Happiness Is a Warm Gun
Original Airdate: March 23, 1987

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Corassa is counting piles of dollar bills)
ISBECKI: I'm almost finished, Cagney?
CHRISTINE: Great! (to Corassa) Figures there? I'll be back, Isbecki.
CHRISTINE: How much?
ISBECKI: One hundred and twelve thousand, six hundred and sixty. This could buy me a little piece of Texas. A bar, just for me and Ginger.
CHRISTINE: Or a little piece of Attica. Petrie?
PETRIE: Seventy-three thousand, four hundred and eighty-five dollars. That's about what a Ferrari 328 would cost. Preferably a red one.
CHRISTINE: You sound like Esposito. Esposito!?
ESPOSITO: What is on your wish list, Cagney?
CHRISTINE: Don't you understand, Esposito, you only get out of life what you put into it?
ESPOSITO: Get out of town! I'd put all of this into real estate. Residential lots on Staten Island.
SAMUELS: (coming up) Cagney, move the cash into my office. The Property Inspector's coming to pick it up. (to Cagney) Let's have the paperwork.?
CHRISTINE: I put them down here, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Three hundred and twenty thousand?
CHRISTINE: (giving him her clipboard) Right on.
SAMUELS: I remember when all we found was lollipops.
(Samuels goes off. Chris goes back to her desk where Mary Beth has a visitor, Cale Spencer)
MARY BETH: Mr. Spencer, my partner, Sergeant Cagney.
CHRISTINE: Mr. Spencer. (shaking his hand and smiling) How do you do?
MARY BETH: Mr. Spencer's car was broken in to. He's visiting from Virginia.
CHRISTINE: Oh Too bad you had to come all this way to get ripped off.
CALE SPENCER: Agreed, but I can see there are ...compensations. Do you like racing? (he moves from sitting by Mary Beth's desk to sitting by Chris's) I've got a horse running at Aqueduct. Do you think you could be my guest?
CHRISTINE: I would have to check my schedule to see if I had an open day. Where do you go back to?
CALE SPENCER: A small town. It's a Russian automatic. I'm a collector.
CHRISTINE: Well, I'm sure in horse country, it's fine.
CALE SPENCER: Call me Cale.
CHRISTINE: Yes. But possession of a handgun without a permit in New York City is against the law.
CALE SPENCER: It's not exactly a Saturday night special!
MARY BETH: The law applies to all handguns, Mr. Spencer.
CALE SPENCER: Well, the only reason I brought it with me was to show another collector. A friend of mine in New Jersey.
MARY BETH: Yes sir. Well, we have your statement and your local telephone number.
CALE SPENCER: I'm sure you're all very busy.
CHRISTINE: We'll keep you...
CALE SPENCER: But the PSM is very special. It's a beautiful piece.
CHRISTINE: Well, we'll certainly do our best.
CALE SPENCER: Promise me you'll check that schedule of yours.
CHRISTINE: Oh, I promise.
CALE SPENCER: I hope you mean it.
(he chuckles and leaves)
MARY BETH: He's single.
CHRISTINE: I was looking at the suspects' descriptions, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Yeah, one punk, one straight looking. Mr. Spencer said that after he parked the car, they offered to wipe it for him for five bucks. He gave them two. They were no bargain. (coming to sit by Chris) You're eyes are red.
CHRISTINE: Yes. I've got a little head cold.
MARY BETH: Southern accents are sexy, especially on men who own racehorses.
COLEMAN: (coming in) All right everybody, listen up. An off-duty detective from Brooklyn has been killed. He was shot trying to stop a store robbery. The perp's been hit but he escaped.
CHRISTINE: What's his name, Coleman?
COLEMAN: It hasn't been released yet.
PETRIE: (picking up the phone) I know a guy in Brooklyn. I'll phone him.
SAMUELS: (coming up) Hold it, everybody, hold it. We're jamming their lines. I spoke to their Squad Commander. There's a wounded perp loose. Whoever's catching standby here, everybody else is free to go to Brooklyn. (as the duo get up) Wait a second!! They want everybody going out there wearing bullet-proof vests! Isbecki!!! (as he rushes out) Don't go hot-dogging! You wear your vest!!
ISBECKI: Yes sir!

[Charlie's apartment]

NEWSREADER: The search for the killer of the off-duty detective continues in Brooklyn at this hour. On the eleven o'clock news we'll be updating the Brooklyn manhunt story. Stay tuned for complete coverage...
(there is a knock at the door)
CHARLIE: Hey, Chrissie!
(he turns the volume down)
CHRISTINE [OC]: Open up!
CHARLIE: Yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming. (he opens the door) Hey, babe.
CHRISTINE: Hi, Pop, how we doing? All right?. I was over this way.
CHARLIE: It's all over the TV. I figure you'd be out here beating the butchers. I've got some nice hot soup for you I made in that crock thing you gave me.
CHRISTINE: Oh, great.
CHARLIE: Come on! Park your garbage and put your tootsies up, right here. (picking up a glass next to which is a whisky bottle) I er, I had a couple before you came. I was just a little worried about you.
CHRISTINE: You don't have to explain, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Yeah. Soup! Soup!! So! How did it go? Did you get the perp?
CHRISTINE: No, not yet. When we've ID'ed him, we'll turn him up.
CHARLIE: Do you know the cop that got shot?
CHRISTINE: Danby. No, I didn't.
CHARLIE: I made a few phone calls. Real sharp kid. Real heads-up cop. OK. (bringing the soup) Here you are. Hot soup.
CHRISTINE: It's hot in here.
(she takes off her sweater)
CHARLIE: Oh! No wonder you looked so chunky. I thought you might be pregnant or something.
CHRISTINE: Charlie. Charlie. It's obvious. (he laughs. She is still wearing her bullet-proof vest. Taking it off) It's been a week or two... Words out that Danby had an unauthorised gun.
CHARLIE: Oh, that's so much bull! The bad guys are carrying bazookas out there. A cop should be able to use whatever he needs to finish the job. In the old days there used to be just one gun. A thirty-eight. They had it, we had it. Even Steven.
CHRISTINE: (about the soup) Mm! It's nice soup, Pop.
CHARLIE: (tapping the bullet-proof vest) Boy, these things are a lot lighter than they used to be.
(Chris picks up the whiskey bottle and pours herself a slug)
CHRISTINE: Yes, well, it's all changed.
CHARLIE: So has the job, Chris.

