Happily Ever After
Original Airdate: January 14, 1985

[Chris's loft]

(Dory comes in. Chris is wearing silk pyjamas and is sitting at the candlelit table complete with a vase of flowers and with a glass of wine in her hand)
DORY: Hi doll. You look gorgeous.
CHRISTINE: I do my best. ...You're late.
DORY: I'm sorry, I got hung up.
CHRISTINE: (going to the oven) My chicken breasts are probably all dried out.
DORY: You shouldn't have bothered, babe. I told you I'd be late.
CHRISTINE: You've gotta eat.
(she brings the dish to the table and starts to serve it)
DORY: Chris, what would you say if I told you I'm not hungry?
CHRISTINE: I'd say you'd better be kidding!
DORY: Babe, I've been staked out for ten straight hours. You know what that is. Junk Food Central, right?
(she picks up the dish and takes it back to the work surface)
DORY: You're mad?
DORY: OK, I'll eat.
CHRISTINE: That's stupid. You're not hungry. Don't eat.
DORY: (sitting down) That's all right. It looks great.
CHRISTINE: Forget it, Dory.
DORY: Can you freeze it or something?
(she puts the dish in the fridge)
DORY: I'm sorry.
(as she comes back to the table, he grabs her and sits her on his lap)
DORY: Do you know what? ...Why don't I take you to a movie tonight, huh?
CHRISTINE: It's too late to go to a movie. We missed the eight o'clock show.
DORY: (snuggling up) OK. So what should we do? What do you wanna do?
CHRISTINE: I don't care. What do you wanna do?
DORY: I got an idea. ...Why don't we get married? ...Um?

[Entrance hall in Criminal Courts Building]

MARY BETH: It's like Barnum and Bailey up there. They let a major roller like Louis Barber off of a couple of misdemeanours with probation and five hundred dollars. I'm surprised they didn't give him a good citizenship award.
(as somebody holds the door as they come out)
CHRISTINE: Thank you.
MARY BETH: Thank you.

[Outside the Criminal Courts Building]

CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, when you buy a portion of chicken breasts, do you pay to have it deboned at the market or do you take it home and do it?
(Mary Beth stops, Chris goes back) What's wrong?
MARY BETH: That's a very big jump from the sentence on Louis Barber to chicken buying.
CHRISTINE: Well, Louis Barber we can't do anything about. And this was on my mind.
MARY BETH: Chicken buying?
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I made the chicken dish last night and I needed the breasts deboned, but I think that two ninety-nine a pound is a lot to pay for it.
MARY BETH: Well, it not so hard if you have a good knife. If you have a good knife, you break the breastbone and scrape the meat off either side.

[Squad car]

(Mary Beth is driving)
MARY BETH: Chris, you know, the change in you since you settled in with Dory, I would not have believed.
CHRISTINE: What's that supposed to mean?
MARY BETH: It's nice.
CHRISTINE: It's nice?
MARY BETH: Yeah. You seem content, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Dory asked me to marry him.
MARY BETH: He did!!!
(there is the sound of squealing tyres as the car veers all over the road)
CHRISTINE: Slow, Mary Beth!! Slow down!!!
MARY BETH: (shouting out as horns blare) I'm sorry. I'm kind of getting excited here!
CHRISTINE: I didn't say 'Yes' anyway.
MARY BETH: Well, did you turn him down.
CHRISTINE: (still recovering from the scare) Oh.
MARY BETH: What, you turned him down? Did you turn him down?!
CHRISTINE: No. Well, no, not really. I don't know. I haven't thought seriously about ...anything like this since ...eleventh grade. Bruce Molloy.
CHRISTINE: He used to write his name all over my notebook. ...Mrs. Bruce Molloy. Christine and Bruce Molloy. Christine and Dorian McKenna. Oh, my God! Mary Beth...
MARY BETH: You and Mr. McKenna set a date?
CHRISTINE: I told you I didn't say 'Yes'.
MARY BETH: Yeah, but it was as good as a 'Yes', right?
CHRISTINE: Don't tell anybody. OK?
MARY BETH: What's the big secret?
CHRISTINE: Well, I don't know. I think I'd just like to get used the idea myself.
MARY BETH: Well, don't take too long, Christine. I mean, you're thirty-eight years old now. You haven't got all the time in the world.
CHRISTINE: Well, thank you, Mary Beth. Do you think maybe I should buy my cemetery plot now before it's too late.
MARY BETH: Who was one that said she wanted a baby?
POLICE RADIO: ...Park Avenue, shot fired...
CHRISTINE: Did you hear that?!
POLICE RADIO: ...in the vicinity please respond. One oh fifteen, Park Avenue, shot fired.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, turn around!
CHRISTINE: We're in the neighbourhood!
MARY BETH: We're twenty-two blocks away, Christine!
CHRISTINE: Close enough. (into radio) Car four fifty-seven responding. Ten-four.
MARY BETH: I'll turn this car around if I get a chance, if you will tell me every single thing that happened. Come on. What were you wearing and what did he say? ...What did he say, Christine?
CHRISTINE: He just said we didn't have anything else to do. Why didn't we get married?
MARY BETH: Just like that? Just like that, 'Get married'?
CHRISTINE: I answered in the affirmative.
MARY BETH: Oh, that's the cutest thing I heard in my whole life! (blowing the horn) Let's go!

[Entrance hall at 1015 Park Avenue]

BUILDING SUPER: (to a uniformed officer) I didn't hear nothing. I didn't see nothing. You see I was down in the basement fixing the boiler. I mean you can't expect I can hear anything from there, right? Could I go now?
UNIFORMED OFFICER: (to Mary Beth) The victim's name is Wentworth. First name, Cece. She owns the apartment. One bullet shot out of the bedroom window. This is the building superintendent.
BUILDING SUPER: I was down in the basement. I was fixing the boiler. I didn't hear nothing. I mean, I don't know nothing. I swear I don't know nothing. Could I go now?

