Play It Again, Santa
Original Airdate: December 23, 1985

[Chris's loft]

(David Keeler and Chris come in. They are both carrying bags of Christmas shopping)
CHRISTINE: Yes, it was gorgeous, but a leather jacket is not exactly the thing to wear.
DAVID KEELER: As a fellow Commission member, don't I get a vote? (he gives her a kiss) I've been to a lot of those meetings and they get awfully boring, You'd sure look ...sexy in that jacket.
CHRISTINE: It's a commission on police brutality. I'm supposed to look intelligent, not sexy.
DAVID KEELER: I move to vote...
(he takes her in his arms and kisses her again)
CHRISTINE: I can't let you buy me that jacket. It's too much money.
DAVID KEELER: From someone you're not seeing exclusively?
CHRISTINE: It's just too much money. Period. I thought we'd settled that last part.
DAVID KEELER: That's right. We have. You're right. It's better for both of us.
CHRISTINE: Do you feel funny you've gotta a spook in on the Commission?
DAVID KEELER: No. No problem with those intelligent mature girls.
CHRISTINE: Ah ha. What if I disagree with you about everything?
DAVID KEELER: Almost everything.
(he has continued to peck her throughout this conversation. She moves away)
CHRISTINE: See, you protect the rights of sleazy criminals. I, on the other hand, protect the rights of innocent victims.
(she switches on her Christmas tree lights)
DAVID KEELER: (going over) There is some truth in that. Come here now.
CHRISTINE: (as he takes her in his arms again) Yeah. I love it when you lie.
DAVID KEELER: I'm not lying. You've had an enormous influence on me.
CHRISTINE: (pressed close to David) I can tell. Listen, while I have your attention,...
DAVID KEELER: (as she giggles) How long is this question?
CHRISTINE: Well, it's the police dinner on Christmas Eve. Now are you gonna take me or not? ...To the dance, Keeler!
DAVID KEELER: Don't they make you check all the ACLU lawyers at the door?
CHRISTINE: Not a chance. They're the main course. So, are you gonna see me that Friday?
DAVID KEELER: I might have to check my social calendar.
CHRISTINE: Let me describe my dress.

[Detectives' Squad room]

ISBECKI: Which one of the three should I take to the Big Brothers dinner. Francine or Chi Chi or Michelle the Magnificent?
PETRIE: I can't help you with this, Victor. You see, one of the advantages of being married is that you no longer have to struggle with these decisions.
ISBECKI: Are you wearing a tux?
PETRIE: Absolutely.
ISBECKI: Hey, me too. (as he walks away) I always get lucky when I wear a tux.

[Samuels' office]

NEWMAN: Lieutenant, the man has been missing for three days. I don't see how we can ignore this any longer.
SAMUELS: The man is a street performer. That is hardly your stable population.
NEWMAN: Sir, between my last semester at Cornel and my first quarter at Princeton, I was a street performer! I know the life! This musician would not willingly leave a lucrative street corner, especially not during the busy season. (pointing to two people outside the office dressed in Father Christmas outfits) And especially as everybody out there is worried!
SAMUELS: All right, I'll tell you what, Newman. In the spirit of Christmas, I'm gonna have an impartial third-party listen to the evidence and make a judgement. All right? Cagney! (Newman's face drops) Come on in here a minute, please.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Chris is sitting with the two 'Father Christmases')
ALICE ARAKELIAN: We sang together for three years. He wouldn't go without telling me.
NEWMAN: They started out as a duo, Then Rupert came joined them. They're very good.
ALICE ARAKELIAN: You have to believe me. Neil would never leave this actual planet voluntarily.
CHRISTINE: (looking surprised) Would you like some coffee?
ALICE ARAKELIAN: No thanks.
CHRISTINE: Miss. Arakelian, regulations are very specific on this point. Unless there's positive evidence of a crime having been committed, or a possible suicide, the only one who's eligible to file a missing person report is a relative. Excuse me one minute.
(Chris turns round to get a coffee)
RUPERT MAIN: Come on, Alice, you did what you could. Come on.
ALICE ARAKELIAN: If I was married to him, would you investigate?
CHRISTINE: Well, we'd certainly make out a report. Yes.
ALICE ARAKELIAN: Well, I didn't want to tell you this, but Neil and I used to go together. (she puts her hand on Rupert's which is on her shoulder) You know before we were hooked? (Chris looks knowingly) And there was a real closeness. We had our past lives read for us, and we discovered something truly awesome. In at least three previous incarnations we were brother and sister, which explained the closeness, of course, but made it impossible to continue. (Chris nods knowingly) So you see, we are related. ...Sort of.
CHRISTINE: I understand you've been upset...
ALICE ARAKELIAN: I know something happened to Neil. He left his aura behind! (Chris looks astounded) I can feel it.

