Special Treatment
Original Airdate: March 16, 1987

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Chris puts a couple of Alka Seltzers into a cup of water and lets them dissolve. ("Oh, Alka Seltzer don't fizz!" we used to say in my twenties) She downs the mix with difficulty. She realises Esposito is looking at her)
ESPOSITO: Chemicals cannot correct disharmony when one's orchestra's out of tune.
BASIL: (a uniformed officer, comes up with the post etc.) Sergeant Cagney! (he hands her a computer printout) The crime stats you wanted. The final tally's at the top.
CHRISTINE: (looking at the first sheet) Basil, you have not got the idea. You see, the figures have to be lower than last month's.
BASIL: Are you saying the computer made an error?
CHRISTINE: Apparently...What I'm saying ...is...
(Isbecki comes up with a Chinese takeaway dish and a fork which he sits on her desk and continues to eat)
ISBECKI: Just the way I like it. A nice aroma.
CHRISTINE: (to Basil) What I'm saying is you're not hearing me. It's bad enough I'm replacing Samuels at the Community Board meeting. I also have to prove to them that we're stopping crimes in their tracks. I also have to...
ISBECKI: (turning to talk to another detective and putting the dish right under Chris's nose) I'm telling you, it's like comparing a coffee shop to a hole-in-the-wall
CHRISTINE: Oh! Isbecki!!
ISBECKI: What's the problem?
CHRISTINE: Nausea. (talking to Basil as she goes back to her desk) Look, Basil, we need to prove we're making more burglary arrests on the East Side.
BASIL: That's only three more arrests than last month.
CHRISTINE: Basil, that's still thirty-three percent. If you lose one it won't hurt. So don't push me. All right?! (Basil goes off) Isbecki! Have you got anything with Sister Beatrice Chipeta?
ISBECKI: Do you think they'd care about girls' basketball team? Besides that was months ago.
(Isbecki joins Corassa at the coffee table)
CHRISTINE: So I suspect. Those little girls haven't forgotten how your coached your heart out for them. Dribbling ...up ...and ...down the court.
ISBECKI: Yeah, you think how long it takes
(Corassa nearly chokes on his coffee)
CORASSA: Yeah. You're a sucker for girls in gym shorts. Cagney, what about that high diver I saved off the Empire State Building.
CHRISTINE: You've been trading on that for thirteen years, Corassa. Go away.
MARY BETH: (coming in) OK! listen up, everybody. "People" magazine says that people today are complacent. Well, (handing out leaflets) I have a thing or two to say to "People" magazine. That it's not all loud music and swallowing guppies out there on our campuses. And certainly not at Queens College. ...Not by any means.
CHRISTINE: Sign me in, will ya? (looking at the leaflet) Anti-nuclear rally, huh?
MARY BETH: Christine, did you know that they are transporting nuclear waste through the streets of Queens?
CHRISTINE: A committed, caring cop. I like it.
MARY BETH: No!!! No! No way. This is a strictly personal opinion which I am expressing and you may not use it for your Community Board meeting.
CHRISTINE: Just a thought. So when are you gonna be James Bond?
MARY BETH: Tomorrow afternoon. And I am taking personal leave for it.
CHRISTINE: You're dressed too smart, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: There are different ways to get involved.
CHRISTINE: Your first march. My first Community Board meeting. It's gonna be like cloying in the back of a Chevy for the first time.
MARY BETH: It was a Buick.
CHRISTINE: (looking at the printout) Can you believe this garbage?. Me and my new, best friend, Inspector Knelman. And he said he wanted to know when I am gonna make their day. (holding her head) I can't get rid of the smell of Isbecki's chow.
SAMUELS: (from his office) Cagney!!!
ESPOSITO: (as she is about to go into Samuels' office) Fear ...is the only feeling that has no music.
CHRISTINE: Esposito, what are you on?
(Esposito sits at his desk, closes his eyes and takes deep breaths)

[Samuels' office]

(Samuels has a neck support on)
SAMUELS: Cagney, are you looking forward to this month's Community Board meeting?
CHRISTINE: Counting the days, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Very good. And you feel quite capable of taking my place?
CHRISTINE: Er I... I feel I have it well in hand, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Ha, ha. Well, that warms my heart. I suppose then you're familiar with the President of the Board.
CHRISTINE: By reputation. Peter Gates. He runs the Heavenly Gates Mortuary.
SAMUELS: Well, some perp made off with his favourite hearse! In our Precinct. Under our very noses! And you know what Inspector Knelman told me to tell you?
CHRISTINE: I can only guess.
SAMUELS: He said you've got forty-eight hours to find it, or that Community Board meeting is going to turn into, and I quote 'A vultures-for-faith rack of lamb!'.

[Peter Gates' office]

PAUL GATES: That hearse is my flagship. A Congressman's mother took her final ride with my name rendered in silver leaf on the windows. Am I being understood?
CHRISTINE: Perfectly, Mr. Gates. We also have an Auto Squad on this case and every patrolman will have a description of your vehicle along with the VIN number and the license plate.
MARY BETH: Am I correct, sir? Is the personalised license plate on the vehicle M, O, R, P, 3...
PAUL GATES: MORTS.
MARY BETH: It looks like MORPS!
CHRISTINE: (quietly to Mary Beth) It's the past tense of mourir. The French verb, to die.
MARY BETH: Sure. Well, we'll be checking with er, chop shops and your competitors. Anything that might give us a lead.
CHRISTINE: But these things do take time.
PAUL GATES: What do you think I'm talking about?!! A station wagon?!
CHRISTINE: Well, we'll be in touch.
PAUL GATES: Not good enough, Sergeant. This neighbourhood doesn't reward incompetence. If I don't get results from you, the Community Board will hear about it. So will the Chief, ...and the Commissioner, ...and definitely the Mayor.

[Manhattan street]

MARY BETH: Well, you can't blame the man, Christine. Walking out of that church and all he finds is an oil patch.
CHRISTINE: So what! I've got old ladies coming home from Bingo games with their arms broken in two places. And not to mention the assault on an attorney's dog.
MARY BETH: What's more important? He'll be waiting for you at the Community Board meeting.
CHRISTINE: Thanks.