[Cece Wentworth's apartment]

WOLITZER: If it's just the same to you, detectives, I would rather not press charges.
CECE WENTWORTH: We can't, Robert. It's like giving Preston carte blanche to do it again.
MARY BETH: Who is Preston?
CECE WENTWORTH: My ex-husband. He's been a jealous lunatic ever since I showed him the ring that Robert gave me.
MARY BETH: (looking at the ring) Oh, that's ...very nice. And er, did this Preston threaten you?
CECE WENTWORTH: Er, not exactly. (Chris has found a bullet hole in a window) You see, Preston's the kind of man who returns a book to the library and expects that no one is ever going to take it out again.
MARY BETH: OK. I see. Well, we'll check on him. (writing in her notebook) Mr. Preston Wentworth.
CHRISTINE: It appears that the shot came from the building across the street. Do you know anybody who lives there?
CHRISTINE: Where were the two of you when the shot was fired?
WOLITZER: In here.
MARY BETH: What part of the room, sir?
CECE WENTWORTH: Robert is so gallant. He worries about my reputation. We were in bed.
MARY BETH: You were still asleep at approximately twelve-thirty in the afternoon.
CECE WENTWORTH: Regularly. Robert comes over every afternoon in his lunch hour. (after some knowing looks between the duo) That's what saved us! If we'd been standing up we would have been killed!
MARY BETH: I see. And er, that's er, every afternoon?

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: The ex-husband is in Los Angeles on business. The hotel confirms he's been there since Saturday.
CHRISTINE: Maybe he flew back and forth. Do you wanna a coffee?
CHRISTINE: Well, he's got enough money. ...He could have hired somebody to do his dirty work.
MARY BETH: He could have. But do you know what occurs to me? We never even asked Robert Wolitzer if he had any enemies. Now say he's got a jealous ex-wife or another girlfriend. I'm calling him at his office.
ISBECKI: (to Chris) Cagney, can I ask you something? Can you read this initial.
CHRISTINE: It's Coleman's signature.
ISBECKI: I know, but what's the first initial?
CHRISTINE: It's an N. No it's an M. ... It's a K. I don't know. It could be anything.
ISBECKI: Exactly. Do you know there's not one person in this station outfit that knows Coleman's first name? Not even his initial!
CHRISTINE: Fascinating.
MARY BETH: (coming off the phone) Christine, did you hear Robert Wolitzer tell us that he's a vice-president at Rosenzweig and Sons on Wall Street?
CHRISTINE: (looking at her notebook) Yes, it's right here.
MARY BETH: I've just talked to them. They've never heard of him.

[Escalator in Neufelds department store]

(the duo are coming down)
MARY BETH: How about silver? Have you got silver?
CHRISTINE: Yes, I've my grandmother's service and I never use it. I have my stainless at home and it's perfect.
MARY BETH: How about wine glasses?
CHRISTINE: I have wine glasses.
MARY BETH: Of course you can go for cheaper, you can get like two dozen. This is not the place for wine. I think downstairs we should go because...
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, we're here working.

[Department store credit office]

CHRISTINE: The MVD gave us your address and the super in your building told us that you worked in the credit department here.
MARY BETH: Why did you lie to us Mr. Wolitzer?
WOLITZER: How could I tell you the truth with Cece standing right next to me. You wouldn't tell her anything, would ya.
CHRISTINE: This is a criminal investigation, Mr. Wolitzer. Now I suggest that you sit down and you explain what's going on.
WOLITZER: Well, I er, first met Cece about eleven months er, fifteen days ago. I was walking through the store on my way to lunch. Cece was shopping in Cosmetics. All of a sudden she stops me. She holds up her right wrist and she holds up her left wrist and she asks me which scent do I like better. I said 'Well I said they both smell delicious' And then I added that she was delicious. I can't believe that I actually stood there and said that.
CHRISTINE: What does this have to do with Rosenzweig and Sons?
WOLITZER: Cece Wentworth is the ex-wife of one of the richest men in this whole city. And in no way would she ever be interested in some drone who works in the credit department of Neufelds department store, ever.
MARY BETH: So you lied to her.
CHRISTINE: And you lied to us. That's a crime, falsifying police reports.
WOLITZER: Oh no. (getting up) If I knew it going to come to this...
MARY BETH: Mr. Wolitzer, you've made a very bad start here. Right? Would you like to try again? Do you expect us to just let this go?
CHRISTINE: Maybe this once.
MARY BETH: Maybe. But you're gonna have to start telling us the truth, Mr. Wolitzer.
WOLITZER: Everything! I'll tell you everything. Please don't say anything to Cece. All right?
MARY BETH: Well, you're gonna have to tell her the truth yourself eventually.
WOLITZER: Oh, please, no.
CHRISTINE: Mr. Wolitzer, please stop saying 'Please'. Let me ask you a question. Do you have any enemies who would have fired that shot?
MARY BETH: Ex-wife?
CHRISTINE: Girlfriends?
WOLITZER: No. No. Cece's the first woman that I've ever er, well... And she's the only woman I'll ever love.

[Department store Cosmetics]

CHRISTINE: Do you believe that guy?
MARY BETH: Well, I don't approve of his lying but I thought he was very sensitive, very sweet.
CHRISTINE: Well I didn't buy his act for a minute. I think he made it all up.
MARY BETH: For what purpose?
CHRISTINE: I think he set the whole thing up.
MARY BETH: And did he hire the hit man?
CHRISTINE: First attempt. Robert is there. He takes suspicion right off himself. And the second time, sweet, sensitive Robert is there and she's gonna leave him all her money!
MARY BETH: Oh, I think your very cynical, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Mm hm. Fine. Good. Tomorrow we'll talk to Cece and see who's in her will. (giving Mary Beth a perfume she's been looking at) Do you think Dory would like that?
MARY BETH: No it's too sweet. (picking up another one) I got this for Harve last Christmas. He gave it the mailman!
CHRISTINE: (rushing off) Mary Beth, I forgot Dory's shirts. I was supposed to drop off his shirts. You've gotta get me to an all-night laundry!
MARY BETH: (grabbing Chris and pulling her back) Chris! Chris! look at that! (pointing to a wedding dress) Isn't that lovely? Oh, you have to try that on. Come on. ...Oh, that's perfect. ...No price tags. Christine, this one you have to try on.
CHRISTINE: Oh, come on. I would look ridiculous!
MARY BETH: You would look gorgeous!
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, eighteen year-old virgins wear white dresses with ...daisies.
MARY BETH: Come here! Come and talk to me.
(taking her aside)
MARY BETH: Christine, this is the thing. This is the most important day in your life. No I say to you 'Go all out'.
SALESWOMAN: May I help you?
MARY BETH: Yes! My friend here, she's er, she's getting married.
SALESWOMAN: Well, congratulations. What can I show you?
CHRISTINE: Do you have anything in red?

