[Detectives' Squad room]
PETRIE: One thing bothers me, Edna. The mortuary. I could be courting bad luck.
EDNA KISS: Not to worry. The place went broke during the last administration. If it was still in business, then it would be bad luck.
PETRIE: OK, I'll buy it.
EDNA KISS: You already did. Besides anything you buy from me is good luck. (pocketing a dollar bill and going over to a case of goods) Guaranteed.
PETRIE: All right.
ISBECKI: (coming back to his desk) New bowling jacket, Marcus?
ISBECKI: Hey, Edna, will you get this garbage off my desk?
EDNA KISS: A thing of beauty, this tie.
(she holds the tie up against Victor's shirt)
ISBECKI: No, Edna.
EDNA KISS: This tie is silk. This tie is hand painted. Oh, it's you. Three bucks.
PETRIE: She's right, Victor, that tie is good.
ISBECKI: Let me explain a personal rule-of-thumb. Does that pass the Barry Manilow test?
EDNA KISS: The what test?
ISBECKI: The Bar-ry Man-i-low test. Do you know who Barry Manilow is?
EDNA KISS: What?! Do you think I don't keep up? Sure, I know. He's the singer from Brooklyn who does singles. Right?
PETRIE: If Barry Manilow wears it then Victor Isbecki would wear it.
ISBECKI: (Edna half-zips up her case of goods) Bar-ry Man-i-low ...would ... never ...wear ...that ...tie.
(Edna finishes zipping up the case and stalks out with it. The duo comes in)
CHRISTINE: Hi, Edna, how ya doing?
EDNA KISS: Fair to middling. (to Mary Beth) Hey, I've got some bargains today.
CHRISTINE: What you got?
EDNA KISS: Panty hose, maybe?
CHRISTINE: Oh, no thanks, Edna.
MARY BETH: (holding out her hand) Edna Kiss, you're an amazing woman. (Edna shakes her hand. To Chris) This is an amazing woman.
CHRISTINE: I know that. Who else would turn in stolen money amounting to nearly five hundred dollars?
(Edna waves goodbye)
MARY BETH: I've got to admit it. It's unheard of human behaviour. Unheard of. Especially here.
CHRISTINE: Edna Kiss. Last honest person in New York City.
SAMUELS: Cagney! Lacey!
MARY BETH: I believe the Lieutenant wants to see us. Yes sir!
SAMUELS: We've got a missing person here. Dwayne Patterson. Sixteen year-old boy.
MARY BETH: With due respect, sir, we're very backed up here.
SAMUELS: Oh, congratulations. Now you're backed up some more.
CHRISTINE: He disappeared Friday night. This is only Monday. We don't normally move this fast on a 'missing'.
MARY BETH: He's even got a missing person's number here. Is there something special about this case, sir?
SAMUELS: Yeah, what's special is the parents. They've been here all weekend. Night and day. They just don't wanna go away.
CHRISTINE: So that's our job? Make 'em go away?
SAMUELS: Let's see what you can do for 'em, huh? They're nice people and both of them, They're teachers on the New York schools system. And they've been shuffled around here and ignored. Well, they're scared sick.
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
MR. PATTERSON: No he hasn't been upset or despondent. No he hasn't been in trouble with the police. No he hasn't been in any trouble with the school.
MRS. PATTERSON: Dwyane's grade A and he's captain of the football team. No he doesn't take drugs. No he hasn't talked about suicide.
MARY BETH: Please, Mr. Patterson, we're doing our best here.
MRS. PATTERSON: It's just that we have answered the same questions over and over again. All weekend.
MR. PATTERSON: I'll tell you something else I've repeated over a hundred times. Dwayne is not a runaway!
CHRISTINE: How can you be so certain, Mr. Patterson?
MR. PATTERSON: When he left home he was wearing a tux and carrying a corsage. Does that sound like a runaway to you?
MARY BETH: No sir, not to me.
MRS. PATTERSON: He was er, taking his girl to the school prom, (beginning to cry) but he never arrived at her house. He just disappeared.
CHRISTINE: Did he take the family car?
MR. PATTERSON: No, he took a cab.
CHRISTINE: Do you know what kind of cab?
MRS. PATTERSON: Like we said before, it was blue with yellow leather.
CHRISTINE: Northside Cab Company.
MRS. PATTERSON: Yes, that's what the other detective said.
MR. PATTERSON: I don't know. Maybe this sounds corny. Maybe you hear this all the time but ...Dwayne's the kind of a son that ...a father thanks God for every single day of his life.
MARY BETH: No sir, it doesn't sound corny. And we don't hear it all the time. In fact we don't hear it nearly enough.
MR. PATTERSON: (pleading) Please find our son. ...Please.
[Detectives' Squad room]
ISBECKI: Coleman bets that the Chicago Cubs will win the National League East. Right? So I give him ridiculous odds and what happens?
PETRIE: The Cubs win for the first time since nineteen forty-five.
ISBECKI: I take Miami against San Francisco. Right? I get three points. Now Maurinho has made forty-eight touchdown passes this year so I figure he's worth backing. What happens?
PETRIE: Maurinho gets sacked four times and throws two interceptions. Beautiful.
ISBECKI: Coleman is one lucky dude.
PETRIE: Lucky and shrewd.
