Role Call
Original Airdate: November 3, 1986

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Mary Beth is distributing a takeaway food order to the other detectives from a large cardboard box)
ESPOSITO: (to Chris) I believe those are my potato fritters.
CHRISTINE: You didn't order potato fritters, Esposito.
ESPOSITO: They can put a man on the moon, but they can't get my lunch right. Who would put pastrami on white bread?
COLEMAN: (to Petrie and Isbecki) You two guys checked the morgue yet?
MARY BETH: Hey, we're trying to eat here.
ISBECKI: Hey, where's my coleslaw? Somebody took my coleslaw.
PETRIE: Have some of mine.
ISBECKI: You give me your coleslaw, but you won't let me in on your land deal.
PETRIE: I told you, Victor, it's open to black investors. Try and get in on something else.
COLEMAN: You're not the only one he discriminates against.
ESPOSITO: I have a difficult time with rejection, Marcus.
PETRIE: Gentlemen, it's not personal.
ISBECKI: Come on, Marcus, our money is just as green as black money.
PETRIE: Victor, take my coleslaw! Coleman! Pickle?
COLEMAN: Oh! No! You're talking to Jewish man!
(Esposito points to something Corassa is eating)
CORASSA: That's enough for me.
ESPOSITO: Hey, we're partners!
CORASSA: Hey, I'm hungry.
CHRISTINE: (when some sauce drips from the roll she is eating on to her sweater) I hate it when I do that.
(Mary Beth hands her a tissue)
DANIELS [OC]: Hey, clear the way guys. Clear the way, please. Thank you. Clear the way please
(a stunningly, tall blonde, completely dressed in white, is escorted in to whoops and whistles from the male detectives. She is accompanied by a posse of photographers who take many shots)
MARY BETH: That's Vicki er...
COLEMAN: Barrington.
PR MAN: (to the photographers) Right! OK! That's all for now. We'll be back out.
(he escorts her into Samuels' office)
ESPOSITO: Wow!! Look at that!
PETRIE: Who is she?
ISBECKI: I don't know what planet you live on, Marcus? She's Dee Dee Pearce in "N.Y.P.D.".
PETRIE: I don't watch TV!
COLEMAN: I can't believe you don't watch TV.
CHRISTINE: Coleman, tell me you don't watch that show?
CORASSA: And you don't, huh?!
CHRISTINE: I think it's stupid.
ISBECKI: Yeah? What's wrong with it?
CHRISTINE: For openers it's a giggle show.
ISBECKI: So you do watch it.
CHRISTINE: I've seen the promos.
MARY BETH: The first cop show I liked was "Gunsmoke".
CHRISTINE: I liked the guy that was undercover in "Hawkeye".
ISBECKI: Here she comes.
DANIELS: (coming out of the office with Samuels and Vicki Barrington) All, right, step back, please.
SAMUELS: One minute! Can I have your attention here, please?
MARY BETH: (aside to Chris) If you're standing next to her, no problem.
SAMUELS: Miss. Barrington is here doing some research for her TV show, and she'll be with us as a civilian observer until the end of this week.
(there is general raucous cheering and applause, including Mary Beth. Chris looks disgusted)
DANIELS: Let me remind all police persons present that the Mayor's Office expects full cooperation. This endeavour with representatives from the television community offers a unique opportunity to promote both the NYPD and the City of New York.
CHRISTINE: (aside to Mary Beth) Who is he kidding. They film it in LA!
SAMUELS: Daniels and I have discussed the matter and Miss. Barrington will be assigned to Detectives Petrie and Isbecki.
ISBECKI: (to himself) Oh, thank you God.
SAMUELS: (to Petrie and Isbecki) Gentlemen.
ISBECKI: (going up to Vicki Barrington) Isbecki's the name. Crime's the game. Did anybody ever tell you that your eyes twinkle like emeralds?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Yes.
ISBECKI: A nice guy?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Exactly.
PETRIE: (pushing Isbecki aside) How do you do. My name is Detective Marcus Petrie.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (shaking his hand) Hello. I'm Vicki. (glancing at Samuels) It must have been you the Lieutenant was telling me about. (to Samuels) Lieutenant Samuels?
SAMUELS: Yes.
VICKI BARRINGTON: I was hoping I might get something from one of your women detectives.
DANIELS: Well we just feel that an integrational team would look better in the media.
ESPOSITO: (pushing between Vicki Barrington and Daniels) We're an inter-racial team and my guy's smart.
SAMUELS: (to Esposito) Leave it!
PR MAN: You've gotta remember, she's the only woman in the precinct.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Let's get something straight right now. (to Samuels) I'm not doing this for the publicity. I'm here to learn what real policewomen go through. If I am not assigned to a policewoman, there's really no point in my doing this, is there?
SAMUELS: (nodding) Right. There's been a change in the Barrington assignment. Petrie and Isbecki are off. (Isbecki throws his head on Petrie's shoulder) And Cagney and Lacey ...are on.
(Mary Beth waves and Chris throws the tissue in the bin in disgust)

[Laceys' bedroom]

