Easy Does It
Original Airdate: February 9, 1987

[Detectives' Squad room]

ESPOSITO: (following Coleman in who is carrying the post) I was just trying to lighten your load.
COLEMAN: Keep your mitts off mail addressed to a senior officer. (giving some mail to Josie, the bag lady) Here you are sweetheart.
ESPOSITO: I saw it first.
COLEMAN: (dropping a letter in front of him) Corassa. You'd better take care of that. That's a low case move, Esposito.
ESPOSITO: That from the originator of the California Earthquake book...
COLEMAN: (holding up a large flat envelope) Isbecki!
(Isbecki takes it from him and sits down)
ESPOSITO: ...and the Central America Invasion book?!
COLEMAN: (to Isbecki) That's your last issue. It's time to renew. (to Esposito) No wonder you don't get your cases closed. You've got your nose into everybody's business.
(a female uniformed officer comes up)
UNIFORMED OFFICER: Esposito, your phone is ringing.
ESPOSITO: (to Coleman) We're not finished yet.
COLEMAN: We are.
ESPOSITO: (into phone) This is Detective Esposito. How may I help you?
(Chris comes in looking rough)
MARY BETH: Good morning, Chris. (Chris waves her gloves dismissively) Coffee?
CHRISTINE: Please. And some aspirin.
ESPOSITO: (into phone) Why don't you give me a break?! Handcuffs and vegetable oil were never meant to be used that way.
COLEMAN: (coming up to Mary Beth at the coffee table) There's a message from the electrical store. That's the third time this week she's called. Cagney. I've got a Bloomingdale's catalogue and one from an Idaho ski place..
MARY BETH: Thank you, Sergeant. This way we get good delivery.
COLEMAN: (holding up a letter) This one arrived in the Squad mail.
(Esposito grabs the letter)
ESPOSITO: From Cactus Blossom, Arizona. I've gotta run this to the Lieutenant.
COLEMAN: (grabbing it back) Get your mitts off of that, son.
PETRIE: (grabbing it from Coleman and holding it up to the light) Ooh! It looks like it's from a travel agent.
COLEMAN: Damn it, Petrie, give me that back!
ESPOSITO: (shouting out) I'm taking Samuels, vacation or retirement, six to five! Youuu pick 'em!!
SAMUELS: (from his office) Cagney! Lacey!

[Samuels' office]

(he takes a swig from a medicine bottle)
CHRISTINE: Yes, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: This just came in. I want the two of yous to get on it right away. Armed robbery.
CHRISTINE: (taking the crime sheet) At an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting?!
SAMUELS: We're not talking stealing dimes from winos. This is in a very upscale neighbourhood. They stood up in the middle of the meeting with their thirty-eights, passed around garbage bags and took everything! Cash and furs. Jewellery, watches. I want you to talk to these victims, you know, and try and come up with something. Huh?
CHRISTINE: Yes, Lieutenant.
MARY BETH: (to Samuels as Chris walks out) Definitely. Excuse me, sir. It's probably something that I should bring up with you.
SAMUELS: Yes, Lacey.
MARY BETH: Er, ..on the nose and the top of your lip, sir, it's er...
MARY BETH: It's er, like a milk moustache, sir.
(Samuels wipes off the remains of the medicine)
SAMUELS: Anything else, ...Detective?
MARY BETH: No sir.

[AA meeting room]

JUDGE CHARNAS: I was speaking as a lecturer and I saw everything. Normally I'm very, very critical of eyewitnesses. They're not always reliable. Ha. Guess the shoe's on the other foot today?
CHRISTINE: (folding her arms) Are you a lawyer?
JUDGE CHARNAS: I'm Justice Bruce Charnas. Criminal Court, floor five.
CHRISTINE: I thought I'd seen you before. I've been in your court. More than once.
JUDGE CHARNAS: That you have, Sergeant. And if memory serves, and it usually does, you made quite a strong kind of a witness.
JUDGE CHARNAS: Not prepared to be intimidated.
CHRISTINE: You were speaking about alcoholism in the legal profession?
JUDGE CHARNAS: Ha, ha, ha. I was speaking from the perspective of a drunk.
(Mary Beth is sitting interviewing two women)
MARY BETH: And what is your name?
BEVERLY NOICE: I knew I shouldn't have come here.
WOMAN #2: Couldn't you get this information from someone else?
MARY BETH: Ma'am, she was sitting closest to one of the perpetrators. Now maybe she saw something nobody else saw.
BEVERLY NOICE: I don't believe this. I spent the entire night staring at a bottle. And now, this. This is only my third AA meeting.
MARY BETH: Miss er...
BEVERLY NOICE: Noice. Beverly Noice.
MARY BETH: Thank you, Miss. Noice. Can you describe either of the two men?
BEVERLY NOICE: I can't. I didn't actually see their faces.
MARY BETH: What, they were covered? They had like masks?
BEVERLY NOICE: No. No, I was just afraid to look at them. All I could look at was the gun. I'm sorry, I didn't actually see anything.
JUDGE CHARNAS: I had this feeling that something was wrong as soon as they walked in. I mean er, suits and ties were right, but they were on the wrong guys.
CHRISTINE: Well, you seem to have covered every detail. Thank you very much.
JUDGE CHARNAS: Look, if you need any additional information, you know where to reach me.
CHRISTINE: Yes. Criminal Court, floor five. I'm glad I contacted you somewhere else.
JUDGE CHARNAS: Ha, ha, ha. Listen, my association with AA is no secret, believe me. I'm now sober. I gave up secrets about the same time that I gave up booze. (holding out his hand) Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: (shaking it) Judge Charnas.
MARY BETH: (to Beverly Noice) I wanna try something with you. OK? (taking out her gun and unloading it) There's a man with a gun, huh? Now er, what did his hands look like?
(Mary Beth extends her arm holding the gun in front of Beverly Noice)
BEVERLY NOICE: (wincing) Huh?
MARY BETH: Describe this hand to me.
BEVERLY NOICE: Er, his nails were dirty. He had these er, stubby little fingers. I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't help you.
WOMAN #2: You're doing just fine. He was dressed extremely well. A three-piece suit.
MARY BETH: Yeah, but about the hand. (holding the gun out again) Now I think you noticed something about that hand, huh? Try and picture it.
BEVERLY NOICE: The gun was in his other hand.
MARY BETH: His left hand?
MARY BETH: Did he have a ring?
BEVERLY NOICE: No. But on the back of his hand there was a er, a tattoo ...like a cross.
MARY BETH: What kind of a cross? Like a crucifix?
BEVERLY NOICE: No, no, it was more like a swastika.
MARY BETH: Excellent, ...Miss. Noice. Very good.

