Loves Me Not
Original Airdate: October 5, 1987

[Back of a tenement in The Bronx]

(the duo hustles a suspect down a wooden fire escape staircase from the tenement)
TOMMY KARP: Look, I mean, Cosmo's a two-bit thief. Er, I'm a businessman. We were on a different...
(they get him to the bottom)
CHRISTINE: Wait until we get you against a wall, wise guy. Now what have you got in your pockets?
TOMMY KARP: Well, this isn't my jacket. I bought it from my cousin.
MARY BETH: (pulling a small packet from his inside pocket) What do you call this, Karp?
TOMMY KARP: They're trading fish all over this place. Why pick on me?
CHRISTINE: (slamming him against a wall) I'm not dumb, that's why! Now talk to us, punk. Where's Cosmo Royle?
TOMMY KARP: Look, I don't trade with Cosmo, ladies. I haven't heard from him in weeks ...probably.
CHRISTINE: Great! (they take him by the arms) You got the time, we've got the cell.
TOMMY KARP: Wait, wait, wait! Don't get cranky there. The Bronx police lock people up for nothing. It beats me...
MARY BETH: (stopping) Where did we put the car, Sergeant?
CHRISTINE: Beats me. We'll just have to walk Karp around the neighbourhood for a while, but we'll find it eventually.
TOMMY KARP: (as they hustle him along again) No, no, no! I'll wrap the punk up in a ribbon for you, all right? Just as long as you tell the narks I work for you.
CHRISTINE: You get him, Cosmo, we'll see what we can do,
TOMMY KARP: Great. How about my stuff?
MARY BETH: No. (as she empties the white powder from the packet onto the ground) Run, you piece of garbage. (Cosmo runs off) We got Marcus in The Bronx?
CHRISTINE: I don't know. He could land up on 86th Street.
(they get in the Squad car which is parked nearby)

[Squad car]

(they're on their way back to the Precinct)
MARY BETH: This last month, with Harvey putting in these late hours, it's been like 'Where is Dad? How that Dad never spends any time with me'. By the time he's spoken to Michael... 'How come your father is important all of a sudden?'. I mean, not that he's not, it's just that he has a mother too.
(Chris nods vigorously)
CHRISTINE: It's the sex identity thing, Mary Beth.
CHRISTINE: Now Cosmo has been moving hot TVs and radios for about fifteen years. How come he's so important all of a sudden?
MARY BETH: Oh, who knows. It's politics. Anyway, so Harvey gets home about eight and he starts to fawn all over Michael. 'Come on, son, let's drop the football around'.
CHRISTINE: Good male bonding. It is not politics. I'm telling you that Cosmo's got it stuck in his teeny little mind that Karp's got some kind of major drug connection.
MARY BETH: No he said 'The key to the connection', Christine. Anyway, now that Harvey is home more, Michael won't have anything to do with him. He says it's too late.
MARY BETH: Sounds like Harvey lost in a major power play. How is Cosmo a key? A key to what?! Coke stacked in some hot VCR? The crack jumping in a microwave? I'm telling you bad ideas and DAs grow together, like fungus on shower curtains.
MARY BETH: Well, Feldberg could be right. Miracles do happen.
CHRISTINE: A year ago he said that Cosmo wasn't worth the cost to put him through the system! (no response from Mary Beth) Fungus on shower curtains.
(Mary Beth smiles)

[Precinct House front desk]