MARY BETH: (as she throws a dress from the wardrobe onto the bed where Harvey is reading) Nothing! I have nothing to wear. I should have gone to the cleaners, Harvey. We have to go to the cleaners tomorrow. Look at me. I'm a nervous wreck and she's not even in the room.
HARVEY: Main Street is dangerous enough out there without some Hollywood bimbo getting in the way.
MARY BETH: Oh, that's not fair, Harvey! She doesn't look like some bimbo to me.
HARVEY: You got that close?
MARY BETH: What do you mean, 'You got that close?'.
HARVEY: You think everything was real?
MARY BETH: I didn't ask!
HARVEY: (gesturing with his hand) Usually you can tell... Never mind. If you ask me the show is strictly for kids.
MARY BETH: You watch it. ...She said she had come to New York City to learn how to make her show better.
HARVEY: The only reason she is here is to get publicity to boost her ratings. The show is in trouble.
MARY BETH: Who told you that?
HARVEY: I read it in TV Times. I don't know what you're getting so nervous about. She's no better than anyone else. She is just an actress.
MARY BETH: You wouldn't say that about Noreen Dixon.
HARVEY: She was in the movies!
MARY BETH: Yes and er, Vicki...
HARVEY: ...Barrington.
MARY BETH: Barrington is on TV.
HARVEY: It's different, Mary Beth. These people, they come into your home every week. You get to know them better than your own neighbours.
MARY BETH: I don't know any of my neighbours, but I doubt that any one of them looks like her.
HARVEY: Hey, you scrape away the glitter and tinsel, and what have you got? ...Glitter and tinsel. (getting up off the bed and creeping towards Mary Beth who is at the wardrobe) Me, I like a real woman.
MARY BETH: What do you mean by that?
HARVEY: She's just a pretty face.
MARY BETH: (backing up) And real women are not pretty?
HARVEY: I didn't mean that.
MARY BETH: What did you mean?
HARVEY: Real women ...are beautiful ...just like you.
MARY BETH: You may say... (fade out)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(the duo arrives to a hubbub. Vicki, sitting on a desk, is surrounded by a crowd uniformed officers and detectives including Isbecki and Esposito. She is signing promotional photographs of herself. Petrie is on the phone. A phone goes beside where Chris is standing. She picks it up. Petrie rings off)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Cagney, Fourteenth. ...(patronisingly) Isbecki! ...(shouting at the top of her voice) Isbecki!!!
(the hubbub subsides)
MARY BETH: (to Petrie) Good morning.
PETRIE: Morning.
CHRISTINE: (to Petrie) Morning.
(Isbecki tears himself away. The hubbub resumes)
CHRISTINE: (again patronisingly as she gives him the phone) For you.
MARY BETH: What is that smell?
PETRIE: His new cologne.
MARY BETH: What? Did he gargle with it?
ISBECKI: (as Chris moves away) What? are you jealous, Cagney?
CHRISTINE: I'm just grateful for anyone who keeps you away from me.
SAMUELS: (coming in) Cagney, what's going on here?
CHRISTINE: (pointing to the crowd surrounding Vicki) Lieutenant!
SAMUELS: (shouting) All right, people, break it up!!! (moving into the crowd) I said to break it up!! (the crowd disperses. To Vicki Barrington) With hair like that, I didn't know you'd be here so bright and early in the morning.
ESPOSITO: (still there with a photograph and pen) Just one more. I want you to write to my friend, Rocco. 'We'll always have Brooklyn. Love and kisses'.
SAMUELS: Esposito, I said to get back to work. (Esposito gets his photograph and goes) All right, everybody, carry on. Carry on!
VICKI BARRINGTON: (brightly to Chris) Good morning!
CHRISTINE: (following Samuels) I'll have to get back to you on that.
(Mary Beth stands awkwardly looking at Vicki, who smiles at her. Eventually Mary Beth goes across)
MARY BETH: Can I get you something? Do you wanna coffee?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Oh, no. No thanks.
MARY BETH: Tea?
VICKI BARRINGTON: No thank you.
MARY BETH: Water?
VICKI BARRINGTON: No thanks. I'm fine. ...Really.
MARY BETH: How about a cola?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Nope.
MARY BETH: If you're needing the Ladies room, it's over that way.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Oh.
MARY BETH: It's not in the best of condition. We've been meaning to paint it.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Well, as long as the plumbing works.
MARY BETH: It always does. ...Most of the time. ...Do you wanna sit over at my desk?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Sure. ...OK. ...I'd like that! Ha!
MARY BETH: Oh. (pointing to her own chair while sitting down on the visitor's chair) Sit down. (Vicki is unable to get her long legs and high heels under the desk) Comfortable?
(Mary Beth drinks her coffee)

[Samuels' office]

CHRISTINE: You saw what happened out there?
SAMUELS: I don't like it anymore than you do, but I have but I've got my orders from downtown.
CHRISTINE: It's demeaning! Have you ever seen her TV show? She makes a joke out of what we do!
SAMUELS: Come on, Cagney, it's just a TV show.
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant. (looking out at Vicki) Detective Dee Dee nails her perps by yelling (she makes a two-handed gun posture) 'Hold it, big boy'.
(Chris giggles)
SAMUELS: Ha, ha, ha. You're kidding?
CHRISTINE: No kidding.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Mary Beth is still sitting there awkwardly. Eventually she takes off her plain cardigan and shows a pretty blouse)
MARY BETH: You know, I was in Hollywood ...in May.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Really? Vacation?
MARY BETH: No. Business. It was so interesting. But I missed my family.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Oh yes, I know. It's not easy doing twelve hours a day.
MARY BETH: Twelve hours?!
VICKI BARRINGTON: Sometimes fourteen. (Mary Beth whistles) And then go home to see the kids.
MARY BETH: Some days it's hard.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Some days I'd say 'impossible'. (they both laugh) Got any kids?
MARY BETH: (going into her handbag) Yeah. Plenty. (they laugh again. She shows some photographs) This is ...my husband. (Vicki whistles) And this is Harvey Jr. He's named after his father. Of course, that what 'Junior' usually means, doesn't it? (Mary Beth laughs) And that's Michael. And this is my new one. That's little baby, Alice.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (taking the photograph) Oh. Little baby Alice.
MARY BETH: She's a sweetie, huh?
VICKI BARRINGTON: She's a lovely girl.
MARY BETH: You bet your life.

[Samuels' office]

CHRISTINE: I'm the second whip here. I've got better things to do.
SAMUELS: You got some big case going?
CHRISTINE: Well, you know as well as I do, it can change (snapping her fingers) just like that.
SAMUELS: Nice try, Cagney.
CHRISTINE: You know she'd rather go back to Petrie and Isbecki.
SAMUELS: She'd rather not.
CHRISTINE: Look what she's wearing?
SAMUELS: (getting annoyed) So, clue her in! Show her what the well-dressed cop is wearing.
CHRISTINE: Fine, Lieutenant, I'll baby-sit her. All right?! And the crime rate is gonna skyrocket.
SAMUELS: And I'll explain it to the Mayor.

