Two Grand
Original Airdate: March 4, 1985

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (into phone) I'm sorry, ma'am, we have not been able to recover it. ...We've checked the inventory of the codicil's property, ma'am.
COLEMAN: (to Petrie about a small gift-wrapped box on Chris's desk) I don't know. Maybe it's chocolates.
MARY BETH: (into phone) No, no, we're not giving up.
COLEMAN: Yeah, that's how a letter bomb looks.
COLEMAN: It's even got a note on it.
PETRIE: (laughing) We'd better not rattle it?
MARY BETH: (to Petrie and Coleman) Will you hold it down, please. (into phone) Yes, ma'am, I'm here.
(Chris comes in and goes to sign in. Petrie goes to look at the attached card)
MARY BETH: (to Petrie) Ah, ah! (into phone) I'm sorry...
CHRISTINE: Maybe it's some guy that Cagney shot down. What do you think?
PETRIE: More than likely.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Yes, Ma'am, I have the serial number right here on my desk. ...I'll let you know. ...Yeah, I got it. ...Thank you.
(she rings off)
CHRISTINE: (seeing the box) Oh!
MARY BETH: You've got a present. Delivered by messenger. The 'Bomb Squad', here, are deciding if it's safe for you to open.
CHRISTINE: (to Petrie and Coleman) Oh, thank you, guys.
COLEMAN: Hey, think nothing of it.
MARY BETH: Thank you, guys.
CHRISTINE: (shaking the box near her ear) It's too much.
MARY BETH: Thank you, guys. (Petrie and Coleman reluctantly walk away) What's on the card?
CHRISTINE: It says 'Until tonight'.
MARY BETH: No signature?
CHRISTINE: I think it's from ...Steve.
MARY BETH: Who's Steve?
CHRISTINE: Steve Hollister. You remember the banker I met while skiing. We're having dinner tonight.
MARY BETH: Oh, that was very nice of him.
CHRISTINE: Oh, he is sweet. (opening the box and laughing out loud) Oh, my God!!
MARY BETH: What? ...Let me see.
CHRISTINE: Look at this.
(it is a diamond and sapphire teardrop pendant)
MARY BETH: Are they real?
CHRISTINE: Feels real to me. Oh, this is ridiculous.
MARY BETH: Oh, what's the matter? Is it not the right size?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, I can't take this.
MARY BETH: I agree with you. Hold out for the yacht.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, I have not even been out with this man.
SAMUELS: Cagney! Lacey!
MARY BETH: Good morning, sir.
SAMUELS: Morning. You two guys are up next. Jewellery shop, Fairbanks Towers Hit last night.
MARY BETH: Fairbanks Towers, that's the place on First and 4th, isn't it?
SAMUELS: That's it. Vamoose!
MARY BETH: Yes sir. (getting their coats) So, Steve Hollister, is he that rich?
CHRISTINE: I didn't think so. Hard to tell or see through him.

[Jewellery shop]

(Mark Myers, the shop assistant is showing the duo around)
MYERS: (putting to his hands towards a display case) We had a beautiful gold enamel piece in here. Went for about six thousand plus tax.
MARY BETH: Ah, ah! Fingerprints.
MYERS: I know. I'm sorry. I keep forgetting. (he gets out a handkerchief) You see, what I can't understand is how is how they got past the sensors and things.
CHRISTINE: Well, Mr. Myers, where do you keep your sensors ...and things?
MYERS: They're over here. Would you like to see them?
CHRISTINE: Why don't we follow you?
MYERS: Would you mind? (as he bumps into Mary Beth) Sorry. Everything came up fine this morning. No pictures on the video monitors. No alarms set off. Nothing!
CHRISTINE: What about the time locks?
MYERS: Open. But I don't see how. I mean obviously somebody made them think it was timed to open. Now there was an acetylene torch, but it wasn't even used to open the display case.
MARY BETH: This is very impressive equipment, Mr. Myers. And you're the only one who knows how to operate it?
MYERS: Me? Oh goodness gracious. No. I don't know the first thing about it.
CHRISTINE: So who does?
MYERS: Well, the man from the company takes care of the actual nuts and bolts. I just er, flip the switches.
MARY BETH: OK. Well, we're gonna want to do an inventory here.
MYERS: I've been in retail all my life. I could help you with the inventory.
MARY BETH: Give us a little time and you relax. We'll let you know.
MYERS: Let me know if you need any help.
MARY BETH: Don't touch anything.
(he waves the handkerchief)

[Jewellery shop office]

(Mary Beth brings in the acetylene torch)
CHRISTINE: How could somebody so smart to get through a state-of-the-art security hardware without a peep, leave us so many clues.
MARY BETH: You noticed that, huh?
(they are bagging up exhibits)
CHRISTINE: Honest to God, I've never in my career seen such an assortment of physical evidence.
MARY BETH: Well, the torch maybe traceable. It has what appears to be a perfect thumbprint just there.
CHRISTINE: Good. This is the tie tag that fell on the floor near the vault. And a piece of paper with a number written on it. It was crumpled up in the corner. Myers doesn't recognise it.
MARY BETH: (looking at Myers) What's your opinion of Myers?
CHRISTINE: You mean an inside job? (they snigger) I doubt it. I think the poor man has trouble tying his shoes.
MARY BETH: Yeah. So we'll wait for the forensic report. Yeah?