MARY BETH: (as the duo comes in) So, Harvey went to a lot of trouble. He phoned up somebody with connections for box seats for some big game tonight.
CHRISTINE: The Knicks and the Celtics!! You don't have a son, you've got a lawyer!
BASIL: (from the desk handing a message to Chris) David Keeler just phoned.
CHRISTINE: Where is everybody?
BASIL: (pointing to the Squad room) Big doings in there.
MARY BETH: Michael has confetti. He'll be home late tonight.
CHRISTINE: Good! Case settled out of court!
COLEMAN: (coming in from the Squad room) We've been waiting for you two!
COLEMAN: (pointing to his stripes) Petrie just joined the club!
MARY BETH: A sergeant spot finally opened up?
(Coleman nods. Mary Beth rushes into the Squad room, screaming)
COLEMAN: (to Chris) Maybe the Sergeants' cub should take him to Papa Joe's. Give him some pointers. Let him know some of the responsibility he's gonna be facing.
CHRISTINE: You mean the three of us? Huddled over a beer discussing filing procedures. Oh, it sounds great. But not my idea of a good time.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Mary Beth is hugging Petrie)
ESPOSITO: Oh, the rewards of power.
MARY BETH: Sergeant Petrie! (she screams and hugs him again) Nobody deserves it more than you.
PETRIE: Thank you, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: You're welcome.
(she shakes his hand vigorously)
ISBECKI: Of course, some of us are left in the dust.
CORASSA: Oh, it's nice to have known somebody some memorable. Good night, Marcus.
(Corassa gets up and goes off)
PETRIE: I don't know how I feel about all of this yet. It's kind of like leaving home.
ESPOSITO: How about we just kill the night, Sergeant.
ISBECKI: I'll go one better. How about getting rid of the blonde? Just a joke, Lacey.
MARY BETH: Claudia must be so proud.
PETRIE: Oh, yeah. But Lauren's the one to watch out for. She'll drive the neighbourhood crazy bragging.
MARY BETH: She'll have good reason. Her daddy's a hell of a cop.
PETRIE: Thanks.
CHRISTINE: (into telephone) Yes. David Keeler, please. ...Yes, I'll hold.
MARY BETH: Who's gonna give me advice on Alice now?
PETRIE: Somebody around here must have a daughter.
MARY BETH: Nah! Won't be the same.
PETRIE: I'll miss you, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: (in a broken voice) I'll miss you too, ...Marcus.
PETRIE: We'll see each other.
MARY BETH: Oh, of course we will. ...I better get back to work, (saluting) Sergeant.
(Petrie salutes back)
PETRIE: (to Isbecki) How about ...Flannery's tonight?
ISBECKI: Sure! All of us! So we'll get crazy!! Since you're the big shot, it'll be on you.
PETRIE: How about ...just you and me, partner?
ISBECKI: Great. Yeah, I'll cancel Ginger.
CHRISTINE: (into the phone) David, it sounds wonderful. But I think I'm er, going to have to go to a meeting tonight. ...Hm? ...I don't know. ...What? ...Yeah. ...I suppose you could come, but... ...Why don't you just stop by afterwards for a bite? OK? ...Yeah. ...Thanks, that's just how I feel right now about it. ...All right. I'll see you later. ...Bye.
MARY BETH: David still hassling you about taking you out for a meal?
CHRISTINE: Yeah. ...Thinking about it.
MARY BETH: That's a surprise.
SAMUELS: (coming from his office) Cagney!
CHRISTINE: Yes, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: ADA Feldberg just tipped me a wink about this thief, Cosmo Royle. He says you can't produce him all of a sudden.
CHRISTINE: One second. I wanna speak to Petrie before he goes.
MARY BETH: Cosmo Royle's dropped right out of sight, sir.
CHRISTINE: (shaking Petrie's hand as he and Isbecki leave) Congratulations.
MARY BETH: But we'll get him, sir.
SAMUELS: Well you twos have been dragging your heels on this for the last couple of months!!
MARY BETH: We haven't been able to hold him, sir, because...
CHRISTINE: ...ADA Feldberg says cut him loose.
SAMUELS: Well, he wants him now, so go get him!!
MARY BETH: Sir, we'll back on it first thing tomorrow. It was terrific on Petrie, huh?
SAMUELS: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he deserved it.
CHRISTINE: This means he'll be moving to another Precinct.
SAMUELS: I suppose. Yeah. (shouting as he goes back to his office) Well, find me this guy, Cosmo, and get Feldberg off my back!!


ISBECKI: (downing another drink) That's got nothing to do with it! I picked those guys out, Marcus. I mean, I knew something was gonna go down.
PETRIE: But then...
ISBECKI: It's worth thinking about that.
PETRIE: ... you jumped over three parked cars! Crashed through the storefront flashing your biceps. And then knocking down two hoods on your own, you came round pumping red-hot rounds from your Beretta until everybody that was still alive threw up their hands and prayed for mercy!
ISBECKI: You don't have to say that.
PETRIE: Lucky I wandered in to help you cuff them.
ISBECKI: Has the thought that I was a jerk only just come to you now?
PETRIE: You're not a jerk, Victor. You're ...proud of yourself, that's all.
ISBECKI: You too.
PETRIE: I feel like we're getting a divorce.
(Isbecki laughs and puts his arm round Petrie, hugging him. Petrie puts his arm round Isbecki)

[Laceys' kitchen]

MARY BETH: (putting a lid on a container) Chicken soup. It wasn't turkey. Not bad for something that old.
(as she is putting the container in the freezer, Harvey Jr. comes charging through the door and knocks her with it)
MARY BETH: You could warn a person!
HARVEY JR.: (waving Alice's bottle) She threw it at me, Mum, and hit me on the head!
MARY BETH: Well, perhaps she wants some more apple juice. It's on the top shelf behind your Super Bunko. (as Harvey Jr. roots around in the fridge) Hey, cut that with distilled water, because it will be too rich for her. (as Harvey Jr. mixes a fresh bottle) You know there's more to looking after a baby than sitting next to her and watching TV? (giving him a taste from another container) What is this? Is this spaghetti sauce or chilli.
HARVEY JR.: (catching the smell) Throw it away, whatever it is!
MARY BETH: Your generation knows absolutely nothing about saving for a rainy day. (Harvey Jr. goes back to Alice) I'll call that chilli. We got too much sauce already.
(there is a knock at the patio door)
JOSHUA BENSON: Mrs. Lacey! Mrs. Lacey!!
(Mary Beth throws back the curtain and opens the patio door)
MARY BETH: Hey, Joshua! Michael's at a ball game.
JOSHUA BENSON: It's not that, Mrs. Lacey, she's knocked out!
MARY BETH: Sure, honey. (shouting) Harvey! Lock up behind me. I'm going over the Bensons. I'll be right back. (she rushes out, then nips back and shouts) Put that stuff back in the freezer!

[Bensons lounge]