[Detectives' Squad room]

ISBECKI: Do you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, I can't get in on your deal because I'm not black. (pointing to Vicki) I can't go running around with TV Jane because I'm not a woman. I remember when being a white man used to mean something.
PETRIE: You know, she really does have a wonderful smile.
MARY BETH: (taking photographs from Vicki) Oh! Oh! She looks like you. The same dimples. (Chris comes from the office and sees what's going on and stops dead) She's a scream!
(Chris looks on, nodding her head from side to side as they small-talk)
VICKI BARRINGTON: I meant to compliment you on your top.
MARY BETH: (adjusting the blouse) Oh, you like it? I picked it up on Rodeo Drive. I mean Rod ...e ...o.
(they laugh again)
CHRISTINE: Ladies! Time to hit what we like to call 'The streets'!

[Squad car]

CHRISTINE: In case I forgot to tell you, this is New York City. It's not Hollywood out there.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (holding a notebook) That's why I'm here. To get down and dirty. I wanna see everything.
MARY BETH: Sergeant Cagney, I'm sure there are plenty of other places...
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, she wants to see what real detectives go through. (looking in the mirror) We've got trouble. That van's been following us for the last four turns.
MARY BETH: (into radio) This is detective car twenty-one...
VICKI BARRINGTON: Oh, wait a minute. That's my PR van.
CHRISTINE: What the hell is it doing following us?
MARY BETH: (into radio) This is car twenty-one. Disregard the last transmission.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Oh, they probably wanted pictures of my first day.
CHRISTINE: (as lights go from yellow to red) Hold on!!! ...Oh, gee, we lost them! What a shame.
MARY BETH: Do you want that we should pullover and wait for them?
CHRISTINE: We're detectives. Let's go!

[File storeroom]

CHRISTINE: OK. We start by pulling all the files marked 'May 1973'.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (handing an autograph book back to a uniformed officer) There you are.
UNIFORMED OFFICER: Thanks a lot, then.
CHRISTINE: (coming up with a box of files) Are you ready to get down and dirty, Miss. Barrington? (she throws the box on to a table and dust flies up onto Vicki's white suit) Oh, sorry.

[Bowery tenement]

(there is one wino leaning against the wall and another one laying on the floor as they come in)
VICKI BARRINGTON: Do you mean we have to come all the way down to Skid Row?
CHRISTINE: We have to deliver the deceased's personal effects.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (looking at the scene) To the relatives of the deceased?
MARY BETH: (to Vicki, pointing to the wino on the floor) Watch it here. Be careful.
(as Vicki steps over the wino, he grabs her ankle. She screams)
WINO: Hey!! You really have got lovely knees.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) Now she knows why we do the job.

[Morgue]

CHRISTINE: (as she pulls a covered body out on the sliding shelf) Here we go. (handing the report to Vicki) Multiple gunshot wounds. (lifting the cover) Entry through the right and left chest cavity. Major exit below the lung.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (looking disturbed) Tell you anything?
CHRISTINE: Are you kidding?! You can put your fist through that hole. That's the effect you get with a Magnum.
MARY BETH: (coming in) The ME says he'll need a forensic autopsy. Poor old man was dead for nine days before anybody found him.
VICKI BARRINGTON: If you don't mind I think I'm gonna go out front and get some fresh air. I'm gonna puke!
(she throws Mary Beth the report and flees. Chris smiles)
CHRISTINE: I don't think Detective Dee Dee can take it.
MARY BETH: I couldn't either my first time. Could you?
(Mary Beth looks at Chris. Chris looks at Mary Beth)
CHRISTINE: What?!

[Pavement outside the morgue]

(a makeup man is attending to Vicki)
PR MAN: (to the makeup man) Right. OK. (to Vicki) Hold up the gun. Hold up the gun.
VICKI BARRINGTON: OK.
PR MAN: No problem. Look here. Just use it any way you feel.
PHOTOGRAPHER: OK?
PR MAN: (to the photographer) Wait, wait, wait, wait. Vicki, stick your chin out.
CHRISTINE: (as the duo comes out) I think she's felling better.
PR MAN: That's it. Good, good, good. Fine. (the photographer takes one) Now, provocative. Give me a provocative one. Ha, ha, ha. That's it. You got it! (the photographer takes another one) Good, good, good.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (as Chris comes up she puts the 'gun' inside her jacket) We'd better stop now, Mark.
CHRISTINE: (to Vicki) No, no, no. If you've got better things to do, we'll finish without you.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (calling after Chris) I can handle anything you can.
MARY BETH: Her feet must be killing her.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (to the PR man) I'll call you at the hotel later. OK?
PR MAN: (handing her it) Purse.
(a passing perp grabs the purse)
VICKI BARRINGTON: (drawing the 'gun' she gives chase) Hey! (as the perp runs into an underpass) Hold it, big boy!
(the perp freezes with his hands up. Chris joins her, gun drawn. Mary Beth goes to secure the perp)
MARY BETH: (to the perp about he purse) Hey! Put that down!
CHRISTINE: What the hell do you think you were doing?!
VICKI BARRINGTON: It's a prop!
PERP: (hands against the wall) You're kidding!
CHRISTINE: He didn't know that!
PERP: I sure as hell didn't.
MARY BETH: (throwing Chris the purse) Calm down, Christine.
CHRISTINE: If you had any sense at all... You could have got yourself killed.
PERP: Oh, forget that, lady. I'm no killer. I'm just a little down on my luck.
CHRISTINE: (to the perp) You keep your mouth shut! (to Vicki) You! Get back in the car.
PR MAN: (rushing up) Vicki, Vicki, Vicki. Are you alright? (to a cameraman, pointing to the perp) Get a shot!
PERP: (as the duo bundles the perp into the Squad car with the cameraman still filming) Am I on TV?

