Video Vérité
Original Airdate: November 9, 1987

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (into phone) Uh huh. ...No which? ...No whi...? What is it? Brigit, you told me you took care of those things. ...OK. OK, just stay put, all right? Just for a while. ...I've got plenty of dollars in the bank. ...Ah ha. (Chris coughs) ...Yes, I'm taking plenty of vitamins. ...Yeah. ...OK, I'll see you soon. Bye. (she slams down the phone) Would you believe it? She took a gypsy cab from the airport.
MARY BETH: (who has a handkerchief to her nose) I'm sure your niece ...can take care of herself, Christine. Harve Jr.'s been riding the subway since he was thirteen years old.
CHRISTINE: He grew up here, Mary Beth. Brigit is a walking orange juice commercial.
BERNICE: (coming up to Josie the bag lady, who is at the coffee table, and taking a bun from her) Josie, refreshments are for staff only.
CHRISTINE: What that you're taking?
MARY BETH: It's a decongestant. Do you want one? (handing Chris the bottle) Maybe Brigit grew in the last two years.
CHRISTINE: Grew? You mean as in 'matured'? She's a Cagney, Mary Beth. Change does not come easily.
MARY BETH: But it'll come, Christine. Sooner or later it does come.
CHRISTINE: Your boys like the excitement.
MARY BETH: At that age they're all they're just a little hyper.
CHRISTINE: (handing the bottle back) I think I'll stick with aspirin to clear this. Does that stuff work?
MARY BETH: Oh, I don't know. I'm not sweating as much as I was. (holding up what she's eating) I think it's the anchovy sandwiches. The magic of fish oil. (Chris looks horrified as Mary Beth munches) My mother swore by this.
(Coleman comes in with Isbecki holding up a sheet of paper)
COLEMAN: ... for a month!
ISBECKI: (grabbing a sheet from him) I could be a role model for millions. Just like the Edsel.
ESPOSITO: (grabbing the sheet) Oh, get out of town! That model went out with the hula hoop, my friend. This time it's gonna be a little less racial, all right. Somebody with a little more ethnic flavour.
ISBECKI: Give me that here. (grabbing the sheet back) Move over GI Joe, a new peacekeeping hero's about to be born
COLEMAN: Yeah? When you guys are finished fantasising, do you wanna put that up on the board please?
ESPOSITO: (as Coleman leaves) Triple gut's a little jealous.
COLEMAN: I heard that, Captain Socko.
CHRISTINE: (turning to the others) Another detective committee seminar?
CORASSA: No, no, the company's gonna make a doll based on New York's Finest.
CHRISTINE: Finest what?
ISBECKI: (handing her the sheet) Every precinct gets a nominated candidate to be the model.
CORASSA: And the winning person goes to Toronto to see "Night Heat" filming.
MARY BETH: Oh, that's a great programme. (to Verna Dee who has come up for a coffee) Last year's winner was a in championship baseball movie.
CHRISTINE: What position did he play?
MARY BETH: (as Verna Dee takes the sheet from her) A right-fielder and equipment manager. The coach was a Uniform out of Two-Eight. She was sensational.
ISBECKI: (making a batting motion) I used to be a six-ball champ. Am I a natural for this or not?
CORASSA: Perfect.
ISBECKI: Handsome. Strong. (pulling himself up to full height beside Esposito) Tall.
VERNA DEE: And humble. (there is a general chuckle. She hands the sheet to Corassa) I hope it's a secret ballot.
CHRISTINE: Why don't they just put uniforms on tanned Barbie girls and let us worry about solving crime.
ESPOSITO: (taking the sheet) Oh, Serge, that flu has twisted your mind. Look, this is a chance to contribute to the emotional development of our youth. Now, what could be more important than that?
(Esposito gives the sheet back to Corassa)
CHRISTINE: Oh, spare me, Esposito, there wouldn't be a cash deal for the winner, would there?
(Basil has come up behind Corassa and grabbed the sheet from him)
BASIL: Personal appearance.
(Mary Beth wags a knowing finger to Chris)
CORASSA: Really?
(Basil puts the sheet on the board)
BASIL: (to Isbecki) You aren't interested in this are you?
BASIL: (as he goes off) I guess they may want an older man.
CHRISTINE: That's the bell! End of the round.
(there is a commotion outside. Coleman comes in leading two men by their elbows)
GUS DESCARFO: ...that thing that you call a brain. We're finished. We're dead. We're terminal potatoes.
PERRY DESCARFO: You think I can't beat the pants off you.
GUS DESCARFO: What, with that thing you call a brain!
COLEMAN: (shouting between them as they continue to row) Sergeant Cagney! Detective Lacey! (to the two men) Hang on! Hey, I'm talking here!! (to the duo) I'd like to introduce you to Gus and Perry DeScarfo reporting theft of property. I wish you luck. (to the two men) Continue.
PERRY DESCARFO: You should have put plate glass in the window.
GUS DESCARFO: Where's the video?
(they continue to argue)
CHRISTINE: (throwing a chair down behind them next to Mary Beth's visitor chair) Hey! Hey!!
MARY BETH: Was there something, fellas?
PERRY DESCARFO: Yeah, my music video, "Hot Dog". (Gus slaps him) Our video,...
PERRY DESCARFO: ...that I directed, was taken from our club some time last night.
CHRISTINE: You two have a nightclub?
GUS DESCARFO: "Hot Meat"! You know, down in Soho.
MARY BETH: Ah ha. And you also make music videos?
PERRY DESCARFO: Our house band is hot. I put 'em on tape. They recorded with Brown Joe last week. He was hot.
GUS DESCARFO: Yeah! Strike while the iron is hot.
PERRY DESCARFO: The point is, the video has gone.
GUS DESCARFO: Yeah, and if we don't get it back before the premiere next week, the record company'll go bonkers.
PERRY DESCARFO: We'll have to go back to being...
(Gus puts his arm round Perry to console him)
CHRISTINE: I think destiny calls.