(there broken plates scattered all over the place. Rhonda Benson is laying on the carpet. Mary Beth kneels down)
MARY BETH: Mrs. Benson. Mary Beth Lacey from down the street. Can you talk? ...Mrs. Benson.
RHONDA BENSON: My husband and I... (suddenly trying to get up) It was my fault!
MARY BETH: (restraining her) No, no! Take it easy.
ARTHUR BENSON: (suddenly coming in holding something) What did you pay for this?!
(Joshua shouts out)
MARY BETH: (restraining Joshua) Police! Hold it right there, mister!!
ARTHUR BENSON: Get out of my house.
MARY BETH: (into phone) You tell your father, when he gets home, I'll call him from Queens Precinct when I get there. ...What? (Rhonda Benson is sitting with a flannel to her face. She has a cut lip and a bruise on her cheek) Take the clean one out of the box and change her. Is that good enough? ...All right! ..Good-bye. (she rings off) The Squad car should have been here half an hour ago.
ARTHUR BENSON: Maybe most cops aren't as eager as you are to bust into people's homes.
ARTHUR BENSON: I'm sorry. You're right, ...sweetheart. We'll let our lawyer handle this.
MARY BETH: You could call your lawyer when we get to the precinct.
ARTHUR BENSON: So you said.
RHONDA BENSON: Please, Mrs. Lacey, call them back off. This was really a misunderstanding. Look at us here.
MARY BETH: I am looking at you, Rhonda. You've got a split lip and bruises up the left side of your face and your eye is swelling up.
ARTHUR BENSON: She fell! The dishes fell on her. I told you if you hadn't come barging in here, I would have taken her to the hospital. As a matter of fact, if you wouldn't been so pig-headed then we could go there now.
RHONDA BENSON: I really don't wanna go to the hospital, I'm fine.
MARY BETH: The rule in New York is very specific regarding domestic violence. I'm required to make an arrest.
ARTHUR BENSON: You're a real piece of work, lady.
(there is a knock at the door)
ARTHUR BENSON: (comforting Joshua) It's OK, son. It's OK. OK, don't worry.
(another knock)
MARY BETH: (going to the door) Yeah!
UNIFORMED OFFICER: Police! (she opens the door. Two uniformed officers are there) Detective Lacey?
MARY BETH: (still in an apron) That's me. Where the hell have you been?

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: Marcus, why don't you talk to Samuels. He'll know what to do about it.
PETRIE: When did you start chewing gum?
MARY BETH: Today. It's a candy/doughnut standard substitute.
PETRIE: Diet? You? Why? You always look fine to me.
(Chris is on the phone trying to attract Mary Beth's attention)
MARY BETH: Don't ever leave here, Marcus.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Look, Karp, I said it's all taken care of, all right? I talked to Detective Nardone and The Bronx cops had forgotten all about ya, so give! ...Yeah, right. ...That's all you got! (she slams down the phone) He was gonna pick up Cosmo, but he wasn't able to find him. Cosmo's working. (picking up he handbag) Wanna go after him?
MARY BETH: Yeah. (as she gets her coat) Who's Detective Nardone?
CHRISTINE: He's a private detective, not theirs. Cute, eh?
MARY BETH: If you say so.
CHRISTINE: What have you got in you're mouth?!
MARY BETH: That's a rather personal question, Christine.
CHRISTINE: (as they go out past Petrie) Sergeant.

[Squad car]

CHRISTINE: So why didn't Uniforms take over after they got there?
MARY BETH: Oh, no! Nobody wanted to help out Detective Lacey. A feminine cop in her apron. No. I had to go down and book that creep myself. Thank God Droopneck wasn't on duty.
CHRISTINE: How's Mrs. Benson?
MARY BETH: OK, I guess. She just cannot pretend that nothing happened. Social Services are gonna give her a call. Their kid has certainly had a lousy childhood.
CHRISTINE: She should take that kid and get out of there.
MARY BETH: It's not that easy to walk away from your life.
CHRISTINE: There's shelters. There are places she can go.
MARY BETH: To tell you the truth, Christine, I am honestly sorry for that family and their problems, but it's my neighbourhood. It's my home. I wish they'd move some place else. That sounds pretty heartless, huh?
CHRISTINE: No. Not unless you wanna work twenty dollar a shift.


ERIC: Cosmo and I used to be together but I dumped him last year. (to a client working a machine) Margaret, sweetheart, pumping all day isn't gonna help unless you have some weights on. There, try it. Doesn't that feel better?
MARY BETH: Have you seen Cosmo since you dumped him?
ERIC: He used to pop in once in a blue moon, whenever he needed a free dinner, some extra cash, but I finally put a stop to that too.
CHRISTINE: So you have no idea where he might be?
ERIC: Well, he loves shopping. Try the pawnshops. He's always looking for a bargain.
MARY BETH: Your boyfriend is a thief, Mr. Eccles.
ERIC: Ex-boyfriend. And please call me Eric.
MARY BETH: Eric, we have reason to believe that your ex-boyfriend is not only dealing in stolen goods, but has moved into narcotics. He could be in big trouble.
ERIC: (to another client) What are you doing, Mr. Adlepin? (tipping the man upside down) There, maybe we can get some results now.
CHRISTINE: Come on, Eric. Has he called you recently? He's disappeared from sight and probably living with an old friend.
ERIC: Look, he's nothing but trouble and I won't have anything more to do with him. Don't just hang there, Mr. Adlepin. Lift!
MARY BETH: You must have known what Cosmo was doing for a living. Maybe you even helped him.
(Eric has picked up a bar and starts pumping weights)
CHRISTINE: You could be facing criminal charges your self, Eric.
ERIC: He told me he was working wholesale. Like most married couples we kept our money separate.
CHRISTINE: (as he pumps more vigorously) Fine. Now calm down now.
ERIC: He's liar and a leech and I don't know where he is. All right?!!
CHRISTINE: You don't have to bust a bicep.
MARY BETH: (presenting him with a card) Call us if you hear from him.
(he stops pumping. Chris tucks the card down his vest. They leave and he starts pumping again)

[Street outside the gymnasium]