[Laceys' bedroom]

HARVEY: (getting ready for bed) OK, what's up?
HARVEY: You've got that look on your face, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: What look?
HARVEY: The look when your dying for me to ask you 'What's up?.
MARY BETH: That's scary when you do that, Harve.
HARVEY: (getting into bed) OK, what is it?
MARY BETH: Harve, I promised Christine I wouldn't tell anybody.
HARVEY: Tell what?
MARY BETH: Oh, I'm sure she didn't mean you, Harve. She's getting married.
HARVEY: Dory McKenna.
MARY BETH: Yeah, isn't that terrific!
HARVEY: I don't know. He's OK, I guess. Not to marriage.
MARY BETH: Come on, he cleaned up his act, Harve.
HARVEY: You've gotta go by the track record, Mary Beth. That's what betting patterns are all about.
MARY BETH: He's not a horse, Harve. He deserves a second chance.
HARVEY: He's gonna hurt her.
MARY BETH: Oh, bite your tongue, Harvey!
HARVEY: I'm making a prediction. This one's gonna dump her.
MARY BETH: That's a terrible thing to say.
HARVEY: He's gonna dump her and ...we're gonna be picking up the pieces.
MARY BETH: You don't know that. Everybody said you and I would never last. Look where we are.
HARVEY: Who said that? Your mother's aunt?
MARY BETH: It doesn't matter.
HARVEY: She never like me.
MARY BETH: Harvey!
HARVEY: She didn't.
MARY BETH: It doesn't matter.
HARVEY: She's liked that college jerk, Stewart fella.
MARY BETH: Stewart Barkow. I have not thought about Stewart Barkow in a million years. He was so tall. Stewart. Like Tom Selleck.
HARVEY: Tall! He was a freak, Mary Beth. It was probably his glands. Or there might have been inbreeding in that family. Twenty-eight pound babies. That's what you would have had with Stewart Bar-kow!
(Mary Beth giggles)
HARVEY: All I can say, it's lucky for you I came along.
MARY BETH: You think so, huh?
HARVEY: Yeah, I think so.
MARY BETH: Do you wanna know what I think?
HARVEY: This better be good, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: I think I'm lucky that you came along.

[Squad car]

MARY BETH: ...and I'll make the little sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, Mary Beth. I'm not interested in a hen party. In the first place, who am I gonna invite. I'm no good at that sort of thing. Sitting around with a bunch of housewives talking about the recipes and the school bags.
MARY BETH: Oh no, it's not like that, Christine. We could invite the men too, if that's what you want. It'll be fun.
CHRISTINE: It's embarrassing! It's just an excuse for somebody to give you a present. Same goes for baby showers.
MARY BETH: All right, Christine, it's your life.
MARY BETH: You're only going to do this once, so I suggest you should do it right.
CHRISTINE: That's not necessarily true, Mary Beth. Now I'm getting the hang of it, I may get married, oh, four or five times. Anne Agnew got married six times. The last man she knew was new, right out of college. I saw him. What a boy.
MARY BETH: All right, have it your way. I do hope I can help you to do the wedding right. We went to a wedding. Oh, there were these doves in a net. At the end they let them go. And the couple stood in these two archways with flowers and ribbons on. It was just the cutest thing you ever saw.
CHRISTINE: That's disgusting.
MARY BETH: OK! You can skip the doves.

[Cece Wentworth's apartment]

CECE WENTWORTH: Until this thing is wrapped up I thought that I should have a bodyguard.
(a tall, forbidding, dark man is leaning against the wall)
MARY BETH: Nice to meet ya.
(Chris just raises a finger and smiles)
CECE WENTWORTH: Are you sure it wasn't my ex-husband?
MARY BETH: The thing is, Mrs. Wentworth, we're taking kind of a different direction in our investigation and we were wondering if you could tell us who would benefit from your death.
CECE WENTWORTH: Oh, you mean my money! Er, well I've left it to various charities and medical research.
CHRISTINE: What about the boyfriend? (Mary Beth gives her a disapproving look) Did you leave him anything?
CECE WENTWORTH: Oh, Robert! Ha. He doesn't need my money. ..Oh, wait. (she goes to a cupboard and brings back something) Let me just show you what that precious man sent me yesterday.
CHRISTINE: Oh, Neufelds.
CECE WENTWORTH: Earrings to match the ring.
MARY BETH: Very, very nice.
CHRISTINE: Very generous.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (running up as Samuels comes out of his office putting his jacket on) Lieutenant! We've been waiting to talk to you.
SAMUELS: Well, if this is about Coleman's first name, I don't know.
CHRISTINE: No, Lieutenant, actually it's about the shooting incident.
SAMUELS: Oh, Cagney, let me ask you something. If a gentleman says he's gonna pick you up at seven o'clock, what time do you expect him?
CHRISTINE: Generally, ...seven o'clock.
SAMUELS: On the nose?
CHRISTINE: Well, five minutes after is usually good in case I'm running late.
SAMUELS: All right, so you've got five minutes.
MARY BETH: Oh thank you, sir. We have got no suspects and no leads on the shooting, sir. But right now it looks like it could be an embezzlement from a department store. A Mr. Robert Wolitzer. He works in the credit department of Neufelds department store.
SAMUELS: Detective Lacey, is this a long story?
CHRISTINE: Well, it's a complicated one. The main question is 'Do we stay on it?'.
SAMUELS: Yeah, you stay on it. Only let me warn of one thing. These employee theft cases are a pain in the butt. They take a lot of investigation. They are hard to prove and if even you do make a case, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the store is gonna drop it.
MARY BETH: They're willing to settle for restitution?
SAMUELS: Yeah, that's right. Then they fire the employee. They want the whole thing hushed up, probably because they don't want all the other employees to find out how easy it is to rip the place off. All right, two minutes. Explain to me about the attempted murder.
MARY BETH: Oh, thank you, sir. Well, there this couple and they're in love only he's poor and she is rich and Mr. Robert Wolitzer...
SAMUELS: Ah! Cagney, you do it.
CHRISTINE: No suspects. The ballistics report shows nothing, except an angle indicating that the shot came from a building across the street. Probably a carbine. However the apartment across the street is vacant with everything to suggest that nobody has been there for over a year.
SAMUELS: So, stay with it! ...Gotta go now.
MARY BETH: Have a wonderful evening, sir.
SAMUELS: Oh, thank you.