[Hot Meat Club]

(the duo comes in. Mick Solomon is at the bar)
MARY BETH: (to Solomon) Not exactly your own lab.
(there is an illuminated poster of a woman in a full bathing costume on the wall)
CHRISTINE: This incredible. This is amazing. Christine, just this morning I'm taking a shower.
MARY BETH: (going to the bar and leaving them to it) Good news, Solomon.
SOLOMON: (putting his arms around Chris) Come here, come here, come here. A minute of your time. We need to talk art.
CHRISTINE: Are you into collecting little dogs on black velvet?
SOLOMON: The water is pulsating on my head. Little jets are pressing against my lids. Tiny red and yellow flashes are flying all over the place. Then, suddenly!!! All the colours gel, Christine. Your abdomen. An impressionist landscape.
CHRISTINE: Are you doing personal drug testing?
SOLOMON: Good news. I've entered us in the fourth annual Rochester Yoga and Body Painting Exhibition.
CHRISTINE: Do you know there's only one cure, it's sedatives. Now, Mick,...
MARY BETH: (to Solomon) What do we have here, Detective?
SOLOMON: Me!! Laying flat out on my back!!! Like Michelangelo. You!! Arched over me!!! Like the Sistine Chapel!
(Solomon guffaws and snorts)
CHRISTINE: I wouldn't let you paint my apartment.
(Chris walks away)
MARY BETH: There must be a reason that we're all here, Detective Solomon.
SOLOMON: (to Chris) My screen work is spectacular.
MARY BETH: Are you still drawing a pay check from the Department?
SOLOMON: All right. Come here, come here, come here, come here, come here. (as he walks away, Chris follows him. He puts an arms around her again) To be honest. To be honest. You're the one with the spectacular trimmings.
(Mary Beth rattles a glass swizzle stick in a glass like the bell for the end of a round)
MARY BETH: The job, Solomon, while you still have it!
SOLOMON: Oh! Yeah. There's a broken window in the alleyway. That's (Chris gives him an elbow in the ribs to make him release her. He notices a woman go over to the window and start cleaning it) the way that they got in. Mrs. DeScarfo!!! Don't do that!!
MRS. DESCARFO: Would you like your house looking like this? Dirty fingerprints everywhere.
SOLOMON: (taking the cloth from her) It's evidence, Mrs. D. This is a police investigation, darling. (to the duo) She's already swept up the broken glass in front of the window.
MRS. DESCARFO: Somebody could get hurt! Where do you think you are? The Bronx!!
MARY BETH: Mrs. DeScarfo, are your sons back yet?
MRS. DESCARFO: I haven't seen them. But who would recognise them now. Butchers look like men. They wear aprons with blood on them!! These days you look at guy's hair, they look like er...
(she looks at Solomon)
CHRISTINE: Sonny and Cher.
MRS. DESCARFO: Right. The other one, Perry...
MARY BETH: He seems like a very nice person.
MRS. DESCARFO: He dresses like an underwear salesman! (Chris has a coughs or three) No dairy products. Makes phlegm.
SOLOMON: (to the duo) Er, there's a guy that you might want to talk to in here. Rick Hawk, from the record company.
MARY BETH: Thank you, Detective Solomon.
(Mary Beth moves off)
SOLOMON: (stopping Chris as she has another cough) Plenty of fluid. Remember Rochester, Christine. I use only the finest acrylics.
CHRISTINE: (as she follows Mary Beth) Mm. Do you know something? (indicating her abdomen) With all the toning I've done. Body paint? I really don't cut it.

[Hot Meat Club office]

MARY BETH: Mr. Hawk, what exactly is your connection with the DeScarfo brothers, please.
RICK HAWK: Rick. Rick. They made this murder ballad video for my record label "Prentice Records".
MARY BETH: Murder ballad? Is that a type of music?
RICK HAWK: Yeah. Sort of bebop with homicidal undertones. Anyway the DeScarfo clowns put the thing together.
CHRISTINE: Are you saying that these two know what they're doing?
RICK HAWK: Hey, listen, between the two of them they don't have the talent of a lamppost. Do you know what I'm talking about?
CHRISTINE: Does the theft of this video affect your contract?
RICK HAWK: Oh, come on! A be, a bob, a be, a bop. We're talking about a chain reaction here. No hot coffees. No welcome here for me. These guys are out for eighty grand.
MARY BETH: So everybody loses? (as Mary Beth goes to sneeze, Chris puts her finger under Mary Beth nose) Oh, thank you.
RICK HAWK: Hey, you look terrible. Try a little vegetable soup with a whole clove of garlic.
MARY BETH: Oh, thank you. What is your ...loss here?
RICK HAWK: Well, the butcher moguls put up the bread, but I get the final make on the video.
MARY BETH: So there's a related profit in it for you?
RICK HAWK: How would you like to spend two days wading through piles of video dross? (Chris sneezes. Mary Beth gives her a tissue) How contagious are you two?
CHRISTINE: Let me get this straight. It's a lousy tape but you wanna go after it?
RICK HAWK: Tiny Tim made somebody very rich.

[Squad car]

(Mary Beth is driving)
CHRISTINE: Angry record company. Suspicious loan op. Rival club owners. The DeScarfos have more enemies than they've meat.
MARY BETH: There has to be something in the music business. Payola.
CHRISTINE: Music today is dumb. Are we going the right way?
MARY BETH: Yeah, there's a drug store round here somewhere. I've gotta get a cold cure Christine. What's our music? The music on our alarm clock? Iron Butterfly? It's not what my mother liked.
CHRISTINE: Your mother had taste.
MARY BETH: You are growing middleaged, Christine. If you wanna talk with Brigit, you better open your ears first. I suggest you start with U2.
CHRISTINE: You two what?
MARY BETH: U2. It's a group. (Chris gives her a blank look) They're very good. They make videos. They're very good. Don't you ever watch MTV?
CHRISTINE: What that male, adolescent Tennessee stuff?
MARY BETH: Well, I don't watch it as much since we had the kids I do like male, adolescent boy bands.
CHRISTINE: I still like Johnny Mathis.

