Sorry, Right Number
Original Airdate: October 20, 1986

[Laceys' kitchen]

(Mary Beth is working away preparing food whilst holding Alice on one arm)
RADIO NEWSREADER: And a good hot Monday morning to you for what promises to be another scorcher as our Fall heat wave continues. Water shortage rules are still in effect and once again ConEd urges us not to use our air-conditioning in the peak midday hours. Of course if you can't...
(Mary Beth turns off the radio)
MICHAEL: Are the eggs ready yet, Mom?
MARY BETH: (putting a dish into a microwave) In a second, sweetheart. (to Alice as she pushes the start button) All right now, are you ready? There! ...Harve!!!
HARVEY: Yo!
MARY BETH: Honey.
HARVEY JR.: I haven't got all day, you know.
HARVEY: Watch your mouth, young man. This is your mother here.
MARY BETH: I can't get it started, Harve.
HARVEY: Is it plugged in?
MARY BETH: Honey?
HARVEY: I was just checking. (Mary Beth puts Alice in her high chair) Honey, I see the problem. Come here.
MARY BETH: (to Harvey Jr.) Watch her.
HARVEY: You see this little light here?
MARY BETH: Yeah.
HARVEY: That's 'Timer Automatic'. You've gotta put it on 'Manual' and reset it. I'm telling ya. You see we've got a machine and a half here.
MARY BETH: The light is still on, Harve.
HARVEY: Which?
MARY BETH: The one by the 'Auto Timer' button.
HARVEY: Yeah, I see. Maybe you've gotta push it twice, huh? (he does) The light's out! Hey guys, get ready for the fluffiest eggs you ever had.
(Harvey presses a button)
MARY BETH: Now all the lights are out! Maybe I should just cook this up the normal way, Harve.
HARVEY: Come on, honey, you've gotta have faith in this machine.
MARY BETH: (to the boys) It'll be couple more seconds.
HARVEY: (grabbing the instructions) Maybe you just put the timer on and then push 'Manual', huh? (he pushes a button) Oh.

[Precinct House yard]

MARY BETH: (they come out) So yesterday Harvey said he's going out to get his Sunday papers. Twenty minutes later he comes back home with a new, state-of-the-art microwave oven.
CHRISTINE: Wow! That's the newest thing you've got.
MARY BETH: This machine is a great deal more advanced than the Lieutenant's, Christine. It can make a meat loaf in thirteen minutes.
CHRITINE: (as she goes to get in the car) I can buy one in two.

[Squad car]

CHRITINE: (getting in the car and complaining about the heat) Whew! I don't know what to pack for this weekend.
MARY BETH: This is the weekend of the trip, isn't it?
CHRITINE: Mary Beth, it's just a trip. It's a little jaunt. It's actually nothing special!
MARY BETH: Ah ha. When you leaving?
CHRITINE: Thursday afternoon.
MARY BETH: Buckle up.
(Chris babbles on while she puts her seat belt on)
MARY BETH: When was the last time you took a day off work?
CHRITINE: Two months ago. We took in a Yankee double-header.
MARY BETH: You know, it sounds nice, Christine. A little quiet place in the country. Just the two of you. No roads, no traffic, no telephones. It sounds nice. Lots of fresh air to breathe.
(Mary Beth backs out)
CHRITINE: It's sounds just as nice to stay home and refresh in front of the air-conditioning.
MARY BETH: You're such a romantic.

[Manhattan street]

CHRISTINE: It's been a long time since we were together for four days.
MARY BETH: It's a little like riding a bike. You'll remember how.
(a roller skater flies between the duo, knocking Chris. She yells abuse after him)
MARY BETH: It's too hot.
CHRISTINE: Did you see that?
MARY BETH: No, Christine, I missed it.

[Outside Dr. Saunder's apartment building]

CHRISTINE: (showing her shield to the doorman) Police.

[Dr. Saunders' apartment]

SOLOMON: Oh, hey! Christine!
CHRISTINE: Hey! Solomon!
(they do a boogie)
SOLOMON: I know. I know. You picked this case 'cos you knew I'd be here.
CHRISTINE: The only reason.
SOLOMON: Well, let me tell you something, you're one lucky woman. Come here. Come here. (he puts his arm around her. She looks at his hand on her shoulder. Mary Beth looks around the apartment) I've just picked up a cherry, fifty-nine Nash Rambler. Red vinyl seats that fold ...all the way down. Huh? Comfort. Romance. Great shocks. And I happen to be er, free tonight.
CHRISTINE: Oh, Mick, I'm sorry, I'm busy. Ha. I'm just sick about it. (as she breaks free of Solomon) So, what do we have?
SOLOMON: Er, usual stuff. Easy entry.
MARY BETH: Seems like they weren't in any hurry.
SOLOMON: Well, they just took like, small stuff. You know, CD's, player, tape deck. Stuff like that. Nothing that couldn't be carried. (beckoning her away from Mary Beth) Christine, you should hear Johnny Mathis in the Rambler.
DR. SAUNDERS: (coming in) Ladies!
CHRISTINE: (to Solomon) Excuse me.
DR. Saunders: Can I help you?
MARY BETH: (shaking his hand) Dr. Saunders, I presume.
DR. SAUNDERS: That's right.
MARY BETH: (showing her shield) We're the PD!.

[Dr. Saunders' office]

DR. SAUNDERS: ...and some micro-cassette tape recorders that I use to tape my sessions with. Very expensive.
CHRISTINE: Are you a psychiatrist?
DR. SAUNDERS: Marriage counsellor. He also managed to take Olga's jewellery.
MARY BETH: Olga is your wife, sir?
DR. SAUNDERS: To all intents and purposes.
MARY BETH: Is that a 'yes' or a 'no'?
DR. SAUNDERS: We don't believe in the parchment of marriage. Our commitment is internal, not external. I take it that you're married, Detective.
MARY BETH: Yes sir, I am, sir. Seventeen years, externally as well as internally.
DR. SAUNDERS: Congratulations! Olga and I have together twenty-three.
MARY BETH: Congratulations.
CHRISTINE: Have you any idea when this robbery might have occurred?
DR. SAUNDERS: Some time over the weekend. We were at our house in The Hamptons.
MARY BETH: Anybody know you were er, out of town, sir?
DR. SAUNDERS: My patients. I informed them. My answering service. Relatives. Friends.
CHRISTINE: Well, we'll need a list of your patients, Doctor, to run through our computer to check for criminal records.
CHRISTINE: Hey, let me understand this. Because someone sees a therapist, they are automatically a criminal?
CHRISTINE: Because they knew you were out of town, they're automatically suspects. But you're welcome to put your friends' names on the list, if that would make you happy.
DR. SAUNDERS: You're asking me to violate a sacred trust with my patients! For what?! A stereo? Some tape recorders? This is a matter of ethics.