[Manhattan Street]

MARY BETH: Two white males, mid-thirties, both on the short side of six feet. This is good. We've got two consistent identifications here.
CHRISTINE: Sounds like Quincy Jones and Miles Davis.
MARY BETH: With or without the tattoo? I figure the swastika tattoo on the back of the left hand is not the usual three-piece look, Chris.
CHRISTINE: We'll run it through the computer.
CHRISTINE: So what are you and Harvey into tonight?
MARY BETH: Tuna and noodle casserole. We saw it on TV. How about you? Probably something exciting, huh?
CHRISTINE: Well, I'm looking for a long luxurious bubble bath followed by my falling into the comfort of my very expensive Chardonnay and a very cheap tomato and nut sauce.
MARY BETH: That sounds terrific.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, too bad I can't do it. Charlie wants me to come over. He says it's very important. He's got a surprise! And he's invited Donna too.
MARY BETH: Oh, that's nice. They're still seeing each other, huh?
CHRISTINE: Oh, sure. I hate surprises.
MARY BETH: Yeah. Especially when they're unexpected.
CHRISTINE: All the time.

[Charlie's apartment]

CHARLIE: (holding a glass and a bottle and sounding slurred) Do you know what your problem is, Donna? Your problem is that you can't tell the difference between hard-core booze and a little, happy celebration.
DONNA LA MARR: Happy celebration?!! Is that what you call this?!
CHRISTINE: (coming in having found the door is not locked) Knock, knock!
CCHARLIE: At least I was celebrating.
DONNA LA MARR: Aw! And then along comes mean, old Donna and ruins your good times.
CHARLIE: Hey, you got that one right, lady.
DONNA LA MARR: Do you want me to care about you, buster? Then you start caring about you!
CHARLIE: Old bustler!
(Donna leaves, slamming the door)
CHRISTINE: I'll say one thing for her. She knows how to make an exit!
CHARLIE: Oh, who needs her. I mean, Donna wouldn't know if she wanted to team up if it came right up and slapped her on the butt!
CHRISTINE: What happened, Charlie?
CHARLIE: I ask the woman to marry me, and she throws it right back in my face.
CHRISTINE: You asked her to marry you?!!!
CHARLIE: What is it with you women today, huh?
CHRISTINE: (trying to stop Charlie as he pours some more drink) Don't do that, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Hey!!! No!! Don't do this, daughter. All I wanted, Chrissie, was everybody to be happy. Is that a sin or something, I mean, to celebrate with the two women in your life?
CHRISTINE: Charlie, it would have been better if you hadn't been drinking.
CHARLIE: I told you to shut up about that!!!
CHRISTINE: Don't say that, Pop.
CHARLIE: Hey, hey! Get out of here!! (throwing her coat at her) Hey, who needs you here?! I'm sick of all your whining!
CHARLIE: (opening the door) Now, come on, I don't want you here!!
CHRISTINE: No! I'm not going!
CHARLIE: Don't you talk back to me! Come on !! (grabbing her by the arm and throwing her against the door) Get out of here!!!
CHRISTINE: Stop it! (crying) You're killing yourself. You know!
CHARLIE: Oh, boy.
(Chris closes the door)
CHRISTINE: What's happening to us?
CHARLIE: (pleading) Hey, Chrissie, I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry.
CHRISTINE: OK, Pop. I don't know what to do. I'll do anything you say. (as he starts to tidy up) We can work this out, Charlie. If you can leave it...
CHARLIE: No, no, it's too late.
CHRISTINE: (nearly crying) No, it isn't!! You just have to try harder, that's all. Even junkies get off it. I'll come over every night. I'll make you dinner. I don't know what to do.
CHARLIE: You stay with me, Chrissie, please. ...Just stay.
CHRISTINE: (as he begins to sob she puts her arms around him) I'll stay with you, Charlie. I'm not going anywhere.
CHARLIE: (breaking down) Oh, Lord.