[Precinct House front desk]

COLEMAN: How's it going with Isbecki on vacation?
PETRIE: Quiet.
COLEMAN: Five days alone with Bon Bon is an awesome vacation. Bet she comes back with a fake tan.
PETRIE: She'll need a large bottle of St. Tropez.
COLEMAN: I wonder if that's enough.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (into phone) No, Ma'am. Not yet. ...What did you remember? ...You spotted a rosebud on the back of the toaster oven. ...Yeah, I saw the picture. ...Well, thank you for your call, Mrs. Valente. ...I'll call back soon as I have something. Yes. ...Bye now.
CHRISTINE: Why does she keep asking up about that damned toaster oven?
MARY BETH: Well, we kind of got friendly. She doesn't how to make anything since she had that toaster oven so I gave her a couple of recipes.
MARY BETH: Such a tough cop.
SAMUELS: (coming out of his office and shouting) Your attention! I have an announcement to make. I am pleased to report that the Fairbanks Towers caper is solved.
CHRISTINE: Solved?!!! Who did it?!
SAMUELS: We did!
MARY BETH: I beg your pardon, sir?
SAMUELS: We knocked over the Fairbanks Towers. We did. The whole Fourteenth Squad. The entire Fourteenth Squad. We did it! According to the forensic report just delivered to me right now, we did it! Every bit of evidence can be traced to this Squad. For example, the acetylene torch traced by purchase order, delivered to one, M. B. Lacey. And the number on the wadded up piece of paper turns out to be a payroll number of the NYPD belonging to Ronald Coleman. And the desk clerk at the Fairbanks Towers has one signature in his signing book that he cannot account for and the name is Marcus Petrie! And the thumbprint? Well, they ran that through the R and I computer, and guess what? It didn't turn up a known felon. It turned up, Victor Isbecki, Detective, Third-grade of the Fourteenth Squad!
PETRIE: Isbecki had an alibi. He's on vacation.
SAMUELS: Oh, no, what?! Oh no. You've got nothing to worry about. You're the only one who's not implicated!
CHRISTINE: Is there a tear-drop pendant on the inventory, Lieutenant?
CHRISTINE: Oh, could I see it, please.
MARY BETH: Well, what about the tie tag?
SAMUELS: It's mine!! And it was given to me by the Commissioner himself at my ten-year party.
COLEMAN: I was there.
CHRISTINE: I have something.
CHRISTINE: It was a present.
SAMUELS: (taking the pendant from Chris) Where did you get that?!
COLEMAN: It came by messenger.
CHRISTINE: I don't know.
MARY BETH: Sir, there has to be some kind of an explanation, ...sir.
SAMUELS: Yes, there's an explanation! Somebody is out there trying to make us look like a bunch of monkeys.
CHRISTINE: Albert Grand.
CHRISTINE: That's who it is. It's Albert Grand! Who else would have thought this whole thing up and pulled it off!
SAMUELS: (disbelievingly) Albert Grand?
CHRISTINE: It's gotta be! Who else would have the unmitigated do it.
SAMUELS: Well, go find out! (to the assembled Squad) Go find out!! All of you! Now!!!
CHRISTINE: (smiling to herself) He's back.
(later that night)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Ah, yeah, I'll hold. (calling out) Who's got the file?
MARY BETH: Right here.
(Mary Beth hands her Albert Grand's file)
PETRIE: While you're holding. This was on my desk.
CHRISTINE: Why, it's my appointment book. I've been looking all over for this. (into phone) I'm sorry. What? ..Yeah. OK. Let's go. ...On the twenty-third?! ...All right. Thanks.
MARY BETH: Is it a go?
CHRISTINE: Interpol has a positive sighting of Albert Grand in Egypt.
MARY BETH: Well, that rules him out.
DETECTIVE: Maybe it's old information.
CHRISTINE: He's suspected of being behind a burglary at the Metropole Hotel in Cairo last night.
DETECTIVE: Well, that proves he's still active.
CHRISTINE: I don't believe it. Albert Grand is the only man in the world who can be in two places at the same time and I'll lay you ten to one it's him.
COLEMAN: Twenty to one and you've got yourself a bet.
MARY BETH: I suggest we call it a night and come back fresh tomorrow. (Chris leaps up and goes to sign out) Have a nice night tonight, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, thanks. Wait 'til I tell Steve Hollister he wasn't the big spender I thought he was.


