Trading Places
Original Airdate: January 19, 1988

[Samuels' office]

(Chris comes in and hangs her coat up. She is followed by Mary Beth who is carrying two boxes)
CHRISTINE: This it! Get your riding boots on, Mary Beth. (handing Samuels' nameplate to Mary Beth) Christine Cagney is at the rudder of the Fourteenth, and it's smooth sailing from hereon in, Mary Beth. (polishing her own nameplate on her jacket) The Brass is certainly gonna get to know about this.
MARY BETH: (pointing to the boxes) Chris, do you really need all this stuff?
CHRISTINE: First rule of leadership, Mary Beth. Be prepared.
MARY BETH: I thought that was the Boy Scouts. Do you have any idea when the Lieutenant's gonna be back?
CHRISTINE: Well, he said something about special detail.
ESPOSITO: (coming in with a cup) Coffee, Sergeant Cagney. No cream. Two sugars.
CHRISTINE: Thank you.
ESPOSITO: Do you know what I always say? ...A woman's place is in charge.
(Chris and Esposito point to one another and laugh)
CHRISTINE: (as he goes to leave) Esposito! A cup of coffee for Detective Lacey, please. Black.
MARY BETH: Thank you! Christine, I picked up this book. "Gourmet Garnishing for the Working Woman". Do you know, for our dinner party, Friday.
MARY BETH: This Friday. ...Me and Harvey, you and David. The double date.
MARY BETH: Anyhow, this book, it tells you how you can take squash and make it look like a swan. And you can make it er, make it look like a bouquet of roses.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you do not have to make a big fuss.
MARY BETH: I could see David Keeler for the rest of his life, Christine, and never fully repay him for helping me with my review board. I feel like a criminal for not doing it sooner. I should have done it in October, but then you and me got sick. And all that business with Harvey Jr. And there's the holidays...
CHRISTINE: It's soon enough.
MARY BETH: It's Friday.
COLEMAN: (coming in and handing her a bunch of files) Sergeant Cagney, but the Lieutenant's Squad Reports are due first thing.
CHRISTINE: It can rain paperwork, Coleman. It wouldn't ruin my parade.
COLEMAN: Yeah, well, and good luck behind the wheel. Don't drive without the cushion.
CHRISTINE: Right-ee-o!
MARY BETH: (taking the coffee from Esposito as he hands it through the door) Oh, thank you.
CHRISTINE: Thank you! Ah, ha, ha. (she sits down in Samuels' chair and puts her feet up on the desk. She has her boots on. Mary Beth hands her her coffee) The sweet smell of success. (they toast) To us. There's nothing wrong with this pitch today.
KNELMAN: (coming in with a young, smart-suited man carrying a briefcase) Sergeant Cagney!
CHRISTINE: (leaping up) Inspector!
KNELMAN: Detective Lacey.
MARY BETH: Good morning, sir.
KNELMAN: Er, Cagney, listen, I'm glad I caught you before... well, before you got the wrong idea.
CHRISTINE: Wrong idea, Inspector?
THORNTON: Oh, let me introduce myself. Lieutenant Jim Thornton.
MARY BETH: (shaking his hand) Lieutenant Thornton. I've heard good things about Detective Lacey. (shaking Chris's hand) And about you, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: Oh, well, thank you, Lieutenant. Nice to meet you.
KNELMAN: Lieutenant Thornton here will be holding the reins in Samuels' absence.
(Chris's face drops)
THORNTON: Er, temporarily, of course.
CHRISTINE: I don't un... I don't understand.
KNELMAN: He's a top instructor at the Academy. Just submitted a study to the Department. "The Paradigm of the High-tech Precinct".
CHRISTINE: I'm sure that it's very interesting, Inspector.
KNELMAN: And I thought it would be a good time to give his ideas a try around here.
CHRISTINE: Don't you think it would be wiser if you had someone in command who had a working knowledge of this Squad, ...Inspector?
KNELMAN: I wasn't aware I had to consult a second whip for my administrative decisions!
CHRISTINE: Especially if your second whip was a woman!
KNELMAN: Lieutenant Thornton is in charge, Sergeant! End of discussion. Jim. Detective.
(Knelman leaves, They all look at one another. Chris begins to put her stuff back in the boxes)
THORNTON: You know, Sergeant, I don't need this room right away. I could go get a cup of coffee. Interface with the Squad. Familiarise myself.
CHRISTINE: It's no bother. I'll be out of here before you know it, Lieutenant.
MARY BETH: Lieutenant.
(the duo picks up the boxes. Chris takes her nameplate and her coat and they leave)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(the rest of the Squad watch them return to their desks)
CHRISTINE: (dumping her box on her desk) He's in my office!!
MARY BETH: I know it.
CHRISTINE: The second whip always does the temporary slot.
MARY BETH: Does he care, Christine? You have to learn to live with it.
CHRISTINE: (hanging her coat up) 'High-tech Precinct', my butt! That guy wouldn't recognise a perp if he were handcuffed and had numbers painted across his chest.
MARY BETH: Christine, one day, when you're Captain, we'll look back on this and laugh. It's all perspective.
CHRISTINE: My responsibility is here and now. Well, here and now, I am ticked!!