[Locker room]

(Newman pursues Chris in. She is putting her coat on)
NEWMAN: OK. So Alice is a little ...different.
CHRISTINE: Obviously your type. Ever thought about asking her out?
NEWMAN: She's already involved. You see, that's what this may all be about! First of all she starts out with Neil, switches over to Rupert and Neil disappears. It's a classic triangle. Or maybe some other performer's trying to take over the corner. Do you realise, Cagney, that a good corner like that can net you fifty, sixty thousand dollars a year. Tax-free. Second of all, I've got a hunch about this and I've learnt to go with my hunches.
CHRISTINE: First of all there is no 'second of all'. It is secondly.
NEWMAN: That's cold, Cagney. I'm talking about a possible life or death and you're correcting my grammar.
(he follows her out)

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: Also your logic. These performers are like nomads, Newman. They're gipsies. They move around a lot and they do not leave a forwarding address. (she signs out) You already have a case! So why don't you concentrate on the cases you do have? Like he Corelli homicide. (giving him a file) Here.
NEWMAN: First of all Mr. Corelli is very dead and the odds are he'll remain so. Neil the flute player's probably still alive and can, maybe, even stay that way with our help. And secondly, you've bent a few rules yourself.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. On a good case. Not investigating the grinch who stole Christmas. So excuse me, please. I've got ten days to finish my Christmas shopping, and I'm eleven days behind.

[Diner]

(the duo come in loaded with bags and wrapping paper)
CHRISTINE: (to a man holding the door for her) Oh, thank you. Anyway...
MARY BETH: (putting down her load, sounding whacked) Oh, Chris!
CHRISTINE: ...if that case wasn't bad enough, I wasted my whole morning in that Police Brutality Commission. Sat around listening to a bunch of those armchair liberals talking junk about situations they know nothing about. All of them, of course, siding with David. And then there was this woman...
MARY BETH: (to Chris relieving her of one bags) Thank you. (to a man on the next stool as she climbs on to a stool still struggling with another bag) Excuse me.
CHRISTINE: Are you all right? And then there was this woman. Right? The kind, dressed-for-success type, you know that. And all day she just cooed 'Oh, Mr. Keeler, you are so right. So right'.
MARY BETH: Christine, (putting a tartan bowl bag on the diner counter) do you think Harvey is gonna like this?
CHRISTINE: Well, it'll be hard to misplace!
MARY BETH: Well, I was thinking of getting a jacket to match. You know, colour-coordinated? Look quite nice, huh?
CHRISTINE: No. Colour-coordinated, Mary Beth, that's dull. Something more imaginative.
MARY BETH: Your outfits are more colour-coordinated than anybody I've ever seen.
CHRISTINE: That's not true, Mary Beth. My clothes are colour-complimentary. Colour-coordinated is dyed-to-match. ...Like that Barbara Cody.
MARY BETH: What 'Barbara Cody'?
CHRISTINE: The one's that at the Commission. The one I told you about. I don't think David hears anything she says. She's a part-time fashion consultant. ...Probably thinks he's one of her fabrics. Paisley! I bet she uses it at her home address in every detail. ...'Oh, Mr. Keeler, you are so right'. (looking at the menu) What are you gonna have?
MARY BETH: (staring ahead) Some water. (pointing to a Hawaii poster showing a beach) Look at it, Christine. It looks so...
CHRISTINE: Warm?
MARY BETH: Wet. ...It looks so wet.

[Laceys' bedroom]

(Mary Beth is sitting up. Harvey is asleep)
MARY BETH: Harvey. (shaking him) Honey.
HARVEY: What?
MARY BETH: There's something I've gotta to talk to you about.
HARVEY: Honey, are you OK?
MARY BETH: Of course. It's a little strange. Harvey.
HARVEY: What?
MARY BETH: Actually it's a lot strange.
HARVEY: Will you tell me baby. And then it's not so bad?
MARY BETH: No, it is. It's about a ...a craving I have.
HARVEY: That's not strange. You want some rhubarb pie?
MARY BETH: No.
HARVEY: Yes. How about some mint chocolate with ice cream.
MARY BETH: I wanna go swimming.
HARVEY: Oh, that's not so strange.
MARY BETH: Harvey, it's the dead of winter!
HARVEY: Some people swim all the year round.
MARY BETH: Not me.
HARVEY: Maybe you need some exercise, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Honey, you'll probably think that this is strange. It would make me feel better, and I have been giving things a lot of thought and it's...strange. I wanna go swimming in the middle of winter, and honey, I wanna go alone. What do you think?
HARVEY: I'm thinking, if you wanna go alone, ...it's probably because of your present condition.
MARY BETH: Oh no!
HARVEY: Oh, Mary Beth!
MARY BETH: Oh Harvey, not that I'm self-conscious... I don't think for a pregnant lady it's so unusual.
HARVEY: Oh no, honey, I don't think you're self-conscious. You're not an unusual type, you're a pregnant lady. ...But it is a little bit strange. I just wanna know one thing. Why do you wanna go swimming solo in the middle of December?
MARY BETH: (after a long pause) I don't know.

[Police Brutality Commission]

DAVID KEELER: That means that Officer Kolou put that man in a hospital.
CHRISTINE: He was trying to stop him from beating up his eight-year old kid. The guy would not let up. Kolou has two kids of his own. What if he'd backed off and let the boy keep taking blows to the head to the point of sustaining brain damage.
BARBARA CODY: (inspecting her nails) Now that's a very emotional response, Sergeant Cagney. Don't you just think that one should use the power of words before resorting to the power of physical violence.
CHRISTINE: I think you're... (David gives a glare) Have you ever been in this kind of situation, Mrs. Cody?
BARBARA CODY: Of course not?
CHRISTINE: Well, sometimes life or death depends on instant reaction. It's a judgement call. Police are just people. (getting annoyed) Well, with this kind of hostile scrutiny going on, cops are going to become like those doctors who are afraid to come forward in an emergency for fear of being sued! Is that the kind of police protection one wants?
DAVID KEELER: Come on, Sergeant. There is a middle area here, and that is what we are trying to define!
BARBARA CODY: You're right, David. You are so right.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Chris comes in)
PETRIE: So how was Police Brutality, then?
CHRISTINE: Brutal.
NEWMAN: Cagney, I've been waiting for you.
CHRISTINE: What is it, Newman?
NEWMAN: We have a visitor.
(Alice Arakelian is sitting there hugging her cello case and crying)
CHRISTINE: Hello.
CHRISTINE: What's she doing here, Newman?
NEWMAN: Her boyfriend is missing.
CHRISTINE: We know that.
NEWMAN: No, Cagney, not the first one. The second one. The one she's never been related to.

