Greed
Original Airdate: November 16, 1987

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (coming in with Coleman) And with a special one-time only offer you can get any number of magazines half-price. How about it, Sergeant? "Police Gazette" It's tax-deductible.
COLEMAN: I've got my own problems. This tab is over a month old.
MARY BETH: Sergeant, I have not had a doughnut in eleven weeks and three days.
COLEMAN: Well, we owe over a hundred dollars here!
MARY BETH: I am trying to help my son with a bicycle.
COLEMAN: I would like to surf. Cough it up, Lacey!
MARY BETH: Isbecki is your perpetrator. Ask him.
COLEMAN: I asked him!
MARY BETH: Well, what did he say?
COLEMAN: Ask Cagney.
MARY BETH: Well, what did she say?
COLEMAN: Ask you!
MARY BETH: Which brings me to my point. How many magazines do you want?
CHRISTINE: (having come in with a doughnut and coffee) What magazines, Mary Beth?
MARY BETH: Michael is selling them to win a bicycle.
CHRISTINE: Great. Put me down for "Business Week".
COLEMAN: Hey, where did you get the doughnut?!
CHRISTINE: On the corner.
COLEMAN: Cagney!!
CHRISTINE: So we owe him more.
COLEMAN: I'm trying to collect here!!!
MARY BETH: Exactly. Now do you pay all at once or in three easy instalments? Have a "Surfer News".
VERNA DEE: (coming up) Do you sell "Show Business Weekly"?
MARY BETH: (leafing through a catalogue) I'm sure it's in here somewhere.
VERNA DEE: Good. I need a renewal.
MARY BETH: That's a dollar.
COLEMAN: What about my doughnut money?!
VERNA DEE: I'm not paying.
ISBECKI: (coming up with Corassa) Not paying what?
COLEMAN: Why not?!
VERNA DEE: Because, one, I barely even nibbled a doughnut and, two, (looking at his stomach) you've got the giveaway for what nibbles you take and, three, at my old Precinct, the Department paid.
ALL: What?!!!
MARY BETH: The Department paid!
CHRISTINE: For police?!
ISBECKI: In New York? For doughnuts?
VERNA DEE: Even the holes.
BERNICE: Cagney, Lacey, the Lieutenant wants to see you.

[Samuels' office]

CHRISTINE: "Luck 'n' Bucks"?
MARY BETH: My husband, Harvey, loves that show.
CHRISTINE: You've gotta be kidding!
MARY BETH: No the boys watch it whenever they're home sick.
CHRISTINE: Isn't this the one where they dress up weird and they jump up and down like crazy people?
MARY BETH: Yes.
FELDBERG: Everyone's a critic but the sorry fact is that we got a call form the talent coordinator, a guy named Stafford. He says it's sick.
MARY BETH: That's terrible!
SAMUELS: Do you remember "The Sixty-four Thousand Dollar Question"?
MARY BETH: That was terrible too, sir!
FELDBERG: What can I say? It's a dog-eat-dog world. Right? These kind of shows, the more the money goes out, the more the ratings go up.
SAMUELS: It's live, local and it's trying to go big time. It looks like someone is boosting it along.
CHRISTINE: I'm sure it is important to someone, Lieutenant, but are you sure this isn't this Bunko territory?
FELDBERG: Bunko's up to its armpits and the Wall Street Studio's in your Precinct. I emphasise, ladies, we wanted the best.
CHRISTINE: To do what?
FELDBERG: To go undercover.
MARY BETH: As what? Stagehands?
FELDBERG: No. Contestants.
MARY BETH: I saw one one time when they all dressed up like tyres!
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant, are you cannot be serious?
SAMUELS: Cover's Bently Foods. Fruit and vegetable wholesalers. Choose two more detectives. You're starting tomorrow.
CHRISTINE: Come on!!! Busting a game show?!! The only crime I see being committed here is a DA pandering to the press. What? Are you running for? Office, Feldberg?
SAMUELS: That's enough, Sergeant!
FELDBERG: Thank you, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: OK. Any questions? (the duo both goes to speak) No. good. Get out of here.
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
FELDBERG: (as Mary Beth goes out of the door) Listen, get me this ...and I owe you one.
CHRISTINE: (pointing at him) We're talking the National debt here, Feldberg.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (as they come out of Samuels' office] Christine, street crime is not the only thing in the world.
CHRISTINE: Says who?
MARY BETH: Jerome H. Skolnick. There's no streets for them to walk on, what do they do? They stay home. And maybe make a few cookies and they pin their hopes on winning a game show, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Couldn't they read a book?!
MARY BETH: This is important to some people, Christine. If the game show was crooked, who could they trust?
CHRISTINE: I thought for one minute you really believed that, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: I wonder if Harvey can give us some pointers on this. Now he used to watch this show all the time when he was off work. Maybe he could give us a crash course after dinner.
CHRISTINE: I'm sure I'm busy.
MARY BETH: This is an assignment, Christine. If we don't play the game, we don't get the bad guy.
MARY BETH: I hate you when you preach to me.
CHRISTINE: So who are we gonna get to team up with?
MARY BETH: I don't know, Sergeant. Who would you like to see jumping up and down as a fruitcake?
(they look across the office. Isbecki is at a filing cabinet with a drawer open. Esposito stands up under the drawer and gets ducks down)
ESPOSITO: Ow!!!
(Isbecki closes the drawer and Esposito now, standing up to his full height, butts Isbecki under the chin)
ISBECKI: Oo!!!
(the duo looks at one another)

[Laceys' dining room]