[Laceys' dining room]

HARVEY: OK, babe, throw the breaker.
(the dining room lights come on. She comes in)
HARVEY: (turning the chandelier dimmer switch down and up) Voila!
MARY BETH: (coming in and trying it herself) Ohhh, Harvey!
MARY BETH: This is wonderful. You know what would be perfect? I'll pick up amber-coloured bulbs. It's such a warm glow.
HARVEY: Yeah. I don't understand how you stand that Midtown gridlock every day, Mary Beth. A week of it and I'm ready to strangle anyone leaning on their horn!
MARY BETH: OK. (adjusting the dimmer) This is how we start. Bright and cheerful with the appetiser. Get the conversation going.
HARVEY: Yeah. Do you know how many permits I needed just to break ground in Manhattan? And deliveries? Forget about it!
MARY BETH: Well, it'll be nice to watch those numbers add up in the bank though, honey? (looking through a cookbook) How do you make geraci paté?
HARVEY: It doesn't matter whether you wrap it or grind it. I don't know. I'm taking in more but it doesn't go in my pocket. You should see the rental prices on the equipment.
MARY BETH: Aren't you the one that says 'Headaches always go with the territory'?
MARY BETH: (at the dimmer control) Now we turn it down a little lower...
HARVEY: Ah ha.
MARY BETH: ...for the main course ...and we light the candles.
HARVEY: Yeah. Don't get the scented ones. All right? Then when you find the company that is not committing highway robbery, the equipment is all screwed up. Yesterday, a track on a bulldozer wouldn't move. This morning a crane wouldn't start.
MARY BETH: You're right, Harve. (holding salt and pepper shakers on a mat) Classic white pieces. A little stress goes with success.
HARVEY: A little too much with this job.
MARY BETH: OK. (going back to the dimmer switch) What do you think of this?
(she turns the lights down lower) This is it.
HARVEY: Don't get too much in the mood here, Mary Beth. This is a Thank-you Dinner, not the grand seduction.
HARVEY: Ah ha. You start playing footsie under the table and I better feel my pulse tingling. Mm hm.
MARY BETH: And this here (she turns the lights out) is very romantic.
MARY BETH: Mm. (they embrace and kiss) This is so invigorating.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Thornton comes out and starts putting files on the detectives' desks)
THORNTON: Good. Isbecki. Jordan. Good. Corassa.
ESPOSITO: Lieutenant, I've been reading your paper, and quite frankly, sir, I can't put it down. This is inspirational. It's illuminating.
THORNTON: Thank you for the feedback. Er, Detective Esposito, isn't it?
ESPOSITO: E, S, P, S, I, T, O.
(he puts a file on Esposito's desk)
THORNTON: Good. (putting a file on Chris's desk) Sergeant Cagney, a moment with you about assignments, please. (putting a file on Mary Beth's desk) Detective Lacey. Excellent.
CHRISTINE: (as she goes past Mary Beth) Sit down, Detective.
ESPOSITO: (holding up the paradigm) Let's file this under BS, huh?
(he puts it in a wastepaper basket)
VERNA DEE: (coming up with the file) Do you see what he's put on my activity report? Lieutenant Samuels is twice as nice..
ISBECKI: I don't trust any cop that carries a gun in a police station.
BERNICE: Or carries a briefcase.
MORDECAI ISHBECKOWITZ: (coming in) Excuse me, I'm looking for ...Victor Isbecki.
ISBECKI: In the flesh. How can I help you?
MORDECAI ISHBECKOWITZ: (going towards Isbecki) My name is ...Mordecai Ishbeckowitz! I'm you cousin. From Tel Aviv!
(Isbecki and the others looked stunned)

[Interview room]

ISBECKI: This is absolutely ridiculous. Both my parents are Catholics.
MORDECAI ISHBECKOWITZ: Victor, why would I lie to you? You and me are the end of the line. We are all that's left of our family.
ISBECKI: Mister, this is a pretty sick joke. My father did not have any brothers or sisters.
MORDECAI ISHBECKOWITZ: He wanted nothing to do with my father. You see, ...when the Nazis came to Poland, our grandfather, Joseph, was killed by the Gestapo. You father and my father watched him die. After Joseph's death, your father insisted the rest of family flee to America. My father thought it wouldn't last. That they would be safe. My father died during the war. Your father, came here, got married, had you.
ISBECKI: He was a Catholic. I saw him go Catholic.
MORDECAI ISHBECKOWITZ: Probably bought it on the Black Market. They were blocking the exit of Jews.
(Isbecki gets up and goes to the window. Mordecai joins him)
MORDECAI ISHBECKOWITZ: Victor, I wouldn't have come at all but you see, last year my mother, God bless her, passed away. Then I learnt of your mother's death too. (putting his hands on Victor's shoulder) We are just ...and me.

[Samuels' office]

(Thornton has a computer terminal on the desk)
THORNTON: I am merely suggesting that there maybe an alternate, potentially more effective means of approaching any given case.
CHRISTINE: Well, if you would, merely, (she puts her hand on the terminal) peruse your data, I think you would see that this Squad is doing fine just the way it is.
THORNTON: (standing up) If you think there's no room for improvement...

[Manhattan street]

CHRISTINE: Your probably wondering what we're doing on this pathetic case. Now you're thinking, why did my partner, a reasonably bright woman, who saw a future in the Police Department, get us assigned to the silliest, most insignificant case since Aunt Tilley lost her wedding ring.
MARY BETH: I would say you're getting around to filling me in.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, well, when an over-educated potato like Thornton tells me that our Precinct is lax and old fashioned, I get a little excited. Lax, Mary Beth! can you believe that?!
MARY BETH: I lost my wedding ring once. Down the sink in the old apartment. And Harvey had to take apart all the pipes and...
CHRISTINE: 'There's no substitute for procedures', he says. 'Detectives don't use the full resources of the Department, only on the flashy cases', he says. 'The little cases, well, you handle them out on the streets and then you lose them in a file room'.
MARY BETH: We do all to tend to jump at the homicides.
CHRISTINE: So he leaned over the desk and he gave me a lecture on it. And I said 'Flashy cases and little cases, we handle 'em all the same in this Squad. And we handle them out on the streets because that's how real police work is done. Not in front of some blippy, green computer screen'.
MARY BETH: Right. This ought to be his corner, here.
CHRISTINE: 'Give me the first unfinished case you can punch up', I said. 'And we will solve it out on the street. I and Detective Lacey and I will solve it before you can rearrange your floppy discs'. So he punched in... Here we are.
(a man is running a hotdog stall on a temporary table with an umbrella over it. The duo approaches)
MARY BETH: Mr. Romano? NYPD, sir. You reported a missing hotdog cart.
(he just spreads his arms, indicating he still has no cart)

