MRS. GETLIN: I realise it's just a dog.
CHRISTINE: Oh, not at all. What could me more important than one of God's little creatures?
MRS. GETLIN: Sergeant Cagney, ...I realise this isn't ...a flashy case. But didn't you tell our Community Board meeting that every crime is important to some one?
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) Inspirational, isn't it?
MARY BETH: I think what my partner is trying to say, Mrs. Getlin, is 'Why would anyone wanna steal a dog?'. Unless it was valuable, like one of those show animals.
MRS. GETLIN: But to my little girl it was valuable!! Every day she took Henry for a walk! And yesterday, as they were leaving, he broke loose, and Henry disappeared down the stairs, and she heard an apartment door opening and closing and that weird music pouring out.
CHRISTINE: Excuse me, could we back up...
MRS. GETLIN: She tried to get Mrs. Hendershot to tell her what she had done with Henry. And all that woman did was to yell something horrible.
MARY BETH: Who is Mrs. Hendershot?
MRS. GETLIN: Er, ground floor apartment, ...facing the street. Elnora Hendershot.
MARY BETH: Did anybody actually see Mrs. Hendershot take the dog?
MRS. GETLIN: But, no. But it is well within her capabilities. For ten years we have been patient while that woman has got stranger and stranger.
MARY BETH: If you don't mind, Mrs. Getlin, we would like to speak to your daughter.
MRS. GETLIN: Oh, I'm sorry, but the doctor insisted on a sedative. And Amy is a tough kid. And if you could have seen her, half-scared out of her mind. ...She could barely talk.
CHRISTINE: Begging your pardon, but if that's the case, how can you be so sure that what happened (a false cough) happened?
MRS. GETLIN: Go down and see Mrs. Hendershot. You'll understand.
[Getlins' apartment block staircase and corridor]
CHRISTINE: Just imagine, no more Mrs. Jankowski and her son, Howard, the peeping Tom. No more calls about the Murrays who wanna practise the limbo with their blinds open. Good-bye rabid mice and missing dogs.
MARY BETH: Christine, I have enjoyed you being on the Community Board almost as much as you have.
CHRISTINE: Mm hm. (admiring the well appointed apartment block corridor) OK, Mary Beth, this is my little corner of Paradise.
MARY BETH: Paradise and Inspector Knelman.
CHRISTINE: One day I will be at a community meeting and give a prize to the first one that laughs.
MARY BETH: Careful, Sergeant, if these walls have ears you might wind up as Community Board's permanent liaison.
CHRISTINE: Don't you talk dirty. (they arrive at an apartment door with many bizarre decorations on it and around it including a bunch of garlic and a voodoo mask. There is weird music coming from inside) Wow! Just like Mom and apple pie. There's Mom now!
(Mary Beth uses the big knocker)
MARY BETH: Mrs. ...What's her name?
MARY BETH: Mrs. Hendershot! It's Detective Lacey and Sergeant Cagney, NYPD. Wanna open up, ma'am. We'd like to talk to you.
(the music gets louder. Chris knocks)
CHRISTINE: (shouting) Mrs. Hendershot! It's the police. ...Hello, can you hear me? (the music gets even louder) Mrs. Hendershot, I can't hear you!
MARY BETH: So do you wanna break it down or go for lunch?
(Chris nods towards the exit)
[Precinct House yard]
CHRISTINE: She probably had the dog in there. Forcing him to listen to the music!
MARY BETH: Christine.
CHRISTINE: Well, I answered the complaint, all right?
MARY BETH: Well that ought to bring the members to their feet at the next Community Board meeting.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, whose side you on? All right, I will call them down, I will follow them through and I will prove myself to be responsive and effective member of the Community Board.
MARY BETH: (straightening Chris's collar) Very good, Christine. You know, sometimes I think that Knelman made a mistake letting you go.
[Detectives' Squad room]
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Yes, Mrs. Getlin. I spoke with the Health Department and she seems to have passed every single inspection. ...Ah ha. ...I talked to the SPCA. ...Now listen, if your dog should come back,... ...What? ...Of course I understand. ...Ah ha. ...Yes, er,... ...Mm hm. ...Ah ha. ...Ah ha. ...Bye. (she slams down the receiver) You have a nice day too! ...And a nice night. (to Mary Beth who is packing up) You know, for just one real, brief moment of police work.
MARY BETH: (handing Chris a file) Forest homicide for you.
CHRISTINE: You know, you can't blame Mrs. Getlin. Can you imagine her trying to throw a dinner party? (as if she's on the phone) 'You know, it might best if you didn't bring your dog. It's sort of hard to explain'.
MARY BETH: I don't know what the big deal is as long as she keeps passing inspections.
CHRISTINE: So you wouldn't mind her moving next door to you? Well, Mrs. Getlin would love to trade.
MARY BETH: Be glad to. Fine!
CHRISTINE: Your neighbour's the contestant for the Bride of Frankenstein. We'll call it a Lend-Lease programme.
MARY BETH: She could take the whole block for all I care.
CHRISTINE: You know, Mrs. Hendershot would love to sell hers to everybody who has a dog!
MARY BETH: Good night, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Ah ha. (shouting after Mary Beth) Think of the barbecue!!
ESPOSITO: No chance, no matter you do, Lassie's not coming home.
CHRISTINE: Esposito, if you don't have enough work...
ESPOSITO: No! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
(Esposito rushes off looking busy)
ISBECKI: Hey, Cagney, what do say? A big party for just the two of us at Flannery's?
CHRISTINE: No thanks, Isbecki, I'm busy.