[Samuels' office]

NEWMAN: (to Samuels) We have two musicians, dressed like Santa Claus, both missing from the same street corner in the span of four days. (to Chris is sitting listening with her head on her hand) Obviously something is very wrong here, Sergeant. Why are you so resistant about this?
CHRISTINE: Because it's hard for me to take someone who believes in reincarnation and works in elf-costume very seriously.
NEWMAN: Do you have any compassion for these people?
CHRISTINE: (getting up) What I have, Newman, is the Reisner case and I have the Lipski case...
SAMUELS: And now you've got this one too.
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant!
SAMUELS: I don't wanna hear it, Cagney! I'm making an administrative decision. The case is official and you are catching it with Newman.
CHRISTINE: (disbelievingly) Really.
(her face drops. She looks at Newman who smiles. She walks out)

[Detectives' Squad room]

PETRIE: Come on, Victor. The Uniforms are waiting for us at the Bronski Building. Let's go!
ISBECKI: (into phone) Are you sure you're busy? ..Look, check the date again. ..Look, I'm really sorry about the last time. ...I didn't know it was a religious holiday.
PETRIE: Victor!!
ISBECKI: (into phone) Yeah. ...Oh, no. Thanks. I understand. ...Bye bye. (ringing off) I should have called Francine first.

[Lou Casey's office]

(there are some gold records in frames around the wall)
LOU CASEY: They were the first four gold records that I produced for Cleo Records. Actually there was no gold in them. In reality they were worthless, other than a certain sentimental value. So I'm sorry Miss. Stone troubled you. When she came in this morning and saw they were missing from the wall, she phoned you before consulting me.
PETRIE: Well, as long as we're here, Mr. Casey, we might as well look around.
LOU CASEY: That won't be necessary. Rosetta, would you show the officers to the door? ...And come back in here, please.
ROSETTA STONE: Yes, Mr. Casey.
LOU CASEY: Gentlemen.
ROSETTA STONE: (as they are going out of the door) Officer Petrie? Has anyone ever told you that you look more like a model than a policeman?
PETRIE: Yes, ...ma'am. My wife.
ISBECKI: (to Rosetta) I was one once. ...For a trucking company brochure.

[Manhattan street]

(three street performers dressed in Arab clothes are jazzing "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" on saxophones)
CHRISTINE: Come on. let's get it over with. Now you corner the Three Wise men before they escape. And I'll check out that dangerous looking pretzel vendor over there.
NEWMAN: I do wish you'd take this case a little more seriously, Sergeant.
CHRISTINE: You're determined to let me know anything that will help me to do that, aren't you, Detective?
(the tune has changed. Newman stands in front of the trio listening. Jackson Bell comes and stands beside him)
NEWMAN: Great song, huh? "My Christmas Love".
JACKSON BELL: Oh, I always liked it.
NEWMAN: I can believe that. You're the man who wrote this song. You're Jackson Bell.
JACKSON BELL: No, I'm not.
NEWMAN: Come on, man, I took a course in blues and R & B when I was at NYU.
JACKSON BELL: Look, you've got me mixed up with someone else. ...OK, man?
NEWMAN: Sure. Whatever you say. Who needs a bunch of fans going crazy, right? Don't worry about that. I'm cool.
CHRISTINE: (coming up) Did you get anything?
NEWMAN: No, I was just waiting for them to finish. Listen, Cagney, there's someone here I'd like you to meet. (Jackson Bell has gone) It was just two minutes ago, there was this guy. He was carrying Chinese food. Jackson Bell. One of the early pioneers of rock and roll. Cagney, the man wrote this song.
CHRISTINE: Newman, I don't care if it was Gerry Lee Lewis and his baby grand. Right? I'm cold and I'd like to get this over with. Good, they're finished.

[Foyer of Bronski Building]

PETRIE: So no other offices were burglarised and nothing else was missing.
SECURITY GUARD: Not so far, and I've been in touch with all of 'em.
ISBECKI: (as three exotically dressed people walk by) I guess there's no point in asking you if you've noticed anyone unusual looking lately?
SECURITY GUARD: Music business.
ISBECKI: Right. Thanks.
PETRIE: (as Rosetta Stone leaves) Oh, Miss. Stone.
ROSETTA STONE: Just go away. You guys have caused me enough trouble already.
ISBECKI: What happened?
ROSETTA STONE: Lou Casey fired me! He said I never should have called you. And that I should have known better than to call the police!
ISBECKI: (going to her and taking out a handkerchief) Hey. You can call me anytime you want.
(she takes the handkerchief)

[Manhattan street]

PETRIE: None of this makes any sense. If the records only had sentimental value why would anybody steal them?
ISBECKI: Yeah, and why would Chi Chi pretend she's got a date? Especially when she thanked me for calling her.
(they see Cagney and Newman with the trio across the street. Newman has spotted them and alerts Chris)
CHRISTINE: (giving a little wave) What are they doing here?