[Lacey' dining room]

(Mary Beth comes home laden down with shopping)
HARVEY: I told you once. I told you twice, Michael, I don't wanna hear any more excuses! Get to your room!!
MARY BETH: What is going on, Harvey?
HARVEY: I come home from work. The kid has got every light in the house on!
MARY BETH: I could hear you right out on the driveway.
HARVEY: (shouting up the stairs) Who do you think is paying the bills around here?! Huh?!! I don't wanna hear any more excuses!!!
MARY BETH: Honey, please, try not to go crazy.
HARVEY: Crazy?! Look who's talking? You're burning enough for all of us with your big dinner for the hotshot lawyer!!

[Laceys' kitchen]

MARY BETH: (unpacking the shopping) What are you talking about?
HARVEY: I'm talking about mood lighting!! (taking two bottles off Mary Beth) I'm talking about eighty bucks a piece for Champagne!!!
MARY BETH: Honey, you told me yourself, get something nice. I mean, David Keeler saved us five thousand dollars.
HARVEY: I didn't think you were gonna spend it all on dinner! And you shouldn't be having Champagne with Chris here!
MARY BETH: (taking the two bottles off him) I asked her already. We can deal with other people's drinking. Is there anything else you wanna jump down my throat about?
HARVEY: Well, it depends on what's next!

[Lacey' dining room]

HARVEY: (going back into the dining room and gesturing) Maybe you wanna redo the wallpaper to match the crown roast.
MARY BETH: What is with you, Harvey. You're yelling at Michael. You're yelling at me. If we had a dog, you'd be kicking it! Now this is more than about light bulbs and a fancy dinner. What is wrong, Harve?
HARVEY: Nothing.
MARY BETH: Well, it doesn't look like nothing to Michael and to me.
HARVEY: I don't wanna talk about it, Mary Beth. Leave it! OK?!
MARY BETH: OK. (they walk opposite ways round the dining room table and come face to face) So, ...what's going on at work?
HARVEY: Nothing! I'll handle it myself!!
MARY BETH: Handle what, Harve? Is it labour troubles? Are we gonna lose the contract?
HARVEY: It's my problem!!!
MARY BETH: (pulling him back as he tries to go upstairs) Honey, if you have a problem, I have a problem too.
HARVEY: I'll deal with this ...myself!!
(he disappears upstairs)
MARY BETH: Deal with what, Harve?!!! (she chases him up the stairs) Deal with what, Harve?!!!

[Ladies room]

MARY BETH: So we're up till three oh-five in the AM playing "Twenty Questions" in every single room in the house. And finally Harvey let's out about this equipment trouble he's been having. It looks like a lot more than bad luck.
CHRISTINE: Who's behind it? The contractor that he underbid?
MARY BETH: He doesn't know, but he found water in the gas tank of his skip loader. And it hasn't rained in three weeks, Chris. And somebody stole a pin from a bulldozer track. The list goes on.
CHRISTINE: The question is, who's behind it.
MARY BETH: The question is, how come he didn't tell me in the first place. How come I had to drag it out of him.
HARVEY: Well, it's his world, Mary Beth. It's his domain. He doesn't like you running after him, flashing a badge. You know, trying to solve his problems for him.
MARY BETH: That man can be so pig-headed sometimes.
CHRISTINE: Not like you.
MARY BETH: I beg your pardon!
CHRISTINE: How did it end?
MARY BETH: A draw.
(Mary Beth walks out)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(the duo comes in from the Ladies room)
CHRISTINE: You know, Mary Beth, I've been thinking, maybe tonight isn't the right time for this little dinner party thing. What with trouble in Paradise and all, it seems...
MARY BETH: Christine. Fair warning. The next person that says one negative thing about my dinner party in honour of David Keeler, I'll...
CHRISTINE: We'll be there.
MARY BETH: I'm bowled over by your boundless enthusiasm.
CHRISTINE: I'm just thinking about how the conversation's gonna go after you've all agreed that the weather's miserable.
MARY BETH: Why, do you think that Harvey is not scintillating enough for your Mr. Pure?
CHRISTINE: I didn't say that!
MARY BETH: Harvey's a very smart man, Christine. He learnt about life by living it.
CHRISTINE: I didn't say he's not smart, Mary Beth. It's just the case that he and David don't seem to have a lot in common.
MARY BETH: Well, you and I are not exactly identical twins, and we have managed to find something else to talk about besides the weather.
CHRISTINE: You're right! It'll be great!
MARY BETH: Course it's gonna be great. ...Unless Harvey ...goes off on one of his conspiracy theories.
CHRISTINE: Well, if David is not his usual argumentative self...
MARY BETH: It's tough to get Harve to come up for air once he's on a roll.
CHRISTINE: David will disagree with his own shadow. (her phone goes. Into hone) Cagney, Fourteenth. ...Yeah. Hi Sharon. What did you get? ...Yeah. It fits. ...OK. ..Yes, I still owe you one.
(she rings off)
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant Thornton and Inspector Knelman are squash partners. They play every week. Why am I not surprised?
COLEMAN: (coming up) Maybe the hotdog cart case has got lift off? (giving them the message) With my, condiments!
CHRISTINE: You know, Mary Beth, it's the people we work with that makes this job so special.
COLEMAN: (going and grabbing from Isbecki's mouth what he is eating) A ham sandwich!!! (Isbecki leaps up threatening to hit Coleman) No! Please! Victor! I'll get my wife to get you some gefilte fish and potato kugel!
(Coleman runs away with the sandwich)
ESPOSITO: (stopping Isbecki from following Coleman) Ishbeckowitz, my friend, have I got a deal for you!
ISBECKI: (escaping to his desk) Not now, Esposito.
ESPOSITO: How to speak Yiddish in fifteen easy lessons, available on portable cassette tape. And look, a pillow speaker! It speaks while you sleep!
ISBECKI: (getting up) Not now, Esposito.
CORASSA: (coming up and stopping Isbecki) I don't wanna scare you, Victor. but I hear at your age circumcision is painful.
ESPOSITO: Ooooo!!!
(Corassa laughs)
ISBECKI: Why don't you guys leave me alone, huh?
CORASSA: Just a little, good-natured ragging, that's all.
ISBECKI: Well, I don't think it's so funny. My father lied to me!
(Isbecki storms out past Coleman and Basil)
BASIL: (to Coleman) Sergeant, there's a call waiting you better take.