CORASSA: No way! You miss the reunification bout.
COLEMAN: (to Chris) Hey, you don't want your butt to land up under somebody else's butt. Your lease is up.
CHRISTINE: Maybe there's a time. OK?
ISBECKI: Look, I understand. You had a hard time learning about moderation. You're forgiven. OK? No need to give up your whole entire social life.
CHRISTINE: Victor, if you were my whole entire social life, I'd go to Sweden for a sex change.
ISBECKI: (laughing, he puts his arm around her. She looks disapprovingly at his hand on her shoulder)
BERNICE: (coming up) Detective.
CHRISTINE: (to Isbecki) I'm busy.
[Laceys' dining room]
(Mary Beth and two women, parents from Michael's school, come out the kitchen carrying cups and saucers and sit at the table)
MRS. ISAACS: Mrs. Lemada was right. You're very well informed.
MARY BETH: I do try to keep abreast of my children's education.
PARENT #2: Like I told you, Mrs. Isaacs. Commitment is her middle name.
MARY BETH: Fanny, if I'd known you were coming, I'd have made cookies.
(they all laugh)
MRS. ISAACS: Mrs. Lacey, we wanna know what you think. How do you feel about your son's school?
MARY BETH: Is this about sex education?
MRS. ISAACS: No!
MARY BETH: School prayers?
MRS. ISAACS: No, Mrs. Lacey! It's about reading, writing and arithmetic. Did you see the borough-by-borough scores this week in "The Times"?
MARY BETH: Yes, I did.
MRS. ISAACS: Did you know that three years ago your son's Junior High was in the ninety percentile?
PARENT #2: That's why I got involved, Mary Beth. That's a drop of twenty points.
MRS. ISAACS: We wondered if schools today are too caught up in being relevant ... and committed.
MARY BETH: Being committed is not such a bad thing.
MRS. ISAACS: Yes, but committed to what? Relevant to whom? What if Michael's English class stopped learning vocabulary and spent six weeks making a collage of heavy metal rock musicians? (Mary Beth looks bemused and looks at Mrs. Simon) It happened here in Queens. I do not know about you, but I don't pay taxes to promote "Twisted Sister".
MARY BETH: Are you with that group that wants to put ratings on records?
MRS. ISAACS: (laughing, as is Mrs. Simon) No! No, really, believe me, Mrs. Lacey. We're having a meeting tomorrow night and we would like you and your husband to be there.
PARENT #2: You know how you always said 'Get involved' and you spent all that time helping Michael read?
MARY BETH: Fanny, we dealt with that fine ourselves.
MRS. ISAACS: How did you deal with that?
MARY BETH: Well, we spent more time. Saturdays and in the week, nights, you know, spelling out words, going over homework.
MRS. ISAACS: And that's what good parents do. Ones like you! Don't you worry about his teachers? About who else is shaping his mind?
MARY BETH: If he was spending six weeks making a collage, I'd know it.
MRS. ISAACS: Yes, but with all these things screaming for our attention. Our careers, our lives. How many members of the School Board can you name?
MARY BETH: The President is a Mrs. Stein. And er... Oh, and there's that bull-like man. What's his name? Peterson?
MRS. ISAACS: Patterson.
MARY BETH: Patterson!
MRS. ISAACS: Don't worry. It's so easy to lose touch.
PARENT #2: I couldn't even name one ...to be honest.
MRS. ISAACS: We're in a hell of a fix here. We have turned the power over to a bunch of suits attached to forms attached to desks. Why do we always do that with the things that count? First the doctors, then the lawyers, now the School Boards. Everyone else is running our lives. Mrs. Lacey, do you know what President Kennedy would say to that? 'Ask not what your school can do for you. Ask what...'.
MRS. ISAACS/MARY BETH: '...you can do for your school'.
(Mary Beth and Harvey are laying in bed with he lights out. Mary Beth tosses around)
HARVEY: Go to sleep, baby. Do you know what time it is?
MARY BETH: Harvey, you cannot shame a person into falling asleep.
HARVEY: You wanna go to that meeting, Mary Beth. I'm behind you one hundred percent, but me, I have got other plans.
MARY BETH: You won't consider putting off bowling to another night.
HARVEY: You know, when the kid couldn't read, we worked with him. Now he can read. We have the problem, we deal with it.
MARY BETH: Yeah! When was the last time you sat down with him and really talked about school.
HARVEY: Every time I try to, he says, 'I'm fine, Dad'. You know what it is? ...Parents are like cars. Built-in obsolescence.
MARY BETH: Huh.
HARVEY: Babe, you're in bed with an Edsel. (she snuggles up to him) Good night.
MARY BETH: Good night.
(she kisses him and they settle down)
HARVEY: (kissing her) Good night.
MARY BETH: (sitting up) I try to keep up with his education. Once a year, I go down to that school, I try and sit into a tiny little desk and then talk for ten minutes. How do they even know they have the right mother?
HARVEY: That's like saying er, how do we know the nursery gave us the right baby?
MARY BETH: Harvey! A mother knows.
HARVEY: Oh, yeah. (sitting up) Do you know Harvey Jr.? The one who's marching around in that uniform sounding Ollie North. Spouting the kind of bull that comes from The Pentagon. The kid is trying to be Top Gun and GI Joe all tied up in one. You wanna talk about school? Fine! Look, who's teaching him politics. He's not getting that stuff from me.
MARY BETH: Maybe we should have dinner early tomorrow.
HARVEY: Do you know where every single textbook in this country is printed, Mary Beth? Texas.