[Chris's loft]

(she is sitting in bed reading with green mud all over her face. The door opens)
CHRISTINE: Dory! What happened to your stake out?!
DORY: No show.
CHRISTINE: (putting the bedspread over her head) I hate you seeing me like this.
DORY: I've gotta get used to it, huh?
CHRISTINE: (she hears him looking in the fridge) Dory, I haven't done any dinner for ya.
DORY: Well, cheese and crackers'll be fine.
CHRISTINE: No, that's not enough. Do you want me to send out for a pizza?
DORY: Oh, I don't think I could face another pizza. (Chris has cleaned off the green mud) Do you know what I was thinking today?
DORY: We've gotta start looking for a place.
DORY: Yeah, to live.
CHRISTINE: This is a good place to live. I thought you liked it here.
DORY: I do! It's just that we're gonna want something bigger, don't you think?
CHRISTINE: Well, in the city, that's a lot.
DORY: Well, we could move out a little.
CHRISTINE: The suburbs?
DORY: Well, out towards Long Island, or maybe to Jersey. I mean, I know how it sounds, but the reality is you get a lot more space for the money. So why be snobbish?
CHRISTINE: It's not snobbish! It's just so ...far.
DORY: Well, you get used to the commute.
CHRISTINE: It's just so ...married.
DORY: (sitting by her on the bed) It's just something to think about. You know, I mean. It wouldn't kill us to stay here.
CHRISTINE: Oh, you're right. This place is too small for two people.
DORY: I know how much you like it here and we're not gonna rush into any thing. We don't move until we find something we both like.
CHRISTINE: I know, but if you're not comfortable here...
DORY: Will you forget it! We're not even gonna think about it until we come back from the honeymoon. OK?
DORY: We do have to er, put in for vacation though. June is hard to get.
DORY: Yeah. June ...bride. And I thought of the Grand Canyon. Have you ever slept under the stars, Cagney?
CHRISTINE: Camping?! You mean like the girl scouts?
DORY: You don't want to.
CHRISTINE: Well, no. It's not that I don't want to. I'd put in for February. Remember I told you about those reservations for Chamonix
CHRISTINE: The skiing slopes. The Alps. Very romantic. Very...
You don't want to.
DORY: No! Sure! I haven't been skiing in ten years. I broke my collarbone. I was in a body cast for four months. ...Probably is time to try again.
CHRISTINE: Or we could go camping.
DORY: We don't have to decide this minute.
DORY: I missed you. (as he puts his arm round her) I've been thinking about you all day.
(he kisses her)
CHRISTINE: Dory, I'm so tired. I was gonna catch a nap before you came home.
DORY: Yeah, sure, I mean if you're too tired.
CHRISTINE: No, I guess I'm not too tired. I'm not too tired.
DORY: Now come on. Come on. You don't have to explain.
CHRISTINE: No! It's not that I have to have a little sleep. Give me a kiss.
DORY: Look, I know that you are too tired, so forget it. OK?
CHRISTINE: We'll just snuggle?
DORY: Sure.
CHRISTINE: Oh thanks.

[Escalator/sales floor in Neufelds department store]

CHRISTINE: Mr. Wilcox, do have any reason to suspect any recent embezzlements or large-scale employee thefts?
WILCOX: Should I?
MARY BETH: Well, sir, we don't know. That's why we're asking you.
CHRISTINE: Are there any pieces missing from your jewellery department?
WILCOX: Nothing! Absolutely nothing. Since I took over as the head of store security some nine months ago, I've reduced the incidence of employee theft to virtually zero.
CHRISTINE: Ah ha. Well, this is a very large department store, Mr. Wilcox, I don't understand how you can be quite that certain.
WILCOX: As part of my regime I've instituted a computer system that inventories all merchandise and cash down to the last penny. I'm glad to say in the last three months we've been theft-free.
MARY BETH: Mr. Wilcox, I'm sort of a computer illiterate. For my kids it's like two plus two. Anyway you're gonna have to interpret this data for me.
WILCOX: Actually, I can't. It's not my field.
CHRISTINE: How do you know what it says?
WILCOX: I have a computer genius in the credit department. He set the whole system up for me.