[Hallway of Dr. Saunders' apartment building]

CHRISTINE: Maybe the doorman will know something.
MARY BETH: He's got some attitude, considering he's a marriage counsellor.
CHRISTINE: I thought he was professional.
MARY BETH: He's not even married!
CHRISTINE: So!? He's not a male gynaecologist.

[Mens barbers]

(a radio is on a shelf with the hairdressing equipment)
RADIO NEWSREADER: And as the heat wave sizzles itself into its third day, a special message for those of you sitting comfortably in front of your eight thousand BTU window air-conditioners from Mayor "Ed". He says 'Turn them off and suffer with the rest of us'. ha, ha, ha.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(the lights go off for a second and then they come back on. Manny Esposito has his feet up on his desk and is using a battery-powered fan to keep himself cool. The other detectives are looking on enviously. Coleman comes up and looks at him)
ESPOSITO: Oh boy. Huh. Huh. All right, who wants it next? One buck for the first five minutes. Fifty cents every minute thereafter.
COLEMAN: You know, Esposito. You just got here. Already you're in business.
ESPOSITO: Oh, come on. It's a free enterprise system. What are you, some kind of communist?
CORASSA: My last guy had class.
ESPOSITO: So do I. It's mostly lower, but class. Oo, hoo, hoo. Oh yes! So refreshing!!
(the duo comes in)
CHRISTINE: Maybe they got the security code and punched their way in while the doorman was napping.
COLEMAN: (coming up to them) Well, you're moving up in the world. You've got a call on a high-flying burglary. Doctor on Park Avenue.
CHRISTINE: We know that. We were just there.
COLEMAN: Impossible!
MARY BETH: Dr. Saunders, ten-thirty-eight, Park Avenue.
COLEMAN: Close, but no cigars. Dr. Roberts, ten-fifty-three, Park Avenue. (looking at Esposito) Hey, if he's a dermatologist, maybe you could have him recommend me something for a nasty little itch.
(the duo goes back out)

[Car somewhere in Manhattan]

(the driver is listening to the car radio)
RADIO NEWSREADER: Looks like the old thermometer will be topping a hundred again today, so just in case you haven't noticed "Eddie, it's hot". We all know what that means. Well, just to be sure, ConEd is reminding us that prudence is advised during those midday hours. So get them suckers off!!!

[Dr. Roberts' apartment]

DR. ROBERTS: They got my telescope. They got my videotape camera which I use in my practice. Go away for a weekend. What happens?!
MARY BETH: You photograph your patients?
DR. ROBERTS: I tape them. Extremely useful in sex therapy.
(Mary Beth follows Dr. Roberts through a doorway. Solomon stops Chris by putting his arm across the doorway)
SOLOMON: Picture this. The Rambler humming across the Verrazano Narrows. You, prone in the passenger seat. A gallon of white wine at your feet.
CHRISTINE: (deliberately) I would rather ...be set ...on fire.
(she ducks under the arm)
DR. ROBERTS: I was out of town for the weekend. It's never happened to me before. I feel so ...violated. Are you ready for the worst part. (Solomon puts his arm around Chris. She shrugs it off) All my fertility jugs. Gone.
MARY BETH: Fertility jugs, sir?
DR. ROBERTS: Whatever works, Detective. You know, I think the Incas were onto something. Sex is mostly in the mind. If you have the right attitude, you can enjoy sex with almost anyone.
SOLOMON: (to Chris) Listen to this man.
CHRISTINE: He said 'almost'.
(his pager bleeps)
DR. ROBERTS: If you'll excuse me, I'd better check my service. It could be an emergency.
MARY BETH: (as Roberts picks up the phone) We're finished here for the time being anyway. If you change your mind about that list of clients, please give us a call.
DR. ROBERTS: Oh, no can do. They demand discretion. They bare their souls to me. And that's not all. Ha, ha, ha. (looking round) Oh, my God! The videotapes!! They must have taken them too.
(Solomon puts his hand on Chris's shoulder. She slaps it off)

[Outside Dr. Roberts' apartment block]

CHRISTINE: So what do we have? Another doctor. Another...
MARY BETH: That man's not what I call a doctor.
CHRISTINE: Doctor is a diploma not a character reference.
MARY BETH: I don't care what it is. What kind of emergency could a sex therapist possibly...
CHRISTINE: Never mind.

[Detectives' Squad room]

ESPOSITO: (coming in with Corassa) I'm sorry, I thought it was the perp.
CORASSA: I don't like your suppliers.
ESPOSITO: Well, I handle a line of stuff that works magic.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Thank you, Dr. Saunders. ...Absolutely confidential. ...Yes sir. ...Yes sir.
CHRISTINE: (dividing a pile of files into two) Do you want this year, or the year before.
MARY BETH: (handing Chris a note from the phone call) How about three names, with addresses, from our Dr. Saunders.
(they go out to the computer terminal)
COLEMAN: (pointing to his strips) Power. Influence.
ESPOSITO: (pointing to his battery-powered fan) Supplies. Demands. The free market knows no favours.