(Chris, Isbecki and Esposito are finishing their sweet with Marty Beth and Harvey. Isbecki is making a point to Esposito)
HARVEY: Hey, Victor! Victor! So I'm Robert B. Roberts. I'm the host, and I say 'What do you do at work, Victor?', so what do you say?
ISBECKI: I work in maintenance.
HARVEY: Bob. 'I work in maintenance, Bob'. Everybody smiles and calls him Bob at the end of each sentence. 'Fruit and vegetables, Bob' Always with a smile! Always with the I'm-glad-to-be-here look. 'Blah blah blah, Bob'. 'I like to swim in fish, Bob'. Do you see what I'm saying?
ISBECKI: Always 'Bob'.
HARVEY: Right! Exactly! And why? Because then you exude confidence. And confidence psyches out the other two. Confidence is good! Funny is good! (Esposito is making notes) Anything positive is good. And that way too, if the two buzzers go simultaneously, and the audience likes you, they're liking you will decide for Bob who gets the answer! Do you see what I'm saying?
ESPOSITO: Absolutely! (looking at his notebook) Confidence is good. Funny is good. Anything positive is good.
HARVEY: Oh, that's right. That's exactly right, Esposito.
CHRISTINE: Do you have to kiss this Roberts guy's...
ISBECKI: Come on, Cagney. Give us a break.
CHRISTINE: Give me a break, Victor. The guy is a sleaze ball! How do I kiss a guy with hair all over his ancient forehead!
ISBECKI: Hey, do wanna win or not?!
ESPOSITO: I think he's right, Sergeant. Besides I think the fix is gonna take place on the second day.
MARY BETH: I'm with Chris on this kissing business.
HARVEY: Mary Beth, in order to get to the second day, you've gotta win the first!
MARY BETH: What is your point, Harvey?
HARVEY: Oh, come on, so he's a little obnoxious, so he flirts a little, so he pats a little. (Mary Beth looks very prim) The point is you go with the flow! You go with the flow! You're not nervous! You're not nervous! You get a shot at it!
CHRISTINE: It's not a job, it's an adventure!
HARVEY: OK. All right. (taking a couple of coffee mugs) Here. This is them ...and this is you. Again, Victor, what is the first rule?
ISBECKI: Hit the buzzer first! Get the question!
HARVEY: Right!!! Right! And basically the rest of the game is trivia! The key is?
MARY BETH: Getting to the Big Board.
HARVEY: Because that's where?
MARY BETH: The big money is!!
HARVEY: Right!!! Exactly!!
ESPOSITO: Got it!
HARVEY: Everybody with me so far? Everybody got it?!
ISBECKI: You bet!
(all except Chris start shouting 'Bob! Bob! Bob!...' Chris looks round)

[Michael's bedroom]

(after the dinner guests have gone, Harvey is working on a table lamp)
HARVEY: Mary Beth, tomorrow you've gotta throw out whatever you learned in life up to this point, thrift, caution, decency, right out of the window because, if you wanna win, you've gotta really think you're playing for keeps, and be willing to gamble away every cent you have. Who was the chairman of the Watergate Committee?
MARY BETH: Judge Sam Ervin. (from a catalogue) Do you know, Michael, for another ten-fifty you can get a left-hand side burner?
HARVEY: You have to wanna win, babe, more than greed. OK, Mikey, plug her in.
MICHAEL: I want the bike, Mum.
HARVEY: (he realises the light has not come on) Desire, babe. Desire is the whole ball of wax.
MARY BETH: A bike is nice, Michael, but will you take a look at these other prizes here?
HARVEY: Resigned because he wouldn't fire Archibald Cox? (to Michael) Try it again. (the light still doesn't come on) Concentration, Mary Beth, is equal to success, babe. Think 'Win', babe! Think 'Win'.
MARY BETH: (still looking through the catalogue) I'm thinking. Oh, here, look at this. Washington DC. Two day guided tour. Historical landmarks. Live session of Congress. Two hundred and fifty subscriptions.
HARVEY: Congress waits for no one, Mary Beth. They'll get Richardson.
MARY BETH: Do you think they're gonna ask that type of question?
HARVEY: I don't know, Mary Beth, but they should.
MARY BETH: How come you didn't tell me about this Washington deal, Michael?
MICHAEL: Because I want a bike!
MARY BETH: Honey, if you can get a hundred and fifty subscriptions, you can get two hundred and fifty subscriptions. You're over halfway there already.
MICHAEL: I've only got seventy-eight.
MARY BETH: Then your father and I could sell more. Right, Harvey?
HARVEY: Official who finally fired Cox?
MARY BETH: Robert Bork. What about Richardson?
HARVEY: Hang I'm a boss not a newsstand. One more time, Mikey!!!
(the light comes on)
MARY BETH: Honey, this is the chance of a lifetime. Michael, this is the cradle of our democracy.
MICHAEL: I've been there.
MARY BETH: You were too young!
MICHAEL: Mum, the bikes got mag wheels.
HARVEY: Nixon's Supreme Court nominees laughed out of town.
MARY BETH: You can see the Jefferson Memorial?
HARVEY: I was thinking, Harve,
MICHAEL: Something's burning, Dad!
HARVEY: Huh?!
MARY BETH: Don't put your hand...
(Harvey touches the lamp and gets an electric shock)
HARVEY: Ha!!
MARY BETH: Are you hurt?

[Minibus]

ESPOSITO: (driving) Do you know Coleman's got a wager going as to whether Connie Vale's superstructure is home-grown or enhanced?
ISBECKI: I know. I'm gonna be the judge.
(Isbecki laughs)
ESPOSITO: What are you gonna base your ruling on?
ISBECKI: (turning to the duo in the back) On subway bumps.
MARY BETH: I can't believe this is happening.
CHRISTINE: Me neither.
ESPOSITO: You know, I've never been on TV before.
ISBECKI: (to the duo) Does my hair look funny to you?
CHRISTINE: Nothing more than usual. Look all we have to do is win today, all right. Teamwork. We kill off the competition and tomorrow we play each other. Then we catch the thief.
ESPOSITO: Is that all?
CHRISTINE: What are you worried about?
MARY BETH: Nothing.
ESPOSITO: Screwing up.
ISBECKI: Looking like a jerk.
MARY BETH: (singing) Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merri... What? I used to sing that with my kids when they were afraid of he dark. What?! ...(singing again) Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. (the others join in) Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream. (gesturing) A round now!
CHRISTINE/ISBECKI/ESPOSITO: (singing) Row, row, row your boat...
MARY BETH: (starting again and joining in) Row, row, row your boat...
ISBECKI: (starting again and joining in) Row, row, row your boat...