[Laceys' dining room]

MICHAEL: Your going to be walking around with people half your age.
HARVEY: Hey, your mother's trying to stand up and be counted. Everybody should have her fire and passion. She cares about what happens on this planet. Now what's wrong with that?
MARY BETH: For all we know they could be driving that nuclear waste right through our own neighbourhood.
MICHAEL: Why don't they just flush it down the toilet?
HARVEY JR.: Tell me he didn't just say that.
MARY BETH: They can't, sweetheart, it's too dangerous.
MICHAEL: Then how do they get rid of it?
HARVEY: They don't! They bury it and it's not safe. That's why people of conscience, people like your mother here, are trying to spread the word about what's happening.
MICHAEL: You mean like marijuana and other stuff?
MARY BETH: Well, you have to get people to pay attention, to sit up and take notice, which is why the four of us are gonna be there.
HARVEY: Ah, well honey, I er, I'd love to go, I told you, but I've got that two o'clock. Remember? One of my subs. He's pouring concrete.
MARY BETH: What is more important here, Harvey? Your conscience or your concreting.
HARVEY: Ah well, honey, you know I'll be there with you in spirit.
MARY BETH: That's some example you're setting here, Harvey.
HARVEY JR.: Say, do you know, Mom, I've got a test on democracy tomorrow, so...
MARY BETH: So, I'll be happy to write your teacher a note.
MICHAEL: You would get him out of school!!
HARVEY JR.: We will look like geeks in front of the whole world.
MARY BETH: I am sure that Mrs. Pulasi will understand that this is an important educational experience. It's an exercise in democracy!
HARVEY JR.: What, marching around with my mother and my little brother?
MARY BETH: The family, however, is not a democracy. So you don't wanna go tomorrow, that's fine. You may spend the next four weekends in the library doing research on nuclear waste.

[Chris's loft]

CHRISTINE: (is in pyjamas and dressing gown. There is a knock at the door) Charlie?!
CHARLIE [OC]: You got it.
(Chris finishes a Scotch and puts the bottle out of sight)
CHARLIE [OC]: Come on! Open up, will ya?
CHRISTINE: Hey, calm down. All right? Dinner was an hour late.
(she opens the door. Charlie is carrying a table lamp which is a doll in a blue frilly dress and wearing the blue, frilly lampshade on his head)
CHARLIE: Yeah, call it fate. Isn't she gorgeous? I was passing this little shop and there she was, sitting in the window, like a gift from the angels. For my gorgeous little girl.
(he gives her Chris a kiss)
CHRISTINE: Thanks, Charlie.
CHARLIE: That's OK. Besides there's never enough light in here anyhow.
CHRISTINE: It depends how much you wanna see. ...Well?
CHARLIE: Well what?
CHRISTINE: The aspirins for my headache I told you to bring.
CHARLIE: Oh, I'll be back in a jiffy.
CHRISTINE: OK, forget it.
CHARLIE: Suit yourself. It's not my fault you've got a hangover. I, of course, am as sober as a judge.
CHRISTINE: Did my lips move?
CHARLIE: Ha, ha, ha, ha. (turning and picking up Chris's Scotch glass) Oh, what's this. Carrot juice?
CHRISTINE: (taking the glass from him) I call it medicinal.
CHARLIE: Oh, excuse me, my saintly Sergeant daughter. I thought we were talking about whiskey here. I guess not! I guess what we're talking about here is some other way to make poor old Dad feel guilty. Fire away!
CHRISTINE: I don't wanna get into this with you.
CHARLIE: No, of course not. I mean, you can take it or leave it, can't you? You can quit anytime you want. Let me tell you something, kiddo. It ain't that easy.
CHRISTINE: Maybe not for you. It's a matter of willpower.
CHARLIE: Oh, ho! Of which you have carloads and I don't.
CHRISTINE: I didn't say that, Charlie. You happen to have a disease.
CHARLIE: Oh, boy. I knew we'd get here somehow. Don't you tell me that John Barleycorn doesn't blow a little, silver whistle in your ear every day at five PM.
CHRISTINE: OK, Charlie, why don't we just drop the subject.
CHARLIE: Oh, no, no you don't, Miss. Holier-than-thou. I know fear when I smell it. I bet you a hundred bucks you can't stay off the booze for a week.
CHRISTINE: Oh, really! Well, I'll be happy to if you do.
CHARLIE: On no, wait, wait, wait.
CHRISTINE: Hey! No guts, no glory.
CHARLIE: (he chuckles) Gonna be the easiest hundred bucks I ever made.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. So, here you are, if it's that easy, we double the bet.
(they both spit on their hands, rub them together and shake)
CHARLIE: You got it!
CHRISTINE: Swell.

[Queens' park]

(a family of four is sitting on a bench)

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (into phone) We're not looking for cars that have been stripped and abandoned. ...If you have to search the entire Bronx!
(Chris rings off)
ESPOSITO: (coming up and sitting on hr desk) Hi. Do you mind if I share a very special thought?
CHRISTINE: Intensely. (shouting across the room) Kazak! Give me something I can take to the Community Board?
ESPOSITO: Cagney. There are no discordant notes when you're in tune with your natural harmonies.
KAZAK: (he has come up) I never thought about it like that before. (to Chris) Not yet, Cagney.
(Kazak goes off)
ESPOSITO: Well, the thing is, you can't stop fighting it. Symphony is stronger than all of us.
ISBECKI: Anyone seen Samuels?
CORASSA: He's at the doctor having his spine adjusted.
ESPOSITO: (he is holding a bunch of leaflets) Allow me to introduce you to individual manifestations affecting general existence. (he gives Chris a leaflet) Imagining.
CHRISTINE: Oh, brother.
CORASSA: (shouting across to Chris) They're really off.
CHRISTINE: I like that!
ESPOSITO: It turned my life inside out.
(he hands one to Corassa)
ISBECKI: Imagining? (as he passes by) I'll take one.
CHRISTINE: This is just the beginning, isn't it? Your fiancée is an exact duplicate of your ex-wife.
COLEMAN: (coming up with a message) Cagney, are you in charge here?
CHRISTINE: In a manner of speaking. What's wrong?
COLEMAN: Oh, I just got a call from the One-One-Nine.
CHRISTINE: In Queens?
COLEMAN: Yeah. You better get over there right away. You'd better sit down.
CHRISTINE: Why? What's wrong?
COLEMAN: Lacey. She's er...
CHRISTINE: What's the matter? Is she all right?!
COLEMAN: I...
CHRISTINE: Coleman, talk to me!!
COLEMAN: She's been arrested. Like charged with fighting in a riot.
CHRISTINE: (sitting down, looking at the message and smiling) In a riot!