(Chris is finishing an ice cream sweet)
CHRISTINE: I mean the thing about Albert Grand is he's the absolute last of the great ones. He's world class. I can't help it. I can feel it in my guts I know he's here.
HOLLISTER: I can see that.
CHRISTINE: Can you imagine the audacity of this man? To implicate the detectives who are going to get the case.
HOLLISTER: Christine.
HOLLISTER: Look. This is our first date. Right?
HOLLISTER: When I was thinking about how this evening was going to turn out, I was imagining talking to each other about our families, where we went to school, what kind of movies we liked. You know, the sort of things that interest one another. It's not that I'm not interested in police work. I am. It's just that you do talk about other things too. Right?
CHRISTINE: Yes. I'm sorry Steven. I do tend to get a bit compulsive, but I promise you as of this very moment I am officially off duty.
(Chris turns and looks across the restaurant and sees Albert Grand sitting in a low balcony area, looking at her. He raises a glass and smiles. Steve realises she has seen somebody because she smiles to herself)
CHRISTINE: Excuse me.
HOLLISTER: Of course.
CHRISTINE: Would you excuse me for just one moment.
HOLLISTER: Of course.
CHRISTINE: I have to go over and arrest somebody.
GRAND: (getting up and holding out his hand) Christine, my dear. How splendid to see you again.
CHRISTINE: (shaking his hand) Hello, Mr. Grand.
GRAND: Albert!
CHRISTINE: What's going on?
GRAND: May I pour you a of champagne?
CHRISTINE: I didn't come here to have a glass of champagne.
GRAND: Oh dear. But you're not on duty, are you?
CHRISTINE: How did you know I was going to be here? ...My appointment book! You grabbed it when you were setting up the Fairbanks Towers job.
GRAND: Won't you sit down? ...Just for a moment, please. I think you'd find this vintage ...rather amusing.
CHRISTINE: Thank you. (they sit down) You are under arrest. (he nods) You have the right to remain silent. Should you give up the right to remain silent...
GRAND: Silence is fundamentally boring. Wouldn't you agree?
CHRISTINE: Did you hear what I said?
GRAND: Perfectly, my dear. I still can hear quite well, but I must confess I'm a little confused. Whatever would you arrest me for?
CHRISTINE: The Dunhill Hotel job for openers. (holding up her forefinger and thumb) I was just this close to getting you. You said so yourself. So I'm going to take you in for it now.
GRAND: Does that mean you've uncovered some new evidence in the case?
CHRISTINE: All right. I'm gonna take you in for questioning regarding the Fairbanks Towers job last night.
GRAND: Well, the evidence in that case would seem to lead in other directions, wouldn't you say?
CHRISTINE: How would you know that if you weren't involved?
GRAND: Christine, you wouldn't put a man my age through such an inconvenience without something more specific than, shall we say, ...a grudge.
CHRISTINE: I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to take you downtown just the same. You may have handcuffs or not.
GRAND: Perhaps I missed something. What was the specific charge again?
CHRISTINE: There's some people who'd like to see you about Cairo.
GRAND: Very good, my dear. First class.
CHRISTINE: Thank you. Shall we?

[Detectives Squad room]

(Chris and Steve Hollister follow Albert Grand in)
SAMUELS: Cagney!
CHRISTINE: Lieutenant, what are you doing here?!
(a smartly dressed man with a briefcase is with Samuels and shakes Albert Grand's hand)
FARNSWORTH: Always a pleasure, Albert. I was summoned here. Did she say the arrest words?
GRAND: She started to, but we dispensed with the formalities.
SAMUELS: Detective Cagney, this is Mitchell Farnsworth, Mr. Grand's attorney.
CHRISTINE: How did his attorney get here? He hasn't even made a phone call yet!
FARNSWORTH: Detective.
HOLLISTER: Steve Hollister, the other person in the room?
CHRISTINE: (surprised, points to Steve) This is my date.
FARNSWORTH: Here Albert, sign this.
CHRISTINE: Wait a minute. ...Wait a minute! ...Lieutenant?
(Samuels mouths 'No')
FARNSWORTH: Now, if there's nothing further, Lieutenant?
SAMUELS: No. You're free to go Mr. Grand.
CHRISTINE: Wait a second. Wait one second! I have something further! I have some questions that I'd like to ask.
FARNSWORTH: No, I'm afraid you haven't.
CHRISTINE: Well, I'm afraid I have. Because there is a current Interpol APB out on this man.
SAMUELS: Cagney!
FARNSWORTH: This is Mr. Grand's passport. The Customs and Immigration stamp clarifies that he entered this country the day before the unpleasantness at the Metropole in Cairo.
GRAND: I'm so sorry for causing such a fuss. Might I make it up to you? And take you out for that glass of champagne. And your friend too, naturally.
CHRISTINE: No thank you.
HOLLISTER: Another time, thank you.
GRAND: (to Farnsworth) Fit? (they start to leave. Albert Grand turns to Chris) In that case, au revoir. Goodbye, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Hollister, give us one second, will ya? Cagney, I want this guy. I am putting the whole Squad on it. He is not gonna make us look like a bunch of monkeys. He's on our turf and this time he's not walking out of here with full pockets. Do you hear me?!
CHRISTINE: Yes, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: So what are you standing around here for? Follow him!
HOLLISTER: An arresting date so far. So where we going now?
CHRISTINE: Oh, Steve, I'm so sorry. I've gotta follow him. Do you mind terribly if I grab me a cab?
HOLLISTER: Oh, come on, it's gonna be fun.
CHRISTINE: I can't take you with me on a tail!
GRAND: (coming back in) Oh, it's just occurred to me, my dear, that you might want to follow me. Seeing that the hour is so late, I thought I'd save you a lot of bother. I'm at the Fairbanks Towers, suite thirty-four A. (leaving) Good night.
HOLLISTER: That guy's some piece of work