[Precinct House front desk]

ISBECKI: (to the computer terminal operator) Well, go back another five years and run it through again.
TERMINAL OPERATOR: Yes sir.
CHRISTINE: I want the memory bank, Isbecki, I'm gonna req it.
ISBECKI: Every detective knows the value of in-depth research.
SAMUELS: (coming in with a file) Isbecki, you and Petrie. Homicide.
ISBECKI: ...and blind luck. (indicating the computer terminal) It's all yours.
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant!!
SAMUELS: You can't have 'em all, Cagney.
MARY BETH: We're overloaded as it is, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, a couple of two-bit burglaries.
MARY BETH: And three car thefts, and a narcotics, and two missing persons.
CHRISTINE: Basil, (to the terminal operator, reading from the note) Put these in. Vesey, Carlos, five-thirty-six, East...
(the lights flicker)
MARY BETH: What is that?
TERMINAL OPERATOR: Power fluctuation.
ESPOSITO: (coming up) Excuse me, Sergeant, let me take a look. Oh yes. This is classic. You see, the surge suppressor couldn't take the sudden drop in voltage. These babies are very sensitive. They only operate within a certain tolerance. You understand? Now it's obvious the back up power failed, and that's why I never trust these things.
(Chris looks at the note, frustrated)

[Restaurant]

CHRISTINE: We were just about to put this name through and the damn thing breaks down.
(the lights go down and come back up)
DAVID: Speaking of computers, Chris. I don't know how to tell you this.
CHRISTINE: Shut your eyes and take it real fast.
DAVID: It's the weekend.
CHRISTINE: What happened?
DAVID: Computer fouled up. Something happened with my credit card. Our reservations were never confirmed.
CHRISTINE: Oh. Oh gee. That's all right!
DAVID: It's not all right. I was really looking forward to getting away.
CHRISTINE: So was I.
DAVID: Just the two of us. ...Alone.
CHRISTINE: We can be alone here in this heat.
DAVID: It's not the same.
CHRISTINE: It could be better!
(Chris smiles at him seductively)
DAVID: I wanted to see some greenery!
CHRISTINE: I'll put on the opera chic! Look, I'll stock my place with orange juice, laced with champagne. It'll be great, believe me!
DAVID: Chris, we are so wrapped up in our own lives, we don't have time for each other. We need a change of scenery. A place in the country where we can talk.
CHRISTINE: We talk.
DAVID: We argue.
CHRISTINE: We do not! (the lights go down and come back up again) ...Look, I'm gonna take the day off anyway. I'll buy something from the nature centre and I'll run water in the bathroom. You'll think you're in Walden Pond.
DAVID: Chris, I'm serious.
CHRISTINE: So am I.
DAVID: (as the lights finally go out) I hope the whole City's not lights-out. I think this is important for us.
CHRISTINE: Mm hm.
DAVID: We need a change.
CHRISTINE: Mm hm!
DAVID: Are you there?
CHRISTINE: Mm hm!!

[Restaurant table in the sun]

(there is a portable radio on it)
RADIO NEWSREADER: The Big Apple's gonna have problems if we don't get those appliances off. That means the electric toothbrushes too.

[Precinct House front desk]

SAMUELS: (who has just been to the drinks machine) Now let me see if I got this straight. You want me to help you get a court order so you can subpoena the records of three patients of this Dr. Saunders.
CHRISTINE: Well, sir, there are extenuating circumstances.
SAMUELS: Meaning?
MARY BETH: The computer is down, sir.
SAMUELS: Oh. That sounds a good reason to throw up the Civil Code? Did you ever hear of doctor/patient confidentiality? Privileged communications? Something in that ball park.
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant, any idiot can hang a sign out and call himself a therapist.
SAMUELS: Oh, you're an expert on therapy? OK. Well let me tell you something. People who go to see a shrink want that to be their private business.
MARY BETH: Sir!
SAMUELS: As far as I'm concerned, those doctor's records are off limits!
MARY BETH: We are not interested in anything but checking for priors. And we don't want any information we could not get off a computer.
SAMUELS: What did you do before we had 'em?

[Files storeroom]

(the duo is searching through filing cabinets)
CHRISTINE: Well, I never thought of Samuels as a shrink lover.
MARY BETH: Well, it's cooler down here anyway. Of course it's very comfortable out in Fresh Meadows. Did you and David make other plans for the weekend yet?
CHRISTINE: He left a message. Suggested the Poconos.
MARY BETH: Oh, the Poconos! They're so romantic, Christine. When Harvey and I went there for our honeymoon, we had a heart-shaped tub and the bed had pink sheets. We saw Red Buttons. He looked exactly the same as he did in "Hatari".
CHRISTINE: (sarcastically) Sound's fantastic. That was seventeen years ago .
MARY BETH: I'm sure the mountains are still there. Speaking about getting lucky, Christine. 'Carlisle, Stacey'. Arrested, convicted and put on probation two years ago.
CHRISTINE: For what?
MARY BETH: Bigamy.
CHRISTINE: Not exactly public enemy number one.
MARY BETH: Yeah, maybe not, but get a load of this! Dr. Roberts testified at Carlisle's trial. Tell me that's a fluke.

[Detectives' Squad room]

COLEMAN: (as the duo comes up from the storeroom) Dr. Roberts called. Remember to ask him about the prescription. This heat's really hard on some conditions.
CHRISTINE: He's a sex therapist, Coleman.
COLEMAN: Speaking about sensitive...
CHRISTINE: Talk to you wife, Coleman. (to Mary Beth) You call Roberts. I've gotta call David.
MARY BETH: Yeah.
(Chris puts her head in her hands)
MARY BETH: (into phone) Hello. Dr. Roberts. ...This is Detective Lacey returning... ...Oh, certainly.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) David Keeler, please ...Christine Cagney calling.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Ah ha. I understand.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) So, just tell him 'Hold the Poconos'. ...'How about the Berkshires?'.
MARY BETH: (into phone) How do you spell that, sir?
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Thank you.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Oh, the answer's 'Yes'. ...Absolutely! ...Thank you. ...Bye bye now. (she rings off) It seems that Dr. Roberts uses certain unorthodox techniques, which if those videos were to be made public... So he came across with four names of patients, and you will never guess who one of them is.
CHRISTINE: Stacey Carlisle.
MARY BETH: Berkshires, huh?!
CHRISTINE: I don't think David and I are close enough for the Poconos.