[Laceys' hallway]

(Mary Beth comes in. She sets the security alarm)
HARVEY: Hi ya, babe. How is Brooklyn?
MARY BETH: Nothing yet. How are the kids?
HARVEY: They're fine. They're sleeping. (they embrace. He chuckles) You feel like Yogi Bear with that vest on.
MARY BETH: Yeah? You never told me about you and him, Harvey.
HARVEY: Yeah, well I had a life before I met you, Mary Beth. Mm hm.
MARY BETH: Yeah, the kids in the your neighbourhood. Memorable.
(going into the kitchen)
HARVEY: Oh, honey, I assure you, they were virtuous women. (he picks up a leaflet from the table) This is gonna be a great time for the trip. The place that we're going, The King's Inn. A Jacuzzi in every room. The kids are gonna love it.
MARY BETH: Oh, gee, honey, I don't know. Looks kind of formal.
HARVEY: Forget it, Mary Beth. No more motels, two ninety-eight for us.
MARY BETH: What? Is this the return of Diamond Jim Lacey?
HARVEY: All I want is for us to enjoy the trip. We can afford it. Come on, we'll decide everything together.
MARY BETH: Well, you go ahead and plan, Harve. I will decide tomorrow. 'Cos I'm gonna go upstairs, take this off, get a shower and study till midnight.
HARVEY: I'll come with you.
MARY BETH: I'm gonna study, Harvey! This grade is important to me.
HARVEY: I heard you, but when you've finished ...I'll show you a few things that old Yogi did with his chest protector.
(she backs out of the kitchen and closes the door in his face)

[Samuels' office]

CHRISTINE: (looking at a document) Firearms inspection?!!
SAMUELS: Yeah. Post a notice in the Squad room. I don't want anyone surprised by it.
CHRISTINE: Well, you better send Isbecki a telegram!
SAMUELS: And I don't want you finding anything but regulation thirty-eights.
SAMUELS: You, Sergeant.
(there is a ping from his microwave)
SAMUELS: Pot roast done.
CHRISTINE: At this hour of the morning!
SAMUELS: (taking it out of the microwave) Why not? When you're hungry, you eat.
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant, do you expect us to find anything unpredictable here?
SAMUELS: You've got it all figured out, huh, Cagney? Danby's gun was non-regulation. That's why he's dead. Too light. He hit the perp twice, and the creep was still able to kill him with one round from his forty-five.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: Most stolen property is never recovered, Mr. Spencer, and guns are the hardest. Everybody out there wants a gun.
CALE SPENCER: Well, that PSM is almost a museum piece!
MARY BETH: Well, even if we recover it, sir, it's still an illegal weapon.
CALE SPENCER: This may be New York, Detective, but it's still America and my gun is my property! (chuckling) Oh, it's just a technicality. I'm sure we can arrange something. Hey, Lacey, back home (reaching in his pocket and pulling out a shield with a star on it) I'm an honorary sheriff.
MARY BETH: How nice.
(Esposito comes in)
PETRIE: What's the news from Brooklyn, Manny?
ESPOSITO: Oh, this jerk is still loose and they're just standing in line to give him up. (to Corassa) And even his mother called up to find out about a reward.
CHRISTINE: (coming out of the office waving the document) From Inspector Knelman. Required reading for one and all.
CORASSA: What's up?
CHRISTINE: Asking is not reading, Corassa.
ISBECKI: It's probably that mandatory CPR thing. I'm already qualified. Especially the mouth-to-mouth part.
CHRISTINE: If I'm having a coronary and you're the only one around, Isbecki, ...let me die.
ESPOSITO: (reading the document) Wow, a gun inspection!! I'm touched by the Inspector's concern.
PETRIE: Well, I'm still waiting for his concern after Newman was shot.
(Spencer gets up as Chris comes back to her desk)
CHRISTINE: Oh! Something else missing from your life, Mr. Spencer?
CALE SPENCER: Cale! This place is ...irresistible.
MARY BETH: Cale Spencer dropped by to see if we'd turned up anything.
CHRISTINE: Oh, I hope you're not counting on seeing your stolen property, Cale.
CALE SPENCER: Oh, I'm hopeful. That's a Spencer trait.
CHRISTINE: That can lead to disappointment.
CALE SPENCER: Not very often. How about some fun, Sunday? Sports shooting. Targets and things. Friends of mine in Connecticut are hosting a barbeque shoot-up.
CHRISTINE: Are these guns that work, Cale?
(Mary Beth goes to the coffee table)
CALE SPENCER: Oh, these are smoking bullets. Have you ever fired an automatic weapon? It's pretty exciting stuff, trust me.
CHRISTINE: Automatics?! Like a machine gun?
CALE SPENCER: Oh, they're legal with the Federal authorities.
(Spencer laughs)
CHRISTINE: Hard to say 'No'! ...But I must.
CALE SPENCER: Well, another time then. Please, call me if you hear anything about my gun.
CHRISTINE: Oh, sure to. (he shakes her hand) Goodbye.
(Mary Beth giggles. Chris goes to join her)
MARY BETH: Guns are the story today.
CHRISTINE: (picking up a brochure) You're going to spectacular, colonial Williamsburg?
MARY BETH: Yeah, over the Easter weekend Harvey and I thought we'd drive the family down.
CHRISTINE: Can Harvey Jr. bear to be separated from Tiffany?
MARY BETH: That's one of the reasons we're taking this trip. Between school and his teenage infatuation I hardly see him anymore. And the same thing could be true about Michael in a year or two.
CHRISTINE: You see, they're just beginning the game and I'm in the final innings.
MARY BETH: Seventh innings, Chris.
COLEMAN: (coming up with a document) It's right up your alley, Cagney. Robbery and a shooting in a grocery store in Grand Street. The cashier got hit.
CHRISTINE: Right! Things are looking up.