[Chris's loft]

(Chris returns that night to find a small gift-wrapped box, a lit candle and an orchid on her table and a wine bottle in a cooler beside it. She picks up the orchid, then inspects the bottle and then opens the box and opens the jewel case it contains and holds its contents up to the light of the candle. She then takes the jewel case into better light and whistles. She notices there is a message on her answer-phone and presses the rewind button. She looks closely at the diamond-encrusted pin-brooch the jewel case contains. She presses the play button)
GRAND: (on answer-phone) Christine, I hope you enjoy the wine. And please keep the pin. It's perfectly all right. The Statute of Limitations ran out years ago.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Chris is reading a book)
PETRIE: (sitting down beside Mary Beth's desk and giving her a file) Here's another one of them.
MARY BETH: He looks cute.
PETRIE: He was part of the Socking Valley job. The driver.
MARY BETH: I'll add him to the list.
PETRIE: (to Chris) Are we disturbing you?
CHRISTINE: I'm re-reading his book.
PETRIE: Do you think you're gonna trip him up by reading his book?
CHRISTINE: Well, legwork isn't gonna catch Albert Grand. We did that last time. Remember?
PETRIE: (to Mary Beth) Oh, by the way I've run down five of the fences he's used in the past.
MARY BETH: Tell me good news.
PETRIE: Three in jail, one in Switzerland, one's become a born-again Christian.
(Coleman comes in with a woman)
COLEMAN: Excuse me everyone. Miss. Le Chocolat, here, is looking for Detective Isbecki.
MARY BETH: Is there something the matter, Miss. Le Chocolat?
BON BON: Well, I've been trying to reach Victor since Monday ...and his phone doesn't answer and he's not in his apartment.
BON BON: I'm awfully worried. ...Did er, something happen to him?
PETRIE: Victor? ...To Victor.
BON BON: You know. Was he wounded in action? I mean if there's something that I should know...
MARY BETH: Miss. Le Chocolat, please sit down. As far as we know, Victor is er...
PETRIE: ...undercover. He's working undercover. ...Yeah.
BON BON: You mean he's OK?
PETRIE: It's er, a very sensitive operation. We don't even know where he is. It's top secret.
BON BON: Oh. ...Thank God!! ...I'm sorry. ...I just er... Victor being a cop and all. ...You can worry.
(Mary Beth nods in agreement)
PETRIE: Of course. As soon as he's finished with his assignment, I'm sure Victor will be in touch.
BON BON: Thank you.
MARY BETH: (to Bon Bon as she leaves) Take it slow.
BON BON: Thank you very much.
MARY BETH: (giving Petrie a slap on the arm) You cannot lie to that woman like that.
PETRIE: What are partners for? ...I'll shoot him.
CHRISTINE: Why is Isbecki telling everybody he's going to The Bahamas with Bon Bon?
MARY BETH: I have no idea, Christine. ...What did you do with that brooch that Albert Grand gave you.
CHRISTINE: It's part of the loot from a robbery in fifty-five. It's being returned to the estate.
MARY BETH: Why doesn't he just buy you something?
CHRISTINE: Because he's Albert Grand!
SAMUELS: We've got another jewellery job.
MARY BETH: Where, sir?
SAMUELS: Offices of The van der Voort Company.
CHRISTINE: South African diamond mines?
SAMUELS: Yeah. Let's just hope we didn't do this one too.

[The van der Voort Company office]

HERMANN: They asked for these papers. It is most important. The two officers outside were not helpful.
MARY BETH: Another thing that might be helpful is if we figure out who did it. Am I right, sir?
HERMANN: Yes. Of course.
CHRISTINE: They really kind of messed up this place, didn't they, Mr. Hermann?
HERMANN: There's very little of value left out here. This is a list of the missing items. Fortunately the only good piece in the office was in my private safe.
CHRISTINE: Oh, we'd like to take a look at that safe, if you don't mind? ...Even if you do mind. ...Thank you.
(Hermann, opens a cupboard door and looks nervously over his shoulder as he dials the safe's combination)
HERMANN: You see. That tiara is worth about three hundred and fifty thousand dollars American. I only had it out to show a buyer.
MARY BETH: (as Hermann close the cupboard door) Security telephone? Right?
MARY BETH: A handy place for it. So as far as you can tell this morning this safe had not been tampered with?
HERMANN: Correct.
MARY BETH: And all the damage was outside.
MARY BETH: What time did you...
CHRISTINE: (looking at a book on the desk) "Diamonds Are Forever" by Ian Fleming. New York Public Library, Main Branch. This belong to you?
HERMANN: Certainly not! I don't know where that came from.
CHRISTINE: (putting the book in an evidence bag) Albert Grand left it.