ISBECKI: I spent the whole day studying this one particular fly. Watching his comings and goings. Right? It takes off and it lands, never staying in one place more than fifteen seconds. So I say, 'Coleman, see that fly? I bet you twenty bucks, the next place it lands it doesn't stay more fifteen seconds'
PETRIE: Ah ha.
ISBECKI: He says 'You're on'. He takes out a sugar doughnut. He puts it on my desk. The fly takes off, lands on the sugar doughnut, then spends the whole afternoon there!
PETRIE: (laughing) Victor, like I said. 'Shrewd'.
ISBECKI: Now there's this money clip that Edna Kiss found. In thirty days, if nobody claims it, Edna Kiss gets to keep it. That's the law. What do you think the odds of somebody not claiming the money clip, with five hundred dollars in it?
ISBECKI: Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you? This is the twenty-sixth day. Four more days, you just watch it, Edna'll be five hundred dollars richer and I'll be hundred dollars poorer.
PETRIE: Try not to let it make you a bitter man, Victor.
ISBECKI: Yeah. Right.
(he takes a sheet of paper out of his typewriter, screws it up and misses the waste paper basket. Chris comes off the phone)
CHRISTINE: Northside Cab Company says they picked up the Patterson kid at seven-thirty. Dropped him at nine-eighty-seven, East 14th, ten minutes later.
MARY BETH: Hand me the Reverse Directory, will ya? Nine, eight, seven?
CHRISTINE: Yeah. East 14th is a funny place for a school dance. It's a rough neighbourhood.
MARY BETH: Cab dropped him off at a liquor store. Nine, eight, seven East 14th is Gotti's Liquor.
CHRISTINE: Shall we?
GOTTI: Yeah, he disappeared, right into a police car.
CHRISTINE: Do you wanna backup a minute? Start at the top.
GOTTI: Sure. The kid walks in. Wants to buy some booze. I show him the sign. (NO ID, NO ALCOHOL, NO ARGUMENT) Underage kids all the time wanna buy booze. He had this fake ID on him. He cracks it open. I tell him to take a hike.
CHRISTINE: How do you know it was phoney?
GOTTI: (chuckling) It's a lousy forged job. You could see it a mile away. Anyway he goes over to the magazine rack and he pretends that he's browsing around. I can see him in the security mirror. Sure enough, he grabs a bottle of Bourbon. Heads for the door. I grab him and I call the cops.
MARY BETH: So they arrested him. Is that correct, sir?
GOTTI: Yeah, the cops asked me if I wanted to press charges. I said 'What did I call you for?' I want people to know if they steal from Vincent Gotti, they get trouble from Vincent Gotti.
CHRISTINE: Um, the name on the fake ID. Do you remember it?
GOTTI: Sure. Wilbur Smith.
MARY BETH: (writing it in her notebook) Wilbur Smith. I'm sure it is, sir. How do happen to remember a name like that?
GOTTI: Ha ha. Lady I personally turned down about a dozen Wilbur Smiths last week. You see, the kids make a batch of these fake ID's with the same name on it in the high school print shop.
CHRISTINE: Well, thank you for your help, Mr. Gotti.
GOTTI: Hey, stick around. Another Wilbur Smith could walk through the door any minute. Ha!
[East 14th Street]
CHRISTINE: You know what I'm thinking?
MARY BETH: Yeah. You're thinking that Dwayne Patterson was booked as Wilbur Smith.
CHRISTINE: Right. If they booked him as an adult you know what that means?
MARY BETH: Rikers.
[Rikers Island interview room]
CHRISTINE: It's hard to believe, huh? A kid's on his way to a high school dance and ...boom! He ends up here.
MARY BETH: There's something you're tending to forget, Christine. It's not, boom, he lands up in Rikers. It's boom, he decides to steal a bottle of liquor.
CHRISTINE: I did not forget that. But it's no big deal! I used to steal a little booze when I was a kid. I didn't end up in Rikers.
(Dwayne Patterson is brought in. He has a black eye and bruises on his forehead and neck)
CHRISTINE: I'm Detective Cagney. This is Detective Lacey. Are you Dwayne Patterson? ...Do you wanna sit down?
MARY BETH: Your parents have been worried sick about you for three days.
CHRISTINE: What happened to you? Go take a seat.
(a shocked Dwayne Patterson sits down)
CHRISTINE: What happened to you?
DWAYNE PATTERSON: Nothing.
MARY BETH: Nothing?! Looks to me more like something.
DWAYNE PATTERSON: It's no big thing. Just a hassle.
CHRISTINE: A hassle with the other prisoners? A hassle with the guards? What?
MARY BETH: All right. If you don't wanna talk about it, that's OK. We'll talk about something else. Did you tell the arresting officers that that your real name was not Wilbur Smith?
DWAYNE PATTERSON: (shaking his head) I thought I'd lucked out. That no one would even know.
CHRISTINE: Who? Your parents? They were gonna find out sooner or later unless you're planning on spending the rest of your life in jail.
DWAYNE PATTERSON: A friend. I thought he could get me out. I called. His mom said he was at the dance. It meant they wouldn't let me make another phone call.
CHRISTINE: Sitting down beside him) Dwayne, are you going to tell us what happened to you?
DWAYNE PATTERSON: I got in a fight.
CHRISTINE: With whom?
DWAYNE PATTERSON: Huh?
MARY BETH: It takes two to make a fight. Am I right?
DWAYNE PATTERSON: What's my father gonna think?
MARY BETH: I think he's gonna be relieved. He's gonna be grateful to have you home again. Dwayne.