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set]

STAFFORD: Welcome to "Luck 'n' Bucks". I am Stafford and my job is to make you all stars.
(Isbecki slaps Stafford's clipboard down and shakes his hand)
CHRISTINE: (who is wearing large glasses, aside to Mary Beth) Do you think he's our inside man?
STAFFORD: OK! Now let's talk about energy. (to Mary Beth) Julie, you have just won ten thousand dollars. What do you do?!!
MARY BETH: Stage a getaway.
STAFFORD: No, no, no, that's just a little bit over the top. How about screaming and squealing? Can you do that?
MARY BETH: I can scream and squeal.
STAFFORD: Good, good, good. (turning to Chris) Now how about you? Bang!!! You've just won a new car. What do you do?!!
CHRISTINE: Don't tell me. Scream and squeal.
STAFFORD: You catch on real quick.
ISBECKI: Look. (grabbing Esposito's chin and turning his head slowly) Isn't that Connie Vale?
(a leggy blonde walks onto the set)
ESPOSITO: She's cute but she's still a sucker.
(Connie waves to them)
ISBECKI: I dreamed about her last night. We were riding this train together.
ESPOSITO: And you went into a tunnel. Right?
ISBECKI: How did you know?!
STAFFORD: Oh, this is for you.
(he presents a pot of flowers to Mary Beth)
MARY BETH: (looking at a card) Who they from?
STAFFORD: I don't know.
MARY BETH: (reading from the card) 'Don't let your ...avarice get the best of you'. That must be from Harvey. (to Chris) From Harvey.
CHRISTINE: Huh.
MARY BETH: Isn't that sweet?
CHRISTINE: Very thoughtful.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (from above) Stafford, get up here. Chop, chop.
STAFFORD: Huh! That is my master's voice. I must run up to the control room. OK, everybody, everybody, twenty minutes to show time. Chop, chop.
(Isbecki shakes Stafford's hand again)

[Corridor outside the dressing room]

(from inside the room)
CHRISTINE: I don't give in to him. I'm not going out there!
MARY BETH: Come on, Christine. It's not so bad.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, he's so drippy. They can sling us out. I don't care. I tell you, if there's a God in heaven, I'm not going out there!!
MARY BETH: OK, ready?
(the door opens. Mary Beth looks out. She is wearing a tomato costume. Chris follows in a pineapple costume. They have to squeeze through the door)

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set]

(the audience applauds.)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (wearing large glasses like Chris's) That's our first team, ladies and gentlemen! (the other team, Burger Whiz, are dressed in slice-of-cucumber, hotdog, hamburger and bottle-of-tomato ketchup costumes) Wicked, aren't they? Now let's meet the competition they'll be up against! Let's hear it for Bently ...Foods!!! (Esposito dances on in a bunch-of-grapes costume) I hope you have an excellent party, sir. (as Mary Beth appears) Oo! Miss. Tomato is definitely ripe! (Isbecki appears in a banana costume) Number three. That'll keep you out of the Army, sir. (as Chris appears) Oo ee! My kind of meat and I'm on a no diet. (taking Chris's hand) Hello, darling. (kissing it and making a meal of the kiss) And your name is?
CHRISTINE: Betty, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Betty Bob!
CHRISTINE: No, Betty comma Bob, (giving his hand a friendly pat) Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Just Betty. Just Betty! And the last name?
CHRISTINE: Gordon, Bob. Betty Gordon.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Betty Gordon. Well, you make a good-looking pineapple, Betty Gordon. (to the audience) Doesn't she folks?! Huh? (the audience claps and hollers and whistles) You're not married, are you, baby?
CHRISTINE: No, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (to the audience) Excuse me. (to Chris) Tell me, Betty, how would a randy guy like me find a left-field phone number like yours?
CHRISTINE: I give up, Bob. Where?
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Oo! My, my , my ...next case. Look at this. (to Isbecki) Who are you?
ISBECKI: Butch Wanochec, Bob. Maintenance and pest control!. ...Bob?
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Yes?
ISBECKI: Go on. I was just...
(he looks at Chris and pointing around, lost)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Fine. Have it your way. Tell me, Butch, what will you do if you win some of that big moon rock today?
ISBECKI: That's easy, Bob. Ask out Connie Vale!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Connie Vale!!!
(Connie pirouettes in a fairy costume with a wand. A tinselled star on a stick)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (in a high-pitched voice to Mary Beth as she twiddles her hands) Look who's over here. What's the matter, darling? Are you scared?
MARY BETH: Er, I er... I work in purchasing, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: How about that? And your name?
MARY BETH: In purchasing! I work in purchasing!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Ah ha. And... and what do you do there?
MARY BETH: Er, Julie Montague, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Tomatoes act that way from time to time. You have to understand her. (Mary Beth applauds with the audience. Moving to Esposito) Look who's here. Mr. Seedless Grapes!!! Mr. Seedless, what do you do?
ESPOSITO: (shaking Bob, hand) Clark Binoy, Bob. I keep the books!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Clark Binoy?! You are Clark Binoy? I heard he was here!! It's Clark Binoy!! He keeps the books!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Clark. May I call you Clark?
ESPOSITO: Please do, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Clark, ...frankly between you and I, do you cheat ...a little bit ...on those books?
ESPOSITO: Well, we call it creative ...bookkeeping!
(Esposito guffaws)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Creative bookkeeping! Are you ready to play "Luck 'n' Bucks"?!
ESPOSITO: Yes, Bob!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: How about it everybody? Do you think it's time to play?!!!
AUDIENCE: Yes, Bob!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: What are we playing for?!
AUDIENCE: Moon rock, Bob!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: And what's the name of the game?!!!
AUDIENCE: (and the gang) "Luck 'n' Bucks", Bob!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: All right!!!

[Laceys' lounge]

(Alice is sitting on her rocking horse watching the show with her father)
HARVEY: Take a load of Mummy. Alice, she's the one in red, baby. Come on, Mary Beth. Come on, sweetheart.