CHRISTINE: I'm telling you, Mary Beth, Eric used the present tense every time he referred to Cosmo.
MARY BETH: The man is not dead, Christine, as far as we know.
CHRISTINE: Take it from a single person, when you break up with somebody, they're dead.
MARY BETH: David Keeler gets a lot of attention.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. We're good friends. (turning back towards a hotdog stand outside the gymnasium) All that exercise made me feel hungry. (to the vendor) Hi! Can I have a hotdog with everything on it?
MARY BETH: Are you taking David with you to an AA meeting?
CHRISTINE: No. it's not a social club, you know. ...Mary Beth, you don't wanna go. It's not a place for friends.
MARY BETH: I said if you wanted me there, you'd ask.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. It's OK. I appreciate you and you appreciate me and the best way I know to keep that appreciation going is to keep you out of the meeting.
MARY BETH: Sounds good to me. (to the vendor as she takes the hotdog) Can I have a root beer? I mean, I don't go to those meetings to entertain my friends.
MARY BETH: I can understand that.
CHRISTINE: (taking the can) Will you give me a break here? What, you wanna watch me share?
MARY BETH: Not if it would make you impossible.
CHRISTINE: Well it would. It would make me uncomfortable. OK? (Mary Beth nod) But right now I just wanna feel comfortable and healthy. (a tall, dark man walks past turning Chris's head) Good-looking guy! And that's the kind of healthy I could feel healthy with.
MARY BETH: That's important, Christine.

[Precinct House yard]

MARY BETH: (as they get out of the car) Oh, geeze, look at the time. It is time I should pick up Alice. (as Samuels comes out) Good night, sir.
SAMUELS: Hold it a second. Hold it a second.
CHRISTINE: It looks like the Cosmo search is warming up, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Oh, that's good. Good. Lacey, you got a minute?
MARY BETH: Certainly, sir. (to Chris) Excuse me.
(Chris goes in)
SAMUELS: These are not small time charges.
MARY BETH: What charges, Lieutenant?!
SAMUELS: Unnecessary force and abuse of authority. Your neighbour, he's some kind of real hard case.
MARY BETH: I guess you could say that, yes, sir.
SAMUELS: And his lawyer pressed for an immediate hearing in front of the Civilian Complaint Review Board. That could mean the next couple of days.
MARY BETH: Oh, sir, but...
SAMUELS: And if they penalise you, they can bust you back to Third-grade or Uniform or even off the Force.
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
SAMUELS: There isn't anything to these charges, is there?
MARY BETH: No sir!
SAMUELS: I didn't think so. You got a lawyer?
MARY BETH: Not yet, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: So you call the Detectives Endowment Association.
MARY BETH: I'm not so sure I need a lawyer, sir.
SAMUELS: Lacey, you listen to me. Get a lawyer!
MARY BETH: Thank you, sir.

[Laceys' veranda]

MARY BETH: (coming out carrying Alice) Fresh air'll be good for all of us, and we won't get any old soap bubbles on the furniture. (to Alice) Ain't that right, sweetie?
HARVEY: I don't get it, baby. You work your butt off all day... You come home here...
MARY BETH: Harvey!
HARVEY: Just a sec. Let me get this straight. You do your sworn duty when you're called to help a woman who was getting the hell beat out her by some two-bit end piece who calls himself her husband.
MARY BETH: You're scaring Alice.
HARVEY: Do you know what scares me? The Department says 'Sure, let's drag her in front of some kangaroo review board. Let this sick family take a whack at her. I mean, she's only given half her life to the Force, what does she matter'!
MARY BETH: It's easy, that's all, Harve. I did everything by the book over there. I've got my notes. That's what I'm gonna testify.(to Alice) Ain't that right, sweetheart? (blowing bubbles) Look at that. Look ...that! That's magic.
HARVEY: Alice knows you did right and I know you did right. But who knows what some paid-off official appointed my the Mayor and some half-dead old police captain who hasn't seen the streets since the potato famine, what are they gonna think?!
MARY BETH: Harve, why don't you hold the baby a minute?
(he takes Alice. She moans a bit)
HARVEY: Here. Come on, baby. Who the hell are these Bensons to do this to you, Mary Beth?
MARY BETH: That's exactly what I'm gonna find out tomorrow when I go down to the One-One-Nine. Nobody's stumping up for me. (to Harvey) Blow a bubble.
HARVEY: That's great. Detective Dupnik? If you're be lucky you'll have him testify for the Bensons. He'll be a big help. You need a lawyer, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: (tickling Alice's cheek) Look at this face, Harve. (to Alice) Detectives Endowment Association. They're gonna set me up with one of them tomorrow.
HARVEY: No. No. No. You are gonna get the best lawyer in town and I don't care what it costs.
MARY BETH: Lieutenant says about five thousand dollars.
HARVEY: (to Alice, blowing the bubbles from the bottle Mary Beth holds up) Look at the bubbles blowing away. Eh? How much did you say? (to Mary Beth) Five grand.
MARY BETH: I'll check it out. (blowing some more bubbles) I promise.
RHONDA BENSON: (coming up) Hi. Can we talk for a minute?
HARVEY: (leaving with Alice) Come on, doll face. Come on.
RHONDA BENSON: First I wanna apologise for this whole mess. It's really all a misunderstanding.
MARY BETH: I'm not sure I agree with you.
RHONDA BENSON: Honestly, I slipped and fell. The shelf of the cabinet broke and you saw the mess. And Josh, he um, just panicked.
MARY BETH: I saw your face, Rhonda. You were beaten. It still shows. You don't have to live your life this way.
RHONDA BENSON: Look, as soon as Arthur calms down, I'm sure he will withdraw the complaint if you will just drop the charges. Call whoever you have to call, please. Then the rest of it doesn't have to happen at all.
MARY BETH: I'm afraid that's not possible. And I wouldn't even do it if it was. You're the victim of a crime. You need help, so does your husband. I can give you a hotline number for battered women.
RHONDA BENSON: No, I don't want anything from you. Haven't you done enough already?!
ARTHUR BENSON: (coming up) Detective Lacey.
MARY BETH: Mr. Benson.
RHONDA BENSON: I was just explaining to Mrs. Lacey...
ARTHUR BENSON: Josh thought you might be here, Rhonda. Let's go home.
RHONDA BENSON: I was trying to reason with her.
ARTHUR BENSON: Run ...along.
HARVEY: (coming up) Get out of this house, mister.
ARTHUR BENSON: I came to take my wife home ...where you are to keep yours.
MARY BETH: Don't listen to him, Harve. Let it go.
HARVEY: (to Arthur Benson) Get out of here.
ARTHUR BENSON: I'm glad to! But from now on you keep the neighbourhood busybody at home.
HARVEY: Listen, jerk, I don't keep this woman anywhere. She goes where she pleases.
ARTHUR BENSON: (shouting) Like playing cop in my house!!!
HARVEY: She doesn't play, Benson. She is a cop and you're a criminal and you should be locked up!
MARY BETH: Harvey.
ARTHUR BENSON: Know this, lady. In a couple of days your badge isn't going to be worth spit.
(he takes Rhonda away)
MICHAEL: (coming out onto the veranda) Is there anything happening, Dad? What's going on?
MARY BETH: Everything is fine, honey. Don't worry.
MICHAEL: I was asking Dad, Mum. ...Dad?
HARVEY: As your mother said, Michael, everything is fine. Go and tell you brother dinner's ready.
(Michael goes in. Mary Beth puts her arms round his waist from the side)
MARY BETH: What is it, Harve, about men (she kisses him) ...and their antlers?
(he smiles and she snuggles up to him)