[Department store credit office]

WILCOX: Robert, these detectives want to talk to you about your computer program.
WOLITZER: (getting up) I knew it. I knew it. I knew that I would never get away with it.
WILCOX: What! Get away with what!
WOLITZER: I'm sorry, Mr. Wilcox, to have betrayed your trust but frankly it was worth it.
(Wilcox sits down, looking shocked)
MARY BETH: Mr. Wolitzer, please don't say anymore. We have to advise you of your rights.
WOLITZER: I don't wanna be. (putting out his hands) Just take me to jail. Go on! Get it over with!
MARY BETH: Mr. Wolitzer, please. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent...
WOLITZER: I didn't think anybody would get hurt! You know what I mean.
(while Mary Beth continues to read him his rights, he pleads that Cece should not find out)
CHRISTINE: (shouting) Do you wanna zip it up!!! ...Long enough for her to finish.
MARY BETH: ...during questioning. Mr. Wolitzer, do you understand what I've just said to you?
WOLITZER: I wasn't listening.
MARY BETH: (to Chris) You do it.
CHRISTINE: You have the right to remain silent. If you choose to give up the right to remain silent...
(Wilcox is still shocked)

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: (going through the case file) 'Wolitzer, R, W, W.'.
MARY BETH: It's a very sad affair, sir. He did it for love.
MARY BETH: He was afraid his girlfriend wouldn't love him ...unless he could buy her expensive things.
SAMUELS: Would you spare me the bleeding heart, OK, Lacey? Huh? All right. So you say the guy ripped the store off for eighteen thousand dollars. Huh?
CHRISTINE: Well, not exactly, Lieutenant. You see technically he didn't steal anything from the store.
SAMUELS: Well, he got the money from somewhere!
MARY BETH: He's one of those computer-wizard types, sir. What he did is programme the machine so that every time someone returned something to the store he made a little money off of them.
SAMUELS: How did he do that?
CHRISTINE: Well, let's say that I go to Neufelds and I buy a sweater with my charge card. All right? With tax that comes to fifty-four dollars and forty-three cents. So I take it back and say I don't like it, so I wanna return it. Well, our perp, he's got the computer programmed so that when I take it back my account is credited with the fifty-four dollars, but the cute part is that the forty-three cents goes into this dummy account that he's set up for himself.
SAMUELS: Eighteen thousand dollarsworth?!
MARY BETH: He's been doing it almost a year, sir. Every single time a charge item was returned to Neufelds, an amount between one cent and ninety-nine cents was credited to Wolitzer's account.
SAMUELS: So... What are we talking... We're talking thirty, thirty-five thousand victims here!
CHRISTINE: Isn't that terrific! (pointing to Mary Beth and herself) Who else in the precinct can get to crack thirty-five thousand cases in on day!
SAMUELS: All petty theft! My arm is going to go paralysed with stamping the paperwork!
CHRISTINE: Well, that's why we came to you, Lieutenant. What should we do with him?
SAMUELS: You're asking me?
CHRISTINE: You're our superior officer.
SAMUELS: And you always complain I don't give you enough free range. So, you and Lacey, you've been running this one. I'm not gonna tell you what to do with it.
SAMUELS: It's good to talk to you, Lieutenant. Thank you.

[Shopping mall]

(Chris and Dory are sitting on a bench with take-out food and drink)
CHRISTINE: I love you when you have lunch with me. I've gotta get back. I have to be at the store at one-thirty.
DORY: You really do get all the hardball cases, don't you?
CHRISTINE: Hm. How's your day?
DORY: I spoke to my insurance broker this morning. I told him I was gonna get married, ...and I wanted to make you a beneficiary.
DORY: Now, wait, it's complicated. You know, because of the kids. But I wanna make sure that you get something in case that something should happen to me.
CHRISTINE: That's very sweet, Dory. I have my own money. You gotta take care of your kids, and I mean it.
DORY: Trust me Cagney, the kids come first. Not to mention I don't want to leave you enough to tempt some tight-pants, young fortune hunter, you know.
CHRISTINE: Thank you very much.
DORY: But you'll probably get enough to get enough for a terrific dinner out of it.
CHRISTINE: And a decent bottle of wine?
DORY: Well, I don't know. I wouldn't go overboard. Anyway Joe thinks that we should be doing some financial planning.
CHRISTINE: What for?
DORY: Well, let's face it, I'm not bringing as much money into this as you are. I mean, you've got your trust fund. The least that I can do is see that we manage it smarter. ...Hey, don't look at me like that, Cagney! I'm not being a gigolo here. It's just that Joe thinks that we should sit down with this accountant he knows and take a good look at where you've got your money and how we could better make use of it.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I've been doing fine...
DORY: You probably are but we've gotta look to the future. I mean, I'm eligible for retirement in two and a half years, you know.
CHRISTINE: Retirement?!
DORY: Well, it's not that long until yours comes up.
CHRISTINE: I don't wanna retire!
DORY: Well, it doesn't mean that we have to. It's just nice to know that we could work it, you know?

[Squad car]

CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, let me ask you something. What do you know I can do about money?
MARY BETH: Spend it too fast.
CHRISTINE: Thanks. No, I mean, seriously, what do you do with your pay cheque?
MARY BETH: Deposit it in the chequeing account.
CHRISTINE: Joint account?
CHRISTINE: So Harvey can write a cheque for anything he wants?
CHRISTINE: Well, what if he wants to buy something that you thinks stupid?
MARY BETH: We have a fight.
CHRISTINE: That's it?
MARY BETH: Yeah. What else?
CHRISTINE: You mean that when Harvey wasn't working, he kept on writing cheques?
MARY BETH: It's called marriage, Christine. It proves you're together.
CHRISTINE: What about those new, modern marriages? Everybody gets to keep their own money.
MARY BETH: Oh no, it doesn't work. It's like keeping one foot out the door. I mean, God forbid, if there's a problem, you can grab your money and get out fast. No. I say marriage is a commitment. You jump in with both feet. ...You asked me, Christine.