[Grocery store]

(the cashier is wheeled out with an oxygen mask on)
MR. BELL: ...He got the cash.
CHRISTINE: Can you tell me what happened? Every thing that you remember.
MR. BELL: It was over in a minute. I'm over there stacking soups. This kid, a punk with blue hair and chains, sticks this funny looking gun in Elsie's face. She gives him the few dollars from the register, and when she reaches for the cash box, he shoots her. Twice!
CHRISTINE: When you mean, 'Funny looking'?
MR. BELL: It was a small automatic with the barrel kind of flared at the end.
CHRISTINE: Do you remember anything else?
MR. BELL: This kid is cold. After he shoots her, he grabs the change from the register and he's gone. Pfft!
(Mary Beth has been searching on the floor by the cash point)
MARY BETH: Sergeant. (holding a spent shell in a pair of tweezers) I think we ought to call your Southern gentleman.

[Samuels' office]

CHRISTINE: The description match perfectly, Lieutenant. The kid stole the gun from Cale Spencer's car and we got the boy's name from a Sergeant Galley.
MARY BETH: And the punk, the one who calls himself Ghost. He used on the groceries'.
SAMUELS: Ghost?!!! They don't usually shoot people!
MARY BETH: His real name is Neil Statler. We have an address for the mother on East 13th.
SAMUELS: What about the other one?
MARY BETH: Sergeant Galley says his name is Petey. He's a runaway from Ohio. The two have been on the streets together for about seven months.
CHRISTINE: Anything new on the cop killing, Lieutenant?
SAMUELS: No. Do you want us to pursue this or go back to Brooklyn.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, Yeah. Go to Brooklyn.
CHRISTINE: Thank you.
SAMUELS: Vests!!
MARY BETH: Yes sir.

[Precinct House front desk]

MARY BETH: What's the matter?
CHRISTINE: This damned vest. It feels like a breezeblock.

[Corridor outside the Statler's apartment]

(Mary Beth knocks. The door opens)
MARY BETH: Police. Mrs. Statler? (she nods) I'm Detective Lacey. This is Sergeant Cagney.
JACK BOOKLEY: (appearing from inside the apartment) What's going on?
CHRISTINE: We're police, Mr. Statler.
JACK BOOKLEY: Our boy's at church. What's he done?
MRS. STATLER: Please Jack. This is Mr. Bookley. My friend.
CHRISTINE: (to Mrs. Statler) Is your son, Neil, at home?
JACK BOOKLEY: He should have been thrown out months ago. The scum's a little creep. (to a neighbour who has opened the door of the apartment opposite) Hey, mind your business, you!
(the man closes the door)
CHRISTINE: Mrs. Statler, do you mind if we come in?
JACK BOOKLEY: Oh, I'm bushed, lady. I'm going to sleep. The kid's a bum. All he ever did around here was to was hang on to her apron strings and give his mother grief.
MARY BETH: (handing over a card) It's important, Mrs. Statler. Will you please call us if you see or hear from Neil.
JACK BOOKLEY: He's a punk.
(Jack Bookley goes inside the apartment)
MRS. STATLER: Neil's not a bad kid. He just doesn't think sometimes. And he and Jack...
JACK BOOKLEY: (shouting) Nadine!!!
(she closes the door)
CHRISTINE: See, Mary Beth, it's what I keep telling you. All the good men are taken.

[Outside Street House]

(the sign says "You are always welcome here". Youths are cleaning a van. The duo comes up trying to stop a young boy walking away from them)
PETEY: I don't know.
MARY BETH: Don't you walk away from me. (he shouts back at them. Mary Beth grabs him by the ear) Don't give us a hard time here. The both of you have been seen on the streets.
PETEY: I don't always see him.
CHRISTINE: Oh, kid, get smarter. (Chris offers him a card) Here.
MARY BETH: You call us when he shows up.
PETEY: He's my friend.
FATHER GERRY: (coming up and giving the boy a basketball) You go, Petey.
CHRISTINE: A hell of a friend.
FATHER GERRY: Well it works. Out on the street he always looks after Petey. The smart ones survive.
CHRISTINE: Oh, I've heard this story too, Father.
FATHER GERRY: You come here to pick him up?
CHRISTINE: What about their victims. They get a gun and they think they're big-time.
FATHER GERRY: Some people get that gun for protection. Out there they're victims too.
CHRISTINE: (offering him the card) Do you wanna call us when Ghost shows up, Father?
FATHER GERRY: I'll call you next time I see him.
MARY BETH: So long, Father.
CHRISTINE: (as the duo walks off) Bleeding hearts everywhere.
MARY BETH: That kid, Petey, is a lost cause already.