[Late night diner]

(they are at the cafeteria counter)
DAVID KEELER: Did the meeting go well tonight?
CHRISTINE: Do you know what I like about this place?
CHRISTINE: (downing something from the dish she has just got) They don't what lean means.
DAVID KEELER: Is that good?
CHRISTINE: With pastrami, fat is the point!
DAVID KEELER: You don't wanna talk about it. (pointing to the pastrami) You've got a little fat right there.
CHRISTINE: David, it was an excellent meeting. Right?! We a few some laughs. Somebody cried. I feel better. I hope they do?
CHRISTINE: David, I wish you'd leave it.
DAVID KEELER: I feel like you're keeping me at arm's distance, Chris.
CHRISTINE: (looking straight at him) We're practically nose-to-nose. Now!
DAVID KEELER: I can see it.
CHRISTINE: Obviously!
CASHIER: Eighteen dollars even.
DAVID KEELER: Ten fifteen, fifteen, eigh... Here you go.
CHRISTINE: (looking at David's tray) Aren't you eating?
(they sit at a table)
DAVID KEELER: Chris, I'll be frank. That's like I was buying when the going was damn rough and now you're treating me like a Quaker. Do you know what I mean?
CHRISTINE: I didn't know your friendship set a price, David.
DAVID KEELER: It doesn't.
CHRISTINE: Look, I can't look up anybody's timetable right now, all right?! I am just doing the best that I can and from day to day.
DAVID KEELER: I miss you. (they look at each other. Chris says nothing) Joke. Bad word.
CHRISTINE: Not so great. The CCRB's after Mary Beth's scalp.
DAVID KEELER: What happened?
CHRISTINE: What do you think?! Some sleaze ball throws the book at a great cop.
DAVID KEELER: Wait a minute!
CHRISTINE: What do you...
DAVID KEELER: Wait a minute!! The Civilian Complaint Review Board came about because some cops do go over board!
CHRISTINE: You are so full of it, David! This is Mary Beth we're talking about.
DAVID KEELER: And I'm just making a point about the system. Right!
CHRISTINE: (sweetly) Would you like some chocolate cake?
CHRISTINE: Good. More for me. (after a pause) Now why don't you give me your opinion ...and then I'll tell you the facts. (he smiles) See? It's just like old times.

[119th Precinct Detectives' Squad room]

DUPNIK: (comes in with Mary Beth) Do you know, Mrs. Lacey, I was thinking on the way to work this morning, for the last seven months, I have not hated my job. (he opens a filing cabinet drawer) 'Something is missing', I said. 'Something is lost'. A major irritant. And I couldn't think of what it was. (Mary Beth leans her arm on the filing cabinet with her hand dangling in the open drawer) And then came in. Tell me, how long has it been since we've seen each other?
MARY BETH: About seven months.
(Dupnik slams closed the filing cabinet drawer having taken a file out. Mary Beth has to move her arm quickly)
DUPNIK: Son of a gun!
MARY BETH: Detective Dupnik, I know that things haven't always gone smoothly between us, but I would like to set our past disagreements in the pas...
DUPNIK: Disagreements!! Oo, hoo, ha. That's putting it mildly, don't you think?
MARY BETH: I suppose. As a fellow police officer I would appreciate any that you can give me.
DUPNIK: Detective Lacey, I don't what it is about you, but when you ask, I can't say 'No'. Forget it. Maybe. Divorce comes to mind.
MARY BETH: It's like a cancer, wouldn't you say so? There must be an intelligent police officer around here some place.
DUPNIK: Detective Lacey! Detective Lacey, I am pulling your leg. (they laugh rather falsely) Look, er, I know what you're going through. I've been through three CCRBs myself.
MARY BETH: Only three?!
DUPNIK: Funny. Two in the uniform, one as a Detective. An easygoing guy like myself.
MARY BETH: Hard to figure.
DUPNIK: Hey, public servant equals public target.
MARY BETH: Ah ha. Do you think we can get down to work here and find something on the Bensons?
DUPNIK: Yeah, well, I was figuring you'd be coming in so I did some checking with our Desk Sergeant. The er, Bensons have no history of trouble in this Precinct.
MARY BETH: Come on! Nothing?! No nuisance calls, no disturbing the peace?
DUPNIK: Their kid don't throw rocks, their dog don't bark and their cat stays inside.
MARY BETH: The man bats his wife around like a racquet ball!!
DUPNIK: There's no record of that in our Precinct! ...However ...I did find some cross-refs on the computer, but they're twenty years old.
MARY BETH: Yeah, I know about them. Not much help there.
DUPNIK: Mrs. Lacey, if I was you, I'd get myself a fancy lawyer. Because these people couldn't be any cleaner if they were wrapped in plastic.
MARY BETH: What about the DEA Lawyers?!
DUPNIK: You're kidding! The way the boards are crucifying cops lately, the DEA lawyer just cuts you a deal.
DUPNIK: Not good for your record. Memory serves ...making deals is something that you ...are not particularly good at.
(Mary Beth half smiles)

