[Ida Kankel's kitchen]
IDA KANKEL: (opening cupboards and making a shopping list) Snow balls, salami, Squezy. Did you ever notice how all of those good words start with 'S'?
MARY BETH: He's back, isn't he, Mrs. Kankel? He goes over to Jersey and gets bored up to his eyebrows and all of a sudden...
CHRISTINE: ...evil green comes to his eyes.
IDA KANKEL: Be careful, Christine, my son has a reputation...
CHRISTINE: ...for destroying public property.
IDA KANKEL: For God's sake, crime is running helter skelter in our streets and you've gotta come here and dare to ask my son, all because he has a little, small weakness.
MARY BETH: Where is he, Mrs. Kankel?
IDA KANKEL: You want me to tell you?! The two of you with enough horsepower to kill half the antelopes in North America, and you've gotta come here hunting down my Bernie.
MARY BETH: All we wanna do is help him. Get him to somebody who understands his problem.
IDA KANKEL: If you wanna help him, ...why not? Maybe he'll learn new skills. Like biting the heads off a chicken.
CHRISTINE: Well, for that little act he won't need a pipe cutter!
IDA KANKEL: Christine, what do want from me? If he's in the closet, you want I should open it? You're looking very good, Mary Beth. That's a nice sweater.
MARY BETH: Yeah. If you hear from him, Mrs. Kankel, we wanna know.
IDA KANKEL: Huh! Hey, he's my son. You think he calls? He doesn't call. Your children, do they write, do they call? Please. (putting the list in her handbag) All right. I must be going. So long. Search the apartment. (Chris helps her as she puts her coat on) Thank you. When you finish, lock up. Christine, you know where the crackers are.
CHRISTINE: (as she opens a cupboard and takes out a box) So he cuts the heads off parking meters and stuffs his socks with nickels. There are here. Do have some. (Mary Beth declines) These are chicken flavour.
MARY BETH: Right now, in the video revolution, Christine,...
CHRISTINE: Perhaps a television dropped on his head.
(she puts the cracker box back in the cupboard)
MARY BETH: I had a dream about Paul Newman once.
CHRISTINE: (as they go out) Why is it, Mary Beth, you always change the subject?
[Detectives' Squad room]
(Esposito is in the office with Corassa arguing with Samuels)
CHRISTINE: What's going on?
BASIL: The Lieutenant's signed up Corassa and Esposito for a refresher course at the Academy.
MARY BETH: Oh, that's terrible.
CHRISTINE: Ha! What I wouldn't give to see their faces!
VERNA DEE: Well here they're not the only victims.
CHRISTINE: Ha, ha.
SAMUELS: (shouting from the office) Cagney. Lacey. In my office.
SAMUELS: That's right! The both of yous are included!
CHRISTINE: Nothing would give me greater pleasure, Lieutenant, than to be a serving of this department. (Corassa and Esposito are still there) But are you talking to Cagney, the CO, or a soldier on the front line, because there is a war going on out there, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Don't tell me we bombed Russia?
MARY BETH: It's the meter mauler, sir.
CHRISTINE: And an attack on parking meters is an attack on the authority and fibre of this entire City.
SAMUELS: Gee, Cagney, I know just how you feel about civil disobedience.
ESPOSITO: Let's blow up Thornton!
SAMUELS: The four of you have been signed, sealed...
CORASSA: He's right.
SAMUELS: ...and delivered for the next three mornings into the wonderful world of interrogation! Congratulations.
MARY BETH: Well, thank you, sir.
SAMUELS: Don't thank me, thank Thornton. Plus Inspector Knelman. It's his pet project.
ESPOSITO: Let's blow up Knelman!!
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant, they got rid of that stupid course years ago.
SAMUELS: Well, they're thinking of bringing it back, Cagney. All right! The four of you, do not screw up!! Because you know how Knelman feels about his pet projects!
CHRISTINE: So what are we, his guinea pigs?
SAMUELS: Think of it as a growth experience. Dismissed!
ESPOSITO: (to Samuels as the other three leave) If I have to play the Puerto Rican perp, I'm gonna write to the Union.
(he flicks his braces)
[Police Academy corridor]
CHRISTINE: Did Einstein go back to practice his multiplication? Did van Gogh go back to bone up on his brushwork?
MARY BETH: If you keep your mind open and your mouth shut, Chris, you'd be surprised what you could learn.
CHRISTINE: (as Mary Beth stops and looks around and takes a deep breath) I know, it's the smell. The smell triggers memories better than any of your standard five senses. Right?
MARY BETH: Well, I am happy to know that you occasionally listen to me.
MARY BETH: Do you remember barfing your guts up after PT?
CHRISTINE: I knew it was gonna come to this sooner or later.
MARY BETH: 'Lacey, get your hands out of your pockets. You've gotta be prepared to fire at all times!'.
CHRISTINE: I had the essential pinned to a wall.
MARY BETH: They made me carry the marching flag.
CHRISTINE: Excuse me?
MARY BETH: Steingrove! Do you remember Sergeant Steingrove?
MARY BETH: Did you get that same lecture we got?
CHRISTINE: Which one?
MARY BETH: Your suspect is found in a river. And you have to make the ID.
CHRISTINE: 'I feel terrible!'.
MARY BETH: And?
CHRISTINE: And 'If I am seized by a terminal disease...
MARY BETH: ...I will sit on a stick of dynamite and...
CHRISTINE/MARY BETH: ...ride it?!!!'. What I wouldn't have given to have held that match. ...Steingrove. Did you hear about the bomb?