[Stacey Carlisle's office]

CARLISLE: It was a big misunderstanding!
MARY BETH: They didn't say it wasn't, Mr. Carlisle.
CARLISLE: Well, I forgot about Marilyn. It was easy to forget about her. I thought we were divorced. A lawyer will screw you up worse than a shrink.
CHRISTINE: Do you know a Dr. Saunders?
CARLISLE: That quack! Well, Marilyn and I were always arguing so we went to see him. And in almost no time at all he had us arguing about him.
MARY BETH: How about a Dr. Roberts?
CARLISLE: Ah, well, Saunders referred us to Roberts. We were er, having ...other kinds of problems too. When a relationship goes bad, it really goes bad.
CHRISTINE: Oh, I'm surprised.
MARY BETH: I don't now. It's too hot to go with all of that stuff. What did you think about this Dr. Roberts?
CARLISLE: Well, it's like a little club. They figure they've got a live one, so they pass you around. Like a hat. Only instead of putting money in, they take money out. The only one who was any good is the past-life therapist.
(the duo looks at one another)
MARY BETH: Past lives, sir?
CARLISLE: Oh, believe me, I was sceptical too. But at that point, I was willing to try anything. Who you were in your prior life could be the root cause of your problems today. That's when we realised how hopeless it was.
CHRISTINE: What was?
CARLISLE: Our relationship. When I first saw Marilyn, she was in Marie Antoinette's court. She was a princess and I was some poor slob selling stale rolls. We'd been mismatched for centuries.
MARY BETH: Mr. Carlisle, getting back to the present day, what were you doing this last weekend?
CARLISLE: I was at a marathon consulting group.
CHRISTINE: Can anybody verify that?
CARLISLE: Sure. Dr. Roberts. He was running it.
MARY BETH: I thought you didn't like Dr. Roberts!
CARLISLE: I'd already paid for my session.

[Manhattan street]

CHRISTINE: Too much head shrinking, Mary Beth. That man is wearing is hat on his shoulders.
MARY BETH: How about Atlantic City? Harvey's been wanting to go there for months. I've got a brochure at home. I could bring you that. International cuisine. Casinos.
CHRISTINE: David's not much on gambling.
MARY BETH: He's going out with you, isn't he?!
CHRISTINE: Almost funny, Mary Beth.

[Precinct House front desk]

COLEMAN: Cagney. I got some messages for you. David Keeler called. He said the Berkshires are tripe. (to Mary Beth) Nothing for you.
CHRISTINE: Great! What did he say the Poconos are? Original!
COLEMAN: He called back a little later. He said that he'd pick you up here. He's got some good news.
(the lights go out and come back on)
CHRISTINE: Did he say the time?
COLEMAN: How should I know? (Petrie and Isbecki come in) Victor. (handing him a message) Park Avenue homicide.
ISBECKI: Mrs. Dartman?
COLEMAN: Yeah, the widow called.
PETRIE: Do you think she's got another question about your upper body workout?
ISBECKI: Conversation's comforting.
PETRIE: Marcus!
ISBECKI: It's basic police work.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (into phone) Dr. Roberts, please. ...No. ...No, there is no need beep him. ...Thank you very much. ...I'll try tomorrow ...Thank you.
(she rings off. Esposito comes up and gives her some files)
MARY BETH: Why do Hispanic people take the heat so well?
ESPOSITO: Well, they've had hundreds of years more practice. (going over to Chris and putting his fan in front of her and switching it on) Sergeant. For you. (putting his finger to his lips) It's free.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) David Keeler, please. ...Er, do you know if he's coming back? ...No. That's all right. I'll call him at home. ...Thank you. (ringing off) Now he's out of the office.
MARY BETH: Wish me luck, Christine. I'm cooking dinner in the microwave oven tonight.
(Chris picks up the phone and dials another number)
ISBECKI: What are you making?
MARY BETH: Instant everything.
ISBECKI: Yeah, I got one. I use it all the time.
CHRISTINE: That accounts for the brain damage. (putting the phone down) Answering machine.
MARY BETH: Christine!
CHRISTINE: Wait a minute. I'm gonna call my machine.
MARY BETH: I called Dr. Roberts but I got his service. I'll try him again tomorrow, first thing, OK?
CHRISTINE: Yes. (having listened to her answering machine) Terrific! The secretary leaves a message that I should call if I'm going back home before I come here. His secretary is talking to my machine about what the two of us are doing this weekend. What did we do before we had answering machines?
MARY BETH: Call back. Are you going home?
CHRISTINE: No. I'm staying here. He's picking me up.
ISBECKI: The white knight is coming here?
MARY BETH: I must have left my keys in the locker room. Give David my best.
CHRISTINE: OK. Bye.
(Isbecki plants himself in Mary Beth's chair and puts a foot up on the desk)
CHRISTINE: Victor. Don't you have some bimbo waiting for you?
ISBECKI: All the bimbos of the world. I wanna see Mr. Right up close. I wanna see what it takes to get your motor running.
CHRISTINE: Trust me, Victor. You don't have the tools. ...Don't you have some work to do?
ISBECKI: You've just reminded me.
(he picks up Mary Beth's phone)
ISBECKI: (into phone) Mrs. Dartman, please. Detective Isbecki returning her call. ...What is this? An answering service? ...Hey doll, you've got a terrific accent. ...Yeah. ...Thank you.
(he rings off)
ISBECKI: There's something about a chick with an English accent that really turns me on.
CHRISTINE: I'm sure the Queen will be glad to hear that. (she notices David in the doorway) Hi! (she rushes over to him) Hi.
(he gives him a peck)
ISBECKI: (to Petrie and Esposito) This is love. This is what life's all about.
CHRISTINE: I was going to call you.
DAVID: Me too.
ISBECKI: (yelling across the office) I see he's got a tie, Cagney?
(Isbecki waves. David nods back)
CHRISTINE: So what's the good news?
DAVID: (pulling out some air tickets) Martha's Vineyard, four days.
CHRISTINE: Oh!!! That's great news!!
DAVID: Today makes it a real occasion.
CHRISTINE: I can't get an extra day.
DAVID: You said you had some vacation days due. Come on, we'll talk about it on the way home.
CHRISTINE: Well, that's why I was trying to call you. I've got something I've got to do. ...Tonight.
DAVID: Well, call me when you get off. We'll have a late dinner.
CHRISTINE: Will do. (they peck) Bye.
(as David leaves Isbecki has come right up behind Chris. She turns round )
ISBECKI: Now I know what I've been doing wrong. I've gotta get my nails buffed.
CHRISTINE: Buff this, Isbecki.
(she walks away)