[Laceys' kitchen]

(Mary Beth, in an apron, is making the casserole. Harvey comes in wearing a suit and tie and with his raincoat around his shoulders)
HARVEY: Candide! (he walks towards her throwing off the raincoat) Candide. (he takes her in her arms) Come with me.
(he kisses her)
MARY BETH: Harvey!
HARVEY: (turning her round in a slow dance) It's swing time, sweetheart.
MARY BETH: You look just like Johnny Carson.
HARVEY: Frank Sinatra. (looking at the casserole) That's for the kids. I want you to put on your best dress. We're picking up Arty and Frannie Lemada and heading for Nick Botaglia's Ristorante.
MARY BETH: Do you wanna tell me what's going on.
HARVEY: I told you. It's swing time.
MARY BETH: Well, er ...do you wanna give me a reason why?
HARVEY: (continuing to dance her round) Yes, I'll give you thousands of reasons why. (he takes a whole bunch of dollar bills out of his pocket and giggles)
MARY BETH: You won the lottery?
HARVEY: Ah, la bella soldi.
MARY BETH: Oh, Harvey, that money belongs in a bank!
HARVEY: This is ours! (he puts bills inside her apron) The good times are here! You gotta go, powder ya nose! We've got some serious celebrating to do!
(they dance out of the kitchen door)

[Nick Botaglia's Ristorante]

LUIGI: (coming up to a table for four who are looking at the menus) Excusi. The visitors, they order the antispasti to start. And I say 'OK'. (pouring wine) But to you, the real New Yorkers, I offer only three words. 'Oysters a la Italia'.
HARVEY: Ah, Luigi, that sounds incredible.
MARY BETH: Yeah. What is it?
LUIGI: Signorina, it's heaven.
ARTY LEMADA: Sounds impressive, Harvey. Glad I ain't paying for it.
MARY BETH: Well, I had a big lunch, so I think I'll have a salad.
HARVEY: No. No. No, not tonight. (collecting up the menus) Tonight all the ordering is Luigi's responsibility, and Luigi, I have only two words for you. 'The best'! (to Arty) I told Mary Beth, today I got this new contract.
MARY BETH: You did?!
HARVEY: Yeah. Arty hasn't heard it yet.
ARTY LEMADA: Yeah, I should have done like you said, Harve. You know, top of the line.
HARVEY: Genuine Athenian interior. Corinthian.
MARY BETH: Harvey, I like our car.
FRANNIE LEMADA: (to Mary Beth) I'm back in school again.
MARY BETH: Oh yes.
FRANNIE LEMADA: Yeah. I'm in a still life class. A male nude.
MARY BETH: Wonderful.
HARVEY: Anyway, the way I see it, the real art of having money is knowing how to spend it.
ARTY LEMADA: Very good, Harve.
MARY BETH: (to Harvey) Listen to that. Let's dance.
HARVEY: (as he gets up to dance) Hey, Luigi, don't let us go dry. You know. No rain, no flowers.
MARY BETH: (as they begin to dance) No rain, no flowers. So, how is the new Harvey Lacey feeling?
HARVEY: You ain't seen nothing yet, babe.
(he bends her over backwards and kisses her. She laughs self-consciously and smiles across at the Lemadas)

[Detectives' Squad room]

ESPOSITO: (showing Petrie a sports jacket) Hey Marcus, check it out.
PETRIE: Hey, Jets!
ESPOSITO: Hey, you got that right. Don't panic. Come on, I want you to ...try it on. ...Come on. Come on!
PETRIE: Fine, but it's not me.
ESPOSITO: Oh, get out of town. Don't tell me that's not good Jets' blood thundering through those veins. Now, come on, tell me you don't feel the difference.
COLEMAN: (who has come up, points to Esposito's New York jacket ) Clones?
ESPOSITO: (to Isbecki who is passing by) Hey, Victor, check this out. Tell me, is this hip or what?
ISBECKI: It's different, Marcus. Hold it. (he adjusts Petrie's tie) Now it works.
ESPOSITO: (to Petrie) There you go!
COLEMAN: Esposito, now you're like dry rot eating away at the foundations of the Fourteenth.
ESPOSITO: What is your problem, Sergeant?!
COLEMAN: I don't like you taking bets on the Lieutenant's personal life.
ESPOSITO: Is he going on vacation or is he going to retire? That's the Lieutenant's decision. I don't make up these things. I mean, I'm merely an observer.
PETRIE: Hey, my name is embroidered on this jacket!
COLEMAN: I took a chance. It doesn't mean you've gotta buy it. I just want you to experience it and we'll talk about money later. All right?
SAMUELS: (coming up) Coleman, what happened to last week's duty rosters? Is that you, Petrie?!
SAMUELS: It looks ...good!
(Esposito puts up his thumb)
COLEMAN: In the in-box, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: (pointing to the jacket as he goes to his office) Look for you next game, Detective.
ESPOSITO: (following Samuels) Sir, I think you should know, I can get these jackets, any team, any sport. (Samuels hold out his hands) Now you tell me, come on sir, what's your favourite. Maybe the Phoenix Suns, huh?
(Samuels laughs)
COLEMAN: Excuse me, Lieutenant, line four for you.
SAMUELS: (turning to a phone) Yeah, yeah.
(the duo comes in)
CHRISTINE: (to Samuels) Can we see you for a couple of minutes, please?
COLEMAN: It's important, sir.
(Samuels goes to pick up the phone)
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant,...
COLEMAN: It's very important, sir. It's the Mayor.
SAMUELS: Koch? Mayor Koch, ...for me?
COLEMAN: No. Mayor Kesselman from Arizona. Mayor of Cactus Blossom.
CHRISTINE: (to Coleman) He's a gay!
SAMUELS: (to Coleman) You tell him I'll be back to him in a while. OK? (to the duo) Come on.
ISBECKI: (as Samuels and the duo disappear into the office) Nobody goes to Cactus Blossom unless they're saying 'Adios' to the rat race.