DWAYNE PATTERSON: He's gonna think I've done something. I should have done something.
CHRISTINE: Something about what?
DWAYNE PATTERSON: There were two of them.
MARY BETH: Right, you got in a fight. With how many?
DWAYNE PATTERSON: A couple of guys. The others just watched. Like it was some kind of show.
CHRISTINE: You didn't get in a fight at all, did you Dwayne?
DWAYNE PATTERSON: Nobody ever messed with me before.
MARY BETH: Messed with you? How did they mess with you?
DWAYNE PATTERSON: (quietly) How do you think?
CHRISTINE: You were raped, weren't you? ...Were you raped?!
(he breaks down and puts his head in his hands)
CHRISTINE: (banging for the guard) Will you open this door?!
(Mary Beth is making pasta)
MARY BETH: There was this family who kissed their son goodbye. Send him off to the school dance. The next time they see him he's been raped in the City Jail. Now what am I supposed to say? 'Sorry, your son got lost in the system'.
HARVEY: Brutalising a sixteen year-old boy. It's sick.
(Harvey Jr. has just come in)
MARY BETH: Rape, Harve, it's called rape. Man or woman. No difference.
HARVEY JR.: When's dinner?
MARY BETH: Twenty-eight minutes. (Harvey Jr. takes a cookie) Ah, ah, ah! Not before dinner!
HARVEY JR.: Mum, I'm starving.
MARY BETH: Have a marshmallow.
HARVEY JR.: Oh, wow, all for me! Or do I have to split it with Michael?
MARY BETH: Out! Go.
HARVEY: Sixteen years old?
MARY BETH: Yeah.
HARVEY: I mean, how could they put a shoplifter in with rapists and killers? What kind of sense does that make?
MARY BETH: They don't have good cells and bad cells, Harve. It's just the way it works.
HARVEY: I mean, somebody's gotta be responsible for what happened to that kid, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Yeah. Give me a hand here.
(Harvey comes round to the output side of the pasta machine)
HARVEY: I don't know how you do it sometimes.
MARY BETH: Do what?
HARVEY: Deal with that kind of garbage. And then come home and make pasta.
MARY BETH: Pasta's real. You and the boys are real. The rest of it's ...work. And when it's over I come home and make pasta. Do you wanna grate up some fresh ricotta?
[Detectives' Squad room]
ISBECKI: What are you working on, Cagney?
ISBECKI: You're seeing the more serious side. I used to get all the rape cases. I was sensitive to the victim. Conscientious, Helpful. But who knows? Who cares? Now only women officers get all the sex cases.
CHRISTINE: Well, this wasn't a woman, Victor, it was a sixteen year-old boy.
ISBECKI: Sixteen year-old boy?
CHRISTINE: Yes. A real mistake, this kid. He ended up at Rikers. Accepted a packet of cigarettes from one of the prisoners. Of course he doesn't know that that's the purchase price. And before he knows it he's been raped by four men.
ISBECKI: Well, do you know where he went wrong? He didn't read the warning on the package. 'Cigarette smoking is hazardous to your health'.
(Isbecki breaks out laughing)
CHRISTINE: You know, Victor, way deep down in your heart I just know that even you don't think that's funny.
[Rikers Island interview room]
MARY BETH: The boy was raped repeatedly over a period of four hours in his cell. Now you were in that cell. Now you tell me you didn't he... Look at me when I'm talking to you! You didn't hear anything. You didn't see anything. I find that hard to believe, Mr. Bulliard.
PRISONER #1: I couldn't give a damn. What are you gonna do? Throw me in jail.
PRISONER #2: Yeah, you see it there all the time. Damn fool hustlers. They come here to get treated rough. This here's the place to come for being treated rough.
CHRISTINE: He asked for it. Is that what you're telling us?
PRISONER #2: Hey, the kid knew what he was letting himself in for when he accepted that packet of cigarettes.
CHRISTINE: Come on, Croker, give me a break.
MARY BETH: Who gave him the cigarettes?
PRISONER #2: I don't know. It's happening all the time. Them fool hustlers. Now look, the kid got exactly what he was looking for. All right. He got his moneys worth. All right. Yeah!
(later. It is now dark)
MARY BETH: You have no memory whatsoever of Friday night last?
PRISONER #3: I'll take The Fifth Amendment.
MARY BETH: You don't remember a young boy getting raped over and over again in the same cell that you were.
PRISONER #3: The Fifth Amendment.
CHRISTINE: Didn't the screams keep you awake.
PRISONER #3: Fifth Amendment.
(later next day. A fourth prisoner)
CHRISTINE: Did you see the boy was hurt? Did you call for a guard?
MARY BETH: Than you for your cooperation.
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: I can tell you everything I saw in two words. No ...thing. You see I'm like one of those beggar dudes that accost nice people on the street. Handsome business card that says 'I can't see, I can't hear and I can't talk'.
CHRISTINE: Eddie how can you be in the same cell with that going on and not know that that's going on?
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Yeah. But I can't see, I can't hear and I can't talk.
[Rikers Island exercise yard]
(a fight looks like it's developing in one group of prisoners. Another group is playing basketball)
WARDEN BAXTER: (coming out with the duo) I'd like to tell you ladies that sexual assaults are an infrequent thing here, but I can't do that. They happen all the time. Every day.
CHRISTINE: So what do you do about it?