[Laceys' kitchen]

HARVEY: Anyway, Mary Beth, I told Bart he's gotta run for Assemblyman. Community action is the thing. Getting the potholes fixed. Putting up the stop signs. Keeping the hydrants open for the kids in the summer.
MARY BETH: (preparing an anchovy sandwich) You ought to run for the Assembly, Harve.
HARVEY: Mary Beth, you've gotta stop with the anchovy.
(the boys come in)
MICHAEL: Smells fishy in here.
HARVEY: Bart's the one who's hungry. He's the one that's gotta convince the movers and shakers down at the Democratic Club. Me, Mary Beth, I am just along for the ride.
HARVEY JR.: Yeah, typical armchair Liberal.
HARVEY: What's that supposed to mean?
HARVEY JR.: You criticise the President all day long. Could you run the country better?
HARVEY: Oh, and he's running it so great now?
MARY BETH: (to Harvey Jr.) Did you bring that trash down from upstairs?
HARVEY JR.: Well, at least he's got guts. Look at Grenada. That's taking care of issues.
HARVEY: The world affairs expert.
MARY BETH: He ought to run for President, Harvey.
HARVEY: First he's gotta know what he's talking about.
HARVEY JR.: Dad, you see I can't talk to you. It's like Mum with the ERA.
MARY BETH: What about the ERA?
HARVEY: Go ahead, Harvey.
HARVEY JR.: It's not gonna pass because nobody supports it. Women don't wanna go into the army and share public bathrooms with men.
MARY BETH: It's nothing to do with the army. (showing it around) Anchovy sandwich. The Equal Rights Amendment is to ensure the majority of American citizens equal protection under the law. And we are ...fifty-two percent.
HARVEY JR.: I'll get the trash.
MARY BETH: And the reason that it hasn't been passed yet (following Harvey Jr. out) is because it has been blocked by mostly male, State legislators in spite of the fact that popular support is overwhelming!
(the door slams. Harvey smiles at Michael)

[Chris's loft]

(Chris comes in with Brigit)
BRIGIT CAGNEY: That cabbie was so young but so old. He thinks he knows so much.
CHRISTINE: Well he didn't know where Broome Street was.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Raphael says that the soul of New York throbs in every true artist and artists are in every walk of life.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: My acting teacher. Oh, that's really why I'm here. I've come to New York because I want to get into it.
CHRISTINE: I thought you already were.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Once I get into it, Raphael says I should get involved in off-Broadway theatre.
CHRISTINE: Is this a new game plan? I thought you said that the drama department at Stanford was fantastic.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Everybody out there just wants to do TV. That's why Raphael removed to Arizona to discover himself.
CHRISTINE: Well, he sounds like a man who has his head on his shoulders. (pointing to a can she has just got out of the fridge) Do you want a diet root beer?
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Yeah! (Chris gives her the can and goes to get another one) It's more than that, Aunt Chris. I think when meet him you'll see why he reminds me of Grandpa.
CHRISTINE: What, Charlie?
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Do you remember those stories you told me about Grandpa teaching you all about New York and real life? Do you remember?
CHRISTINE: Yeah, well I might have dressed that up a little, Brigit.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Raphael has sent me searching for life beyond middle class. You know, the life that Grandpa showed you when you were a girl.
CHRISTINE: It had its moments. Are you sure you know how to get around?
BRIGIT CAGNEY: He was sincere. He had an Irish torq.
CHRISTINE: (coming round to sit by Brigit) Do you know, one time we were on Coney Island and they were closing down the Ferris wheel? It was late, and Charlie talked them into running it just one more time. We were the only two people on the Wonder Wheel. ...Yeah.

[Hot Meat Club]