[119th Precinct Detectives' Squad room]

(It's ten past four in the afternoon, Placards with slogans like 'Nuclear Waste Lives Forever' are in evidence. Protesters are being processed)
DUPNIK: (coming off the phone) All right! If I could have your attention, please. ...All right, quiet down now! (shouting) Hey!!! ...All right. Sergeant Harkness will be moving you quickly through processing. After you've been ID'ed, you will be issued... (a uniformed officer hands him a message. Harvey and the boys rush in and greet Mary Beth) ... with a desk appearance ticket.
HARVEY: Are you all right?
MARY BETH: I'm fine, honey. (to the boys) How are my fellow protesters holding up?
HARVEY: We followed the paddy wagon here.
DUPNIK: Excuse me. We have a report here that a member of the Force was inadvertently picked up.
MICHAEL: I'm surprised that cops should throw you around like that.
MARY BETH: No, I am fine. Sometimes they just have to act like Rambos. Officer. I'm over here.
DUPNIK: Detective Lacey! (unconvincingly) Nice to see you again.
MARY BETH: Small world, huh?
DUPNIK: Very.
MARY BETH: Harve, why don't you go ahead and take the boys home?
HARVEY: Listen, we can't leave you here, babe.
MARY BETH: Harvey, don't worry. It'll take about an hour for me to get processed and Muriel's waiting with the baby. So, she'll be waiting on you to take her home.
HARVEY: Are you sure you're gonna be OK?
MARY BETH: It's a simple ticket. I'll grab a cab.
DUPNIK: Detective Lacey, we haven't got all day.
HARVEY: Can you get a cab here?
MARY BETH: Yes.
HARVEY: OK.
MARY BETH: I'll see you later.
HARVEY: Just take care of yourself. OK?
MARY BETH: All right.
(she kisses them all)
HARVEY JR.: Bye, Mum.
HARVEY: Come on, guys.
(sitting down by Dupnik's desk)
DUPNIK: What's the problem, Lacey? Mid-life crisis? Things too quiet in Manhattan? You've gotta come on to my territory to foment social upheaval?
MARY BETH: May we get on with this, please?
DUPNIK: I know. You're afraid they'll start a revolution without you.
MARY BETH: It was not a revolution. It was an orderly, civil demonstration until your Rambo rookies had their say.
DUPNIK: Sure, I didn't do it. It wasn't me. Everybody's last words before they march them to the guillotine. But, happy day, we both went free.
MARY BETH: Huh?!
DUPNIK: As one cop to another. Speaking...
MARY BETH: Detective Dupnik, I'm not asking for special treatment.
DUPNIK: Look, look, just let's call it a case of mistaken identity. I didn't see you. You didn't see anyone, eh?
MARY BETH: But I saw the cop that jumped on me! (pointing to her grazed knee) Do you see that cut down there?
DUPNIK: Hey, hey, hey! You and your peacenik buddies here were blocking traffic.
MARY BETH: These people are innocent citizens whose only crime is they don't wanna die glowing like braziers.
DUPNIK: Lacey! I am not gonna say it twice. Take the break!!
MARY BETH: I want my rights as an American!
DUPNIK: Oh, sure. It's gonna be Dupnik. The one who busts cops. As if I don't have enough enemies. Oh, forget it!
MARY BETH: (getting to her feet) I don't believe this!!!
DUPNIK: (getting to his feet) Never, never in all my years... Not even Pinocchio took... Lacey, you're a cop. Act like it.
MARY BETH: You're a cop! You act like it!!
DUPNIK: Oh yeah!!!
MARY BETH: Yeah!!
DUPNIK: You want your ticket?!
MARY BETH: I want my ticket!!
DUPNIK: Then take your damned ticket!!
MARY BETH: I will.
DUPNIK: And frame it with...
CHRISTINE: Detective Droopneck.
DUPNIK: Dupnik!!!
CHRISTINE: (showing her shield) I'm Sergeant Cagney.
DUPNIK: Oh, how are you?
(he goes to shake Chris' hand)
MARY BETH: My partner.
(he withdraws his hand. Chris offers her hand with a sweet smile. He declines. Later)
MARY BETH: It's a tiny little misdemeanour. It's nothing.
CHRISTINE: Nothing!!! Are you nuts?!! You might as well be running guns for the Irish! Do you know what's next for ya? The Police Board. Tending lost dogs!
MARY BETH: A ticket's like a lousy parking ticket!
CHRISTINE: Do you wanna go back to school crossings?
MARY BETH: Don't make it such a big deal, Chris!
CHRISTINE: Do you wanna end up wearing a fancy white belt with a Stop-and-Go board in the middle of a blinding thunderstorm?!
MARY BETH: (shouting out so she can be heard) It is a trumped-up charge, and I want my day in court!
CHRISTINE: (quietly having looked across to Dupnik who happens to be on the phone) Mary Beth, you don't have to do this. Let's just ask Dupnik to ditch the ticket.
MARY BETH: What about the other protesters? How's it gonna look to them?
CHRISTINE: We'll just have to hope that, maybe, they wouldn't notice.
MARY BETH: I want them to notice! (shouting out again) Who says the cops are allowed to set themselves above the law!
(Dupnik makes a "turn the volume down" sign)
CHRISTINE: So they got a little bit out of line, huh? Just file a complaint with the Community Review Board. Type a Forty-Nine to the Commissioner!
MARY BETH: Yeah, that'd probably be the smartest move.
CHRISTINE: Believe me, Mary Beth. ...Believe me. You won't regret it.
MARY BETH: And it is the easiest.
CHRISTINE: Atta girl.
MARY BETH: It's not the fairest.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth!
MARY BETH: I know. I know. You're absolutely right. (a pause for thought) It's a matter of conscience, Christine. (shouting across) Detective Dupnik. I want my ticket!
(Chris buries her head in her arms on top of a filing cabinet. Dupnik has done the same on his desk)