[Laceys' kitchen]

(Harvey is pouring his spaghetti sauce from a pan into a fridge container)
MARY BETH [OC]: Anyone home?!
HARVEY: Sweetheart!
MARY BETH: (coming in) Do you know, Harvey, sometimes when I come home and you say 'Sweetheart'? I wonder if you're sure it's me.
HARVEY: Who else?! Eh? (he goes over and embraces her) Sweetheart. Give us a kiss. Sweetness.
MARY BETH: Yeah, that's far enough, Harvey. (she tastes the sauce) Mm. (they have a quick peck) Mm!
HARVEY: You wait till I'm using tomatoes from our own garden. How come you're not in Brooklyn?
MARY BETH: We were on our on way there, but it came on the radio. They found the guy dead in Prospect Park. Loss of blood.
HARVEY: Pity. One more creep who got away with killing a cop.
MARY BETH: The cop's still dead.
HARVEY: Hey, come on, sit down, I'll make you some supper. (picking up the bullet-proof vest) You finally finished with this?
MARY BETH: No. We're still looking for a kid with a gun. Where's our kids?
HARVEY: Alice is supposed to be sleeping. Only I heard her a minute a go. (Mary Beth goes to the door anxiously to see if she can hear her) Michael is supposed to be studying maths, only I heard his Springstein record in his room. Harvey is supposed to be at the library with Tiffany only I guess they're probably...
MARY BETH: Oh, give me a break.
HARVEY: Yeah. Hey, Mary Beth, I had a great idea about the Easter trip.
MARY BETH: Do you want me to go to Paris and Muriel take the kids to Williamsburg?
HARVEY: That's not a bad... Anyway, I'm looking at the Auto Club map. What catches my eye? Washington! Philadelphia. Valley Forge. Great places! The boys would love to see 'em.
MARY BETH: Harvey. Between going and coming back, we'll be in the car the whole time!
HARVEY: We go this Summer, when school's out. That way we take our time. We do it right. Plus maybe we could er, stop a night in that hotel and in Pennsylvania. The one that Arty talks about. The one with the er, jungle motifs and the ...vibrating bed. Mm?
MARY BETH: Harvey, do you realise that you get this way every time you make spaghetti sauce?
HARVEY: Really?! (Mary Beth nods) What way? (he moves closer) Beautiful.
MARY BETH: Put that on hold, Harvey. I'm hungry.
HARVEY: Me too.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Chris comes in looking pretty glum. She takes a bottle of aspirin handed to her by Mary Beth on her way to the chalkboard)
SAMUELS: (coming out of his office) Cagney.
CHRISTINE: Morning, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: There was a time when nobody came in here after Lacey. Are you two changing the act?
CHRISTINE: Sorry, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Here's the Squad's cards. Check the guns.
CHRISTINE: Today?!!!
SAMUELS: Now, Cagney. My card's not there. I already inspected it myself. I'll do you when you're finished.
CHRISTINE: OK, everybody, listen up. This is not a drill. Prepare for weapons' inspection. Esposito, you're up first.
ISBECKI: (putting a sheet of paper he is holding over his gun holster) Cagney, are you serious?
CHRISTINE: Very. Isbecki, where are you going?
ISBECKI: Right back.
CHRISTINE: OK, Manny, what you got? Seven-three-six-oh-two. OK. (pointing to the gun handle) What is that?
ESPOSITO: Oh, you have an eye for class. Mother of Pearl, tastefully monogrammed with my initials.
CHRISTINE: Esposito, that is somewhat tacky. Regulations say the original grip only. That would be rubber, wood or plastic, so have it fixed by Friday.
ESPOSITO: Tacky!!! You're telling me to wear plastic?
CORASSA: (showing her his gun) Right.
CHRISTINE: According to this card you have a Smith and Wesson. That is a Colt.
CORASSA: Oh, right. (putting his left foot up on his desk and taking a gun from a holster on his leg) Left-hand weapon W, six, ...oh-one-four-two.
CHRISTINE: Right brand, wrong number.
CORASSA: Oh, right.
(he puts his right foot up on his desk and takes a gun from a holster on that leg and gives it to Chris)
CHRISTINE: That says W, four-seven-one-oh-one. Third time lucky.
ESPOSITO: (to Corassa) Next time the weather report says light, leave a few of those home.
BERNICE: (coming up) I like a man who's heavily armed, Al. (giving Chris a piece of paper) Christine, this is the Ballistics report.
CHRISTINE: Give it Lacey, will ya?
MARY BETH: (to Bernice) What is that?
BERNICE: Ballistics.
MARY BETH: Oh, Good for you. Thanks.
(Chris notices what look likes a non-standard weapon in Bernice's holster)
CHRISTINE: (sweetly) Victor! You're up.
ISBECKI: Yeah, You know, Cagney, I seem to remember a serial number problem on my card that I never got quite correct.
CHRISTINE: Nice try. Let's not prolong the pain, Victor. I know that is not usually a problem among best buddies, but as of today, your buddy has retired.
ISBECKI: Look, Cagney, I just want to wear it for a couple more days.
CHRISTINE: Victor!! A nine-millimetre is against regulations. If I see it again, I'm gonna write you up. Now give that gun back to Faverty!
ISBECKI: I'm not going out with a peashooter like Danby!
(Petrie shows her his gun)
CHRISTINE: Danby didn't have a peashooter.
(Petrie's gun checks out)
PETRIE: Victor, after the inspection, Cagney gets slashed if you get caught.
ISBECKI: Come on, face up to it, Marcus. My Beretta protects you too.
PETRIE: My hero.
CHRISTINE: I need a coffee.
(Chris goes up to Mary Beth, who hands her a coffee. She has her gun ready for inspection)
MARY BETH: Did you have a sleep, Chris?
CHRISTINE: (glancing at the gun Mary Beth has proffered) You get an A.
MARY BETH: Ballistics confirmed the grocery cashier was shot and killed with a PSM.
CHRISTINE: It didn't take long for Cale's antique to get dirty, did it?
(Mary Beth's phone goes)
MARY BETH: (into phone) Detective Lacey, Fourteenth. ...Calm down, Mrs. Statler. (Chris pops a couple of pills and downs them with the coffee) ...All right. ...We'll check on it. ...Thank you. (she rings off) Sergeant.
MARY BETH: Mrs. Statler's neighbour called her at work. She said she thought she saw Neil on the roof.
CHRISTINE: Great!! (putting the gun record cards in her desk) I'll do this later. ...Let's go!!!
MARY BETH: Vests, Christine!
CHRISTINE: Oh! I went by Charlie's and must have forgotten it.
MARY BETH: We'll call by and pick it up.
CHRISTINE: We'll lose the kid. Forget it. Let's move!