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set]

(applause dies away. Burger Whiz have scored one thousand, nine hundred)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: All right! Next one, for fifty. A coral reef surrounded...
CHRISTINE: (punching the buzzer) Archipelago, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Correct.(Bently Foods score clicks up to two hundred) He wrote poems and was one of Italy's first Fascists.
ISBECKI: (punching the buzzer) Mussolini, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: No, sorry. Burger Whiz for two hundred.
KETCHUP BOTTLE: Gabriele d'Annunzio, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Right you are! We muddle on. The subject is ...US Presidents. Who was the second Pre.. (Mary Beth punches the buzzer) Julie Montague! (no answer) Julie? ...Jul ...ie.
CHRISTINE: Come on, Julie!
(the time-out buzzer goes)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Sorry. Burger Whiz.
BEEFBURGER: John Adams, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Correct! You've got five correct answers, Burger Whiz, and a trip to the...
AUDIENCE: Big Board, Bob!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: But first ...this commercial message. Don't go away, dolls.
STAFFORD: OK. Two minutes. Two minutes. Hold your positions.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (coming up to Chris) Hey, love bunny, I meant what I said. I'll be cruising by any time you're musing by. Do you get my drift? Wink, wink.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I don't muse. Get mine? Wink, wink.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Ha, ha, ha. (going off) Excuse me.
CHRISTINE: (to Isbecki) I swear, if that guy slobbers over me one more time, there's gonna be nothing left of him but an oil slick.
ISBECKI: Let's face it, Betty, you're in love.
CHRISTINE: Watch it, Butch. You've already screwed up on Mussolini. Don't press your luck!
ISBECKI: (looking towards Connie) I've got something on my mind.
CHRISTINE: Just tell Coleman they're real.
ESPOSITO: Tell him your dream, Butch?
ISBECKI: He wants to snog with you, Betty. He jumped the buzzer.
CHRISTINE: I'm keeping myself out of the limelight, OK?!
MARY BETH: Christine, listen, I am so sorry about freezing back there.
CHRISTINE: All right. Forget it, Mary Beth, we'll get 'em on the next round. ...But go a little easy on the buzzer, OK?
MARY BETH: OK.

[Precinct House front desk]

(Basil is adjusting the aerial on a portable TV on the desk)
COLEMAN: (to Basil) Come on, let me! (he pushes the aerial towards Josie, the bag lady, who is standing at the desk) Josie! Josie, hold this! OK. With your other hand point to Sixth Avenue.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (on TV) How about it, everybody. Do you think we're ready to play?!

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set]

MARY BETH: Errol Flynn. "My Wicked, Wicked Ways".
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Right!! (the Bently Foods score clicks up to four thousand four hundred) Two hundred dollars. Well, well, well. Another one for Julie Montague.
MARY BETH: Next question, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: All right! The Tomato's warming up. It was a bird, painted black, to conceal its true value.
MARY BETH: (punching the buzzer) The Maltese Falcon, Bob!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Right again! (the Bently Foods score clicks up to four thousand six hundred) All right. A two-parter. This director, known for his slow motion violence, filmed a famous shoot-'em-up with Bill Holden.
CHRISTINE: (grabbing Isbecki's arm and pulling him down to mutter in his ear) Leave off! Lacey's on a roll.
MARY BETH: The director is Sam Peckinpah, Bob!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Right! And the name of that movie.
MARY BETH: "The Professionals", Bob!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: No, I'm sorry. Burger Whiz.
KETCHUP BOTTLE: "The Wild Bunch", Bob?
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: "The Wild Bunch" is correct!!!
ISBECKI: (to Chris) I knew that.
CHRISTINE: You should have pressed the buzzer.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: All right. A tough one. This troubled actor...
BEEFBURGER: Marlon Brando, Bob!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: No, I'm sorry. Bently Foods.
MARY BETH: (punches the buzzer) Mr. ...James Dean, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Correct!!
(the Bently Foods score clicks up to five thousand)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: That wins for Bently Foods, and a trip to the...
AUDIENCE: Big board, Bob!!!
(Connie waves from the Big Board)
CHRISTINE: OK. Nice going, Mary Beth. Any problems? ...No? We've gotta make this really count. OK?! Two letters.
MARY BETH: Harvey said, two vowels for starters. Remember?
CHRISTINE: Right! Which two.
MARY BETH: Oh, er, an E. And er...
ISBECKI: A G!
ESPOSITO: A vowel, Victor.
ISBECKI: G is for 'Good luck'.
CHRISTINE: Oh, will you calm down 'Butch'.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (butting in) Are you ...having problems, boys and girls?
CHRISTINE: Oh, everything's just groovy, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Fine, fine. Then time's up, Bently Foods. May I have your two letters, please?
CHRISTINE: We're gonna go with ...E, Bob.
ISBECKI: G, Bob!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: E and G. Sounds pretty good. (to Connie) Connie Vale. The first, the second and the fourth letters, please. (Connie points to the first space on the Big Board with her wand. A G appears. She points to the second space. An E appears. She points to the sixth space. An E appears in the fourth space. She realises and points back to the fourth space) All right!!! OK, gang. Do you wanna gamble or go for what's behind the curtain!!
CHRISTINE: We're gonna bet five thousand dollars, Bob.
(Isbecki hold his face)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: They're going for it!!! All right!! That gives you one more letter!
MARY BETH: (after quietly consulting the others) A Y. We wanna a Y. We wanna a Y, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: A Y! Connie, in the tenth space, please.
(there is a roll of drums. She points to the tenth space. A Y appears. There is the crash of a cymbal. The Bently Foods team celebrate)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Bently Foods, you have ten seconds.
MARY BETH: Is it 'Generosity', Bob?
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Yes. (as everybody celebrates, the T trying to comes down in the ninth slot, comes down halfway and starts to oscillate. Connie pushes it back out of sight with her hand) You've won ten thousand dollars. You now have just fifteen seconds to double that amount to twenty thousand dollars by guessing its opposite, a seven-letter word! (as the chimes click) Twenty thousand dollars. What is your answer. please?
MARY BETH: Is it 'Avarice', Bob?
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Yes!! 'Avarice' is correct!!!
ISBECKI/ESPOSITO: (giving each other high fives) We've won!!! We've won

[Dressing room]