MARY BETH: Did he tell you about the dynamite? It was under the BQE. I heard he cut off a truckload in sewer pipe.
CHRISTINE: (to a group of detectives waiting outside a classroom) Hey! Are you here to teach the boneheads how to use rubber hoses? (silence) What, are you sensitive about rubber?
(the duo goes into the classroom)
MARY BETH: Manny, Al. Save a good seat.
(Corassa indicates two tables just in front of where he and Esposito are sitting)
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, would you get hold of yourself.
(Mary Beth close the door right in to Detective Dupnik's face)
MARY BETH: Oh!
DUPNIK: (holding his head) Holy Mother, it cannot be!
MARY BETH: Oh, I am so sorry.
DUPNIK: Mrs. Lacey. Happy days.
MARY BETH: Are you all right? (trying to take his coat) Here, let me help you.
DUPNIK: No, no, please. Please, please, please, please! Don't, don't, don't touch.
NB Well, you remember Sergeant Cagney.
CHRISTINE: Dupnik! Guess I owe you one for Mary Beth.
DUPNIK: (still holding his head) Can you hold on until the stars clear.
CHRISTINE: Oh, none of us have that kind of time.
(Chris goes and sits down)
MARY BETH: Please, Detective Dupnik, if there is something wrong here. Apart from the door, I mean.
DUPNIK: Wrong?! What could possibly be wrong? I save your butt when it's in a sling and what do I get? ...A bouquet. A medley of happy flowers which gave me hay fever.
MARY BETH: (out loud) Of all the rotten nerves!
DUPNIK: Do I receive a magnificent dinner? A royal feast like a pinhead lawyer? You...
MARY BETH: Have you been spying on me?!
DUPNIK: Do you know what your problem is, sweetheart? You just don't know how to say 'Thank you'.
(he goes and sits down on Chris's right)
MARY BETH: (to Corassa as she squeezes past Dupnik and sits on Chris's left) Thank you.
STEINGROVE: Ladies and gentlemen, I am your instructor, Sergeant Clyde Ivan Steingrove. Clyde.
CHRISTINE: (looking at Mary Beth) He's good! You promised me he's good.
(on the blackboard he has written "Police Relationships. From Perps to Partners" and added CLYDE)
STEINGROVE: C, L, Y, D, E. (underlining the Y) Clyde! Like the river? ...In Scotland? ...Ivan. (writing it on the board) I, V, A, N. Like "the Terrible".
CHRISTINE: 'And if I am ceased by a terminal disease'
(Dupnik looks at her)
STEINGROVE: (pointing at the duo) You! Both of you.
MARY BETH: (standing up) Nice to see you again, sir. Why aren't you in uniform?
CHRISTINE: It's Detective, Sergeant.
MARY BETH: Detective Sergeant Cagney, sir.
STEINGROVE: Yes, sure I remember, Charlie Cagney's little girl.
MARY BETH: And Detective Second-grade Lacey, sir.
STEINGROVE: All right, Lucy, and the rest of experts, listen...
MARY BETH: Lacey, sir.
STEINGROVE: (indicating for Mary Beth to sit down) All right, listen up. To understand today's purpose you must understand the science ...of shaking hands ...and it begins with the (writing "YES" on the board and ringing it round) "Yes" ...the yes attitude. It starts with the friendliness. (coming down to a detective in the front row, who gets up, and shaking his hand) Hey, hey, Downie, nice to see you today. How are you? Sit, sit. You like sports then? Oh, ha, ha. You don't, kid. Do you like going fishing?
CHRISTINE: (under her breath) It's like chainsaws.
STEINGROVE: Oh, you did. A year ago? Well, that's smart. Now, if the suspect happens to be a fisherman, right. Relate to him some of your own personal experiences of fishing to encourage him to continue the dialogue! (Chris is watching Mary Beth take notes) But remember ...give them a little room. Remember the rules of interpersonal space. At least eighteen inches ...to four feet. Now, in some of the Asian cultures...
CHRISTINE: (under her breath) It's like something out of "The Twighlight Zone.
STEINGROVE: (bowing, Japanese style, and uttering a Japanese word) ...six feet.
(Chris, in her dressing gown, is standing on a stool at a kitchen cupboard from which she takes a plate)
CHRISTINE: Do roses and daisies go together?
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: (he adds them to plates he's already holding) I've had mass casualties.
(he puts the plates in a cardboard box)
CHRISTINE: All right. How about this? (it is a bat-shaped board with six wooden chickens and a string hanging down) It was Charlie's. (she pulls the string to make the chickens peck) It's a conversation piece.
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: Good! (taking the board and putting it in the box) Good. We're gonna need it.
CHRISTINE: Tony, would you calm down? It's your father, for Christ's sake if you're so nervous, take him to Mama Leonie's!
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: I'm tired of being yelled at in restaurants. It's always the same. He wants to retire and make me take over the family business.
CHRISTINE: Well, be assertive. Say 'No'. What's the big deal?
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: There isn't anyone else. I may be bent, but I'm the last Stantinopolis.
CHRISTINE: Oh, big, wobbly Tony! You were not put on this planet to sell olive oil.
CHRISTINE: You didn't exactly put up a fight when your father dragged you into the family business.
CHRISTINE: For your information, being a cop was my idea.
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: Charlie didn't put any pressure on you?
CHRISTINE: It wasn't like that at all. Besides what does that have to do with olive oil and place settings?
MARY BETH: Harvey!
HARVEY: (from the bathroom) What?
MARY BETH: Harvey, look at this? I can't even believe I still have this.