MARY BETH: Or we could make sandwiches and go early and get a good seat.
HARVEY: Texas! That who's setting the standards! Putting out that kind of drivel that won't offend anyone. Well, it offends me that no one is offended.
MARY BETH: Good night, Harvey.
HARVEY: Good night, baby.
MARY BETH: Can talk about Texas tomorrow?
(they settle down and then Harvey sits up again)
HARVEY: Look what they've done to history, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Huh.
HARVEY: Vietnam was a hiccough. A slip. A scare bomb in your life. McCarthy. He was just misunderstood. You know, Nixon's even beginning to look good again.
MARY BETH: (raising a hand) Huh.
HARVEY: Before long our kids... Our hope for the future. They're gonna go ahead and they're gonna re-elect him. That's what they're gonna do. ...Re-elect ...Richard ...Nixon.
SAMUELS: You know, I gotta hand it to you, Cagney. I've been sitting here wondering, 'Is she really gonna make it?'.
CHRISTINE: I beg you pardon.
SAMUELS: She makes it past two months. She makes it past three. She's breezing past four and five. And now, just as she's making a turn for home, (slapping his desk) she goes down!
CHRISTINE: What are you are you talking about exactly, Lieutenant?
SAMUELS: (handing her a file) What is it with you, Sergeant? You go shoot your mouth off again?
CHRISTINE: (opening the file) What?!
SAMUELS: Do you wanna sit on that Community Board for the rest of your natural life?
CHRISTINE: (pointing out an entry in the file to Mary Beth) Three parked cars with slashed tyres. That's no big deals, Lieutenant. Let the Uniforms...
SAMUELS: One of those vehicles happened to belong to the owner of the missing dog! Now put a stop to this, Cagney! The DD5s are piling up to the ceiling! Kiss the baby and move on!
MARY BETH: Sir, the baby is an eighty year-old woman...
CHRISTINE: ...who refuses to even answer her door!
SAMUELS: Well, so what? She can walk, cant she?
MARY BETH: You think she snuck out in the middle of the night to slash tyres, sir?
SAMUELS: Who knows? She managed to hold two of my very Finest at bay, didn't she? Now what did she use on ya, huh? Hypnotism? A secret decoder ring?
CHRISTINE: (smiling sweetly) You're getting warm.
[Getlins' apartment block corridor]
(the duo, led by Chris, strides purposely towards Mrs. Hendershot's apartment door. The music is playing. Two kids push past on their way out)
MARY BETH: Hey!
KID #1: Don't go in there. She's a witch.
CHRISTINE: (knocking and shouting) Mrs. Hendershot! Sergeant Cagney, the Fourteenth! Will you open the door, please? I'm here on official police business! (the music volume goes up again) Hey, you don't wanna open the door! Fine! There's been a rumour that you've got cockroaches in there! Big ...fat ...ugly ...roaches! (Mary Beth smiles) Now that can mean health problems, and an on-site mandatory inspection!
MARY BETH: (shouting herself) Be reasonable, Sergeant. This woman could be evicted!
CHRISTINE: I don't care, Detective! I don't care if we have to take a fire hose... (the door opens. Mrs. Hendershot is there, holding a native mask over her face) Mrs. Hendershot?
(Mrs. Hendershot eyes the duo through the mask)
[Mrs. Hendershot's apartment]
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Women cops! Detectives! Ha, ha, ha! The two of you! (handing Chris back her shield) Come on.
CHRISTINE: Mrs. Hendershot, there has been...
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (pointing) Sit!!!
CHRISTINE: Thank you. There have been several rather serious allegations made...
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (as Mary Beth almost sits on a native fly whisk) Oh, watch that. (grimacing and pointing to Mary Beth's scarf) Is that pink?!
MARY BETH: It's ...pink.
(Mrs. Hendershot holds her nose and makes big 'No, no' gestures with her hands)
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: It's not a good day for pink.
(Mrs. Hendershot walks away)
CHRISTINE: As I was saying, there have been several complaints...
MARY BETH: (to Chris) Go ahead. You're doing great.
(Chris goes across towards the kitchen)
CHRISTINE: Mrs. Hendershot, there have been several complaints about slashed tyres on your block last night.
(she is confronted by Mrs. Hendershot coming out with a tray with a samovar and cups on it)
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Is it because I own fourteen samovars or is it because I have a nice collection? It's seems the little one is most useful on a tray on wheels.
MARY BETH: Did you know that Mrs. Getlin's daughter claims that you accosted her and stole her dog?
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: That mangy rat!!! They set that rat on me. Did you know that? And they breed 'em. They do!!! I have seen that woman take rats upstairs to the room and close the door. It makes me want to puke.
MARY BETH: I can imagine.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Ha. Just between us, there are some very strange people living in this building.
CHRISTINE: Let me get this straight. You don't know anything about any slashed tyres or missing dogs?
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (leaping up) That ...damn ...rat ...again!!! (rushing into the kitchen) Rat!!!
CHRISTINE: (following her again) Mrs. Hendershot. Look, we're just two public servants...
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (coming out of the kitchen pointing a wooden spoon with something on it at Chris) Take a whiff.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (pointing it at Mary Beth) Here! Take a whiff! (talking about what's on the spoon) Mr. Pete.
(and then eating it)
MARY BETH: Er!
(she makes a barking sound)
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (pointing to the samovar) Tea. I insist. This is my own special blend.
MARY BETH: (pointing to a jar of something Chris is holding) That was a joke, Christine. She was joking.
CHRISTINE: We'll let Solomon decide that.