[Roof of the Statlers' apartment block]

(as Mary Beth eases open the door from the stairs there is a sound of breaking glass. Two boys are throwing stones at windows. The taller youth, Neil Statler, throws another stone)
NEIL STATLER: Oh, look, I hit the top of that!
PETEY: No, you did not.
(as the youths continue to throw, the duo comes up quietly behind them)
MARY BETH: Hello, fellas.
CHRISTINE: (showing her shield) Police! We want you to stay calm. We'd like to talk to you.
NEIL STATLER: (making a break for it) Go, Petey, go!
(Chris goes for Neil and struggles to control him. Mary Beth wrestles Petey to the ground)
MARY BETH: Put you face on the floor! ...Face downwards!
(Chris is struggling with Neil. Mary Beth goes to her assistance and they cuff Neil)
PETEY: No!!!
MARY BETH: Get down there!
PETEY: Don't lie down!!
(he picks up a gun from a roof vent)
PETEY: Don't lie down!! Stop!!!
(he shoots Mary Beth and then drops the gun. Chris steadies Mary Beth. Chris draws her gun and rushes to Petey)
CHRISTINE: Get down!!! (cuffing him) If you move I'll kill ya! (rushing back to Mary Beth, she shouts out to somebody leaning out of a window in an adjoining block) Ring the police!!! An ambulance on nine-one-one!! (Mary Beth screams with pain) Are you all right?! ...Don't move. Let me see you. (Mary Beth screams again) Mary Beth! (as Chris looks for the wound Mary Beth screams again) Hold still.

[Laceys' dining room]

SAMUELS: How ya feeling, Lacey?
MARY BETH: It's a cracked rib, sir. The vest took the impact.
SAMUELS: But you know, getting shot is different. You've gotta give yourself time. You know. ...To deal with it. You know. ...All of it.
MARY BETH: I understand, sir.
SAMUELS: Did you speak to Psychological Services?
MARY BETH: No, sir. Sergeant Cagney brought me home before they got to the hospital. I don't think it's necessary, sir.
SAMUELS: It's mandatory. ...And for good reasons. Cagney's down there seeing them now.
MARY BETH: Crazy. It's a normal day. You do a good job and go home. ...Hopefully not too late. ...I can't figure out why I don't wanna quit.
SAMUELS: Lacey, I've read all the reports. You did a good job.
HARVEY: (coming in) Then how did it happen? Somebody must have done something wrong.
MARY BETH: Harve, there was nothing like that. I mean, sometimes you do everything right and these things still happen. A kid with a gun.
SAMUELS: Firearms Review Board is gonna confirm everything was by the book. Down the line this could mean Detective, Second-grade for you, Lacey.
MARY BETH: Well, that would something, wouldn't it, Harve?
HARVEY: It sure would. You're been a good cop all these years. But it takes almost getting killed to get what you've already earned. Great job, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: You're upset, Harvey, and I know how you feel.
HARVEY: No, you don't. Nobody ever shot your wife.
SAMUELS: But somebody shot one of my detectives. ...And I care! Getting shot, Harvey, it ...happens in this job.
MARY BETH: It's not the Lieutenant's fault, Harvey.
HARVEY: Don't tell me about this job. I've been up enough nights to know. I'm only grateful my wife happened to be wearing her vest.
MARY BETH: It didn't just happen. I wear it when I should.
SAMUELS: Your wife is alive because she did all the right things yesterday. ...Well, I think I'm gonna be late. I'd better get going.
MARY BETH: (at the door as Samuels puts his coat on) Lieutenant,...
SAMUELS: Yeah? ...Now you take as long as you want here, ...Lacey. And anything you need, ...call me.
MARY BETH: Thank you, sir.
SAMUELS: I'm glad you're OK. You did good work. I'm very proud of you.
(Samuels goes. Harvey comes up to her)
HARVEY: He looks at you and all he sees is a cop.
MARY BETH: Harvey, if you ask me to choose between you and the job, it will always be you.

[Detectives' Squad room]