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: (still in a neck support) What?! You told him to do what?!!
CHRISTINE: Well, I'm...
SAMUELS: You told some suburban flatfoot to lock her up and throw away the key!!!
CHRISTINE: Now you weren't there, Lieutenant. You don't understand the nuances.
SAMUELS: Nuances?!!
CHRISTINE: Well, I tried to reason with the woman. I did! But you now how pig-headed she is.
SAMUELS: Can you imagine the kind of embarrassment you're causing me?!!!
CHRISTINE: I embarrass you?!! She's embarrassing us!!!
SAMUELS: Well, you're not in charge here, damn it, I am!!!
CHRISTINE: Can we take a rain check on this?
SAMUELS: There's only one way that we can save face now. She's making us look stupider than she is!
CHRISTINE: We have to get her a lobotomy!!

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Esposito is standing behind a seated Corassa who has his eyes closed)
ESPOSITO: (with his eyes closed is stroking his own temples) Remember. No discordant notes. (Isbecki comes up and stares closely at Corassa's face) When you're in tune with your image (Isbecki passes his hand in front of Corassa's eyes) the world is in tune with you.
CORASSA: (opening his eyes) It's gone. (to Isbecki) My headache has gone.
ISBECKI: No?
CORASSA: Yeah. ...It's OK.
ESPOSITO: (opening his eyes and putting his hands on Corassa's shoulders and massaging them) Mind and body. ...Like two perfectly tuned instruments.
(Chris comes out of Samuels' office)
ESPOSITO: (coming up to Chris) How would you like to be in tune with the rhapsody of joyous abandon? (Chris walks on past him) Sergeant. Yes, you're a true sergeant and I respect you for that. You act like a sergeant.
CHRISTINE: Don't start with me, Esposito. I'm not going to your stupid seminar. Coleman!!! Where's Coleman?
ESPOSITO: Oh, really, Sergeant. Giving up yourself to the people around you...
CHRISTINE: There's one thing I need, Esposito, and it isn't eternal bliss!
ESPOSITO: (going off) All right, all right.
CHRISTINE: (to Coleman) Coleman, where is my hearse? What is happening? We only have one more day to find it.
COLEMAN: The hearse? Oh yeah, that. They found it.
CHRISTINE: Did they? Where?
COLEMAN: At a quayside block in Brooklyn. Listen to this. It gets better. The Uniforms had ordered cheeseburgers, see?
CHRISTINE: Don't tell me.
COLEMAN: They had to wait for their order.
CHRISTINE: They lost it?!!!
COLEMAN: They're gonna find it. They'll get it back. (Chris shouts out in disbelief) We're going over to Flannery's. Do you wanna join us for a few?
ISBECKI: Yeah, Cagney. Come on, I'll treat ya.
CHRISTINE: (walking away from Coleman) Terrific.
COLEMAN: Oh, by the way, your father called for me to tell ya he's going shopping with the two hundred maceroonies. He said you'd understand.
ISBECKI: So let's get going.
CHRISTINE: Maybe I'll join you guys later. OK?
ISBECKI: OK.

[119th Precinct Detectives' Squad room]

(it's quarter past seven in the evening. Dupnik comes in with a file)
MARY BETH: Detective Dupnik. Do you know what time it is? (he points to the clock) What is the hold up?
DUPNIK: No problem, Citizen Lacey. (calling out) Arty! Arty, do you have that Five-Four yet? (no reply) Oh, oh, oh. Arty must be having supper.
MARY BETH: When will he be back?
DUPNIK: What's today?
MARY BETH: Wednesday. Today is Wednesday.
DUPNIK: Wednesday is always a light day.
MARY BETH: So he'll be back...
DUPNIK: Very late.
MARY BETH: I thought you said...
DUPNIK: Don't worry. It's not like you're a dangerous criminal. Of course, try and tell that to the computer. Do you spell Mary Beth with an 'e' or without?
MARY BETH: Exactly the way it sounds.
DUPNIK: (slamming down his pen) That's what I told the boys! Our Mary Beth would never be mixed up in a bank robbery. However, seeing as how you don't want any special privilege, we still have to verify your current address.
MARY BETH: My husband was here. He could have vouched for me.
DUPNIK: Mm hm. And we sent a patrol car around to your house. Nobody answered. We can hardly cross-examine a mailbox.
MARY BETH: Nobody was home because they were here!!
DUPNIK: Mrs. Lacey!!! I do not know how they do things in Manhattan, but here we do it strictly by the numbers.
MARY BETH: Mr. Dupnik!! You like numbers. Why don't you take the Sixty-One you filed when our house was robbed and your people recovered nothing!
DUPNIK: Mm, mm, mm. Section one-ten-sixteen of the Patrol Guide. I'm afraid it's very specific.
MARY BETH: You know damn well who I am!!
DUPNIK: So let's quit waltzing around!!! My feet hurt.
MARY BETH: Yeah? I got a pain too.
DUPNIK: OK. OK, you made your stand. Hip, hip, hooray. Now, please, ...go home to the bosom of your happy family.
MARY BETH: Not without my ticket.
DUPNIK: (getting up and shouting at her) To hell with your ticket!!! I'm trying to help you.
MARY BETH: I don't wanna be helped!! I wanna be like everybody else!!!
DUPNIK: (shouting and pointing) You are not like everybody else!!! You've got something wrong in the head!!
MARY BETH: Process me. Let me go!
DUPNIK: (holding up his hands) Fine. ...Fine. As soon as the car's available, we will send it around again. Of course, what with riots, insurrections...
MARY BETH: You may have the morality of a cockroach, but my principles are at stake here.
DUPNIK: You wanna play Joan of Arc? ...Fine. I got plenty of matches.