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: Three hours ago we had an AA armed robbery. I hope you've got something this time.
CHRISTINE: Totally different descriptions of the perps.
SAMUELS: Sergeant, they are the bad guys.
MARY BETH: We all think so, sir. We put together these identikits based on the witness reports.
CHRISTINE: Seems that our boys are the masters of disguise. The first time out they were very uptown. (pointing to one image) Business suits and blow-dry hair.
MARY BETH: This time they dressed up more arty-crafty.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, you know, sports coats with leather patches. (pointing to the other image) And one of the perps showed up with hair on his face.
SAMUELS: I don't care whether they dress like Michael Jackson or Imelda Marcos. We got an MO here or not?
CHRISTINE: We think we could make this collar if we went undercover, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Well, you can forget that. I've already got two teams out on the Hanson homicide. We're stretched too thin as it is.
MARY BETH: Sir, both meetings took place within ten blocks of one another.
CHRISTINE: It's a relatively small territory.
CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, Lieutenant, they act like they hit Mother Lode in the Fourteenth!
SAMUELS: What did the computer kick out on those cockamamie tattoos?
CHRISTINE: Larks of May.
MARY BETH: It's a prison gang tattoo, sir.
CHRISTINE: It'll take days to track them all down. If we went undercover, we could nail them. I guarantee it would be faster.
SAMUELS: All right, you wanna go undercover. Ok, you got it. But you and Lacey, you're on your own.
CHRISTINE: A wise decision, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Let's be clear on one thing.
MARY BETH: Yes sir?
CHRISTINE: (already out of the office) Absolutely not.
SAMUELS: I am not pulling any detectives off the street for this.
ESPOSITO: (coming in) I hope you have a great trip, sir.
SAMUELS: What are you talking about?
ESPOSITO: Well, we heard that you're heading out West.
SAMUELS: You stick to your crime busting, Detective!
ESPOSITO: Yes sir.
(Esposito retreats)

[Locker room]

CHRISTINE: Hey, Mary Beth, what do you say we go to Flannery's?
MARY BETH: No thanks, not tonight.
CHRISTINE: Come on, we'll have one drink to celebrate.
MARY BETH: Celebrate what?
CHRISTINE: It's Thursday. ...Harvey just finished that big job. We'll celebrate that.
MARY BETH: Harvey's celebrated enough for all of us, Chris.
CHRISTINE: Ah, toting around with the boys, huh?
MARY BETH: No, he did not! Harvey... (looking round to see if there is anybody else there) He hasn't been himself these days. ...Moneywise.
CHRISTINE: Since he got this contract. he thinks he's Daddy Warbucks?
MARY BETH: He has been very generous lately.
CHRISTINE: They love to play the big-spender! It makes them feel important. Let him take you out for a night on the town!
MARY BETH: I did. I still have heartburn.
CHRISTINE: So what's wrong with a little spending spree.
MARY BETH: Little!! Chris, he called me today. He told me he's looking at a pool table! And a humidifier for the rec room!
CHRISTINE: Well, at least he has the family in mind. I think that's nice.
MARY BETH: Anything we buy for the house, we always decide on together.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, listen to me. Would you relax and enjoy it. You and Harvey are coming up in the world, huh?
MARY BETH: Yes, I know. We still have three kids and the same bills. Only now we also have a mortgage and a house to furnish. Things can happen. You have to be prepared.
CHRISTINE: Look, you guys deserve to have some good times. Would you stop worrying? So he acts like a kid in the candy store. So what?
MARY BETH: How much candy can make you sick?
CHRISTINE: The one thing you learn in life, Mary Beth, is that too much of a good thing is never enough! Huh?
CHRISTINE: If you can't please yourself, who you gonna please?
MARY BETH: Night, Chris.
CHRISTINE: (shouting after her) You only live once, but if you do it right, ...once is enough.
(Mary Beth waves back)

[Laceys' lounge]

