Shadow of a Doubt
Original Airdate: February 26, 1988

[Computer factory production line]

(the duo is on the line dressed as production staff)
MARY BETH: (holding a couple of tickets) If I want to reach the sky, I'll hang on to the meal tickets.
FRAN: What's he gonna do? Go back to nursery school?
MARY BETH: Yes.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, from Buckingham Palace to Dotty's Day Care. (to Mary Beth) Do you wanna slow down, Dotty? It's not like we're being paid by the unit.
PATTY: (shouting across) Hey, if Chuck's looking for a new train set, just send him a picture from a tin lid!
FRAN: He doesn't have much tin but I take the clothing allowance.
CHRISTINE: Well, if things don't look up this year, I'm in trouble. Could do with a new way to pick up a little extra money.
PATTY: (to Chris) So do I, Rachel. You work your socks off, but after Uncle Sam takes his bit, you're lucky if you can afford a night out.
MARY BETH: (now with a bunch of tickets) I'm lucky if I can afford a night in.
PATTY: Hey, if money's the question, a rich man's the answer. And unless a guy drops a hundred dollars on a date, well, no money, no honey.
CHRISTINE: And you consider that a gift?
PATTY: Gift?!
MARY BETH: Well, what about this man with all the gold chains who's always taking bread from you? Has he got a girlfriend or what?
FRAN: Weak kidneys. Change of face.
MARY BETH: Rachel's got the hots for this poker player in Shipping.
FRAN: Oh, I heard he's drowning in IOUs.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, so how can he afford the manicure?
PATTY: The wife. Works nights.
(Mary Beth gets out two meal tickets)
CHRISTINE: Figures.
MARY BETH: Sure a woman's work is never done.
(a bell rings. They all stop work)

[Computer factory canteen]

FRAN: Do you know who I'd like to be?
MARY BETH: Who?
FRAN: Fawn Hall. She could have any man she wants. Why? She's smart. She's pretty. She follows orders. They love that!
CHRISTINE: Hey, hey, Fran, you've got something on your chin.
FRAN: (after Chris has wiped her chin) Thanks.
CHRISTINE: Better. (looking around) Who's Robert Redford over there?
MARY BETH: Doesn't he drive that snazzy sports car?
FRAN: Yeah. Richard Gault I think.
MARY BETH: You know him?!
FRAN: Not as well as I'd like to.
CHRISTINE: I'll take his number.
MARY BETH: (as Patty returns with a mug of coffee for Mary Beth) Hey, thanks, I could have got that.
PATTY: Yeah? Save your meal tickets.
(the ball goes again. They all get up)
FACTORY MANAGER: All right everybody, let me have your attention, please. Hey, Patty, that means you too. I've got an announcement, boys and girls. The company would like you all to make a little donation. Unfortunately this one is not tax deductible. Ha, ha, ha, ha. (looking at a document) All right, for your protection, and the company's, we're requiring a foreign substance evaluation from all employees.
PATTY: A what?!!
FACTORY MANAGER: A drug test, ladies and gentlemen. (general mumbling) So let's have a little less mouth and a little more movement, shall we? Hm?
(the staff go out)
MARY BETH: (to Chris) So where do we go and what do we have to do? Eh?

[Production company Ladies room]

(Chris comes out of a WC with a urine sample and takes it to the company nurse)
PATTY: You know, they pay us squat for wages. No they want us to squat for them.
MARY BETH: I read this was one of the better shops.
(Patty walks away in disgust)
CHRISTINE: (pointing to a list the nurse is making) No, no, it's Zilwaukee.
COMPANY NURSE: Oh. Right, right. Zilwaukee?
CHRISTINE: Rachel.
COMPANY NURSE: Rachel.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) Well, I've got say, 'Not a bad day at the office'.
COMPANY NURSE: Patty Rodriguez!
PATTY: (going and looking round the corner) Where the hell is Fran? (Fran comes back) It's about time. Can they get away with this?
FRAN: They showed it to me. It's in the contract.
PATTY: You're the shop steward. Do something!
FRAN: It's there in black and white. You wanna keep your job. You take the test!
CHRISTINE: (to the nurse as the duo goes out) Nice pee anyway.

[Computer factory production line]

MARY BETH: (to Chris) How are we supposed to keep an eye on the microchips when they drag us down to the john?
CHRISTINE: (as Kurts, an employee in a suit, comes in) Who's this?
PATTY: (coming up) Don't you love being a number?!
MARY BETH: Huh?
PATTY: Like cattle ...being herded into stalls!
CHRISTINE: Forget it. It's over.
PATTY: It's not fair! You say 'No', you're guilty!
CHRISTINE: Yeah, well, heads they win, tails we lose.
(Gault comes in with a couple of boxes on a sack barrow and stops by Kurts)
PATTY: How do you think the test works?
MARY BETH: (as the duo watch Gault and Kurts) Do I care?
PATTY: Well!!! Nice talking to ya.
(Gault takes an envelope out of his inside pocket and hands it to Kurts who hands him a packet. The duo moves in)
CHRISTINE: (going up to Gault) Police!
MARY BETH: (putting Kurts against the wall) Arms up! Put your hands where I can see them!
KURTS: (as Mary Beth pats him down) Wait a minute! it's a mistake!
GAULT: (to Kurts as Chris pats him down) Be quiet! I didn't know we'd got the police in here!
CHRISTINE: Be quiet, man!
(Patty watches)
MARY BETH: (bringing the man up) OK, Sergeant?
CHRISTINE: Yeah.
MARY BETH: (slamming Kurts against the wall next to Gault) You're under arrest.
CHRISTINE: (showing what she has found on Gault) Twelve microchips. Two hundred dollars a piece.
MARY BETH: (handing the opened envelope to Chris) They're not using good old money.
CHRISTINE: (inspecting the document from the envelope) Pre-arranged credit.
MARY BETH: (to the man as she takes him away) You have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything, you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
CHRISTINE: (to Gault) Move it!

{Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (coming in with Mary Beth) Once again, Rachel and Dot, intrepid crime fighters, have struck! Making Manhattan entirely free from pilfering and drug abuse.
MARY BETH: The operators are standing by to accept your congratulations and cash contributions!
CHRISTINE: We also accept clapping. (after no reaction) Hey! Somebody drop a bomb in here?!
COLEMAN: (who has been talking to Esposito) Nice collar.
ESPOSITO: So, my kid brother used to do this thing where he rolled his eyeballs into the back of his head. It used to freak me out!
COLEMAN: I used to do the same thing when I was a kid. I used to catch the teacher off-guard all the time.
CHRISTINE: Once again jealousy raises its ugly head.
MARY BETH: I think I'll start on the paperwork.
(Isbecki is sitting there, very glum)
CHRISTINE: What is it, Victor? The anniversary of Trigger's death?
CORASSA: (coming up) Maybe he's in shock.
COLEMAN: No, he's just moping. He's been like that since he came back from lunch.
(Chris waves her hand up and down in front of Isbecki's face)
ISBECKI: Look, leave me alone.
CHRISTINE: Phew!
VERNA DEE: (coming up to Chris as she walks away) He's got something on his mind.
CHRISTINE: That accounts for the shock! Ha, ha, ha. Ah, Mary Beth, I'm glad this monkey work is over.
MARY BETH: There's nothing wrong with honest work.
CHRISTINE: It would bore a robot!
MARY BETH: My mother used to get a cramp the size of her fist right between her shoulder blades. She was a worker. She was not a robot or a monkey.
(Ginger comes in. Isbecki gets up. She stands in the door, nods and mouths 'I will'. Isbecki rushes to her, yelling in glee. He picks her up in his arms)
GINGER: Oh, put me down!!
ISBECKI: (having pecked her a couple of times) All right, everybody, listen up! Huh? Listen up!! (he puts her down) Come on, everyone, Listen up! Me and Ginger. We're getting hitched.
(everybody, except Chris, applauds and whoops)
MARY BETH: Oh, what do ya know! When, Victor? What date? When?
ISBECKI: Er, right away!
GINGER: We haven't decided yet.
CHRISTINE: Heavens. They're first spat.
ISBECKI: No, no. I want to get married as soon as possible. Right away. OK?
GINGER: OK.
(more applause, whooping and cheering. Chris just sits there)

[Ladies room]

(they are standing in front of the mirrors tidying their hair after the factory)
MARY BETH: Harvey and I almost didn't get married because of his bachelor party. (Chris turns and looks at her) You don't wanna know.
CHRISTINE: There's nothing more sophomore than a group of guys concentrating their hormones.
MARY BETH: I like so much what she does with her hair.
CHRISTINE: Mm. Especially the colour.
MARY BETH: A firm handshake. I like that.
CHRISTINE: Firm?
MARY BETH: Very.
VERNA DEE: (coming in) Mary Beth, this is amazing. She's got enough brains for two people.
MARY BETH: She's gonna need it.
VERNA DEE: Can you imagine a cowboy like Victor hitching himself to a PhD?
CHRISTINE: Ha! Well he better get his driving licence!
(Verna Dee cackles)
MARY BETH: It's so romantic. They're so different. It's like Heathcliffe and Cathy on the moors.
(Ginger comes in)
MARY BETH: Oh!
GINGER: Thanks ...for staying to have a toast with us. I just ...personally wanted to invite each of you to the wedding.
MARY BETH: Our pleasure.
VERNA DEE: Thanks.
CHRISTINE: Thank you.
GINGER: I've heard so much about all of you. ...You've known Victor a long time. ...But I know him in ways you don't. (they all look at each other knowingly) He makes me so happy. And my kids love him! (silence. Ginger claps her hands once) Well!
(she leaves. They look at one another again)

[Precinct House yard]

(Isbecki and Ginger come out)
ISBECKI: Listen, I'll meet you for dinnertime.
GINGER: Of course. This is how we're gonna live.
ISBECKI: I'll bring your kids some ice cream.
GINGER: Oh, you do that every time you see them. I think we should have a home-cooked meal ...in honour of the occasion.
ISBECKI: Ginger, for the honeymoon, we could go to the Alamo.
GINGER: With three days left to do it, don't you think we should concentrate on the wedding arrangements first?
ISBECKI: I know a judge.
GINGER: I now a rabbi.
ISBECKI: I love you.
(they go to kiss, hear a car start, and then kiss anyway)

{Detectives' Squad room]

(Chris finishes typing a document, gets her handbag out, switches off her desk light and gets up)
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth! Forget the overtime. Adios! I'm grabbing my hat! Au revoir, sayonara and ...goodbye! I'm gonna treat myself to something reckless!
MARY BETH: Are you going to a meeting?
CHRISTINE: Nope! Going shopping. I intend to order a dress for the wedding. You may think I'm kidding when I say that. I think David did when I said I was cancelling dinner to pick out a dress.
MARY BETH: Men don't actually understand shopping.
CHRISTINE: I think it's genetic. See ya.
MARY BETH: Night. happy hunting.