WARDEN BAXTER: What can you do about it? You put men in overcrowded conditions like this. They become animals, you know. Pressure starts to build and something's gotta give. We call this area here The Ugly Farm.
(some prisoners follow them jeering. Others pump weights up and down in their direction)
WARDEN BAXTER: As you can see, they don't get to see many women down here.
CASALVO: (to Chris) I had a really good dream last night and you were in it, baby.
WARDEN BAXTER: Can it, Casalvo. I hope this isn't upsetting you ladies. You know, the public think that we're in the rehabilitation business. Actually we're in the zoo business.
(the prisoners continue to jeer and gyrate provocatively as the duo leaves)
CHRISTINE: I need a bath. ...Does the Warden get a bang out of it? ..He's right, you know, they are in the zoo business.
MARY BETH: People shouldn't live in zoos.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, they are not a lot of misunderstood souls here. They are murderers. They are rapists. That's where they belong.
MARY BETH: Nobody belongs there, Christine.
MARY BETH: Yeah, but nobody belongs in there.
CHRISTINE: Great. Can you figure out what we should do with them?
[Open plan office]
(it is crowded and busy. The duo asks for a man, Arthur Stacey, to be pointed out)
CHRISTINE: Mr. Arthur Stacey?
MARY BETH: I'm Detective Lacey. This is Detective Cagney. You were charged with soliciting a prostitute Friday last at Rikers. Is that right?
STACEY: Will you keep your voice down, please? It was a misdemeanour. I paid my fine. So what do you want with me?
MARY BETH: Friday night an incident occurred in your cell, sir.
STACEY: Well, I wouldn't know about that.
MARY BETH: Know about what?
STACEY: I wouldn't know about anything. And would you please keep your voice down?
MARY BETH: (still out loud) A sixteen year-old boy was raped Mr. Stacey.
STACEY: I was asleep.
CHRISTINE: I would think it would be very difficult to sleep, Mr. Stacey. I mean, a professional man like yourself, suddenly in jail. And, of course, there was that young boy screaming. Yelling for help.
MARY BETH: We think you can help us identify the responsible party. (throwing some photos on his desk) Take a look.
STACEY: (handing the photos back) Like I said I was asleep.
CHRISTINE: Well, I'm disappointed in you, Mr. Stacey. We've had zero cooperation. All of the prisoners are afraid to talk. We thought maybe we could count on your help. You don't have to be afraid. You're not in jail ...at the moment.
STACEY: I would help if I could, but I can't, because I didn't see anything. OK? ...Now, if you'll pardon me, I've got work to do.
[Detectives' Squad room]
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Give me Lynne Sutter. Give me the City Desk.
(Isbecki brings a suspect in. He notices Lynne Sutter on the payphone)
COLEMAN: Hey, Isbecki, day twenty-seven. We've got three days to go.
ISBECKI: (to Coleman) Hey, print this guy for me. I'll be right back.
LYNNE SUTTER: (into phone) OK.
(she rings off)
ISBECKI: How's my favourite scribe?
LYNNE SUTTER: How you doing, Isbecki?
ISBECKI: In the mood to share inside information.
LYNNE SUTTER: No thank you, Victor. You're nothing but a self-serving...
(as she gets another coin and goes to dial, Isbecki stops her taking the receiver off the hook)
ISBECKI: Hey, this one doesn't involve me. Every now and then there is something that happens that reaffirms my faith in fellow man. Look, this the story that I call 'The Last Honest Person in New York City'. (Isbecki goes to pull her reporter's notebook from her bag) You better get your book out for this. We're talking heavy human interest here.
(he puts his arm round Lynne and takes her off. Josie the bag lady has been pretending to be asleep on the bench behind them. Later the newspaper presses are rolling. The bundles of newspapers are being loaded for distribution. The article headline is 'The Last Honest Person in NYC'. Septuagenarian Street Entrepreneur Turns in Money Clip)
[Precinct House front desk]
(there is a long queue of New York 'characters' at Coleman's desk)
COLEMAN: (to the next) Describe it.
CHARACTER #1: Describe it?
COLEMAN: I think it's the least we can do, don't you?
CHARACTER #1: It's er, a thing to keep your money in.
COLEMAN: Oh. Very good. How about the colour.
CHARACTER #1: It's er, black. Brown!
CHARACTER #1: It's er, brown but it looks black, like it's pretty old.
COLEMAN: Uh huh. Right. Next!
CHARACTER #2: Yeah er, I've come to claim my money clip. And it's definitely not brown...
PETRIE: (to another detective at the candy machine) I don't understand this. It's the twenty-eighth and all of a sudden people are crawling out of the woodwork to claim that money clip.
DETECTIVE #1: (handing him the newspaper) Power of the Press.
PETRIE: (reading) 'The last honest person in New York City stepped into the Fourteenth Precinct and turned in a lost money clip containing five hundred dollars'.
DETECTIVE #2: It's sad, Marcus. Three words says what she'll do with the money.
PETRIE: (continuing to read) 'I'd buy that metal detector that I see in the front window of the Survivalist Supply Store. Then I'd go live with my sister in Coney Island Beach. Every day we'll sift through the sand searching for people's little lost treasures'.
DETECTIVE #2: The worst thing she could have done is talk to a reporter.
PETRIE: I don't think that Edna talked to anyone. (to the detective, seeing Lynne Sutter come in) Excuse me. Lynne. Lynne, have you got a minute?
LYNNE SUTTER: Sure.