(the duo comes back to their dressing room with Isbecki and Esposito)
MARY BETH: The clue was on the card.
CHRISTINE: Where?
MARY BETH: (pointing at the dressing table, realising that the flowers aren't there) The one sent I sent back with the flowers.
ISBECKI: Maybe they've been thrown away.
MARY BETH: Good, Victor. (Mary Beth closes the door) I think that my husband has sent me fresh cut flowers and the next logical thing is to throw them away. That's good detective work.
ESPOSITO: Will you get your mind out of the tunnel!
STAFFORD: (coming in without knocking) Great, kids!
CHRISTINE: Stafford, who else accesses this room?
STAFFORD: Nobody. It's locked. Are you guys on to something?
(Isbecki closes the door)
MARY BETH: Who brought you the flowers?
STAFFORD: What have I won?
CHRISTINE: We'd like to talk to 'em.
STAFFORD: Yeah. Sure. Oh, by the way, based on today's scoring, the teams for tomorrow will be ...Butch and Betty versus Julie and Clark!
ESPOSITO: (shaking Mary Beth's hand vigorously) Good!!!
STAFFORD: Good luck, guys. See you all.
(Stafford leaves)
ESPOSITO: I'll go check out the runners. Let's go, Mary Beth!
(Isbecki and Esposito leave)
MARY BETH: There'll be another clue tomorrow.
CHRISTINE: Well, whoever makes it to the Big Board, their partner will get it.
MARY BETH: Yeah, and break the case.
CHRISTINE: Don't worry, Mary Beth, once we have a collar...
MARY BETH: Yeah, I wish.
(Chris turns in her costume, trips and falls over. There is a crashing of bottles)

[Chris's loft]

(Chris is studying a book)
ISBECKI: (into phone) Because I had to work tonight. What about tomorrow night? ...Ah ha. ...Yeah. ...Well, Can't you get a babysitter? ...Oh, come on, Ginger, get serious! (to Chris after muffling the phone) She wants to take the kids with us to Coney island. Can you believe it?!
CHRISTINE: Victor, we've got work to do. Come on.
ISBECKI: (into phone) Well, look, it's not a place for kids! ...It's ...romantic. ...The roller coaster. ...You holding on to me. ...Ah ha. ...Yeah. ...Yeah.
CHRISTINE: Victor, I am serious! (pointing to an open book) I need to study.
ISBECKI: (muffling the phone again) Just a minute! I wanna get a word in. OK?
ISBECKI: (into phone) If you don't know what it is, honey, I'll tell you what it is. It's my knees. ...Your kids always come first. What about me? ...Yeah. Knees. That's what I said. (Chris stands up close to Isbecki and folds her arms. He continues into the phone) Ah ha. ...Look, ...I... I... I knew that. But...
CHRISTINE: (putting her hand over the mouthpiece) You apologise ...and you hang up ...and then we work. Now!!!
ISBECKI: (into phone) Ginger. ...Sweetheart. ...Love bunny. I have to go now. I...
(Chris grabs the receiver off him)
CHRISTINE: (into the phone) I apologise for Victor.
(she rings off and picks up a card)

[Laceys' kitchen]

(Harvey is about to empty a large saucepan of sauce into a container)
HARVEY: You better step back, Mary Beth. The green peppers are gonna splatter out of here any second.
MARY BETH: (shielding herself with a large mat) I don't know why you keep making that stuff, Harvey, we've got a freezer full of it.
HARVEY: Hey, when I saw you all red and juicy bouncing around on TV today, I just couldn't help myself. How was the library?
MARY BETH: Good. Manny is a quick learner. I think we'll do good tomorrow.
HARVEY: Well, you were sure cooking today. Right out of the pack and onto the plate. 'That's correct, Julie'. 'Right again, Julie'.
MARY BETH: Honey.
HARVEY: Yeah?
HARVEY: You'll have to talk to Michael for me.
HARVEY: Yeah?
MARY BETH: About this Washington thing.
HARVEY: (offering her a spoonful of sauce) Come on, give it a taste. ...Taste anything?
MARY BETH: Ah ha. ...I mean, it's so educational for him, Harvey. It could be inspiring! Any kid can get a bike. (having another taste) That's unusual, Harvey.
HARVEY: Cinnamon, I put cinnamon in it. It's what he wants, babe.
MARY BETH: Yeah, well we can help him have more. This Washington thing is the top prize, Harve. We'd stay at the Madison Hotel.
HARVEY: We?!
MARY BETH: Whoever. Michael and a parent or guardian. It's er, white gloves service they said. Personalised tour that you'd never forget.
HARVEY: Well, you'd better forget it. He doesn't have a prayer of getting that many subscriptions.
MARY BETH: That's a losing attitude, Harvey! Let's make this a winning experience.
HARVEY: Sweetheart!
MARY BETH: 'The winning is concentration'. You said that. 'Winning is desire'. You said that.
HARVEY: For a game, Mary Beth!
MARY BETH: Our son's future is certainly more important than any game, Harvey Lacey. Don't you forget it. And any man who would deny his son the sight of the Capitol dome glistening in the sunlight is certainly not the man that I fell in love with.
(Harvey throws the spoon in the container)

[Chris's loft/Laceys' hallway]

CHRISTINE: (into phone) Listen, Mary Beth, I've been thinking about the case.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Yeah, that's funny, so was I. The florist didn't pan out.
CHRISTINE: Right. I think we ought to run priors on the rest of the staff.
MARY BETH: All right, I'll get on to it first thing tomorrow. You can probably use the time for study.
CHRISTINE: Why? I'm college graduate.
MARY BETH: That's good, because your father never finished grade school.
CHRISTINE: Well I understand tomorrow that geography's up and we need to know a lot about Brazil.
MARY BETH: Is that so?
CHRISTINE: Absolutely. Any country with a B.
MARY BETH: Well, I heard it was science tomorrow. You know Manny Esposito. He's a wizz with computers.
CHRISTINE: So, I had an art form once.
MARY BETH: I have to say, Christine, I really feel up for it. I feel terrific.
CHRISTINE: Me too! In fact I've never felt better. Listen, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Yeah?
CHRISTINE: About tomorrow. I really just wanna say, 'Good...'.
MARY BETH: Good luck to you too, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. sure.
(they ring off)
CHRISTINE: This is war.