[Ladies dress department]

CHRISTINE: (holding a dress) What do you think?
DAVID KEELER: You threw your constitutional rights out of the window! Do you remember he Fifth Amendment? The legal search procedure?
CHRISTINE: David, it is part of the job. Some days it's out on the streets, some days it can be in bottles. We nailed the perps, so why do you wanna make a Federal case out of it?! (throwing her coat half off and holding the dress against herself) Now, how does this look?
DAVID KEELER: You know how I feel about your shoulders.
CHRISTINE: I know how you feel about the skin.
DAVID KEELER: (grabbing a dress off a rail) This is a perfect one for the wedding!
CHRISTINE: If I was the mother of the bride.
DAVID KEELER: Do you know what burns me about testing? It's hypocrisy. Breaking one law to enforce another!
CHRISTINE: David, I've had a hard day. I won't last forever.
DAVID KEELER: Can't you at least... Do you wanna fight drugs? Take away the glamour. ...Education, Chris.
CHRISTINE: All I'm saying is, if I take off in the aeroplane, I wanna know if I'm gonna land right side up. All right?
DAVID KEELER: Yeah? And who decides?
CHRISTINE: I'm not just talking about aeroplane pilots. I'm talking about train engineers, bus drivers.
DAVID KEELER: People who carry guns? Where do you draw the line, Chris?! It's a violation of any worker's rights. An invasion of privacy.
CHRISTINE: David, (throwing her coat back again, taking a black dress, putting the halter over her head and pulling the dress under her bust) this is an invasion of privacy.
(he laughs. She laughs)

[Detectives' Squad room]

ESPOSITO: (to Isbecki) So he tells me he doesn't know whether he could put it together in that short amount of time. He's gotta rent you the hall. He's gotta call your pals. He's gotta get a baby-sitter for Lauren, (the duo are overhearing all this) so I said, 'Hey, Marcus, you just be the best man and let old Manny take care of the bachelor party. (they do high fives) So I'm saying, 'What is gonna to make the night? It's gotta be something ...something...'.
ISBECKI: Mammoth!
CORASSA: No! Bigger than mammoth!
CHRISTINE: Ginger building your vocabulary, Victor?
ISBECKI: You're just jealous, Cagney, because you can't come to the bachelor party.
ESPOSITO: Ha, ha, ha.
CHRISTINE: It's the last place I'd want to be is at your homage to homo erectus.
ISBECKI: Homo? (making for Chris) Wait a min...
ESPOSITO: (holding him back) All right. All right. So, I'm sitting near the end of the runway over at La Guardia and I'm trying to clear my head. And all of a sudden... Ba boom!! (Coleman and Corassa come up) It hits me like a wet two-by-four.
COLEMAN: Moses only had a burning bush.
ESPOSITO: So, Waldo! Waldo Biddleheim.
CORASSA: Dougy Waldo from Vice?
ESPOSITO: The very one! (Chris gets up to get a coffee) So I pictured five of the most talented girls from the Tri-State area and collar them. Shameless!!!
(they all laugh)
MARY BETH: Christine, I am grateful that we weren't invited.
CHRISTINE: I just wanted the chance to turn him down.
ESPOSITO: (in the background) ...Waldo stripper...
CHRISTINE: (shouting out. Mary Beth is sitting right beside) Hey, Mary Beth!
MARY BETH: What?
CHRISTINE: Do you remember that bachelor party that we went to last summer?!
MARY BETH: Huh?
CHRISTINE: Huh?! Remember, the one with Molly and His Swinging Dollies.
(the others are listening)
MARY BETH: (out loud) Sure. Molly and His Swinging Dollies.
CHRISTINE: What was the name of that other act?
MARY BETH: Er. Um.
CHRISTINE: Varouska....
MARY BETH: Yes.
CHRISTINE: ...and Her Vanity Veils.
MARY BETH: The walking aphrodisiac.
CHRISTINE: All these years on the Force, I never saw anything like that.
MARY BETH: So many creative uses for fruit.
CHRISTINE: And remember what it took to get the Longhorn Sisters out of the bedroom?
MARY BETH: (a dirty laugh) Who could forget? The Longhorn Sisters!
CHRISTINE: Certainly not I.
ISBECKI: (coming towards the duo) The ...Longhorn Sisters?
CHRISTINE: Oof! Talk about a stampede, Victor.
ESPOSITO: Sergeant, is this er, ...private information or what?
CHRISTINE: (sounding embarrassed) Oh, gee, I don't think I should say anything.
CORASSA: Oh, come on, Cagney, we'd do the same for you!
ISBECKI: Yeah, come on, Chris. It's a special thing, ...for me.
CHRISTINE: What do you think, Mary Beth?
MARY BETH: Sergeant, I think you should follow your heart.
CHRISTINE: Right. ...Sorry guys, no can't do.
ISBECKI: Come on, Chris.
ESPOSITO: Some friend!
CHRISTINE: (her phone goes) Excuse me. (into phone) Cagney, Fourteenth. ...Yes, Lieutenant. ...Yes, Lieutenant. (she looks across at the office and rings off) Thornton. Great communication skills. He wants us A, S, A, P.
MARY BETH: Hey, he's at least he knows his alphabet.
(the duo goes to the office)
CORASSA: I'm gonna handle this problem myself.
ESPOSITO: You got that right!
ISBECKI: So call Vice and contact your friend, Waldo, and see if he can get us the Longhorn Sisters.
ESPOSITO: Hey! We don't need Cagney. We got me.
COLEMAN: (pointing to Esposito) Oh, yeah. He was the social director on the Titanic!
(Coleman goes)
ESPOSITO: (to Isbecki) Listen, I promised you a night that would have you grinning for a decade!
CORASSA: Maybe Cagney will reconsider. No offence, Manny, but can you get Varouska and Her Vanity Veils?
ESPOSITO: Hey, last time I threw a bachelor party, the groom was three days late for the wedding.
(they all laugh. Isbecki does high fives with Esposito)
ISBECKI: All right! ...Hey, wait a minute.