ESPOSITO: (coming up to Chris) Hey Cagney, tell Mary Beth, I'll give her fifty bucks for her vest now we know that it works. I'll give you sixty if it's your vest. OK?
PETRIE: (coming up to Chris with a lunch list he is making) Sergeant Cagney, we're all in the office.
CHRISTINE: No, thank you, Petrie, I'm going out.
PETRIE: You look a little rocky today. You should have taken a sick day too.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth took the hit and I just took the perp.
PETRIE: Not good.
CALE SPENCER: (comes in) I was shocked when I read about the shooting.
CALE SPENCER: How is Detective Lacey doing?
CHRISTINE: She has a cracked rib. She'll be all right.
CALE SPENCER: Well thank God for those vests. I am impressed. Most beautiful women would be sobbing their hearts out, but here you are, back at work already.
CALE SPENCER: When the newspapers described my gun, my friend in New Jersey doubled his offer.
CHRISTINE: It's worth more money because somebody was shot with it?!
CALE SPENCER: Extraordinary, isn't it? Is there any way I could speed things up. Some way I could reclaim it before I head home next week?
CHRISTINE: You big creep!
CALE SPENCER: Excuse me, ma'am.
CHRISTINE: Because of your stupidity my partner's almost killed there. You come in here wanting favours!
CALE SPENCER: May I remind you that gun belongs to me!
CHRISTINE: Guns don't kill people! People like you do!!!
CALE SPENCER: (laughing in her face) Oh, that's rich! I travelled around this country for two years toting that gun and never had a problem. I come here where you people have lost control, I'm robbed! Does that make it all my fault?!!
CHRISTINE: You're damn right it does!! If you hadn't been hauling it about here in the first place, none of this would have happened!!
CALE SPENCER: Does the right to bear arms sound familiar, ma'am?
CHRISTINE: Virginia Militia!
ISBECKI: This is the United States, Jack.
CALE SPENCER: She started this.
CORASSA: (who has come up behind Cale Spencer) And I say she's allowed..
SAMUELS: What's going on here?
CALE SPENCER: Exactly the kind of treatment I'd expect in a place like this.
CHRISTINE: (poking him in the shoulder) You want your gun back? I'll get it released for ya! Nothing would give me greater pleasure to than arrest you for illegal possession the minute you claim it.
ISBECKI: What kind of American collects Commie iron?
(Cale Spencer walks out)
SAMUELS: All right. Everybody ...back to work. Cagney, (nodding to the office) in here.

[Samuels office]

SAMUELS: (he closes the door after her) Sit down. (sitting beside her) I always said you've got a good top temper.
CHRISTINE: (quietly) Thank you, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: How did you get on at Psychological Services?
CHRISTINE: There was nothing to talk about.
SAMUELS: You make sure that Lacey talks to them and I want no loose ends left on her file.
CHRISTINE: Yes Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: So,... cool off.
CHRISTINE: I'm fine. (glancing towards Samuels' desk) I'm missing the coffee breaks.
SAMUELS: (reaching for the desk drawer) You almost lost a partner and I've only got my second whip. (opening the Bourbon bottle) You know, Cagney, yesterday was probably about as bad as this job gets. (he pours some Bourbon into a mug) Some day you're gonna be sitting in that chair, and you'll take a call. (handing her the mug) I hope it turns out as well for you.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, Lieutenant.
(Chris drinks the Bourbon)
SAMUELS: All right?
CHRISTINE: Much better. Thank you.

[Laceys' lounge]

(Chris brings in the second of two potted trees)
MARY BETH: Oh, they're beautiful. ...And big!
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth. Avocados!
CHRISTINE: Well, it takes two to tango. Avocados are very sexy tress. One male, one female. (lifting a branch) I don't know how the hell you tell them apart. Anyway the guy in the nursery says that you put these in a very sunny part of your yard. And you cover them in Winter and the Gods smile and that in six to eight years you will have the best guacamole in Fresh Meadows.
MARY BETH: Well, that's something to look forward to. Coffee, Christine?

[Laceys' kitchen]

CHRISTINE: Psych Services was painless. Don't forget you have to have their approval on your file.
MARY BETH: Yeah, I'll get to it. Did the DA come up with anything on the Tulari case?
CHRISTINE: No. Isbecki and Petrie are handling our load for a few days.
MARY BETH: Oh, the Squad sent flowers. There's some nice arrangements upstairs.
MARY BETH: Decaff or regular?
CHRISTINE: Actually I'd rather have a beer.
MARY BETH: You sure?
CHRISTINE: Yeah. Samuels gave me the afternoon off. But if you're so damned concerned, I'd be happy to have a drink and take a cab. I'm bound to pass a bar or two on the way home.
MARY BETH: You don't have to go to a bar, Christine. Go ahead. Take a beer.
CHRISTINE: Thank you. (sipping a beer) How did you sleep last night? You were pretty out of it once I dropped you off.
MARY BETH: I did better than Harvey. He tossed around all night. You know something? I haven't been in my house alone before.
(Chris doesn't know what to say. The kettle boils)
CHRISTINE: This morning I found tar all over my... jacket sleeve.
CHRISTINE: It splashed on me on the roof. It's the story of my life. I'm always looking at the wrong boy.
MARY BETH: Luck of the draw, huh, Chris? It's getting more dangerous all the time.
CHRISTINE: We should stay off roofs from now on. Anything above the second floor we give to Isbecki.
MARY BETH: (having given a half-laugh) You know something? We'll be there with the cherry blossoms and Spring flowers and all. It's gonna be so beautiful at ...Williamsburg.
CHRISTINE: I thought you were talking about going this Summer!
MARY BETH: Why wait?

[Chris's loft]

(Chris is sitting with a Scotch. There s a knock at the door. She checks the peephole and lets Charlie in)
CHRISTINE: Charlie! What's wrong?
CHARLIE: (he has a carrier bag) Did you put the meat on? You said 'Dinner at eight'.
CHRISTINE: Right! It's seven o'clock.
CHARLIE: (looking at his watch) Holy cow! It's the watch. I can't read the damn thing.
CHRISTINE: OK, come on in.
CHARLIE: I'm sorry, Chris.
CHRISTINE: No, come on in, Pop. Fine. I have everything almost ready. Why don't you watch some TV?
CHARLIE: Oh, that's all I've been doing lately. Hey, did you see Mary Beth?
CHRISTINE: Er, yeah. She's OK. Give her a few days, she'll be back.
CHARLIE: Oh, good. Did you bring the vest?
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. (going to the carrier bag) Thank God I didn't remember you'd left this when I heard about that shooting yesterday.
CHRISTINE: Oh, thanks for bringing it back, Charlie, anyway. I borrowed Faverty's when we got the call.
CHARLIE: I'm sure you did. If I'd have nearly lost my partner (picking up Chris's Scotch bottle) this bottle would be empty!
CHRISTINE: Well, thank God you never lost one.
CHARLIE: No, not in a shooting. One guy retired and one dropped out. That was bad enough.
CHRISTINE: I don't know what I'd do.
CHARLIE: Well, unless Cagney loses Mary Beth, you'll never find out either.