[Chris's loft/Laceys' kitchen]

(Chris, with a glass of wine, is on the phone to Mary Beth who has the phone held to her ear by her shoulder while she stirs a saucepan)
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, it's like the Bermuda triangle. Things just keep vanishing. Musicians. Gold records. It depends what's flavour of the month.
MICHAEL: Mom.
(Mary Beth shushes him)
CHRISTINE: Newman, of course, is convinced they are all tied together, and we know how often he's been right.
HARVEY [OC]: Mary Beth, I'm home.
MICHAEL: Mom.
HARVEY [OC]: Let me in.
CHRISTINE: You know, it's not just this stupid case that's upsetting me. David and that ...woman on the Commission, they're driving me up the wall!
HARVEY [OC]: (shouting) Mary Beth!
MICHAEL: Mom, I wanna talk to you!
HARVEY [OC]: Mary Beth!!
MARY BETH: Chris, can I call you back?
MICHAEL: Mom.
MARY BETH: I'll call you back. OK?
MICHAEL: Yes.
MARY BETH: Bye bye.
(she rings off)
CHRISTINE: Nice talking with ya, Mary Beth.

[Laceys' lounge/kitchen]

MARY BETH: Michael, that was very rude.
MICHAEL: (as Michael follows Mary Beth to the door where Harvey is knocking) It's important. Have you looked at your Christmas gift that I made you in school?
MARY BETH: No, of course not!
HARVEY [OC]: Mary Beth, let me in.
MARY BETH: It's wrapped up in the closet where you put it.
MICHAEL: Well, don't you want to know what it is?
MARY BETH: Yes, I wanna know what it is, Michael, but I didn't wanna wreck the surprise.
HARVEY [OC]: Mary Beth!
MICHAEL: If you want, you can peek a little.
MARY BETH: All right, if that's what you want. I'll peek a little.
(she eventually opens the door and Harvey comes in with a garment on a hanger, 'gift wrapped')
HARVEY: Ta da! A bathing suit for pregnant women.
MARY BETH: Yeah? How many can you get in there?
HARVEY: Oh, have I got some good news for you. There is a church in the East 17th with a pool in the basement. And we may be able to use it during Sunday morning services.
MARY BETH: Harve, I can't.
HARVEY: Huh?
MARY BETH: How can I swim while people are praying. No.
HARVEY: Oh, wait, honey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It may be very peaceful. There'll be some nice organ music in the background.
MARY BETH: I don't like organ music, Harvey. It reminds me of skating rinks.
(she takes the bathing suit)
HARVEY: Oh. OK. OK, the church is out! There is a pool right across the bridge in a men's pub.
MARY BETH: How you gonna get two women in a men's pub?
HARVEY: Who else is coming?
MARY BETH: (touching her stomach) Well, it could be.
HARVEY: Oh. Yeah. One thing. We're gonna have to be kind of discreet.
MARY BETH: How discreet?
HARVEY: We're gonna have to sneak in. (she hands him the bathing costume back) Honey. OK. I'm sorry. It was just an idea. (Mary Beth begins to cry) Mary Beth! I am trying. I'm trying.
MICHAEL: (running in with the gift) Here you are, mom. You don't have to wait.
MARY BETH: (perking up) Are you sure?
MICHAEL: Mm.
MARY BETH: OK. (opening the gift) O... K... Oh!! Oh, Michael! (holding up a childish drawing of a face with 'Love Michael' on it) Oh, that's wonderful.
MICHAEL: I did it all by myself.
HARVEY: (ruffling Michael's hair) Hey!
MICHAEL: It's me.
MARY BETH: Yeah?!!
MICHAEL: Yes, so you don't forget what I look like when you're in hospital having the baby.
MARY BETH: That's a very smart idea. What a smart kid you are. (giving him a kiss) Smart kid.

[Locker room]

NEWMAN: The Lieutenant says, if we're gonna go under cover, we have to blend in with our surroundings.
(Chris, pulling aside the curtain, is dressed in a Father Christmas suit, with full white beard and shoes with turned up toes with bells on)
CHRISTINE: These are the wrong shoes! These are not Santa Claus shoes, these are elf shoes!
NEWMAN: (also dressed in a Father Christmas suit) I told you before, it's the busy season. They ran out of your size. Hey, I offered. But, no, you didn't wanna be Mrs. Santa Claus.
CHRISTINE: I don't play supporting roles!
(they move out, Newman lugging a small drum kit)

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: I hate this. I really hate it.
NEWMAN: Hey, I don't look it any better than you do! (looking at Chris) Well, maybe a little better.
(Newman sniggers)
CHRISTINE: To whom? Donner or Blitzen?
NEWMAN: (as go walk through with everybody watching) You see, Cagney. Do you know what your problem is? You're inappropriately competitive.
CHRISTINE: Me?! You're competitive about breathing, Newman! I can cite one-oh-one, Newman. Do you know what's wrong with you? (clearing the beard from her mouth) Arrested development. You're stuck somewhere in Junior High, probably because of your height and your lack of popularity with girls.
NEWMAN: I'll have you know, Cagney, I have no problem with women whatsoever, and there's no doubt in my mind that... I'm more of a feminist than you ever were.
CHRISTINE: (pulling down her beard) Labels are curses, Newman. I don't need them.
(Josie, the bag lady, applauds. There is general laughter and Chris stumbles over a length of computer listing paper which has become attached to her elf shoe)

