(Mary Beth returns with food in a bag and checks her messages)
SAMUELS: (coming up) Cagney not around?
MARY BETH: I'm on my own for the rest of the day, sir.
SAMUELS: No fun eating on your own, is it?
MARY BETH: No sir. To me it's er, like a little holiday, sir.
SAMUELS: Oh yeah. I find that when I eat alone I eat too much. Why don't you come back to my office, Lacey? Bring your lunch too.

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: (opening his lunch box) A little conversation helps the digestion.
MARY BETH: This is very nice, sir. It's er, much better.
SAMUELS: I never thought I would become a grass-eater. Every thing changes in life.
SAMUELS: Let me ask you a question. A hypothetical question.
MARY BETH: Hypothetical, sir?
SAMUELS: Mm. Let's say a few years down the line, you and Harvey get divorced.
MARY BETH: (pausing in mid-bite) Why would we do that, sir?
SAMUELS: Not working out. You know, you're a little too involved with your career, maybe, and he resents that ... and er, instead of airing it out, he keeps it to himself and it eats away at him.
MARY BETH: Oh, that would never happen, sir. Harvey and I always...
SAMUELS: (shouting) It was just a hypothetical question, Lacey!!! All you've gotta do is saw the branches off!
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
SAMUELS: Anyway er, a few years after that, a friend of yours, say er, like Cagney, comes along and er, she drops a bomb on you that she wants to start seeing your ex.
MARY BETH: Seeing Harve?
MARY BETH: As in dating him?!
SAMUELS: Exactly. Your friend, this is your partner. So you don't think that's right?! (Mary Beth is perplexed) So, you couldn't make the marriage work out. OK!!! It happens!! It doesn't mean that you still don't care ...for that person. You never thought that somebody else would take your place. ...Especially not that somebody. Not with your wife!!! ...Anyway ...what are we gonna do?
MARY BETH: Do, sir?
SAMUELS: Yeah. What would you say to Cagney? ...Hypothetically. What would you say?
MARY BETH: Er, well, sir, even hypothetically,... It's a very hard question, Lieutenant. No chance for me and Harve to get back together?
MARY BETH: Then, ...if I can't even stop it, we end up with three very unhappy people, sir. ...Instead of only one.

[Precinct House front desk]

BASIL: (into phone) Fourteenth Precinct.
(Chris returns from her meeting)
CHRISTINE: (to the bag lady) Hi, Josie.
BASIL: Sergeant. It's a Detective Cairns from the Port Authority Police.
CHRISTINE: Thanks. (into phone) Yeah. Sergeant Cagney. (Mary Beth looks through from the Squad room and sees Chris) Oh, yeah. Where?! ...Ah ha. ...Great! ...Ah, we'll be right down. ...Thanks. (to Mary Beth who has come up looking shell-shocked) That was the Port Authority Police. They found the painting. It was out at Kennedy, on its way to Europe. (Mary Beth looks unexcited) The curtain closes on this case.
MARY BETH: Good, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: Time to wrap it up. This was real, honest, down-to-earth police work.
CHRISTINE: No more puffed up gallery owners. Goodbye and good riddance.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, ...what?
MARY BETH: Two, one. Listen.
CHRISTINE: As with what?
MARY BETH: (raising a finger to Chris) Let me tell you something. Harvey and I are ...never ...ever ...getting a divorce. ...Don't forget that.
(Mary Beth wanders off)

[Interview room]

J. F. BLACKWELL: The nerve!! Are you calling me a thief?
MARY BETH: That is pretty much how we cops operate, Mr. Blackwell, we find someone with stolen property, we consider he stole it.
J. F. BLACKWELL: I run a respectable business.
MARY BETH: Stealing a painting from the Children's Hospital?!
J. F. BLACKWELL: I paid top-dollar for that painting! And in good faith.
CHRISTINE: Of course. That's why you had it stuffed in the bottom of your Jacuzzi bag. So, where's the bill of sale?
J. F. BLACKWELL: I, I, I seem to have mislaid it.
MARY BETH: You see, now we're back where we started. You're our man (grabbing a handkerchief which he is wiping his lips with) and all the silk handkerchiefs in Paris won't turn you into nothing but a two-bit thief.
J. F. BLACKWELL: (leaping up) I demand an apology!!! My reputation...
CHRISTINE: Yeah, yeah, we know. Do you wanna sit down?
(there is a knock at the door)
MARY BETH: (to Blackwell) Put a lid on it.
CHRISTINE: (to the door) Yeah.
BERNICE: (opening the door) Mr. Greenlow insists...
PHILLIP GREENLOW: I saw the painting. It's a forgery. (to Blackwell) You!!! What did you do with my painting?!! (as the duo try to calm him down) I wanna know what he did with my painting!
(they shepherd him out)
J. F. BLACKWELL: Poor, poor man. I feel sorry for Mr. Greenlow.
MARY BETH: Cut the crap, buster. You're in this up to your elbows.
J. F. BLACKWELL: Oh, excuse me. Have I missed something. Has the law been changed? Is possession of a copy ...illegal.
MARY BETH: (to Chris) Would you pay top-dollar for a copy?
CHRISTINE: If I'm gonna try passing it off as an original.
MARY BETH: Yeah, sounds like fraud to me.
J. F. BLACKWELL: I trusted this little game. Now it's gone on too long. I'd like to catch the next plane.
CHRISTINE: Well, your copy doesn't quite seem to bother you. Why does a few hours matter?
J. F. BLACKWELL: Maybe not, but I'm a free man. Isn't it true, Detectives?!
(he laughs at them)