[Laceys' hallway]

MICHAEL: My Mom's in jail!
HARVEY: Whoa! Whoa! Calm down, boy. It's gonna be OK. Come here.
(Harvey sits on the bottom of the stairs with the two boys)
HARVEY JR.: What if people find out?
MICHAEL: We'll be famous.
HARVEY: Oh, no, it's just a simple misunderstanding. By morning they are bound to let her out.
MICHAEL: Wait till I tell Tracy.
HARVEY JR.: Tiffany's gonna leave me.
HARVEY: Hey, fellas, this is your mother! She is standing up for what she believes in and we are gonna back her up. Now, do you hear me?!

[119th Precinct Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (to Arty, the uniformed officer as he moves around the room) Do you think I'm stupid? Well I am not stupid. I know why you're doing this, and you know what, I don't care. I have bigger fears. My children, and my children's children, growing up in a society where nuclear waste has been teeming past, through the streets of Queens like it was yesterday's garbage. (as Dupnik backs her up) Do you wanna get scared?
DUPNIK: (he gives her a small board with a number, NYPD 6R48, chalked on it to hold) Give us a full face, Mrs. Lacey.
MARY BETH: What here?
DUPNIK: Right here. (he picks up a camera) Say 'Cheese'.
(he takes the photo. The next morning)
CHRISTINE: If Detective Lacey caused any hard feelings, I apologise. I feel that in a day or two, three at the most, you will be receiving an apology personally from her.
DUPNIK: Look! That lady has been given every opportunity to walk, to which she has responded by thumbing her nose at me in front of everyone.
CHRISTINE: Well, she can be a very principled and sometimes she gets hysterical.
DUPNIK: Yeah?! Well, I belong to Greenpeace. Save the porpoise. For me the ocean's where it's happening.
CHRISTINE: All I'm asking you, Dupnik, is to let us take care of our own.
DUPNIK: Hey, she wants over the wall. Fine. I'm going to hold the ladder for her. But she doesn't want over. She just wants to hop up and down on it and yell about a freedom!
CHRISTINE: Dupnik! So far I have managed to keep this strictly unofficial. Far be it for me to mention the Sergeant's stripes...
DUPNIK: Sergeant, Sergeant. Please, please, please. I do not work for you. Remember? I am just some poor dumb slob stuck out here in the suburbs.
CHRISTINE: This is just a game for you, isn't it? Beat up by the big, bad Manhattan cop.
DUPNIK: Boy, there is no fooling you, is there?
CHRISTINE: I am warning you, Dupnik. Let her go!!
DUPNIK: It's the perfect crime, isn't it? First they stick one broad on me and then the other!
CHRISTINE: What is it you want from her? Huh? You want her to kick your ring? Is that it?! Hey, let me tell you something. You are not fit to carry that woman's lunch!
DUPNIK: You want her out of here. Fine! You talk to her! You tell her in whatever language you people speak, that it is up to her. If she'll just listen! If she'll be reasonable!(shouting at the top of his voice) Hey! I'm a reasonable guy!!!

[Detention cell]

MARY BETH: (tearful) I will stick to it. Follow my conscience. They took my shoelaces and my rings. (holding up the backs of hand) They went. You know what he said? 'You take 'em and you wrap 'em round your neck and top yourself'.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, all the man wants is a simple apology.
MARY BETH: Apology?!
CHRISTINE: Mm hm.
MARY BETH: Why should I give that man an apology?
CHRISTINE: To bring peace and harmony into his life. What do you think?!
MARY BETH: It was Dupnik's Uniform that jumped on me in the first place! What if he had touched one of my kids?
CHRISTINE: He didn't touch your kids.
MARY BETH: It's a matter of principle!
CHRISTINE: All he did was tag you (tapping the bars) and bang you behind bars.
MARY BETH: He couldn't verify my ID. So I told him to go take a photo, which he took, in case I defaced Departmental Property.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, if you'd just...
MARY BETH: My gold shield. I say who I say I am!
CHRISTINE: Well, for God's sake, what do you expect? On top of this there's bad blood between the two of you already. Or did you forget about the candlestick?
MARY BETH: That's what I'm saying!! The man's a perfect idiot!!!
CHRISTINE: Nobody's perfect.
MARY BETH: (as another detainee woman is brought in) We have to do something, Christine. Call his Squad Commander.
CHRISTINE: I called the Squad Commander.
MARY BETH: Or call my Lieutenant. Get Lieutenant Samuels to talk to his Squad Commander.
CHRISTINE: I already talked to Samuels.
MARY BETH: Well, come on, Christine! (casting an anxious glance at the new detainee) Help me here!!! Be constructive.
CHRISTINE: Anything in here to dig with? (Mary Beth begins to panic) It was a joke, Mary Beth!

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Esposito is pinning a ribbon on Josie, the bag lady. It says 'Free Lacey'.
JOSIE: 'Free Lacey'.
COLEMAN: (coming up) 'Free Lacey'. I like that, Esposito.
ESPOSITO: Coleman, we're all notes on the keyboard of life. What do you say I sign you up for this seminar?
ISBECKI: If you ask me, I'd say we go and bust Dupnik in his face.
COLEMAN: (taking a ribbon off Esposito) Are you gonna charge me anything?
ESPOSITO: No.
(Isbecki takes a bunch of ribbons)
COLEMAN: Victor, they're not edible.
ISBECKI: I'm calling up reinforcements. I want one on every cop in Manhattan.
CORASSA: (into phone) What?!!! (he slams the phone down) I don't believe it! All the favours he owes me!! They're stonewalling us at Queens.
ESPOSITO: Well, the key here is not aggression. (he hands Corassa a ribbon) The key here is intense focus ...of all of our harmonic energy.
ISBECKI: I say we dynamite his house.