(Harvey is working on some new equipment. Mary Beth comes home)
HARVEY: Hi ya, honey!
MARY BETH: What is this? You bought a new hi-fi?
HARVEY: Hi-fi does not apply, Mary Beth. This is a studio-quality digital, multi-medium, full-dimensional sound system.
MARY BETH: Correct me if I'm wrong, Harvey, but aren't all our old records gonna sound pretty much the same?
HARVEY: Hey, stand over here, close you eyes. ...Stand here.
MARY BETH: How about we get something we need, Harve?!
HARVEY: Close your eyes. ...Are they closed?
MARY BETH: Yes, they're closed.
HARVEY: (giving her a peck) This ...is a feast for your ears!
MARY BETH: I'm still full from Nick Botaglia's.
(Harvey uses a remote control to start a Nat King Cole song)
HARVEY: That's quality! Right? Doesn't he sound as if he's right here in this room?
MARY BETH: If he were here, Harve, we wouldn't be able to feed him. Honey, you're spending all our money.
HARVEY: It's value for money, Mary Beth. It's gonna last a lifetime. That's practically a penny a day.
MARY BETH: That is not pennies, Harvey! The other night went eighty-five years-worth of piano lessons!
HARVEY: I put money in the bank!!
MARY BETH: I am wondering what is next, Harve!
HARVEY: What do you say. I have a red porch parlour and a mistress!
MARY BETH: (pushing him backwards) Oh! I don't know! Maybe you ought to ask the new Harvey Lacey! The one who doesn't like the way things are around here!!
(she leaves the room kicking one of the hi-fi boxes on her way)

[Chris's loft]

(Tony is squatting by a rowing machine with the instruction manual open)
CHRISTINE: (singing) 'Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream'. (nearly falling off the settee with a glass of wine in her hand) Why did I buy that damn rowing machine?
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: They build the best pecks in New York.
CHRISTINE: (pulling back her cardigan to show her bust and giggling) Oh, you noticed! Thanks. Actually I couldn't say no to the kid behind the counter. He was so cute! He had wide shoulders and narrow hips and the sweetest little, dimpled smile. (leaning forward) I'm a sucker for good teeth. How about you, Tony?
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: Among other things.
CHRISTINE: (raising a leg in the air) Well, I'm always open to possibilities.
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: You get to be very popular that way.
CHRISTINE: Yes, Christine. You're the sweetest. Aren't you through with that thing yet, Tony?
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: (as she crawls towards him) You can't rush genius!!
CHRISTINE: (grabbing the manual) I think you need a woman's touch.
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: (grabbing the manual back) Oh, I just think you talk too much!
CHRISTINE: I happen to be very, extremely efficient. Very! Did you know that I built a ship-in-a-bottle?
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: I built ...a hospital with Tinker Toys. My mother thought I'd be a doctor.
CHRISTINE: Building a hospital with Tinker Toys cannot compare with building a ship-in-a-bottle. Not according to Charlie. (she goes down on her elbow at the foot of the rowing machine so she can look up into his eyes) Do you know, you remind me of my father?
TONY STANTINOPOLIS: (laughing) Anything about your old man that you've neglected to tell me?
CHRISTINE: (sitting up) You have a dirty mind, Tony, ...but I like that!
(as Chris goes back down on her elbow, he laughs again)

[AA meeting room]

HAL: (standing up at the front) ...I'm doing it one day at a time.
(the duo comes in)
MARY BETH: I'm gonna sit at the front.
CHRISTINE: I'm gonna stand at the back.
HAL: I'd like to thank my son, Peter, for hanging in this first year and celebrating my anniversary with me. Gee, I love you, son.
(there is a young boy in the front row. Everybody applauds)
AA LEADER #1: Thank you, Hal. Who'd like to go next? ...Laura?
LAURA: My name is Laura and I'm an alcoholic.
ALL: Hi, Laura.
LAURA: This is not all easy, because I like to drink. Correction! I love to drink. (there is a general chuckle) The guys told me I could drink like a man. (Chris looks uneasy) Hearing that meant more to me than I had dynamite legs or pretty eyes. Drinking like a man was part of my image. But I never drank on the job in my life. It never interfered. (Chris looks down) Of course I did drink after work, one one. But I'd unwind. Man, I unravelled! (laughter) Anyway, I wanna share that I feel good today. Thank you.

[Squad car]

MARY BETH: (reading from a leaflet) 'Is drinking jeopardising your job or business?'. No. 'Do you want a drink the next morning?'. Are they kidding? Boy, one little drink with an umbrella, I'm knocked out for a week. No. 'Do you drink alone?'. My Auntie B wouldn't even go to the bathroom alone. No. 'Is drinking making your home life unhappy?'. I'm very happy with my home life. ...Mostly. 'Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?'. Huh. Ah, that's a tough one. Like sometimes when it's been a hard day or the boys are at each other again, or Alice goes crazy because she's teething, I have to admit, I have a glass of wine, ...or a beer ...to quiet my nerves. I like beer.
CHRISTINE: They're not talking about an occasional beer, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Well, I admit it's not too often, but I have to say yes to this one, Christine. 'The first test is awareness' they say. 'You have to keep alert to the danger signs'.
CHRISTINE: (almost under her breath) Give me a break.
MARY BETH: 'Do you resent the advice of others who try to stop you drinking?'.
CHRISTINE: Are you gonna read every question on that entire list?
MARY BETH: It's very interesting, Christine, you ought to take a look at this.
CHRISTINE: What for?
MARY BETH: Well, it's informative for one thing. But I never think of drinking as a disease.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, informative, my butt. Those questions are used as scare tactics. Some poor slob who just wants a couple of drinks to smooth off the rough edges is already beginning to think he's an alkie.
MARY BETH: I think that's the point they're making, Chris. Alcoholism can creep up on you. You know that. ...Charlie, I mean.
CHRISTINE: Well, Charlie got used to it. Me, I can take it or leave it. Anyway drink goes out of fashion. It's a matter of willpower.
MARY BETH: I was very impressed with those people. I mean, it takes a lot of courage to speak up like that. They have problems but they're facing up to them.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. I just saw a lot of people hanging on to each other.
MARY BETH: 'Is drinking affecting your reputation?'.