[Locker room]

(Chris is doing her hair with a radial hairbrush)
CHRISTINE: Everywhere she goes, the Press idiots follow us anyway.
MARY BETH: Oh, Vicki, doesn't do that. The studio does that, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Vicki?!
MARY BETH: She asked me to call her that. (Chris is not impressed) She's not so bad. How do you like the way she stopped that poor slob.
CHRISTINE: Huh. That's the way she does it on TV.
MARY BETH: You should have seen the look on your face. (Chris has put the radial hairbrush inside her top) Ha, ha, ha, ha.
CHRISTINE: (whipping out the hairbrush) Hold it, big boy!
(Mary Beth continues to laugh)
CHRISTINE: (having scratched herself with the hairbrush) Ow!
(Chris joins Mary Beth in the laughter)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Petrie is signing out)
ISBECKI: (fingering Petrie's tie) Silk, huh?
PETRIE: What do you think? I could really get into this.
ISBECKI: That's not my style, but I bet it set you back a few bucks.
PETRIE: (putting on a smart blazer) Victor, you have to dress for success.
ISBECKI: So what you gonna do when you make your killing? Are you gonna quit the Force.
PETRIE: I don't think so. That's a little premature.
ISBECKI: It can't be too far off if you're talking of travelling to Martinique. I've always wanted to go there.
PETRIE: Yes, me too, Victor. Au revoir.
ISBECKI: (to himself after Petrie has left) I wonder what he meant by that.

[Chris's loft]

CHRISTINE: (pouring a beer for David) So she bounces around in a silk suit and high heels.
DAVID KEELER: Gloria Swanson wears high heels.
CHRISTINE: And her hair, David, it's had so much bleach on, I bet her brain's gone soft.
DAVID KEELER: What did you say, Blondie?!
CHRISTINE: This happens to be my natural colour. ...With a few highlights here and there.
DAVID KEELER: Wait a minute! Are you saying that a woman can't be intelligent and beautiful. ...Besides you of course.?
CHRISTINE: I am saying that Detective Dee Dee, "N.Y.P.D.", has bubble gum for the brain.
DAVID KEELER: Well, entertainment is food for the soul.
CHRISTINE: And a stitch in time saves nine! Damn it, David, she's exploited. And ...she does it off-screen too. She goes wriggling around waxing her eyelashes, reeking of perfume, and the males, they drop dead, right there, like idiots.
DAVID KEELER: That's pretty sexist, you know. Are you saying that's all we care about?
CHRISTINE: (taking David's hands) Are you saying you're only interested in my mind?
DAVID KEELER: Absolutely. ...And the way you smell.

[Manhattan street]

(in the late evening a bell boy opens a sedan door for Connelly)
PETRIE [OC]: Lovely evening.
CONNELLY: I'll call you tomorrow.
PETRIE [OC]: Good night!
CONNELLY: (getting in the sedan) Good night, now.
(the sedan drives off. Petrie is standing there with Claudia. They walk off)
PETRIE: This is our year, Claudia. I can feel it. Like Connelly says, we make a few thousand on the Rec Centre site, leverage it, move on to the next site.
CLAUDIA: Leverage it, Marcus?
PETRIE: It's a great deal. Connelly has got his associates down in City Hall. He knows what he is talking about.
CLAUDIA: Seems like it anyway.
PETRIE: Randall Connelly is an accredited MBA. We couldn't have a better partner. I've read articles about this man. He has a very impressive track record. And his heart's in the right place. He's doing something for the community.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(the PR man and several photographers are looking out through the entrance door windows. Chris comes in and pushes through them. They take photographs of her. She looks startled. She notices the duo's desks are covered with flowers)
CHRISTINE: Morning.
MARY BETH: (holding more flowers) Good morning, Chris. Could you believe all these flowers?
CHRISTINE: Has she died?
VICKI BARRINGTON: (coming in, dressed practically, her hair tied up) Good morning.
ALL THE MEN: Good morning, Vicki!
VICKI BARRINGTON: I'm sorry about all the photographers and stuff outside. (handing Mary Beth a bag) I've brought you some breakfast.
MARY BETH: Oh, gee, thanks. Look, Christine, croissants.
CHRISTINE: Oh, no thanks, I'll pass. I prefer...
VICKI BARRINGTON: Why don't you go on a diet, like me?
MARY BETH: Say 'Thank you', Christine.
CHRISTINE: Let me know your sources.
COLEMAN: (coming up, to Vicki) Good morning, beautiful.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Hi, Ronald.
CHRISTINE: (the smile going off her face) Something on your mind, Coleman? Or is that a contradiction in terms?
(she flashes her hand up and down in front of he his eyes. He hands her a form with out blinking or moving his gaze)
COLEMAN: Cat burglary, Lower East Side.
CHRISTINE: Oh, good. Real police work. Which hopefully we might get to today. If we ever get past your media mob!
VICKI BARRINGTON: No problem. Follow me. I know all the moves.
MARY BETH: (following Vicki) Christine. Let's go.
ALL THE MEN: Good-bye, Vicki!

[Squad car]

VICKI BARRINGTON: So there isn't a surveillance section. A stake out is just a stake out.
CHRISTINE: Not if you've ever been on one.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Do you ever carry more than one weapon at a time?
MARY BETH: Oh, some do. But I don't know anybody that carries a gun in her brassiere like Detective Dee Dee.
VICKI BARRINGTON: I fight the producers on that every season. It's so silly.
CHRISTINE: Dangerous too. You could shoot off a big part of your career that way.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Huh! How often do you call in a SWAT team?
CHRISTINE: Oh, whenever Bugsy Malone lets us down.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Well, next time I see him, I tell him you said that. Detective Lacey, do you have an answer that isn't quite as snide?
MARY BETH: Er, in theory in New York, they're known as Special Services. We usually call them in whenever it's necessary.
(they've got stuck in a traffic jam. Mary Beth blows the horn)

[Andrews' apartment near the Manhattan Bridge]

ANDREWS: It would have been perfect. Candlelight, flowers, soft music. ...And Veronica! (picking up a photograph and taking it to Vicki) Isn't she beautiful? (going over to the duo) I cut this out of the company paper.
CHRISTINE: Very nice.
MARY BETH: About the theft, sir.
ANDREWS: It took me over a year to ask her out. And he had to spoil it!
MARY BETH: Mr. Andrews, why do you think your neighbour stole your stereo?
ANDREWS: Because last night he pounded on the wall and hollered. Today it's gone.
CHRISTINE: What? We need a little more than that to go on.
ANDREWS: He's just tight. Law and order mean nothing to him.
CHRISTINE: Fine. We'll talk with Mr. ...
VICKI BARRINGTON: Leavitt. Right?
ANDREWS: Yes, yes, yes, yes. Rowan Leavitt. Apartment three C. Miss. Barrington, may I say how much I enjoy the show?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Er, thank you.
ANDREWS: It's nice to see the good guys win.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Er, yes.
CHRISTINE: (aside to Mary Beth) Too bad we don't have the writers.