[Samuels' office]

(La Guardia is sitting there)
SAMUELS: Cameras didn't record. No alarms were tripped. Sensors under the carpets didn't register!
MARY BETH: It's a mystery, sir. All that was taken was a couple of hundred bucksworth of display merchandise.
SAMUELS: Well, why take all that trouble and not take the diamond tiara!
MARY BETH: Cagney thinks it was the calling card. Like the book which she's running down now.
SAMUELS: Well, how many calling cards does he think we need?! We know he did all this!
MARY BETH: I don't know, sir.
CHRISTINE: (coming in) The library card is a no go. the lendee left a Post Office box number in the name of R. Sen Lou Penn.
(La Guardia chuckles)
LA GUARDIA: That's Albert Grand all right.
SAMUELS: Well, did I miss something or what?
LA GUARDIA: Arsene Lupin. "Gentleman Burglar". Super sleuth. Creation of the French writer, Maurice Le Blanc.
MARY BETH: Must be this man's sense of humour.
SAMUELS: Oh so where's that list of his movements.
MARY BETH: Under your right hand, sir.
SAMUELS: All right, so we know he is staying at a luxury suite at the Fairbanks Towers. Got a haircut and a manicure and then he went to Tiffany's. (Chris looks up) It's all right. Forget it. He was only there five minutes. Then he went to a doctor's office on Park.
CHRISTINE: Went to a doctor's office?
MARY BETH: I looked him up. General internal medicine.
SAMUELS: But did you talk to him?!!!
MARY BETH: I tried to, sir. He said he said he adopted doctor-patient confidentiality. We'd have to have a court order. If we could ever get one. But maybe it was just a regular check-up. You know the man is over seventy years old.
SAMUELS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. But then! He goes to Bloomingdale's.
SAMUELS: That's right. Oh, oh. Because that is where we apparently lost him. Until he returns to Fairbanks Towers a horse-drawn handsome cab! No less!!
LA GUARDIA: In that time he could have been anywhere, seen anybody.
SAMUELS: Do want to arrest him?
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
SAMUELS: I am sick and tired of being one step behind this guy!!! We've got a twenty-four hour watch on him. At least we're supposed to and then he goes to Bloomingdale's and gives the slip. Just like that!!! Huh? This guy's laughing at us. I'm gonna call Knelman. Ask for more men.
CHRISTINE: No!! It wouldn't be of any help.
SAMUELS: No?!! So go on out there and find something that does help!!!
MARY BETH: Yes sir.

[Chris's loft]

(having looked through a copy of "Gentleman Burglar" Chris looks at the library card in "Diamonds Are Forever". The due-date date is FEB 28 1985. In trying to get the card back in its pocket she finds a piece of paper with 2000 on it. She picks up another book by Maurice Le Blanc called "Eight Strokes of the Clock", showing a clock face at eight o'clock on it's dustcover. She takes the library card out again and the piece of paper, looks at her watch, picks up "Diamonds are Forever" and Albert Grand's book, her handbag and coat, and goes out)

[New York Public Library, Main Branch]

(Chris comes into a large library room. Albert Grand is sitting at a table laid for two. A waiter stands by and a string quartet is playing)
GRAND: (getting up) My dear Christine, (kissing her hand) I'm so glad you could come.
CHRISTINE: It was so kind of you to invite me. And so very clever. Twenty hundred hours, eight strokes on the clock, due-date.
GRAND: I knew you could put it together. You're a very talented lady, my girl. Champagne?
CHRISTINE: Of course. Thank you. (to the waiter as they sit down) Hello. (to Albert Grand) I'm afraid I didn't dress for the occasion.
GRAND: Oh, that's very smart. I like your colours. Would you like them to play something else?
CHRISTINE: Oh, not at all. It's lovely.
GRAND: Beethoven. Rasumosky, Opus 59, number one, the adagio. (they toast each other) I must confess, I'm a bit disappointed. (taking some caviar) I heard from a friend of mine that you'd sent the pin back. I hope it wasn't because you didn't like it?
CHRISTINE: Oh, not at all. (taking the caviar from Albert Grand) On the contrary, it's just a little idiosyncrasy of mine. I had to return it because it was stolen.
GRAND: Such a long time ago. And the insurance company paid up promptly. So you see. it's the way of the world. Nobody got hurt a bit.
CHRISTINE: Except, of course, for the insurance company!
GRAND: But, my dear, that's what they're there for.
CHRISTINE: Look, I mean, you think I see you as some modern day Robin Hood. The problem is that Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor. You, on the hand, steal from everybody and keep everything.
GRAND: I do not steal from everybody! I have certain standards.
CHRISTINE: That was you in Cairo, wasn't it?
GRAND: Mm hm. Christine, you're so good at this police business. The best I've ever come across! I think ...if you had chosen my way of life, you would have done rather well, wouldn't you?
CHRISTINE: Why are you doing this? ...I mean, if you're up to something, which obviously you are, why do you things like this, why don't you silently disappear without a trace?
GRAND: I suppose it's not unlike a concept of Knight's Odds in chess.
CHRISTINE: I'm afraid I'm not a chess player.
GRAND: But you are, my dear. You are! You're one of the best ones I've ever played with.
CHRISTINE: Oh. (picking up "Diamonds Are Forever" from her lap) About this. You wouldn't want an overdue library book on your record.
GRAND: I'll send the card.
CHRISTINE: I've brought your book too.
CHRISTINE: Maybe you'd to sign it for me.
GRAND: I'd be delighted to!
CHRISTINE: I enjoyed it very much.
GRAND: It's a little outdated, ...although ...chapter eleven holds up rather well, I believe.
CHRISTINE: (looking inside the front cover) Thank you for the inscription. And you're under arrest.
GRAND: Oh dear. I agree the writing is atrocious. I didn't think it was criminal.
CHRISTINE: I'm placing you under arrest for breaking and entering after business hours to the Public Library.
(he takes out a sheet of paper and gives it to her)
CHRISTINE: You rented the Public Library!!!
GRAND: I only rented this one room.
CHRISTINE: I've never heard of anything like this before.
GRAND: It's only a trifle! Easily arranged. Now Christine, I'm going to give you something, I mean something you felt you could keep.
CHRISTINE: Albert! Why don't you just buy me something.
GRAND: What a quaint idea.
(they chink glasses and drink)