(Chris is at the bandstand where the drummer is assembling his drum set)
CHRISTINE: Are you a drummer or a student?
DRUMMER: Take you pick. Science, no different from medicine. They are practitioners and quacks. This combo's blotto.
CHRISTINE: How come I can understand what you're saying?
DRUMMER: I traded in my MBA for this drum set. Harvard in style. Now I have an earring. My brother has an ulcer.
CHRISTINE: What keeps you here?
DRUMMER: Contract I didn't bother to read.
CHRISTINE: Ground down by the butchers? Is that it?
DRUMMER: Drumsticks and all.
(Mary Beth is at a table with a woman)
KITTEN: I was discovered by Perry DeScarfo.
MARY BETH: While you were singing with this other band?
KITTEN: While I was checking coats at Jack's Club. Perry said I inspired his first video. He said he liked my hair.
MARY BETH: Miss. ...Kitten, who do you think would want to steal this video?
KITTEN: I don't know. I do pick a bummer. My entire career. My whole future is on that tape. (seeing Mary Beth writing in her memo book) Oh, there's no 'Miss.'. It's just one name. Kitten, Madonna.
MARY BETH: Sure. Well, er, Kitten, this... this video seems pretty important.
KITTEN: It is. It's not I haven't had another offer. There's this guy in Omaha wants me to open a whole string of cafes for him. Didn't know I was a singer!
MARY BETH: Is there anyone else involved in your career? An agent or a manager.
KITTEN: No. No one but Perry, Gus ...and the Good Lord.
DRUMMER: If that video has disappeared off the face of the Earth, I'd be free to get back to music.
CHRISTINE: An obvious question comes to mind.
DRUMMER: Not guilty. I moonlighted in town. And after ten PM, Thursday, I spent the rest of the night preparing Barney, the King of Rock for his audit.
CHRISTINE: I assume Barney can bear this out?
DRUMMER: Unless he flunks his audit.
CHRISTINE: Could I have the King's address, please.
(the drummer nods. Mary Beth comes up)
MARY BETH: What have you got?
CHRISTINE: My ears are ringing. How about you?
MARY BETH: My congestion is back.
MRS. DESCARFO: (at the bar with the brothers) I don't care. We are not touching the college money!
PERRY DESCARFO: Ma! We're both over thirty and Perry doesn't have a high school diploma yet.
MRS. DESCARFO: It's never too late. Remember what your dear, dead father used to say. A smart butcher is a better butcher.
GUS DESCARFO: Ma, we're out of the meat business.
PERRY DESCARFO: Yeah, not for long if you don't get a better class of people in here.
GUS DESCARFO: The Bridge and Tunnel crowd! Get off!!
(the duo comes up)
CHRISTINE: Bridge and Tunnel crowd?
PERRY DESCARFO: Yeah, you know, the kids from Jersey, Long Island. They dance, they laugh, they party. They just don't stay.
GUS DESCARFO: He's right. It's probably cheaper to go down the street. You seen them?! Look like they come from a bowling alley in Pittsburgh.
CHRISTINE: Could we tame this for a moment and get back to the burglary?
GUS DESCARFO: Hey, why you still here? We gave you all the facts. In the meantime bootleg copies are out there. They'll be flooding the market!
MARY BETH: That is being investigated by our Bootleg Unit, Mr. DeScarfo? Meanwhile we need an employee's list and we need a list of your suppliers.
MRS. DESCARFO: (pointing) Perry.
PERRY DESCARFO: Gussie who does the paperwork.
GUS DESCARFO: Yeah. (as he goes off) Gussie does everything.
PERRY DESCARFO: Oh yeah. 'Does everything'.
GUS DESCARFO: Does everything.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (into phone) The DeScarfos, Marilyn. ...Club Meat. ...No!!! I just have a couple more questions. ...All right, I'll hold.
ESPOSITO: Yeah, Mary Beth, there's so-called club seasons. Now let's say, The Dead Pelican for example. It's a beautiful place. It's a Ukrainian bar. As a matter of fact, the bartender they brought over from the old country, right? No matter what kind of drink he serves, it's still got an egg in.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth, indicating that she is holding on the call) Just nodding to the Queen of the Scene.
MARY BETH: Do you know Club Meat?
ESPOSITO: Club ...Beat?
MARY BETH: No! Meat. M, E, A, T.
ESPOSITO: Oh, yeah, Club Meat.
ESPOSITO: Oh yeah. The brothers, the butchers.
ESPOSITO: Now ...they thought it was about having a house band. But if they would have stayed butchers it would have worked. Instead they went flash and, (snapping his fingers) they have a diner.
MARY BETH: No, they're still a music club.
ESPOSITO: Nah, nah. Only to DeScarfos.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Marilyn! (Esposito looks up) Yeah, I'm right here. ...Yeah, I'm holding. Right. ...The DeScarfos. ...The DeScarfos. Capital DE, Capital S. Er, ...thank you.
(she rings off)
CHRISTINE: According to LaMarr's Magazine, and I quote The Baroness. 'Club Meat, last year's pewk. The DeScarfos, if the music business is an Irish Wolfhound, there's a flea!'.
MARY BETH: Chris, I listen to their style. I can hear what they're trying to do. Kitten is sort of an Annie Lennox imitation. Do you, know, the band just tries to keep up, but they don't have it. It's not like Eurythmics or even ...The Pretenders with Chrissie Hynde. It's more like Wham with a female lead.
MARY BETH: If you live with teenagers you learn to speak the language.
CHRISTINE: Well, I don't know about the ballads, I just know from the people I've talked to, they think the DeScarfos are a yawn and they don't want the missing video.
MARY BETH: Well why would anybody want it?
CHRISTINE: I think what is happening to the butcher-boys is amazing. Like a bookie or a loan shark.
ESPOSITO: Somebody's using the video for leverage.
(Daniels comes in with Coleman and shouts across the room)
DANIELS: All right, gentlemen! Officers! ...Gentlemen, may I have your attention, please! ...Gentlemen,...
COLEMAN: All right, listen up!
DANIELS: Thank you, Sergeant. (holding a locked cashbox) Well, this is it. The official officer Ivy ballot box and Ballot.
DANIELS: ...tomorrow at noon. I don't want you to forget, there are thousands of young boys out there waiting to model themselves on the man that you will elect. (Chris emits a loud, false cough. There is silence. Daniels hesitates) Competition is stiff. Indeed, Keynes, the Department boxing champ, seems to be the man to beat. (Chris leaps up) Especially since his nose job. Ha, ha, ha. (he looks round) All right. (Chris is sitting on her desk with her arms folded. She coughs again. To Chris) You know a little honey and crushed cinnamon juice will clear that one right up.
CHRISTINE: (following Daniels having coughed again) Do you know there are female officers in the Department, Mr. Daniels?
DANIELS: I'm aware of that.
CHRISTINE: There are a thousand young girls out there waiting to model themselves after the woman that we elect.
DANIELS: Are you making a point?
CHRISTINE: Yeah. We got a sexual discrimination case going on here.
DANIELS: Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: And a major lawsuit going on against the polling company (looking around the room) and probably all of the Department!
DANIELS: Sergeant. Then we'll have to make your name.
CHRISTINE: Nonsense!!! You butt out, Daniels.
DANIELS: Cagney. You can do it, Cagney
DANIELS: Nominate a man and a woman from this Precinct and we'll let the polling company decide.
CHRISTINE: (having thought) Not good enough.
DANIELS: I'll make it Department-wide, OK? I'll draft a directive. I'll get on it right away.
CHRISTINE: Good idea! (as Daniels goes out, Solomon comes in. Chris sees him. To Mary Beth) Looks like we've got work.
SOLOMON: Well, I can tell you what kind of cleaner Mrs. DeScarfo uses on her walls and her windows and that's about it. How are you doing, Lacey?
MARY BETH: (taking the report he hands to her) Detective Solomon, is that all there is to it?
SOLOMON: Right! You've just heard it. But, Christine, I've got something to show you.
CHRISTINE: What is it?
SOLOMON: I have been doing the preliminary sketches for (doing a shimmy) the Body Painting Exhibition, and you have got to reconsider.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) Do I ask for this?
SOLOMON: (opening up his sketchbook in front of her) This is from my 'Great Moments in American History' period. Lee and Grant at Appomattox.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, a great victory.
SOLOMON: Do you notice Grant's beard?
CHRISTINE: (handing him the sketchbook back) You're a genuine pervert.
(Solomon guffaws and snorts and shows Mary Beth, who laughs briefly)
BASIL: (coming up) Cagney, your niece is on line four.