[Leavitt's apartment]

(there are beer advertisements on the wall and a six-foot high pyramid of beer cans against it)
MARY BETH: Mr. Leavitt, why do you think it is your neighbour has it in for you?
LEAVITT: Difference of lifestyle. I'm a nice guy, he's a fascist. (to Vicki) Wanna a beer?
VICKI BARRINGTON: No. Thanks. Sweet of you to offer.
LEAVITT: Oh, if real cops looked like you, I'd clean up my act and join the Force.
CHRISTINE: Speaking as one of those plain, old, real cops, I wonder if you'd mind answering a few more questions? What do you mean 'fascist'?
LEAVITT: He's a survivalist. Goes out at the weekend and shoots paint pellets at his friends.
MARY BETH: Mr. Andrews? That short, little man.
LEAVITT: Yeah, Hitler-size. (to Vicki) Er, listen, do you wanna search me or anything?
(Vicki holds her hand up to decline)
CHRISTINE: Unless you have anything other information for us, Mr. Leavitt, I think we'll be moving along.
LEAVITT: Wait. There is one more thing. (he throws Chris a camera and indicates Vicki and himself) Will you take our picture?
CHRISTINE: (reluctantly) Sure.

[Detectives' Squad room]

VICKI BARRINGTON: Do you think Leavitt's a possibility?
MARY BETH: Hard to tell.
CHRISTINE: That's what keeps us on our toes. You can't flip to the end of the script to see who really did it.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Well, maybe Andrews had some sort of personal vendetta.
MARY BETH: Could be.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Leavitt's big and beefy.
MARY BETH: (pointing to Mary Beth) I never noticed that!
(Chris goes to her notebook)
VICKI BARRINGTON: You know, I had a short director once. Very belligerent. I always feared he had a complex about being a short man in a tall world.
MARY BETH: It's a possibility!
VICKI BARRINGTON: I know motivation is important.
CHRISTINE: Motive.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (getting frustrated with Chris) Right. That's what I meant. So are we gonna take Leavitt's word for it or are we gonna talk to some character witnesses?
CHRISTINE: We?!! Oh, (indicating Mary Beth and herself) We have work to do.
VICKI BARRINGTON: And I'm disturbing you?
CHRISTINE: Well!!!...
MARY BETH: Each case is different. (handing Vicki a file) A very interesting 'different'.
(Vicki sits down in Chris's visitor chair and opens the file)
CHRISTINE: Look, why don't you just call it a day?
VICKI BARRINGTON: You've made it a very special day, Sergeant. I won't leave until you do.
(Mary Beth pops some aspirin)
CHRISTINE: (grabbing a file from under Vicki's elbow) Excuse me!
VICKI BARRINGTON: Am I in the way?
CHRISTINE: Frankly, yes.
ALL THE MEN: (they have been listening. They leap up and point to Samuels' office) Right there. Over here.
(the next day)
ISBECKI: (in the phone) Isbecki, Fourteenth. ...Yeah, he's here. (to Petrie) Sergeant Watkins from the black community for you.
PETRIE: (into phone) Hey, how ya doing? ...So it's decided? ...Yeah, I know it's a lot of money. Like I told you before, Connelly's very well connected. ...His track record? ...it's the best.
ISBECKI: (yelling to Petrie) Excuse me, Daddy Warbucks, we do have a case to get to.
PETRIE: (into phone) Great! You won't be sorry.
ISBECKI: (coming over to Vicki) Hey, Vicki! How about something to pick up your day, huh? Come on with Petrie and me. We're on the Donatelli case.
VICKI BARRINGTON: That's very tempting, Victor, but I think I'll stick with the girls.
ISBECKI: By tomorrow we'll be getting very close. Wouldn't you love to be there when we nail 'em?
CHRISTINE: You can't do that, Victor. Too dangerous.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Oh, why I didn't know you cared, Sergeant Cagney.
CHRISTINE: It's just Departmental rules, that's all.
(Vicki shrugs and moves away from Isbecki. Chris's phone goes)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Sergeant Cagney, Fourteenth.
PETRIE: (coming up to Isbecki) The day is ready to roll, Victor. Are you ready to chase Donatelli's butt.
ISBECKI: Just remember, Marcus, money corrupts.
PETRIE: So does politics.
MARY BETH: (to Vicki) You know, I've been meaning to ask you all week. Did you ever meet Noreen Dixon?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Yes. Once, in MGM.
MARY BETH: MGM!! Oh!!! She was my favourite. ..Except for you, I mean.
VICKI BARRINGTON: She was my favourite too. Believe me.
MARY BETH: No kidding!!!
VICKI BARRINGTON: Mm hm.
MARY BETH: Small world, huh?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Mm hm.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) No, no. Do not touch anything, Mr. Andrews. No, no. ...We'll be right there.

[Corridor outside Andrews apartment]

('FACIST PIG' is scrawled on the wall with an arrow pointing to the apartment door)
CHRISTINE: What makes you think that it's Mr. Leavitt?
ANDREWS: Who else could it be?
MARY BETH: Mr. Andrews, we'll need something else more to go on than that, sir.
VICKI BARRINGTON: You know, a witness or some physical evidence.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, Detective Dee Dee. In the meantime, Mr. Andrews, we will talk with Mr. Leavitt.
VICKI BARRINGTON: It must be frustrating. Twenty-five years' experience between the two of you and you're still investigating graffiti. Why aren't you working in Homicide or breaking up drug rings? Like the stuff I do On TV.