[Locker room]

(Chris comes in and opens her locker door)
MARY BETH: What do ya know? They were in my purse the whole time. ....What are you doing here? Did you forget something?
CHRISTINE: (closing her locker) No.
MARY BETH: Is David waiting for you?
CHRISTINE: (somewhat disturbed) David is waiting for me, Mary Beth, and some sort of debt to emerge out of what was before ...beforehand a perfectly sensible, highly sexual, healthy relationship between two normal people (getting emotional) who are now gonna hole up for four days out in the middle of nowhere!!
MARY BETH: I thought it was three.
CHRISTINE: So did I. He got a new reservation ..with an extra day tacked on. Mary Beth, you can't believe the look in his eyes.
MARY BETH: He cares for you, Christine.
CHRISTINE: I know he cares for me, Mary Beth, and I care for him. But that's no reason to drag me out into the middle of the boondocks as a sop for my soul!!!
MARY BETH: Chris, what is it you want?
CHRISTINE: I want everything to stay the same. (the lights go down and up) He's just making this whole thing too important.
MARY BETH: Well, don't go then. Tell him 'No'.
CHRISTINE: I can't do that! He's so excited about going to the country and get away and show me his new plaid shirt and his suspenders.
MARY BETH: It could turn out to be a lot of fun.
CHRISTINE: We're not getting too sensitive here, are we? We're not getting married! We're going away for four days.
MARY BETH: Exactly!
CHRISTINE: For what?!
MARY BETH: Chris, I gotta go. If I can get home soon, with the new microwave, I could freshen up for dinner. For Harvey.
CHRISTINE: Sure. I'll sign you out. You go ahead. (as Mary Beth makes to leave) You don't know where you stand these days with men, Mary Beth. That's the thing. They say you can sleep now and ask questions later. (as Mary Beth turns to say something) Well, it's fine for you, you and Harvey, you had a courtship! You had a heart-shaped bed for God's sake!
MARY BETH: The tub was heart-shaped. The bed had pink sheets.
CHRISTINE: Fine. At least you knew where you were.
MARY BETH: We still do. ...You know, sometimes thinking gets in the way, Chris. I'll see ya tomorrow.
CHRISTINE: OK. (she mouths 'had pink sheets' a couple of times) My God, next time I'll puke.

[Laceys' dining room]

MARY BETH: (coming in carrying a tray) Brought to you by the miracle of modern science in one hour fourteen minutes. (she puts a roast turkey on the table) Ta da!
(the boys look at it, unexcited)
HARVEY: Boy, am I starved. Let's eat!
HARVEY JR.: What is it?
MARY BETH: It's a turkey.
MICHAEL: (as Harvey begins to carve it) What happened to it?
MARY BETH: It got cooked! I had to cut the legs off to fit it in the machine.
(the boys make more remarks as Harvey struggles carving it)
MICHAEL: It looks sick.
HARVEY JR.: It's worse than sick, it's dead!
HARVEY: Hey!
MICHAEL: It's not cooked.
HARVEY: Sure it is. Hey. (struggling to carve the bird) Hey! Hey. (tasting a piece) Honey. It's delicious. It's the sweetest turkey I ever tasted in my life.
MICHAEL: Where's the crispy part?
MARY BETH: There is no crispy part when you make it in the microwave, Michael.
MICHAEL: The crispy part is my favourite.
HARVEY JR.: Mine too.
MARY BETH: It's healthier for you this way.
HARVEY JR.: I don't like nuked turkey.
MICHAEL: Me neither.
(Harvey is still struggling with the turkey. Mary Beth stalks off to the kitchen)
HARVEY: Now you guys could have at least given it a shot!
(he follows Mary Beth to the kitchen, closing the door)

[Laceys' kitchen]

(Mary Beth is crying)
HARVEY: I'm sorry.
MARY BETH: No, they're right. They could play basketball with that turkey.
HARVEY: Maybe I was wrong about the microwave. I won't push it. I just thought you wanted it.
MARY BETH: I did!!! I did.
(she begins to sob)
HARVEY: Forget it.
MARY BETH: No. ...No. I'll get used to it. We will use it. We will use it, Harvey, ...to make our life better somehow.
HARVEY: Like?
MARY BETH: Like that night ...when we wanna make cocoa. It can make cocoa in forty-seven seconds.
HARVEY: What will we do with the extra time?
MARY BETH: (looking at him) We'll think of something.

[Beach]

(people are sunbathing. A portable radio is on the sand)
RADIO NEWSREADER: The Weather Bureau tells us we'll be hitting more record temperatures again today. That's the bad news. The other bad news is that we'll be doing it again tomorrow.

[Detectives' Squad room]

PETRIE: (handing Isbecki a piece of paper) Victor, she's still leaving messages.
ISBECKI: Oh, I called her last night but she wasn't home. She's not exactly your grieving widow, you know.
CHRISTINE: Have you heard from Mary Beth?
ISBECKI: No.
PETRIE: Give her time.
CHRISTINE: She's not normally late without calling in.
ISBECKI: Have you tried her at home?
CHRISTINE: (sarcastically) Well, what a good idea, Victor! Why didn't I think of that.
ISBECKI: (picking up a suitcase) Hey! Whoa! What do we have here? Do I sense a long weekend, Cagney?
CHRISTINE: No, I'm running away from home.
ISBECKI: I'll give you ten bucks for a little looksy.
CHRISTINE: Victor, back off. Right? You're drooling on my leather.
ISBECKI: Come on! I just wanna see what Mr. Posh Male has to look forward to. I think you're into black lace. What do you think, Marcus?
PETRIE: I think it's none of our business.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, Petrie.
ISBECKI: Twenty bucks. It's my last offer.
CHRISTINE: You're too hot, already, Victor.
COLEMAN: Another burglary on Park Avenue.
CHRISTINE: (looking at the form from Coleman) Has Lacey called?
COLEMAN: No. Maybe it's this heat. Maybe the baby's sick. She could be at the doctor's.
CHRISTINE: No, I called her house. Muriel was there. She said she left at the normal time.
(the phone rings)