[Samuels' office]

THORNTON: ...and the Department can't just disregard false charges. It's a serious offence.
MARY BETH: Well, he's grasping at straws, sir.
THORNTON: You didn't negotiate with him? No arrest in exchange for narcotics?
MARY BETH: Sir, with due respect, that's the most pathetic line of garbage I've heard in all my...
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant, let me explain to you how it is out there. Now when we nail a perp, they'll say anything. 'I didn't do it'. 'They roughed me up'. Whatever it takes.
THORNTON: The scenario is, you two arrested him because he stopped cutting you in.
CHRISTINE: Well, he said that on the slim hope that there might be somebody, forgive me, who might be naive enough to believe him.
THORNTON: Is that so? Your drug test from the factory came up positive, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: (snatching the file that Thornton is holding up) That's crazy!
THORNTON: His attorney has obtained the results and he is going to have this case thrown out.
CHRISTINE: This is a pile of crap!!! It says here I have four positives!
MARY BETH: Lieutenant, Sergeant Cagney has been my partner for eight years. I'll guarantee you there's no cleaner cop on the Force.
THORNTON: Your under fire too, Detective Lacey.
MARY BETH: Sir?
THORNTON: The false charges are against both of you. So, Detectives, Health Services want you both downtown to retest. (Chris raises a finger and starts to walk out. Shouting) And when you're finished ...the DA wants to see you.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (to Chris who is putting her coat on) I'm not going through that again.
CHRISTINE: What makes you think we have a choice?
MARY BETH: That's humiliating, Christine! You shouldn't have to do it either!
CHRISTINE: You've got a point.
MARY BETH: I consider that a compliment.
CHRISTINE: Suit yourself! I'm hitting the water fountain and then heading for Health Services.

[Health Services]

POLICE DOCTOR: There are two tests so we require two samples. The screening test gives a reading within twenty-four hours. To confirm those results we perform our second test. It takes longer but has an accuracy rate of one hundred percent. (Mary Beth is also there) If he tests are compromised in any way, you'll have to do it again. (to Mary Beth) You first.
MARY BETH: (taking a specimen cup) Thank you.
POLICE DOCTOR: (as Mary Beth goes into a WC) Keep it open. I have to be able to see your hands. (to Chris) You too.
CHRISTINE: (going into the next WC and holding up her hands) I know. Up against the wall.
POLICE DOCTOR: You got a job. I got a job. (handing Chris a cup) All right?
CHRISTINE: Do you wanna hold the cup for me?

[Corridor at Health Services]

CHRISTINE: It's a mistake. What is the big deal? Do you know what my new philosophy is? Don't get mad, get even. I'm gonna get that bastard for putting me through this.
MARY BETH: The lift's down there.
CHRISTINE: Thornton wants to play it be the book. Fine, we'll play it by the book. And afterwards, I'm gonna take the book and stuff it in his ...library! The whole thing is ridiculous! Lot's of things could cause false positives. Decongestants. Cough syrups. Herb teas. (Mary Beth smiles at Chris) I've never been unclean.
MARY BETH: I never thought otherwise, Chris.
(the lift arrives)

[Laceys' bedroom]

(Harvey is pinning up the hem of the underskirt of a new dress Mary Beth is trying on)
HARVEY: The Department strikes again, Mary Beth. You give them everything...
MARY BETH: It looks wrong to me, Harvey. I don't want it leaking out underneath the crinoline.
HARVEY: You give them everything, they give you nothing. Turn, baby. After nineteen years they won't back ya. Seems like a pretty one-sided arrangement.
MARY BETH: Harve, do I want this a little snip shorter?
HARVEY: All they care about is perpetuating the system. And the system says guilty till innocent! (he sticks a pin in himself) Ah!!!
MARY BETH: I wouldn't upset yourself. Just calm down. (picking up the underskirt) I got it from here. Thank you.
HARVEY: You've had enough trouble, babe That is not your fault.
MARY BETH: (as he zips her up) Thank you.
HARVEY: If you're with somebody that's looking for a fight, you're gonna find the fight!
MARY BETH: Chris wasn't looking for this here, Harve. She's clean. You know that.
HARVEY: How come she stopped drinking? Maybe she found something else.
MARY BETH: Christine is clean. I don't care what any test says.
HARVEY: Mary Beth, she brought a doper into our home. Do you remember Dory McKenna?!
MARY BETH: She deserves better than that from you, Harvey! She's always backed me when it counted. She was in your corner, remember, when I didn't want you going on the wire.
HARVEY: That does not mean the test is wrong.
MARY BETH: If I had tested positive, would I be guilty too?