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: Good morning, Sergeant.
COLEMAN: Good morning, Lacey. Somebody waiting to see you in the interview room.
MARY BETH: It's not Mrs. Valente about her toaster oven, is it?
COLEMAN: It's Bon Bon.
MARY BETH: Thanks.

[Interview room]

BON BON: (tearfully) He's not undercover, is he? He always said you were the straightest in the precinct. ...I mean, you would never lie. They made up that story, didn't they?
MARY BETH: Miss. Le Chocolat, ...I don't know where Victor is, but I'm sure there is a good reason that he didn't tell you.
BON BON: Well, is it someone he works with?
BON BON: It's the blonde, right?
MARY BETH: Believe me, Miss. Le Chocolat, there is nothing ...between Victor Isbecki and my partner.
BON BON: I hate him!!
MARY BETH: I'm sure you do. (handing Bon Bon a tissue) Here.
BON BON: Big ...dumb ...Polish ...cop.
MARY BETH: Sure he is.
(Mary Beth pats Bon Bon reassuringly)

[Precinct front desk office]

(Chris comes in reading Albert Grand's book)
COLEMAN: I'm just cute, Cagney. What do you want?
CHRISTINE: You're a gambler, right?
COLEMAN: A nickel here, a dime there. So what?
CHRISTINE: What does it mean to give Knight's Odds in a chess game?
COLEMAN: It's a handicap. Like in golf. One player starts the game with one or both of his knights off the board.
COLEMAN: It's something a master player might offer in a match if he were playing a lesser player.

[Ladies room]

(Chris comes crashing in to find Mary Beth]

CHRISTINE: A lesser player!!!
MARY BETH: Good morning, Christine. (Chris slams the door) What are you talking about?
CHRISTINE: He offered me Knight's Odds!! He's toying with me, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Knight's Odds? Who?
CHRISTINE: Albert Grand! (she kicks the used paper towel bin) Do you know what he did? He rented a room in the Public Library and hired a string quartet and then he lured me there.
CHRISTINE: Last night.
MARY BETH: Last night?
CHRISTINE: It was all very civilised, Mary Beth. Albert Grand is nothing if not civilised. He had champagne, he had caviar and he had Beethoven. And he did all that just to test me. To give me Knight's Odds!
MARY BETH: Christine, let me understand this. Now you met Albert Grand last night in New York City Public Library?
CHRISTINE: Right! And I've been up all night reading that damn book of his again. I know there's something in it. He let something drop about chapter eleven. I sure can't find it. Knight's Odds!!! Me!!
MARY BETH: (as Chris goes to rush out) Christine, Christine! You're not making much sense. Now I want you to sit down and take a deep breath.
CHRISTINE: I don't need a breath!
MARY BETH: Sit down! In and out. ...Slow. ...OK. Start again.
CHRISTINE: (leaping up) Chapter eleven. He talks about the best fakers and the magic tricks, when the eye is looking over here and the real thing is happening over there. Or more likely the real thing's already happened and there's really nowhere to look.
MARY BETH: You mean the rabbit's already in the hat, Chris?
CHRISTINE: I love magic tricks.
MARY BETH: You know, Harve had an uncle who used to do magic tricks. He'd make eggs come out of his mouth and find coins in your ear. It was great. (Chris suddenly has a look of realisation come over her face) ...Well, it wasn't to Uncle Lenny.
CHRISTINE: You just gave me an idea. You did! Come on, come on!
(Chris rushes out. Mary Beth goes to the mirror to adjust her dress. Chris rushes back)
CHRISTINE: Come on!!
MARY BETH: I'm coming.