[Wilcox's office]

CHRISTINE: Frankly Mr. Wilcox, we don't feel that this case should go to trial.
WILCOX: Is that right? Because it's difficult? Because it's inconvenient? Because you're lazy? You think a man who stole eighteen thousand dollars should get off scot-free?
CHRISTINE: Just a minute...
MARY BETH: Mr. Wilcox, he has been fired and I'm sure that he will try and make restitution. It's not as if he hasn't been punished already.
WILCOX: No wonder America's going to hell in a handbasket. I'm sure my friend at The Times will find this very interesting. (taking a small tape recorder out of his inside pocket and pressing the record button) According to Detectives Cagney and Lacey, since the case would be difficult to pursue, the store was advised to ignore the theft of nearly eighteen thousand dollars. Just pass it on to the customers. Charge 'em higher prices. That's what the NYPD says. Am I correct?
MARY BETH: Sir, you're making this very difficult.
WILCOX: I certainly hope so. I want this man in jail.

[Manhattan street]

CHRISTINE: That's what I like about this business. You get to meet such nice people.
MARY BETH: Chris, there's been something I've been wanting to ask you and I don't know how to do it.
MARY BETH: Is your brother and sister coming from California? Because I was wondering if you had thought at all about the... You know? About your matron of honour.
CHRISTINE: Well, no.
MARY BETH: If you have somebody else in mind.
CHRISTINE: No, it isn't that.
MARY BETH: If there's somebody else you'd rather have. Listen er...
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, would you stop...
MARY BETH: You're right. You're right, I should never have brought it up. I shouldn't even have mentioned it.
CHRISTINE: No! Of course I want you to be my ...matron of honour. I just haven't even decided on what kind of a wedding... We haven't even set a date yet.
MARY BETH: Yeah. Whatever. Whatever. (stopping) Wait. You know, we forgot to go back to China!
MARY BETH: You really should register for your wedding china, Christine.
CHRISTINE: I should?

[Detectives' Squad room]

ISBECKI: OK, Coleman, we've got you now. The Police Benevolent Association says that the first initial is R. Isn't that right? Reginald.
COLEMAN: You're net getting a peep out of me, Isbecki.
PETRIE: You should really tell us. We've been spending a lot of time on this, Rupert.
COLEMAN: Nothing.
ISBECKI: Oh, come on, it can't be that bad, ...Roland.
COLEMAN: I'm sure it's not even half as bad as Victor or Marcus.
ISBECKI: What's wrong with Victor?
COLEMAN: You know if you spent half as much time on burglaries as you do on this, the crime rate in this precinct would probably take a nosedive.
PETRIE: (as Coleman walks away)Thank you, Ricardo!
ISBECKI: Rupert? Rosencrantz?
CHRISTINE: (coming in as Coleman leaves pursued by Petrie and Isbecki) Did you finish interviewing your fifteen thousand witnesses?
MARY BETH: Oh, very funny, Christine. My bunions have little bunions of their own.
CHRISTINE: Have you got your list of witnesses?
MARY BETH: Oh, sure! (getting out her notebook) Here, Marguerite De Courtney MD, lost twenty-one cents. Quote Are you serious. My time is worth two hundred dollars an hour. I'm going to spend a week in court for twenty-one cents? Unquote. Cynthia Manley has lost forty-seven cents. 'Why don't you people go after the murderers ...and rapists?' Mitchell Salis, his was ninety-two cents. Oh I can't repeat what he says.
CHRISTINE: (referring to her notebook) Well, I've big heap. Thirty-two dollars.
MARY BETH: Thirty-two dollars?!
CHRISTINE: One person. Michelle Lyons. (Mary Beth tries to get a look at Chris's notebook) Ah! She spends half her life buying and then she spends the other half returning every thing she buys. She is thrilled about coming to court and says she has absolutely nothing else to do!
MARY BETH: Oh, great. Christine, this case is as silly as...
CHRISTINE: (shouting out) An efficient end to the day, Mary Beth!
MARY BETH: What is that supposed to mean?
CHRISTINE: Or the evils thereof!
CHRISTINE: It's the bible. Or Shakespeare, or somebody. It means it's five o'clock and I'm going home.
MARY BETH: Oh, sign me out too. Harve and I have to pick out new linoleum.
CHRISTINE: That is a joke, right?
MARY BETH: Oh no, it's not a joke, Christine. Have you seen my kitchen floor? So what are you and your new fiancée gonna do...
CHRISTINE: Oh! (slapping her hand over Mary Beth's mouth)
MARY BETH: What are you and Dory gonna do tonight?
CHRISTINE: Dory's working. I'm going for dinner with my father.
MARY BETH: Oh, he must be so excited for ya, huh?
CHRISTINE: I'm telling him tonight. He'll faint. (quietly) He said I'd never get married.
MARY BETH: Oh, you told me before you told him?
MARY BETH: You told me before you told anybody whatsoever?
CHRISTINE: Don't you tell anybody.


(Chris and Charlie are playing pool)
CHRISTINE: So, I mean it's no secret that Dory and I are living together. He's still got his own apartment, you know. It's handy when he's on stake out. (Charlie, concentrating on the game, moves Chris aside so he can take the next shot) Anyway, what the hell, we thought we'd go legal!
CHARLIE: That's terrific.
CHRISTINE: You're not really excited about it?
CHARLIE: No, no, it's terrific, it's also your turn.
CHRISTINE: It's Dory. You still don't like him, do ya?
CHARLIE: No, no. Come on, Chris, no guy's ever gonna be good enough for you. But Dory, he's er... an OK guy.
CHRISTINE: Even if he roots for Boston Celtics? (she takes her shot) OK, Charlie, what is it? What's wrong?
CHARLIE: Nothing. Nothing is wrong! Look, if you're happy, I'm happy and that's it. OK?!
CHRISTINE: Do you remember when I was a little girl and I used to ask you if anyone would ever want to marry me.
CHRISTINE: You told me I'd be beating them off with a baseball bat. Now look how long it's taken me.
CHARLIE: What are you talking about? You're the greatest. You could have had any guy you ever wanted.
CHRISTINE: I feel I've already deprived you of grandchildren.
CHARLIE: I've already got grandchildren.
CHRISTINE: They're in California.
CHARLIE: (concentrating on his next shot) Maybe I should go and see 'em.
CHRISTINE: Brian says he's got a great house ...on a hill and there's a view. ...And he's got a pool and a hot tub.
CHARLIE: Oh, you know, your mum sure would have been proud of Brian. But you and me, I thought we were just good to look after each other.
CHRISTINE: What do you mean?
CHARLIE: A couple of independent types. Stay light on your feet. Don't carry too much excess baggage.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I've had a hell of a good time. Are you gonna make the shot or not?
CHARLIE: Five ball in the side pocket.
(he makes the shot. They smile)