HARVEY: Have what, babe?
MARY BETH: This.
HARVEY: A hunk of wood! It's very nice. Sort of sentimental.
MARY BETH: This is from the Academy obstacle course. I caught it in my knee, going over the Monster Wall. (as Harvey settles on the bed beside her) Look at that. There is still blood on it, you can see. See that?
HARVEY: Yep. (as she leafs through a scrapbook) It's quite a collection you have there, Mary Beth. I can hardly wait to see what you're keeping on our marriage.
MARY BETH: Oh, my Lord, Harvey, look at us!
HARVEY: (laughing as he looks) Is that far out of line, huh?
MARY BETH: And there's Walter's old Buick. Is that a car or is it Batmobile?
HARVEY: Oh, my goodness. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Holy Father. Check out the pitching babe in uniform!
MARY BETH: I have one of the original epaulettes here.
HARVEY: Yep. I can still see you there exercising with your thirty-eight. 'The trigger pressure is roughly the equivalent to lifting a gallon milk jug by the finger' you told me. All I could think of was, I'm falling for Annie Oakley.
MARY BETH: We were a couple of kids.
HARVEY: I remember the first time you kissed me. I felt those brass buttons up against my chest.
MARY BETH: You tried to unbutton them.
HARVEY: I wanted a peek at the merchandise.
MARY BETH: Tried to peek as if it was an A and P day.
HARVEY: I was crazy about you.
MARY BETH: I know.
HARVEY: How about a peek?
MARY BETH: (putting her arm round him) Try the A and P.
HARVEY: I got a better idea.
MARY BETH: Ah ha.
HARVEY: Have you still got the uniform in the closet?
MARY BETH: Not a chance, Harvey. (putting her arms up over her head) Not even if you were to force me.
HARVEY: How about (beginning to unbutton her nightdress) just a half.
(they laugh and kiss)
STEINGROVE: Even though ...Detective Dupnik did fail to maintain eye contact ...and bodily awareness, he did manage to elicit a confession from Detective Rance. Good work, Dupnik!
(he leads a round of applause)
DUPNIK: Thank you, Sergeant. Just attempting to er, implement your technique, sir.
CHRISTINE: (under her breath. She has her arms folded across the front of her chest) Oh, baloney.
STEINGROVE: Remember your Signal Awareness and don't forget the five Ps, which are? (Mary Beth puts up her hand) Lucy.
MARY BETH: Lacey, sir. Prior planning prevents poor performance.
STEINGROVE: Remember you're all being graded...
CHRISTINE: (under her breath) I can't believe he said that.
STEINGROVE: ...for facial and body language. Which means if you're sitting there with your arms folded the front of your chest, you are not paying attention to the subject of interrogation. (Dupnik turns to look at Chris) You have your mind on the four-fifteen leaving for East Cupcake. All right, let's have the next team up. It'll be Lucy against Corassa followed by Cagney against Esposito. Now the crime is, the detectives caught you torching a luxury mansion. We will be watching.
(Corassa and Mary Beth sit in front of the class)
MARY BETH: Al. (moving forward towards him) Do you wanna tell me about it?
CORASSA: It wasn't me. I didn't do it!
MARY BETH: It's no good, Al. While your lips are saying 'No' your heart is crying ...'Yes'. Do you know what your mother would say?
CORASSA: My mother?
MARY BETH: Only a mother can know the pain of a son ...who follows the crooked road.
CORASSA: My mother ...always told me ...cheaters ...never ...prosper.
MARY BETH: If you confess I think ...that she would forgive you, Al.
CORASSA: She would?
MARY BETH: (nodding) I would.
(Esposito is now sitting in front of the class. Chris is pacing up and down. She goes behind him and rubs his shoulders)
CHRISTINE: We don't want you, Esposito. (he tries to get up and leave. She pushes him back in the chair and adjusts his jacket) Hey! Relax! Get yourself comfortable. Hm? Enjoy yourself! (he smiles at her. She perches in front of him) You see, it's your partner that we want. It was his idea, wasn't it? He lit the match and he forced you. Right?! (he continues to smile) Manny! (she gets up) Be smart, kid. Huh? Talk to me! You don't owe him anything. Do you hear what I'm saying, Manny? (he smiles again and clasps his hands in front of his chest) Relax. Relax. Enjoy yourself. Be comfortable. (he puts his feet up and his hands behind his head) Are we having fun yet? (there is laughter from the class) Do you like to fish ...and hunt? (getting close) I can't hear you, Manny. Can you hear me?
ESPOSITO: No ...hablo ...Ingles.
(he bursts out laughing. Corassa applauds. The bell goes)
(it is lunch break. Mary Beth is at the coffee urn. There are packed lunches on the table)
CHRISTINE: (coming back in) Thanks, Lucy. A C! You gave me a C for that!
MARY BETH: C minus.
CHRISTINE: Whose side are you on, anyway?!
MARY BETH: Christine, when some of us grade others of us, others of us have to learn how to respect their grades.
CHRISTINE: Says who?!
MARY BETH: You invaded his interpersonal space.
CHRISTINE: I was trying to see into his face!
MARY BETH: You threatened him.
CHRISTINE: I said it was a nice day!
MARY BETH: Nice day to light matches? (the bell goes) You threatened to do a tune on him.
(Mary Beth goes back. Chris follows)
CHRISTINE: I was trying to bond with his love for music! Mary Beth!