MARY BETH: You wanted to see us, Lieutenant?
SAMUELS: Yeah. Come on in. (to Chris) No, no, no, don't sit. You won't be here long enough. Two things. One. Mr. and Mrs. Patterson are suing the City of New York for seven million dollars. (Mary Beth whistles) And two. Deputy Inspector Knelman has requested the pleasure of your company in his office ASAP.
SAMUELS: Ah ha.
CHRISTINE: Are 'One' and 'Two' related?
SAMUELS: Answer. 'Yes'.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, Lieutenant.
[Precinct House yard]
MARY BETH: I cannot believe how often this happens to me. I have my good days. I also have my not so good days. But every time Knelman wants to see me, it happens to be one of not so good days.
CHRISTINE: What are you talking about?
MARY BETH: My hair. Monday it looked good. Today, not so good.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, I have a gut feeling Knelman is not interested in our appearance.
MARY BETH: My hairdresser, Jeffrey, charges thirty-five dollars. (prattling on) Do you know what I mean?
CHRISTINE: You're right.
(they get in the car)
MARY BETH: Is that can of hairspray still in the glove compartment?
CHRISTINE: Yeah. It's empty.
MARY BETH: You got a hat?
CHRISTINE: No, I do not have a hat.
MARY BETH: You got a headscarf?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you look fine.
MARY BETH: What good are ya?
KNELMAN: Tell me something. Don't you find it ironic that the City of New York is paying you to accumulate evidence so that it can be sued?
MARY BETH: Ironic. Yes sir. Also tragic. What happened to that boy should never have been allowed to happen, sir.
KNELMAN: The very crux of the Pattersons' Press conference today. Their lawyer said you can't put a price tag on tragedy. And in the very next breath he mentions seven million dollars.
CHRISTINE: So far we've come up empty.
MARY BETH: Oh, plenty of eyewitnesses, sir, but nobody's talking.
KNELMAN: Well, let's move on to other cases.
MARY BETH: Other cases, sir?!
CHRISTINE: Are you saying you want us to back off of this?
KNELMAN: Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but you haven't established a case to back off from.
CHRISTINE: Well, we admit it we're temporarily dead-ended on it but...
KNELMAN: Wrap it up by the end of the week and then let's move on to more important things.
MARY BETH: Sir. I think this is important. Don't you, sir?
KNELMAN: An old man gets mugged on the street. He's not looking for trouble. A lady with five kids is shot to death for her paycheque. She's not looking for trouble. But this Dwayne Patterson, he left home with the intention of purchasing alcohol. Then he showed false ID. Then he shoplifted. Then he offered illegal identification again when he was arrested and booked. In other words, Dwayne Patterson looked for trouble. And he found it. And the taxpayer should pay him to the tune of seven million dollars? I find that rather grotesque. Wrap it up!
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, Inspector.
KNELMAN: And Lacey...
MARY BETH: Yes, sir? You've got a run in your left stocking.
MARY BETH: Yes sir. Thank you sir. I'm sorry, sir.
KNELMAN: No need to apologise.
[Outside Knelman's office]
CHRISTINE: Let m e ask you, Mary Beth? When you heard the City of New York was being sued for seven million dollars, did it make your tear-ducts overflow?
MARY BETH: No.
CHRISTINE: Me neither.
[Outside the Pattersons' apartment]
MR. PATTERSON: Dwayne is unavailable. Now if you'll excuse me.
CHRISTINE: Mr. Patterson. Please. We'd like to see the men who did this punished as much as you would.
MR. PATTERSON: I doubt that, Detective.
MARY BETH: We won't take very long, sir. We know that Dwayne is unable to identify his assailants, but we're hoping he could show us the man that gave him the packet of cigarettes.
MR. PATTERSON: I'm afraid you don't understand. Dwayne isn't speaking to anyone right now. Not just you. He won't talk to me. Or to his mother. He won't see his girlfriend. He just sits in his room with the shades drawn. Even the doctors can't get through to him.
CHRISTINE: Mr. Patterson, we need help. I know you're upset.
MR. PATTERSON: Upset?! My son's been scarred for life! Can't you understand that! Don't you have children of your own? If it happened to your kid, how much money would it take to compensate your family?
MARY BETH: It would be very hard to measure that in money, sir.
MR. PATTERSON: Well maybe so, but somebody's gotta pay for this. It never would have happened if you people had done your job right. Instead you took a young innocent kid, (breaking down) you put him in a cell with a with a bunch of animals.
MARY BETH: Mr. Patterson, nobody is denying that the Department made a stupid...
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth! I think we should go!
MR. PATTERSON: (yelling after them as they go down the corridor) You won't get away with it either! I'm gonna sue the hell out of the City of New York!! You've turned my son-in-law into a into a faggot! And you'll pay for it. I swear you'll pay.
[Rikers Island interview room]
MARY BETH: You wanted to talk to us about something, Mr. Stutz.
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Yeah. Well, I wanted to correct a that bad first impression you might have had.
MARY BETH: Ah ha.
CHRISTINE: (inviting him to sit down) So talk.
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Yeah, I mean er, I can tell you the three guys that attacked that kid.
MARY BETH: There were three of them.
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Right, right. Three soul brothers. So they choose to call themselves. What they did to that poor boy was terrible. Just terrible.
MARY BETH: Now, who are these men?
