Divine Couriers
Original Airdate: February 23, 1987

[Detectives' Squad room]

COLEMAN: (coming down the stairs with Isbecki) I was thinking about going as a stockbroker but if somebody asked me about junk bonds I'd be sunk. Or I could be a doctor as long as no one asked advice.
ESPOSITO: Or you could go as a cop. You might be able to pull that off.
COLEMAN: Or a psychiatrist! I work with the lunatic fringe.
PETRIE: Sergeant, don't you think you're going a little overboard here?
COLEMAN: Come on. When I go back to my high school reunion I have certain expectations to meet. I'll see Peppermints this week.
ESPOSITO: Oh, that makes a big difference!
COLEMAN: Come on, she was the prettiest cheerleader at Dunkirk High.
ISBECKI: Ah ha! Is that who you're hiding anything your badge from?!
PETRIE: I am not hiding anything!
COLEMAN: (to Petrie) Don't you have to go to the dentist?
CHRISTINE: Times have changed, Mary Beth. You don't have to break out a ball gown to go to the theatre any more. Dressing down is the style that is in fashion.
MARY BETH: At least I can get a new pair of pantyhose. I can make Macy's before they close.
UNIFORMED OFFICER: Excuse me, Detective Lacey. I've got er, a customer for ya.
NATHAN MOFFET: Moffet. Nathan Moffet.
MARY BETH: (shaking his hand) How ya doing?
CHRISTINE: (shaking his hand) I'm Sergeant Cagney.
NATHAN MOFFET: It's my wife, ...Shirley. She's emptying our joint account.
CHRISTINE: The perils of wedlock, Mr. Moffet.
MARY BETH: If the cash is withdrawn legally, sir, we can't stop her.
NATHAN MOFFET: But you've got to! Somebody's got to stop her. The rate she's paying that con woman, we're gonna wind up broke!!
MARY BETH: How much money's involved, Mr. Moffet?
NATHAN MOFFET: Twelve hundred and fifty dollars already and no end in sight. I mean, how many messages can she send!
MARY BETH: I don't know, sir. Why don't you sit down and we'll start from the beginning? What kind of messages?
NATHAN MOFFET: To her brother, Ira. Alive he was a pain in the neck. Six feet under and he's still causing me grief.
CHRISTINE: Mr. Moffet, your wife's paying money to have messages sent to her dead brother?
NATHAN MOFFET: Yeah. "Divine Couriers" that's what she calls her service. A sleazeball rip off, that's what I call it!!! I mean, some people ...they got no heart. You know what I mean?
CHRISTINE: Well, Detective Lacey will take your information. (going off) Mr. Moffet.

[Manhattan street]

MARY BETH: It's a disgusting way to make a dollar. If they think they need it, they sell it to themselves.
CHRISTINE: My neighbour, Tony, he went to a palm lady. He swears that every one of her predictions came true.
MARY BETH: If she was wrong, does he get his money back?
CHRISTINE: It's not easy, but he certainly tied it to his credit card. But he said that she had tremendous insight.
MARY BETH: Do you believe in all this stuff?
CHRISTINE: No. It depends on the stuff. (pulling Mary Beth backs as she goes to walk under a ladder) Mary Beth!!! What are you doing? (steering her round it) Are you crazy?! Good grief.(Mary Beth steers Chris around the ladder) It's my test of fate?
(Mary Beth laughs)

[Divine Couriers office]

FAITH DEWNY: I'm a legitimate businesswoman.
MARY BETH: Your business happens to be sending messages to dead people.
FAITH DEWNY: In fifty words or less.
CHRISTINE: It's original, I'll give you that.
FAITH DEWNY: The way I see it, ...the real tragedy of death is the sense of things left unsaid. Things we neglect to say to our loved ones before it's too late. What I offer is a second chance. I can't begin to express the satisfaction it brings me.
MARY BETH: At two hundred and fifty bucks a message, that must be pretty satisfying.
CHRISTINE: Look, lady, we both (nodding towards Mary Beth) know you're running a scam here so why don't you give Mrs. Moffet back the money?
FAITH DEWNY: Oh, that's impossible! She has five messages posted and I already have the couriers assigned and paid for.
CHRISTINE: What do you do? Hire some angels?!
FAITH DEWNY: No. Terminal patients.
MARY BETH: Let me understand this. You hire people who are dying to deliver these messages?
FAITH DEWNY: That's right!! ...Well, you can check it out! And they're paid fifty dollars for each one they deliver.
CHRISTINE: Do they call you from the Great Beyond to verify delivery?
FAITH DEWNY: Oh, ladies! (chuckling) Ladies! What I deal in is faith. ...Faith. Our couriers will get the messages across. ...If there is an 'across' to get to. ...Well, if you don't believe that ...you have no faith. ...Well, I feel sorry for you.