[Chris's loft]

DAVID KEELER: Next thing they'll be testing people to get a library card!
CHRISTINE: Shall we move the courtroom to a cab, huh? The movie starts in twenty minutes.
DAVID KEELER: If your body's not off-limits, neither are your thoughts.
CHRISTINE: David, I read "Nineteen Eighty-Four". Right. This isn't it.
DAVID KEELER: Chris, I can help you fight this!
CHRISTINE: David! David, stop it! I'm upset! Yes, I was humiliated! Yes, my privacy was invaded! And, yes, I feel like I've been hung out to dry! But I am not your test case. If you wanna be on my side, ask me how my day went! If I say 'Rotten', then put your arm around me. Make me feel batter. But don't pester me!
(he comes and cuddles her)
DAVID KEELER: So, ...anyway, ...do you wanna go to the movies?
CHRISTINE: Yeah!
DAVID KEELER: Oh.
(he laughs and cuddles her again)

[Detectives' Squad room]

ISBECKI: (holding up a specimen cup. Corassa has an armful of coffee cups) This is gonna be great!
(they are gathered round the coffee table which has a pile of specimen cups on it)
CORASSA: Were did you steal those things from?
ESPOSITO: I didn't steal 'em. My cousin, Celia, works in a specimen lab. She stole 'em.
COLEMAN: Did you happen to ask your cousin if they were new or used?
ISBECKI: That's disgusting, even for you.
COLEMAN: What do call this? High-class?
ISBECKI: Hey, pour them some coffee, will ya?
ESPOSITO: They're used to filling these up themselves.
(Esposito and Isbecki laugh)
COLEMAN: (to Corassa) That's disgusting.
BASIL: Look out! Here they come!
(they all disperse)
MARY BETH: Oh, terrific. (looking at a computer printout) And the search downtown turned up nothing under Gault.
CHRISTINE: That's a minor setback. Forget the name, we'll run it again on his description.
(as the duo gets to the coffee table the others all watch. Mary Beth spots the sample cups, points at them and bursts out in mock laughter. The others and Chris all laugh)
CHRISTINE: (picking up two cups with coffee in them) Oh, guys, very funny. (giving one to Mary Beth) Have fun. Nice try, Victor.
ISBECKI: Hey, no offence, Sergeant?
CHRISTINE: No offence taken.
ESPOSITO: Oh, you're a real sport, Serge.
CORASSA: One of the guys.
CHRISTINE: Oh, gee, thanks fellas. This is... Just to show that there are no hard feelings. All right. (coming up beside Mary Beth) We're starting to be boys. I'd like to contribute, well ....Molly and His Swinging Dollies to your bachelor bash. OK? (the others all clap and cheer) Varouska and ...you know what!!!
ISBECKI: Hey, ...and the Longhorn Sisters?
CHRISTINE: Hey, my treat! Eh!
(more cheering. They go away happy. Chris shakes Mary Beth's hand)
BERNICE: (coming past) The Lieutenant's on three.
CHRISTINE: Thank you. (Thornton is in the office holding the phone. He beckons Chris. She gestures 'Me?'. He nods. Basil is also in the office) What? Are they playing video games in there?
MARY BETH: Basil's finally found someone who speaks his language.
(Mary Beth raises her sample cup in Thornton's direction)

[Samuels' office]

THORNTON: (to Basil as he goes out) Officer, please close the door? (he punches away at his keyboard) It's come through.
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant?
THORNTON: Your prelim test returned positive.
CHRISTINE: What?!!!
THORNTON: (opening the report) That's the second part of it, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: Is this some kind of a joke?! ...Well, both these tests are wrong? You know they aren't reliable.
THORNTON: Testing's not an issue. However your continued ability to represent the Department here...
CHRISTINE: In Department-speak that means?
THORNTON: Regulations require that you be placed on modified assignment.
CHRISTINE: You don't have to do that.
THORNTON: It's straight procedure. I'll need your gun and shield.
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant, help me out here.
THORNTON: It's not up to me to decide. You are gonna have some downtime here, Cagney.
CHRISTINE: Look, Lieutenant, don't...
THORNTON: Don't make me ask you again. (he goes back to punching his keyboard) Sergeant.
(Chris gets her gun and shield out of her handbag)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Coleman is helping Isbecki rehearse words in Yiddish ending with 'bah mitzvah'. Isbecki then repeats it)
COLEMAN: Good, Victor. Your Jewish family's gonna be real surprised.
(Isbecki goes to the coffee table rehearsing more words. Mary Beth looks up)
ISBECKI: It's like a foreign language.
MARY BETH: Trust yourself, Victor, you're gonna do fantastic.
ISBECKI: I don't know. Her family, the kids, her friends.
MARY BETH: You love her. That's what they'll see. In fact you're John Wayne and she's Maureen O'Hara.
ISBECKI: Like "The Quiet Man".
MARY BETH: Yes.
ISBECKI: You're right. 'What's the word?'.
CHRISTINE: (coming out of the office) Let's go, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Where?!
CHRISTINE: They wanna interrogate us in Internal Affairs.
MARY BETH: About what?!
CHRISTINE: Crimes against the State.