("Personal Space" is written on the blackboard)
SITEINGROVE: The use of fear and anxiety as motivating forces should avoided at all cost. (Chris is slumped in her chair) The interview room should be private, the furniture comfortable. There should be no glaring lights or signs of restraint. (Dupnik hands Mary Beth a note who reads it) Remember the rules of Interpersonal Space and Signal Awareness. When you've let the horse crawl out of the barn...
(Dupnik leans across Chris and moths something)
MARY BETH: (to Dupnik, leaning across Chris) Oh, go on!
CHRISTINE: Do you mind?
SITEINGROVE: ...out of a fourth floor window. (he comes up to Chris) Isn't that right, Sergeant Cagney? Well, Which is it, Sergeant? (Chris sits up) Come on, Cagney. I thought your roots was blue. The class eagerly awaits your answer.
CHRISTINE: I'll go with the flow.
SITEINGROVE: Is that er, 'Yes'?
CHRISTINE: A what?!
SITEINGROVE: It's not?
CHRISTINE: No! I mean yes.
SITEINGROVE: You'll be glad to know that you agreed that to fall out of a fourth storey window is the most effective deterrent against crime. (the class chuckles) The West wasn't won with a registered gun, ...was it, Sergeant Cagney? (the bell goes) All right, that's enough for today, everybody. (as the class leaves) Cagney! Can I see you a moment?
CHRISTINE: Sorry, I have to buy some cement (indicating Mary Beth) for a friend!
MARY BETH: I'd be happy to wait, Christine.
(Chris looks daggers at Mary Beth)
DUPNIK: (folding a map) Where did you say Hudson Street was?
MARY BETH: Hudson? (pointing at the map) Like the river.
DUPNIK: Yeah. How the hell do you get there from here?
MARY BETH: Do you know the New Coliseum?
MARY BETH: All right, you take the subway...
DUPNIK: I gotta car.
MARY BETH: You have a car?!
DUPNIK: I gotta a car.
MARY BETH: (going back to the map) So you take the er, to er,...
DUPNIK: Aw, forget it, forget it! I'll just keep circling for an hour.
MARY BETH: Hudson. Like Roy Scherer.
DUPNIK: I can just see it. I'll make my appointment at Intelligence and being so stupid, I'll just get my car towed away.
MARY BETH: Yeah, they love their role. Five minutes and they've got you on the hook.
DUPNIK: Yeah, my boss'll be crazy. He'll dock me a hundred. He'll doubt my parentage. Of course, you could go with me. Wait in the car. It'll only ...take a minute.
MARY BETH: I've promised my partner I'd hang around.
DUPNIK: A favour, Mrs. Lacey. Please. I've done a few for you, have I not? ...Please.
(she takes the map off him. He follows her out)
DUPNIK: Take your Persian Gulf. Or the JFK assassination. Do you remember the grassy knoll. There is a certain photograph of a certain hedge where a certain man is standing. Now his name might surprise you.
MARY BETH: Yeah. How about that hobo that was the spitting image of known CIA operative.
DUPNIK: Well, there you go. The question, Mrs. Lacey is, 'What do we do with our fears?'.
(Mary Beth alerts him as a truck hoots him. He swings the wheel over to avoid it)
MARY BETH: Oh boy! (looking ahead) Ha! (as Dupnik pulls up) Isn't this a traffic jam?
DUPNIK: They never go home, you know. They just keep circling and circling and get brain dead from all the exhausts. (Mary Beth giggles) Oh, I'm serious. Do you ever look over here from Queens? The one big, cloud of nauseous fumes.
MARY BETH: Ah, well, that's Manhattan! The City has certain ...cultural advantages.
DUPNIK: Yeah. if you wade past the muggers. How about that diverting little commute?
MARY BETH: Well, I'm used to it.
DUPNIK: What, do you have your own secret route?
MARY BETH: No, I go up the Utopia to the Harding Expressway, then the two-eighty-eight bus to Woodhaven. And then the G or the V train to Roosevelt Avenue and then the F train right into The Village.
DUPNIK: Mrs. Lacey, you're an amazing woman.
MARY BETH: Oh, huh, no! I'm an average everyday person. Two arms, two legs, two of ...everything.
DUPNIK: I watch you, Mrs. Lacey. The way you take chances ...and make it all work for you.
MARY BETH: That was a nice comment you made about me in class.
(a car hoots from behind. Dupnik moves off)
DUPNIK: Mrs. Lacey, may I be perfectly blunt.
MARY BETH: Call me Mary Beth.
DUPNIK: Mary Beth. ...Are we going the right way?
MARY BETH: Oh. Ha, ha. Perhaps this is Hudson. You watch (consulting the map) and I'll find it.
DUPNIK: Great, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Oh, oh, I guess I was.
CHRISTINE: So what did you and Dupnik talk about all this time?
MARY BETH: Well, you know, there are people we can talk about. This is her route, Christine. He's gotta be round here somewhere.
CHRISTINE: A few words, Mary Beth. Watch your back! There's something very strange about that Droopnik. I wouldn't be surprised if he stole your candlestick.
MARY BETH: So what did Sergeant Steingrove want you for?
CHRISTINE: Nothing. He probably took your mother's heirloom and had it melted down for designer paper clips!
MARY BETH: Did he talk to you bout your family and relations?
CHRISTINE: Did he let the little woman drive?
MARY BETH: What exactly did the teacher say, Christine.?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, would you quit sticking you nose into other people's business!
MARY BETH: As soon as you stop poking your face where it's not welcome!
MARY BETH: Nobody likes a teacher's pet, Mary Beth. Nobody likes a Miss. Know-it-all who sits there with her hand flailing, begging to be called on, with the blood draining from her fingers.