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Let me save that for a while. Er, you see, I mean, I wanna be a stand-up type guy. I mean, you know, do the right thing. But ...I mean, I've got a little bit of a problem here that needs to be ironed out.
CHRISTINE: Your problem. (referring to his file) Er, is it two consecutive life sentences at Attica?
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: There were a lot of extenuating circumstances! Look, I'm not trying to avoid any responsibility that I might have, you know, concerning that matter, but I was er, thinking more of a compromise.
MARY BETH: Compromise?
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Yeah, you know, more along the lines of a double manslaughter conviction.
(the duo looks at one another)
MARY BETH: You mean you want to testify in court?
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Definitely. I mean Eddie Stutz is no stoolie, you understand, but Eddie Stutz don't owe no soul brothers no favours.
CHRISTINE: Now, what do you mean by 'soul brothers'?
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Guys with deep suntans, if you follow my drift.
CHRISTINE: So why don't you just give us the names of the three men?
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: (getting up) When you've got a deal with the DA's Office I'll sing like a canary.
[Outside the DA's Office building]
(coming out pursued by the duo)
FELDBERG: Are you out of your cool zone? Do I look like Monty Hall to you?
MARY BETH: Sir?
FELDBERG: Do I look like the popular host of America's favourite game show 'Let's Make a Deal'? Or do I, in fact, look like Assistant District Attorney Feldberg, a man with a satisfied smile and blood dripping from my teeth?
CHRISTINE: (stopping him rushing along) Why don't you can it, Feldberg? Help us out.
FELDBERG: No, you can it. Eddie Stutz has walked three times. (he rants on) Eddie Stutz's feet will never touch a New York sidewalk again. Never! Not in our lifetime. Hopefully not in our children's lifetime.
MARY BETH: He pleads extenuating circumstances.
FELDBERG: Oh yeah! Listen, listen, listen. He was robbing an all-night pharmacy. A customer walked in after him, so he shot him. Then he killed the pharmacist so there wouldn't be any witnesses. Those are Eddie Stutz's extenuating circumstances. (walking on) You see, I'm afraid there are no prizes awaiting Mr. Stutz behind the curtain. (hailing a cab) Just twelve ladies and gentlemen of the jury who have grown to loathe him as much as I do. No deal. (getting in the cab) Girls, your time's up.
(Chris tries to stop the cab. Mary Beth yells after it)
MARY BETH: Hey! Hey! (to Chris) Come on. Come on, forget about it.
[Detectives' Squad room]
SAMUELS: I've just got off the phone from Knelman.
CHRISTINE: He gave us 'til Friday, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Well ,you don't have to worry about the Dwayne Patterson case after tomorrow, Cagney. The two of you are going to Bermuda.
MARY BETH: Bermuda, sir?!
CHRISTINE: Bermuda. They can't do that!
SAMUELS: That's what I said. As much as I said it, he still said you've gotta go to Bermuda. I'm sorry. But you know, try and look at it this way. The weather over there is gorgeous and the weather report for here is sleet.
MARY BETH: But why us, sir?
SAMUELS: Well, Knelman says he needs two of New York's Finest female officers to extradite Billie Jean Hall. And he personally handpicked the two of you for the job.
MARY BETH: And when does all of this happen, sir?
SAMUELS: Leave and expenses are authorised for Friday morning. And you do not pick Miss. Hall until Monday, so you have most of Friday, all day Saturday and Sunday to do what you want with. Courtesy of NYPD. Do you think you can handle that?
CHRISTINE: Well, it's a tough job, Lieutenant, but somebody has to do it.
MARY BETH: I'll tell you exactly what it sounds like. Sounds like a bribe.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. Forget Dwayne Patterson. Go to Bermuda.
MARY BETH: That's the general idea. Yeah. ...An order's an order, Christine.
CHRISTINE: (stooping at a shop window) Wow! Look at that! (she has spotted a white bikini on a mannequin) Nice? What do you think?
MARY BETH: Gee, you could tan about everything wearing that!
CHRISTINE: Yeah! ...It's a bit nice, isn't it?
MARY BETH: No. What I see, it's not much at all.
CHRISTINE: Yeah! What the hell. I'll risk it.
[Precinct front desk office]
EDNA KISS: (giving up a tuxedo to Isbecki) Try it. You'll like it. No obligation. (taking a pair of shoes out of her case and giving them to Petrie) Here's what is called a real conversation piece. Six dollars.
JOSIE: Huh! I wouldn't pay you more than two dollars for those.
EDNA KISS: Who asked you?
PETRIE: They're a little too small, but very classy. Thank you.
(a smartly dressed man comes in)
DR. LIVINGSTON: (to Coleman) I've come to claim the lost money clip. My name is Dr. Livingston.
(the others all look round)
COLEMAN: As in 'Dr. Livingston, I presume'?
DR. LIVINGSTON: (taking out an identity card and handing it to Coleman) No. As in New York cosmetic surgeon.
COLEMAN: Well, excuse me, sir. Can you describe it?
(the others gather round)
DR. LIVINGSTON: It's fourteen carat gold, shaped in a dollar sign. On the rear in the lower portion of the clip are etched these words, 'Love, Mildred'. Mildred is my wife.
COLEMAN: (taking the clip from under his desk counter) You're very lucky, Doctor. (looking at the others) Presumably? I'll need some ID, and you have to sign this form.
DR. LIVINGSTON: Of course.
PETRIE: May I introduce you, Doctor, to the woman who found your money clip. Miss. Edna Kiss.