[Manhattan street]

(as a woman gets out of a cab, Samuels with a case runs up to take it)
SAMUELS: (to the woman) Excuse me. (to the cab driver) Hey, we've got a time problem here. Can you get me to La Guardia in forty minutes? Arizona Skyways.
CAB DRIVER: I can't get you anywhere until you get in.
(he hears a woman screaming. Across the street she is struggling with a man)
WOMAN: Stop! ...Stop!!
SAMUELS: (running across the street and abandoning his case in the cab) Hold it! Police!
(he pursues the man down the pavement but after a few yards pulls up holding his chest and sinks to the ground)

[Metropolitan Hospital room]

(Samuels is in a bed. A doctor finishes taking his blood pressure. The duo, Petrie, Isbecki and Coleman are gathered round the bed)
SAMUELS: Do I look like a certain goner here? I didn't have a heart attack!
CHRISTINE: Well, you certainly sound all right, Lieutenant.
MARY BETH: How are you feeling?
SAMUELS: I feel fine! Doctor said it was a warning, that's all. I like the way they dress you up for a public funeral. ...That's a joke!
MARY BETH: Oh, that was a good one, sir. (laughing loudly) I'm glad to see that the old sense of humour is still in tact.
SAMUELS: Yeah, all I gotta do is relax a little.
ISBECKI: Having seen the nurses here, sir, I don't think that's gonna be an easy thing to do.
PETRIE: We'd best move on, Victor.
PETRIE: Take it easy, Lieutenant.
CHRISTINE: Nice room.
SAMUELS: You're right. Great view of the doctors' parking lot. It's real restful watching them come and go in their German cars.
CHRISTINE: (turning to a side table) Oh, look here. The flowers are great, huh?
SAMUELS: Yeah, that's something. That's from my son and daughter-in-law.
COLEMAN: Well, you got your window and you got your television.
MARY BETH:(pointing to the TV) And you got your ice hockey for tomorrow.
SAMUELS: It's cancelled.
CHRISTINE: (looking at her watch) Er, excuse me, Lieutenant, we hate to be wet blankets, but the perps changed their MO. Yesterday they hit an alumni meeting. There's an AA meeting scheduled in the target area this afternoon, so...
SAMUELS: Well, you keep me informed. Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: Certainly will. There's no reason for you hanging around, Coleman. It's Saturday afternoon. I've got all the basketball games on the TV.
MARY BETH: Get some rest, sir.
(Chris nods to Mary Beth and they leave)
COLEMAN: Sort of figured you for a hockey fan. Islanders or Rangers. Not much hockey in Arizona.
SAMUELS: Not a lot of stress there either. ...Chief's hat waiting for me. Cactus Blossom!
COLEMAN: Chief-of-Police?
COLEMAN: I thought this was all about your retirement.
SAMUELS: Yeah, yeah. Not far off, Sergeant. Last year in Cactus Blossom they had ...one stolen golf cart. Ha, ha. And two burglaries. Cushy job. (the phone goes. Into phone) Yeah, Samuels here. ...Oh, ...Thelma. ...Sure. ..Yeah, yeah, come on up. (he rings off) My ex. She's come to see me.
COLEMAN: Yeah, well that's nice. That's nice. Say 'Hello' to her for me.
COLEMAN: You take care, Bert.

[AA meeting room]

MIKE: I can't do it. You don't break habits so easy. I know I did wrong. But I ...washed her, ...put her to bed. ...I know you tell me I'm supposed to just ...leave her there. But I've been picking up my wife and cleaning her up for years. ...I know that she has never once um ...smelt herself ...or felt her clothes ...sticking to her. ...God, I want her to stop drinking! ...And I don't ...want her to die. ...But it's just so hard ...to ...let her go.
(he raises his hands to indicate he has finished. There is general applause)
AA LEADER #2: Thanks, Mike. I think we time for one more.
(Donna La Marr raises her hand)
DONNA LA MARR: My name is Donna.
ALL: Hi Donna.
DONNA LA MARR: And I have a man friend ...and he's a drunk. (Chris looks round at her) Sometimes I really love the guy. A lot of the time I don't. I feel like a cat on a fence. I can't jump one way and I can't jump the other. But now I have to do something fast, because Charlie wants... (Mary Beth looks towards her) Charlie, that's his name. Well, he wants me to marry him. And right now ...I just can't. Maybe if we...
(Donna notices Chris. Chris looks across at Mary Beth who is looking at her)

[Outside the AA meeting room]

DONNA LA MARR: You're doing the best thing you can do, Chris. Not for Charlie, but for yourself too.
CHRISTINE: Is that so?
DONNA LA MARR: Have you been to an alumni meeting before?
CHRISTINE: No, this is my first. Look, Donna, I've really got to go.
DONNA LA MARR: Oh, you'll see, and you'll learn how to really help him. But will you learn to let him go? I know some other great meetings. If you'd like to go with me. I'd like that.
CHRISTINE: It's been great seeing you, Donna. I'm sorry, I have to run now.