MARY BETH: What are you gonna do? Ask him to test for Yorkie? Do you know what he's gonna say?
SOLOMON: (coming in the door) The doctor ...is in! I can't believe it! I am rubbing my eyes!
MARY BETH: I'll take a break.
(she walks away)
CHRISTINE: So could I.
SOLOMON: (Solomon putting his arm around Chris) It's you! It's not a mirage! An ode to a dying man.
CHRISTINE: Stop drooling... (giving him the jar) ...just analyse this.
SOLOMON: (hugging her and rocking back and forth) Ah, Christine! Christine! You are trembling at the rush of sensation. What do think of the place?
SOLOMON: Totally mellow, huh?
SOLOMON: Far out?
MARY BETH: Classy!
(she is standing by a poster/calendar of a well-endowed lady in an abbreviated white top and hosting up a red G-string. The caption is 'MISS SYRINGE has a DOSE for you')
SOLOMON: Ha! Miss. Syringe! Get a load of that dosage! (he cackles uncontrollably) Am I a redecorator or what?! Oh! Check it out! Check it out! (he rushes over to a fridge door with another lady in a skimpy bikini on it) New refrigerator!
CHRISTINE: Is that where you keep the body parts?
SOLOMON: Just the prize samples and specimens. Want some cold ones?
CHRISTINE: No thanks. I'm watching my food. (pointing to the jar) Come on, that's important. All right? I need an answer on it.
SOLOMON: (grabbing her wrists) How about ...ASAP? (kissing her hands) Will you go out with me? (she breaks for the door. He rushes after her and blocks the door) Come on! Come on! What do ya say? What do ya say! Go out with me? Saturday night? Roseland? I'm working on a Gold Certificate from Arthur Murray. (swaying back and forth) Twenty-five international dances in the language of love.
(he makes a final flourish)
CHRISTINE: I'd rather be fed to wild pigs.
SOLOMON: (to Mary Beth as she follows Chris out) I think she's warming up. (Mary Beth puts her finger up) Night. (as he closes the door) She's hot.
CHRISTINE: Why can't they file Hendershot under H where it's supposed to be? Under G for 'God'. Under W for 'What's it about?'.
MARY BETH: Christine. I'm your partner. Normally your problems are my problems. But if the Lieutenant asks how come neither one of us is working on a case? Listen, partner,...
CHRISTINE: Every time you yelled 'Child' I went out there on a limb for you! Now if Solomon can't come up with something that is going to make people happy!
MARY BETH: What?
CHRISTINE: That's right! If I'm unhappy. you're unhappy. If I have to spend the rest of my life on this damn...
MARY BETH: Life's too long, Christine. Leave her alone.
CHRISTINE: All I need is a parking ticket or maybe another missing dog. What if she's been chopping up Pekingese all these years. So she sees all these people go by she can't help herself.
MARY BETH: What if I go back to the office and pretend like we're both working? (Chris gives evil eye signs and mutters) Pardon me?
CHRISTINE: This is Aunt Nellie, you know. She lived in Charlie's old neighbourhood. She used to hang out the window screaming about the evil eye. (Mary Beth puts her elbow on a file. It's dusty. She brushes off the dust and looks at the file) She was blaming them for World War Two.
MARY BETH: (from the file) Hendershot, Elnora.
CHRISTINE: What have you got?
MARY BETH: Public nuisance, multiple complaints. Malicious mischief. Disturbing the peace. Oo, look at this. There's an assault charge.
CHRISTINE: Look at this. They put her away in Bellevue! Great.
(Chris rushes off. Mary Beth shrugs and follows)
[Detectives' Squad room]
(demonstrators have occupied the room. They are chained together and holding notices like "NO NUKE" and "STOP NUCLEAR TESTING")
SAMUELS: I wanted a Jewish boy.
SAMUELS: And then they tell me he got circumcised in the hospital. Can you believe that?
COLEMAN: Well, maybe it was the baby. He said up and said 'We're the chosen people! What's second prize?'.
SAMUELS: Now, I tell David I'm putting away money for the bar mitzvah lessons. He goes away and has a regular christening.
COLEMAN: Chief, I hear what you're saying but maybe some of that's gotta be coming from the wife.
SAMUELS: I try to be a good father-in-law. What do you suppose she can't read? What? Has she got against being Jewish?
COLEMAN: Oh. Lieutenant, I think you should face the facts. I don't think the name Mai Ling brings to mind exactly a Jewish mother.
MARY BETH: So what?! They locked her up for one week eleven years ago. Big deal. A lot of famous people go to the nut house too.
CHRISTINE: Yeah? Name one.
BERNICE: (delivering mail) Thomas Eagleton. Look what they did to that poor guy.
ISBECKI: (passing by) Any Democrat is mentally ill.
ESPOSITO: How about Arnold Espinoza?
CHRISTINE: I beg your pardon?
ESPOSITO: Uncle Arnold. He's married to Barbara Mandrell. He was... (touching his head) Mind. Must have been a heck of a wedding night.
CHRISTINE: So the woman's working to a different drummer.
CHRISTINE: What about all of those complaints?
MARY BETH: They never went to court.
CHRISTINE: The assault charge. What about that?
MARY BETH: What about it? A man shoved her. She shoved him back. You used to call that self-defence. People don't always agree. What about you and me?
CHRISTINE: According to the report of the social worker, the woman redefines the word 'Eccentric'!
MARY BETH: All those years all alone in that apartment. Dusting and cooking and...
CHRISTINE: ...holding unusual concerts for the neighbours?