[Squad car]

CHRISTINE: The future is here, Mary Beth. A robot wearing a tie marches into our lives and demands our undying loyalty just because he chases a little squash ball around a court.
MARY BETH: Didn't she say he was Ivy League champion?
CHRISTINE: And he always lets Knelman win.
MARY BETH: And you don't believe in playing the game to get ahead, Christine?
CHRISTINE: Well, I don't run around in white shorts saying 'Great shot!'. Or 'You're really trying to cover up that sucker!'.
MARY BETH: Are we supposed to turn left or right?
CHRISTINE: I don't care. He's a wimp.
MARY BETH: Christine!
CHRISTINE: Left. ...And left again. I think we're losing the point. I don't think we should care whether the carts land up in Philly or Boston. Naturally his computer tells him...
MARY BETH: Well, maybe we ought to give Philly and Boston a list of the missing serial numbers.
CHRISTINE: And give Thornton a chance to be right?! Besides, what are we supposed to do? Pick up the phone and say, 'Excuse me, can we have a couple of your best detectives call around a few hotdog carts?'.
MARY BETH: The file looked good on paper.
CHRISTINE: First rule of robotics, Mary Beth. Never let the truth get in the way of the facts.
POLICE RADIO: Central to car twenty-one.
CHRISTINE: (into microphone) Twenty-one. OK.
POLICE RADIO: According to Central, Detective Lacey's husband has been involved in a minor accident and is currently receiving treatment at the Metropolitan Hospital.
CHRISTINE: (into microphone) Ten-four.
MARY BETH: Put the bubble on.
CHRISTINE: (putting the red light on the roof) Turn right, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: They always say that. I can't believe I let him go there.
CHRISTINE: Do you want me to drive?
MARY BETH: I cannot believe I let him go there, but...
(Mary Beth screams around the right turn causing cars to take avoiding action)
CHRISTINE: Would you watch it?!!! ...Watch the car!!

[Hospital A & E]

(Harvey is sitting with his right shoulder strapped up)
MARY BETH: (to the doctor as he goes out) Thank you.
HARVEY: Relax, babe. It's just a few lousy stitches. No big deal.
MARY BETH: Sure. No, it's no big deal. A typical day. Get up in the morning. You go to work and suddenly a crane dumps a load of lumber on your head.
HARVEY: He missed.
MARY BETH: Who are you trying to kid, Harvey?
HARVEY: A guy named Swanson comes down to my site this morning. Tries to muscle me in front of my men.
MARY BETH: What does he do?
HARVEY: I don't know. He owns some rental equipment company. Walks up to me in a five hundred dollar suit. I can still smell him. 'Mr. Lacey,' he says 'would you like to rent more reliable equipment from my company? It's a matter of time, Mr. Lacey, before you see it my way'. I told him 'I turned down your sky-high bid before and I'm not changing my mind'. (pointing to his shoulder) Four hours later this happened.
MARY BETH: How long's the crane operator been with you?
HARVEY: A three-month temporary when we fell behind.
MARY BETH: Sure. Tied with Swanson all the long. I'll run them both through the computers.
HARVEY: Swanson's not pushing me around, Mary Beth. He's nothing but a punk on the streets.
MARY BETH: (as she helps him on with his shirt) Sounds kind of rough for a punk, Harve. Lucky you jumped out the way, huh? What if you hadn't been so quick? Look at this? Your favourite work shirt.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (coming in with Mary Beth and reading from a computer printout) Nothing on the crane operator.
MARY BETH: He probably gave Harve an alias.
CHRISTINE: Look at this Swanson here. 'Racketeering. Dealing drugs. Criminal damage to property. Murder'. ...Reduced to manslaughter. Charges dropped.
MARY BETH: (taking the printout) Let's nail this sucker.
CHRISTINE: You got it, partner. (her phone goes. Into phone) Cagney, Fourteenth. (she looks across at the office) ...Oh, yes, we'll be right in. (she puts the phone down) Thornton wants to see us.
(Mary Beth looks across at the office. Thornton beckons her)

[Samuels' office]

THORNTON: You're familiar with regulations, Detective? In a case involving your husband, if you participate, it won't make it to court.
MARY BETH: Court? Excuse me. I would like some consideration here, sir.
THORNTON: I am assigning Corassa (tapping his computer keyboard) and Esposito, and I'll make sure it gets top priority.
CHRISTINE: Look, Lieutenant, if you've got an attitude towards me, fine, but don't take it out on my partner.
THORNTON: Detective Lacey, would you leave us alone for a moment?
MARY BETH: With due respect, sir, I think it's wrong for you to take this case away from me.
THORNTON: Now, Detective Lacey!
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
(Mary Beth leaves and closes the door)
THORNTON: (standing up) If there's an attitude, Sergeant, I'm the one who walked into it. You recognise who owns this place. The depute for Lieutenant landed up on my desk.
CHRISTINE: Technically it's Lieutenant Samuels' desk, ...sir.
THORNTON: I will not be made a lame duck by you.
CHRISTINE: A little more experience might make you a little less insecure.
THORNTON: Should I put that quote in your jacket, Sergeant? ...Any more little outbursts like this, and that's exactly where it's going, with a reprimand. Are we clear?!
THORNTON: Then let's see some results. Your approach to your hotdog case is going nowhere.