[Manhattan hospice]

(a man in a dressing gown is sitting in a wheelchair)
CHRISTINE: Mr. Morimetz, how did this woman contact you to make the deliveries?
HERBERT MORIMETZ: Word gets around. My friend, Bekowitz, he told me about this woman offering money to people about to check out. I may be a martyr, but a buck is a buck.
MARY BETH: With due respect, sir. you don't seem very confident about getting these messages delivered.
HERBERT MORIMETZ: Well, let's put it this way, when I go, I don't expect Gabriel to come and greet me with a slide trombone. If she is willing to pay for my Smirnoff and cigars, who am I to refuse?
CHRISTINE: Do she pay you by cheque or cash?
HERBERT MORIMETZ: Ha, ha. Do I look like a greenhorn? Strictly cash.
MARY BETH: Any receipts for your payments, sir?
HERBERT MORIMETZ: Receipts? What for? It's not like I'm gonna be around next year to pay taxes! Do think I'm kidding here?
MARY BETH: Sir, for all we know, you and Miss. Dewey could be in cahoots.
HERBERT MORIMETZ: Cahoots?! Ha, ha. I'd rather test ice picks for Trotsky! The woman's a screwball. Do you realise that she makes me memorise all these messages and then she comes around later and has me recite them?
CHRISTINE: On the other hand it's a good way to make her services look legit.
HERBERT MORIMETZ: In a capitalist society anything is possible, nothing is legit!

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: We haven't got a case. It's a legit business.
MARY BETH: That's not what I call it.
CHRISTINE: You heard Morimetz. He's laughing all the way to the bank.
CHRISTINE: You cannot prove that her clients aren't getting what they paid for. You said it yourself. People get manipulated because they want to be. Nobody put a gun to their heads. They all had a choice.
MARY BETH: Don't tell me about choice. When my mother was dying, they came crawling out of the woodwork. This one and that one, all trying to sell her some sort of religious goods. The scabs!
(Chris's phone rings)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Yeah. Cagney. ...Is he there now? ...OK, can I ask you to do me a favour? Just hold on to Charlie until I get there. ...Well, try! All right! ...I'm on my way.
(she rings off)
MARY BETH: Charlie?
CHRISTINE: On the floor in Flannery's. Will you finish my Fives for me?

[Charlie's apartment]

CHARLIE: (distressed and very drunk) Not wanting to marry me is one thing. Refusing to see me... If she thinks I'm gonna come grovelling, she's got another think coming!
CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, Pop, she's not the last...
CHARLIE: It's not the first time a woman walked out, saying a guy ain't worth nothing, no way.
CHRISTINE: (encouraging him to drink a coffee) Drink it.
CHARLIE: It's too hot!!!
CHRISTINE: Sip it slowly. All right. Sip it.
CHARLIE: Oh, Chrissie, what am I gonna do? I don't know what I'm gonna do.
CHRISTINE: Give it some time, Pop,...
CHARLIE: No way. She said it's all over. She said she'd had enough of me. She didn't wanna be dragged down with me. I won't drag her down any place. I just wanted to be with her.
CHRISTINE: Well, why don't you call her up? Tell her how you feel.
CHARLIE: Chrissie, what good would it do?! She won't listen to me. She doesn't believe in me anymore.
CHRISTINE: (hugging him) I do, Pop.
CHARLIE: (suddenly breaking out of the hug) Hey, wait a minute! She might listen to somebody else.
CHRISTINE: Aw aw, Charlie.
CHARLIE: No, I need somebody who cares enough to try and convince her.
(Chris goes to the kitchen)
CHARLIE: Honey why are you mad at me? You're my daughter. If anybody could do it, you could!
CHRISTINE: Charlie, don't drag me into this. It's not fair.
CHARLIE: Fair?!!! What in the hell do you know about 'fair!!. You never even wanted this relationship to work. You never liked Donna in the first place! You never gave her a chance. (opening cupboards and drawers) You always thought you were better than she is. (finding a bottle) Yeah! Do you know what you are? Do you know what you are?! You're a snob! Just like your mother.
CHRISTINE: I don't give a damn what you say. I'm not gonna have you blackmail me into fixing your life.
CHARLIE: (going into his bedroom) Yeah! Don't do your poor old Daddy favours!!
(he slams the bedroom door)


(Mary Beth is snuggling on Harvey's shoulder)
HARVEY: The show should run out about ten. We should be home about ten thirty, ten forty-five tops.
MARY BETH: Unless we stop off somewhere cosy for a pizza with a coffee after.
HARVEY: If we don't waste any time we should have Mum home eleven, eleven fifteen tops.
MARY BETH: Harvey, I'm talking romance here. If Muriel misses a couple of minutes of Joan Rivers it's not a big deal.
HARVEY: Maybe Mum feels different.
MARY BETH: What do you mean?
HARVEY: I hope those seats are on the aisle. I mean...
MARY BETH: They're in the middle. What difference does it make?
HARVEY: It'll save time when the audience leaves the show.
HARVEY: She wants some time off to rest up.
MARY BETH: How much time are you talking about?
HARVEY: Three days a week.
MARY BETH: For how long?
HARVEY: For good.
(the cab arrives at the theatre)
MARY BETH: (to the driver) Thank you.

[Pavement outside the theatre]

MARY BETH: Harvey,...
HARVEY: (to the driver giving him a dollar bill) Here. Thank you, pal.
MARY BETH: ...I work. You work. Who's gonna look after the baby?
HARVEY: I don't know. We'll figure something out.

[Theatre foyer]

(they join the queue of people waiting)
MARY BETH: The boys can't give it a rest, can they? They're always at each other's throats.
HARVEY: Honey, that is not the case.
MARY BETH: It's the trip on the subway. I could hire one of those cab services. The fare from her apartment couldn't be that terrific.
HARVEY: Mary Beth, please, she needs some time to herself. She's not just a babysitter. She has a life of her own!
MARY BETH: (touching Harvey's cheek) I'll talk to her.
HARVEY: (shouting) I already did. That's enough!!! (the couple ahead of them turn round and stare. To the man) It's enough waiting don't you think? (to Mary Beth) It's hard enough for her bring this up in the first place. We'll just have to deal with it, that's all.
MARY BETH: Harvey, we're being searched here.
HARVEY: What?!
MARY BETH: The people with tickets are walking straight in.
HARVEY: Oh! Go ahead.