(Chris comes in and finds Brigit at the bar)
CHRISTINE: Right. Sorry I'm late.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Hi, Aunt Chris.
TERRY: (the bartender) Well, hello there.
CHRISTINE: Hi ya, Terry.
TERRY: I thought the City had swallowed you up.
CHRISTINE: How are ya?
CHRISTINE: The place hasn't been the same without a Cagney around here.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Terry's been telling me these great stories about Grandpa.
CHRISTINE: That's terrific.
TERRY: What'll it be, Chris?
CHRISTINE: An orange juice on the rocks. ...To resist the cold. (to Brigit) Let's sit over here.
CHRISTINE: Great. (opening an envelope after they've sat down) Oh, listen, I brought you a souvenir. Perry DeScarfo. (putting a promotion photo on the table) Right there. That case I'm working on. The one I told you, with the missing video.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Oh yeah! Thanks! I love this place. Just being here, I feel closer to him.
CHRISTINE: Oh. (her drink arrives) Thank you. Look Brigit, things aren't always what they seem.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Raphael always says that.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: I know, let's shoot pool tonight.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Good. The key to my audition is to be in touch ...and involved. And food is the real soul of New York. I've already eaten myself across half of Manhattan.
CHRISTINE: So you are in touch?
BRIGIT CAGNEY: (laughing) The food here is so ...eclectic. Fresh oysters on South Street. Cannoli and Italian ices on Grand. And then I caught a subway up to 42nd Street...
CHRISTINE: You ate in Times Square?!
BRIGIT CAGNEY: No. I went to the Library.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: And that was Charlie's penchant, I believe. I've got so much background for that audition, I'll blow them out of their seats!
CHRISTINE: You sound very confident.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Now what's that you always said? 'You only live life once, but if you do it right, once is enough'.
CHRISTINE: That's what I always say. But I'm not sure that it applies.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Well, the point is, the culture here ,,,is alive. California is dead. I mean, look what it did to my Dad.
CHRISTINE: That's not true, Brigit. I mean, he's... he's a little different, your father. But he's... he's still a... a Cagney. And he cares for this family. And when I needed him most, he was here. Right in this room. Just over there, we were. Your Daddy gave me the most important advice I've ever gotten.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Of course. It was here, wasn't it?
CHRISTINE: What? Sorry.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Charlie's wake, it was right here. ...Life. ...Death. (Brigit reaches out her hand) ...Our history. (Chris takes Brigit's hand) It's all around us.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(pointing to the computer screen which Basil is polishing)
COLEMAN: Esposito, you don't have a chance. The numbers don't lie.
ESPOSITO: (pulling Coleman back) Wait! Wait a minute. Let's close the book. Let's make a deal, all right? For you, Coleman, I am offering lunch at the legendary Bouley's, huh? And for you, Basil, a date with my cousin who's got legs (indicating his neck) up to here.
COLEMAN: Forget it, Basil, I've met him. Hey, my talent is not for sale. A vote is a sacred trust, especially on the two-hundredth anniversary of the Constitution.
ISBECKI: (coming up) I've managed that. (putting the book into Coleman's hand) Here's your book of car wash tickets.
ESPOSITO: (taking the book) My uncle does a hand wash followed by a virgin chammy wipe down.
BASIL: Sounds interesting.
ISBECKI: Hey forget that! I gave you my jacket!
ESPOSITO: Oh, forget that! I don't want anybody to make up their minds until I've had a chance to present my final offer. (Isbecki takes the book back and leaves with Coleman) Basil?!
(Basil gives Esposito the polishing cloth and gets up and leaves)

[Locker room]

(Chris is gargling in front of her locker)
MARY BETH: Christine, have you got a tiss...? ...Please. (Chris grabs a box and gives it to Mary Beth, still with her head up. Mary Beth rips out the last tissue and holds it to her nose) At this rate we'll going through three a day.
CHRISTINE: Oh, please let tomorrow be better.
MARY BETH: I felt the same way when my sister died.
CHRISTINE: I guess nobody feels better than old man DeScarfo.
MARY BETH: (binning the empty tissue box) Oh, by the way, partner, nice going today. That was a great number you did on Daniels.
CHRISTINE: Oh thanks! I thought so too. Do you wanna be a girl candidate?
MARY BETH: Amazing! Your face staring out of every toy store window in the City.
CHRISTINE: That's not such a bad idea. Girls should be role models too, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Imagine Alice playing with a dolly of her own mother.
(she laughs. They go home)

[Harvey Jr.'s bedroom]

(a row is in progress)
HARVEY JR.: If more citizens supported our leaders, we wouldn't have this mess in Central America!
HARVEY: Harvey, we are not talking video games or monster movies here. We do not settle every problem by going to war.
HARVEY JR.: Would Oliver North back down from a fight?!
HARVEY: Oh, no, no! (pointing to a poster of Oliver North on the wall) Not if he could trade his way out of it!
HARVEY JR.: He was a soldier following orders.
HARVEY: What did they teach you in history class?!!
HARVEY JR.: He cut through the red tape!
HARVEY: A regular man of action!!! Yeah! Harvey, you talk things out! You work things out! It's what you call diplomacy!
HARVEY JR.: Well, at least I believe in my country!
HARVEY: Hey, don't wave a flag in my face. I wore that uniform for real. I love this country too.
HARVEY JR.: Well then why don't you support it?!! Do you know how close Nicaragua is to Texas?!
HARVEY: Did somebody drop you on your head when you were a baby?!!!
(there is a knock at the door)
MARY BETH: (coming in) Dinner's ready. Is that what we did?