[Internal Affairs office]

SUPERVISING OFFICER: How many years have you been on the Force?
MARY BETH: Nineteen, Lieutenant.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: Do you like being a cop?
MARY BETH: Yes, I do. Yes sir.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: It's a long job, nineteen years. Any regrets?
MARY BETH: Sure.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: Yeah?
MARY BETH: Well er, no. None actually. No, none.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: So, which is it?
MARY BETH: I regret taking a life, sir.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: Ah ha.
MARY BETH: Did you know your partner was a drunk?
(the duo looks at each other)
CHRISTINE: What's with you?!
SUPERVISING OFFICER: You got something to say?
CHRISTINE: You bet!
SUPERVISING OFFICER: I'll get back to you. (to Mary Beth) So, did you know that?
MARY BETH: My partner is an alcoholic.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: I see. How do you feel?
MARY BETH: I'm proud of her.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: You're proud of her. ...Have you ever caught her drinking on the job?!
MARY BETH: No sir.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: Now there's something I don't understand.
CHRISTINE: It's not surprising.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: (to Chris) You like to strike back, don't you?
CHRISTINE: I like to defend myself.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: Really, how is it you got raped?! It seems a contradiction.
CHRISTINE: Have you ever been raped?!!
SUPERVISING OFFICER: I was wondering about your tests.
CHRISTINE: They're wrong.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: Both of them?
CHRISTINE: Both of them.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: So, you have no faith in those tests?
CHRISTINE: They're unreliable.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: Yet you relied on your tests to indict your rapist. Isn't that correct?!
CHRISTINE: Different kind of test.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: It was accurate?
CHRISTINE: Yes!
SUPERVISING OFFICER: I see. Just let me get this straight. Tests are accurate unless they're inaccurate.
CHRISTINE: I didn't say that.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: (to Mary Beth) Detective Second-grade is very good. (the duo looks at each other) So, what is the pay increase on that?
MARY BETH: Seven thousand dollars, sir.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: Yeah. Could easier still use more, couldn't you?
MARY BETH: We're OK with what we have.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: And you do have a lot. Quite a lot! The last year you had a bonanza. Stereo, washer-drier, microwave, dining room table, (sniggering) vibrating lounge chair. ...And a new house! Wrapped all up in agreements?
MARY BETH: My husband also works, sir.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: Eight months. For three months he didn't. And five months before that.
MARY BETH: Our money comes from hard work, sir.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: And does your husband's hard work include associating with racketeers?
MARY BETH: Hey, my husband wore a wire to make the case against Leonard Swanson! He's gonna testify against him in a court of law!
SUPERVISING OFFICER: How long was he involved with Swanson before they had their little falling out?
MARY BETH: He never knew the man!
SUPERVISING OFFICER: What about your son?
MARY BETH: My so...
SUPERVISING OFFICER: He joined the Marines because there was trouble at home. What was it? Drugs?!
CHRISTINE: If you've got a point to make, get to it.
SUPERVISING OFFICER: We'll see. Let's talk about you.

[Manhattan street]

CHRISTINE: That creep knew all about the meetings I go to. How often. He even knew the name of my sponsor. Well, damn him!
MARY BETH: He made us look like scum.
CHRISTINE: I ain't used to sitting there being made a sleaze bag. If I'm gonna get a commission, I've sure got one hell of a jacket.
MARY BETH: You're not the only one with a...
CHRISTINE: It hasn't been easy having you as a partner, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: I don't wanna do this.
CHRISTINE: No! Why not!! It's how you feel, isn't it? I mean, you got your life peeled open, and what have you done? Nothing!
MARY BETH: They were four positives, Chris. It could happen to anybody.
CHRISTINE: It didn't happen to anybody. It happened to me! Again!! Christine Cagney!
MARY BETH: (as they arrive at the Squad car) Oh, give yourself a break, would ya!

[Squad car]

CHRISTINE: Cagney, the drunk! Cagney, the hothead!
MARY BETH: OK! OK! All right! I am angry. Is this what you wanna hear? Yes, I'm angry! But I'm not angry with you! ...So what do you wanna do about this?
CHRISTINE: I don't know!
MARY BETH: Oh, boy. What I wouldn't give to raise my ten glasses of semen with that donkey in Tijuana.
(Chris begins to laugh. Mary Beth joins in)
CHRISTINE: Hell of a friend. ...What do say we check out personnel back at the factory, huh? We can get there before the shift ends. Something there must be traceable. ...It's a long shot but I...
MARY BETH: It's a great suggestion. Really. We'll be in the doghouse.
CHRISTINE: As it happens we're there already.
MARY BETH: Well, I won't tell if you won't.

[Computer factory production line]

MARY BETH: (looking at a file) I don't believe this is work history. It's like a phone book. All the companies are alphabetical.
CHRISTINE: Do you know, if I were to check the references, I wouldn't have had a missing microchip.
MARY BETH: According to the files, Gault didn't exist three years ago. (pulling up) Oh!!!
CHRISTINE: What?!
MARY BETH: "Charade". The movie. Gault is trying to pass himself off as Cary Grant. The whole time we really know he's Walter Matthau.
CHRISTINE: It doesn't matter, Mary Beth. We're the ones about to be chased up Mount Rushmore.
MARY BETH: No, that was "North by Northwest".
(Patty comes in)
CHRISTINE: Hi, Patty!
MARY BETH: Did you just get off shift?
PATTY: Yeah, permanent. I just got my pink slip, thanks to you.
CHRISTINE: Us?
PATTY: Yeah, you and your lousy drug test!
CHRISTINE: Hey, we had nothing to do with that.
PATTY: Liar!! You two, you come in here lying about everything!
MARY BETH: We were doing a job.
PATTY: At least you've still got one! I worked here six years. And just because I smoked a joint, one lousy joint at a party a couple of weeks ago, I get canned.
CHRISTINE: Sorry.
PATTY: Tell me how I'm gonna get another job! Huh?! Tell me that!
MARY BETH: Hey, look, Patty,...
PATTY: If you wanted to bust Rex, why didn't you just come in here and do it?! He was snorting. He was stealing from the company. OK? But I'm a good worker. It just doesn't count for anything, does it?
(she goes off)
MARY BETH: Rex.
CHRISTINE: She knew Gault was stealing the microchips.
MARY BETH: I wonder what else she knows. (as the workers who have stopped because of the commotion) Hold up, Patty.