[Detectives' Squad room]

ISBECKI: (to Coleman)) Very sporting!
CORASSA: It makes you look twenty years younger.
ISBECKI: Twenty-five if you suck in your gut.
COLEMAN: (giving a twirl) You don't think the hair is too much?
CORASSA: I like it. Very ...Zero Mostel.
ESPOSITO: (coming up and putting a body-belt around Coleman's waist) Here we go. The pièce de resistance. Eight ninety-eight. (yanking it tight and fastening it) A barrier of steel!
ISBECKI: It's a girdle!!!
COLEMAN: It's not a girdle, Isbecki, it's a tummy tuck.
ESPOSITO: It's meant to make his high school cronies think he's an Adonis. So how does it feel?
COLEMAN: Terrific, if you don't have to breathe.
ESPOSITO: You breathe when the cheerleader goes home.
PETRIE: (coming in with Mary Beth) It qualifies as one of the best. Their educational qualities and outdoor playgrounds.
MARY BETH: Is there any that serve hot meals?
PETRIE: You better brace yourself, Mary Beth, there's not a lot out there to choose from.
MARY BETH: But the staff, they like their job? They enjoy being with the kids?
PETRIE: (giving her a card) Go and see what you think for yourself. Give the director a call.
MARY BETH: Thank you.
(Mary Beth sits down and picks up the phone)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) No, Mark, I'm fine. Really. It's just something came up and I'm... ...Yes, I know that Phil Collins doesn't come here very often. ...Look, I wish I could get out of it. I just can't. It's a family thing, and you know how that is. (Mary Beth delays making her call) ...Yeah, I'll take a rain check on it. ...I'll talk to you later then. ...Thanks Mark. ...Bye.
MARY BETH: What family thing?
CHRISTINE: Charlie. He wants to see me for dinner tonight.
MARY BETH: You're a good daughter, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I can sink cans like a good un.
SAMUELS: (coming up) Cagney. What's the status on that fraud investigation? (no reply) Cagney, are you with us here?
CHRISTINE: I'm sorry, Lieutenant. Would you say that again?
SAMUELS: The delivery service to the dead. Your job. One of the cases you're supposed to be working on.
MARY BETH: The Faith Dewey case. We're doing what we can.
CHRISTINE: It's a pity we can't find a crime yet.
MARY BETH: We're gonna check with Special Fraud, sir.
SAMUELS: Good. I want that swindle shut down.
MARY BETH: You're not the only one, sir.
SAMUELS: You're right on that. I get a lot of calls from downtown.
(Isbecki is standing listening)
CHRISTINE: Something we can do for you, Isbecki?
ISBECKI: No. I was just ...passing by.

[Manhattan street]

CHRISTINE: Trust me, Mary Beth, She'll come around.
MARY BETH: No she won't.
CHRISTINE: Believe me, in the right hands, children are an obligation. A very powerful tool.
MARY BETH: You broke a date with him. Big deal. Who is this Mark person anyway?
CHRISTINE: Another lawyer.
CHRISTINE: A personal injury lawyer, you know. Right?
MARY BETH: Ahrgh. But attractive, huh?
CHRISTINE: OK. He makes Paul Newman look like a troll. But I can see him anytime, right?
MARY BETH: Not with Phil Collins. Then again Charlie's family.
CHRISTINE: Right. You know what's depressing Muriel. Maybe it's not being with her friends.
MARY BETH: I bet, if you saw Charlie early enough, you can get to the concert by the intermission. And I'm sure that Mark'd be very happy. You'd be there.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. Maybe Charlie'd want to come home after dinner and talk a little. Now, maybe you could tell Muriel the kids need her guidance. A Special challenge.

[Special Fraud office]

BEAN: I didn't think you were going to be here. The Divine Couriers are winning fans all over town.
CHRISTINE: I take it we're not alone in this investigation.
BEAN: You take it right. I've had sixteen other detectives in here already. Each one more frustrated than the last. I even had a call from Inspector Knelman.
MARY BETH: Well, there's no yellow sheet on it. We ran it through the computer. Name and MO.
BEAN: What MO?! Having it isn't enough. She advertises in the obituary section. One complainant even claimed that she approached him in the cemetery while he was laying flowers on his mother's grave. Another time she entered into the funeral parlour handing out business cards.
(Bean Laughs. Chris smiles. Mary Beth gives Chris a glare)
CHRISTINE: You've gotta give her points for initiative.
MARY BETH: It's not an initiative, taking mourners to the cleaners.
BEAN: Ah Detective, believe me, I've got all these transgressors that I'd like to nail. Some of them are on TV. Some are in political office. My hands are tied on this one. So are yours!
(Bean laughs again)

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (into phone) I understand, Mrs. Gauleiter. Do you have any other friends who... ...I already tried her neighbour. ...Ah ha.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Well, to tell you the truth we're trying up the anti on the Dewey case. But maybe you'd like to help.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Ah ha. I understand.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) You too. I thought you Brooklyn broncobusters were hotshots.
MARY BETH: (into phone) What about that friend you and Muriel went to Atlantic City with? ...Aerobics, huh?! ...Three times a day. ...Yeah. Invigorating! ...Well, if you hear of anybody that you think might be interested, I'd... ...Thank you, Mrs. Gauleiter. ...Goodbye.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) I know my ship is bound to come in Grady. I'm getting a little cold and damp waiting at the dock!
COLEMAN: Lacey. (he gives her a sheet of paper) I've got a call that you might be interested in. Disturbance over at the St. Beatrice's Hospice involving one of your suspects.
MARY BETH: (handing he sheet across) Faith Dewey.
COLEMAN: The one and only.
MARY BETH: (to Coleman) Thank you.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Yeah. I'll get back to you, Grady. I've just had a call from the harbour man.
(Chris smiles, flicks the sheet triumphantly and gets up)