[Squad car]

CHRISTINE: OK. Where does Leavitt work?
MARY BETH: Brooklyn, at a brewery.
VICKI BARRINGTON: I guess we could have figured that out. Typecast.
POLICE RADIO: Car eighteen at First and Third. Request silent response.
MARY BETH: (to Vicki) That's a call for assistance. No siren. (into radio) This is detective car twenty-one. We are in the vicinity and we will respond forthwith.
CHRISTINE: (to Vicki) And this ...is where ...you get out! You've gotta find your own way back to the Squad room.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Oh, no! You can't dump me here. This is just he kind of thing I need to see.
CHRISTINE: Too bad. There may be trouble.
VICKI BARRINGTON: I can handle...
CHRISTINE: (shouting) Out of the car, lady!!!
MARY BETH: (as Vicki gets out and slams the car door) That's Petrie and Isbecki's car, Christine.

[Manhattan street]

(the duo comes up to Petrie and Isbecki who are leaning on a car looking across the street at a theatre)
MARY BETH: What have we got?
PETRIE: They just came down. Donatelli is making a deal. Five minutes ago he bought a ticket and strolled right in the front door.
CHRISTINE: We're finally gonna get this slime.
ISBECKI: Cut this 'we' Cagney. This is our collar.
PETRIE: Uniforms have got the back sealed off. You'll cover the front. We'll go in and flush him out.
CHRISTINE: Let's do it.
PETRIE: (as they all check their guns) Remember to act swiftly.
CHRISTINE: Hold it! What's going on?!
(a crowd of USAF personnel have come up to a couple of USN personnel with girls and are causing a disturbance. In the middle of the crowd is Vicki. They are being filmed)
CHRISTINE: Oh, I don't believe this. (the detectives run across the street) You wanna get these people out of here!
(Mary Beth shepherds Vicki away. Petrie and Isbecki go in)

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: Not only did you lose the collar but you lost them on TV!
PETRIE: We couldn't help it, Lieutenant. He blended right into the crowd.
CHRISTINE: Barrington got in the way.
SAMUELS: Well, you should have dropped her as soon as you got the call!!
CHRISTINE: I practically threw her out of the car!!!
MARY BETH: Sir, she hitched a ride with a TV news van.
CHRISTINE: Yeah! Her limo must have been busy.
MARY BETH: And then when they got the call to cover the incident, she wound up in the middle of everything.
PETRIE: Three months down the drain.
CHRISTINE: We looked like the Keystone Cops, Lieutenant. I say we dump Dee Dee.
ISBECKI: Hey, these things happen.
CHRISTINE: She blew your collar!! How can you stand there like it was nothing.
ISBECKI: Hey, I can get over it! Maybe Dee Dee is assigned to us, sir.
SAMUELS: This is not a dating bureau!
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant, I want it on record that Vicki Barrington is personally responsible for our having lost this collar.
MARY BETH: Sergeant, we all agreed it's has been a very disappointing afternoon here, but you can't say Miss. Barrington caused it.
CHRISTINE: Well, I don't think the crowds were going crazy to get Isbecki's autograph. We can't even eat a tuna fish sandwich without people gawking, Lieutenant. She doesn't belong here!
SAMUELS: All right, Sergeant Cagney, send her in.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, Lieutenant.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: The Lieutenant wants to see you.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Did you put a good word for me?
(Chris ignores her. Samuels ushers Vicki into his office. The duo goes to the coffee table)
MARY BETH: It was not entirely her fault.
CHRISTINE: She asked for this, big-time.
CHRISTINE: (as she sees Vicki sit down in the office) I wouldn't wanna be the Lieutenant right now.
MARY BETH: Then again I wouldn't wanna be Vicki either.
CHRISTINE: (looking across at the office) Would you mind telling me why she's smiling? ...Why's he smiling?!
MARY BETH: I don't read lips.
(Vicki comes out of the office. The duo looks away and pretends to be drinking coffee. Vicki gets her coat)
VICKI BARRINGTON: (to the duo) See you in the morning.
MARY BETH: Take it easy, (Chris turns) Chris... (and heads for the office) ...tine.
MARY BETH: (to Vicki) Night.
(Mary Beth joins Chris in the office)

[Ladies room]

(Chris is doing her eyes)
CHRISTINE: The nit-witted, low-down, slimy...
MARY BETH: You've gone a little heavy on the left there.
CHRISTINE: Here? ...Well, I work hard fighting for my position, I'll tell ya. (waggling her hips and chest) She bombs in, shakes her maracas and everybody turns upside down!!!
MARY BETH: I didn't see any maracas...
CHRISTINE: I'm telling you, Mary Beth, you can't trust a woman like her.
CHRISTINE: Exactly what kind of a woman is that, Christine?
CHRISTINE: The kind of a woman who will use whatever it takes to get whatever she wants. (Mary Beth looks at Chris with a smile growing on her face) Mary Beth, when I use a little charm, I do it for a good cause.
MARY BETH: I didn't say a word.
CHRISTINE: I protect people from crime.
MARY BETH: Ah ha. So it's OK to use a little charm in your job, but it's not OK in hers.
CHRISTINE: Just tell me you almost like her.
MARY BETH: Well, it can't be easy, Christine. She's trying to raise a child by herself. She's working hard at that job where people are fussing all over ya every minute of the day.
CHRISTINE: I'm telling you she's as stony as that beach in Maryland.
MARY BETH: No how do you know?!! Did you ever bother to get to know her?
CHRISTINE: OK!! You think she's terrific. I think she's a bimbo. So what are you gonna do? Invite the bimbo home for dinner!
MARY BETH: I might. If I had a dining room set.
(a WC flushes. Vicki comes out)
CHRISTINE: I thought you people didn't use those things.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Surprise! Kind of embarrassing, isn't it?
MARY BETH: Vicki, I am so sorry.
CHRISTINE: Well, I'm not.
VICKI BARRINGTON: And particularly embarrassing to you too, Sergeant!
CHRISTINE: You asked for it.
VICKI BARRINGTON: I didn't know the publicity would get out of hand.
(Mary Beth stands back)
CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, you thrive on it.
VICKI BARRINGTON: I had to leave my kid to come here for a publicity stunt! I came here to make Dee Dee a better cop.
CHRISTINE: Why?! So that your advertisers could sell more toilet paper?!
VICKI BARRINGTON: No. So I could feel good about what I do for a living.
CHRISTINE: By making a joke out of what I do. (Mary Beth thinks of intervening) We put our tails out on the line every single day. You don't even have a clue as to what we're up against!
VICKI BARRINGTON: And I'm never going to if you keeping acting like an adolescent!
(Mary Beth looks surprised. Chris looks disgusted)
CHRISTINE: What?
VICKI BARRINGTON: (as Chris walks out to a roll of drums) If you don't want Dee Dee to be a bimbo, why don't you help me change her?
MARY BETH: (to Vicki) She hates it when we lose a collar. Tomorrow it'll be like nothing happened. (turning as she is going out the door) Are you OK?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Yeah, I... I'm fine. I'm just gonna go back to my hotel and ...eat dinner. Read through some scripts. Fall asleep. ...Unless you meant what you said.
MARY BETH: What I said about what?
VICKI BARRINGTON: My having dinner at your place.
MARY BETH: Oh, you wouldn't really wanna do that.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Mary Beth, I'd love to. I'd even bring the wine.
MARY BETH: Gee! Sure.