[Precinct House front desk]

(the duo comes in to the candy machine)
CHRISTINE: Four, one to the bad guys. Blackwell is tickled. Greenlow is sick.
MARY BETH: And, of course, the kid's hospital is still needing a burns unit. Not exactly one of our best days.
CHRISTINE: All right. What have we got for tomorrow? So what are you and Harvey doing tonight?
MARY BETH: Repainting Michael's bedroom. I suppose you and the singing plumber will be wrestling over a pastry.
CHRISTINE: Maybe. I might even give him a call.


(Chris and Nick are tucking in to a large meal)
NICK AMATUCCI: (speaking with his mouth full) I used to spend all day watching Vito by his wood fire preparing the best pies in town. Now the San Mauro have taken over.
CHRISTINE: Charlie used to take me there when it was frequented by the mob. Now they knew how to eat.
NICK AMATUCCI: Here. (spooning some food off his plate and putting it to her lips) Try this. ...Come on. Come on.
CHRISTINE: OK. (she eats the spoonful) Mmm. ...Mmmmm! That was great. ...Sorry about the shirt. It was...
NICK AMATUCCI: I over reacted. Old wounds.
CHRISTINE: No! You were right. I think there's probably a lot more of my mother in me than I care to admit.
NICK AMATUCCI: (still speaking with his mouth full) It's all right, Chris. (picking up a slice of pizza) Tell, me if this won't do old Vito proud. (holding it up for her) Come on!
CHRISTINE: (taking a bite) Mmm.
NICK AMATUCCI: (woofing a lump himself) Right!
CHRISTINE: That's great!! ...I've bought you something. (she gets a gift-wrapped box out of a bag and plonks it on the table) The shirt was returnable. ...Open it!!!
NICK AMATUCCI: (taking binoculars out of a case) Oh. Ah! ...A night at the opera. A little bird watching at sunrise.
CHRISTINE: Ah ha. Look in the case. (as he takes out two tickets) Ah ha!
NICK AMATUCCI: Rangers versus the Bruins! We'll kick their butts!!
CHRISTINE: Got it!!! You'll be able to see the blood on their shirts, up close and personal.
NICK AMATUCCI: So er, you still hungry?
CHRISTINE: Oh, I can eat this stuff all night.
NICK AMATUCCI: (calling across to a waiter) Hey, Ronaldo, do this again! Double cheese this time!
CHRISTINE: How about a little mustard marinade?
NICK AMATUCCI: My kind of girl. Sew wild oats!

[Lacey's lounge]

(Mary Beth and Harvey have photos laid out on the table before them)
HARVEY: (showing her a photo) This we took in the Christmas section.
MARY BETH: (taking the photo) Oh, Harve. Alice crying at the sight of Santa is not my idea of a lifetime memory.
HARVEY: (picking up another photo) What a smile, ...just like her mother.
MARY BETH: Honey, I was thinking about those classes I wanna take. (showing Harvey a photo) Look at that. Spaghetti sauce all over her face. Quite a bit of her daddy in her too.
HARVEY: I've been thinking about it too, babe. I'll pick her up at five-thirty.
MARY BETH: No, Harvey, you were right. (mocking herself) I should become erudite in one semester! (picking up another photo) Look at all these birthday presents, Harvey. Look at that. Didn't we spoil her, Harve? I'll go back in the Fall, one class at a time, like we planned.
HARVEY: Babe, it's not too late to get what you want.
MARY BETH: I have what I want, Harvey.
HARVEY: What happened to taking her to the Museum of Modern Art?
MARY BETH: We'll take a step like everybody else.
HARVEY: What about hob-knobbing with artists?
MARY BETH: Harvey, try to picture Christine under cover at a day care centre posing as a mother. She couldn't do it for three minutes.
HARVEY: You stack the Museum up against a day care centre?
MARY BETH: (showing him a photo of Alice with two pairs of adult sunglasses on) Are you telling me that this is not as precious as a Picasso?
(they have a peck)

[Ladies room]