[St. Beatrice' Hospice corridor]

MICHELLE BONITO: I'm sorry to call you like this, but it's my first experience of a hospice situation.
MARY BETH: When did it start, Miss. Bonito?
MICHELLE BONITO: About an hour ago. Things like this shouldn't be allowed to happen. The dying patients have a right to their tranquillity. If they want a fight, they can go to the garden.
(they come along a corridor. Mrs. Gorley is sitting on a chair propped against a door. There is banging from inside the door)
MRS. GORLEY: (to Clara Osterman) I'm not letting her out of here until you ring the police!
CHRISTINE: (to Mrs. Gorley) Lady, you've got it! Now up!!
MRS. GORLEY: Well, it's about time you got here!
MICHELLE BONITO: (to Mrs. Gorley) Just hold on!
(the duo opens the door. Faith Dewey tumbles out of a cupboard into Chris's arms)
FAITH DEWEY: I want you to arrest that lunatic for assault and battery!
MRS. GORLEY: You! Stay away from my mother!! (making a lunge for Faith Dewey) Do you hear me, pervert!!!
(Mary Beth restrains her)
FAITH DEWEY: That, my friend, is entirely up to your mother!!!
(Mrs. Gorley makes another lunge. Mary Beth drags her back)
CHRISTINE: Hey, calm down and keep your hands to yourself!
MARY BETH: What is going on here? You first.
MRS. GORLEY: This bastard has been hanging around, blood sucking my mother!!
FAITH DEWEY: I am not blood sucking!!! I am offering these people gainful employment! I pay for services rendered.
(Mrs. Gorley makes another lunge. Mary Beth stops her and pushes her away down the corridor and follows her)
MARY BETH: Take a walk. You'd better pull yourself together, Mrs. Gorley or you'll be charged with assault.

[St. Beatrice' Hospice Kitchen]

MRS. GORLEY: Oh, that's just perfect. I could be charged with assault while that woman goes free?
MARY BETH: That is correct, Mrs. Gorley. If it makes you feel better, we currently have Faith Dewey under investigation for fraud.
MRS. GORLEY: I should have done more to her. I should have belted her right in her sanctimonious smile!!!
MARY BETH: Well, you're lucky that you didn't 'cos all you've got right now is disorderly behaviour. If Miss. Dewey decides to pursue this matter further.

[St. Beatrice' Hospice corridor]

FAITH DEWEY: I've got over a hundred messages and only six couriers to deliver them.
CHRISTINE: That's fifteen messages apiece. (she whistles) That's a heavy load to haul into Paradise.
FAITH DEWEY: You really think I'm a fraud, don't you, Sergeant?
CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, Dewey, show a little pride. You've got a first-class bunko scam going here. It's certainly one of the best I've ever seen.
FAITH DEWEY: You know, maybe if you were less cynical, and more spiritual, you'd realise what I offer.

[St. Beatrice' Hospice Kitchen]

MRS. GORLEY: But she's killing my mother!!!
MARY BETH: Mrs. Gorley, attempted murder is gonna be quite difficult to prove.
MRS. GORLEY: But! But she's feeding her chocolate when she's supposed to be on a bran diet!. Then! Then, that lunatic has got her up all night memorising idiotic messages!!

[St. Beatrice' Hospice corridor]

FAITH DEWEY: I'm talking about real faith, Sergeant. The kind people seek and never find. And not only from the churches, not from their priests, their Popes or their angels.
CHRISTINE: You leave the Pope out of this, OK?
FAITH DEWEY: Don't tell me you were raised by nuns, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: Have you got a problem with Catholics?
FAITH DEWEY: People need more than a man in a white robe waving at his flocks from a limousine. They need a reason, a faith. And that's just what I provide with the help of ...my wonderful ...dying friends.

[St. Beatrice' Hospice Kitchen]

MARY BETH: That would be up to the District Attorney, but the chances are you're gonna have to settle for harassment charges.
MRS. GORLEY: Harassment?! While that evil woman sucks the life from my mother!

[St. Beatrice' Hospice bedroom]

CLARA OSTERMAN: Can you imagine all the questions they'll have for me? 'Did my grandson get to law school? Has my brother lost the business? And is Sophie still living with the ice man?' Believe me, I earn every cent I make.
MARY BETH: Your daughter seems to think that Miss. Dewey is causing you some harm, Mrs. Osterman.
CLARA OSTERMAN: Causing me harm!! At least she visits me. She pays more attention to me than my own flesh and blood.
CHRISTINE: So you don't feel harassed or taken advantage of?
CLARA OSTERMAN: (to Chris) Oh, let me tell you something, young lady. When I found out I was going to die, I felt dead and empty. And along came this woman, like the answer to a prayer. She gave me more than just a job. She gives us a purpose. Something to die for!