[Samuels' office]

PETRIE: Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Oh, good morning, Petrie. (setting his microwave) I wanna tell ya these new gizmos are really something. A minute and forty seconds and you get hot waffles.
PETRIE: Claudia's parents gave us one last Christmas. Makes things a lot easier with Lauren. Er. Lieutenant, I'm worried about Isbecki.
SAMUELS: Isbecki? What for? Isn't he enjoying himself in The Bahamas with his stripper? What's her name?
PETRIE: Bon Bon. Well, that's what he told everyone, but er, the thing is she showed up here looking for him.
SAMUELS: Oh, ho. Yeah. You think maybe he's got a little something on the side?
PETRIE: No, no, I wouldn't have thought so.
SAMUELS: Well, anyway Petrie, his personal life is his own business. Right?
PETRIE: Yes sir. I don't think he's in The Bahamas, Lieutenant, I think he's in the hospital.
SAMUELS: Hospital!!!
PETRIE: (giving Samuels a sheet of paper) I found this in his inbox.
SAMUELS: 'Authorisation for Medical Insurance Payment for Hospitalisation'. He didn't say something to you about a medical problem, did he?
PETRIE: (shaking his head) I tried calling his apartment. I called his mother. Of course I didn't want to say anything to worry her.
SAMUELS: Hospital?! But why would he make up a story like that about The Bahamas?
PETRIE: I have no idea, sir.
SAMUELS: Do you know which hospital?
PETRIE: Not yet, but I'd like to run a check.
SAMUELS: Phew, Well, I guess you'd better do that. Let me know what you find out, will ya.
PETRIE: Thank you, Lieutenant.

[The van der Voort Company office]

HERMANN: (as Chris opens the cupboard door to Hermann's private safe) Wait! Please.
(he dials the safe's combination making sure the duo can't see it. Chris takes out the tiara and hands it to Hermann)
CHRISTINE: Thank you.
(she takes out the security phone)
HERMANN: It's really quite nifty.
CHRISTINE: Yes. I'm sure it is.
HERMANN: I wish you would not fiddle...
MARY BETH: Mr. Hermann, would you give us a second to work here, right?
(Chris has unscrewed to mouthpiece and holds up a small device)
HERMANN: What is that?
MARY BETH: It's an electronic eavesdropping device. (Chris drops it in an evidence bag) It's a bug.
HERMANN: The shipment.
MARY BETH: What shipment?
HERMANN: I made the arrangements with the couriers for the next shipment of rough diamonds from South Africa on that phone. Too late to change them. The shipment is due in today.
CHRISTINE: For how much?
HERMANN: Six and a half million. (Mary Beth whistles) But they are all diamonds, you see.
MARY BETH: See what, sir?
HERMANN: (pointing to the tiara and getting very agitated) Finished gems. They've got identifying traces. Flaws. Characteristics, like fingerprints. Rough diamonds. That is why the secrecy, the couriers. They're totally untraceable!
CHRISTINE: I see. When is the shipment due today?!
HERMANN: Four-thirty.
MARY BETH: Where?!
HERMANN: Kennedy. Gate thirty-six. Trans-Allied Airlines.
MARY BETH: Thank you.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) Come on, let's go. Let's go!
MARY BETH: Try not to worry, sir.
CHRISTINE: This time we're one step ahead. And this time we're gonna get him.

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: Wait a minute! You're talking about a six and a half million-dollar gamble here?
CHRISTINE: But, Lieutenant, I know I can nail him! I know I can. He told me it was inside the safe door!
SAMUELS: Grand? Grand told you. ...What?!
CHRISTINE: Well, he said that he wanted to give me something. That I could not prove had been stolen. Like er, uncut diamonds.
SAMUELS: That's er, that's a hell of a chance if you want to take it.
CHRISTINE: I know, Lieutenant. That's why I was hoping that maybe you could talk to Deputy Inspector Knelman and he could talk to he airport people and then ...they'd go along with it.
MARY BETH: If we could have Liebowitz and Cross to go with us, you know, if we have to tail him, sir.
SAMUELS: Lacey, would you mind? I want to talk to Cagney alone.
MARY BETH: Certainly, sir.
SAMUELS: Have you got your head screwed on right?
CHRISTINE: I have very strong feelings about this one, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Do you know what he did last time?
CHRISTINE: Yes, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Well, I don't wanna see that happen to you again.
CHRISTINE: But I lost my cool then. It's different now.
SAMUELS: Different, huh? How do you know you're not playing right into this man's hands? He is the best in the world, Cagney. He's the best!
CHRISTINE: I know that, but this time he's given me a leg up! Now, I don't know why he has, but I know I'm gonna nail him. And I'm asking you to give me a shot at it.
(Samuels picks up the phone)

[Kennedy airport customs]

CUSTOMS INSPECTOR: The room you'll be in has a two-way mirror over there. You can use walkie-talkies in there. It's been done before.
MARY BETH: What's the signal?
CUSTOMS INSPECTOR: The moment he gets the courier he'll take off his uniform cap, touches the badge, and then put it back on.
CHRISTINE: The badge?
CUSTOMS INSPECTOR: The insignia. Right this way. The flight's on its final approach.
MARY BETH: Thank you.