[Manhattan street]

(Newman is pounding a bongo drum to rhythm from a ghetto blaster. Chris is making token movements with a tambourine)
NEWMAN: Come on, Cagney, try to assume a more positive attitude, You know. 'Ho, ho, ho'.
CHRISTINE: I am trying to be reasonable, Newman, but this is demeaning.
NEWMAN: I'll play the tambourine if you wanna play the drums.
CHRISTINE: I can't play drums!
NEWMAN: Well, play the tambourine, please.
(she starts to dance around the pavement tapping the tambourine and then spots David coming along with his arm around Barbara Cody. The rhythm stops)
CHRISTINE: (to herself) Oh, my God! (yelling to Newman) Play it again, Santa!
NEWMAN: What's the matter?
CHRISTINE: Nothing, just keep playing.
(Chris continues dancing, holding the tambourine up to her face as David and Barbara come up)
BARBARA CODY: He's so cute!
DAVID KEELER: (as Barbara goes to get some money from her handbag) Come on, Barbara, I don't like to encourage people who commercialise Christmas.
BARBARA CODY: Oh, David, you are so right.
(they go off. Chris looks after them. Newman comes up)
NEWMAN: Somebody you know?
CHRISTINE: Nobody.
NEWMAN: That woman sure knows how to dress. (Chris spins round to face him) Are you doing OK?
CHRISTINE: Yeah, fine. I'm going to lunch. (she tosses him the tambourine and walks off) Here!
NEWMAN: (shouting after her) Get me something. OK?
(Chris strides off along the pavement in the same direction as Keeler and Barbara. Newman resumes drumming when a takeaway carton drops by him from a window above. It has 'HELP' scrawled on it in red letters. Newman looks up. Chris returns with some food. The drum kit is standing on the pavement)
CHRISTINE: Newman?
(later Petrie and Isbecki are there)
CHRISTINE: Let's split it up. You guys start with a four-block area to the northwest. I'll start with the northeast.
NEWMAN [OC]: Yoo hoo! Cagney!
CHRISTINE: If you find something... (another takeaway carton lands on the pavement) Hey!
NEWMAN [OC]: Cagney!
CHRISTINE: (looking up) Hey, Newman!
(three Father Christmases are looking over a balcony. One waves)
CHRISTINE: Newman! Is that you, Newman. Where the hell you been?!

[Samuels' office]

NEWMAN: So when this carton came crashing down with the word 'Help' scrawled on it...
(Newman drops the carton on to the gold records)
SAMUELS: Sounds like I'm being held captive in a Chinese food factory.
NEWMAN: No sir, just 'Help'. It looked like blood.
CHRISTINE: Actually it's sweet and sour sauce.
NEWMAN: It all happened with a missing Santa. Do you remember those, sir. The flute player and the clarinet player.
CHRISTINE: Actually it all started with Jackson Bell.
SAMUELS: He was a Santa.
NEWMAN: No sir, he was disguised as a janitor...
CHRISTINE: ...in the Bronski Building, where the music companies are.
PETRIE: That's when Lou Casey had these gold records stolen.
SAMUELS: Lou Casey. He was a Santa.
ISBECKI: No sir. He sacked his secretary.
SAMUELS: She was a Santa!
CHRISTINE: No. See, Lieutenant, Jackson Bell took the job in the Bronski Building to get at Lou Casey who had stolen the credit and the royalties from all his music.
NEWMAN: Like "My Christmas Love" and "Ellie's Song". That was a great record.
PETRIE: (to Isbecki) Claudia and I used to dance to that.
ISBECKI: Yeah, I remember that from Senior Prom.
SAMUELS: I don't wanna know about you dancing and I don't wanna know about your Prom. I wanna know who kidnapped the Santa Clauses! Cagney, does this make any sense to you?
CHRISTINE: I'm afraid ...so, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: All right. (taking out his pocket watch) So you've got about thirty seconds to explain it. Go!
CHRISTINE: Jackson Bell was recognised by the flute-playing Santa on the corner. To prevent him from exposing his identity to anybody else who might alert Lou Casey, Bell kidnapped the flute player. Now he kidnapped the clarinet player two days later who also happened to identify him. Now Bell told the men that he had taken the gold records from Casey to blackmail Casey into publicly acknowledging his authorship. It seems like he succeeded and he wants to, if you'll pardon the expression, Lieutenant, 'Set the record straight'.
SAMUELS: Twenty-three seconds! Did you hear that Newman?! Less is more!! That is why she is a sergeant!
(Chris beams at Newman)

[Laceys' lounge/kitchen]