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHARLIE: (coming in and pointing to Esposito) There he is! There he is! The new kid on the block.
ESPOSITO: That's me, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Esposito! Esposito, have you got any relatives in Carroll Park?
ESPOSITO: Oh, about as many as you have in San Juan!
(including Corassa, they all laugh)
CHARLIE: Hey, you're a funny kid. You know, back in the old days the only Puerto Ricans you'd see in here would be in handcuffs.
Now, Greeks, Jews, Blacks! (as a black uniformed officer walks past) What is this place? The United Nations. I remember when the Irish used to run the police force. Now the only Irish they've around here is a couple of women. (as Bernice Faverty walks by) Nothing personal, Faverty.
FAVERTY: (to Petrie) Here's the printout.
CHARLIE: Oh, printout. Computers! There's another beauty for ya. I used to know cops who would get bunions the size of vegetables chasing down leads. All you guys do now is push a button, tear of a piece of paper and, Bingo!! All your work is done for you!
PETRIE: It's another way of getting information, Charlie.
ISBECKI: (coming up to Charlie) Hey, today the rubber hose is the only thing that's missing.
CHARLIE: Hey, don't knock the rubber hose, pal. In my day that thing got me more convictions than all your buttons and discs put together. (seeing somebody he knows) Hey, Ralphie!! How are ya?

[Precinct House front desk]

COLEMAN: So I got to thinking, what if Estelle Pepperman drags me aside and wants me to check her molars? That could be an adventure! I'll be an optometrist! Put on glasses. I think I can fake my way through that.
SAMUELS: For crying out loud. It is just your reunion. Have a little faith. Be yourself!
COLEMAN: I'm trying to be myself. I'm just going to pretend I'm an optometrist. Look, you don't understand my Graduating Class With all those doctors, lawyers and professional types, they think that being a cop is close to hauling garbage.
(Samuels goes, the duo comes in)
CHRISTINE: Have some attitude with her, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Aren't you the one that was giving her Brownie points this morning for initiative.
CHRISTINE: Initiative is one thing, arrogance is another. The woman is too damn cocky. She hurts everyone in her path.
MARY BETH: No matter how much I wanted to see a crime at that hospice, all I see is a dying woman facing the end with a little hope.
CHRISTINE: That's why they're a hospice.. Is that what they did to your mother?
MARY BETH: Not really. This woman is getting something. My mother got nothing.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: I'd like to give her a painkiller. What with you give her?
CHARLIE: It's about time you showed up! Hi, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Hi ya, Charlie.
CHRISTINE: Hi ya, Pop, what you doing here?
CHARLIE: Checking up on you, Sergeant daughter. (picking up some files) It looks like a whole bunch of cases waiting you ought to wrap up.
CHRISTINE: Do you want to switch positions with me?
CHARLIE: (getting out of her chair) Oh, yes. Sure. OK. Sit down.
CHRISTINE: Now you sit down.
CHARLIE: I came by to take my little girl to lunch. You weren't here so I had to wait.
CHRISTINE: Well, I have a lot of work I have to wrap up here, Charlie. Why don't I meet you for something in a couple of hours.
CHARLIE: Oh, hey, terrific! Terrific. Have you talked to Donna yet?
CHRISTINE: Not yet, Charlie, I've been busy.
CHARLIE: Well, you've still got her number, haven't you? Five-five-five-four...
CHRISTINE: I know it! I know it.
CHARLIE: (getting up and to leave) I'm done! I'm done. Madam Jane's at six o'clock. Be there or be square! I hate to run but I gotta get to a UN meeting! See you, Mary Beth.
FAITH DEWEY: (coming in) Ah! Sergeant. (to Mary Beth) Ah!
CHRISTINE: An act of conscience bring you here?
FAITH DEWEY: No, Sergeant Cagney, a cab did. I have been barred from St. Beatrice's Hospice.
MARY BETH: They're within their rights, Miss. Dewey.
FAITH DEWEY: Oh, I've been through this before. It's harassment, pure and simple.
MARY BETH: Well, maybe who you want to talk to is a lawyer.
FAITH DEWEY: I already have. I am not guilty of anything. (to Chris) And you owe me the courtesy of enlightening my accusers.
CHRISTINE: Look, lady, I think you have us confused. Nobody gives a damn about what it is you are.
FAITH DEWEY: Look, if I've been doing anything wrong you would have arrested me. Right? But even if I admit it is all a scam, what could you do?
MARY BETH: Are you making a confession, because I'd be happy to take it down?
FAITH DEWEY: Allow me to be candid. Unless you can prove that there's no afterlife, I haven't broken any law. Irritating as that might be, Detectives, I suggest you change your mind. Now, unless you'd like to hear from my lawyers, I expect you to make those calls. Goodbye.
CHRISTINE: No doubt about it, we are definitely persecuting that poor woman.
(Chris leaves, Mary Beth follows)

[Ladies room]

CHRISTINE: You know she's guilty. I know she's guilty. Everybody is saying 'We know she's guilty' There's not a damn thing we can do about it!
MARY BETH: Maybe one of us could die and if there is no afterlife, he other one could go and arrest her.
(Mary Beth laughs)
CHRISTINE: Have you found any sitters?
MARY BETH: No, not yet. Petrie's place was all filled up Muriel's friends are either too busy or deceased.
CHRISTINE: Ah, well, maybe we could send one of them a message!
MARY BETH: People wanna believe in something, Christine. That's how come a con like Dewey has customers.
CHRISTINE: Hey, I keep voting Republican!
MARY BETH: Let's not get into politics, OK?
CHRISTINE: I believe in me, Mary Beth. What do you believe in?
MARY BETH: My family.
CHRISTINE: You mean you put your faith in Harvey?
MARY BETH: I was speaking about our kids. The part of you that keeps on going.
CHRISTINE: So if you don't have any kids, you don't have anything to believe in?
MARY BETH: No, I... I didn't say that!
CHRISTINE: Well, what?
MARY BETH: I believe in ...the good part of people. The part ...that's the best part that ...we ...are able to be.
CHRISTINE: The Gospel ...according to Walt Disney!
MARY BETH: Christine, ...there are reasons why friends should never discuss religion.