[Detectives' Squad room]

BASIL: Who defended Dreyfus.
MARY BETH: The French one or...
BASIL: The French one.
CHRISTINE: (thumping her desk) Zola, Emile Zola.
BASIL: Bingo! Who said 'It's a far, far better thing that I do...
MARY BETH: (thumping her desk) Ronald Coleman! Er, the real one. I don't know it.
CHRISTINE: It's not...
SAMUELS: (coming in with Corassa and Verna Dee who have files) Listen up. I've got some news on Connie Vale. She cheated ...on a Miss. Wheat Germ beauty contest. And a couple of vice encounters. Etc., etc., etc. Keep an eye on her. And Corassa and Jordan got some additional information for you lucky contestants. Tell us about it, Al!
CORASSA: Welcome to the game show. (putting a hand over one ear) Robert B. Roberts, alias Henry Gallup, alias Lawrence Pagella. Has long patronised with various nightclub and underworld types. Most recent crime, unpaid parking ticket!
SAMUELS: In other words, he's ...fly but he's clean. (to Verna Dee) OK. What is this.
VERNA DEE: Ivanic Stafford. Former actor. Used to smuggle vanloads of untaxed cigarettes into New York City from Florida. Strictly small-time.
SAMUELS: All right, my hunch is that Stafford wants the credit when we make the bust. Impress his superiors. Get a raise. OK. That's it for now. I've got a Division meeting. Oh, one more thing, you two fruit and vegetables. I don't want you out there having a good time!
CHRISTINE: No problem.
SAMUELS: Remember, this is a police investigation. I expect you back here tomorrow with a collar. No excuses.
COLEMAN: (coming up to Corassa and Verna Dee) I've got twenty bucks on the Pineapple and Banana Face. What'll it be?
CORASSA: Sixty on the Grapes and Tomato.
COLEMAN: Sixty?
VERNA DEE: What's the betting on Grapes and Tomato?
COLEMAN: Even Steven.
VERNA DEE: I don't bet but I'll put sixty on the yellow peril.
CORASSA: Make it seventy on the seedless.
VERNA DEE: I think they're gonna squeeze them and ferment them!
CHRISTINE: I'll just remind you that we have to work together on this.
MARY BETH: Absolutely, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: United we stand, divided we fall.
MARY BETH: Absolutely!
CHRISTINE: A house divided against itself cannot stand.
MARY BETH: Abraham Lincoln.
CHRISTINE: Matthew twelve, verse twenty-five. Lincoln quoted the Bible.
MARY BETH: Save it for the game, Chris. OK?
CHRISTINE: Sure.
MARY BETH: (shouting out as she gets her coat) Sergeant Coleman! (getting out her bill fold) Put er, twenty-five dollars on me and Esposito to win.
(after Mary Beth has left Chris punches her right fist into he left palm)

[Dressing room]

(Isbecki and Esposito are in with the duo. They are all in their costumes)
ISBECKI: The crutch in this costume is pinching me. It was made for pint-sized men.
CHRISTINE: It's pinching your brain, Isbecki.
MARY BETH: How's your costume, Chris
CHRISTINE: It's just fine.
ISBECKI: I can't think when I'm in company.
CHRISTINE: Do you know, we have a case here. Now does anybody have anything? A clue. A hunch. An answer.
MARY BETH: I know the capital of Paraguay.
CHRISTINE: Anything else?
ESPOSITO: It should be nice if we got a chance to keep the money.
ISBECKI: I know what I'd do with my share.
MARY BETH: So does everybody else, Victor.
ISBECKI: I'd get massages, naked massages in mysterious places, ...all over the world.
CHRISTINE: Does love bunny get the girl?
ESPOSITO: I'd put half in savings and the other half I'd just give to charity.
ISBECKI: Oh, sure, yeah, me too. I'd give some to charity.
CHRISTINE: I don't think that the Home for Wayward Cowgirls is tax deductible.

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set]

(the audience is applauding)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Julie, Julie, Julie! You sweet thing, you. (he takes her hand and kisses it) Tell me, how does it feel to wanna stab your colleagues in the back?
MARY BETH: It feels great, Bob.
(the audience applauds)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: That's what we like, folks. Homicidal contestants! (going over to Chris) Hey, what have we here? My secret love, Betty Gordon. (kissing her hand) Hello doll. How's tricks? (Chris says nothing) Hey, I don't think she liked that, gang. That right, Betty? Thirty-six and never been kissed.
CHRISTINE: Let's just say that ...I worry about communicable diseases. OK, Bob?
(there are boos from the audience)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (to the audience) That's all right, I can take it. Ha, ha, ha. (he then makes to cough and wheeze and takes out a handkerchief and wipes his lips) So what about it, gang? Do you think it's time to play?
AUDIENCE: Yeah, Bob!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: And what's the name of the game again!
AUDIENCE: "Luck 'n' Bucks", Bob!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: All right!!!

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Bernice, Corassa, Coleman, Verna Dee and Basil are gathered round the TV. Samuels is looking from his office)
CORASSA: Come on, Manny, think!
(Esposito answers)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (on TV) Right.
(the five holler and whoop)
SAMUELS: (coming out of his office) What's going on?! Nobody got any work to do?
(Samuels asks Coleman a question)
COLEMAN: Lacey and Esposito are getting it right.
VERNA DEE: Billy the Kid, Victor, Billy the Kid! (on TV Victor answers the question) No!! no!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (on TV) Correct.
SAMUELS: (to Coleman) Put twenty on Cagney and Isbecki.

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set]

ROBERT B. ROBERTS: She had her first starring role at seventeen, She was red hair...
MARY BETH: (punching the buzzer) Maureen O'Hara in "Jamaica Inn"!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Right.
MARY BETH: (joining the applause and cheering) Yeah!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: An historical figure who had bad skin and had to bathe...
CHRISTINE: (punching the buzzer) Baroque!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Right!

[Detectives' Squad room]

VERNA DEE: Cagney's coming in on the outside!
BASIL: Yeah! I never doubted her.
COLEMAN: Put your money where your mouth is, Basil.
BERNICE: (handing Coleman a dollar bill) I'll bet five on Esposito.
(two other detectives have joined the crowd. They agree a private bet. Samuels is standing looking over everybody's shoulders)

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set]

ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Who knitted while Paris burned? (both buzzers go) Julie?
MARY BETH: Madame Defarge.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Correct! Who fiddled while Rome burned?
CHRISTINE: (punching the buzzer) Nero!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Give that lady a silver dollar! Who fiddle-dee-deed while Atlanta burned?
MARY BETH: (punching the buzzer) Scarlett O'Hara!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Right!! Who sighed while Chicago burned?
CHRISTINE: (punching the buzzer) Mrs. O'Leary!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Correct! For two hundred dollars! For Betty and Butch a big cigar and a trip to the...
AUDIENCE: Big Board, Bob!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: All right!!!