[Detention cell]

HARVEY: Babe! (Mary Beth looks up) Are you all right?
MARY BETH: Do I look all right, Harvey?
HARVEY: Well, your hair is kind of mushed.
MARY BETH: What do you think? They've got a maid-service here?
HARVEY: No, no. I just pictured a couple of stools. Maybe a sink. What did they do with the furniture?
MARY BETH: I burnt it to the ground.
HARVEY: A big fire?!
MARY BETH: What do you think, Harvey? This is it!! A lousy cot. A mattress you wouldn't wanna touch with clean hands, and all of a sudden you're sleeping on it. Who cares? Something inside you snaps. You become like this hunted animal. Like one of those people they find wandering in the jungle believing it's still World War Two.
HARVEY: Well, babe, you can't say you didn't make your point. (almost chuckling) Oh man, oh man, who would have thought, huh?
MARY BETH: What is so funny, Harvey?
HARVEY: Nothing. Nothing. Both the boys, they send their love.
(Mary Beth rushes to the bars and holds Harvey's hands)
MARY BETH: Oh, Harve.
HARVEY: Oh, sure, sure.
MARY BETH: They know what it's about? Injustice. They know it's a matter of principle?
HARVEY: Absolutely. Michael. I caught him lifting my hacksaw. He said something about hiding it in a cake. (Mary Beth breaks her grip with Harvey and turns away) And then there's his older brother. He's thinking about changing his name!
MARY BETH: I don't believe this!!!
HARVEY: I can't wait till our next night. Hey, you know, I never slept with an ex-con.
MARY BETH: Keep it up, Harvey, and maybe you never will.
HARVEY: Oh, come on, Mary Beth. I've seen that Droopneck. He's no match for you. (he beckons her) Give us a kiss. (she goes back to the they bars) Oh, baby.
(they kiss. Dupnik comes in)
DUPNIK: Visiting hours are over. (to Harvey as he leaves) You may kiss the bride.
HARVEY: You may kiss my butt!
DUPNIK: Well, ...Mrs. Lacey. I have to hand it to you. You're a caring, committed person. Certainly the neatest prisoner we've ever had the pleasure of.
MARY BETH: Are you all through now? Are you finished?! Because my husband has ID'ed me and I would like to go home.
DUPNIK: (leaning against the bars) Let me ask you something. What do you usually like to hear first? The good news or the bad.
MARY BETH: Don't start with me, Dupnik.
DUPNIK: You see, what I was coming down here to tell you is... that the paperwork seems to have disappeared. (Mary Beth jumps at the bars) Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Never enough hours in the day, huh? Now, ...what would help ...would be a er, letter ..a note. Anything that would absolve my Uniforms from any misconceptions that ...might have arisen from your arrest.
MARY BETH: You'll be drawing a pension first.
DUPNIK: Right. ...That's what I thought you'd say. (as he walks out) They said 'Go and talk to her'. And I said 'Why?! The woman's crazy'.
(he leaves, Mary Beth picks up the pillow, throws it at the bars and screams and then throws the blanket. She throws off the mattress and picks up the bed frame. It bangs the bars of the next cell and she thinks twice about throwing it)
MARY BETH: (going to over to the cell next door and talks to the woman detainee who is trying to sleep) I know. I'm sorry. I apologise. I will clear this up right away.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (on phone) A taxi!!?. ...No, a hearse!!! A missing hearse!! ...Yeah. ...All right. ...Tonight.
BERNICE: (holding a 'Free Lacey' ribbon to his face) It goes with your eyes.
CORASSA: Wait.
(he takes the ribbon from her and pins it to her uniform shirt)
BERNICE: Oh, Al!
CHRISTINE: (still on the phone, to Al and Bernice) Hey! Would you two cool it? (into phone) Thank you very much.
SAMUELS: (coming up) Cagney!
CHRISTINE: (into phone, shouting) Hello! ...Hello!!
(she slams the phone down)
SAMUELS: Cagney!!
CHRISTINE: What!! ...Oh, Lieutenant. Sorry, I'm not a lady today.
SAMUELS: What have you got on that geek's hearse?
CHRISTINE: Well, a Uniform in Rockaway, He saw the vehicle, ...before checking the hot sheet, ...and by the time they checked, it was ...gone.
SAMUELS: Too bad. It would have been nice news to bring to that Community Board meeting tonight. You do remember that it convenes at seven-thirty sharp?
CHRISTINE: Hey, where else would I rather be?
SAMUELS: (pointing to her jazzy sweater) You're not wearing that are you?
CHRISTINE: It's hot.
SAMUELS: Right. You take off now, so you can have plenty of time to fix yourself up.
CHRISTINE: (under her breath as Samuels goes off) Thank you so much.
ESPOSITO: (coming up as Chris prepares to go) If not tonight, can I put you down for a future seminar? (she slams her desk drawer closed) Oo! I'll take that as a definite maybe. (going back to Isbecki, Coleman and Corassa) So, what do you say, partner, can I put you down for tonight?
CORASSA: I don't know.
ESPOSITO: Oh! if it's just the money...
COLEMAN: You do look different.
ESPOSITO: My money is your money.
COLEMAN: You're different.
CHRISTINE: Good night.
ESPOSITO: Good night and have a beautiful night.