CHRISTINE: At least I don't sit in the back and throw spitballs. The dog does not eat my homework.
CHRISTINE: I'm surprised you can just sit there, that's all I say.
MARY BETH: I like to keep it all nice and clean.
(they stop and look around at the end of the alleyway)
CHRISTINE: Would you mind if we got back to the case, Detective?
(Mary Beth indicates across the street)
CHRISTINE: How many more parking meters have to be headless due to our neglect!
MARY BETH: (as they cross the street) Ah, there she is. Saved by the smell.
CHRISTINE: (to a woman bin operative emptying a trash can into a truck) Surprise, Cookie! We're looking for Bernie. He's still your boyfriend, isn't he.
COOKIE: Yeah, he's my boyfriend. So what?!! What, is it a crime to know him?
CHRISTINE: Where is he, Cookie?
COOKIE: Search me. I don't care. Bernie's always on me to give up my career.
CHRISTINE: You call this a career?!!!
COOKIE: Well, it ain't the Bolshoi, but I've not yet come across anything better.
MARY BETH: I'm sure it's a very interesting job, Cookie.
COOKIE: Oh, yeah! See all thee sights day after day. Breathe in the fresh air. It's like being a park ranger, only without bears.
CHRISTINE: Can we just get on with this?
MARY BETH: At my house we are always careful.
COOKIE: Oh, it's no problem. I certainly can't stand the stink either.
MARY BETH: Oh, no, no. I'm not simply talking about recycling, believe me. At our house we worry about you people getting cut by broken glass. We tie up all our trash in those plastic bags. (to Chris) And they cost, you know. But they keep the can a lot cleaner.
COOKIE: We appreciate people like you, Detective Lacey.
MARY BETH: It must be nice, working outside.
CHRISTINE: Can we be a little more direct here?
MARY BETH: Being an essential part of the City's service.
CHRISTINE: Information, Cookie. Now do we get it or do we haul you downtown, tie you in a chair and keep you there the rest of the day?
COOKIE: Hey, On City time?! I'd love it! Let's do it. Right now! I'll drive the truck over. Park in the yard.
CHRISTINE: I didn't say I was in a hurry.
COOKIE: No, no, I insist!
CHRISTINE: Get back to your trash truck before we haul you away in it.
(Chris walks away. Mary Beth follows)
MARY BETH: I think I would have had her, Chris.
CHRISTINE: Give it up, Mary Beth!!!
[Laceys' dining room]
HARVEY: Dupnik, huh? Now there's a small world.
MARY BETH: (replacing his beer with a milk) How about this, Harvey? (he swaps them back) You know, the unconscious arrangement of seating (moving Alice in her high chair next to Harvey) is important to interpersonal relationships.
HARVEY: I don't know, you're the expert. I'm surprised he couldn't find his way into Manhattan alone.
MARY BETH: (after a rather awkward laugh) We could always have Michael over here and Alice there and us sitting in the middle.
MICHAEL: (coming in) What's for dinner?
MARY BETH: Meatloaf, which is almost on its way. Why don't you try sitting here, Michael?
MICHAEL: But this is my place!
MARY BETH: Michael, in a loving, giving family no one has an actual place.
MICHAEL: Well, why don't you sit there?
HARVEY: Sit, Michael!!
CHRISTINE: Tony, the fact is, I'm not like you. All right. Nobody forced me. (she is putting forks into a turkey) I wanted to be a cop.
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: Why don't you let me do that?
CHRISTINE: I got it. I got it. We gotta move!! (he gets a serving plate) I mean, if Charlie had been a deep-sea diver, do you think I would have been one too?
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: If you'd just pay attention to what you're doing?
CHRISTINE: I know ...what I'm doing. Hold the rack.
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: You hold it. It's gonna be heavy, Christine.
CHRISTINE: It's my kitchen.
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: It's my turkey.
CHRISTINE: Hold the rack!!!
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: (touching the rack. It's hot) Ow!!!
CHRISTINE: Come on. (he picks up the oven cloths) OK?
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: Go!
CHRISTINE: There. (lifting the turkey onto the serving plate) Oh. Beautiful. (as he goes to pick up the serving plate) Wait! Wait! ...OK! I'll call you later.
(as he turns, the turkey slides onto the floor)
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: Oh, my God.
CHRISTINE: Don't panic. It's all right. I've had emergency training. (she puts on oven gloves) Here we go. All right. Careful. (she picks up the turkey) All right. Back up! Here we go. It's all right. Fine.
(she puts the turkey in the sink. He brings the plate across for her to put the turkey on)
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: Christine! What are you doing?!!!
CHRISTINE: What does it look like I'm doing, huh? I'm teaching it how to swim.
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: He's in there, sitting down to dinner, right now!! What am I gonna do?!!!
CHRISTINE: You're gonna shove a wing in his mouth and sit and talk to him like an adult. All right? (she drains the turkey, puts it on the serving plate and wipes it with a tea towel) He is not visiting royalty. He's your father who sells olive oil and you don't. Kapish?! (turning over and back) Sorry. OK! (she runs and opens the door) Take it away, Tony!!
(she collapses against the closed door)
HARVEY: I never would have believed it, babe. Michael, sitting there like Spencer Tracy discussing the stock market and cutting his sister's meat, and all because we moved his chair. Mary Beth, it almost brought tears to my eyes.
MARY BETH: (holding a sweater up in front of herself) Tell me. What do you think of this?
HARVEY: All of a sudden he's looking at his sister's face instead of at her ear! Imagine it, Mary Beth. Consider the possibilities!