[Detectives' Squad room/Phone booth on a Manhattan street]

CHRISTINE: Sergeant Cagney, Fourteenth.
MARY BETH: Christine.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth where've you been!
(Isbecki moves the suitcase onto a desk with his back to Chris)
CHRISTINE: I can't hear you. Are you all right?
MARY BETH: Christine, I wouldn't wish the morning I've had this morning on my worst enemy. Three buses passed me by, they were so full.
CHRISTINE: Isbecki, if you touch that, I will cut your hands off.
(he hold his hands up)
MARY BETH: When I did get a bus...
CHRISTINE: I'm sorry, Mary Beth, what were you saying?
MARY BETH: When I did get a bus, we were packed in like sardines and it was starting to smell like a two-bit khazi because the air conditioning didn't work.
(Isbecki is trying to pick the suitcase locks)
CHRISTINE: Isbecki!!!
(Isbecki stands up straight. Chris picks up the phone and moves towards him)
MARY BETH: So finally I get to the subway and I got even a strap to hang on to, you'll never guess what happened. ...Are you listening to this?
CHRISTINE: Every word!
MARY BETH: Lousy train breaks down for forty-five minutes under the East River.
CHRISTINE: So are you coming in?
MARY BETH: Oh yeah. You don't think I came all this way for nothing.
CHRISTINE: Right. There's been another burglary.
MARY BETH: Don't tell me. A doctor.
CHRISTINE: Vernon. One-five-eight-five, Park Avenue, apartment eleven B.
MARY BETH: I'll grab a bus and meet you there. You chalk me in, all right?
CHRISTINE: Yeah.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, maybe you ought to walk.
MARY BETH: With my luck today, I'd get run over by a cab.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Isbecki has got one lock open)
CHRISTINE: (pushing him off and taking the suitcase away) Eat you heart out!

[Park Avenue apartment block foyer]

CHRISTINE: (coming in and showing the doorman her shield) Sergeant Cagney, Fourteenth.
(Chris gets into a lift. Petrie and Isbecki come in. Petrie shows his shield)
ISBECKI: (searching his pockets) Oh, oh. Hold every thing. I'm not properly dressed. First rule in the Detective's Handbook. You never know. (to Petrie as he goes back out) I'll meet you upstairs.
(Petrie calls the lift)

[Dr. Vernon's apartment]

DR. VERNON: I had these fabulous antique watches. I just got back in town this morning to find the entire collection gone.
CHRISTINE: You don't happen to know a Stacey Carlisle?
DR. VERNON: Yes! He's a client of mine. ...You have a very ancient face. ...I mean, like a Flemish peasant woman. Have you ever been Dutch?

(in an apartment on the floor above Petrie is with Mrs. Dartman)

[The Dartmans' apartment]

MRS. DARTMAN: Shouldn't we wait for Victor?
PETRIE: Oh, trust me, I'll fill him in. (she sits seductively on a settee. Petrie sits carefully at the other end) Now, what is it that you wanted to tell us?
MRS. DARTMAN: Well, when I told you that my husband and I were away for the weekend, that was only partially true.
PETRIE: Ah ha.
MRS. DARTMAN: You see, we were away, but we were away separately. Walter and I haven't exactly been ...getting along.
PETRIE: But he came back?
MRS. DARTMAN: Oh, probably to check up on me. Walter was extremely jealous. Very possessive. He always thought I was cheating on him.
PETRIE: And were you?
MRS. DARTMAN: Not ...always.

[Park Avenue apartment block foyer]

(Mary Beth arrives and finds Isbecki waiting for the lift)
MARY BETH: Victor!
ISBECKI: Mary Beth!
MARY BETH/ISBECKI: What are you doing here?!!!
MARY BETH: Don't tell me, the homicide.
ISBECKI: Yeah, and you?
MARY BETH: (as the lights down and up) Another burglary. Christine's upstairs already.
ISBECKI: So's Marcus.
MARY BETH: (pressing the lift call button. The doors open) Oh, thank you. The first good thing that's happened to me all day.

[Lift]

ISBECKI: What floor do you want?
MARY BETH: Eleven, please.
ISBECKI: Would you care for a mint?
MARY BETH: No. Thanks. My mother always told me never to take candy from strange men. ...It's a joke, Victor!
ISBECKI: Oh, yeah. ...Very funny.
(suddenly the lights go down and up and the lift shudders to a halt)
ISBECKI: Oh! No!! (pressing all the buttons) Come on. Come on.
MARY BETH: Don't... Don't break it, Victor.
(Isbecki starts banging and kicking the doors violently)
MARY BETH: I don't think that's gonna do any good.
(Mary Beth rings the alarm bell)
ISBECKI: I hate these damn things.

[The Dartmans' apartment]

(the phone rings)
MRS. DARTMAN: (into phone) Yes. ...Oh. Just a moment. (to Petrie) The doorman. It's for you.
PETRIE: (into phone after he has carefully climbed over Mrs. Dartman) Hello. This is Detective Petrie. ...Oh, my God! ...Yes, I'll be right down. (ringing off) Excuse me. My partner's stuck in the elevator.
MRS. DARTMAN: Bring him back up when he's free.

[Park Avenue apartment block foyer]

CHRISTINE: (staggering out from the staircase) What is wrong with the elevator?
PETRIE: Chris!
CHRISTINE: Marcus!
PETRIE/CHRISTINE: What are you doing here?!!!
PETRIE: We're here on a case. Victor's stuck in an elevator.
DOORMAN: (fiddling with the fuses) There's a lady got stuck in there too.
CHRISTINE: Detective Lacey?
DOORMAN: How would I know? Don't you guys talk to each other? It's stuck between floors.
CHRISTINE: Why is it stuck?
DOORMAN: That power surge jammed something.
PETRIE: So how long do you think it will take to fix?
DOORMAN: The last time it was an all-nighter.