MARY BETH: Guess who I saw at the courthouse the other day.
MARY BETH: David Keeler. He'd won a big case on gaol overcrowding.
CHRISTINE: Oh, thats good. We wouldn't want seasoned murderers having to share their TV sets.
MARY BETH: He was wearing than brown three-piece suit that matches his eyes.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, why don't you go out with him?
MARY BETH: Making conversation, that's all.
CHRISTINE: When I broke up with David, you said you that you supported me.
MARY BETH: I did. ...I do.
CHRISTINE: Right. But now you think I'm coming up like Lady Chatterley with a plumber!
MARY BETH: Did I say that?!!
CHRISTINE: Just because I don't wanna mess with dirty diapers does not mean that my relationships are meaningless to me!
MARY BETH: I want you to be happy, Christine.
CHRISTINE: No, you don't, you want to be married.
MARY BETH: I said 'happy'. I mean ...happy.
CHRISTINE: Nick makes me happy!
MARY BETH: (as they continue to look one another straight in the eye) Good.
VERNA DEE: (putting her head round the door) Are you gonna chalk-in or what? Samuels is looking for ya.

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: The big building just called. They got a telex from Interpol. You can close your file on that stolen painting.
MARY BETH: Recovered, sir?!
SAMUELS: Don't go popping your clogs, Detective. A reliable informant in Zurich, he says the original painting was sold. It's gone.
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
SAMUELS: You two are back on the board. Send in Esposito and Corassa. Tell 'em the first two words I hear out of their mouths gotta be 'Case closed'.
CHRISTINE: Yes, Lieutenant.
MARY BETH: (to Chris as she goes out of the door) I'll be there in a minute. (she closes the door) Sir.
SAMUELS: Yeah, what?
MARY BETH: How is everything?
SAMUELS: Well, we had a talk and er, it looks like they're gonna start seeing each other .
MARY BETH: Must have been tough. If there is anything that I could do...
SAMUELS: Hey, just go on out there and start breaking heads!
MARY BETH: Yes sir.

[Phillip Greenlow's studio]

PHILLIP GREENLOW: It's all the same. anyhow. Stolen or bought. All my paintings end up in a private museum or a very private townhouse. I never see them again.
MARY BETH: Now, that has to be very frustrating.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: Look, I paint for the rich.
MARY BETH: And that's enough for you?
PHILLIP GREENLOW: I get a good price. I got this loft. I got a nice house in Flushing. I got an apartment in Paris!
CHRISTINE: Not exactly a starving artist, huh?!
PHILLIP GREENLOW: No, but I do miss the girls with the long hair and the short skirts. The painting is gone. The hell, Detectives, almost all my work is. You've just gotta let go and forget it!
MARY BETH: I'm no artist, Phil, but, like you, I do a job I'm paid to do and er, usually that's enough. You got an extra rag around?
PHILLIP GREENLOW: Here! (he throws her a rag and refers to a brush that she has picked up) I always put that off.
MARY BETH: Oh, I've been getting a lot of practice lately. We've been painting our son's bedroom.
(Mary Beth is wiping off the brush)
CHRISTINE: (quietly) Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Enamel. Baseboards and window trim.
CHRISTINE: (looking at a painting) Isn't this exciting?!! Mary Beth!!!
MARY BETH: Very good. ...A table?
PHILLIP GREENLOW: No, it's a cow.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, I think we ought to get going.
MARY BETH: Christine, sometimes, in painting, things look like what they are, but other times it's er, more abstract. And so a cow looks like a table. Like that.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: Right. When I started out, it was a goat.
MARY BETH: Yeah? Sometimes in my job, the cases, they don't always turn out rosy, you know. But you have to let go, like you said.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: (she has handed the cleaned brush to him) That's not bad.
CHRISTINE: Your raising your head against a top woman!
MARY BETH: But every once in a while you get a case that sort of sticks, you know? You can't shake it loose. And so then I have to something extra ...to push it through, tie it up so that I feel like I'm really a cop.
CHRISTINE: Traffic, Mary Beth. I think we ought to get back to the Precinct.
MARY BETH: One minute, Sergeant. (to Phillip Greenlow) It's a job, like any other. Like yours even. (putting the rag in his top pocket) One Queens resident to another.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: So what do you want me to do?
MARY BETH: Paint another picture for the Children's Hospital.
CHRISTINE: He doesn't turn them out like Chevvies, Mary Beth! Ha, ha.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: Would that push it through, Detective?
MARY BETH: I think so, sir.
PHILLIP GREENLOW: What do want it to look like? A table or a cow?


CHRISTINE: Well, Greenlow feels like Mother Theresa. The kiddies get their burns unit. We're turning into Michael Landon and Victor French.
MARY BETH: That's good family entertainment, Christine.
CHRISTINE: What's next, Mary Beth? Telling Jimmy Stewart not to jump? Help Robert Montgomery win the big fight?
MARY BETH: Find ourselves another set of wheels.
(the Squad car is up on crates)

This episode was copy checked against an ITV3 repeat in the UK.

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