MARY BETH: You know, I would hate to think that you are beating up on that old lady in order to make points with Inspector Knelman.
CHRISTINE: You're right, Mary Beth. You know how impressed the Inspector gets whenever I haul in an innocent old woman.
CORASSA: Hook an eye, Cagney! Unless your old aunt's sick this month too.
ESPOSITO: The executive committee of the poker school says you're fined because you missed the last four games.
ISBECKI: And you're on the hook for all of us. Thirty bucks.
COLEMAN: And make it a premium brew, Cagney.
CHRISTINE: OK! (as he comes in) Solomon! Making house calls?
SOLOMON: Only if it's time to take you temperature.
CHRISTINE: Not on this occasion.
SOLOMON: Now listen. Listen! Forget about Roseland. You and me, we take out the Rambler, we drive upstate for a long weekend of erotic, animated films.
CHRISTINE: If God wanted Mickey and Minnie to fool around he would have given them five fingers.
MARY BETH: Detective Solomon, don't you have something for us.
SOLOMON: Oh! Yes! Er, the results of the tests on the sample that ...you gave me. Yes, er,... (taking a document from his inside pocket) 'The sample contains, Vitamin A, iron, calcium and iodised salts. Crude proteins and...'.
CHRISTINE: Proteins? What kind of proteins?
MARY BETH: Horse? You found horse?
SOLOMON: That's what I'm trying to tell you.
ISBECKI: (coming up) Somebody killed a horse?
CHRISTINE: Victor, go and play in your own corral. (to Solomon) It couldn't be horse. It's dog meat.
(Mary Beth's phone goes)
MARY BETH: (into phone) Detective Lacey, Fourteenth. ...Er, easy, ma'am, say it slow.
SOLOMON: (to Chris) Watch my lips. Horse! (he snuffles and blows like a horse into Chris's face. She rubs her left eye) We're talking horse.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Stay where you are. We're on our way. (she rings off) From Elnora Hendershot's building. A Mrs. Simon upstairs. Her son has been poisoned!
MRS. SIMON: I told you. She poisoned him.
MARY BETH: What happened exactly?
MRS. SIMON: Look, he came running in, screaming, clutching his stomach against the pain. She did it. That's what he told me. That's good enough for me.
CHRISTINE: What? She did what exactly?
MRS. SIMON: Shoved a potato in his face. Stuck a pin it and told him he was going to get very, very sick in his stomach. He has! He has!
CHRISTINE: Excuse me. She stuck a ...pin in a ...potato.
MRS. SIMON: You've never heard of ...voodoo psychics.
MRS. SIMON: Oh, you can laugh, but no one is safe from her, and that thing that she's making.
MARY BETH: What thing, ma'am?
MRS. SIMON: Oh, the thing down in the courtyard. I don't know. I don't know what it is. But it's pretty damn sick!
CHRISTINE: You know, I'm sure there's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this.
MRS. SIMON: You bet there is. She's crazy! And I want her out of here, now!
MARY BETH: Ma'am, we can't put people in jail without due process.
MRS. SIMON: I don't think you people understand. She is out of control. Now she's going after our children.
CHRISTINE: All right. Fine. Look, we'll talk to her. OK?
MRS. SIMON: Maybe my son is right. Maybe she is a witch!
(the duo are standing with Mrs. Hendershot looking at some sort of "shrine")
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: I've got enough of my own problems. I don't need any help. I don't need you. I don't need any problems. I'm thinking of my own problems because I have my ways. Oh yes! I have my ways. Don't worry about me. I have my ways.
CHRISTINE: That bit with the potato. Is that one of your ways?
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Oh, sure. You wanna stick a witch? (pointing at Chris) I will swear out a complaint against him. Go ahead and arrest him!!
MARY BETH: Arrest who?
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Him!
MARY BETH: What, the little kid? You want us to arrest a ten-year old kid?
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: If your cat has chickens in the oven does that mean that you get kitchicks?
CHRISTINE: I beg your pardon?
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: He has been around here all the time spying on me. He is a gangster! How do think Al Capone got started?!
MARY BETH: Ma'am, I doubt if it was looking for a ball in his neighbour's yard.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: So you say. (singing and looking to the heavens) 'We shall free them'.
CHRISTINE: Mrs. Hendershot, the boy's mother says that you put a spell on him. We saw him and he's definitely sick.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Do you believe in sex? (the duo looks at one another) You know how you get tired. Be against it. Do you think it's easy for me standing up against City Hall! It's ...never ...easy for me! Cross me again and I'll turn them into Colorado river toads!
MARY BETH: Mrs. Hendershot, like it or not, you'll gonna have to learn to get along with your neighbours.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (singing) 'We shall free them! We shall free them!!'.
MARY BETH: (looking at the "shrine") This... This er, work of yours. This is er,... This is very... What do you call this?
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: A sculpture. Not exactly a rocket science decision.
CHRISTINE: I think what she meant was, does you sculpture have a name?
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Don't name you kids till you find out who they are. So ...when it grows up, ...it will tell me its name! ...Oh! ...Oh, my God, isn't this beautiful?
CHRISTINE: Do you know, it's funny but I think hers is not bad.
MARY BETH: She's like somebody whose old carving a work of art.
CHRISTINE: I mean, er, is she a Picasso? Did you see that card thing he did? It looks like a cardboard tube with string on!
MARY BETH: Chris, she may not be Margaret Hamilton, but take my word for it, she's not a Picasso either.
MARY BETH: Don't forget to buckle...
CHRISTINE: Yeah, yeah, I'm doing it.