[Laceys' bedroom]

HARVEY: Mary Beth, pushing our problem back on Mum will not solve it.
MARY BETH: Did you like those places we looked at tonight?
HARVEY: They weren't so bad.
MARY BETH: Well, if they're not so bad, maybe you could work it up to so-so. If you're mother'd give us some time.
HARVEY: She's already given us sixteen years, babe.
MARY BETH: How am I supposed to send my baby away from our home and stick her with a bunch of people she doesn't know.
HARVEY: Your baby? What are you talking about? You think I don't love our baby? You think I don't want her home with us all the time. I do. As much as you do! But we are not millionaires. We are regular people, with a fat mortgage. We both have to work for a living. So we send our kids to strangers during the day. So does everybody else. That is life in the Big City. So you can go ahead. You can blame Muriel. You can blame me. You could blame this ceiling if you want to. But it doesn't change anything!
MARY BETH: I'm sorry, Harvey. I'm not blaming you or Muriel.
HARVEY: Mary Beth, I'm sorry too. I don't know what I'm yelling at you.
MARY BETH: It's not only Alice. Who's gonna be home for the boys when school is out?
HARVEY: Harvey. He's old enough.
MARY BETH: You really think he's gonna come rushing home to take care of his little brother?
HARVEY: Yeah. Some days it'll be his job. Other days Michael will go to the boys' club or the Y. We'll work out a schedule.
HARVEY: It'll be fine, babe. Honest.
MARY BETH: Yeah. (they get into bed and Mary Beth puts the light out) I sat on our stoop for three hours because my new key didn't fit he lock.
HARVEY: When? What are you talking about?
MARY BETH: I was eleven years old and I figured that the guy in the dime-store, that he filed it down, so I kept rubbing it on the sidewalk and trying it again. And I swore, up and down, when I had a kid I was never gonna leave the house. (a thoughtful pause) Everybody grows up. Eh? ...Life gets complicated.
(Harvey snuggles up)

[Donna La Marr's apartment]

(Chris is holding a photo of Donna in her show biz days)
DONNA LA MARR: Yeah, that's me, all right. Before I lost the war with gravity. (as she pours a drink) Charlie send you here?
CHRISTINE: No, ...it was my idea.
DONNA LA MARR: (a disbelieving chuckle) I'll bet. How is he, anyhow? (Chris takes the drink from Donna and half-shakes her head) Another hard night on the oval bar stool, huh?
CHRISTINE: As a matter of fact I just put him to bed. Look, this wasn't easy for me to come here. But Charlie needs you.
DONNA LA MARR: So he says.
CHRISTINE: (acknowledging the drink) Cheers.
DONNA LA MARR: Chris. Your dad is an alcoholic. He drags the people closest to him down. Well, I'm a survivor, honey. I don't drown that easy.
CHRISTINE: (putting down the glass with a bang) Well, if you don't wanna help him, I'll help him myself.
DONNA LA MARR: (as Chris walks to the door) Oh, so what are you gonna do?! Keep searching for bottles? Keep scraping him up off the sawdust? He is working you just like he worked...
CHRISTINE: (shouting) That is not true!!!
DONNA LA MARR: Oh no!!! Then why isn't he here? A man pushing seventy, sending his little girl to do his job. You are not helping Charlie by trying to rescue him. Nobody can help him unless he decides to help himself. (as Chris opens the door) Chris, ...the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
CHRISTINE: What's that? One of your almanac homilies.
DONNA LA MARR: Look, ...we both love Charlie. But unless he faces his problems, there's nothing you can do.
CHRISTINE: Alleluia!
(she leaves)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Mary Beth rushes in)
PETRIE: Any luck finding a place for Alice?
MARY BETH: Still no luck. The place you told us about was all filled up.
PETRIE: Well, I know they have waiting lists. The better ones anyway.
MARY BETH: Yeah. Even the ones that are only OK. To tell you the truth, Marcus, I was not impressed with any of the places we saw. All these kids crying, walking around with wet diapers.
PETRIE: Sounds like all of them.
MARY BETH: I hate the whole idea.
PETRIE: You know, the first time I dropped Lauren off, she didn't wanna go. Started crying. I sat in the car watching Claudia drag her inside feeling like the worst father in the world. But then ...the weekend came. Lauren started crying because she couldn't go on Saturdays. Children are very resilient. More than parents.
(Chris rushes in)
MARY BETH: Good morning, Christine.
CHRISTINE: We are up against a big fat, stone wall, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: And 'Good morning to you too, Mary Beth'.
CHRISTINE: I was just about to say that.
MARY BETH: I think we should a different tack on this Dewey business. What do you say we give the DA a call?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you cannot build a case out of nothing.
MARY BETH: What I'm saying here is go pick his brains.
CHRISTINE: With Feldberg that will take all of about twenty seconds!
MARY BETH: Got a better idea?
CHRISTINE: (putting her coat back on) Smoking son of a nun.
MARY BETH: Whatever you say.

