Lottery
Original Airdate: October 28, 1985

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (looking through the contents of an envelope) Oh, this is awful, Christine. It wasn't just the one charity. I had a whole lot of receipts in here.
CHRISTINE: I told you not to do your own taxes. Now wonder you're being audited.
MARY BETH: Thank you, Christine.
CHRISTINE: I never, ever, do my own taxes.
MARY BETH: Well, you have a man who does it. (Isbecki has come up) Yes Victor.
ISBECKI: You're getting audited, huh? No kidding?
MARY BETH: No kidding.
ISBECKI: By the IRS?
CHRISTINE: No Victor, they're being audited by the Department of Agriculture.
ISBECKI: Ha. Hey, Cagney, I've got a question for you. If you could have any dog you wanted, what kind of a dog would you pick?
CHRISTINE: (looking at Mary Beth) It's a trick question.
ISBECKI: No, really, the annual dog show at The Garden opens this week.
CHRISTINE: Victor, you've never been interested in dog shows.
ISBECKI: Sometimes I like dogs.
CHRISTINE: What is this? One of those personality tests out of your magazines. You ask me what kind of dog I like and I say 'the one in the picture' and you say 'Hey, guys, Cagney's just got a dog in the picture!'.
ISBECKI: No, no, it's really just for me. (following him as he walks past) Hey, Coleman, Cagney's just got a dog in the picture!
(Coleman laughs)
CHRISTINE: Anyway, what happened to your taxman.
MARY BETH: He got off probation. Moved to South Carolina.
CHRISTINE: Off probation?! He was an ex-con doing your taxes!
MARY BETH: He was a very good worker, Christine. We never got audited before. Harvey's very worried.
SAMUELS: (coming up) Cagney. Lacey.
MARY BETH: Good morning, sir.
SAMUELS: Huh?
MARY BETH: Good morning.
SAMUELS: Oh yes. Good morning. Listen you two are up. I just took a call about a crime at the Lottery Office. It's a Mrs. Burnside.
CHRISTINE: What kind of crime?
SAMUELS: She said she would explain to the detectives when they get there. Well, get there!
MARY BETH: Yes sir.

[Sharon Burnside's office]

SHARON BURNSIDE: Lotteries are held all over the country, all over the world. Why does this have to happen to me?! Texas State Lottery didn't have this problem.
CHRISTINE: Now, what exactly is it that happened, Mrs. Burnside?
SHARON BURNSIDE: Well, this particular lottery was drawn almost one full year ago and two winners were paid already. Two million apiece. We put out a newssheet. The time limit is almost up. (pointing out the window into the main office) And now these two men are each presenting a winning ticket.
MARY BETH: So, good for them. Right? They both get two million dollars.
SHARON BURNSIDE: The problem is that there were only three winning tickets printed. One of those two men out there is attempting to perpetrate a fraud.
(one the men, Al Phelps, sees Chris looking at them and raises his hand and waves with his fingers. Chris responds in kind. Later the other man, Bill Carstairs, is in a side office with Mary Beth)

[Second side office]

CHRISTINE: (inviting Al Phelps in) Have a seat.

[First side office]

BILL CARSTAIRS: So after Charlene died , I had to sell everything in order to pay the doctors. Then I moved into the project. Not a nice neighbourhood.
MARY BETH: I see, sir, and you purchased this ticket at your local newsstand.
BILL CARSTAIRS: Yeah, I must have. Doesn't it say on the ticket? Isn't there a special code or something?
MARY BETH: Er, I don't know, but if there is we'll check on that too.

[Second side office]

CHRISTINE: Now, you say you got this ticket as a gift.
AL PHELPS: Oh, yeah, it's a funny story. You see, this bar that I work in, The Glide-In. They're sort of a mixed bunch. So this guy, his name is Tommy, he comes in a few months back, he has a couple of belts, and then he reaches in his pocket to give me the tip. Well, we think he's fly bust you see.
CHRISTINE: As you said.
AL PHELPS: So he had this old lottery ticket, all gummy and wrinkled up. He forgot he'd even had it, so he gives it to me as a tip. Was I sore? So I got it framed and hung it over the bar. (pointing to the caption in the frame) 'The worst tip I ever got'. Ha. Can you beat that?
CHRISTINE: Ha, ha, ha. No, it's good.
AL PHELPS: Yeah!

[First side office]

BILL CARSTAIRS: There's nothing wrong, is there, Officer? I do get the money, don't I?
MARY BETH: Oh, yes sir. When it's due, you get paid. But we have to clear up a few things, sir. Now you had this ticket all along and you didn't know it?
BILL CARSTAIRS: It's lucky I never throw anything away.

[Second side office]

CHRISTINE: Tommy? Do you remember his last name?
AL PHELPS: Listen, at The Glide-In, if you ask a guy his last name, he don't come back. Ha, ha, ha.
CHRISTINE: OK. (writing) No last name.

[First side office]

MARY BETH: And you missed the draw on TV?
BILL CARSTAIRS: I don't have a TV. There was one down at the Seniors Club but I didn't get down there for the draw.
MARY BETH: Ah ha. What about the newspaper?
BILL CARSTAIRS: Well, I had to let my subscription run out. It was too much money. And I don't even have any friends and family to tell me. That is the number, isn't it?
MARY BETH: Oh yes, sir, it's the right number.
BILL CARSTAIRS: Oh boy! You know, I always managed to get by, you know, but after forty years in the US Postal Service, I always thought that would be enough. For my pension, you know. ...My insurance.
MARY BETH: Sir, um, forgive me for asking this. But I was wondering, if you have so little money, sir, how is it that you can afford to buy all these lottery tickets?
BILL CARSTAIRS: Oh, it's probably foolish I know, but ...an old man's got to have a dream.
MARY BETH: Yes sir.