(Chris and Brigit are playing pool)
CHRISTINE: When both balls are on the rail like that, there's only one thing to do. Charlie taught me this. (the blue 2-ball and the white cue ball are both on the cushion between the middle pocket and the one at one end of the table. Chris perches on the side of the table and puts the cue behind her) A very tricky manoeuvre, you'll see. All in the wrists. Nice and easy.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: (when the blue ball doesn't go in the end pocket) Nice try, Aunt Chris. Maybe too much wrist.
CHRISTINE: Well, you're not supposed sink the 2-ball, you know, unless leave the cue ball safe. Charlie, taught me that too.
(Chris sneezes as Brigit takes her shot causing Brigit to flinch)
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Aunt Chris, I feel it all around me. Enveloping me.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: The Irishness. My own grandfather, Irish verse flowing from his lips. Able to drink anybody under the table!
CHRISTINE: Sit. I wanna make this shot.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: (as Chris lines up the shot, Brigit gets poetic ) Proud beats my Irish heart. Tell me about Grandpa's dark side. Every poet has a dark side.
CHRISTINE: Charlie had many moods.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: He was a storyteller. (as Chris takes the shot and misses) A man of the people.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. Charlie told a lot of stories. Your shot.
(Brigit takes her shot and a ball goes down)

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (into phone) And that name was Bernie, was it? ...Thank you very much, Mr. DeScarfo.
(she rings off)
CHRISTINE: I'm glad you speak their language.
MARY BETH: Gus DeScarfo says that there is no spare tape. There are no film out-takes and they never take any clips. He said their father was the same way when he made sausages.
CHRISTINE: The butchers didn't have any pets.
MARY BETH: It's a Bernie Woodsey. He's a rock and roll collector or something.
CHRISTINE: Well, we don't have anything else. It might be worth a look. Are you breathing through your nose?
MARY BETH: Oh, no, you're right. I guess the anchovies must have kicked in.
(Mary Beth puts her coat on)
COLEMAN: All right, everyone, listen up! We have the result of the Precinct Doll Competition.
VERNA DEE: I can hardly stand the excitement.
COLEMAN: Due to an eleventh-hour decision by Detective Esposito to withdraw from the competition, and throw his votes over to Isbecki, the overwhelming winner is Detective Victor Isbecki!! (Isbecki leaps up, other officers shake his hand and everybody applauds apart from Chris) And in the women's division...
ISBECKI: What?!!!
COLEMAN: ...we have a rising candidate, and the winner is ...Sergeant Christine Cagney!!!
(more applause)
MARY BETH: Well, you got two votes. You can be sure of that much.
(Mary Beth gets Chris's coat)
ISBECKI: (comes up) How could you do this, Cagney. You'll split the vote, you'll ruin it for both of us.
CHRISTINE: Do you wanna back out, Victor?
ESPOSITO: (rushing up with a cowboy jacket on) Hey Victor, congratulations, Come on, I'll let you buy me lunch! (as he rushes Isbecki out) Now has anybody talked you about the merchandising that I've got at stake?
CHRISTINE: (stands open-mouthed) That's Victor's jacket!!!
MARY BETH: Like a snake with legs.
CHRISTINE: That little weasel, he bought him off!
MARY BETH: How about the doughnut you bought me yesterday?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, fifty cents is not a bribe!

[Bernie's apartment]

BERNIE: (with an umbrella) This was Mick's from the film awards. Can't get no satisfaction from this one, huh?
CHRISTINE: Well, you have ..stills in your archives here.
BERNIE: Right. (he goes to piles of archives) No! Crosby, Nash ... and Young. No Stills.
MARY BETH: Mr. Woodsey, we're looking for any still photographs taken for Perry DeScarfo when making his missing video.
BERNIE: "Hot Dog"! Why didn't you say so? (opening a cabinet) Right here.
(he gives Chris a pile of photos)
CHRISTINE: (flicking through them) I have a hunch this is it.
BERNIE: Yeah, well, you can never have too much assistance, you know. Especially if they don't find that video.
MARY BETH: Mr. Woodsey, a tape like that could be valuable to a collector like yourself, could it?
BERNIE: I was only in that joint long enough to shoot and squirt. Now I've got alibis if you need them.
CHRISTINE: Well it would make an addition to your collection, wouldn't it?
BERNIE: Look, I collect, I don't steal. There's a difference.
CHRISTINE: Ah! We'll be taking these down to the station, all right?
BERNIE: Now cooperation is my middle name, but do you know the value of what you've got there?
MARY BETH: No sir. What is it?
BERNIE: Well, these things are determined by supply ...and demand.
CHRISTINE: Well, we'd be happy to give you a receipt for your property, Mr. Woodsey.
BERNIE: How about you come up with a decision? Make it a straight transaction.
CHRISTINE: How about we issue a warrant to hold this as evidence for a long, long time?
BERNIE: That's W, double O, D, S, E, Y.
MARY BETH: (coming up with a photo she's found) This is Noreen Dixon. Is this expensive?
BERNIE: It's Paulette Goddard.
MARY BETH: No. No, no. That's Noreen Dixon in "Grand Destiny" or "All My Tomorrows".
BERNIE: Are you sure that's not Paulette Goddard?
MARY BETH: Positive.
BERNIE: How about five bucks?
CHRISTINE: (as she writes the receipt for the photos) How about fifty cents?
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) My treat.
MARY BETH: Thank you.