CHRISTINE: If you'll excuse the expression, I need a drink. (as the waiter gives them the menus) What are you having, Mary Beth?
MARY BETH: (to the waiter) Thanks.
CHRISTINE: You Sergeant says its OK.
MARY BETH: Soda water for me, with lime if you have it.
CHRISTINE: Living dangerously, I see. I'll have a white wine.
MARY BETH: Ten million people in the City of New York, we bump into Donna La Marr.
CHRISTINE: Some days you get lucky.
MARY BETH: She seemed very nice. Really concerned for Charlie.
CHRISTINE: Right. Did you see those two guys in the tweed jackets. I could have sworn that they were our perps? And then they got up and started hugging and kissing everybody in that room.
MARY BETH: I picked up some of er, those alumni pamphlets. They talk about... (to the waiter as he brings the drinks) Thank you. ...the cool alcoholic.
CHRISTINE: (sniggering) Is that the guy who holds the glass for you?
MARY BETH: I don't think so, Chris. (handing her the pamphlets) They say it could be a family member or ...a friend even.
CHRISTINE: We have an AA step meeting this afternoon. We have another alumni meeting tomorrow morning. We're up to our bangs in the temperance movement. Cheers.
MARY BETH: They all look so put together. Not that all drunks are laying in gutters.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, Betty Ford.
MARY BETH: I feel like I'm walking on eggshells here. I don't know what to say to you.
CHRISTINE: Well, I mean everything.
MARY BETH: Never mind.
CHRISTINE: (putting down the menu) I'm not very hungry, Mary Beth. Is it OK if we get out of here?
MARY BETH: Whatever you say, Sergeant.
(Chris finishes her wine)

[Laceys' dining room]

(Mary Beth comes home. There is the sound of an engine running)
HARVEY: Hi honey!
MARY BETH: Have you lost your mind?
HARVEY: Eh? It's a mower. (turning off the engine) It's a snow blower too, babe.
MARY BETH: Harve, you're scaring me.
HARVEY: Oh, Mary Beth. ...Honey, ...I am allowed ...allowed to be a little stupid with our money. We are allowed to do things that we couldn't do before.
MARY BETH: I've been clipping coupons my whole life, Harvey. That's a hard habit to break. I don't ever want to have to struggle again!
HARVEY: Are you saying that my success is a fluke?
MARY BETH: I said no such thing, Harve!! I believed in you when you didn't believe in yourself!
HARVEY: It would be nice if we could both believe in me at the same time!
MARY BETH: Yeah, but you're going out on your own, Harve. (pointing to the mower/snow blower) This is not us, Harve! Not any more!!
HARVEY: Do you know what? You act like you are a slave of the money. Nothing bad is gonna happen. Mary Beth, I wanna see you enjoy yourself this one time. I'll make you a deal! I'll make a deal with you. The mower goes back, but you've gotta spend the nine hundred bucks it cost on yourself.
MARY BETH: Nine hundred dollars? Nine ...hundred dollars!!! ...On myself?
HARVEY: By Wednesday. Otherwise it comes back here and it sits in this dining room until Spring.
MARY BETH: You're serious.
HARVEY: You go and have yourself a great time, babe.
(he goes upstairs. After a minute Mary Beth follows him)

[AA meeting room]

DOCTOR EISENBERG: I became a doctor so I could save peoples' lives. So when I need to save my Ma's, I can't do a damn thing about it. I know, I know I am not supposed to do anything for the alcoholic they can't do their self. It's my mother, for God's sake. My Dad's gone and there's no one else. I tried it all. Yelling. Begging. Stealing her bottles. And I figured it must be me. If I could just figure out what I was doing wrong, then I could make her stop. Ma keeps drinking. I feel so afraid to leave her alone. I mean, what if she fell and hurt herself? I finally realised it. I'm not helping her. I am powerless over her drink. I have got to learn to take care of myself.
PERP #1: (standing up with a gun) Jewellery time everybody. Nobody move.
PERP #2: (getting up with a gun too) Don't do anything you will regret. We don't want any violence today. OK.
PERP #1: Just work together as a team. Keep the wallets clean.
PERP #2: OK, now we want everything in the bag. I mean everything. Your wallets, your jewellery. Oh yeah, and don't forget those watches, please.
DONNA LA MARR: (trying to take off a ring) It's stuck. I can't get it off.
PERP #2: Get it off, or your finger goes with it, sweetheart. The fur coat too, please. Thank you. (to one of attendees who has the bag) Over there! Get over there. OK. Everybody start taking them off. (to another attendee who is sitting next to Chris) Just throw in the wallet. Another couple of rings. Lets go. (to Chris who is into her handbag) Come on, come on, don't make it a life's work, toots. (he stoops to take the bag) Just throw it in the bag.
CHRISTINE: (putting her gun in his throat) Drop it. (he drops his gun) Don't call me 'Toots'.
PERP #1: (to the other perp) Hey, Cooly! What are you doing?
MARY BETH: (standing up beside him with her gun at his temple) Hold it! Don't breathe!
CHRISTINE: Stand up! Stand up!!
MARY BETH: (grabbing the other ones gun) Put your hands where I can see 'em.
CHRISTINE: Turn around! Hit the table!
MARY BETH: Back away and lay on the floor.
CHRISTINE: You have the right to remain silent...
MARY BETH: Get down on the floor!
CHRISTINE: ... a court of law.
(Donna is looking at Chris)