[Detectives' Squad room]

(there is a large crowd now gathered around the TV. They applaud)

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set]

(there is already a G in the first place and an E in the eighth place)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Connie Vale. The third, fourth and seventh letters, please. (L's comes down in each of the nominated places) You now have just ten seconds to answer correctly and it's twenty-five thousand dollars. (Chris whispers to Isbecki) Some deep breathing. Heavy concentration. And may I have your answer, please.
CHRISTINE: The word is 'Gullible', Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: That's right!!
(cheers and applause. A roll of drums and a cymbal crash. Mary Beth claps. Connie jumps up and down)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: All right, just like yesterday, you now have fifteen seconds to double that amount to fifty thousand dollars by guessing the opposite of 'Gullible'. A nine-letter word, beginning ...now!
(Robert B. Roberts picks a prompt card up from his stand and shows the back to Chris just enough to reveal the word 'Sagacious' scrawled by magic marker on the back of it) All right, gang, time's up! What is your answer, please?
CHRISTINE: (walking over to Robert B. Roberts) The answer is (showing her shield to the audience by pulling up a flap on her pineapple costume) 'This is a bust, Bob!'.
AUDIENCE: Oh!!!
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Wrong!!
CHRISTINE: (turning so he can see the shield) Police! Freeze! Nobody moves!
(Connie scampers behind the Big Board)
ESPOSITO: (to Isbecki) Go after her.
(Connie peers out)
MARY BETH: Police everybody. Stay calm now.
STAFFORD: Cut! Cut for the commercial!
CHRISTINE: (grabbing the card off the stand and showing the back to Mary Beth) It was on the card.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: I don't know anything about that! I get those cards from Terry, the stage manager.
(Terry raises a magic marker to let them know who he is)
MARY BETH: (going across) OK, Terry, don't do anything stupid now! Don't answer. (to Isbecki and Esposito who have followed her) Take care of this guy.
ESPOSITO: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
MARY BETH: (as Chris gives her the card) Yeah, could be the answer.
CHRISTINE: The word was 'Sagacious'.
MARY BETH: Sure. You looked at the card.
CHRISTINE: Hey! I cheat?!
MARY BETH: Spell it.
CHRISTINE: Sagacious. S, A, G, A, C, I, O, U, S. Sagacious.
MARY BETH: You looked at he card.
(Mary Beth walks away with the card)

[Detectives' Squad room}

MARY BETH: (following Coleman in) Sergeant Cagney says you're obsessed with your suspicions.
COLEMAN: I told you before, your kid does not get a dime until you cough up with for the doughnuts.
MARY BETH: But I do not eat doughnuts.
COLEMAN: Then I do not read the "Police Gazette".
MARY BETH: All right, Sergeant, fine. (going to her handbag) But I am only doing this because my child deserves to visit the seat of our democracy. (she gives him a dollar bill) The root of fair play and integrity.
CORASSA: Official decision, my foot!!
VERNA DEE: There's nothing worse than a sore loser!
CORASSA: I wanna talk to Coleman about his decision.
VERNA DEE: A sore loser!
COLEMAN: All right, hang on.
VERNA DEE: I tried to persuade him but he wouldn't...
COLEMAN: Quiet everyone! Cagney and Isbecki were ahead when they made the collar. They're declared the official winners.
MARY BETH: Well, we never even finished the game!
CORASSA: That's what I was saying to her!
COLEMAN: The bookie's decision is final! (Mary Beth rips the bill back out of his hand) Hey!
MARY BETH: Sing for your dollar!
CHRISTINE: (as Mary Beth gets to their desks) Come on, Mary Beth, we're going out.
MARY BETH: Do we have a destination?
CHRISTINE: He's already been released.
MARY BETH: Who?
CHRISTINE: Terry. The big time criminal with the magic marker.
MARY BETH: The stage manager?
CHRISTINE: Right!! One hundred dollars and a trip to the Big Board! Guess who bailed him out?
MARY BETH: Robert B. Roberts?
CHRISTINE: (clenching her fist) Bam!!!
MARY BETH: Looks like we've been had.
CHRISTINE: So was the entire metropolitan area.
MARY BETH: Wrong, Christine. Harve's cousin, Marie, called from Jersey. We've been humiliated Tri-State.

[Feldberg's office}

FELDBERG: (as Mary Beth hands him back a framed citation) Ladies, I enjoyed the show. I even had a sudden craving for upside-down cake. (putting the hammer down which he used to put a hook in the wall on which hang the frame) Oh, and Cagney, by the way, yellow ...definitely your colour. (hanging the frame on the hook) But as far as I'm concerned, the case is closed.
CHRISTINE: Feldberg, you've been set up.
FELDBERG: Sorry. We cut our losses, lick our wounds and that's it.
CHRISTINE: We've just got off the horn. The studio's been on the phone since five o'clock last night.
MARY BETH: At approximately nine AM this morning, Robert B. Roberts closed a million-dollar syndication deal.
FELDBERG: Meaning what?
CHRISTINE: Meaning this whole scandal was arranged! It's some giant TV and newspaper ad! We've been... We've been duped and then we've been exploited!
FELDBERG: Look, save it for your producer, Cagney. The law is the law. And it can't be used to avenge the type of hurt feelings one usually has after a steamy night in a Chevy. Now if you don't mind...
CHRISTINE: Wait a minute! Now scandal breeds interest. Right?
MARY BETH: Just like political intrigue.
CHRISTINE: Your soaps for example. "Dallas". "Knots Landing". (to Mary Beth when she stares at her) I've had a lot of time on my hands these days.
FELDBERG: (pointing to the citation) How does that look?
CHRISTINE: Like you got it in the mail!
MARY BETH: Mr. Feldberg, it looks like a citation bestowed on a man who owes us one.
CHRISTINE: And we noticed that your face finally got splashed on the front pages as a result of the trial. Nice.
FELDBERG: Oh, did you see that? Look. Look, even if you're right, conspiracy is very hard to prove. There's nothing I can do.
CHRISTINE: We were fruits for you!
FELDBERG: And you were good fruits. Look, you did your job. OK? You got the stage manager. We'll keep an eye on Stafford. OK?!
MARY BETH: Saying it was only the stage manager and Stafford is like saying it was only North and Poindexter.
FELDBERG: Read my lips. the answer is 'No'. If there's anything further on this, we'll ferret it out but for now the City of New York ...is finished.
(as they leave, Mary Beth hits the citation frame and makes it swings on it's hook)