[Precinct House front desk]

COLEMAN: You gotta be kidding!
PETRIE: Rasputin?
COLEMAN: Will you two get out of here! I've got work to do.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Chris staggers in)
MARY BETH: (brightly) Good morning, Chris.
CHRISTINE: (hoarsely) Good morning.
MARY BETH: You got a hangover?
CHRISTINE: Boy, what a night.
MARY BETH: Well, it was a night to celebrate. (pushing a stack of files into Chris's arms) We've got an appointment with the Assistant DA. Come on, it's eight thirty-five now.
CHRISTINE: I've only just woken up.

[Feldberg's office]

FELDBERG: I love it! I just love it. Last time you bring me one victim and two confessions. This time, one confession and thirty-five thousand victims! What did I do to deserve this? What?!
CHRISTINE: Do you wanna save this for the jury, Feldberg? Because I've got a killer head.
MARY BETH: Mr. Feldberg, are you gonna file the case or not?
FELDBERG: This...This scourge of society. You know, I've gotta think through the plot. Is the police recommendation for hanging? Or is it maybe for a nice public flogging?
MARY BETH: Will you answer my question, Mr. Feldberg?
FELDBERG: Let me see now. Thirty-five thousand witnesses, at an average of ten witnesses a day,. That's an approximate estimate of ten years in trial. Twenty million dollars of taxpayers' money. And the judge is gonna fine this guy fifty bucks and give him probation.
CHRISTINE: Feldberg, if you will can the oratory, I will tell you that neither of us wants to go to trial any more than you do.
FELDBERG: Then what the hell are you doing here!
CHRISTINE: I don't know what else to do!! Could we just get on?
MARY BETH: Mr. Feldberg, the store insists on going forward.
FELDBERG: Then talk the store out of it. Tell them we'll get a guilty plea or misdemeanour theft. He'll get probation on the condition that he makes restitution. Convince them that they've been lucky to get a trial.
CHRISTINE: Then what if the store refuses?
FELDBERG: Don't let them! I don't wanna hear from them they refuse. OK? I want refuse stricken from your vocabulary.
CHRISTINE: (to Mary Beth) Histrionics again. Can we get out of here?
(they gather up the files)
MARY BETH: (to Chris who needs the door opening for her) Oh, wait, I'll get it. Don't worry about it. (to Feldberg) Have a nice day.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: You are on very shaky ground here, Mr. Wolitzer. First my partner and I spent all morning talking with a very cranky Assistant District Attorney. And all afternoon talking with your ex-boss. We pointed out to him that he would have to spend approximately one half of the rest of his natural life in court if we put this into trial and he finally agreed. (as Mary Beth shouts Chris winces) So do not blow it out and tell me you do not agree to the deal!
WOLITZER: I'd like to. ...But I can't. All right! I ...just ...can't.
CHRISTINE: I have a very bad hangover.
WOLITZER: You said that I'd have to make restitution. That means I must tell Cece.
CHRISTINE: You mean she doesn't know yet!
WOLITZER: No, I haven't talked to her since I've been arrested. What am I supposed to say 'Hi, this is Robert. I'm a thief and a felon and a liar. Oh, by the way, do you still wanna get married'.
MARY BETH: Oh, Mr. Wolitzer, if she really loves you, I am sure that she will understand you. And forgive you.
WOLITZER: Sure. Would you?
WOLITZER: (nodding towards Chris) She wouldn't.
CHRISTINE: Well, maybe you could make posies or ...
MARY BETH: No, no, she didn't mean it like that! Now, please pick up the phone and call her. What have you got to lose?
WOLITZER: Do you think...
MARY BETH: Absolutely!
(she gives him the receiver, he hesitates and then dials the number and then immediately rings off)
WOLITZER: I can't.
(Mary Beth gives him the receiver again. He slams it down)
WOLITZER: I said I can't.
(she goes to hit him. He shies away)

[Cece Wentworth's apartment]

CHRISTINE: I know what a shock this must be for you, Mrs. Wentworth.
CHRISTINE: You mean you know he was stealing?!
CECE WENTWORTH: No, no, no. I guess I should have.
CHRISTINE: I don't understand.
CECE WENTWORTH: I knew Robert wasn't rich. You see I tried to call him at Rosenzweig and Sons one day.
MARY BETH: Yes, Ma'am, so did we.
CHRISTINE: And you never said anything?
CECE WENTWORTH: It's not easy when you have as much money as I do. Everybody says you should marry a man with more money than you. But why do I need a man with money? I've already got enough for ten lifetimes. (Mary Beth only wishes) A man with no money though... You see the good ones will think that you're afraid they're after your money. And the bad ones, you know that they are. So I understand why Robert likes me, and I know if he knew, it would boost his ego terribly. So... I went along with it.
CHRISTINE: Are you willing to make restitution?
CECE WENTWORTH: Of course. I love him! I'd do anything for him.

[Side of 1015 Park Avenue]

(the glaziers have just replaced the damaged window)
MARY BETH: Good, good. Now all we have to do is figure out who took a shot at him.
(Chris spots a similarly damaged pane low down in the wall 1015 Park Avenue)
MARY BETH: Christine? What is it?
(the building superintendent has just comes out and sees her. He turns away)
CHRISTINE: Hey! ...You!
(he starts to run)
MARY BETH: Hey! Police! Hold it right there!
(he stops and raises his hands)
CHRISTINE: OK. Do you want to tell me about it?
BUILDING SUPER: I don't know nothing. Well, I don't know nothing!
MARY BETH: Put you hands down.
BUILDING SUPER: What are you guys doing this to me for? I'm just a working man.
BUILDING SUPER: I don't have to talk to you. You can't make me. OK, I'll talk. It was an accident. And you've gotta believe me. I didn't mean to hurt anybody. I was just cleaning my gun when...Boom!!! This bullet must have ricocheted off that building and then across into Mrs. Wentworth's apartment. I would have said something but I got scared. You know, you cops showing up and everything. I thought this whole thing would have blown over by now. I didn't even want to call the glass company. But it was freezing in my apartment. You guys gonna book me or what?