[Psychological Services]

DR. WILSON: So, how do you feel physically?
MARY BETH: I'm OK, but the rib aches a bit But that's it.
DR. WILSON: You were very lucky. Are you sleeping all right? Any flashbacks or replays of the shooting?
MARY BETH: Like Christine? Did Sergeant Cagney tell you about that?
DR. WILSON: Sergeant Cagney is your partner?
MARY BETH: Yes. What did she say?
DR. WILSON: I don't know. She spoke with another therapist. These sessions are all confidential. Nothing that's said leaves this office.
DR. WILSON: So, ...your family. How are they taking this?
MARY BETH: Well, er, my Alice is only a baby. I mean, I know that people say that babies are very sensitive to these things, but she's fine. And Harvey Jr., and Michael were very upset at first, but they're better now. Er, Christine is like me, you get hurt and it passes. And Harvey, my husband, my Harve was the most upset of all.
DR. WILSON: Your older daughter is named Christine also?
MARY BETH: I have one daughter, Doctor, Alice, my baby.
DR. WILSON: Oh, I see, when you named your family, you included Christine?
MARY BETH: I did. What does that mean? Does that mean something?
DR. WILSON: Often, when cops are shot, very strong feelings emerge. ...Guilt. ...Anger. ...Fear.
MARY BETH: Yeah, I'm fearful. Oh, you bet, I'm fearful. I mean, I hear, my Alice saying 'Oh, yeah, my mother was shot dead when I was fourteen months old'. I mean, I'm not saying I don't have problems, but I don't think that I have to come in here and complain about them. It was a good procedure, Doctor.
DR. WILSON: I believe that.
MARY BETH: I mean, what happened, nobody could have seen. It could have been not me, but Christine, that got hit.
DR. WILSON: Have you talked about that with her?
MARY BETH: We will! I mean, no, not yet. But I'm planning to. My partner is not like ...my girlfriend. You know, where it's easy to talk. She's off fighting crime the whole time. She's all caught up in the game. But she was doing her job. She's a very, very good cop.
DR. WILSON: No other questions? No loose ends?
MARY BETH: I keep thinking about those movies, where something terrible happens to Margaret Sullavan, and she has to pick out a new wife to take her place. It's the same with me. She don't have time. ..What?! ...What do you want me to say? ...A poor screwed up kid panicked and shot me. ...He could have killed me. He would have killed my partner. ...What questions? What loose ends do you wanna hear about? ...It was terrible and stupid. ...And I'm mad, I'm very mad about it. ...Is that it?!! ...Tell me what it is that you want me to say, Doctor!!! So I can say it and get to hell out of here!!
DR. WILSON: It's OK, Detective.
MARY BETH: No, it's not!!!
MARY BETH: No it's not.

[Chris's loft]

(Chris comes in very slowly carrying a brown bag with a bottle in it, switches oh the hi-fi for some quiet music and checks the answer-phone)
CHRISTINE: (on answer-phone) This is Christine. I can't take your call right now. Please you leave your message and I'll get back.
CHARLIE: (on answer-phone) How ya feeling, Chrissie? You know, I think we could both use a night out. What about going for a pizza, Chinese or a game of pool? Your choice. What do you say?
DAVID KEELER: (on answer-phone) Hi, it's David. I don't believe this separation is irresolvable. I miss you very much. I know we can work things out. Please call, Chris. Bye.
(Chris takes a swig of the Scotch she has poured herself)
PLUMBER: (on answer-phone) It's the plumber, Miss. Cagney. Twice you didn't leave the key. Do you want me fix that leak or not? Let me know. Goodbye.
(the answer-phone switches on again. No message. She throws the glass across the room)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Chris has just come in. She is drinking a coffee when Petrie comes in behind her)
PETRIE: I asked for those burglary photographs, Cagney. You never gave them back.
(Chris jumps, choking on the coffee and dropping the cup on some files)
CHRISTINE: Timing makes champions, Petrie.
PETRIE: Sorry, but I asked for them two days ago.
CHRISTINE: I gave 'em to Isbecki yesterday.
ISBECKI: In your dreams, Cagney. Your desk is like the Bermuda Triangle these days. Everything that lands on it disappears. (Chris opens his jacket to look at his gun) By the book! A regulation thirty-eight. The serial number's already on my card. Satisfied?
(as he turns away she lifts his jacket from the back)
(Isbecki has another gun in a holster in the back of his trousers)
ISBECKI: I tried, Cagney. I tried without it for two days. I felt naked. This gun is part of me.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, well have it surgically removed. The next time I see it I'm gonna write you up!
ISBECKI: Maybe I'll just carry it in my head.
CHRISTINE: Well, in your case, I'm sure there's plenty of room.
COLEMAN: (coming in with Mary Beth) Hey everybody, welcome back...
(there is a general round of cheering)
MARY BETH: Than you, Marcus, my privilege.
CORASSA: Welcome back, Lacey. We've missed you.
MARY BETH: Thank you, Al.
ESPOSITO: (wheeling up a chair) Mary Beth, I borrowed your chair while you was out, because mine makes these offensive noises every time I swivel.
(he swaps the chair back for his own)
MARY BETH: It took me years to break that chair in. That better not feel any different.
ESPOSITO: Hey, no fear.
CHRISTINE: Hey, welcome back, partner. I thought you were gonna take a week.
MARY BETH: Oh, today felt right. Are you free at lunchtime?
CHRISTINE: Yeah! I'll buy, any place you choose.
SAMUELS: (coming up chuckling) Ha, ha, ha. (he shakes her hand vigorously. She winces from the cracked rib) Sorry, Lacey! (as she takes her coat off) Here, let me help you. Oh, it's good to see you back. Now you stay inside the next few days. You take off that vest. You relax till you feel up to speed.
MARY BETH: Thank you, sir, but I'm back a hundred percent.
SAMUELS: Oh, that's good. But don't overdo anything!
MARY BETH: (to Chris) Are those our files?
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I'm just checking about a few reports. Hey, Petrie, those photographs you were looking for. We might have them in a couple of minutes.
(Mary Beth takes a file from out of a pile and hands it to Chris)
CHRISTINE: (to Petrie) There, you see.