[Corridor outside Feldberg's office}

(Chris goes and kicks the wall and turns back to Mary Beth who prevents her storming back into Feldberg's office)
CHRISTINE: Damn it!!! I hate to lose. We used to play Jacks in the second-grade and whenever I lost, I'd just go nuts!
MARY BETH: They hooked us. They played us for suckers.
CHRISTINE: Do you know what the worst kind of losing is? (shouting towards Feldberg's office) It's when you really think you won and you didn't!!!
MARY BETH: Why is always about winning and losing? What ever happened to good, honest decadence? And doing something for fun.
CHRISTINE: When you win you get to keep all the Jacks.

[Squad car]

(Chris is eating hot dog)
MARY BETH: Fantasy. Grabbing at the brass ring. Wanting something for nothing. That's the appeal, Christine.
CHRISTINE: It's like going to Washington when your mother and father's sold all the magazines.
(Mary Beth keeps eyeing Chris's hot dog)
MARY BETH: He would really like to go.
CHRISTINE: Is that what Michael told you?
MARY BETH: He liked it when he went before. Are you saying he only wants the bike?
CHRISTINE: I'm not saying anything.
MARY BETH: Ah ha.
(Mary Beth grabs the half-eaten hot dog from Chris and finishes it)
CHRISTINE: (about to start on another hot dog) Do you know what I used to do when I'd lose at Jacks?
MARY BETH: Scream and holler and swear and beat the other kids?
CHRISTINE: I'd demand a rematch!

[Studio control gallery]

STAFFORD: (coming in with the duo) Er... They insisted on seeing you.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (to Stafford) Leave us alone.
STAFFORD: You've got ten minutes to show time, Bo...
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: I said 'alone' (to another crew member) You too. Well, well, well, my two favourite fruits. Nice to see you out of uniform. What do you want?
MARY BETH: Mr. Roberts, we realise... We know we can't touch you officially. Look, (going and sitting on the desk right next to him) we wanna know how we were outsmarted ...as women. Do you understand?
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: I'm not about to say anything to incriminate myself. What do you take me for?
CHRISTINE: Is that a trick question?
MARY BETH: Come on, Bob, you've got the syndication show. You're a big hotshot now. What have you got to lose?
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (to Chris) You know, I still owe you for that crack you made.
CHRISTINE: Hey, I was undercover.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Ah, it was an act! Smart. The audience loved it. You should see the mail, ...Betty.
CHRISTINE: I thought the antagonism between the two of us would help your show. When I thought about the people who had fought to get on it.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Do tell us.
CHRISTINE: I realised what it was about you when I first met you.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: I'm waiting. I've probably heard it before.
CHRISTINE: You tell him, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: It's charisma, ...Bob. (she knocks a mike and handles it and realises it isn't switched on) Oh, sorry. She told me ...you had a most ...incredible charisma. Ha.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: I said 'I'd heard it before'.
CHRISTINE: Why do you think women love you? Why do you think they dream about being on your show? And dream about being kissed by you.
MARY BETH: She's right, Bob.
(Mary Beth has eased away from Roberts towards a switch labelled Stage Speakers. Chris realises what she is doing)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (staring into Chris's eyes) It's not just my good looks, darling. It's power. That's the ultimate aphrodisiac.

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set

(the audience for the show can hear him. there is a hubbub)

[Studio control gallery]

CHRISTINE: Guess what? It's you sexy smile too.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (as Chris goes and sits on the desk near the mike) Right, sweet thing. That's what. But I'll be damned if I let a bunch of dumb couch potatoes glued to their TVs ruin my career with mediocre ratings.
CHRISTINE: (looking at him sweetly) You've got it all. I think you're terrific.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Gotta leave you now. (tweaking his bow tie) It's ..show time.
CHRISTINE: Er, wait a minute. Let us understand or what. Is it like a war?
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: A war? You know, only the big guys win. Those peons out there worship the ground I walk on.

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set]

(the audience can still hear him. They are getting restless. They begin to shout derisively)

[Studio control gallery]

ROBERT B. ROBERTS: They're hungry. I provide the manna from heaven.
CHRISTINE: You've know what it takes, that's for sure.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: Look at the papers. They want scandal. I give it to 'em. That's how you win. You keep on top, no matter what it takes. I sell great lies, and if it's a lie I'm selling, it's a lie they're buying, ...darling.
(he is just about to try and kiss Chris when Stafford comes in)
STAFFORD: Bob, are aware, your voice is being heard by the audience.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (he can hear booing through the door) What?!!
STAFFORD: The stage mike. It's on!
CHRISTINE: You're kidding!
MARY BETH: (as Roberts comes to check the switch) I'm sure the peons will understand, Bob.
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (pushing Stafford as he rushes out of the door) Out of my way!

["Luck 'n' Bucks" set]

(Connie Vale is by the Big Board with three disgruntled contestants)
ROBERT B. ROBERTS: (rushing in) Oh. Hey, hey, hey! Come on, folks! It was just a joke! (as the audience leaves) Come on, you all can take a joke can't you?! Huh?!!! Hey guys, It's the time to play! Huh? What are we playing for?! What's the name of the game?!!! Huh?! (the audience continues to leave) Huh?!! Huh?!!! Huh?

[Studio control gallery]

(the duo have watched him on the monitor)
CHRISTINE: (starting to sing) Row, row, row your boat...
MARY BETH: (singing) Row, row, row your boat...
CHRISTINE/MARY BETH: (singing together) Merrily, merrily, merrily...

<Back to the episode listing

Cagney & Lacey and related marks are trademarks of Metro Goldwyn Meyer. Copyright 1981, Present. The Cagney & Lacey web pages on this site are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.