MARY BETH: What time's your meeting tonight?
CHRISTINE: I went this morning. I'm playing poker tonight. They've been ragging me.
MARY BETH: You'll be fine, you know. You're still funny and charming and pervasive and all that stuff.
CHRISTINE: I'll be fine. I'll play a few hands, have a few laughs. And all this on pop soda.
(Chris starts the engine and then stops it)
MARY BETH: You told Coleman the truth?
CHRISTINE: No! Anonymity is what this whole thing is supposed to be about. No, I'm just tell him when the time's right.
MARY BETH: Well, I'm sure you know what you're doing.
CHRISTINE: I'm still me.
MARY BETH: Atta girl.
CHRISTINE: Hey, get out of it!
(she starts the engine again)
(the poker game is in progress)
CHRISTINE: Come on, Esposito, put up or shut up.
ESPOSITO: I'm out.
CORASSA: And me.
COLEMAN: Busted! Brew anyone?
BASIL: What's the brew?
COLEMAN: Cagney? It was left in a safe found under the East River.
ISBECKI: You know what they say? (raising the bets) 'It ain't over until it's over'.
BASIL: Atta boy.
ISBECKI: It's a stoner, hombre.
(Basil raises the bet)
CORASSA: Draw one for the big guy.
CHRISTINE: (adding to the pot) OK. I'll see your fifty. ...I'll raise ya.
(more in the pot)
ISBECKI: Give me a break. You're shooting blanks. ...And I'll raise you ...fifty.
BASIL: Too rich for my bladder.
CHRISTINE: OK, sucker, I'll see your fifty, (more in the pot) ...and ...I'll raise you a dollar!
ISBECKI: You're just kidding, Cagney. You ain't got nothing.
CHRISTINE: There's one way to find out.
(Esposito gives Isbecki a challenging nod. Chris and Isbecki stare at one another)
ISBECKI: I'm coming out.
COLEMAN: What are you doing?!
CHRISTINE: (scooping it) My pot.
ISBECKI: Come on, Cagney, I was right. Come on, what are you holding?
CHRISTINE: (she spreads and looks at her cards and then puts them back together) No pay, no peek.
(Harvey drags Mary Beth along as she shouts back)
MARY BETH: My kid!! My kid has the morality of an alley cat! Your kid resembles one!
FRANNIE LEMADA: Nobody made it personal, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: You're two-faced. You and Emma Isaacs. You deserve each other!
FRANNIE LEMADA: Night all!
MARY BETH: (dragging Harvey back) You're never coming over to my house.
FRANNIE LEMADA: Night, Mary Beth!!
MARY BETH: (screeches) Night!!!
ARTY LEMADA: Night, Harvey!!!
(Harvey opens the front door)
MARY BETH: Thank you.
HARVEY: You're welcome.
MARY BETH: The fake eyelashes and the manicure, Harvey, and the sincere smile. And underneath it all is nothing but a bunch of lousy ...book vermin.
HARVEY: Don't worry, babe. We'll still be friends. Frannie and Arty will get over it.
MARY BETH: I don't care if they do! That woman's never coming to my house again. The nerve of some people.
HARVEY: Hey, babe, you've got a right to be upset. That Mrs. Isaacs, she fooled you.
MARY BETH: She fooled everybody, Harvey. You saw all those people nodding their heads about the dirty word. They wanted to censor " Romeo and Juliet" and their version is gonna be about two teenage kids who are gonna ...like each other.
HARVEY: Oh, baby, you were terrific. Jumping (Mary Beth begins to cry as Harvey comes to comfort her) and hollering. If you had been at Salem, they never would have burned the witch. If you had been around during McCarthy, there never would have been a blacklist. Never! Hey did you see the look on Frannie's face?
MARY BETH: The Lemadas and the Bensons and Mrs. Emma Isaacs, Harvey. These are the great minds that are going to be deciding our children's future.
(Mary Beth goes to the dressing table)
HARVEY: Only if there's a majority.
MARY BETH: Racists and wife-beaters and dope growers and book burners! This is what we get for our scaling, Harvey. We don't belong here.
HARVEY: We live here. You remember Gary Cooper in "High Noon"?
MARY BETH: At the end he threw his badge in the dirt.
(Mary Beth goes to Harvey and he hugs her)
HARVEY: Oh, baby.
MARY BETH: Oh...
ISBECKI: Forget it! I'm out. You've already won this month's rent. And the new boots I picked out.
(Isbecki picks up Chris's drink and tastes it)
CHRISTINE: Isbecki, leave it!
ISBECKI: I should have known. Soda water.
(Esposito picks the drink up)
CHRISTINE: Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
ESPOSITO: I have, and I will.
BASIL: Your deal, Cagney.
CORASSA: Next time it'll be Shirley Temple and Roy Rogers and those guys.
COLEMAN: There's a happy couple.
ISBECKI: Well, it's an unfair advantage. (slurred) I say we dump anyone who isn't mad enough to drink the hard stuff.
(the men all shout in unison)
CHRISTINE: It's not the first time I've whopped you.
ISBECKI: (more slurred) You did it good. Now it's important.
COLEMAN: Give her a break. So she doesn't holler at anybody anymore. Stand up on a chair and insult people. She used to be a loudmouth.
CHRISTINE: Whose side are you on, Coleman?
BASIL: Those were the good old days.
(Isbecki drinks the rest of Chris's drink down, burps and smashes the polystyrene cup on his head. The men all laugh)
ISBECKI: I'm so sorry. I hope I haven't offended you, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: Not all, Detective. Thanks for you using your head for something.