[Detectives' Squad room]

PETRIE: (into phone) Room fourteen-oh-nine? ...Thank you. ...Would you please connect me please. ...Victor? ...Oh boy. ...Victor? (Coleman is hovering) ...Victor, don't try disguising your voice. I know it's you. ...Yes. ...Victor, what are you doing in the hospital. ...Yes, Victor, I... ...I do wanna know. ...Listen, I have just spent hours trying to track you down, Victor. ...Yes, I did (as he spots Coleman ear wigging) Hang on a minute. (to Coleman) Sergeant. (to Isbecki) The insurance. ...Yeah, the insurance. Right. ...Ah ha. ...Look, Bon Bon was in here yesterday. ...I ...I told her you were undercover. (Coleman has now crept right up) ...Look, you'll think of something. ...Victor, would you please tell me why you're in the hospital? ...Well, I'm not gonna laugh, Victor. ...Well, no I'm not gonna laugh. ...Victor, I won't laugh! (Coleman has now sat down behind Petrie) ...I... ...Oh you're kidding? (Coleman leans right over behind Petrie) ...Victor, why did you have to go through this whole charade just because of a simple operation? ...Oh. no look. That's nonsense. ...Victor, real men do have haemorrhoids.

[Room with a two-way mirror]

MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) Liebowitz, are you in position?
LIEBOWITZ: (on walkie-talkie) Ten-four.
(the customs officer takes his hat off)
CHRISTINE: There he is.
MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) OK. We have a courier. He's a male Caucasian. Tall, maybe six-four. He's got a beard and glasses, framed. He's got a brown flight bag. You got him?
LIEBOWITZ: (on walkie-talkie) Got him.
(a female customs officer takes her hat off)
MARY BETH: Two couriers?
CHRISTINE: So we'll follow 'em both.
MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) OK. We have a second courier. You stay on the tall guy. We've got a young woman in a yellow slicker, grey scarf.
LIEBOWITZ: (on walkie-talkie) Ten-four.
(another customs officer takes his hat off)
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you follow the fat one. You have Liebowitz follow the girl and Cross can take the tall guy.
MARY BETH: What about you?
CHRISTINE: I've just realised what he was talking about in chapter eleven! About the rabbit being in the hat already in the hat! It's exactly what he said.
MARY BETH: What?!!!
CHRISTINE: It's about the trick having been over before it began!!
MARY BETH: Christine...
CHRISTINE: Would you just follow them?!
MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) Cross, you stay with the tall guy. Liebowitz you take the girl. I'm on a fat man with a fur hat. We've got three of them.

[Fairbanks Towers, suite thirty-four A]

(Chris comes in quietly. A suitcase is standing there. Albert Grand, in pyjamas and dressing gown, appears carrying another heavy suitcase. He spots Chris)
GRAND: I should never have taken my knights off the board for you, my dear.
CHRISTINE: Why, Albert? What about all the calling cards and the Knight's Odds? Why this whole game?
GRAND: I decided to have some fun. What could be more fun than matching ...with the best. ...The best detective I've ever known. It's an old man's ...foolish conceit.
(he goes to pick up the heavy suitcase. Chris relieves him of it and then helps to sit down tiredly on an easy chair and pulls up some blankets. She sits down opposite him)
CHRISTINE: You used the security telephone to change the flight the diamonds came in on, didn't you?
GRAND: (his voice is labouring) Air Afrikaans. A trifle rusty but it suffices.
CHRISTINE: Your doctor visited you, didn't he? We were told he was just a general internist.
GRAND: He is. He's also one of the finest thoracic men in the country. It's just delaying action, at best.
CHRISTINE: So you knew all along.
GRAND: The knowledge that I would never live long enough to face ...jail. It gave me a certain ...freedom.
CHRISTINE: A release?
GRAND: Just a last move for the king before checkmate.
(he has a fit of coughing. Chris pulls his blankets round him)
GRAND: I haven't got enough strength to get dressed.
(he takes Chris's hand and sits her on his lap)
GRAND: And now ...I want to say something to you which I have never said to any police officer on five continents. ...I confess.
CHRISTINE: (beginning to cry) What did you do? Are you a thief?
GRAND: Think of me as an artist, if you can.
CHRISTINE: (trying to laugh) Thank you.
GRAND: And now ...I am so glad that I've known you. I suppose you won't keep these diamonds now that I've confessed. Please. (opening a jewel case with a bracelet in it) To remember me by. ...Please.
CHRISTINE: (taking it) It's beautiful, Albert.
(she snaps the lid shut and gives it back to him)
GRAND: But I bought it!
CHRISTINE: You bought it?!
(she takes off her watch and Albert Grand puts the bracelet on her wrist. He kisses her hand affectionately. She then clenches his hand)

<Back to the episode listing

Cagney & Lacey and related marks are trademarks of Metro Goldwyn Meyer. Copyright 1981, Present. The Cagney & Lacey web pages on this site are for educational and entertainment purposes only. All other copyrights property of their respective holders.