DR. LIVINGSTON: Oh, my pleasure.
EDNA KISS: A pleasure to meet you.
DR. LIVINGSTON: You're the last honest person in New York City.
EDNA KISS: (laughing it off) That's just newspaper talk. You've gotta sell papers. I'm not the last honest person in New York City. I think most people are pretty decent.
PETRIE: She thinks most people are pretty decent, Victor. Did you hear that?
DR. LIVINGSTON: Well, Edna, I certainly appreciate what you did, and I'd like you to have this.
EDNA KISS: Five dollars. (Coleman mouths 'Five dollars'. Livingston leaves) Thanks.
(Isbecki, smiling and wearing the tuxedo, approaches Coleman, gesturing with his hand for Coleman to pay up on the bet. Coleman pays up. Isbecki leaves laughing)
[Detectives' Squad room]
(later Edna is looking through her case. Isbecki comes in taking off the tuxedo)
ISBECKI: Edna, this jacket smells that it's spent the night in a sarcophagus.
EDNA KISS: Well, I've got something better for you then.
ISBECKI: I really don't need anything! Honest.
EDNA KISS: (holding up a shirt) If Barry Manilow could wear it, Victor Isbecki could wear it. Remember? Barry Manilow wore this very shirt.
(Petrie and Coleman gather round)
ISBECKI: Barry Manilow wore this shirt?
EDNA KISS: He wore this shirt opening for Jackie Schwarz at Kramers on Columbus Day, when he first started. The wardrobe lady is a personal contact of mine.
ISBECKI: It's got sweat stains!
EDNA KISS: Barry Manilow's sweat stains! The boy works real hard on stage.
PETRIE: A shirt like that ought to be worth about a hundred dollars.
EDNA KISS: Oh no, I'd say around...
PETRIE: One hundred dollars even, Victor. That's what you've just collected off Coleman.
ISBECKI: Well, what's that got to do with anything?
PETRIE: The power of the Press, Victor. Need I say more?
ISBECKI: What are you saying? You don't think I planted that story?
PETRIE: Not even you could be as cynical and cold-hearted as that, could you, Victor? Lynne Sutter said it was er, unnamed sources. We could subpoena her, couldn't we, Sergeant?
ISBECKI: Well, why...
PETRIE: I have a better idea, Victor. Why don't you buy one of Barry Manilow's shirts for say, a hundred dollars. Is that acceptable to you Sergeant?
COLEMAN: I could live with that.
ISBECKI: That's extortion!
COLEMAN: Never hold up in court, Victor. No witnesses.
(others have gathered round. Isbecki coughs up)
ISBECKI: Edna. Are you sure Barry Manilow wore this shirt?
EDNA KISS: (smiling weakly) Cross my heart.
[Precinct House yard]
CHRISTINE: We've got one day left to come up with something on the Patterson case.
MARY BETH: Well, what do suggest we do with one day?
CHRISTINE: I don't know. Double-check statements. Look for a hole in somebody's story. After that I'm gonna lie there and soak up the Bermuda rays and I'm not gonna feel guilty about anything. I was wondering while I'm laying there not feeling guilty, I'll be wearing that little bikini I've just tried on... Now tell me the truth, Mary Beth. What did you think? Honestly.
MARY BETH: Well, it was better than that one with the two shells.
CHRISTINE: (going in to the Precinct House) Yeah.
[Detectives' Squad room]
(Edna is there with her case counting dollar bills. Josie, the bag lady, has a wide brimmed hat on)
JOSIE: (to the duo) What do you think?
CHRISTINE: Ah, Josie, it's you.
MARY BETH: What's been going on?
PETRIE: It's been quite a day. (giving Chris the newspaper) First a doctor claimed the lost money clip, thanks to the power of the Press.
MARY BETH: Oh.
PETRIE: But then Isbecki showed a spontaneous gesture of humanitarianism. He paid a hundred dollars for an authentic Barry Manilow shirt.
PETRIE: (indicating the cardigan he is wearing) I bought this.
MARY BETH: Nice.
DETECTIVE #2: (to Edna) How much for this tie?
EDNA KISS: Make a bid. What's it worth?
(Chris sits down and reads 'The Last Honest Person' article.
(the detective pays for the tie)
EDNA KISS: Forty bucks!
MARY BETH: What you got left?
EDNA KISS: This is the biggest day in my retail history.
MARY BETH: Look at this! (holding it up) Bowling shirt. Lovely for Harve, huh? Fifty bucks, not a penny more?
EDNA KISS: No.
MARY BETH: You'll have to take my cheque.
EDNA KISS: Ah, what the hell, you've got a honest face.
CHRISTINE: Petrie? Petrie, you've just given me an idea. Mary Beth!
[Open plan office]
STACEY: I told you last time, I didn't see anything. I don't know why you people insist on hounding me.
MARY BETH: No sir! It's not us who are hounds, Mr. Stacey. It's the Press who are hounds.
STACEY: The Press?
CHRISTINE: Yes, the power of the Press is truly astounding, Mr. Stacey.
MARY BETH: You see, sir, we have this journalist friend. She works for 'Police Beat'. And she's researching a series of articles she's writing on prostitutes.
CHRISTINE: And their customers. You are a customer, aren't you, Mr. Stacey?
STACEY: Can we go someplace a little more quiet?
MARY BETH: Sure.