[Detectives' Squad room}

MARY BETH: When I was nine my mother got laid off her job.
CHRISTINE: It's not our fault, Mary Beth.
JOSIE: (the bag lady) Message.
CHRISTINE: (taking the slip) Thanks, Josie.
MARY BETH: I got home from school, and there she was, and I was so happy to see her. Well before dinner, I mean. I didn't understand what was going on until she put me to bed, and she gave me a hug so hard I couldn't breathe. And she started crying. And the next month she hooked in with her cousin lawyer.
CHRISTINE: (to Basil at the computer terminal) Basil, we need a nickname run, Eden Stretch. Perform some magic for me, will ya.
MARY BETH: Check all the lose, codes local, please.
BASIL: Right. The system's overloaded. It might me take some while.
CHRISTINE: Don't knock yourself out, it's only my career.
ESPOSITO: (coming through with Corassa and Isbecki) If the neighbours ain't complaining then it ain't a good party, guys.
ISBECKI: (to Chris) Hey, Cagney, thanks for the entertainment. I am going to go out of bachelorhood with a bang.
CHRISTINE: Tonight ...single women all over the City will be mourning.
ESPOSITO: Let's go!!
MARY BETH: Have fun.

[AA meeting}

(Jo, her sponsor comes up beside her)
CHRISTINE: Hey, they called me a drunk!
JO: Aren't you?
CHRISTINE: No, I'm an alcoholic.
JO: Does a word really matter?
CHRISTINE: Well, yes!
JO: Don't be so sure. Everybody who knew me when I was falling down drunk. Does that mean that I have to hide now I'm sober?
CHRISTINE: Yeah, but I don't want everybody knowing! It's personal!! It's private ...Not anymore.
JO: Look, Chris, it hurts. So use it. Your anonymity doesn't mean anything any more, so let go of the secret.
CHRISTINE: I can't! I'm not ready.
JO: Sure you are. If not tonight, maybe tomorrow. It's up to you.
CHRISTINE: I hate this. I just hat it!

[Laceys' kitchen}

MARY BETH: Maybe we're just cursed.
HARVEY: (who is looking at a pile of letters) Ha. Maybe they went through our mail.
MARY BETH: I don't wanna talk about it.
HARVEY: You just brought it up. Well, well, well. (finding a letter and opening it) It's a about time, Mary Beth. He didn't forget how to write.
MARY BETH: From Harve Jr.?
HARVEY: Yep.
MARY BETH: (looking at the photo he has handed her) Oh, look at him, Harve! Look at him, he's all skin and bone.
HARVEY: (with the letter) He says he's fine. I think it's just a loose uniform.
MARY BETH: What is that? Is that a bruise on his cheek?
HARVEY: No, no, that's a razor burn. It's having to shave every day.
MARY BETH: OK, Harve, read me the letter.
HARVEY: 'Dear Mum and Dad, I'm fine. I don't have hair, but I have my own M16. ...I miss your food, Mum'.
MARY BETH: (when Harvey pauses) That's it?
HARVEY: 'Love, Harvey'.
(he hands her the letter. She clasps them both to her and begins to cry)

[Detectives' Squad room}

ISBECKI: Cagney, you are a pervert.
ESPOSITO: You call her an exotic dancer?
CHRISTINE: Interpretive, Esposito. There's a difference.
COLEMAN: Now there sure is!
MARY BETH: Good morning.
CHRISTINE: Morning.
ISBECKI: We expected skin.
ESPOSITO: But what we get is seventy-five year old lady dressed in a white sheet pretending she's a waterfall.
ISBECKI: Worse. With a born-again gospel group.
CHRISTINE: So you didn't like Molly and His Swinging Dollies?
COLEMAN: Cagney, you've got a mean streak a mile wide.
MARY BETH: (sashaying back towards them doing a Mae West impression) Didn't you enjoy yourselves last night, boys?
ESPOSITO: Oh, Mary Beth, I'm shocked that you're part of this.
CHRISTINE: Hey! We were just trying to show you guys a good time.
ISBECKI: Exhibition chess doesn't exactly ring my chimes.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) How do you think we did?
MARY BETH: Inspired, my partner.
COLEMAN: Cagney, we had a good time in spite of you!
CORASSA: That Emmanuelle was terrific!
ESPOSITO: Oh, I keep one those videos, you know, just in case of emergency.
ISBECKI: (as they break up) It's almost as good as "Red River".
CHRISTINE: So much for evolution.
BASIL: (coming up with two computer printouts) Here are the nickname files on Stretch. (giving one to Chris) A copy for you. (giving the other to Mary Beth) And a copy for you.
CHRISTINE: Thanks, Basil.
MARY BETH: (to Basil) I'm happy to see you made it home from the party in one piece.
BASIL: Well, I didn't stay long. The Lieutenant gave me some crosscheck efficiency programs to run at home.
CHRISTINE: Next you'll be taking up squash. (Basil goes) Hey, ...the best defence...
MARY BETH: ...is a good offence.
CHRISTINE: (looking at the printout) Stretch. Well this one's still doing time in Attica.
MARY BETH: This one is four foot eleven!
CHRISTINE: Payday, Mary Beth. Alias Richard Brugalty. Alias about six other names. He fits the description too. And, surprise, he's swimming in priors.
MARY BETH: Turn to the next page, Chris. A sergeant with the Three-Three, Arthur Portman. He left the Department eight years ago under a cloud involving charges brought by Richard Brugalty.
CHRISTINE: Currently Richard Gault. If it works once, why not try it again?
MARY BETH: The case never went to trial. And Sergeant Portman took the trip. What do you say we pay this sergeant a visit?
CHRISTINE: I'm grounded, remember.
MARY BETH: Right. (Mary Beth picks up their coats and, aside, as she goes out) I'll meet you in the parking bay.
CHRISTINE: Right.
(Chris conceals her handbag under a file)
CHRISTINE: (passing Verna Dee as she goes out) If Thornton's looking for me, I'm in the Ladies room. (Verna Dee ignores her) Practising!