[Laceys' bathroom/bedroom]

(Mary Beth is in the bathroom doing her face. Harvey is sitting on the bed in his pyjamas)
HARVEY: She certainly has a healthy appetite.
MARY BETH: She loved your spaghetti sauce.
HARVEY: She cleaned that plate twice. You know, she even finished my ice cream.
MARY BETH: Did you see her boots? Ostrich. For a tall woman, she sure can handle heels. It's poise.
HARVEY: Sexy too.
MARY BETH: And smart. I mean, who would have thought that she would know about the side you don't like in Nicaragua?
HARVEY: Not to mention El Salvador.
MARY BETH: You know, a glamorous woman like that. People seem to treat her like she' some sort of dim dumb ...or a queen. It's not fair really.
HARVEY: You're so beautiful, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Huh?
HARVEY: (getting up and going to her in the bathroom) The first time I saw ya, I knew you were the most gorgeous woman alive.
MARY BETH: Oh, Harvey, cut it out.
HARVEY: Look at me a second, I'm not kidding. Sometimes I see and it almost hurts. ...Your eyes. ...And these perfect cheekbones.
MARY BETH: Harve.
HARVEY: And your smile. It just puts me away!
MARY BETH: Thank you, Harvey. (she gives him a peck) My smile and what else?
(he closes the door into the bedroom)

[Chris's loft]

(Chris and David are sitting in bed together. Chris is cuddling a cushion. David has a glass of wine)
CHRISTINE: Do you think I'm judgemental?
DAVID KEELER: I think you have very strong opinions.
CHRISTINE: Stop pussyfooting around.
DAVID KEELER: OK, sometimes you're judgemental.
CHRISTINE: I am not!!! ...I just can't stand her.
DAVID KEELER: Oh, that's funny, because you're a lot alike.
CHRISTINE: Would you like to get kicked out of bed?
DAVID KEELER: When you're beautiful and smart and ambitious and hard working, Chris, people can find that intimidating.
CHRISTINE: I am not intimidated by Vicki Barrington!
DAVID KEELER: That was supposed to be a compliment. Do you know she's the only thing that you've wanted to talk about since she showed up at the Fourteenth.
CHRISTINE: She's not!
DAVID KEELER: Are you sure. Chris, I don't care what the competition is, at any level, man or woman, you can handle it.
CHRISTINE: Man or woman?
DAVID KEELER: It's only an extremely secure man could admit that.
CHRISTINE: I guess that you're not included in that, by the way.
DAVID KEELER: Me? ...Oh, I love a pushy broad.
(Chris thumps him with the cushion)

[Detective's Squad room]

ISBECKI: Well, if I had a land deal in Warsaw, I'd let you in.
PETRIE: You've said that before, Victor.
ISBECKI: You always think I'm stupid. That's it, isn't it? You don't think I'm good enough because I can't order food in French. Well, this happens to be the United States of America.
PETRIE: (going up the stairs) No, Victor, that's not it.
ISBECKI: (stopping him) Then it is the racial thing.
PETRIE: Victor, listen! The fact is, the land deal is not in Warsaw. It's in Harlem. And it's time for those of us who have been fortunate to give something back to the black community. Victor, this is about a black dream. A chance for black professionals to build something there that could help make a difference. Do you understand what I'm talking about?
ISBECKI: Sure. Discrimination.
(Isbecki walks away. Mary Beth and Vicki come in. Vicki is eating)
ALL THE MEN: Good morning, Vicki!.
MARY BETH: You don't know anything about calories, do ya?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Sure I do. If I don't eat like a pig, I'll blow away.
CHRISTINE: Gee, and I thought I had problems.
COLEMAN: (coming up) Harve just called. He's still at home.
MARY BETH: Thank you, Sergeant.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Good morning, Ronald.
COLEMAN: (taking his glasses off) Good morning, Vicki.
(there is a crash as Coleman turns away. He has knocked over a trash bin. Chris looks disgusted)
MARY BETH: (into phone) Yes, Harvey. ...Yes, honey. ..OK. I will.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Tell him 'Thank a lot for last night' and 'The spaghetti was...' (smacking her lips) '...wow!
MARY BETH: (into phone) Vicki says 'Hi!' ...She loved your sauce. ...Yes. Yes, I will. ...I'll tell her. ...All right, sweetheart. ...Bye, honey.
(Chris has been looking less than impressed. Her phone goes)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Sergeant Cagney. Fourteenth.
MARY BETH: (to Vicki) Harvey, says that the boys are still reeling.
VICKI BARRINGTON: You're so lucky to have boys too. And they're so sweet. Especially that teenager.
MARY BETH: You should see him when you're not around.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Ha. ... Well, we're on our way. (she rings off and stands up) That is if you ladies have time.

[Squad car]

(Chris is backing up)
MARY BETH: How about that scene when they're in the gondola, and he takes Miss. Dixon into his arms.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Oh, and didn't that tug at your heartstrings?
CHRISTINE: I'm sorry if I'm going to end your trip down Memory Lane here and get back to some police work. (to Vicki) Only this time you stay in the car.
MARY BETH: We won't be long. Why don't you listen to the radio calls.
VICKI BARRINGTON: What ever you say.
MARY BETH: (giving her a list) This will tell you what all the numbers mean and you'll know what they're talking about.