[Sharon Burnside's office]

SHARON BURNSIDE: Oh, why does this have to happen to me? I'm not a bad person. What have I done to deserve this?
MARY BETH: It'll work out, Mrs. Burnside. Now let me ask you something. Don't these tickets have a magnetic strip on them, like a credit card? ...To prevent forgeries.
SHARON BURNSIDE: No, that was the old lottery. The new one just has a computer code number. (turning to Chris) That's why this is such a mess!
CHRISTINE: Wait, wait, why can't the tickets be verified on the computer?
SHARON BURNSIDE: Because the computer dumped the coding data.
MARY BETH: I beg your pardon.
SHARON BURNSIDE: Dumped! Erased! It happened about ten months ago. I don't know. It was a freak accident. It hasn't happened again. I mean, it was an accident. But do you think that they will remember that. Oh no. It will be my lottery so it will be my mistake. There goes my chance for a seat on the Racing and Wagering Board.
CHRISTINE: The lab will pick up on the forgery.
SHARON BURNSIDE: What do I tell the newspapers? What do I tell the Board? It's not my fault!
MARY BETH: Of course not.

[Precinct House yard]

(the duo arrives back in the Squad car)
CHRISTINE: All right, fair play my guy makes your guy look like a weasel.
MARY BETH: My guy is a sweet old postman. My money's on your guy.
CHRISTINE: My guy? How much?
MARY BETH: I don't bet, Christine.
CHRISTINE: You said you money was on my guy. How much?! Twenty bucks?
MARY BETH: Twenty dollars! No.
CHRISTINE: Ten? Five?
MARY BETH: Five bucks.
CHRISTINE: Five bucks, that your guy did it.
MARY BETH: My guy is a senior citizen, living on a government pension. Your guy works in a bar.
CHRISTINE: Oh, he works in a bar, so let's lock him up. Five bucks, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: All right, Christine. (offering her hand) Five dollars says it was your guy.
CHRISTINE: Done. ...it was your guy.
MARY BETH: It was not my guy!
CHRISTINE: Five bucks.
MARY BETH: Oh, why am I calling him 'my guy'? He is not my guy. (following Chris in) He is not my guy!

[Laceys' kitchen]

HARVEY: (looking through a pile of papers) Do you know where it is? Oh dear, Mary Beth, you're gonna kill us!
MARY BETH: (sitting at the table which is covered in papers) Harvey, will you calm down? It's not as if we're big-time tax evaders.
HARVEY: You don't understand, Mary Beth, these guys, they're killers. They are trained to spot the tiniest little mistake, and once they do, that is it!
MARY BETH: What is this?
HARVEY: What is what?! (she gives him a document) A movable water space heater. A job that's... (he lets out an anguished cry) No!!! We used that room for poker on Friday nights.
MARY BETH: So?
HARVEY: So. Don't you see? I mean the rest of the time it was strictly for business. I mean if they disallow the deduction it's a fine!
MARY BETH: Why would they do that, Harvey?
HARVEY: Why? The reward, Mary Beth. The reward! That's how they operate. I'm telling you, these guys dive for the throat.
MARY BETH: Sweetheart, you seem to be getting a little crazy here.
HARVEY: This could be a penalty for five or six hundred dollars (banging the document) right there! Oh, one more thing. When we're there tomorrow, do not put your hand on the chair arm.
MARY BETH: Why not?
HARVEY: Because they have little sensors in them to measure your skin response to see whether you're lying or not? That's what they do, Mary Beth. I heard it.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Joey Newman, with a trilby on, is sitting at Chris's desk on the telephone with his feet up and fiddling around in the middle drawer. Chris comes in)
CHRISTINE: (shouting to nobody in particular) Can somebody deal with these perps around here. (to Newman) What the hell are you doing?
NEWMAN: I'm on the phone.
CHRISTINE: Hey, I'm talking to you!
NEWMAN: No, you're shouting.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I do that when people rifle through my desk. (he puts the phone down) Now stand up. Who's your arresting officer?
NEWMAN: How about you? You're pretty arresting.
CHRISTINE: Oh, a comic too. And remove the hat! (she grabs the trilby and throws it on her desk) ...And stand up!
NEWMAN: Say 'pretty please'.
CHRISTINE: (grabbing him by the lapels and standing him up) If there is one item missing from my desk, you are dead meat.
NEWMAN: You can search me and find out. How about...
CHRISTINE: Isbecki! Do you wanna put a leash on this one?
ISBECKI: Who is he?
CHRISTINE: I thought he was your perp.
NEWMAN: Maybe I should introduce myself. I'm Joey Newman, Detective, Third-grade.
CHRISTINE: Detective, Third-grade?! You look like you're in the third grade.
NEWMAN: And who are you?
CHRISTINE: Sergeant Cagney. Hey, what were you doing, going through my desk? What? Do always make yourself at home in other people's Squad rooms?
NEWMAN: This is home, Sergeant. I was just assigned to the Fourteenth. It seems I am the new kid on the block.
CHRISTINE: Lucky, aren't we? A detective who can't even find his desk. (to Isbecki) Take him over to Coleman.
NEWMAN: (to Isbecki) Is she always like that?
ISBECKI: Nah. Some days she can be really feisty.
CHRISTINE: (flinging the trilby to him) Hey, kid!
MARY BETH: (coming in and standing showing her outfit) Sorry, Chris, I'm late.
CHRISTINE: What?
MARY BETH: I have to meet Harvey at the Federal Building, ten fifty-five (giving a twirl) and I'm not sure about this stuff.
CHRISTINE: What's wrong with it? You look very nice.
MARY BETH: Oh. Maybe I should have worn something older, so they wouldn't think I'm some kind of a clotheshorse.
CHRISTINE: Gloves?
MARY BETH: Oh, well Harvey heard from this fella... Don't ask.
CHRISTINE: Harvey's really got you spooked about this audit.
MARY BETH: So, what are you doing?
CHRISTINE: I've got the lab report on the lottery tickets. 'Findings negative. Both exhibits fall within normal parameters for fibre and ink content. Negative check for forgery indicators.' So much for an open-and-shut case.
MARY BETH: What about the case files on Messers Phelps and Carstairs? (Chris hands her one) Oh, there's nothing on Mr. Carstairs but a couple of parking tickets.
(Chris flips Phelps file shut and puts it down)
MARY BETH: What are you doing?
CHRISTINE: (taking a five dollar bill out her handbag and giving it to Mary Beth) Remind me not to bet again.
MARY BETH: (taking Phelps file even though Chris tries to stop her and looking at it) Oh, what do you know?! Your guy turns out to be a convicted confidence man.