[Manhattan street]

MARY BETH: (showing Chris the fifty cent photo) So this would have to be something in a scene from "The Scarlet Widow". Do you remember when she had to cut her hair short so that she could heighten her vital power?
CHRISTINE: I missed that one.
MARY BETH: I loved that one! She was so glamorous, and yet so vulnerable. Oh, nice legs, baby. I'm missing fantasy.
CHRISTINE: Right now I'm into heavy reality.
MARY BETH: There's nothing wrong with a little fantasy, Christine.
CHRISTINE: It's like talking to a brick wall, Mary Beth. I've got a niece who's dragging me through the heather. She's into her Irish roots.
MARY BETH: She admires you, Chris. More young people should appreciate their parents.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. Well, right now Brian's been pushing for rigorous honesty and I'm hanging out with rigorous fantasy.
MARY BETH: It doesn't matter what you tell the kids. They get their own ideas anyhow.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you don't understand. She thinks that Charlie and me were blessed with the shamrock. If I told her the truth it would break her heart.
MARY BETH: No, Chris, you have gotta come right out and tell them what you feel.
MARY BETH: You don't wanna beat around the bush, you know. She has a right to know what you think.
CHRISTINE: You're right.
MARY BETH: Anyway it probably won't make any difference. What it comes down to, Chris, is the minute that TV and cookies don't work anymore, you've lost the game. They're bigger. They look right at you, and they don't care. They eat out. They stay out. Do they care about the furniture? No!
MARY BETH: This way you're trying to get a water stain off your brand new American early table.
CHRISTINE: So what did you do?
MARY BETH: Remember, never, ever talk politics in the house.
(Chris looks bemused)

[Laceys' lounge]

HARVEY: I come home from a very stimulating meeting at the Democratic Club, Mary Beth. I even enjoyed it. And then... And then the killer, Mary Beth. I'm gonna strangle him with my bare hands.
MARY BETH: Harvey!! Honey, What? Did something happen at the meeting.
HARVEY: No, it was fine. How was your class tonight? Ground root business is where it starts, Mary Beth. You've gotta view global issues on a local level. What you do with today's garbage affects tomorrow's ozone level. Maybe it's the sugar.
MARY BETH: Harvey, let me get you a nice glass of cold water.
HARVEY: Too much of it, Mary Beth! You remember that guy in San Francisco?
HARVEY: Maybe the kid is on a sugar high.
MARY BETH: What kid? Harvey Jr.? Where did he do now? What is going on?
HARVEY: I got home tonight and our kid, the freedom fighter. He's holding his brother's hand over a burning candle.
MARY BETH: Any blood?! Is Michael OK?!!!
HARVEY: (as Mary Beth rushes to find Michael, Harvey restrains her) Mary Beth! Michael is fine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's fine. It is me who's sweating. A heart attack. Harvey said he is testing his brother's manhood.
MARY BETH: That's not sugar, Harve, that's criminal. That's crazy!! That kid is grounded. (going to the bottom of the stairs and shouting) Hermann! (to Harvey) Too much!!!
HARVEY: Hold it, Mary Beth. Grounded here?! In this house?!! With us?!!!
(Mary Beth sits on the stairs and gestures she doesn't know what to do)

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (showing Chris a photo) Will you look at this? The guy in the cowboy suit. That's looks like Isbecki.
CHRISTINE: (Chris is on the phone. She looks askance at Mary Beth) The whole crowd looks of them looks guilty to me. I hate listening to my own phone message! (into phone) Ah ha, Brigit, I hope I didn't miss you. I just wanted to call and say 'Break a leg and call me when you get back to let me know how it went' Good luck. (she rings off) I've just passed the night listening to a monologue from "Shadow of a Gunman".
MARY BETH: I did that same thing with Michael. When he was in "Tom Sawyer". He didn't have a lot of lines, but that kid is a natural, Christine.
CHRISTINE: This is a little different.
ISBECKI: (coming up) Well, Cagney, this is the big day. My acceptance speech is going to be short and to the point.
CHRISTINE: A belch does not qualify as public speaking!
ISBECKI: Are you jealous about the doll or the cover picture in the Department magazine?
CHRISTINE: How do you know about that?!
ISBECKI: From Marquette. He's the DLEA's liaison to the supply company. He's gonna help handle the final choice.
CHRISTINE: Since when did you get so chummy with Marquette?
ISBECKI: Since the P and P night social. We had a couple of drinks together last night. See you around.
MARY BETH: Didn't Sergeant Rainey do some organising for the P and P sub-committee?
CHRISTINE: Not a bad idea. (she dials. Into phone) Yeah, Sergeant Sharon Rainey, please. ...All right, I'll hold. (to Mary Beth) We'll get the old-girl network working on this.
MARY BETH: All is fair in love and manufacturing.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) What?! ...No. All right. Have her call Sergeant Cagney at the Fourteenth. ...Yes, she's got the number.
MARY BETH: Careful what you wish for, Christine. You win that contest, you'll have all those sweaty little hands pointing at you. (showing another photo to Chris) Look at that. The little one.
CHRISTINE: What, the girl in the burka?
MARY BETH: That's not a burka, that's a snood. Look in the background.
CHRISTINE: That's DeScarfo.
CHRISTINE: He's holding a bag full of white powder.