[Manhattan street near Leavitt's and Andrews apartment block]

MARY BETH: Why don't you give her a break?
CHRISTINE: Why should I? She makes a million dollars a year doing her job. Let her put up with it.
MARY BETH: Oh, come on, Christine! It's not a million dollars.
CHRISTINE: You're right. With reruns, it's more!
MARY BETH: She has a chemical thing which does something to men. In eighteen years of marriage I never saw Harvey so... Well, I don't know even what it was. But they all had it, even the boys. Even Michael. It kind of reminded me of when they first met you.

[Foyer of apartment block]

MARY BETH: You know, she can't help being who she is, Christine. I know exactly how you feel. The same way that I do every time we go and check evidence with Martinez.
CHRISTINE: What does Martinez have to do with anything?
MARY BETH: (calling the lift) We go in together. And it's 'Hello, Sergeant Cagney! How ya doing, Sergeant Cagney'. I may as well have stayed in the car.
CHRISTINE: Oh, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: And when we go to the Labs, Solomon offers you sushi. Me, I get fibre samples. Don't tell me you never noticed.
CHRISTINE: Well, maybe one or two times. You know how men are. How do you think I feel having to trade dates with Brudinski for a couple of lousy parking tickets?
MARY BETH: Oh, you've never kept a date with him yet.
CHRISTINE: See what I mean? (apologetically) Look, if it's bothered you so much, why didn't you say so?
MARY BETH: Well, what are you supposed to do? Stop wearing smart clothes and ...start retaining water? That's the way it is. That's all. It's the same thing with Vicki Barrington. (the lift arrives. Mary Beth steps in) It doesn't mean she isn't a nice person.

[Detectives' Squad room]

PETRIE: (into phone) I thought this was a sure thing. ...Well, I know that, but... ...Yeah. ...Yeah, yeah. Right.
(Petrie slams the phone down)
ISBECKI: (coming up) What happened?
PETRIE: The City of New York chose another site for the Rec Centre. Three blocks away.
ISBECKI: You lost all your money?
PETRIE: Well, according to the man with all the answers, it's just tied up. ...Indefinitely. ...It's not just me. I got Watkins and Thomas into this thing too.
ISBECKI: Hey, you didn't do it for you. I can vouch for that.
PETRIE: He looked so ...up. And so did the dealer. I just saw what I wanted to see. ...Maybe what I wanted to be. ...This was the chance to show off to Claudia.
ISBECKI: Hey, Marcus, look at it this way. Whatever Claudia married you for, it sure wasn't money, right?
PETRIE: You can't argue with that.

[Locker room]

MARY BETH: Would you believe that Andrews? Hitting his head himself and trying to frame Mr. Leavitt on an assault charge. The little runt.
CHRISTINE: Well, Mary Beth, we had it the best of authority that short men are very dangerous.
VICKI BARRINGTON: (coming in) My PR man's outside. He'd like to get some pictures of the three of us.
MARY BETH: Oh, that'll be nice. Won't that be nice, Christine?
CHRISTINE: Uh?
MARY BETH: I'd like to get some copies for the kids.
VICKI BARRINGTON: What ever you like, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Oh, that'll be swell.
VICKI BARRINGTON: How about you, Sergeant? Spare five minutes with the enemy?
MARY BETH: I'm gonna fix my face. I'll meet you in a couple of minutes.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Come on, Sergeant, fake a smile for the camera.
CHRISTINE: You really don't wanna play this thing out. You don't wanna picture of me for your scrapbook and I don't wanna be part of your Hollywood hype. OK?
VICKI BARRINGTON: (turning back) Tell me something. Is it just me, or do you have a problem with all women?
CHRISTINE: Look, it was your idea to come here. Now nobody sent you an engraved invitation. If you can't take the heat, get to hell out of the kitchen!!
VICKI BARRINGTON: I can take anything you can dish out, but I resent it, lady. You think all I am is a tight dress and a push-up bra!
CHRISTINE: (going to leave) If the cup fits...
VICKI BARRINGTON: (stepping in Chris's way) Well, you're wrong! I answered phones, waited tables and parked cars for my acting lessons. And then I had to get past agents, producers and directors who still thought I could sleep my way to the top.
CHRISTINE: Look, I read "Hollywood Wives". And in case you haven't noticed, I have to deal with men too.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Then you ought to know what I'm talking about. Nobody is taking me seriously. Not one of them is giving me credit for having a brain in my head! ...And now you. I thought you'd give me a chance to prove myself.
CHRISTINE: You can't win 'em all.
VICKI BARRINGTON: Why not?! We both pay our dues, but I guess you don't give a damn about any woman's career except your own.
(Vicki leaves. Chris slams her locker door)
CHRISTINE: (yelling after Vicki who has slammed the locker room door) Hell of a performance!!
(she stays in the locker room thinking)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(everybody is assembled except Chris. Samuels and Mary Beth are in the middle of the group with Vicki)
PR MAN: Big smile!
(the photographer gets his shot)
MARY BETH: Do I have too much makeup on, Vicki?
VICKI BARRINGTON: No, you're fine, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: I take a terrible picture. All my pictures look like mug shots. (looking around) The only person that ever took a good picture of me was Christine.
PR MAN: Team! Tighter! Tighter! Vick, more profile. Show more cheekbone. OK?
(the photographer takes the shot)
VICKI BARRINGTON: Why don't we get a picture of me and Mary Beth?
PR MAN: It's a good idea! Sure! Guys, just the gals.
MARY BETH: I know where this one is going. This one is going straight to Harvey's bowling.
PR MAN: (the shot is taken) Super. (as Chris returns) Here comes the blonde. Squeeze in there on the end, sweetheart.
CHRISTINE: (going right up to him) Don't call me sweetheart. Where would you like me to stand, Miss. Barrington?
VICKI BARRINGTON: Anywhere that you feel comfortable, Sergeant.
(Chris stands on the other side of Vicki. They all smile. The shot is taken)

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