[Samuels' office]

(thee is a knock at the door)
PETRIE: (coming in) Lieutenant.
PETRIE: I've been thinking about this Sergeant's post in Delancey.
SAMUELS: The Stolen Pizza Squad!
PETRIE: Right. I was thinking there might be a way for me to stay here at the Fourteenth.
SAMUELS: What, have you got a problem? Sit down.
PETRIE: Well, I understand your night section is a little on the stultified side.
SAMUELS: O'Keefe?!
SAMUELS: Yeah, he's the one other Squads resist.
PETRIE: As far as I understand, good sergeants can shine around here.
SAMUELS: Oh yeah.
PETRIE: I mean, look at Cagney.
SAMUELS: True. Six months, I figure, a year at the most, and she's got her own Squad.
PETRIE: Mm. And you'll be left without a second whip.
SAMUELS: I'll have to promote someone out of the night shift.
PETRIE: I thought, if I was home during the day, I could spend more time with Lauren.
SAMUELS: And Claudia wouldn't mind having you around a little more.
PETRIE: So what if O'Keefe moves to Delancey?
SAMUELS: And you take over as Sergeant on the midnight shift.
PETRIE: I sounded out O'Keefe.
SAMUELS: I've already run it by Knelman.
(they point at one another and laugh)

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: It's partly because I know she means so much to you but ...I don't expect anything from you in return. You understand?
MARY BETH: Morning. Sorry I'm late.
MARY BETH: Hi ya, David!
CHRISTINE: Good morning! You're just in time for some ...strange but good news.
MARY BETH: Well, I could use some of the 'Good' variety.
DAVID KEELER: I'd like to represent you at the CCRB. Free choice.
MARY BETH: That's... That's...
CHRISTINE: ...strange. But good.
DAVID KEELER: You'll need a strong lawyer these days. I should know. I've represented a few civilian complainers myself.
MARY BETH: Well... I... Um...
CHRISTINE: Well... He's ...good.
DAVID KEELER: Oh! Thank you.
CHRISTINE: Not at all.
MARY BETH: Well... (Chris makes a questioning nod) I accept.
MARY BETH: Thank you! (rushing to shake David's hand) Thank you very much!! You wouldn't believe the morning I had, dealing with this so-called Detective Dupnik.
DAVID KEELER: Excuse me, Sergeant.
(David Keeler takes Mary Beth off)
SAMUELS: (coming up) Cagney! Two things. One. Where is the DD5 cross-reference file?
CHRISTINE: You want it?
SAMUELS: Of course!
CHRISTINE: I forgot.
SAMUELS: Well, stop smiling! On my desk. Tomorrow by noon. You hear?! No excuses.
CHRISTINE: Yes, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: No excuses!
CHRISTINE: Yes, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Two. What is happening with this Cosmo?
CHRISTINE: Well, I think he's stepped into a sewer and floated away under the streets. The only possibility we have is his boyfriend. I think he may be hiding.
SAMUELS: Have you got enough for a search warrant?
CHRISTINE: No. But we could stake out his apartment.
SAMUELS: No way! I can't take three teams off the schedule.
CHRISTINE: Well, I know he's in contact...
BERNICE: (coming up to Samuels) Excuse me, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: No, no, no. Sorry. Wait a sec. (to Chris) Three seconds ago you said you had a feeling. All right?! You put pressure on the boyfriend to co-operate. Or you and Lacey watch him as much as you can yourself.
BERNICE: It's Inspector Knelman about that report.
SAMUELS: All right.
CHRISTINE: (shouting after Samuels) Lacey's got her CCRB tomorrow! (to herself) I couldn't ask her to do night watch.