[Samuels' office]

(there is a strange singing sound)
ESPOSITO: Mating whales. (putting an audio tape cassette case in front of Samuels) Very scary and special, sir. And yet those lonely, haunting cries are so soothing, they lower blood pressure, and improve REM periods.
SAMUELS: REM periods? Where are you and Corassa on those gypsy cab pickups?
ESPOSITO: Oh, read it in the file.
SAMUELS: Good. Thanks very much.
PETRIE: (coming in with Isbecki) You got a minute, sir?
ESPOSITO: (taking the tape out of the machine) And, you see on the flip side of this we have "The Winds of Easter Island". You never heard such peace.
SAMUELS: Right. I'll buy a set.
ESPOSITO: Whoa, Marcus, (who is wearing the Jets jacket) what a job!! You look good! I don't need the money for a week. Oh, good morning, Victor.
ISBECKI: (handing him a video cassette) Lieutenant. (as Samuels looks at it) Just the thing for your work out. Knockout women, flashing their beautiful bodies.
SAMUELS: Thanks.
ISBECKI: I hope you don't mind, sir, it's a ...copy.
SAMUELS: No, it'll be fine.
SAMUELS: (pointing to a book that Petrie is holding) I hope that's work!
PETRIE: Well, in a way, sir.(rushing round to Samuels' side of the desk) I think this will help you. It's the single man's guide to microwave cooking. There's some kosher soup. ...This carrot pudding is very effective.
SAMUELS: (to Petrie) Thanks. (to Isbecki) Do you know of anybody who's got an aspirin?
ISBECKI: Sir, I never get a headache.
PETRIE: The rabbit stew increases cranial circulation.
SAMUELS: (getting up and leaving the office) Aspirin. I said aspirin. I need an aspirin!

[Detectives' Squad room]

(as he comes out Corassa and Coleman come up with gifts)
SAMUELS: Now, give me a break, will ya. The doctor said to stay away from pressure and all this stuff I'm getting to relax me is driving me completely crazy!
COLEMAN: (handing him a big box) This is going to provide tranquillity.
(Samuels rips open the box and takes out a sports jacket)
SAMUELS: Oh, Rangers! Hey, hey!
COLEMAN: Er, look in the pockets. sir.
COLEMAN: The pockets.
SAMUELS: (taking out two tickets) Oh! hey! Yeah! This is gonna relax me all right. And the Leafs. We always beat the Leafs. What do you think, Coleman? Do you wanna come with me?
COLEMAN: You're on.
SAMUELS: (yelling across the room) Hey, everybody, listen up! I'm back!! I'm here and I'm staying here! So, thanks for your gifts, but no thanks. Donate 'em somewhere! Back to work, all of ya!!
(there is general cheering and jeering)

[Samuels' office]

COLEMAN: (following him back in) I heard you turned down Cactus Blossom, sir.
SAMUELS: They turned me down. Got a Captain from Philadelphia.
COLEMAN: It's their loss, sir.
SAMUELS: Besides, I gotta face this thing here. They got no ...pastrami there. And I gotta cope with pastrami. You can't run away from it.
COLEMAN: No matter what. I'm glad you're staying.
SAMUELS: Do you happen to have an aspirin?
(Coleman leaves. Samuels unfolds a New York Rangers ice hockey jacket and holds it in front of him)

[Ladies room]

MARY BETH: So, I come in, and I'm wearing this gorgeous little purple hat, with a little curled up brim. A cloche they call it. It's like Greta Garbo wore in "Ninotchka". And I did a little turn in front of Harvey and I said 'What do you think, Harve?'. And he says 'I think it's great. What else did you get?'. So I said 'This is a Jasper Conran original. It's design, Harvey. This is it'. 'Nine hundred dollars' he says. 'You spent nine hundred dollars on a hat!'. 'Harvey,' I said 'You told me 'Have a good time''. But then Harvey gets this kind of shot up look on his face, and to tell you the truth, I was kind of worried about his blood pressure. So that's when I told him about the washer and dryer. Twenty percent off, I got. Plus ...the purple cloche. (going into a WC) California avocado, the both of them. A matched pair. The washer has four different cycles. (from the WC) And it's got this little light around the dial that kind of stays on all the time, so at night when you go down the basement in the dark you'll be able to see this blue glow. (Chris is breaking down) It just glows even if all the other lights are off. And the dryer has this little bell that ting-a-lings during the last cycle so it tells ya so the clothes don't just sit there. (coming out of the WC) They don't crease in the hot air. So they come out all fluffy and smooth, no ironing whatsoever. Did you ever see anything like that in your life? (realising Chris is distressed) Christine?
CHRISTINE: It's nothing.
MARY BETH: Oh, don't give me 'Nothing'. What is it?
CHRISTINE: My Dad's a drunk. I can't make him stop. (breaking into tears) I don't know how.
MARY BETH: (putting her arm around Chris) Hey. Come here. Let it go now. ...Atta girl.

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