MARY BETH: (taking a small baby Santa suit out of a box) Oh, Chris, look at that! Is that adorable? Eh?
CHRISTINE: It's not an official Christmas present. It isn't. I just saw it and I picked it up. Why should I be the only one in a Santa suit?
MARY BETH: Oh, I'm so sorry I missed that.
(she breaks out giggling)
CHRISTINE: It is not funny, Mary Beth. What if David had recognised me! A grown-up woman does not go out with bearded women in elf shoes! (Mary Beth carries on giggling) For that matter grown-up men do not go out with ...space cadets either.
MARY BETH: Oh, Christine, I've never heard you like this.
CHRISTINE: Bitchy?
MARY BETH: Jealous.
CHRISTINE: I am not jealous, Mary Beth. I am not jealous, I'm irritated!
HARVEY: (coming in carrying two cups) Here you go, guys. Eggnog. (one to Mary Beth) Plain. (one to Chris) Fancy.
MARY BETH: Thank you, sweetheart.
CHRISTINE: Thanks, Harvey. Thank you. Hey, Harvey!
HARVEY: Yeah.
CHRISTINE: Wait a minute. You're an objective observer. I could use a male point of view on this. Let me run something by you.
HARVEY: Sure, I'd be happy to. Go ahead.
CHRISTINE: This is, Harve, 'My worthy rival theory'. Now let's just assume I'm in a non-exclusive relationship with a man, and I learn that he's going out with another woman. Somebody like, well, Mary Beth, or Mother Theresa. My reaction would be, I can handle that. They are worthy rivals. Now then, should I discover that the man is dating a major dip, that is insulting to me.
MARY BETH: Ah, now, you could drive a convoy of trucks through the holes in that theory. (looking at Harvey) Right?
HARVEY: No. Wait a minute.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) Hey, wait a sec.
HARVEY: Chris, in other words what you are saying is if the guy likes this dip, what does that make you.
CHRISTINE: Exactly!
HARVEY: Yeah, but when a woman says 'I like you but I don't wanna make a commitment' she is giving permission for him to go out with other women. (Chris's face drops) This is included. (the phone rings) Excuse me.
MARY BETH: He's right, Christine. You're the one who said you didn't wanna be exclusive with David. You can't exactly expect to pick out who he gets to go out with.
CHRISTINE: Well, it's a new theory. I don't have all the kinks worked out. I have to go.
MARY BETH: What, already?!
CHRISTINE: Yes.
MARY BETH: Oh, well, hey, thanks again for the playsuit. (clutching it to her) Christine, it's adorable.
CHRISTINE: Oh, you're welcome. I'm glad you like it. Perfect for a boy or a girl.
MARY BETH: Well, the both of us appreciate it counting Harvey, that makes three of us. Listen, Chris, do you mind if I say something here? It's obvious that you like this David. Now why don't you do something special for him? I mean after all the time we've been together, Harvey and I, still like to surprise each other.
CHRISTINE: You mean I should wear a dress padded with a plastic bag and wait at the door.
MARY BETH: Christine, I'm serious! Surprises are nice. And take it from a woman who's been married sixteen years. Call it 'My surprises are nice theory'.
CHRISTINE: I'll think about it.
MARY BETH: (opening the door) OK. Take it slow.
CHRISTINE: Good night.
HARVEY: (taking Mary Beth's hand) Come here! Come here. Get into this bathing suit. The kids will do the dishes.
MARY BETH: You've found a pool?
HARVEY: Yeah. That was Mario. Do you remember Mario? He used to work with me.
MARY BETH: Yes.
HARVEY: Well, he's now night watchman at the Ashford Towers. That new co-op. Well, it's still almost empty. And for a hundred bucks we can have the swimming pool, the indoor one, tonight!
MARY BETH: Oh, Harve! (she kisses him) Oh you're a generous, (she kisses him again) wonderful man. I can't let you spend a hundred dollars on something like this.
HARVEY: Mary Beth, I want to.
MARY BETH: No, Harvey, we have a baby coming. We have a doctor's bill (kissing again) and we have Christmas ...and everything. (kissing him again) I couldn't enjoy it, Harve, and I love you. And I thank you ...and I'm sorry. I can't.
HARVEY: You're very difficult, Mary Beth. Very difficult.
MARY BETH: (going off with the bathing suit) I've gotta take a bath.

[David Keeler's apartment]

(Chris arrives outside with a bag of groceries, including French bread and a bottle of wine, and knocks. David opens the door)
CHRISTINE: Hey!
DAVID KEELER: (in his dressing gown) Chris.
CHRISTINE: You said you were working late tonight. So I thought you might be hungry.
DAVID KEELER: Well, Chris, I'd would invite you in, but it's kind of a bad time.
CHRISTINE: Time has never stopped us before.
BARBARA CODY: Oh David, (she comes to the door with his shirt on) do you have any mineral water?
DAVID KEELER: Chris, I'm sorry.
CHRISTINE: (imitating Barbara) No, David, doesn't have any mineral water? (taking the wine bottle out of the bag) He does have an eighty-one Bordeaux. Full-bodied! (reverting to her own voice) And mildly amusing. Forgive me if I don't pour.
(she throws the bag into his arms)

[Chris's loft]

(Chris comes in and there are messages on the answer-phone)
CHRISTINE: No need to apologise, David. We're both two mature, intelligent adults. (she punches the delete button) Who'll never have to see each other again!
(she punches the play button)
NEWMAN: (on answer-phone) Sergeant, this is Newman.
CHRISTINE: Newman?
NEWMAN: (on answer-phone) I am the The Blues Joint on 149th Street. Jackson Bell used to play here in the old days. Get up here as soon as you can. I got a hot lead.
CHRISTINE: (looking at her watch) It's just turned eleven o'clock.
NEWMAN: (on answer-phone) I don't care what time it is. It's so good, you wont be sorry.