ISBECKI: At least I don't look down my nose at my buddies. Am I right?!!
CHRISTINE: You know, you don't have to be drunk to have a good time. Let me tell you something. You were never a good cop.
CORASSA: Hey guys, let's break it up.
CHRISTINE: And who can figure out good old Corassa? At the society dance, he danced with pants off! Over his head! At least there was good old Coleman, who roused all over the Inspector's shoes. Now that's what I call a bit of a laugh.
(Isbecki leaps to his feet)
BERNICE: (at the door) Sergeant Cagney.
CHRISTINE: Yes?!! Phone call downstairs. They said it was urgent.
(Chris leaps up, throwing the deck of cards on the table)
[Mrs. Hendershot's apartment]
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: I want them out of here!
CHRISTINE: Calm down, Elnora.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Trespassers!
CHRISTINE: It's gonna be all right. The Uniforms have turned up.
(she goes to the window and pulls back the curtain. There is a noisy crowd on the pavement)
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Carpetbaggers! (they come to the window shouting. She shouts back) Kill them! Kill them!
CHRISTINE: They say the boy was rushed off to the hospital. (Mrs. Hendershot turns back and looks at Chris) Do you know anything about that?
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: If I could of, I would have put him in a stew and cooked him.
CHRISTINE: Oh, come on. They don't even make jokes about that around here.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Not only that. I would have fattened him up with onions and carrots like my little Hansie.
CHRISTINE: Knock it off! (Mrs. Hendershot continues to fantasise while Chris tries to get a word in edgeways) ...in the first place.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: I didn't call you here ...to shoot my skull into pips. I can get in touch with Doctor Joyce any time I want him. He comes in very nicely over my gris gris.
CHRISTINE: Lady, you talk crazy like that, they're gonna come and they're gonna take you away!
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Do your job. Just do your job!
CHRISTINE: Elnora, would you listen to me? I know you can listen. I know that you're afraid and I'm not gonna do anything to hurt you.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (shouting out and raising her arm as she shouts towards the window) I will arrest you in the name of the Crown!!!
CHRISTINE: I'm calling Social Services to see if they can come over here and help.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: I don't want help. I don't need any help!
CHRISTINE: You don't even have enough to eat.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: Liar!!
CHRISTINE: I'm not lying. I know about your stew. I know that you eat ...horsemeat.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: I boiled Mr. Ed alive. Had him on toast!
CHRISTINE: No, you did not. You didn't kidnap any stupid dog. You went to the store and you spent sixty-nine cents on a can of dog food!
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (singing) The sea shall free them!. (walking towards the window) ) The sea shall free them!.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (singing) The sea shall free them!.
CHRISTINE: Elnora, will you stop doing this.
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: (singing) The sea shall...
CHRISTINE: Stop it!!!
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: ...free them!.
CHRISTINE: Stop it!!! Will you just stop it now?!
(Mrs. Hendershot turns back towards Chris brandishing a large ritual sword)
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: I will cut off your head!!! ...And stuff it down the toilet.
(Chris takes hold of the tip of the sword and lowers it and then prises it from her)
CHRISTINE: So I checked with the hospital. The boy's gonna be fine. It turns out it wasn't any mysterious voodoo. The kid was sniffing glue!
MARY BETH: Will you believe people? You should have called me, Christine. Because the mood I'm in... You probably did the right thing. I would have smashed a few heads. You were diplomatic, weren't you?
CHRISTINE: Trust me. One more week and I'm retiring as Community Board liaison.
MARY BETH: What is it anyway? Is it the air or what? Too much toxic waste in the food. Things are getting very scary.
CHRISTINE: I never heard a guy complaining because someone's wrecking his co-op. It makes you wonder.
MARY BETH: It's symptomatic, that's what it is. It makes you feel anger and outrage.
CHRISTINE: I'm thinking about making a couple of calls, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Action! You're absolutely right. You gotta do something. ...Hey, how did it go with the guys last night?
CHRISTINE: They're like bears when they're drunk.
MARY BETH: Will you believe people?
(they go home)
[Detectives' Squad room]
(Isbecki, Corassa and Esposito come in. Mary Beth is just taking her coat off)
ISBECKI: Forget it, Corassa. I never give any quarter. I'm still sore from the last game. Remember, Cagney?
CHRISTINE: Well, maybe things didn't go for you, Victor.
ESPOSITO: It was a hit and run, Serge.
CORASSA: (to Esposito) Right! We play for fun, Cagney, not for profit.
ISBECKI: (sitting close to Chris) Evian, Perrier ...or sparkling Highland water? I don't care. Whatever you were drinking, I want a rematch. I'm gonna clean you clock.
CHRISTINE: Not a chance, Victor. ...But double the stakes, you gotta game. Don't forget the lemon twist.
(Isbecki rushes off)
COLEMAN: (as Samuels comes in) Hey Lieutenant, I wondered how the bar mitzvah went.
SAMUELS: Believe it or not, they're signing him up as soon as he as he can talk.
COLEMAN: I thought the mother objected.
SAMUELS: No, no. It wasn't Mai Ling. She believes that kid has both cultures. After all, they kid's got both names.
COLEMAN: What, David's and hers?!
SAMUELS: Ling Julian Samuels.
COLEMAN: Yours and Ling?.
SAMUELS: Hey, look at this. (he gets out a small wallet) Ling Samuels. (as Chris goes past) Cagney, hold it a second, will ya? Don't forget we've gotta go over those Divisional briefings from Narcotics.