[Precinct House front desk]

COLEMAN: (as the duo rushes through) Cagney, you father's on the phone.
CHRISTINE: I'm out the door!

[Parking lot]

MARY BETH: (as they get out of the car) You'll have to tell him sometime, Chris.
CHRISTINE: I'll tell him after the Knicks game tonight, Mary Beth. Why break his heart now when I can break it later? Donna's not going to come back to him. 'Let him go', she tells me. Saturday is not a nice day to break up with my father. Nobody takes care of family like family, right?
MARY BETH: Thank you, Christine.
CHRISTINE: I didn't mean it that way, believe me.
MARY BETH: Maybe you could get an idea from one of those alumni meetings. Or you could go to Bermuda.
MARY BETH: Yeah, why not? Failing that we could go to the Caribbean. I hear it's very nice there this time of year.
MARY BETH: Well, I couldn't let you go by yourself, Christine. Let's face it, you need me for your alibi.
CHRISTINE: Do you think we could get the cover to buy us buy a week?
MARY BETH: We could go to one of those little islands where nobody speaks English.
CHRISTINE: And nobody wears any clothes. We happen to be walking in the direction of La Guardia.
MARY BETH: Thirty minutes, tops.
CHRISTINE: A plane probably leaves every hour.
MARY BETH: Sounds about right?
CHRISTINE: A long, white, sandy beach.
MARY BETH: Coconut Slings with little umbrellas. Swimming from lagoon to lagoon.
CHRISTINE: The only exercise I'd get is flopping my towel on the poolside. If there was an Adonis who wanted suntan lotion applied to his back, I'd be more than happy to lend a hand.
MARY BETH: By the time we get home, Harvey would have already found day care.
CHRISTINE: And Charlie would have got back Donna. I feel so hurt.
MARY BETH: Alice is gonna be with strangers.

[DA's Office corridor]

FELDBERG: (as they come out of the lift) Maurie. Maurie, he's the one, right?
FELDBERG: Maurie Stenbacher. He put you up to this, right?
CHRISTINE: Give us a break, Feldberg.
FELDBERG: It's just like that little prankster. I mean, he's always hocking me for a cheap laugh. And you can tell me though, where's the camera?
CHRISTINE: Do you wanna cut the crap?!
FELDBERG: Hey, I really do. Well... Now look, I do wanna thank you ladies for transforming an otherwise boring day into one that borders on the ridiculous.
MARY BETH: (grabbing Feldberg by the sleeve) Listen, Feldberg, we're looking for some assistance here. Some direction you think we might take.
FELDBERG: How about, out the door.
CHRISTINE: Oh, he's a professional!
FELDBERG: Look, look, look, look. I do want to help you nail, if you'll excuse he pun, this little shepherd of our nearly-departed to her holy pew. If we have the case! I however, I do not operate the store for wayward detectives seeking a cheap case with funny questions. And, ladies, you are supposedly officers of the law.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) And he wouldn't smell even if he saw us.
FELDBERG: Now, the keyword here is 'Law', Cagney. I'm sure you have some vague understanding, some inkling of the workings of jurisprudence.
MARY BETH: He not gonna do this, is he?
FELDBERG: Some knowledge of the concept...
CHRISTINE: We get the point!
FELDBERG: Look, you don't like the fact that she's taking advantage of all these little old ladies. Neither do I. Unless it's my ex-mother-in-law, then ...open season.
CHRISTINE: (turning away) I knew we could count on you.
FELDBERG: Look, this is not Dodge City! (after them as they walk away) And you can't list someone because you don't like their morality!

[Chris's loft]

(Chris and Charlie are watching the Knicks game)
CHRISTINE: I talked to her.
CHRISTINE: Welcome back.
CHARLIE: Ah! Well, we'll try again in a couple of days. Donna'll come around. You'll see.
CHARLIE: Hey, come on Chris, don't tell me you're giving up that easy. I mean, what about all the things I've done for you?
CHRISTINE: That isn't the point, Charlie!
CHARLIE: Oh, come on, please. One more try for your old Dad. Eh? I mean, make her understand how miserable I am. How broken up I am over her leaving. I can't live without her.
CHRISTINE: Stop it!! I shouldn't have talked to her in the first place and you shouldn't have asked me, and you know it!
CHARLIE: Yeah, you're right. ...You're right! I'm a schmulla. An old boozer with few joys in life. Nipping at the brandy jar is one of them.
CHRISTINE: You're my father. You're OK by me.
CHARLIE: Even when I screw up?
CHRISTINE: Especially when you screw up. How else would I know it was you?
(Charlie laughs and puts his arm round her. She giggles)
CHARLIE: You sure know how to take care of your old man, don't you? I mean, you are there when I need you. You always pick me up when I'm down. Listen. OK. You don't owe me anything. But you better remember this, kiddo. Nobody is ever gonna love you as much as I do.
(he kisses her on the cheek)

[Detectives' Squad room]

COLEMAN: (to Corassa) Al, you had to see it to believe it. There she was, Estelle Pepperman, and she's fawning all over me like I'm Dirty Harry or something.
ISBECKI: You're kidding?
COLEMAN: No, I am not kidding. She couldn't believe how exciting my life must be. She says she admires a man who lives on the edge.
ESPOSITO: (bringing in a suspect) Where was your wife? At home in bed.
COLEMAN: It just goes to show ya. To thine own self be true.
ESPOSITO: Did you let her touch your gun?
(Petrie chokes on his coffee)
COLEMAN: Esposito, my wife was there!