[Ladies room]

(Mary Beth is looking in the mirror. Chris is looking over her shoulder)
CHRISTINE: Admit it, Mary Beth. You hate him. You hate his guts! I'd like to tie him to his computer and pull the switch! Just imagine. Thornton, fried to a crystal. All over the City, the lights dim. Huh?
MARY BETH: Christine, don't you have something better to do, like pull the wings off a fly?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you aren't really serious about going through with this dinner, are you?
CHRISTINE: The dinner, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Seven-thirty!
MARY BETH: Christine, it has been a long ...and difficult day, but not for one moment would I allow myself to be robbed of the happy, festive evening that Harvey and I ...are so eagerly anticipating. We'll be waiting for you.

[Laceys' bedroom]

(Mary Beth is in a cocktail dress. Harvey has a white shirt on)
HARVEY: I have a completion bond, Mary Beth! Do you have any idea how much money we would lose?
MARY BETH: Money! What do I care about the money?!
HARVEY: I am not shutting down, Mary Beth. I am not running scared.
MARY BETH: Harvey. are you sure you wanna go through with this dinner?
HARVEY: Yes! I'm not gonna let Swanson ruin our lives! There are guys like him in this business all the time! Every time you move up a rung on the ladder, Mary Beth, there are guys waiting to get a piece out of you!!
HARVEY: I'm only saying shut down until Manny and Al have had a chance to make their case. You can't go back to work like nothing happened.
HARVEY: Well, do suggest I should do? Pack it all up. Forget about getting a life for my men and my family? Is that what you want?! Because unless I deal with this, that is what is going to happen!
MARY BETH: Are you putting on a tie, Harvey?
HARVEY: Huh?! (picking up his jacket) I have worked very hard, Mary Beth, to get where I am, and I have to decide right now if the game's gonna be played by Swanson's rules, because once you start dancing, Mary Beth, you can't stop the music.
MARY BETH: Honey, it's seven twenty-seven. David and Christine are gonna be here any minute. You haven't finished dressing.
HARVEY: (going behind her as she looks in the mirror) Are you finished dressing?
(the doorbell goes)

[Laceys' dining]

(Harvey and David are in deep conversation)
HARVEY: Well, what about the Iran-Contra deal? Nothing but a total whitewash.
DAVID KEELER: Do you know about the lawsuit from the Christie Institute?
HARVEY: Are you kidding?! Man, you're talking about one of my all-time heroes. He's been busted because he blew the CIA thing wide open!
DAVID KEELER: Smuggling cocaine through Costa Rica to pay for arming the Contras.
HARVEY: What about Vietnam?
(Harvey and David continue their conversation)
CHRISTINE: What about the weather we're having?
MARY BETH: What about it?
DAVID KEELER: The CIA hired those dudes when they tried to bump off Castro.
(Alice starts to cry)
HARVEY: I'll get it.
DAVID KEELER: (finishes his coffee) Oh boy. That was an incredible meal, Mary Beth. Thank you. Chris, we have to get her recipe for crown roast. (Chris's face drops) Mary Beth, I like your place. It's so warm. You've got a nice backyard for a barbecue. Chris, wouldn't you like a backyard?
CHRISTINE: For what?!
(Harvey comes in with Alice)
HARVEY: She likes a late night snack, like her Daddy.
MARY BETH: (taking Alice) Come here.
HARVEY: I'll go and get her something.
DAVID KEELER: (coming up) Look who's here. Could I hold her?
MARY BETH: (to Alice) Well, what do you say, sweetheart? Do you want to meet a world-class lawyer? 'I do'. Handing Alice to David) There.
DAVID KEELER: Well, how ya doing, Alice Christine? Huh? Are you hungry? Huh? (taking Alice's hand and giving it a kiss) Well, look at this? (walking round the table) You're a real sweetie pie, aren't you? You certainly are. (kneeling down by Chris) I've got an idea. Do you wanna say 'Hi' to your namesake? Huh?
CHRISTINE: Hi ya, Alice.
DAVID KEELER: Say 'Hi'. You're such a beautiful girl. Yes you are, you're a beautiful girl.
(he kisses Alice's other hand)
MARY BETH: Harvey! Come and look at his, Harve.
DAVID KEELER: (putting an arm round Chris) Two beautiful girls.
MARY BETH: Look at this. It could be your kid. (Chris stares at Mary Beth) No, look, I mean. With your hair and his eyes. (shouting out) It could be their kid, Harvey! Oh, look at that. (shouting louder) Harvey, come and look at this!! It's just the cutest thing you ever saw in your whole life!

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: David thought it was a scene from "Father Knows Best", all the way back to Manhattan.
MARY BETH: Poor man. He didn't even complain when Alice plastered chocolate sauce all over his tie. Did he tell he was going to the next Democratic Club meeting with Harve?
CHRISTINE: Oh yes. If I had a kid brother he'd be into playing baseball with him.
MARY BETH: I think I had him pegged all wrong, Christine. He's a lot more like Bill Cosby than Harry Hamlin.
(Chris's phone goes)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Fourteenth. Sergeant Cagney. ...Hi, Mr. Romano. ...Ah ha. ...Where?! ...Are you sure? ...OK... What? ...No, no, no, you let us handle it. All right. ...We'll be in touch. ...OK. Thank you. ...Bye.
(Chris rings off)
MARY BETH: The hotdog vendor.
CHRISTINE: A very happy man. He saw his cart last night at St. Clares, an art gallery in Soho.
MARY BETH: (following Chris out) What was it doing there?
CHRISTINE: Dispensing hot dogs, he says.
MARY BETH: In an art gallery!
CHRISTINE: Sort of reverse chic. They were having an opening soirée of some kind. Anyway they wouldn't let Romano in, so this morning he wants to go over there with his stevedore cousin, Castelli Romani. I told him we'd take care of it.
THORNTON: (coming in) Any substance in the reports from Philadelphia yet, Sergeant?
CHRISTINE: Unfortunately, Lieutenant, we've been unable to interface with the appropriate divisions.
MARY BETH: We do have a promising lead in Soho, sir.
THORNTON: Tonight, if you want, Sergeant. The fact is that success in contemporary police work depends on telecommunications, not shoe leather.
(he goes to the office)
CHRISTINE: A weak serve doesn't hurt either.