[Inside The Glide-In bar]

CHRISTINE: How come you forgot to mention the three-to-five you did at Dannemora.
AL PHELPS: Yeah OK, I served a little time. So did John Mitchell!
CHRISTINE: A little time. (referring to his file) Summary probation in nineteen sixty-nine. Two counts of fraud in nineteen seventy. Six bunko arrests for various confidence tricks in nineteen seventy-one. Eight months in Mentor and then of course there was the long stretch for trying to play the big con.
AL PHELPS: I never was cut out for the con. My bad circulation has its drawbacks. I've been clean for fifteen years now.
(a customer comes in)
CUSTOMER: Hey, Big Al, Scotch-neat.
AL PHELPS: At this hour?! Have you had breakfast? Do you know what that does to your stomach?
CUSTOMER: You're right. Scotch-milk.
CHRISTINE: Oh Al, I'm afraid we'll have to take you in. I'm sorry.
AL PHELPS: Come on. I'm telling you the truth. This guy, Tommy, gave me the ticket as a tip.
MARY BETH: Oh yeah. The famous Tommy who doesn't happen to be around to back up your story.
AL PHEPLS: Please don't do this to me. I've got twenty percent of this place. It took me a lot of years of going straight to do it. But now I get my lucky break. I'm on the square, you've gotta believe me.
CHRISTINE: Go ahead, make his drink.
AL PHELPS: Nice.
MARY BETH: (to Chris) What are you doing?
CHRISTINE: I think he's telling the truth. I know when somebody's lying.
MARY BETH: And I don't?
CHRISTINE: I've just decided we don't have enough to take him in.
MARY BETH: You are so tough, Christine.
CHRISTINE: (as they leave) Besides I've got five bucks on it.

[Federal Building office]

BITTENBENDER: (looking at their tax return) Just these two dependents?
MARY BETH: Until next year.
HARVEY: Next year we're having another dependent.
MARY BETH: Baby.
BITTENBENDER: Oh, that's very nice. I envy you. Doesn't look like I'm ever gonna get married, ...and have kids. Nobody wants to date an Internal Revenue Inspector. (Mary Beth mouths 'Oh') ...No, I mean it. This is a horrible job. People hate coming here.
HARVEY: Not us. We've got nothing to hide.
BITTENBENDER: Oh, now be honest, weren't you just dreading coming in here?
HARVEY: No, no. I mean it's our civic duty. (looking at Mary Beth) Right?
BITTENBENDER: My mother wanted me to be a dentist, but I couldn't ...couldn't stand the thought of hurting people. So I got a degree in accounting and I applied to the government for a nice secure desk job, and they put me here. You know those people who were in here just before you. They were sitting right there. Do you know what they said to me?
MARY BETH: What's that, sir?
BITTENBEDER: They told me... They said it was just like pulling teeth. Isn't that something? Irony.
MARY BETH: Well, it's been pretty painless for us.
HARVEY: So far.
BITTENBENDER: Now! Let's... (he looks back at the tax return) Oh! Mrs. Lacey is a police detective. That's a very interesting job. People like policemen.
MARY BETH: Criminals don't like us. Ha, ha.
BITTENBENDER: No, I guess not. Ha, ha, ha, ha. They may dread meeting you as much as people dread meeting me. Ha.
HARVEY: I'm in the construction business.
BITTENBENDER: Oh, that's a very interesting job. Lots of places to take deductions with that job. You can hide all kinds of expenses and there's almost no way to verify the cost.
HARVEY: No, no, Mr. Bittenberger,...
MARY BETH: Bender.
HARVEY: Bender.
BITTENBENDER: (to Mary Beth) Thank you.
HARVEY: I thought I had all those receipts. I mean, I really wanted to pay every penny I owe to the government.
BITTENBENDER: Well, you don't wanna pay any more than you owe, do you?
HARVEY: I don't mind. (Mary Beth gives him a glare) No, no, I mean...
(Harvey throws his hands up in surrender. Mary Beth pulls one hand down and he grasps hers with his other. The phone goes)
BITTENBENDER: (into phone) Bittenbender.

[Federal Building foyer]