MARY BETH: (holding another sweater up in front of herself) Harvey? What do you think of this?
HARVEY: No. See the trouble with this country, Mary Beth, is we don't open up. We maintain our position! (moving around with clenched fists) The Ruskies on one side of the table, us on the other. We need to reorder things!! We need to throw caution to the winds!!!
MARY BETH: (holding yet another sweater in front of herself) This is not a course we've had at the Academy, Harve.
HARVEY: How's this for revolutionary? (using his palms to face each other) Boy. ...Girl. ...Boy. ..Girl. At the Summit table!
MARY BETH: Harvey!!! Prior planning prevents poor performance! Are you helping me or what?!
HARVEY: Mary Beth, I am talking World peace here! (holding the original sweater in front of her) Wear the pink, fuzzy sweater!!
(Mary Beth is wearing the pink, fuzzy sweater)
DUPNIK: Er, Mrs. Lacey,... Mary Beth, huh! I consider myself a pretty good judge of people, but I er, sure was wrong about you.
MARY BETH: Huh?
DUPNIK: Oh, no, no, no. What I'm trying to say is that I think you're OK. ...You got class. And I'm real sorry we never got your candlestick back. I know how much it meant to you.
MARY BETH: Detective Dupnik, thank you.
MARY BETH: I wanna say ...'Thank you, Harry'.
DUPNIK: You know, yesterday is the first time I've seen you in a potential panic situation. You didn't try and grab the wheel.
MARY BETH: You had that truck spotted the whole time, Didn't you?
DUPNIK: Well er, yeah, regardless. ...Er, look, what I'm trying to say is that ...even though today is the last day of class, er, I got the feeling this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
(he punches her lightly on the upper arm and walks away. She stands there reflectively)
CHRISTINE: (coming up) Hey, Mary Beth!
MARY BETH: What?
CHRISTINE: What are you doing?
MARY BETH: Oh, it's you! Ha.
CHRISTINE: Who did you think it was? ...Why are you dressed like that?
MARY BETH: Dressed like what?
CHRISTINE: Like you are luring a battleship onto the rocks.
CHRISTINE: Was that Droopnik?! ...Is there something I should know, Mary Beth?
STEINGROVE: (coming up) Cagney! Big day, huh? Final exam. Are you sure you're ready for it?
MARY BETH: She wouldn't miss this for the world, sir.
STEINGROVE: That's good. Your assignment is to extract a confession from Detective Lucy.
MARY BETH: Lacey, sir. Do I have to understand English?
(the duo are sat facing each other in front of the class)
CHRISTINE: (handing her a stick) Gum, Mrs. Lacey.
MARY BETH: What happens if I confess?
CHRISTINE: What do you think happens?
MARY BETH: They skip the trial and ship me straight to Attica.
(the class and Steingrove laugh)
CHRISTINE: Er, Mrs. Lacey, do you like sport?
MARY BETH: No.
CHRISTINE: Football or basketball?
MARY BETH: Boring.
CHRISTINE: That's not... Because your yellow sheet (turning over an imaginary file) says that you ...are a professional gambler.
MARY BETH: Never play the lottery, Officer. If it's State run, then it's legal. (chewing the gum) If I plan to take a bit of the action, it's not.
CHRISTINE: Two busts in nineteen eighty-three for possession of gambling records. One bust in nineteen eighty-four for...
MARY BETH: The cops released me.
CHRISTINE: (putting the imaginary file away) Do yourself a favour, Mrs. Lacey, ...talk to me. Maybe I could cut a deal.
MARY BETH: Can you put it in writing?
CHRISTINE: Trust me.
MARY BETH: (talking like a gangster's moll) I've been sweet-talked by cops before, sister.
(Mary Beth has her legs crossed with her skirt up high. There is a ripple of laughter from the class)
CHRISTINE: You know there's no such thing as a written guarantee.
MARY BETH: Well then I (sitting on her hands) am sitting on my hands until you make an exception ...for me.
CHRISTINE: Oh yeah!! Well, take a deep breath, honey, huh? Enjoy your interpersonal space because where you're going they don't have any.
MARY BETH: Of course you're overcrowded. I'll be out in a month.
CHRISTINE: Tell your kids that! Maybe Human Resources can find 'em a nice home.
MARY BETH: What judge is gonna send up the mother of three?
(Mary Beth puts her hand on her chest and realises Dupnik is looking intently at her)
CHRISTINE: (under her breath) Mary Beth, would you stop talking like a trog.
MARY BETH: I want my lawyer. (the class, particularly Corassa and Esposito, laughs) Ow!!!
MARY BETH: (sitting down and holding her ankle) No, no problem. It doesn't hurt so much anymore. I shouldn't have screamed like that. I've had worse things before. A dog bit me. I got run over by a bus.
CHRISTINE: I'm sorry, Mary Beth, the chair must have slipped.
MARY BETH: My fault. I should have confessed immediately. And you should have listened to Steingrove.
CHRISTINE: Hm! That stubborn old... (she sits down beside Mary Beth) Everything I did was wrong and everything he did was right. I can't imagine what Knelman's gonna do.
MARY BETH: Well, you did make false promises.
CHRISTINE: I did not.
MARY BETH: And you did violate my rights.
CHRISTINE: (getting up) I did not!!
(Esposito and Corassa come in)
CORASSA: Hey, Lacey, sorry about your accident.
(they both laugh)
CHRISTINE: Esposito, it is night duty for you for the rest of your life. Any dirty job and you've got it.