[Outside the Soho art gallery]

(the duo comes out)
CHRISTINE: (to a man who comes out with them) Thank you so much.
MARY BETH: I never heard an accent like that.
CHRISTINE: Soho, by way of Hoboken.
MARY BETH: A pity that Mr. Romano didn't spot his cart a little earlier.
CHRISTINE: That scene must have been pretty busy if they snuck that cart out last night.
MARY BETH: Do you wanna check it out or do we call Philly instead?
CHRISTINE: (opening the Squad car door for Mary Beth) I have a theory. Leave to him high tech. The longer he keeps on the Squad room phone, the easier it is to keep an eye on him. So let's check it out.

[Precinct House front desk]

CHRISTINE: If we don't hear from him by noon, we'll call him back.
COLEMAN: News flash! Corassa and Esposito just brought in the crane operator, real name Constantine Festa. Turns out he's got a major yellow sheet.
MARY BETH: Where is he?
CHRISTINE: Did they take his partner?
MARY BETH: Where is he?!
COLEMAN: He's in the interrogation room. They're not getting anything out of him.
(Mary Beth charges off to the staircase just as Corassa and Isbecki bring Festa down)
MARY BETH: Son of a bitch!
CONSTANTINE FESTA: What's your problem?
MARY BETH: I hate scum. Swanson put you up to it, didn't he?
CONSTANTINE FESTA: That was an accident. Maybe I hiccoughed, who knows.
MARY BETH: (hitting Festa) Wrong answer, Mr. Festa!
CORASSA: Easy, Detective!
CONSTANTINE FESTA: (as Mary Beth backs him up the stairs) Hey, hey, you got nothing on me. Out of my way, lady, I'm a free man!
ESPOSITO: Calm down, Mary Beth!
MARY BETH: (pushing Festa down on to a stair) I said 'Wrong answer!'.
CHRISTINE: Back off, Mary Beth.
CONSTANTINE FESTA: Did you see what she did?
CHRISTINE: Yeah, you tripped.
MARY BETH: Maybe a hiccough. Maybe you'll change your mind (grabbing him by the lapels and putting at the bottom of the stairs) or get to hell out of my face! (Festa goes. To Esposito and Corassa) You've gotta get something else.
CORASSA: I know how you feel.
MARY BETH: You guessed wrong. You never thought about how I feel.
CORASSA: You're fighting the home team.
MARY BETH: (to Esposito) What else did you get? ...Did you talk to the other contractors we rent stuff from?
ESPOSITO: I handle this investigation the way I want. Everybody's afraid to talk.
MARY BETH: So what other leads?!
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, why don't...
MARY BETH: Leads, Detectives! Leads!
CORASSA: We're doing everything we can!
MARY BETH: Not good enough!
ESPOSITO: Oh, you're way out of line, Detective!
MARY BETH: Yeah?!! Then you come up with more than dead ends!
ESPOSITO: We're doing our job!!
MARY BETH: (walking out) Do it better!!!
(they all stare after her)

[Ladies room]

(Mary Beth is sitting on the bench, her head hung)
CHRISTINE: (coming in) You all right?
(she sits beside Mary Beth)
MARY BETH: (holding out her hands) Look at me. I'm shaking here.
CHRISTINE: (taking hold of Mary Beth's hands) He's your husband, Mary Beth. Nobody's gonna do a good enough job.
MARY BETH: Every morning when I walk out the door, I have a thought at the back of my mind, that he may never see me again. ...This morning, I watched Harve walk out the door... Oh!
(she puts er head in her other hand)

[Lacey's bedroom]

(Harvey is in the bathroom)
HARVEY: I told Corassa I'm in.
MARY BETH: No! You are not wearing any wire, Harvey. Leonard Swanson murdered a construction foreman. He thought the man was stalling for the cops and he stabbed him to death.
HARVEY: Mary Beth, this is set up. If we can set up a meet with Swanson...
MARY BETH: Did you go deaf, Harvey?! Stabbed him to death. Do you wanna wire and then go testify? This man is a professional.
HARVEY: That is exactly right, Mary Beth. And if he is gonna get me for going to court, he is gonna get me anyway, because I am not giving in.
MARY BETH: Honey, the Department doesn't need you. We do a set up. We do a sting and we put somebody else in!
HARVEY: Mary Beth, the police have never been able to make any charges stick! Nobody is willing to stand up to Swanson. Nobody is willing to carry the ball!!
MARY BETH: Yeah, well why should you be team captain?!
HARVEY: Oh, Mary Beth, don't insult me!
MARY BETH: What is it with the men in this family that have to prove they're wearing their antlers! Are you trying to send a message to Harvey Jr.?
HARVEY: Yeah, maybe we should have sent him one a long time ago. Eh?! Maybe if I hadn't have worn the apron so much, he wouldn't have wanted to leave!
MARY BETH: That is not true.
HARVEY: (after a pause for thought) Mary Beth, no man has the right to do what Swanson is doing to us. I am gonna wear that wire. I am gonna get that bastard.
(he goes out)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Esposito is eating a doughnut and reading "The New York Times".
ISBECKI: (coming in with a box) OK, put down your doughnuts, I've got breakfast for everyone.
ESPOSITO: What have you got?
ISBECKI: (handing something to Esposito) Soul food.
VERNA DEE: Now you're talking!
ISBECKI: (handing the same to Verna Dee) Bagels.
COLEMAN: And gefilte fish.
VERNA DEE: My mouth will be hurting for crisps.
ISBECKI: Hey, you've gotta be open-minded. This is Jewish soul food. (going up to Corassa and Coleman) Come on, guys. Eat!!!
CORASSA: I thought you didn't like being Jewish.
COLEMAN: No, it's the rest of us, driven to distraction for having to claim him!