[The Blues Joint]

(Ellie Hendricks is singing)
ELLIE HENDRICKS: 'I can't buy you diamonds, or shiny limousines. I can't make all fancy dreams come true. And my gift it may be simple, but it's the best that I can do. To sing this Christmas song for you. (Chris walks in and sees Newman) The winter snow is falling, and when the wind blows strong...'
NEWMAN: What took you so long?
CHRISTINE: This better be good, Newman. (to a waiter) Ah! Scotch, please. Rocks.
NEWMAN: After you left the Squad room, I called Rosetta Stone on the chance she might know something about Jackson Bell. She had no idea he was working at the Bronski Building.
CHRISTINE: Are you getting to your point?
NEWMAN: Rosetta did know something else though. A long time ago when Bell wrote the songs that Casey stole, he was in love with a woman named Ellie Hendricks.
(Newman looks towards the stage)
ELLIE HENDRICKS: 'I know that you don't care about champagne...'
NEWMAN: Hendricks is just a professional name. She hasn't used it in years. All that time she was known as Elliot Casey.
ELLIE HENDRICKS: 'But someday...'
CHRISTINE: She's married to Lou Casey?
NEWMAN: Rosetta said they separated about a month ago. Twenty years ago Casey stole Bell's music ...and his woman. There's your motive right there, Cagney.
ELLIE HENDRICKS: 'But till the day when my ship comes in, and I can dress you up in furs, I'll wrap you up in promises and dreams. I'm gonna warm you like a winter fire, that glows the whole night through, and sing a Christmas song for you ...ouuu, baby. And sing this Christmas song for youuuuuu. ...annnd...'.
NEWMAN: She said she hadn't seen Jackson Bell since she got married.
ELLIE HENDRICKS: '...for youuu'.
NEWMAN: (as Chris claps) If she hasn't seen Jackson Bell in twenty years, I'll eat my shoes.

[Corridor outside Chris's loft]

CHRISTINE: (in a merry mood) OK! One ...more ...time!
CHRISTINE/NEWMAN: (singing) 'Sleep in heavenly peace. Sleep in ...
(Chris sees David standing outside her door)
NEWMAN: ...heavenly...
CHRISTINE: What the hell are you doing here?!

[Chris's loft]

CHRISTINE: (coming in with the two men) What's the matter?! She didn't like the Bordeaux?!
DAVID KEELER: I'm pleased that are angry.
CHRISTINE: I'm not angry!! I just didn't wanna disturb your work.
NEWMAN: I think I should better go.
CHRISTINE: Not a chance!! I wanna talk about the case!!
DAVID KEELER: What's he doing here?
CHRISTINE: He's my partner!
NEWMAN: (holding out his hand) I'm Detective Jonah Newman.
DAVID KEELER: Your partner's pregnant!
CHRISTINE: Well, not this one!!!
(the phone starts ringing)
NEWMAN: I really think I should go.
DAVID KEELER: (pulling Newman back) Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm leaving first. I don't wanna break up what looks like a really good time.
CHRISTINE: We weren't having a really good time!!
NEWMAN: I was.
CHRISTINE: We were working!
DAVID KEELER: I came over here because I thought you'd be upset. But I see you didn't waste much time finding backup!
NEWMAN: (about the ringing phone) Do you want me to get that?
CHRISTINE: (to Newman) Yeah. (to David) Well, what's your excuse?!!
DAVID KEELER: You made up the rules, Sergeant. You don't wanna deal with them, (Newman holds out the phone to Chris) Maybe you should get out of the game.
(Newman talks to the caller)
CHRISTINE: Fine! Fine! (as David goes towards the door which she throws open for him) I'm so glad we had this chat!
NEWMAN: That was Charlie. He's gonna call back later.
DAVID KEELER: Charlie, as in 'Good Time'?
CHRISTINE: No, Charlie as in father.
DAVID KEELER: What would a priest be doing calling you at twelve-thirty in the morning?
CHRISTINE: My father!
DAVID KEELER: (turning back as he goes to leave) Do you know what your problem is? You can't make up your mind what kind of a relationship you want.
CHRISTINE: Well, how about a non-relationship?! (she slams the door after him) Just when you think that things can only get worse, they do. (Newman has his coat half off) Good night, Newman.
NEWMAN: (having taken his coat off he puts his hand on her shoulder) Look at it this way, Chris, it's pretty funny that he'd be jealous of me. ...Good night, Cagney.

[Detectives' Squad room]