ESPOSITO: No hablo Ingles.
(Esposito and Corassa go)
STEINGROVE: Coffee tonight?
CHRISTINE: Seven o'clock. (Steingrove goes. Mary Beth sits there, open-mouthed) Open your mouth and you lose the other leg.
SAMUELS: Don't bother to sit down.
MARY BETH: Good news or bad news, sir.
SAMUELS: I gotta call from Knelman...
CHRISTINE: Not good.
SAMUELS: ...who gotta call from Parking Control, who got a call from the Mayor's secretary who came out of her apartment this morning to find her meter decapitated.
CHRISTINE: It's a jungle out there, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: It's gonna be a jungle in here!
CHRISTINE: Well, maybe Knelman would like to help us find him himself.
SAMUELS: Because it's you case, Sergeant, you find him! (as they turn to leave) Oh, and Cagney, about the Academy. Knelman couldn't wait to call me and give me a full report.
CHRISTINE: He couldn't?
SAMUELS: And to tell you the truth, I must say ...I was surprised.
MARY BETH: It was an accident, sir.
SAMUELS: Oh, no accident, Lacey. I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. Knowing your partner, I'm sure she worked very hard for that A. And it's nice to see when you're trying, you're magic, Cagney.
[Detectives' Squad room]
(having just come out of the office)
MARY BETH: Nice work, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: I'll talk to him.
MARY BETH: When? Tonight? ...Over coffee. There's an old saying, Christine. Never mix business with pleasure.
ESPOSITO: Hey, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: What?
ESPOSITO: Special delivery for you. Must be a secret admirer, eh?
CHRISTINE: (going up to a vase of flowers on Mary Beth's desk) Oh, it's beautiful. (Mary Beth slaps Chris's hand as she reaches for the card) Well, read the card!! Well, read it!!! (Mary Beth looks at it and takes it to her chest) Well, what's it say?!
MARY BETH: 'To a world-class student. Coffee tonight. ...Detective Dupnik'. Conference, Christine.
CHRISTINE: He probably wants to talk to you about class!!
MARY BETH: He talked to me about class in class.
CHRISTINE: Well, maybe he wants to talk to you more about class!
MARY BETH: That's easy for you to say. Your teacher asked you out for coffee.
MARY BETH: So it's lot different when the teacher asks you out for coffee.
CHRISTINE: One who looks like that?! One whose eyebrows go to the top of his head when he says 'Coffee!!'.
MARY BETH: Christine! Your coffee doesn't mean that. Because if your coffee means that, that's what my coffee means. And my coffee does not mean that.
CHRISTINE: You're right, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: I mean there's coffee, and there's er, er, er coffee. (Chris smiles and nods knowingly) ...Oh Chris, this is not coffee.
CHRISTINE: Well, I don't know what your coffee means, but I sure know what my coffee means. I'll tell you that much.
MARY BETH: (tearing the card up) Well, I'm not going! I wouldn't be caught near a coffee shop with that man! I have my principles!
(she goes to leave, hesitates, goes and checks her hair in the mirror and adjusts her bra before making a hasty exit)
(Mary Beth comes in and joins Dupnik. He stands up, indicates for her to turn round and helps her off with her coat. They sit down)
DUPNIK: Would... Would you like a cup of coffee?
MARY BETH: I'm married.
DUPNIK: Cream and sugar?
MARY BETH: Very married.
DUPNIK: How about a piece of pie?
MARY BETH: Would you wanna see a picture of my family? I have three lovely children and ...the smartest sexiest, husband that I have ever met.
DUPNIK: They make a very nice sponge cake. Maybe a tuna fish sandwich.
MARY BETH: He's a very good provider. And we have... we have this wonderful ...relationship.
DUPNIK: Are you also married to your partner?
MARY BETH: Our house is on this wonderful... Pardon me.
DUPNIK: I've been watching you, Mrs Lacey, and you ...are a terrific cop! And you obviously don't get along with, with, with...
MARY BETH: Say what?!
DUPNIK: Well... How wo... How would you like to dump the blonde bigmouth and partner up with me at the One-One-Nine?
MARY BETH: Are you serious?
DUPNIK: Think of all the commute time you'll save.
MARY BETH: You mean you had ...the unmitigated nerve ...to lure me here...
DUPNIK: Lure you!
MARY BETH: ...against my will in the middle of the night...
DUPNIK: It's six o'clock in the evening!
MARY BETH: What kind of a woman do you think I am?
DUPNIK: What, are you nuts?
MARY BETH: (getting up) How dare you! (turning as she leaves) How dare you!!
(Chris is there with Steingrove who is out of uniform. They are on the coffee)
STEINGROVE: I will never forget you, Christine. Loud. Disruptive. Argumentative. (Chris laughs) You were one of my greatest students.
CHRISTINE: I always thought you hated me.
STEINGROVE: Oh! Because you had more talent than the others. I wanted to make sure you ...lived up to it. ...Christine. You were the student I could never get out of my mind. I thought about you ...a lot over the years. Did I mention to you ...that Cary Grant wore silk underwear.
(Harvey is in the fireplace sweeping the chimney)
MARY BETH: (coming in) Harvey! Honey.
HARVEY: Hi ya, babe.
MARY BETH: Oh, darling, I am so thrilled to see you again.
(she puts her shopping down and kneels down and they embrace)
MARY BETH: What?
HARVEY: I saw ya this morning, babe.
MARY BETH: Look, look, my sweetheart, I've got all your favourite things. Imported beer and , and gourmet takeout, a Cuban cigar.