CHRISTINE: Anyway this hooker mentioned your name. And this reporter wanted to do an article on you. She was going top entitle it 'Profile of a Trick'.
STACEY: You're lying.
STACEY: The girl I was arrested with didn't know my name. She didn't know anything about me!
MARY BETH: Oh no, sir! Not the one you were arrested with Friday. No another one. She was about the same size as my partner. And she dresses ...kind of funny.
CHRISTINE: You're a big man out there on Broadway, Mr. Stacey. Am I right or am I wrong?
MARY BETH: Your name keeps popping up again and again.
STACEY: A violation of my privacy is what we're talking about here.
MARY BETH: Well, that was exactly my point, sir. But my partner, she didn't agree with me.
CHRISTINE: That's right! I said, 'Let's use him as an example'. I said 'Let's splash his name across the front page of the paper'.
MARY BETH: But I said 'No, we owe Mr. Stacey better than that'. I mean, we remember how embarrassed he was when he thought other people would find out. We should help him protect his privacy.
STACEY: You want me to identify the man who raped that boy. Is that it?
CHRISTINE: What ever you feel would be best.
MARY BETH: You see, if you talk to us, sir, then we could talk to this reporter. And I'm pretty sure I could guarantee we could steer her in another investigative direction.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth as Stacey gets up to think) Wait! What about the publicity?
MARY BETH: Oh well. Hey, the publicity! Who knows? It could turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Could be even a TV movie-of-the-week, sir.
CHRISTINE: (throwing them on the table) We've brought some pictures you might want to look at again.
(Stacey looks at the pictures)
[Rikers Island interview room]
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: So? What did the DA's Office have to say?
(Stutz pulls up a chair, leans back on it and puts his feet up on the table)
CHRISTINE: Well, they said' Eddie Stutz's feet will never touch a New York sidewalk again'.
MARY BETH: Yeah, and that was before they knew that you were the one that instigated the rape of Dwayne Patterson.
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: What?
MARY BETH: We have eyewitnesses. We have a signed statement.
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: No kidding.
CHRISTINE: No kidding.
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, well... Oh, next time you see Dwayne, ask him if he had a good time.
CHRISTINE: You're revolting, Eddie. ...But you probably already know that.
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Don't it make you wanna beat on my mean old chest with your little fists? Ha, ha. It's hard to know what to do with a man like me, isn't it? I mean here I am ready to face two consecutive life-sentences. So, why don't you just tack this one on?
CHRISTINE: Why did you try to lay it off on the black prisoners?
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: I just don't like 'em.
CHRISTINE: Oof. I suggest that you broaden your view before you get to Attica.
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: Ha ha. No big thing! Not as long as you keep sending me those nice young boys. (rubbing Chris's arm) Of course, that ...wouldn't be my number one choice.
(Chris kicks the chair away from underneath him. The guard outside jumps up)
MARY BETH: Hey, you've got slippery floors in here! You ought to do something about that.
CHRISTINE: (to him on the floor) I gonna put out the word that you tried to set up the blacks, Eddie. You'll be a big hit in Attica. They're gonna be calling you 'The Queen of Soul'.
EDDIE 'CLEANHEAD' STUTZ: (shouting) You watch your mouth, lady!!!
[Detectives' Squad room]
ISBECKI: Bermuda, huh?! How did you swing that?
CHRISTINE: Can you believe it? Some lousy extradition detail. It's lousy. I don't know, Victor. Maybe they couldn't get anybody else to go. I'm so depressed. Boy, am I depressed.
ISBECKI: They didn't ask me. I would have gone.
CHRISTINE: Well, the City probably couldn't get along without you for three days, Victor.
(Mary Beth is already there)
SAMUELS: Sit down, Cagney. I've got some news for the both of yous.
MARY BETH: Huh?
CHRISTINE: Good news, Lieutenant?
SAMUELS: Well, Knelman just called while you were at Rikers. And he thought that you two would like to be the first to know.
MARY BETH: Know what, sir?
SAMUELS: That the department was negotiating a reasonable settlement with the Patterson family.
MARY BETH: Oh, that is good news, sir.
SAMUELS: Was good news. The settlement claim has doubled.
CHRISTINE: Fourteen ...million ...dollars!
SAMUELS: As a result of your investigation. The Patterson attorney talked to one, Vincent Gotti. Citing you report, Mr. Gotti is gonna testify he could spot that the kid's ID was fake. So how come the NYPD couldn't? Huh? Also the attorney wants to discuss a statement that you made to Mr. Patterson.
MARY BETH: Statement, sir?
SAMUELS: Yeah. Something about 'No amount of money could compensate for his tragedy'. And that the Department acted 'stupidly'.
CHRISTINE: So what does the Patterson lawyer want with us?
SAMUELS: He'll explain that to you in court tomorrow.
MARY BETH: Tomorrow, sir, in court?
SAMUELS: Mm hm.
CHRISTINE: But, Lieutenant, we're gonna be in Bermuda tomorrow.
SAMUELS: Knelman understands that you can't be in two places at once. So he will be sending two other officers to Bermuda. Apparently there was no choice. They're volunteers.
CHRISTINE: I don't believe it.
SAMUELS: Believe it. He wants the two of yous on the Midtown pickpocket case.
MARY BETH: Street duty, sir.
SAMUELS: 34th Street. Nine to five.
CHRISTINE: But I bought a bikini.
SAMUELS: Bikini? Trade it in for a parka. Weather report still says sleet.