MARY BETH: (coming out of the lift) He was very nice, Harvey.
HARVEY: That was an act, Mary Beth. This is just the first interview. Wait until the next time. That's when we see the teeth.
MARY BETH: He didn't say anything about another interview.
HARVEY: Does the matador tell the bull about the sword? (Mary Beth looks back spotting something) What's the matter?
(she goes over to a room directory for government departments on the wall. One department is US POSTAL SERVICE)
HARVEY: What?
MARY BETH: Come on. I've gotta go to the post office.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Isbecki is looking at a large poster of dog breeds)
COLEMAN: I was thinking of getting Betty a dog. She likes the shaggy bath mat kind.
ISBECKI: Oh, those are OK.
COLEMAN: (looking at book he is holding) Annual Canine Classic. Hey, maybe I'll go with you!
ISBECKI: No, you'll probably be bored.
COLEMAN: No, I love dogs. Really!
ISBECKI: Let me explain it to you another way, Coleman. If you wanna go, go. But I am going alone. That way I can leave whenever and with whoever I want. Got it?
COLEMAN: Oh, I get it. You're afraid maybe I'm gonna cramp your style, is that it?
ISBECKI: I don't cramp, Coleman. See you.
CHRISTINE: Why is your partner going to dog shows all of a sudden?
PETRIE: He says dog shows are the place to meet a better rate of detection. That was a direct quote.
MARY BETH: (coming in as Petrie goes off) Marcus. (giving Chris her five dollars back) You won. (and giving her another five) An engraver.
CHRISTINE: Your tax accountant's an engraver?
MARY BETH: What? No. My guy.
CHRISTINE: Wait a minute! What guy?
MARY BETH: We were at the Federal Building. And I saw this sign for the Personnel Department. Old Mr. Carstairs is retired from the Postal Service all right. But what he actually did was, he's a master engraver.
CHRISTINE: You're kidding.
MARY BETH: No. He's even kind of famous there. He was really good. He did this one stamp that's a bird, and it was so real that it seems to turn its head and looks at you wherever you go. They've got it there in a case. It's really kind of creepy.
CHRISTINE: (holding up the bills) Does that mean that I won?
MARY BETH: Yeah, well we've been looking for someone who could forge a lottery ticket so well the lottery guys themselves couldn't spot the forgery. Right?
CHRISTINE: Nice. (waving the bills) Real nice.
(her phone goes)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Sergeant Cagney, Fourteenth. ...What? ...Wait a minute, will you slow down a minute. ...Who. ...The ticket's locked up. ...Who's gotta gun? ...Wait! ...Hello! Hello. He hung up.
MARY BETH: Who?!
CHRISTINE: My guy! Let's go.

[Outside The Glide-In bar]

(the 'Scotch' customer comes out. A SWAT officer is hiding outside the door)
SERGEANT CODLOW {OC]: (into walkie-talkie) OK. He's coming out.
(the SWAT officer grabs the customer and rushes him away from the door)
SERGEANT CODLOW {OC]: (into walkie-talkie) He's clear! Get in! Go!
(SWAT officers move into position. The duo with other SWAT officers and patrol cars are all lined up facing the door)
SERGEANT CODLOW: (into walkie-talkie) Roger. the last customer's out. (to Chris) He let the customers go but he said the bartender's staying. He's gotta gun and he's gonna kill Phelps if he doesn't pay up.
CHRISTINE: His name is Tommy. He gave Phelps a two million dollar lottery ticket as a tip.
SERGEANT CODLOW: I'll tell him you're coming in. (into walkie-talkie) We've got detectives coming in. Watch the windows. (into bullhorn) OK, Tommy.

[Inside The Glide-In bar]

(Tommy Van Dusen is holding Phelps across the bar pointing a gun at him)
SERGEANT CODLOW {OC]: (on bullhorn) That's your name, isn't it, Tommy? The ladies are here.

[Outside The Glide-In bar]

(the duo come up from behind a patrol car with their hands in the air)
SERGEANT CODLOW: (into bullhorn) They're coming in ...now. (as the duo moves towards the door) Now stay calm in there and it'll come out OK. ...No trouble. ...Just stay calm in there. ...All right. We just wanna work this out. No trouble. Stay calm in there, Tommy. Right. Stay cool.

[Inside The Glide-In bar]

(the duo comes in)
TOMMY VAN DUSEN: Got the ticket?
CHRISTINE: The ticket's not much good to you this way, is it, Tommy?
TOMMY VAN DUSEN: (to Phelps) You said they had the ticket!
AL PHELPS: They do. Now, let's just keep calm, pal.
MARY BETH: I'm Mary Beth Lacey, Mr. ...
TOMMY VAN DUSEN: Van Dusen. Everybody calls me Tommy. It's my ticket! I bought it and I gave it to him in lieu of a tip. It's only fair I should get half. He owes me!
CHRISTINE: Tommy. What happens now?
TOMMY VAN DUSEN: (moving away from Phelps) Well, ...I get the ticket. See? And then I'll tear it in half and then we'll have to cooperate.
(Phelps brings out a softball bat from under the bar and fells Van Dusen)
AL PHELPS: Cooperate with that!

[Outside The Glide-In bar]

(as Van Dusen is brought out the duo are removing their bullet-proof vests)
CHRISTINE: I seemed to have pretty good cooperation for my guy's story.
MARY BETH: I only gave you five bucks, Christine. And how do we know it wasn't a put up job?
CHRISTINE: Tommy's just had his head split open.
MARY BETH: Two million dollars buys a lot of tickets.
CHRISTINE: Don't be a sore loser, Mary Beth, we both know it was your guy.

[Carstairs apartment]

(he is sitting holding a red cocker spaniel)
BILL CARSTAIRS: It's not fair. (indicating the dog) Who's gonna look after him?
MARY BETH: Maybe you should have thought of that before, Mr. Carstairs.
BILL CARSTAIRS: I don't understand what all the fuss is about.
CHRISTINE: Well, you did try and defraud the lottery out of two million dollars.
BILL CARSTAIRS: I just made the ticket. I didn't get any money.
MARY BETH: I'm afraid you're missing the point, sir.
BILL CARSTAIRS: Where's the harm? (the dog whimpers) No, no, not now, Maxie. Be still. All right. All right. Just... (to the duo) The money was just sitting there. I didn't even get at it.
CHRISTINE: (getting up) Well, I think we're gonna have to go downtown, Mr. Carstairs.
BILL CARSTAIRS: But who's gonna take care of Maxie?