CHRISTINE: No problem.
SAMUELS: Just means a little extra overtime. Not such a bad thing, huh?
CHRISTINE: What, you think I can claim?
SAMUELS: Yeah, so I'll put you down for Tuesday and Thursday.
CHRISTINE: Did you say Tuesday night?
SAMUELS: Yes. Something wrong?
CHRISTINE: I can't. I have plans.
SAMUELS: Cancel the plans. This is important.
CHRISTINE: Well, so are these. I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I'm just not available.
SAMUELS: What are you kidding me here? You're my second whip. Have I gotta get down on my hands and knees and beg for it?!
CHRISTINE: No, Lieutenant, I'm...
SAMUELS: Well, that so, Cagney? Right?
CHRISTINE: Yes. I'm... I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I just can't miss these meetings.
SAMUELS: Meetings?! What kind of meetings?!
CHRISTINE: (looking around) Every Tuesday and Thursday I have a commitment. (whispering) I am going to AA. ...AA.
SAMUELS: Good for you! Good for you, Cagney. That's terrific! But don't worry, I'll find somebody else. No problem. AA, huh? (shaking her hand) Well, congratulations! Congratulations.
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant, I'd just appreciate if you didn't say anything to the others.
SAMUELS: Oh, no, no, I understand.
MARY BETH: (from across the room) Sergeant! (Samuels leaves. She comes up) It's Elnora Hendershot. The neighbours say she's outside throwing things and yelling. Shall we send Uniforms?
(the sculpture has been vandalised)
ELNORA HENDERSHOT: No! no, no, no. (to the crowd outside the railings) Hooligans! You will pay!
(the duo arrives)
CHRISTINE: (through the railings) Mrs. Hendershot! ...Elnora!!
(Mrs. Hendershot, clutching an ice hockey boot, stands there crying)
MARY BETH: (to the crowd) All right. Let's go. Move along. Move along, please. There's nothing to see.
(there is a knock at the door. Mrs. Getlin opens the door. The duo is there)
MARY BETH: Mrs. Getlin and Mrs. Simon. What do ya know? (as they come in) Do you wanna tell us about what happened?
MRS. GETLIN: I don't know what you mean.
MARY BETH: Oh, come now. Aren't we selling ourselves a bit short? I doubt very much that anything that happens in this building gets past the two of you.
(a dog barks)
MRS. GETLIN: Oh yes. He came back. Isn't that wonderful?
CHRISTINE: The dog came back and you didn't tell anybody?
MRS. GETLIN: Well, I had a few other things on my mind.
CHRISTINE: Have you any idea what you've put that woman through?
MRS.SIMON: Sergeant, we are hardly the ones on trial here.
CHRISTINE: Did you arrange that?
MRS. GETLIN: Do you know, if you'd just done your job in the first place, none of this would have happened.
MRS.SIMON: My little boy is in the hospital because of her.
CHRISTINE: Your little boy is in the hospital for stuffing glue up his nose and you know it! Now for three days we've been yo-yoing back and forth and the only crime I can come up with so far is yours.
MRS. GETLIN: Excuse me, but whose side are you on anyway?! And surely you're working for the families of this community.
CHRISTINE: Hey, fine, lady! You wanna speech, go ahead! But take a number and get lost!
MRS.SIMON: That'll make very interesting news for the next Board meeting.
CHRISTINE: Do you know something? You're nothing but a couple of self-ri...
MARY BETH: Sergeant Cagney, don't you think we ought to go now?
CHRISTINE: All that nice talk. About trying to help the children. Now we know what it all boils down to, don't we? Money and property value. You losing a load on your co-op? Is that it? Or is it maybe is it just because she's not like you.
MRS. GETLIN: Oh fine, you think coming down here two days in a row makes you an expert? Well, you try living here in year in and year out with that creature downstairs!
CHRISTINE: You better hit the road because she's not going anywhere.
MRS.SIMON: So you say, Officer.
CHRISTINE: Let me tell you something. If anyone so much as bats an eye at her, I'm gonna come down on you so fast it's gonna make your head spin.
MRS. GETLIN: Oh, what kind of power do you think you have, Sergeant?
CHRISTINE: I haven't even gotten warm, lady. I'll come down on you for noise pollution and jay walking. And I promise you if anybody, anybody, ever hurts her again, I'm coming (pointing to Mrs. Getlin) after you. A slashed tyre. A broken window. It's your apartment I'm gonna search. And you can spend hours and hours downtown filling out endless and pointless paperwork. 'Cos it's your butts I'm gonna throw in jail. You got it?!! I just hope you have a good, long-standing relationship with the bail bondsman, because you're gonna need it. (from the door as they go to leave) Don't forget, I'll be there. And I'm gonna be waiting for you.
MARY BETH: (as she closes the door) Have a nice day.
(outside the apartment block)
MARY BETH: Well, there's worse things than spending the rest of your entire life on the Community Board.
CHRISTINE: Mr. Murray and his limbo night. Mrs. Jankowski and her son, Howard.
MARY BETH: (as they cross the road) You were terrific. Terrific. Maybe its' good time to go home and make a little noise.
(Mary Beth rings the bell. A woman answers it)
MARY BETH: Mrs. Stefano? My name is Mary Beth Lacey. Your daughter, Julie, is in class with my son, Michael.
MRS.STEFANO: What do you want?
MARY BETH: Are you aware there's people trying to ban books in our school?
MARY BETH: Well, if your happy to, I'd like to talk with you.
MRS.STEFANO: OK. Come in.
MARY BETH: Thank you.