[Squad car]

(at night)
CHRISTINE: Either Eric's asleep or he's doing push ups in the dark.
MARY BETH: (looking at some documents) Well, let's hope he's waiting on Cosmo.
CHRISTINE: Thanks for doing this.
MARY BETH: That's OK. I need a quiet place to go over this stuff anyway. Everybody at home is biting each other's heads off. You know, the more that I looked at this thing, the more I needed David to come along.
CHRISTINE: I checked the computer. I didn't find anything.
MARY BETH: Oh, thanks for trying. There's nothing there. Dupnik already checked.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, but the man has the mind of a gnat! He probably didn't spell Benson right. (Mary Beth smiles) Besides the computer can't do any more.
MARY BETH: That's all right.
CHRISTINE: At least you got a fancy lawyer.
MARY BETH: I'm not sure I understand why.
CHRISTINE: It's a very straight line. He wants to do this for you because he cares about me and therefore he cares about anything that I care about and he knows that I care about you. ...Straight line.
MARY BETH: Yeah. Straight line.
CHRISTINE: Eric's just turned on his kitchen light. ...Or maybe it's his bathroom.
MARY BETH: Well, he's either getting a drink of water or he's getting rid of one.
CHRISTINE: And the light went out. Geeze.
MARY BETH: (reading the document) I could have made a deal. I didn't have to fight this here.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, but you're a lousy doormat. Well, hey, maybe you should work on it. You know, lie down in front of some buses or something.
MARY BETH: Really? I thought I was being responsible. Lord, help me. I wanna do right. I wanna save the day.
CHRISTINE: Wear a white hat!
MARY BETH: Round up the bad guys.
CHRISTINE: You're all right, Mary Beth. Rhonda's damn lucky having someone looking out for her. Maybe she'll get out and help herself. Maybe she won't. But you? You'll be fine.
MARY BETH: Thanks, partner.
CHRISTINE: OK. Of course there was that one Sergeant out there on Staten Island that lost both his badges. Parking meters. Just the one complainant. (Mary Beth looks long and hard at Chris) Everything's a crapshoot!

[Precinct House yard]

PETRIE: Hey, what is this? The only place you can talk.
MARQUETTE: I needed privacy. Knelman tells me that you're cooking up some way of staying on at the Fourteenth.
PETRIE: That's correct, sir.
MARQUETTE: Do you think that's smart?
PETRIE: I wouldn't be doing it otherwise.
MARQUETTE: Well, take a look at it from where I'm standing. A higher-profile black detective gets the promotion and then bends himself out of shape getting on to the janitor shift. That doesn't sound very smart does it?
PETRIE: With all due respect, Inspector, I know what I'm doing.
MARQUETTE: Oh, I don't think you do. Like it or not, I can be of help to you.
PETRIE: I'm sure you can, sir. I'd like to get back to work.
MARQUETTE: Go ahead. ...But you might just want to hear about the Class-A position that opened up this morning.

[Outside the CCRB meeting room]

(Mary Beth pours herself a coffee and joins David Keeler)
DAVID KEELER: Take a couple of deep breaths, Detective. You're gonna do just great in there.
MARY BETH: It's easy for you to say. You're not the one they're gonna try and make look like an ogre.
DAVID KEELER: I said they're gonna try to make you look like that. Mary Beth, this is a game of perception. You wanna come off a little less like a cop, and more...
MARY BETH: a Mother Theresa! Yes, I should have worn something else, huh? I never should have gelled the hair.
DAVID KEELER: You look terrific, Mary Beth. The way you present your story is gonna count a lot. But more importantly, the Bensons have to look like liars.
MARY BETH: But they won't. They're gonna look like Ozzie and Harriet!
DAVID KEELER: Just stay calm, and let's do our best in there, OK?
USHER: Detective Lacey! We're ready to begin.

[Ladies room]

MARY BETH: I think people lie a lot more, Christine. On the streets they think they've seen the worst, but this Rhonda Benson. It was amazing. 'The floor must have been wet', she said. 'I slipped. The stack of plates I was holding fell on my face as I hit the floor'. Plates, Christine. And it was convincing. Little tears in her eyes. That husband of hers has her so scared.
CHRISTINE: But David was...
MARY BETH: He was... He was, cross my heart, Christine. But then she ...broke down and sobbed. Which made it worst.
CHRISTINE: Couldn't he call her to the stand...
MARY BETH: Then the creature from the deep crawled up there. The loving, psychopathic husband told an even wilder story. He looked so reasonable. 'Detective Lacey attacked me', he says. 'I couldn't defend myself. I don't hit women'. And the boy confirmed it. All of it! But who comes in ...on his white horse?
(Mary Beth stands there with her arms folded)
MARY BETH: Detective Harry Dupnik.
CHRISTINE: From the One-One-Nine?!!!
MARY BETH: Christine! (Chris screams) Harry brings cop memo books from the Bensons' old neighbourhood in Brooklyn!
MARY BETH: And David is very cool. Keeping his cards close to his chest. 'Mr. Benson,', he says, turning slowly on his heels. 'You say you don't hit women?' 'That's right', says Benson. But then, Christine he's looking at the papers that David got from Dupnik. He's nervous. And David ...smiles. Oh, Christine, he looked so handsome. Better looking than Harry Hammond , but of course, have you ever noticed on that show how Harry Hammond never smiles in court.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, will you cut to the chase?!
MARY BETH: 'Never once raised your hand in anger towards your wife?'. 'No!', says Benson. 'Not one time just to keep her in line?'. 'No', says Benson again. And then David looks him square in the eye, and Christine, he didn't look cool anymore. He looked mad as hell. But his voice, clear as a child, 'Not even on April eighth, nineteen seventy-two? Or November twenty-first, nineteen seventy-four? Or perhaps Christmas Day, nineteen seventy-eight?'.Suddenly Benson is flurried. 'What are you talking about?!' David bears down. 'These are copies of Officer's memo books, sir, detailing domestic violence calls made to your previous address in Brooklyn. From the reports. One, Rhonda Benson, bruised and dishevelled, refuses medical help. Two, Arthur Benson threatens his wife with, quote, A chop in the face. Three, Rhonda Benson, bloody nose, split lip, refuses medical help. Refuses to press charges against husband'. And now David is right in Benson's face. 'You do hit women, ...Mr. Benson. You have no record as a wife-beater simply, because police at that time, were not required to make an arrest. But record or not, a wife-beater is exactly what you are. And that is why Detective Lacey was in your kitchen. And that is why Detective Lacey put you ...under arrest'.
CHRISTINE: All right!!! (she applauds) Bravo!!