[Lift]

(Isbecki puts the emergency phone back in the box and punches the access door)
ISBECKI: The phone is dead.
(he paces back and forth and looks up at the ceiling. Later with Isbecki still pacing up and down, they have their coats and shoes off, Mary Beth is sitting on the floor)
ISBECKI: There's nothing going on.
MARY BETH: Like what?
ISBECKI: If I hadn't been set on by those lesbians, I wouldn't be here right now.
MARY BETH: That's called hindsight.
ISBECKI: Its getting hot in here.
MARY BETH: Why don't you relax and take it easy? Please.
ISBECKI: How much air do you think we've got?
MARY BETH: Plenty, if you don't use it all up prowling around. Why don't you sit down?
ISBECKI: (crouching down beside Mary Beth and pointing at the ceiling) Do you know, if I lift that panel off, I betcha we can climb out of here.
MARY BETH: Not me, Victor, we're eight storeys up.
(Isbecki jumps up)
MARY BETH: (resignedly) Victor. (he climbs onto the leaning rail) Victor! (he moves one of the translucent false ceiling panels) Victor. (he pushes and thumps the exposed roof panel) Victor!
(he continues to thump the panel)
MARY BETH: Sit down.

[Park Avenue apartment block foyer]

CHRISTINE: (directing people coming in wanting to use the lift as a siren wails outside) All of yous please back up. Clear the area now. Thank you very much.
PETRIE: I hope Victor's OK in there.
CHRISTINE: Oh, he'll be fine. He's a big boy.
PETRIE: He's claustrophobic.
CHRISTINE: (laughing and looking up) If we could see.

[Lift]

(Isbecki is now sitting down)
ISBECKI: I have to take my shirt off.
MARY BETH: Hell, I'll take mine off too if it'll help you relax. (he stops taking his shirt off) I'm joking, Victor. (kneeling towards him) Please calm down.
ISBECKI: (taking his shirt off) I can't stand being trapped in here.
MARY BETH: Victor, there's probably all sorts of people who are working very hard right now ...to get us out of here. We have to be patient, Victor.
ISBECKI: The last time I remember is when you were trapped in that boxcar. Remember? (getting very agitated) It's like... It's like every time it gets over ninety degrees, you're gonna get trapped.
MARY BETH: Have you seen any good movies lately, Victor? Anything with er, Clint Eastwood?
ISBECKI: Yeah! Sure! I like these guys you get in action movies.
MARY BETH: Yeah!
ISBECKI: Yeah, it's real good in films like "Shane"!
MARY BETH: Oh, "Shane", that's a heck of a movie. That was a movie, wasn't it? That's one of Harvey's all time favourite movies.
ISBECKI: Yeah, Shane was great. A man all by himself, in a wilderness, standing alone.
MARY BETH: I have always admired that about you. Being brave and stoic and never getting rattled.
ISBECKI: Yeah! Yeah, "Shane" was the best. My mother took me to "Shane" when I was nine years old. That's it, she said, 'That's you up there'. (getting up) Oh God, it's tight in here! (Mary Beth stands up in front of him) Was it tight like this back in that boxcar?!
MARY BETH: You miss your mom, don't you, Victor?
ISBECKI: Yeah, I really do. I do. You know, I owe you for covering for me back then.
MARY BETH: Victor!!! Would yo... We did what we thought was right.
ISBECKI: You know, you're responsible for my life now. (getting agitated again) You know, like a coroner thing. You see the life signs. (putting his arm round her) Oh, don't worry, I'll make you proud!
MARY BETH: What is it that you miss about your mom, Victor?
ISBECKI: (whipping his arm away from Mary Beth) Well, those new shirts she used to buy me. And well, now she's gone, she won't buy them for me anymore. You know, they had that funny kind of pattern, diamond pattern. I don't what you called them. It was er.. Oh, I just can't think.
MARY BETH: Argyle.
MARY BETH: Argyle! Right!! Yeah, I hated them. I really hated them. Yeah, I remember standing in that returning line. Thinking about my Ma. Every Christmas, every birthday. No one will ever love like your mother.
MARY BETH: Did she tell you that?
ISBECKI: Yeah. Why?
MARY BETH: It's not true.
CHRISTINE [OC]: Mary Beth!!!
(they look up. Chris is looking down from the machinery room. Isbecki had obviously removed the roof panel)
MARY BETH: Chris!! Hey!!!
ISBECKI: Hey!
MARY BETH: When are they gonna get this thing moving?!!

[Lift machinery room]

(Chris and Petrie are kneeling, looking down the shaft)
LIFT ENGINEER: You wanna get out of the way. It's dangerous here.
CHRISTINE: Tell me something!

[Lift]

ISBECKI: Hey! Come on!

[Lift machinery room]

CHRISTINE: Stay tuned. Some kind of cable feed is jammed! Are you OK?!

[Lift]

MARY BETH: Fine! We are fine! Don't worry about us!
(Mary Beth and Isbecki laugh)
PETRIE [OC]: Victor?!!!
ISBECKI: Oh! Fine! Absolutely fine!
(Mary Beth laughs. Isbecki gives her a quick kiss. Mary Beth initially looks offended and then they both laugh)

[Precinct House front desk]

(gathered around the computer terminal)
ESPOSITO: (to the terminal operator) Actually it was a tragic day for the male of the species.
COLEMAN: The world has never been the same since. you know that?
DAVID: (coming up to Coleman's shoulder) Sergeant Cagney?
TERMINAL OPERATOR: Who was Bobby Riggs.
ESPOSITO: Bobby Riggs? He was an old tennis pro, who back in nineteen seventy-three had it up to here with the female entourage.
COLEMAN: (dismissively over his shoulder to David) She's out in the field.
TERMINAL OPERATOR: Nineteen seventy-three, I was only eleven at the time.
DAVID: (chiming in) It was a great match, wasn't it?!
TERMINAL OPERATOR: Was it?
DAVID: She shut that loud mouth right up!
(they all look round at him for not being a misogynist)