[Sharon Burnside's office]

MARY BETH: Good afternoon, Mrs. Burnside.
SHARON BURNSIDE: Well that was pretty quick.
MARY BETH: Quick, ma'am?
SHARON BURNSIDE: Well, I've just this minute put down the phone from calling your office. Didn't they reach you?
CHRISTINE: No, they didn't. Is there a problem?
SHARON BURNSIDE: (pointing out the window into the main office) Do you see that man? Just when I think there's nothing else that can go wrong, he walks in with this. Another winning ticket. (the man raises his hand. Mary Beth raises hers. The man raises a finger. Chris raises a finger)

[Laceys' kitchen]

(they are washing up)
MARY BETH: His name is Hank Stevens and Harve, you wouldn't believe it, even the hospital staff call him Hard Luck Hank.
HARVEY: Wait a minute. What is so tough about winning the lottery?
MARY BETH: No, honey, here's a guy that leaves his lawyer to draw up a settlement when filing for divorce and buys himself a lottery ticket to cheer himself up and as he's walking away from the newsstand, gets hit by a cross town bus and winds up for three months in a coma. (Harvey laughs) Oh, that's not funny, Harvey.
HARVEY: Did you check all this out?
MARY BETH: Yeah. It happened just the way he said. The seller remembered him because of the ambulances. Now he's a witness. And the inventory of his property at the hospital shows the lottery ticket.
HARVEY: OK, so at least he is in the clear. Am I right?
MARY BETH: Well, yeah, but somebody else still forged a ticket.
HARVEY: Did you eliminate the bartender?
MARY BETH: No, no one is eliminated, Harvey. It is a matter of finding a forger.
HARVEY: Yes, you've already found your forger.
MARY BETH: One. One forger. So the thing with Tommy could have been a put up job, but I don't know.
HARVEY: OK, so what now?
MARY BETH: So tomorrow we go and check out the first two winners. Maybe one of those is iffy.
HARVEY: But they've already been paid. Isn't it a little late?
MARY BETH: Yes.
HARVEY: Uh. I think it's the guy in the hospital. His alibi is too perfect.
MARY BETH: Honey, that's what a perfect alibi means. It means you didn't do it.
HARVEY: Yes. But nevertheless...
MARY BETH: Five dollars.
HARVEY: You're on. (they shake hands) Let me ask you a question. What would you do if you won two million dollars? First I'd take care of taxes. Then two hundred and fifty thousand dollars each into trust funds for the boys. And a separate fund for the baby at three hundred thousand because of inflation. And a hundred thousand dollars into blue chips for security and a hundred thousand dollars into bonds. That's safe. And another hundred thousand into a real solid mutual, and then we'd buy a house. Outright. No mortgage. And then the rest into a pension fund for the two of us, except maybe two or three thousand dollars mad money.
HARVEY: Are you sure?
MARY BETH: OK! I thought about it. So...
HARVEY: Come here.
MARY BETH: What?
HARVEY: Sit down. ...Please. ...Let me put it this way. What would you do with six hundred dollars?
MARY BETH: Six? Oh, I don't know, Harvey, that's an entirely different thing. ...What? What are you smiling at?
HARVEY: I've been waiting all day to tell ya the result of the audit. I found out this afternoon. We are getting back a six hundred dollar tax refund.
MARY BETH: Refund?
HARVEY: Yes.
MARY BETH: That's amazing.
HARVEY: Yes.
MARY BETH: You're sure it isn't some kind of a trick?
HARVEY: No. No trick. This is the first year they're giving money back. The guy, Bittenberger...
MARY BETH: Bender.
HARVEY: Bender. He said it's gonna cost him his job.
MARY BETH: Oh, the poor man.
HARVEY: No. He's happy for it. He wants to get into a different line of work anyway.
MARY BETH: (as they kiss) One for each dollar. Three. Four.

[Squad car]

MARY BETH: And of course, Harvey wants to spend all the money right away.
CHRISTINE: Well, why not? It's found money.
MARY BETH: It's easy for you to think like that, Christine. You've got that trust fund and all. I can't be like that.
CHRISTINE: Be like what, Mary Beth. It's only six hundred dollars and you spend more than that on a TV set.
MARY BETH: No, I can't. We need every penny, Christine. I mean, I've got another kid on the way. That's a major expense. I'd keep something up front.
CHRISTINE: What does Harvey wanna buy?
MARY BETH: Oh, he wants to hire a babysitter and go to Poconos for the weekend. You know, rent a chalet, see the shows, like we did nine months before Harve Jr. was born.
CHRISTINE: Oh, that's nice!
MARY BETH: Actually he's got a point. You know, I mean, when the new baby comes, we can't get out for a while. Like a couple of years.
CHRISTINE: So go!
MARY BETH: No, I can't. I... I... I can't. I mean, when I was growing up, we didn't have any money. I don't know. I mean, the thing about money... I mean, maybe it's too deep for me. I don't know. Harvey was so excited about maybe going somewhere. And I love to see him like that because he's so cute. ...And then I got to thinking that I haven't seen him like that for a long time.
CHRISTINE: Oh, here it is. ...Nice house.
MARY BETH: She was the first one to claim the prize, right?
CHRISTINE: Yeah.
MARY BETH: Yeah.

[At the door of the house]

(the door opens)
ALVERTA EDWARDS: Yes?
CHRISTINE: Mrs. Alverta Edwards?
ALVERTA EDWARDS: You're the detectives who phoned?
CHRISTINE: Yes, I'm Sergeant Cagney. This is Detective Lacey. May we come in, please?

[In the hallway]

ALVERTA EDWARDS: We've been waiting forty-five minutes. This is Mr. Irwin Elias, my attorney. I asked him to be here.
IRWIN ELIAS: Since the Lottery Commission attached Mrs. Edwards' property, we feel it might turn into a matter that requires some litigation.
MARY BETH: Oh, believe me ma'am, this is the first that we heard about attaching property.
IRWIN ELIAS: Well, it hardly matters, does it? The fact remains that everything my client owns has been frozen by the court, until such time as the matter is resolved.
ALVERTA EDWARDS: In plain English, every hour, every day, that this mess remains unsolved, you're hurting my family.
CHRISTINE: Well, Mrs. Edwards, we're trying to clear that up now.
ALVERTA EDWARDS: Don't you understand? We have no money. And even if I could get my old job back, it will take my yearly salary to meet my new monthly expenses. So, I am suing your department, ladies, and ...the lottery.
CHRISTINE: (as Mrs. Edwards stalks off, Elias smiles) Nice one, Irwin.