NEWMAN: (as Chris comes in and signs in) How ya doing?
CHRISTINE: Me? Sitting on a rainbow.
NEWMAN: When are we gonna go and see Ellie Hendricks?
CHRISTINE: She's gonna sleep till noon. I've got a couple of files.
NEWMAN: Would you like a cup of coffee?
CHRISTINE: Yes, that would be very nice. Thank you, Newman.
(in picking up some files a couple spill on the floor. He puts a cup on her desk)
NEWMAN: Good, because I've taken the liberty of pouring you a cup. (picking up the files) Here, let me help you.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, Newman. (he sits beside her desk) What grates, Newman,... How can you have a sane relationship with a man who an attorney?
NEWMAN: I don't think you can, Cagney, but to try and sort it out...
SAMUELS: (coming out of his office) Cagney! What's the story on the Delou evidence.
CHRISTINE: The lab report'll be here this afternoon, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: OK. Send the report in to me as soon as it comes in.
CHRISTINE: You got it, Lieutenant. (sitting down) I'm sorry, Newman, you were saying?
NEWMAN: Yes!
CHRISTINE: You know what burns me? The Big Brothers dinner.
NEWMAN: As a matter of fact, Cagney, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.
CHRISTINE: Actually you can do me a favour. ...Be my date. (Newman looks astounded) Who needs David Keeler anyway? Right? I have plenty of things I can do if he doesn't show up tonight. I've got dressed crab and eggs for nog. Things that do not require the services of an attorney.
NEWMAN: Well, you could go with someone else.
ISBECKI: (shouting out and striding towards them) All right!!! She said 'Yes'. She's gonna go to the dance with me. I can't believe it. Rosetta Stone. I've never known a woman as beautiful. I've got the feeling, you know, I've heard the name somewhere before. Petrie! (running off) Where's Petrie?! Marcus!!! Petrie!!
NEWMAN: Speaking of asking.
COLEMAN: Cagney! Newman! You've got a visitor.
ELLIE HENDRICKS: Detective. I lied to you last night. I have seen Jackson Bell. He's been hiding in my dressing room. And he also stole a financial book from Cleo Records and they show how Lou has been cheating on his income tax all of these years.
NEWMAN: Of course. He only took the gold records to let Casey know who it was.
ELLIE HENDRICKS: And now he's gone to the record company to see Lou and I'm afraid they're liable to kill each other.

(the Squad car, siren blaring, goes to the record company)

[Outside the Bronski Building]

(Bell, with a gun pointing at Casey's feet, who is singing and dancing on three gold records, are in front of a crowd. There is a TV camera there)
CHRISTINE: (arriving through the crowd) Police! Out of the way! Police. Out of the way.
LOU CASEY: (with a placard round his neck which reads 'Jackson Bell wrote it. Lou Casey stole it') Stop him! He's crazy.
CHRISTINE: Put the gun down!
JACKSON BELL: There ain't nobody gonna get hurt.
CHRISTINE: Not if you put the gun down.
JACKSON BELL: Let the man sing my songs for the TV folks, and I'll turn myself in. (to Casey) Keep dancing!
CHRISTINE: The only person you're hurting is yourself.
JACKSON BELL: No, Ma'am! I'm stronger than I've ever been. It took me twenty years to get angered up to stand up for myself! Anyway, I'm gonna make a deal with Lou Casey. They can put my name on the gold records! That's all. And if he pulls it again on me...
NEWMAN: What about the book, Jackson. The book!
JACKSON BELL: I want the fancy dance. That's all. Ha, ha, ha.
LOU CASEY: '...this Christmas song' Are you satisfied?!
CHRISTINE: Mr. Bell, please.
JACKSON BELL: You done good, Lou. (to the TV cameraman) Did you get all that?
CAMERAMAN: You bet, Mr. Bell.
CHRISTINE: Put the gun down now, Mr. Bell, please.
(he puts the gun down and Ellie rushes to embrace him)
JACKSON BELL: I did what I had to do, baby.
CHRISTINE: Mr. Bell, you have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything...
JACKSON BELL: (still embracing Ellie. Newman is trying to separate them) Oh, baby. It's gonna be all right. I did what I had to.
CHRISTINE: Excuse me, Mrs. Casey, would you just step away a moment.
NEWMAN: This is a really weird time to say this, Mr. Bell, but I really love your music and it's an honour to meet you.
JACKSON BELL: Ha, ha, ha. Man, it ain't never a wrong time to hear that.

[Chris's loft]

(she is packing presents and listening to 'A Christmas Song'. As she puts them by the Christmas tree there is a knock at the door. She looks through the peephole and opens the door)
CHRISTINE: Hi, what are you doing here?
(David is standing there in a tuxedo)
DAVID KEELER: What ever happened to 'You look nice'?
CHRISTINE: You look nice. Come on in.
DAVID KEELER: Don't tell me I got the wrong night? (Chris shakes her head) Too early?
CHRISTINE: To tell the truth, I wasn't expecting you.
DAVID KEELER: Do I look like the kind of man that would miss a Christmas benefit with a bunch of cops?
CHRISTINE: Ah ha.
DAVID KEELER: Oh well, maybe I do. But do I look like the kind of man that would miss a night out with you?
CHRISTINE: I wasn't sure.
DAVID KEELER: (coming up close) I was. (they kiss) How long before you're ready?
CHRISTINE: Thirty minutes if you leave me alone.
DAVID KEELER: Twenty if you leave off the beard? (Chris looks round, shocked) Although I liked the elf shoes. They were a nice pair of shoes.
(he gives her a peck)

[Ashford Towers swimming pool]

(Mary Beth in the bathing costume is swimming. Harvey is sitting watching and nodding knowingly. He climbs down into the pool fully clothed and wades towards Mary Beth. They kiss)

[Manhattan street outside Chris's loft]

(Chris in an evening dress and David come out. It is snowing)
CHRISTINE: The DA thinks he'll be let off on probation. (about the snow) Look.
DAVID KEELER: (as they get into a cab) That's good to hear. You know, I used to dance to Jackson Bell's music in High School. The really slow dances.
CHRISTINE: Oh yeah. I like a slow dance.
DAVID KEELER: (giving her a peck) Good.
(they get in the cab and as it drives off, they kiss again. Newman, in a tuxedo and holding a corsage, who has come round the corner, sees them leave. He smells the flower, throws it away and wanders off)

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