[Outside a luxury apartment block]

(they are speaking to the doorman)
ARTHUR PORTMAN: Yeah they set me up as a dirty cop. The next thing I know, the Department tells me to pee in a bottle. I said 'You pee. I quit'. (as a resident comes out) Good morning, Miss. Green.
CHRISTINE: We'd like you to testify that, Mr. Portman.
ARTHUR PORTMAN: What? In court?!
MARY BETH: Yes sir, if it comes to that.
ARTHUR PORTMAN: Forget it! When I walked away, I walked away for good.
CHRISTINE: We're giving you a chance to nail the guy that did this to you.
ARTHUR PORTMAN: Thanks to that slime I saw all the poor streets there are.
MARY BETH: Mr. Portman, you're trying to save another cop.
ARTHUR PORTMAN: You wanna fight to kick the lousy draft, go ahead. But you do it without me. Taxi, Mr. Fisher? (he beckons a taxi for another resident. To Chris) If I were you, I'd look for another line of work.
(he sees Mr. Fisher into the taxi)
CHRISTINE: (coming up to him) Sergeant Portman, didn't anybody ever tell you there's nothing as sweet as revenge?

[Precinct House front desk]

(Isbecki comes in wearing a tuxedo)
JOSIE: Good luck.
MARY BETH: Victor, what are you doing here?!
ISBECKI: I Forgot the ring in my desk.
MARY BETH: Oh.
ISBECKI: Don't forget. Seven o'clock, sharp.
MARY BETH: (as the duo comes back in) We wouldn't miss it for the world.
CHRISTINE: Don't worry, Victor. You look like a million bucks. Francine is very lucky.
ISBECKI: If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
(Isbecki goes)
CHRISTINE: Forget it. I take it back.
VERNA DEE: (passing the duo) Cagney, the Lieutenant's looking for ya. (stopping) And he checked the Ladies.

[Samuels' office]

CHRISTINE: Lieutenant, Sergeant Portman said he would testify against Gault.
THORNTON: Immaterial.
MARY BETH: With respect, sir, this is a genuine break in the case.
THORNTON: You didn't need Portman. Your final tests came back negative.
CHRISTINE: What a surprise.
THORNTON: Now I'm left with the situation where two of my detectives violated a direct order.
CHRISTINE: Oh, co...
THORNTON: I have to consider the consequences, you realise that, don't you? (picking up a file) I can tell you what the book says I should do. What do you think I should do?

[Locker room]

(Chris slams a locker door)
MARY BETH: All he wanted was an apology.
CHRISTINE: He should apologise to us! He didn't have to go through all that crap to prove himself innocent. He didn't have sit across from that pig in IA having all his life split open and spat on!
MARY BETH: Yeah, it still fells like that somebody is watching us.
CHRISTINE: What do we have left to hide?
MARY BETH: Did you get your gun and shield back?
CHRISTINE: Sure. I practically had to crawl on my hands and knees and pay for them.
MARY BETH: Say, Chris, don't we have a wedding to go to? Music. ...A little dancing.
CHRISTINE: Isbecki.
MARY BETH: Wedding cake?
CHRISTINE: You can have my piece too.

[Manhattan street]

(Harvey and David are strolling together. The duo follows. Chris is carrying the bride's bouquet)
DAVID KEELER: I don't know. I think I'd like a church wedding. If you did it again, you'd go that route, wouldn't you?
HARVEY: Well, to tell you the truth, David, I don't remember the ceremony. But I remember every inch of that hotel room in the Poconos.
(they put their arms around each other, giggle and look back)
CHRISTINE: That was some wedding cake, huh?
MARY BETH: Oh, it was so romantic. Ginger radiant. Victor terrified and handsome. It was a good thing Marcus was there to prop him up.
CHRISTINE: I still can't believe it. Victor, a family man. Soon there'll be the cry of little Isbeckis ringing throughout Manhattan.
MARY BETH: You and David danced a lot.
CHRISTINE: I had extra energy!
MARY BETH: Oh, you sure did! And when you pushed and shoved to get that bouquet.
CHRISTINE: I never pushed or shoved anybody!!
MARY BETH: Christine, single women were being toppled right and left. You were very competitive.
CHRISTINE: Yeah.
(she smells the bouquet and lets Mary Beth smell it)
MARY BETH: Ah!!

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