[Locker room]

(Mary Beth is taking off her coat)
CHRISTINE: You've got to admire him, Mary Beth. How many times do we have people come to us crying for help and then when we ask them to assist with the case, they're out the door.
CHRISTINE: So we risk our lives to protect them.
MARY BETH: It's our job, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, well I think maybe we should work together.
MARY BETH: Sure. Work together. We send somebody into a legal situation while we sit out in the car drinking coffee. And then, if there's any trouble, we rush in, hopefully in time.
CHRISTINE: If it were anyone else, Mary Beth, you'd wire them in a minute.
MARY BETH: It's not anyone else. It's Harvey.

[Samuels' office]

ESPOSITO: We already tried that.
MARY BETH: Tap his phone. Catch him threatening other contacts.
CORASSA: We tried that too. No judge would give us an eavesdropping warrant on the word of only one contractor.
ESPOSITO: None of the contractors are willing to make a statement. They quake in their boots at the very mention of...
MARY BETH: He stabbed a complainee, sir.
CORASSA: And he got off.
ESPOSITO: It's the best way to get Swanson before he gets to anybody else.
MARY BETH: Lieutenant, I think it's a short cut!! And I don't think it's safe, sir.
ESPOSITO: Excuse me, Lieutenant, we're aware of all the risks involved here and none of us, including Mr. Lacey, would do it, if there were another way!
CORASSA: We'll have double the usual back ups and the location has excellent access.
THORNTON: If Detective Lacey does not feel comfortable with having her husband wired, then we'll have to find another way.
MARY BETH: Thank you, sir.
(they all leave, including Chris)

[Detectives' Squad room]

CORASSA: (to Mary Beth as they come out of the office) Thanks for the vote of confidence, Lacey. We'll do the same for you sometime.
ESPOSITO: (to Mary Beth) I'm sure Swanson sends his gratitude.
(Mary Beth just stands there as they walk away)

[Laceys' lounge]

(in the night, Mary Beth comes down. Harvey is sitting at the table with his business papers)
MARY BETH: Aren't you coming to bed?
HARVEY: I got work to do.
MARY BETH: Harvey.
HARVEY: Leave me alone, Mary Beth. You've done enough already.
(she goes back to bed)

[Outside Bud's Catering]

(Chris is trying the door. It's locked)
CHRISTINE: These guys keep banker's hours.
MARY BETH: I guess if you're dispensing hot hot dogs as fancy caterers, you can afford to.
CHRISTINE: All right! I can wait here all week to serve this warrant. Just to see the look on Thornton's face because it all went wild.
(they get in the Squad car)

[Squad car]

(they settle down to wait)
CHRISTINE: You can't blame Harvey for being upset.
MARY BETH: You think being protective is a bad thing?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, I just don't wanna see it happen to you and Harvey. ...Watching it happen...
MARY BETH: If you have a point to make, please make it.
CHRISTINE: You're driving a wedge between the two of you.
CHRISTINE: Chris, try to worry about the problems in your own relationship. That ought to keep you busy for a while.
CHRISTINE: Nice, Mary Beth. Real nice. What if Harvey kept you from going to work after you were shot?
MARY BETH: That there has nothing to do with this here.
CHRISTINE: It has everything to do with it! What if he prevented you from going? What if every time he was worried about you, he kept you from walking out the door?
MARY BETH: Hey, forgive me for trying to protect my own.
CHRISTINE: You're doing more than that. You know Harvey would never keep you from acting on your conditions. Or from being who you are.
(a silence descends)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Harvey in his undershirt has been wired)
HARVEY: (putting his head down towards his body mike) Harvey Lacey. Harvey Lacey.
(Corassa hears him on the receiver)
ESPOSITO: Ah, ah, ah. (he pushes Harvey's head up) Don't look down at you chest. I know it sounds stupid but it's easy to do without thinking.
CORASSA: Don't talk any louder. You might give it away. It's just fine.
HARVEY: (to Chris) And don't go swimming with bow-legged women, right?
(they laugh. Mary Beth is watching anxiously from a distance)
CHRISTINE: Grace under pressure.
ESPOSITO: Everything is gonna be fine.
CORASSA: You can get dressed.
HARVEY: Yes sir!
ISBECKI: (to Verna Dee) I was thinking about taking a little drive past Swanson's office tonight.
VERNA DEE: Good for you.
THORNTON: (coming up) How you feeling, Mr. Lacey?
HARVEY: Fine. Ready.
THORNTON: Had a word with Mary Beth?
HARVEY: Nothing to it. I used to work high steel.
THORNTON: Do you know the code for trouble?
HARVEY: Ah. Sure. The guys have gone over it a hundred times.
THORNTON: Good luck, Mr. Lacey.
HARVEY: Thank you.
THORNTON: (shaking Harvey's hand) Thank you.
HARVEY: Thank you.
THORNTON: Sergeant Cagney, you got a minute?
CHRISTINE: Yes Lieutenant.
THORNTON: Good work on the cart theft, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: (standing up) Ah! Well, thank you, Lieutenant. It's amazing what a little shoe leather and cop intuition can do.
THORNTON: Well, solving this case got you and Lacey a four-point-oh arrest.
CHRISTINE: Actually, Lieutenant, it's not complete yet. We figure that they've probably been running this ring all over Manhattan. Six other precincts.
MARY BETH: (coming up) Don't forget Philadelphia.
THORNTON: What about Philadelphia?
CHRISTINE: (she goes to sit down. Thornton stops her by holding her upper arm) Nothing important, Lieutenant.
THORNTON: I'd like to be the judge of that. I mean, overkill can be important.
CHRISTINE: Right. Well it seems that the perps planned on shipping the carts Philadelphia.
THORNTON: Regardless of what you might think, Sergeant Cagney, I am not a total idiot.
CHRISTINE: Oh, nobody's perfect, Lieutenant.
THORNTON: I'll see you in the morning, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: I'll be counting the hours, Lieutenant.