[Sharon Burnside's office]

MARY BETH: Don't you see, ma'am, this business of attaching everything belonging to the suspect isn't exactly make our investigation any easier.
SHARON BURNSIDE: It's not my fault. The Board decided on that. They didn't even ask me! I'm a woman, so they don't ask my opinion.
MARY BETH: Well, we have Mrs. Edwards already paid. And then we have poor Mr. Stevens, the bus victim. And the ex-con bartender. One of them is dirty.
CHRISTINE: Unless there has been an error. Now could you have printed four winning tickets instead of three by mistake?
SHARON BURNSIDE: No! The printing of tickets is done by the computer and it's very closely guarded. Almost as tightly as the virgin's belt.
CHRISTINE: Then what about the drawing. Could somebody have rigged that?
SHARON BURNSIDE: Don't even think that!! There are four sets of balls. They are weighed and sealed under our eyes and those of an independent arbiter before and after. And then the draw is held on live television! Actually there was one case of a man trying to palm a ball. He was an amateur magician. But that was before I came here and that had nothing to do with me!
MARY BETH: No one is blaming you, Mrs. Burnside.
SHARON BURNSIDE: Ha!!! That's what you think. The Racing and Wagering Commission are gonna have my head for this. I hate them! I should have taken that job with Luxury Cruises. I'd have gotten free travel.
MARY BETH: Well, ma'am, I'm afraid we're back to one of the four. Mrs. Edwards. Mr. Stevens. Mr. Phelps. And Mr. er... What is the other guy's name, Chris?
CHRISTINE: Mr. Sycamore.

[Sycamore's house]

CLAUDE SYCAMORE: (pouring a drink) Hey, call me Claude.
CHRISTINE: All right, Claude.
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: Listen, can I get you ladies something maybe?
MARY BETH: Oh, no, not for me, thanks.
CHRISTINE: You know, there's been a little mix-up with the lottery?
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: It doesn't effect me much, does it?
CHRISTINE: You haven't got a court order yet?
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: Well, what for?
MARY BETH: Well, sir, it's very likely you will be getting such an order. I'm afraid that the lottery is attaching all the money and the property of the winning ticket holders.
(he bursts out laughing. The duo joins him)
CHRISTINE: (through her laughing) It's true!
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: (still laughing) Well, yes.
MARY BETH: This is very serious, Mr. Sycamore.
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: I haven't got any more. (a black cocker spaniel comes up) Hey, Sally. (to the duo) You haven't met my Sally. Look at those big brown eyes. (to Sally) Is this a face?! Is this a face?!
MARY BETH: She's very cute. If we could get back to the money, Mr. Sycamore.
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: You know, this dog is a champion. But don't tell her... I mean you know how stars get?
CHRISTINE: Mm. Now about the money, you're kidding, aren't you?
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: No. Ha, ha. I spent it.
CHRISTINE: You spent two million dollars in eleven months!!
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: It didn't take that long. You see, after tax, which I had because I took it all in one lump. Well there were bills, and businesses closed, and debts. Most of it went on wine, women and song, I'd guess you'd say. The rest was (breaking out laughing) waste. Oh, we had some fun. We had some fun (to the dog) didn't we?

[Squad car]

MARY BETH: I'm agonising over six hundred dollars, and he just gets that smart over how he blew two million.
CHRISTINE: Well, it's not as bad as it could be. He built up that little food company. What was that cutie name? Wanna Bite Industries. It could have been a strong thing. He just had bad luck.
MARY BETH: I mean, he doesn't even care. That's what kills me.
CHRISTINE: I don't know, maybe it's not such a bad attitude to have. What you gonna do? Cry about it.
MARY BETH: What's the matter with you, Christine. It's two million dollars.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, do you remember that TV series, "The Millionaire"? It is an example of how that kind of money can sometimes ruin some people's lives. Ha, ha. At least this guy enjoyed it. Ha, ha.
MARY BETH: You like this man? Oh, you always liked the face. Do you know this man?
CHRISTINE: That is not true, Mary Beth! It just seems that way.

[Precinct front desk office]

(the duo comes in. Hank Stevens is sitting there)
MARY BETH: (shaking his hand) Oh, Mr. Stevens. How are you, sir?
HANK STEVENS: How is the investigation coming?
MARY BETH: It's progressing, sir. Are you all right?
HANK STEVENS: It's like a nightmare with all them, I don't know, Homeric warriors.
CHRISTINE: Well, why don't you sit down, Mr. Stevens?
HANK STEVENS: Thank you. Er, I wish I could be arrested right now and locked away forever.
MARY BETH: Mr. Stevens, are you trying to confess, sir?
CHRISTINE: Do you want me to call your attorney?
(Josie, the bag lady is sitting beside)
HANK STEVENS: A lawyer? That's all I need is another lawyer. ...Court order. You know about the court order?
MARY BETH: Yes sir, we do.
HANK STEVENS: Well, (getting up and walking away on his stick because he realises Josie is listening) I talked to my attorney. My ex-wife is trying to get her hands on five million. Her lawyer said I owned the ticket before the divorce became final.
MARY BETH: Oh.
HANK STEVENS: And I er... (to Chris) Do you think I should pay it? I got zero credit. If I'm not innocent, I'm hungry. I've been locked out of my apartment. So if I was arrested, at least I could eat and have a place to sleep until this investigation is over. ...So I... (looking around at Josie) was wondering. Is there some kind of minor crime I could commit? ...Just a small one.