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: He was so wonderful, Christine.
CHRISTINE: I guess he can be.
MARY BETH: He knew the time to turn up the heat on Arthur Benson.
CHRISTINE: When's he due in court?
MARY BETH: Friday. Then will Rhonda stand up to that creep? (to a man sitting at her desk) Hello.
ERIC: Hello. Cosmo wants me to meet him again.
CHRISTINE: Really? (to Mary Beth) It's all business, in love or...


(the duo comes in)
MARY BETH: Mr. Royle! (he backs away) Long time no see.
CHRISTINE: Cosmo, stay loose.
MARY BETH: Come on over here.
CHRISTINE: Don't make me chase you now.
(Cosmo makes a run for it)
MARY BETH: (as they run after him) Had a different idea?!
CHRISTINE: (to swimmers) Out of the way!
MARY BETH: Police!
CHRISTINE: He's heading for the pool!
(there is a loud splash)

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (into phone, her hair still wet) Feldberg. We got that piece of garbage you wanted. (Mary Beth, also wet, is sorting herself out) Believe me, it wasn't easy. ...What? ...What?!! ...You changed your mind!!! ...You listen to me, you overbearing lunatic. ...No, I'm not gonna cut him loose!! (Mary Beth tries to indicate that she should calm down) I don't care if you don't care. (Mary Beth indicates deep breathing) I'm gonna come down there and string you up by your, by your ...clip-on tie!!! ...What?!! ...Feldberg?!! ...Hello! (she slams the phone down)...Damn it!!! He said,...
MARY BETH: I heard.
(Chris is still ranting in the background)
PETRIE: I already told you ...I'm sorry. Marquette made me an offer I can't refuse.
ISBECKI: So you really are a fast-tracker. ...You'll probably never get back down here.
PETRIE: Sure. Sorry. It's happened. It's generous offer.
ISBECKI: Yeah. ...We never did that double date.
PETRIE: Right! We'll do a dinner and a movie.
ISBECKI: You got it, partner.
PETRIE: Look, I'd better pack up.
ISBECKI: I'll give you a hand...
PETRIE: ...clearing my desk.
ISBECKI: Right. Yeah, the first thing we'll need is a box to throw ...this crap in.
PETRIE: That's teamwork.
SAMUELS: (coming out of his office) Listen up, everybody! For a while it looked like Petrie's promotion wouldn't mean that he'd have to leave us. (looking at the wet duo) But when you're as good as cop as he is, the Brass tends to have big plans for ya. So beginning tonight, Sergeant Petrie is second-in-command at the Uptown Mobile Narcotics Task Force.
(Samuels shakes Petrie's hand) Congratulations. (the Squad room breaks out into applause) We're gonna miss ya, Marcus. I'm real sorry it couldn't work out.
PETRIE: Me too, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Good luck.
ESPOSITO: Hey, when's the party, Marcus?
PETRIE: Next week. You got it.
CORASSA: (shaking his hand) I'll catch up on you on major occasions, right?
PETRIE: Right on.
CORASSA: Take it easy.
CHRISTINE: Petrie. (shaking his hand) You will be great.
MARY BETH: (shaking his hand) Yes, we're very proud of you.
COLEMAN: (coming up) Harvey on line two for you, Lacey. (to Petrie) Congratulations.
PETRIE: Thanks, Sergeant.
MARY BETH: Call me next week, we'll get our families together for dinner.
PETRIE: OK. Great. (pulling Chris back) Hey, just a minute. (he takes a box from Isbecki) Chris, there's always been a bit of ...friction between us.
CHRISTINE: I wouldn't say that, Petrie.
PETRIE: I wanna say this. You're tough. And you're fair. And you're the best Sergeant I've ever seen. And I hope I turn out as good as you.
CHRISTINE: Thanks. ...Hey, you may be better!
(they look at one another and smile)
SAMUELS: Cagney!!! I'm still waiting for those cross-references!!!
CHRISTINE: Just a minute. I'm doing them, Lieutenant. They're on my desk. (Petrie is nodding his head and smiling. She shakes his hand) Good luck to you, Marcus. I mean it.
PETRIE: Thanks, Chris.
MARY BETH: (with the phone to her ear) I'll call you, Marcus. (into phone) Harvey, it was my fault. I'm the one that labelled the chilli. Call it Italian arrabbiata. What do I care. ...Harve, I'm standing here in a huge puddle of my own making.
ISBECKI: (coming up to Petrie, who is packing. He puts a couple things in the box) And two bucks I owe ya. Are you all packed up?
PETRIE: Yeah. I'd better be going.
ESPOSITO: Victor, line three for you. ...Vic...
ISBECKI: Yeah, I'll take it.
PETRIE: I'll see you later.
(Isbecki goes to take the call)
MARY BETH: (into the phone) Oh don't yell at me? I'm standing here, soaking wet. (Petrie picks up his box to leave) Have you ever done an arrest in a wet hair Harvey?
(at the door he turns and takes in the sights and the sounds of the Squad room for the last time)

<Back to the episode listing

Cagney & Lacey and related marks are trademarks of Metro Goldwyn Meyer. Copyright 1981, Present. The Cagney & Lacey web pages on this site are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.