(she grabs his face and kisses him)
HARVEY: I stopped smoking six years ago, Mary Beth.
(she takes her coat off)
MARY BETH: Then ...throw it away. Look at it! I don't care! (she gives him a smacking kiss) Harvey, Harvey, I've got a babysitter. We're going bowling tonight.
HARVEY: I went bowling last night.
MARY BETH: But you enjoy yourself. (another smacking kiss) Sweetheart! Harvey! (and another) Sometimes we should do this here, ...because you like it. (a peck) Here. (into the shopping bag) Get this. Taste! Taste! (stuffing gourmet takeout into his mouth and trying to eat it with him. He laughs) Sit here. Relax for a minute. I'll turn on the vibrating chair.
CHRISTINE: What it comes down to is that, he had a key to the Academy and wanted to ...interrogate me. (Mary Beth is open-mouthed) He had a list of names that he wanted me to call him. ...Not one of them was by the book!
MARY BETH: You should have called me.
CHRISTINE: I called a cab instead. ...And Steingrove called somebody else. ...Funny, Charlie never said I'd have a date like this. ...Oh well. ...So...
MARY BETH: So?
CHRISTINE: So spill your guts!!! How did your coffee turn out? ...And I want every filthy detail.
MARY BETH: Chris,...
CHRISTINE: Mm hm.
MARY BETH: ...the next time that I am ordered back to the Academy...
CHRISTINE: Ah ha.
MARY BETH: ...I am going to bed for a week.
MARY BETH: And so is Harvey.
VERNA DEE: (as Mary Beth opens the door, Verna Dee comes in) Huh! Lacey. Cagney. The Lieutenant wants to see you. The meter mauler's struck again.
MARY BETH: Thank you.
[Ida Kankel's kitchen]
MARY BETH: How many times have we been here, Mrs. Kankel? Two? Three? ...Three dozen.
IDA KANKEL: (washing a pan up in the sink) Who's counting? Christine, give me some paper towel there, please.
MARY BETH: Your son is running the streets, cutting the heads off parking meters. Now are you happy with that? Do you consider it normal behaviour?
IDA KANKEL: Are you happy with the things that your kids do all the time?
MARY BETH: At least they're not illegal. Now I am warning you, Mrs. Kankel, (a door behind Mary Beth closes quietly. Chris must have noticed) if we have to find him ourselves, he won't go down easy.
IDA KANKEL: Like I told you the last time, and the time before that, mother's do not rat on their sons.
CHRISTINE: (looking at the pan) It's unbelievable!! (to Mary Beth) Look at that shine!!! What, you took out a special cleanser?
IDA KANKEL: What?!
(Mary Beth wonders what is going on)
CHRISTINE: No, I mean it. What happened to all of those unsightly spots.
IDA KANKEL: Oh boy, you really haven't been around. You try Mr. Spotty and a little elbow grease and you can make it shine like a mirror.
(Mary Beth starts to glance around)
CHRISTINE: How about the grease? Now I've always wondered. Do you keep it or throw it down the sink?
IDA KANKEL: Honey, you can't think that I do it just for the price. (Mary Beth begins to realise) Oh, you're talking a hundred to a hundred and fifty for a union plumber.
(Mary Beth begins to edge away)
CHRISTINE: You're kidding!!
IDA KANKEL: No, I don't care what they say! Banana peels, chicken bones. (Mary Beth approaches the door) You anything more than a little crumb down there and you're gonna be bailing for weeks.
CHRISTINE: I can't imagine what it will do to the commode.
IDA KANKEL: Excuse me?
CHRISTINE: (putting her finger to her lips and talking quietly) Toilet.
IDA KANKEL: Oh! Ha, ha, ha. (Mary Beth draws her gun) I hear you. My late husband, may he rest in peace, ...he used to flush it for Rosh Hashanah
Specials. (Mary Beth puts her hand on the door) You're talking fluids.
CHRISTINE: You can't be afraid to try new methods.
(Mary Beth whips open the door) Police, Bernie!!! Hold it right there!
(Bernie is half out the window with a bag in his hand. The bag splits and coins spill on the floor)
[Detectives' Squad room]
CHRISTINE: Coffee, Mary Beth? (Mary Beth is on the phone and giggles) Maybe tea would be better.
(Chris throws the coffee she has poured into the bin)
MARY BETH: (into phone) No. ...We'll get Muriel to look after Alice. ...Take in an early show and have some dinner. What do say, sweetheart.
(Basil has come up with another uniformed office who is holding a box tied with a ribbon)
BASIL: Detective Lacey.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Hang on, Harvey.
BASIL: A special delivery from the One-One-Nine.
MARY BETH: (into phone as the officer puts the box on her desk) Harve? ...Listen, Harvey. Something has come up. Um, I'll call you back, honey. OK? ...Oh, I love you too. (putting the phone down) I don't care what this is! I don't want it. Take it back!
CHRISTINE: Unless wait until you see it!
MARY BETH: Never!!
CHRISTINE: (getting up) Come on, Mary Beth. (she takes the box) Let's look at it.
MARY BETH: Christine!!
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth as she unties the ribbon) Allow me. Thank you, Officer.
MARY BETH: Fine! Go ahead. Open it. I couldn't care less. I do not aid and abet the enemy.
(Chris looks at the contents, smiles and walks away. Mary Beth quickly looks at it. Chris smiles again. Mary Beth holds up a candlestick)
CHRISTINE: Welcome home.
MARY BETH: (reading the card with it) 'To the hippy nun cop. Long may she reign'.