[Precinct House yard]

CHRISTINE: Are you wearing your vest to protect your rib?
MARY BETH: I wear my vest to protect my everything.
CHRISTINE: All we're doing is taking a statement from a mugging victim.
MARY BETH: So, Sergeant, is that it?
CHRISTINE: Sorry. Sorry I mentioned anything. You can wear it whenever you want.
CHRISTINE: I'm glad you're back.
MARY BETH: I know. I saw the files already.
CHRISTINE: Maybe you came back too soon. You wanna have lunch another day?
MARY BETH: That's OK by me, but I wasn't talking about eating. We have an appointment at one-thirty at Psychological Services.
CHRISTINE: Wait a minute. Why do we have an appointment?
MARY BETH: Because Dr. Wilson says I'm angry.

[Psychological Services]

CHRISTINE: This is about me, right? That's why I'm here.
DR. WILSON: You're here because your partner asked you to come.
MARY BETH: Why is it always about you? Your career problems. Your lousy social life. Your father's...
CHRISTINE: OK. So it's not about me.
DR. WILSON: What happened on that roof happened to both of you.
CHRISTINE: I know. I was there! (turning to Mary Beth) Remember? (looking back at the doctor) Did you work this thing up or what?
MARY BETH: I don't need anybody to speak for me. You let me down, partner.
CHRISTINE: What the hell are you talking about?
MARY BETH: Why didn't you have your vest on?
CHRISTINE: You know why I didn't have it on.
MARY BETH: Because you left it at Charlie's? (to the doctor) See. So I wear the stupid vest and she goes charging in, no protection, and I get hit. (to Chris) Why did you do that to me? Why did you do that to yourself?
CHRISTINE: Oh, Mary Beth, would you stop mothering me? (to the doctor) She's always gives it me about the seat belts. 'Fasten you seat belt'. Now it's the damn vest! I live the way I live! Doctor!!
MARY BETH: I was scared, Chris. Maybe you never get scared, but I do.
CHRISTINE: Don't make me feel guilty about this.
MARY BETH: Are too selfish to understand that? Why is it all right for you to die?
CHRISTINE: (getting up and walking around) What kind of a stupid question is that?!
MARY BETH: (getting up and facing Chris) Why is it all right?
CHRISTINE: (walking away and picking up her handbag) If you haven't anything more stupid to say. (turning back from the door) Wait a minute. (to the doctor) I had a bullet in my chest. Now, I'm talking about the real thing. I had the transfusion ...and the tubes ...and the pain.
MARY BETH: Answer my question.
CHRISTINE: (going back to confront Mary Beth) No! It's not all right if I die!
MARY BETH: Yeah, but you act like it is!!
CHRISTINE: Who's saying that?!! You or him!!! Do you think I wanted to see you go down? Do you think I didn't want it to be me?
MARY BETH: I don't know what you want anymore.
CHRISTINE: Well, I wish I had taken the bullet! OK!! But , hey, I didn't!!!
MARY BETH: Perfect, Christine! Then you'd be dead!! Because you weren't wearing your damn vest!!!
CHRISTINE: (to the doctor) But she was. (to Mary Beth) But you were and she's gonna keep wearing every day until she picks up her pension!
MARY BETH: I'll wear it when I need to!
CHRISTINE: Well, I don't want to go around scared all my life.
MARY BETH: Neither do I.
(the doctor leaves)
CHRISTINE: What's it gonna be like if you're worried about a bullet? What kind of a partner are you gonna be?
MARY BETH: The same kind I've always been. The one you can count on. The one that feeds you coffee and aspirin every morning, and ...tiptoes around on eggshells until ...you're ready to face the day. Do you want me to pick up the pieces when you jump over some witness with both feet because you've got a damn hangover?
CHRISTINE: Hey, do wanna new partner, that's fine.
MARY BETH: No, I don't!!!
CHRISTINE: Then you take me like I am!
MARY BETH: I do, Chris, I do!! I'm the one that follows you around this filthy City! And freezes with you in the car all night while you play out some half-cock hunch. And the whole time hearing about how the newest man in your life is disappointing you.
CHRISTINE: What do I do? I don't know what you want.
MARY BETH: Propping you up when the bottom falls out on some case that we both broke our butts on! Because I care about you!!!
CHRISTINE: (going to walk out) I don't wanna hear any more of this crap!
MARY BETH: Not this time, sister. (going and confronting her at the door) I care ...about you, ...Christine Cagney. I care about what happens to you. (a long silence) Except you scare me so much.
(Mary Beth puts her hand up to touch Chris and then puts it down. Chris looks away)

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