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: OK, I just got off the phone with the woman from the lottery.
MARY BETH: Mrs. Burnside.
SAMUELS: Yeah. She got word back from that computer company upstate.
CHRISTINE: And?
SAMUELS: And she said that this time it is as conclusive as you can get. The first ticket, the woman that you call ...Mrs. Alverta Edwards, presented her ticket before there was that computer screw up!
CHRISTINE: Dump.
SAMUELS: What?!
CHRISTINE: Dump. It's er, computerese, Lieutenant. Meaning a massive discharge of memory. Mrs. Burnside explained that to us. ...Dump. ...Sorry.
SAMUELS: Anyway, the point is that her ticket was the only one of the five tickets that was able to be computer verified. And it was! So she is in the clear!
MARY BETH: Oh, that's good, I'm glad, sir.
SAMUELS: Yeah, I'm glad that you're glad, Lacey. We are delighted. We got no case here!
MARY BETH: Oh no, what I meant, sir, was that I'm glad that Mrs. Edwards has been eliminated because that now narrows our list of possible suspects, sir.
SAMUELS: Right!!! So run it down!!
MARY BETH: Oh well, with Mrs. Edwards eliminated, we're looking at the bartender, the flake in Jersey that already spent the money and Hard Luck Hank.
SAMUELS: Who!!!
MARY BETH: Mr. Stevens.
CHRISTINE: I hope it's not him. I loaned him fifty bucks.
SAMUELS: You lent a suspect fifty dollars?!!
MARY BETH: No, well, actually that was my fault, sir.
CHRISTINE: That was a judgement call, Lieutenant. We both agree that he is innocent.
SAMUELS: Let's hope so.
MARY BETH: I've got a gut feeling it's the flake, sir.
CHRISTINE: No. Now I think it was the bartender.
MARY BETH: The bartender? He was your guy.
CHRISTINE: Unless it was Claude.
SAMUELS: Wait! Is Claude the flake?
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
CHRISTINE: Well he's not a flake, Lieutenant, he's different.
MARY BETH: Yeah. Different flake. And anyway the bartender has Tommy to back him up.
CHRISTINE: That was a put up job.
MARY BETH: That what I said, Christine. Anyway Tommy's in jail.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, but it's his first offence, Mary Beth. What is the judge gonna do. Slap his wrists. Charge him a few bucks. He gets out and splits the two million dollars with Big Al, the conman.
SAMUELS: Wait!!! Now who is Big Al?!!
MARY BETH: Mr. Phelps.
CHRISTINE: What? Now are you saying it could be Big Al?
MARY BETH: Well, not if it's the flake, it couldn't.
SAMUELS: Hey! Hey! I've got such a headache! Look, I don't care if it is the flake or if it's the bartender or if it's your guy or if it's her guy. It's late. Go home and see what effect it has tomorrow morning.
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
SAMUELS: And at which time I would like to hear some straight answers!
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
CHRISTINE: Goodnight, Lieutenant.

[Laceys' bedroom]

(they are in bed)
MARY BETH: Listen.
HARVEY: I feel the kick.
MARY BETH: Yeah, more than the other two. This one likes a workout. ...Harvey.
HARVEY: Yeah.
MARY BETH: Do you really want another boy?
HARVEY: I don't know. I er, hadn't thought much about it.
MARY BETH: You keep saying 'him'.
HARVEY: Well, that's habit. I'll love whatever we have.
MARY BETH: Yeah, I know. ...I just wonder sometimes. What it would be like to have a little girl.
HARVEY: Different.
MARY BETH: Mm hm. I saw a little girl in the park the other day. A little doll. And she had a dress. (indicates an eighteen inch square) About that big. Her father was putting her on the Carousel. It made me think about you.
HARVEY: It did.
MARY BETH: Yeah. The way he looked at her. As if she was the most precious thing in all the world. I thought about you looking at our daughter like that.
HARVEY: (continuing to feel Mary Beth's stomach) Might be nice. A little daughter.
MARY BETH: Yeah. Goodnight babe.
HARVEY: (kissing her) Goodnight, sweetheart. (kissing her stomach) Goodnight baby.
(Mary Beth laughs and turns the light out)
HARVEY: You're very special when you're pregnant.
MARY BETH: Yeah.
HARVEY: I mean more cleavage, more stuff.
MARY BETH: Yeah, more everything.
HARVEY: The more the merrier!
(as he continues to canoodle with her)
MARY BETH: Harvey! Stop that ...in a while.

[Precinct front desk office]

(the duo are at the candy machine and then move off)
MARY BETH: Do you know what's wrong here? We've been looking for two master forgers.
CHRISTINE: What do you mean?
MARY BETH: Well, look. Carstairs was the first time that a lottery ticket had been forged so well it couldn't be detected. Right?
CHRISTINE: Right.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (as they come in) OK, so what are the odds on the same lottery, a second ticket would be forged to the same perfection. Two master-forgers at the same time? That's odd.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. But what are our choices?
MARY BETH: I don't know, but it doesn't seem logical.
ISBECKI: (coming up) Guess who's been asking for the afternoon off?
CHRISTINE: Oh, please don't bore us with your hot dates. OK, Isbecki?
ISBECKI: No. I am going to the dog show.
CHRISTINE: Are you gonna be in it?
MARY BETH: Yeah! A Doberman fanny pincher!
(she laughs out loud. Isbecki laughs back)
ISBECKI: Oh, you two laugh. (as he leaves) So who's got the afternoon off?
CHRISTINE: (looking after him suddenly shouts out loud) Cocker spaniel!!!.
(Joey Newman is looking at the case file)
MARY BETH: Christine!!
CHRISTINE: That's it! Mary Beth, that's the connection we've been looking for. Your guy and Claude, they both have cocker spaniels!
MARY BETH: Oh, That's good, Christine. We can go in front of the Grand Jury with that.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, they both have show dogs.
NEWMAN: You spelled it wrong.
CHRISTINE: Can't you find your desk, Newman?
NEWMAN: Look. It is not NYID. It is NYPD. You can't trust computers.
CHRISTINE: (grabbing the file from Newman) Computers. That's it. Claude.
MARY BETH: Your guy?
CHRISTINE: Claude is into computers. What if he taps into the lottery computer and he dumps the memory?
MARY BETH: Huh?
NEWMAN: Exactly. Didn't you see "War Games"?
MARY BETH: Who are you?!
CHRISTINE: Let's go. ...Mary Beth, come on lets go! Hurry up.
MARY BETH: Fine. OK. I'm coming. ...Where?