[Hot Meat Club]

MARY BETH: Do you recognise this picture, Gus?
GUS DESCARFO: (taking the photo from Mary Beth) Yeah! That's from our music video "Hot Dog".
CHRISTINE: Yeah! You photograph well. So does the little bag of goodies you've got in your hand.
MARY BETH: You stole that tape to hide that evidence.
PERRY DESCARFO: You should have known. That kook took dope, you dope!
GUS DESCARFO: Who are you calling a dope, Gus? This stuff wasn't real.
MRS. DESCARFO: (coming up) It wasn't real. What do you mean 'It wasn't real?'.
GUS DESCARFO: (taking a bag of white powder from under the bar) Look, it's only sweetener. I put it in to jazz up the visual.
PERRY DESCARFO: What do you know about visual? (Chris grabs the bag) You couldn't even lay out cold cuts on the display.
MRS. DESCARFO: Then I did it for nothing?!
MARY BETH: You stole the tape?!
MRS. DESCARFO: I thought Gussie had a drug problem, so I burnt the tape.
CHRISTINE: Hey, wait a minute. Calm down. Calm...
(Mrs. DeScarfo is crying)
PERRY DESCARFO: You destroyed my work for him?! You always loved him more, Ma!
PERRY DESCARFO: Oh yeah?! How come Momma had to write your name on the contracts?
(Chris is tasting the powder)
PERRY DESCARFO: Why? Because Ma loves me. You had that stupid little passer-by hanging on.
GUS DESCARFO: (to the duo) Oh yeah! Who carried his bags until he was in third-grade?!
MRS. DESCARFO: Am I going to go to jail?
PERRY DESCARFO: What about me, Ma? You destroyed my whole future!
MARY BETH: You don't talk to your mother that way!
PERRY DESCARFO: It was you. It's you. You destroyed our dreams.
GUS DESCARFO: I wanted a pet shop.
(Chris throws the bag of powder back on the bar. As they turn to leave, the brothers begin to fight)
CHRISTINE: Are we gonna take this to DA Feldberg?
MARY BETH: Are you planning on early retirement?
(as the duo leaves, Mrs. DeScarfo is trying to separate the brothers)

[Detectives' Squad room]

DANIELS: The contest winner is here, at the Fourteenth. (general applause) So it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you the new officer doll (he takes the doll from a box) and its model, Detective Victor Isbecki. (cheering and more applause. Mary Beth applauds. Chris does not. He gives the doll to Isbecki and shakes his hand) Congratulations.
ISBECKI: Thank you, sir. Thank you. (holding up the doll) Hey Cagney.
CHRISTINE: Victor. Congratulations. They finally got it tall enough to match the rest of you.
ISBECKI: Hey, jealousy's OK. (giving her the doll) Have a look. It's only the prototype. The final version'll be much more handsome.
CHRISTINE: The contest only entered for dolls here. Now why am I not surprised?
DANIELS: It turns out the toy company already had the body made up.
CHRISTINE: (handing the doll back) Ah ha.
MARY BETH: So they were only looking for a head?
DANIELS: The vote was on the up and up. It was strictly kosher. The ballot's available for your perusal. Congratulations again.
ISBECKI: Thank you. What do you think, Cagney?
CHRISTINE: I think if I had a bunch of headless dolls, you'd be my choice too, Victor.
COLEMAN: Cagney, your niece is on line three. She doesn't sound so good.
(Chris rushes to the phone)
ISBECKI: Do you think...
MARY BETH: (stopping him and looking anxiously after Chris) Congratulations, Victor.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Brigit?!!

[Chris's loft]

BRIGIT CAGNEY: It doesn't matter! Scooping ice cream in a mall is all that I was meant to do, it's obvious!
(Brigit turns to an open suitcase)
CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, you don't mean that.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: I haven't got it, they said. They're right! I'm nothing!
CHRISTINE: There was enough substance in the audition, huh? Being brave. Staring down the gun.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: (as she continues to pack) He told me my accent was Welsh!
CHRISTINE: I'm sorry, Brigit.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: What'll I do?
CHRISTINE: Hey, you, when you're an actor, right? So when you get your big break, stab him in the eye!
BRIGIT CAGNEY: You don't understand. It's over!
CHRISTINE: Oh, come on.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: They're professionals, Aunt Chris! They know when someone stinks!!
BRIGIT CAGNEY: So, you're gonna quit?
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Well, I'm not as strong as you are, ...or as brave.
CHRISTINE: You are, Brigit!
BRIGIT CAGNEY: I'm not!! I'm a ballet girl, Aunt Chris. I'm empty!!! You don't know what that feels like!
CHRISTINE: Don't bet on it.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Everybody at that audition had character. They were real like you and Grandpa.
CHRISTINE: Damn it, Brigit, would you grow up! You're just as real as anybody else. And Charlie and I are not heroes!!
BRIGIT CAGNEY: You are to me!!
CHRISTINE: Oh, Brigit, ...I'm gonna lay something on you. ...I'm an alcoholic.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: This isn't going to work.
CHRISTINE: It's true, Brigit!!!
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Come on, this is me, remember! I've known you all my life. You'd think I would know.
CHRISTINE: (grabbing Brigit by the elbows) I am a drunk!! Charlie was a drunk!!! Only he wouldn't put the bottle down!!
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Don't talk that way about Grandpa!!
CHRISTINE: It killed from him!! He died from it!!!
BRIGIT CAGNEY: He loved you!! Look at what he gave you. Waltzing down Fifth Avenue. Coney Island.
CHRISTINE: Coney Island. All right. On the way to the Wonder Wheel, Pop, his soul, he stopped a bar to have one fast drink with his cronies. He left me sitting in the car for an hour!! I was a little kid!!!
BRIGIT CAGNEY: I don't wanna hear any more of this.
CHRISTINE: You've gotta listen!!!
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Stop it!! Stop it!!! Why are you doing this to me?!
CHRISTINE: Brigit, I loved Charlie with all my heart. But he wasn't some Irish legend, He was a sweat-and-blood cop who was doing the best that he could.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: You want me to fall on my face. That what everybody wants.
CHRISTINE: Let me tell you something, kid. The best part of being a Cagney is not our gift of the gab, it's our backbone! It's that we're tough and we don't quit! So if you're really a Cagney you'll go back to California, you'll learn. All right, you'll practice and you'll bring it back here in the Fall! And you'll kick Raphael in his teeth!! Now what do you say?! ...Well?!!!
CHRISTINE: You've got a lot of spirit, Brigit.
BRIGIT CAGNEY: Thanks. ...Are you OK?
CHRISTINE: I'm fine. I go to AA. Do you know something? (Chris goes to the wardrobe and gets out a New York Yankees sports jacket) Put it on. ...There. I think Charlie would want you to have this.

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