[Lift machinery room]

CHRISTINE: It must be as hot as hell in that elevator.
ISBECKI: I'll be hearing about sweat stains ...for months.
CHRISTINE: (laughs and shouts at the lift engineer) Say, are you on your lunch break! We don't have all day here! (Petrie is staring at her) What?
(Petrie shakes his head, not sharing Chris's impatience)

[Lift]

(Isbecki is now laying with his head on Mary Beth's lap and she is mopping his brow)
MARY BETH: Now, keep holding my hand. Hold tight here. That's it. In and out. Deep breathing. ...In. ...And out. ...And in. ...And out. That's very good, Victor.
ISBECKI: Lacey, I'm not having a baby! Right?
MARY BETH: That's nice, Victor. Keep breathing. There's nothing wrong with being claustrophobic. (Isbecki grabs her other hand) There.
ISBECKI: When this guy was holding you hostage, did you squeeze his hands also?
MARY BETH: Why don't you close your eyes, Victor, and take nice ...deep breaths and blow it all out?
ISBECKI: I can't keep my eyes shut.
MARY BETH: That's it.
ISBECKI: The walls are coming in!
MARY BETH: No, no. Tell me about the case you're on. This homicide. Hm?
ISBECKI: Yeah. She came back home. This guy wasn't even supposed to be back home.
MARY BETH: Relax, Victor. And he wasn't?
ISBECKI: No, he was supposed to be out on some psychiatrists' convention.
MARY BETH: Was he a psychiatrist?
ISBECKI: Yeah, some kind of shrink. He and his wife were supposed to be out of town.
MARY BETH: Are you sure?!
ISBECKI: Sure I'm sure. I checked with his answering service. At first the chick didn't wanna give me any information. And then I got her to verify it. Ah, you know how the English are.
MARY BETH: Keep your eyes closed and think of wide-open spaces.
ISBECKI: And great actors. Sexy as hell. If her body is anything like her accent, I wouldn't mind giving her a message.
MARY BETH: Just keep deep breathing, Victor, in and out. ...In. ...Out. English, huh?

[Lift machinery room]

PETRIE: Claudia phones the Personnel Department every month in a different phoney voice to ask if any sergeants have retired.
CHRISTINE: Getting on the list is tough.
PETRIE: And Victor's always got the latest good news. The sergeant at the Four-Seven has had a heart attack. And one in the Harbour Squad who drowned.
CHRISTINE: Mm hm. ...It'll happen, Marcus. Maybe in a few months. ...You'd be a good sergeant too.
LIFT ENGINEER: OK, honey. It's almost finished. Your friends'll be free in a couple of minutes.
CHRISTINE: All right!!
(Chris and Petrie leave the machinery room. The lift starts to go down)

[Park Avenue apartment block foyer]

(the lift arrives at the ground floor, almost. Chris and Petrie step up into it)
CHRISTINE: Hey, are you all right?
MARY BETH: We are fine.
CHRISTINE: (helping Mary Beth down into the foyer) Watch it! Watch it! Watch it!!
(Petrie helps Isbecki out)
CHRISTINE: Here, sit down.
(Mary Beth doesn't sit down)
MARY BETH: Actually I think Victor figured this thing out.
ISBECKI: What thing? Who? What?!
MARY BETH: Your homicide. Our burglaries.
PETRIE: Wait a minute! There's a connection?!
CHRISTINE: And he figured it out?!
PETRIE: What is it?!
MARY BETH: What is the one thing that all of these victims have in common?
PETRIE: They're rich!
MARY BETH: And besides that? They all have the same answering service. Right, Victor? The woman with the English accent. Isn't that right? When the doctors were going away at the weekend, they all notified their service. Isn't that what you figured? (finally sitting down. Isbecki sinks to the floor) Oo. Right. That's how the bad guys knew that the apartments would be empty so they could break in uninterrupted.
CHRISTINE: (to Petrie) What does this have to do with your homicide?
(Petrie shakes his head)
MARY BETH: Well, Victor figured that the psychiatrist. (to Isbecki) What's his name?
ISBECKI: Dartman.
MARY BETH: Dartman. Told the service he would be going away and...
CHRISTINE: (getting very excited) And he came home before he was supposed to!!!
ISBECKI: The boyfriend killed him!!
MARY BETH: Good work, Victor!!!
ISBECKI: Aw, it's a shared collar. I couldn't have done it without you.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth who takes a huge swig of bottled water) Are you all right?

[Precinct House front desk]

ISBECKI: (escorting in two men and a woman) Come on.
CHRISTINE: (out of the side of her mouth to Isbecki as she passes him) So much for the sexy weekend in the bathtub.
DAVID: Chris!!!
CHRISTINE: Oh, David, I'm sorry. I'm late. We've missed our reservations. We missed the plane.
DAVID: Not at all. I guaranteed the four days.
CHRISTINE: Oh, no.
DAVID: Come on let's go!
CHRISTINE: I've got paperwork.
MARY BETH: Oh, don't worry about that. Isbecki'll take care of that.
CHRISTINE: (looking at her watch) It'll take as long as three hours to get to JFK.
PETRIE: (coming in) JFK? You'll save a lot of time if you take Cross Island Parkway instead of the throughway.
COLEMAN: (giving David Chris's suitcase) Go. ...Go!

[Precinct House yard]

(Chris and David come out. David is clutching Chris's hand)
CHRISTINE: (stopping) Wait a minute. I wanna get something straight about this trip. I don't wanna spend the time analysing our relationship.
DAVID: All right.
CHRISTINE: Or discussing anything meaningful. The deepest thing I wanna get into is a bathtub.
DAVID: That's fine by me.
CHRISTINE: Sleep. ..Sex. ...Bird watching. All OK.
DAVID: Sounds like the weekend I had planned. Do you wanna shake on it?
CHRISTINE: (looking at the proffered hand) No tricks? (he shakes his head, she takes the hand and he pulls her violently to him and kisses her) Liar.

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