[Precinct House yard]

(Mary Beth is waiting as Harvey comes out)
ESPOSITO: Come on, Harve, let's blow this thing wide open.
HARVEY: I'm ready.
ESPOSITO: Thanks, Mary Beth.
CORASSA: Don't worry. he's in good hands.
MARY BETH: Sure. (as Esposito and Corassa go to a Squad car, Harvey comes up to Mary Beth) Be careful, Mr. Lacey.
HARVEY: I will, babe. I love you.
MARY BETH: Do you know, you just said to Manny and Al? (putting her mouth close to Harvey's ear away from the others) I love you.
(she goes back inside)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(it's a minute to seven o'clock in the evening)
MARY BETH: I was talking with Detective Monchak.
CHRISTINE: The one who comes in from Jackson Heights.
MARY BETH: (checking her watch) Yeah, almost. He was telling me about this Chinese restaurant around the corner. Down by the subway. I didn't even know it was there. I mean, I must have walked past it every day on my way to work. It's funny (she taps the clock) how something is right there and you never pay attention to it. You know, the Statue of Liberty, the World Trade Center. (looking at her watch) Empire State ain't what it used to be.
CHRISTINE: It's working.
CHRISTINE: Your watch. I'm sure it's working.
MARY BETH: (looking at her watch) Yeah. ...All the stakeouts we've been on. ...Leaving Harve, sitting at home, waiting. ...Gee, I don't know how he does it. ...Thanks for hanging in with me, Chris.
MARY BETH: Lieutenant Thornton's did the right thing, backing me up on this.
CHRISTINE: (as Mary Beth sits down beside Chris) Yeah. ...He's not the one I should be angry with. He just an ambitious pawn. ...The Old Boy network. ...That's why I didn't get the Lieutenant's spot. ...That's what happens. ...They think I can't handle myself.
MARY BETH: Well, we know different.
CHRISTINE: I may not get my own Squad.
MARY BETH: Yes you will, because you deserve it. And because you're smarter than the Old Boy network.
DAVID KEELER: Anybody order a pizza in here?
DAVID KEELER: I came a soon as I could. I thought you might want me to be here. How are you, Mary Beth? Any word yet?
MARY BETH: No, not yet.
DAVID KEELER: Well, we wait and together.
CHRISTINE: You, sweetie. (looking at the pizza box he has put in front of her) All the way from Brooklyn!!
DAVID KEELER: I was nearby anyway. Because it was yours and Charlie's favourite. Go on. Lets dig in!
MARY BETH: (back looking at the clock) Seven o'clock. Going down!
(it is now quarter past eight. Mary Beth comes back in and looks at the clock and checks her watch. Then she looks at Chris and David with the pizza. She paces around. The phone goes)
MARY BETH: (into phone) Detective Lacey, Fourteenth. ..No. No, ma'am. ...Er Detective Hernandes does not come on until midnight. ...OK.
(it is now eight minutes past nine)

[Ladies room]

(Mary Beth is sitting up between the hand basins. Chris comes in)
CHRISTINE: Why are you hiding in here.
MARY BETH: David still here?
CHRISTINE: Still looking lurking under the balcony.
MARY BETH: The way to a woman's heart. (as Chris sits down) He's a good catch, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Sure is a strong swimmer.
MARY BETH: Harvey and I were in this little pizza place when it hit me for the first time that I was in love with him. He looked at me ...over the candlelight and said ...'Another slice, babe?'. I know it doesn't sound like much, but the way he said it, I knew he loved me too. ...It was the first time he ever called me 'Babe'. ...And there was in his voice, this gentleness and passion. ...And they had a juke box, and you would not believe what started playing right then and there. "I Got You, Babe"!
CHRISTINE: Sonny and Cher!
MARY BETH: Yeah, and so that became our song. You know, we used to play it on the hi-fi and dance to it on our anniversary and stuff. ...Until Sonny and Cher broke up. That kind of took the romance out of it. ...When we first got married, we celebrated our anniversary every month. And we would dance to that song.
CHRISTINE: (as Mary Beth puts her hand through her hair) Don't do that to your hair! Have you got a brush?
CHRISTINE: (straightening Mary Beth's hair) Well, when Harvey gets here, we want him to look at you and say 'You look delicious, babe'. (looking in the mirror and pulling down her jumper) Hey, how do you keep looking so good? Huh?
MARY BETH: Do I know? (she giggles) Something's happened, I know it.
(she hears a police siren come into the yard and stop. She rushes out. Chris follows)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Harvey is there in a huddle with Esposito, Corassa and Isbecki. They are all sounding very happy. Chris pushes Mary Beth towards them)
HARVEY: ...he wanted to become my partner! he loved me!
CORASSA: (seeing Mary Beth) Harvey! Harvey! (to Mary Beth) It went like clockwork.
ESPOSITO: Yeah. They're booking him right now.
HARVEY: Miss me, babe?
(she goes up and embraces him and they kiss. The men all applaud. David comes up and puts his arm around Chris)

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