[Chris's loft]

(Chris is in a smart costume and eating. There is a rattle of the doorknob)
CHRISTINE: Yeah?!! (more rattling) I'm coming! I'm coming.
(she unlocks the door and opens it)
TONY: (coming in with a bottle of wine) Thank God for grapes! (and drinking from a glass) May the Force be with you. Mm! Let me pour you a glass.
CHRISTINE: (she closes the door. Sweetly) No thanks.
TONY: What?
CHRISTINE: You heard me.
TONY: I'm sorry. I thought I was hearing voices again.
CHRISTINE: Go ahead. Make jokes. I'm not the one with the problem. Do you know, every time you've crept in here, you have a bottle of wine in your hand? Did you ever think of giving it up?
TONY: What are we playing this time? "Carrier Nation"?
CHRISTINE: I'm serious, Tony.
TONY: That what makes you so challenging.
CHRISTINE: Step one. I'd like to see you come up here with, maybe, a quart of non-fat milk. Or maybe a nice, cold pitcher of lemonade.
TONY: Freshly squeezed or reconstituted?
CHRISTINE: Take it from me, Tony, I have never been clearer. I've been thinking thoughts that I haven't thought in... Well I, ...since I don't know when. (picking up a bottle and pointing to the label) Beer! Non-alcoholic. ...A very nice bouquet.
(she takes a swig. She has difficulty swallowing it. He begins to laugh)

[Detention cell]

(the cell next door is empty)
MARY BETH: Come on, Dupnik, do you wanna start something? Why don't you open this cage and hit me? Why don't ya. You're nothing but a great big bag of wind.
DUPNIK: Then how come all the hot air's blowing from your side of the bars?
MARY BETH: What is now down here? A game, is that what it is? You got nothing better to do than jerk around the wife and mother of three young children? One not yet out of diapers.
DUPNIK: (chuckling) I didn't jerk you around. You jerked yourself around!
MARY BETH: You knew who I was the minute I raised my hand!!
DUPNIK: The patrol guy...
MARY BETH: Don't talk about the patrol guys!!! I got juice, Dupnik and I intend to use it.
DUPNIK: A fat lot of good it's done you so far!
MARY BETH: OK. I am through being a nice person. You want trouble, I'm gonna give you trouble. I'm gonna carry the truth about you all over the Department.
DUPNIK: Consider the source! A crazed, hippie cop!!
MARY BETH: A hippie cop who happens to be an official delegate to the Detectives Endowment Association.
DUPNIK: Oh yeah! Well, so am I.
MARY BETH: Well, then listen up at the next meeting, wise guy, if you can stay up that late, when I warn our fellow detectives, that we've got hiding in our midst. A wolf in sheep's clothing.
DUPNIK: One look at your fangs, they'll give me a Purple Heart!
MARY BETH: And if that don't set off your hair standing on end, I am also, at present, the Recording Secretary.
DUPNIK: And I'm a Past Vice-President!! So ...what!!
MARY BETH: So ...I'm gonna write all about you in the official newsletter!
DUPNIK: Ha, ha, ha. My brother-in-law is one of the editors. Bunko with him, and it won't be a story!
MARY BETH: Oh yeah!! Well, ...I have friends too. My husband called one of them! Lynne Sutter!
DUPNIK: Ting, ting!
MARY BETH: You don't know her? You don't know her work? She works for the largest daily in Manhattan.
DUPNIK: So does my son. A paperboy.
MARY BETH: Well, you ought to know her work. She follows the Department very closely. She wrote that controversial piece on community disturbances down here. Come on! Lynne Sutter. Practically a household name. Everyone believes she's in league with the Commissioner. And you people in Queens can't use any more publicity.
DUPNIK: You're bluffing. You wouldn't dare.
MARY BETH: Joan of Arc, huh? Wait till your fingers get burnt.
(Dupnik makes a lunge, grabbing a cell bar. Mary Beth invites him to come on at her)

[Laceys' front veranda]

(Harvey is hugging Mary Beth)
HARVEY: I'm so happy to see you.
MARY BETH: You're getting short memories, Harvey. It's only been one single night. (Harvey kisses her passionately) Mm! Me too.
NEIGHBOUR: (as they break the clinch to go in) Hey, good evening, Mrs. Lacey.
(Mary Beth is embarrassed)

[Laceys' hallway]

HARVEY: (opening the door) Hey, look who's here!
(Alice is in her high-chair. Harvey Jr. is cleaning the table. Michael has a dustpan and brush clearing the carpet)
MARY BETH: Look at this. Feeding their baby sister.

[Manhattan street]

(outside of a building there is a sign 'WESTSIDE MID-TOWN COMMUNITY BOARD MEETING, ROOM 403)
CHRISTINE: (coming out with Knelman) I did what any sane person would do with a rabid dog in her face.
KNELMAN: Referring to the President of the Board as a dog does not show much community sensitivity, Sergeant. (Chris shouts back at a woman who has shouted after them) You've said enough. Not only did you defy Peter Gates but you presented a series of figures that any two-year old could have shot down. (handing the keys to a parking attendant) The brown four-door.
CHRISTINE: Inspector, those people were out for blood.
KNELMAN: Like that sweet old lady, Mrs. McIlroy?
CHRISTINE: A woman who would stand on her chair screaming (imitating a sweet old lady) 'I shouldn't take that from that little bitch!'. Hardly what I would call sweet.
KNELMAN: I have had my fill of your opinions, Sergeant. You need more practice.
CHRISTINE: Inspector, I'm not made to a PR job and there people who are trained...
KNELMAN: This ward meeting is your beat, Cagney. Next month, and the month after, and on and on, until those people are singing 'We love the boys and girls in blue' in the middle of Fifth Avenue on Easter Sunday. Understood?!!
(Knelman's car has arrived. He gets in)
PETER GATES: (striding across and yelling out) Sergeant Cagney, I'd like to have a word with you!
KNELMAN: (from his car) Think of it as a growth experience.
(Chris smiles sweetly as Peter Gates approaches)

[Chris' loft]