[Precinct House front desk]

CHRISTINE: How's things with Alice Christine?
MARY BETH: We found a place.
CHRISTINE: Great!! Something you're OK with?
MARY BETH: Harvey has a lot of faith in these people.
MARY BETH: (taking a message from Chris) Thanks.
CHRISTINE: How about you? Are you happy?
MARY BETH: No. 'Happy' is not a word I would use. I'd rather wait until she was sixteen to send her out into the world. The best I can hope for is that she'll get used to it. Maybe Petrie is right. Maybe she'll get to like it. I don't know if I will.
CHRISTINE: You're a good mother, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Ask Alice when she's eleven.
FAVERTY: You've got a customer.

[Detectives' Squad room]

HANSEN: I don't want Millie to think that I stopped caring, but there just isn't any more money. Every month I deposit my cheque. I never realised how much I was giving Miss. Dewey.
CHRISTINE: Did she encourage you to send more money?
HANSEN: Well she asked if I had anything more to say and, of course, I always did. Now I owe for the rent, the lights, the gas. Everything.
MARY BETH: Well, we would like to help you, Mr. Hansen, but you did give her your money voluntarily.
HANSEN: In other words, I've been an old fool. (getting up) Well, thanks for nothing.
PETRIE: (having watched Hansen leave) What if you have something on him and don't even know it?
ISBECKI: I tell Cagney this. She will never let it go.
PETRIE: You don't have a choice.
MARY BETH: I don't think he'll make it through the month. Dewey stole the bread from right out of his mouth.
CHRISTINE: I hate it when a con artist is smarter than we are.
PETRIE: Victor has some information that might be of help.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. What?
ISBECKI: It's a little embarrassing.
PETRIE: Come on, Victor, it's not that big a deal.
ISBECKI: It is for me!
CHRISTINE: What is it, Victor?
PETRIE: Tell 'em.
ISBECKI: I sent a message to my mother.
CHRISTINE: You what?!!!
(Isbecki tries to make a run for it. Petrie stops him)
MARY BETH: Oh, gee, Victor.
ISBECKI: OK. I knew I was hustled. If she can actually send a courier to get a message to my mother...
PETRIE: The woman is a scam artist.
MARY BETH: And a good one.
ISBECKI: All right. I guess I am a sap.
SAMUELS: (coming out of his office) Yeah, Victor, you certainly are. That was the drop on that Dewey? I want her head on a platter with an apple in her mouth! Cagney and Lacey, you take her down. Somehow. It's a matter of honour now. She attacked one of our own!

[Faith Dewey's apartment]

FAITH DEWEY: First they persecuted Jesus. Now me. Who's next on the list? Hm? Faith healers? Astrologers? Oil robbers?!
CHRISTINE: Oh, give it a rest, Dewey.
FAITH DEWEY: You're just trying to offer succour and comfort and all you get is intolerance! Well, this time, I intend to fight it!
MARY BETH: Miss Dewey, would a Victor Isbecki be a client of yours?
FAITH DEWEY: Victor! Yes, of course! I can see an open-minded, young man.
MARY BETH: Isn't that a coincidence? Victor's one of our favourites too.
CHRISTINE: Yes, not only close personal friends, but professional colleagues. Detective Victor Isbecki of the NYPD.
MARY BETH: One of the most respected men on the Force, wouldn't you say, Sergeant Cagney?
CHRISTINE: Oh, 'respect' is not a word that does Detective Isbecki justice.
MARY BETH: True. This a man loved and admired by everybody. Rookie and veteran alike.
CHRISTINE: One of a kind. No doubt about that.
MARY BETH: And you ripped him off, Miss. Dewey. Now Detective Isbecki has friends who will stand behind him. Do you get my drift?
CHRISTINE: A cop on every corner and they all know your name.
MARY BETH: If you think you know about harassment, lady, you don't have an inkling.
CHRISTINE: You walk done Fifth Avenue and with your shoelace untied, we'll start picking on you for indecent exposure.
MARY BETH: Breathe twice on the wrong side street and we'll pull you in for environmental pollution.
CHRISTINE: And the legal system is so busy.
MARY BETH: You wouldn't believe it. It sometimes takes months for even the simplest cases to get to court.
CHRISTINE: Innocent people have been known to stay locked up for years.
FAITH DEWEY: You know, it just so happens, ...I was considering heading for the North. ...Canada maybe. ...My flock is everywhere.
CHRISTINE: Well, Dewey, I'd say it's time to get the flock out of here.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (coming back) Congratulations, Victor, Faith Dewey is heading North. She's gotten out of town.
ISBECKI: Yeah, I'm glad I could be of some help.
MARY BETH: You was, Victor. You saved a lot of grieving people out there from being bilked.
ISBECKI: That's great.
IMARY BETH: Thank you, Victor.
(a smart young redhead comes in)
WOMAN: Detective Isbecki?
ISBECKI: Is there something I can do for you?
WOMAN: I just thought it might be helpful to get a look at you, that's all.
(Chris nudges Mary Beth to look)
ISBECKI: Sorry, I don't understand.
WOMAN: I figured your mother ought to know how you're holding up. I want you to know that even though I'm delivering other messages, your words are committed to memory. Victor, I'm gonna find your mum. Tell her how you felt. How you always loved her. I will find her. I truly believe I will. I have to believe. ...We all have to.
MARY BETH: Faith moves in strange ways.
CHRISTINE: It's so mysterious, Mary Beth.

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