[Madison Square Garden]

TANNOY: The first call is for all ABC dogs. All ABC dogs go to ring three.
MARY BETH: I had no idea dogs were such a big deal.
CHRISTINE: Oh yeah, if it wasn't a big deal, people wouldn't have come at the exact same time last year. The same time as the lottery was drawn.
MARY BETH: Christine!
(Sycamore is leading two cocker spaniels, one red, one black, towards an escalator)
MARY BETH: Mr. Sycamore! Hello there, Mr. Sycamore. Do you remember us?
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: Oh, hi.
CHRISTINE: Hi.
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: What are you two doing here?
CHRISTINE: (picking up the black one) Oh, Sally! How ya doing? Mary Beth, Sally has a new friend.
(Sycamore picks up the red one)
MARY BETH: Hi ya, Maxie.
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: Oh, you... You know Maxie.
MARY BETH: Oh yes, we've met.
CHRISTINE: (nodding to the escalator) Going down?
MARY BETH: (as they go down the escalator) Do you know what was throwing us? We kept looking for two master-forgers, each with one perfect forgery. There was never two master-forgers. There was one master-forger and he made two tickets. Am I right, sir?
CHRISTINE: You and Carstairs met here last year. We've checked. We know you were both here. And the two of you came up with the idea. He made the perfect ticket with the winning number. You used your computer to dump the computer's memory. Then when you present the winning ticket , the computer can't verify it.
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: Fascinating theory.
CHRISTINE: Ain't it?!
MARY BETH: We've just talked with Mr. Carstairs.
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: Oh, you did.
MARY BETH: Yes sir, we did.
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: (to the dog show control desk) Er, Sycamore.
MARY BETH: And he was very informative. He told us that he didn't get much out of the split. It seems that you did most of the fun-buying by yourself. Alimony. Gambler's debts. Failed computer companies. There wasn't much left for him. And he couldn't exactly come to the police about it, could he, sir? How am I doing?
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: Pretty good. Yeah, he was real cranky about it.
CHRISTINE: I don't blame him.
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: He could never another ticket. (Maxie barks. He picks up him up) Maxie, I think we'll buy a pool. (to Mary Beth) Do you know what?
MARY BETH: Huh?
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: (throwing Maxie at her and running off) Here!
MARY BETH: (catching Maxie) Oh! Oh no, don't run here.
CHRISTINE: (putting Sally down on the desk and shouting to Mary Beth as she chases after Sycamore) Call back up!
MARY BETH: (to the desk staff) I'm a cop. Get in touch with Security.
(while Mary Beth struggles with Maxie and her handbag to show her shield, Chris chases Sycamore. People, dogs, etc. are knocked aside. Isbecki is admiring an attractive young lady's dog)
ISBECKI: (looking at the lady) He does have great lines.
YOUNG LADY: It's a she.
ISBECKI: Oh. At least you know the difference.
CHRISTINE: Excuse me! Excuse me! Police!
ISBECKI: (hearing Chris) I'll be right back.
CHRISTINE: Police! Coming through!
CHRISTINE: (seeing Isbecki pointing that where Sycamore has gone, Chris goes round the other way) OK!
SECURITY CHIEF: (to Mary Beth) None of my men have spotted him.
MARY BETH: Well, keep looking, sir.
(Chris and Isbecki appear)
MARY BETH: Hello, Victor.
GUARD: (trying to hold Maxie) Hey, lady, you've got one lively dog.
(Maxie escapes and runs off with Sally. Sally goes straight to a phone booth where Sycamore is hiding)
CLAUDE SYCAMORE: Go! Go!
(Sycamore realises the game is up)
MARY BETH: Terrific.

[Laceys' lounge/kitchen]

MARY BETH: Michael wanted me to read him a bedtime story. He hasn't done that forever. What are you looking for?
HARVEY: The brochures on the Poconos cabin resort.
MARY BETH: I took 'em.
HARVEY: You did? What for?
(she gets an envelope out of a drawer and gives it to him with a flourish)
MARY BETH: Three days bought and paid for.
HARVEY: You're kidding. Oh! Wow!! (kissing her hand and shaking it) Oh boy. (taking a book out of his top pocket and giving it to her) I opened that account at the bank this morning. It was gonna be a surprise.
MARY BETH: Baby Lacey. Harvey, you're the best.
HARVEY: It's one of those special deals. You can't get your money back without substantial forfeiture and all that stuff.
MARY BETH: But Harvey, the trip is not refundable either.
HARVEY: Yeah. The cheque's gonna bounce.
MARY BETH: Do you know what this is like? This is just like that story... (beginning to cry) where she sells her hair and he sells his watch.
HARVEY: Oh, no, baby. Hey, we'll borrow on payday. It's gonna be OK.
MARY BETH: You bought me what I wanted and I bought you what you wanted. And it's so romantic, Harvey.
HARVEY: I always know what you want.
MARY BETH: Yes. You really wanted to take me to the mountains for a romantic weekend. Even when I said I'd be like a whale. Oh Harvey.
HARVEY: Yes. Oh, God, I love you, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Yeah?!
HARVEY: Yeah.

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