(there is a knock at the door. Chris opens the door)
TONY: (coming in with a carton of milk) Let's sit down with some calcium!
CHRISTINE: Would you tone down the cheerfulness? I've had a very hard day.
TONY: (picking up a glass) What's this? Leftovers from a past-life.
CHRISTINE: No. It is real life, happening now.
TONY: Let me have that. When you're slipping off the wagon, you need a buffer. Ever heard of moose milk?
CHRISTINE: What are you doing?
(there is another knock at the door)
TONY: You'll love it. Where's the sugar?
CHRISTINE: That's eight-year old Scotch that you're ruining.
TONY: Tell the eighty-year old lady who swears by it.
CHRISTINE: (having looked through the peephole) Who is it?
CHARLIE [OC]: Special delivery!
(Chris mouths 'Charlie' to Tony. She opens the door)
CHRISTINE: Hi, Charlie. What's that?
CHARLIE: (handing an envelope in) Never let it be said that Charlie Cagney welches on a bet.
(Chris looks back at Tony)
CHRISTINE: (to Charlie) Er, Pop, could we talk about this tomorrow?
CHARLIE: You are not gonna invite your honest father in?
CHRISTINE: (quietly) I have company.
TONY: Here's your moose milk.
CHARLIE: (coming in) Well, ...well, ...well. That's a particular favourite of my sainted mother's. (grabbing the envelope back) And I guess that that makes us even.
CHRISTINE: (closing the door) I was gonna tell you.
(she takes a sip of the moose milk and screws her face up)

[Detectives' Squad room]

CORASSA: Your seminar was more like a mass mugging!
ESPOSITO: Your problem is, you can't see an honest person.
(Mary Beth comes in)
CORASSA: My problem is, I can't stand you.
ESPOSITO: Taking you there was a waste of time. You can't enlighten a vegetable.
MARY BETH: (she picks up a 'Free Lacey' ribbon from a desk. To Coleman as he passes) Hey! It worked.
CORASSA: I know what this about, you wanna welch on the money.
ESPOSITO: Come on. I'm just trying to collect for my friend.
CORASSA: Fine!
ESPOSITO: Not you are you old, and manure, and a piece of white bread. Now you're a welcher too.
COLEMAN: Hey, Esposito!
ESPOSITO: Don't bug me, Coleman.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) Oh, welcome home!
ESPOSITO: (to Coleman) Every thing I said was true.
COLEMAN: Oh, yeah! A Jewish Gabby Hayes! And that's from a Puerto Rican. How-de-doodie!
COLEMAN: Forget the hired prostitute, Coleman. 'Cos I wanna put you in touch with your own conscience!
CHRISTINE: (yelling out) Will you guys grow up?!
ISBECKI: (staring into space. Kazak is sitting listening) Have you ever really looked at the steering wheel? You let it go and it comes all round bach to where it started. It makes you feel good all over. I don't know about anybody else, but I'm gonna go back there tomorrow.
COLEMAN: (quietly to Chris) Shallow ponds make for easy fishing.
SAMUELS: (from his office door) Lacey!! In my office. Now!!

[Samuels' office]

(he still has the neck support on)
MARY BETH: Sir. I know I embarrassed you. I embarrassed the whole Squad. I'm sorry. I used poor judgement. I know what you're thinking, sir. 'She knows better. She shouldn't have done it. She's no kid. I mean, her kids are old enough to have kids'. Well, the oldest one anyhow. 'And she doesn't set the world on fire like Cagney. Or even Esposito. She doesn't read the paper. I mean, she even votes Democrat. And all of a sudden, she's out there, on the picket line, getting busted'. And you're saying to yourself, 'Great God Almighty, what if the Press finds out?''. I know, I 'm with you, sir. It doesn't make sense. 'And there she was, trying to make Second-grade. It took her long enough. And now, it looks like she's begging to get back in uniform, so every day it can be lost dogs and parking meters. Standing in front of a place, first on one leg and then the other'. On the other hand, Lieutenant,... I'm never meant for this.
SAMUELS: (as Mary Beth starts walking out) Lacey!!!
MARY BETH: (springing back) Yes sir!
SAMUELS: Do me a favour, will ya. Just stay out of my face. Just for once. You got it!!! (Mary Beth half-salutes and turns to go again) And Two! any rotten job that comes along here, you jump at it!
MARY BETH: Yes sir. Thank you, sir.
SAMUELS: (as she is half way to the door) And Three! Just don't make yourself a real prat.

[Ladies room]

MARY BETH: You're upset, Christine, and I don't blame you, but you can't blame me for clinging to my principles.
CHRISTINE: I'm not blaming for clinging. It was that special way you clung!
MARY BETH: Sometimes when you're a person like me and you wanna make a point, you've gotta get up on your toes and yell a little bit.
CHRISTINE: Clear, at the top of your lungs?!!!
MARY BETH: Sometimes. OK, maybe I went overboard a little bit. I apologise. What, do you want me to say it again?
CHRISTINE: Look, it's only because I am interested in you. In your life. In your promotion. When you just go it alone when you were stepping out, you...
MARY BETH: When you were stepping out?
CHRISTINE: You heard me. I had a whole game plan going before you started mouthing off!
MARY BETH: What are you talking about?
CHRISTINE: You always have to mouth off! You're so damned overly emotional!!
MARY BETH: What game plan?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, come on. You've got to make Sergeant by the time I make Lieutenant, or they're gonna separate us.
MARY BETH: Oh, I see. And then I get to be Lieutenant when you get to be Captain?
CHRISTINE: That's right!
MARY BETH: And then you make Chief of Detectives and I make Inspector. How come you always come out ahead me in the game plan?
CHRISTINE: That's my plan. Anyway I've already got some of the steps set in motion.
MARY BETH: Oh yeah! Like you get to be President and I get to be Vice-President?
CHRISTINE: What's wrong with that?!
MARY BETH: Because nobody knows who the Vice-President is. That's what's wrong with it. He's always gone some place or en route! Name one Vice-President of Franklin Roosevelt. Go ahead. Try!
CHRISTINE: Henry Wallace.
MARY BETH: OK, you got lucky. Who else?
CHRISTINE: Harry Truman. What is the big deal here?!!!
MARY BETH: Maybe I ...have a game plan!! Did you ever think about that?! Maybe once I would like to be in charge.
CHRISTINE: Be my guest. We'll go to lunch. You pick.
MARY BETH: It's eight-thirty in the morning!
CHRISTINE: Perfect. We'll go early.
(Chris smiles. Mary Beth turns away in disbelief)

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