[Detectives' Squad room]

ISBECKI: Rory Coleman? Rip Coleman?
MARY BETH: (coming in) You got something for me?
(Coleman hands her a message)
PETRIE: Rock Coleman? Ramone Coleman?
MARY BETH: How about Ronald?
PETRIE: Ronald Coleman?
MARY BETH: You never saw "Random Harvest" on TV? Or "Tale of Two Cities"? Oh. I cried for half a day over "Tale of Two Cities".
ISBECKI: Ronald Coleman! The guy with the little wimpy moustache.
PETRIE: (mimicking) 'It's a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done'.
COLEMAN: I'll kill her. I'm gonna kill her.
PETRIE/ISBECKI: (mimicking) 'It's a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known. It's a far, far better rest I go to...'.

[Ladies room]

(Chris is doing her hair. Mary Beth comes in)
MARY BETH: Have we just finished a record day or what? I mean, how often do we get a day like this one, Christine? The department store gets the money to give back to its customers. We get to solve an attempted murder and thirty-five thousand petty thefts. We even got the lovers reunited. I mean, everybody's happy for once. We didn't have to arrest anybody.
(Chris is putting on some lipstick)
MARY BETH: Fairytale ending, right?
CHRISTINE: I'm not gonna marry Dory.
CHRISTINE: I'm gonna tell him tonight.
MARY BETH: Why?! What did he do to you?!
MARY BETH: Come on, Christine. Talk to me.
CHRISTINE: Well, I'll make up a reason, if it'll make you feel better.
MARY BETH: Well, I am trying to make you feel better. I'm trying to be your friend and understand this.
CHRISTINE: Well, I'm not sure I understand it myself. I don't like what I've become. It's not me. It's not what I want.
MARY BETH: What have you become?
CHRISTINE: Well, I've got a tough job, right?
CHRISTINE: And there's some nights, I just wanna go home and take off my makeup, wash my hair, eat yoghurt, read a trashy book. But I don't know, every night... No, that's not true, because every night I leave this place, I go home, I clean up the apartment, and then I doll myself up and I go fussing in that damn kitchen like I was Betty Crocker!
MARY BETH: Well, Christine, Dory's a very demanding man. Now you have to talk to him...
MARY BETH: ...and get him to understand.
CHRISTINE: No. It isn't Dory, Dory doesn't even care. It's me! I'm doing the stuff I think I'm supposed to do.
MARY BETH: I'm not following this at all! If you don't do it and Dory doesn't care, then why do you do it?
CHRISTINE: This person I've become doesn't even feel like me. I've got to the stage that I feel that I'm suffocating. I got these crazy tapes playing around in my head like all the reruns of "Chris and Harry"!
MARY BETH: I understand.
CHRISTINE: You understand? You're not gonna give me the old Peter Pan speech of how it is to grow up and not make commitments?
MARY BETH: Oh I do, Christine. You and Dory want different things out of life. He's not the right man.
CHRISTINE: What is the right man?
MARY BETH: Well, he's out there, Christine. Now you have to believe that.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you're not getting it. I'm thirty-eight years old. It is no accident that I never married. I like my life. My life looks just fine exactly the way it is, and I'm not getting married because I'm supposed to.
MARY BETH: I agree with you a hundred percent.
CHRISTINE: It's out of your mouth. You're saying it's all right to be single?
MARY BETH: Well, Chris, what I'm saying is that you should never settle.
CHRISTINE: You are not listening to me! I'm not talking about settling, I'm talking about liking my life the way it is. There is nothing wrong with my life because I'm single.
MARY BETH: Dory's the wrong man. If he was the right man you'd be getting married.


CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you don't need a ring to love somebody.
MARY BETH: Now this is what you believe now, Christine. Now when the right man comes along you will not be sitting around thinking about it. When the right man comes along you will close your eyes and make believe.
CHRISTINE: I don't wanna go through the rest of my life with my eyes closed! If I wanna get married, I'll marry Dory.
MARY BETH: Then you would be settling.
CHRISTINE: I would not! What is wrong with Dory anyway? He's a terrific guy.
MARY BETH: He has an ex-wife and two kids.
CHRISTINE: Who doesn't?!! He's human. I'm human. He's a terrific guy. I love him.
MARY BETH: If he's a great guy and you love him, then what is the problem?
CHRISTINE: There isn't any problem!!! I've looked at this. I've looked at me. And I understand your feelings about husbands. But I, Christine Cagney, do not want... I do not need to get married.
MARY BETH: Maybe it's the wrong time.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth...
MARY BETH: It's possible.
(Chris buries her head in her arms as Mary Beth continues to say 'It's possible'. She finally stops. Chris shakes her head and sits back up)
MARY BETH: What are you gonna do now? Are you ever gonna see him again?
CHRISTINE: I don't think he'll understand.
MARY BETH: If he doesn't understand, what happens then?
CHRISTINE: I don't know, Mary Beth, I don't predict the future.
MARY BETH: I hate to see you lonely.
CHRISTINE: I won't be lonely.
MARY BETH: What if you never see him again?
CHRISTINE: I may not see him, but it wouldn't stop me from loving him. And it wouldn't stop me from loving somebody else. It doesn't have to be all tied up in a neat package called 'Marriage'! I swear to you it does not.
MARY BETH: It's your opinion.
CHRISTINE: Right! It's my opinion.
(Mary Beth nods)

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