Baby Broker
Original Airdate: April 30, 1984

[Broadway cinema foyer]

(the guests in evening dress are leaving a film premiere)
JOSH RICHARDS: Well, the audience seemed to like it. Now we'll wait and see what the vultures make of it.
CHRISTINE: The critics will love it. Oh Josh, it's such a wonderful flick.
JOSH RICHARDS: Well, knowing the reviewers, they'll have that for breakfast. they usually use some of those adjectives. 'Derivative', 'Effete', 'Pretentious'. They were some of the better ones.
CHRISTINE: (as she gets into a limousine) Ha, ha. You're paranoid.
JOSH RICHARDS: (as he follows her in) Believe me, back in there, it's Paranoia Palace.

[Limousine]

JOSH RICHARDS: Listen, if I start drinking too much at this party and insult the investors, will you arrest me?
CHRISTINE: I'd be happy to take you into custody.
JOSH RICHARDS: (laughing) Christine Cagney, defender of the peace, (taking her hand) and public morals, (and kissing it) I thank you.
(the limo drives off)
JOSH RICHARDS: (pouring champagne) Well, here's to the good things in life.
CHRISTINE: I'll drink to that.
JOSH RICHARDS: Oh, I am glad that is over. I hate first nights.
CHRISTINE: I got to tell you, you're wonderful.
(they exchange a kiss. Chris notices something happening on the pavement)
JOSH RICHARDS: What's wrong?
CHRISTINE: Driver, stop the car!
JOSH RICHARDS: What's the matter!
CHRISTINE: (taking her gun out of her evening bag) That man over there is working over that woman.
JOSH RICHARDS: Oh, Chris, can't you turn your back on that for just one night!
(she gets out of the limo)

[Eighth Avenue]

CHRISTINE: Hey! Police! (the man runs off. Chris rips off her high heels) Hold it! (to the woman) You all right?
(she gives chase)

[Limousine]

JOSH RICHARDS: (he is left holding the champagne and two glasses. To the driver) I guess you better follow them. ...I don't believe this.

[Eighth Avenue]

(as the man reaches a corner the limo turns across him and he falls over the bonnet)
CHRISTINE: (training her gun on him as he gets up) Hold it!
PIMP: (putting his hands up) OK, baby, be cool.
CHRISTINE: Against the car.
PIMP: Be cool, babe!
CHRISTINE: (pushing him over the bonnet) Against the car!
PIMP: (as she fleeces him) Be cool.
CHRISTINE: (to Josh) Call for back up!
PIMP: I'm innocent.
CHRISTINE: Sure you are.
PIMP: Baby, I'm just doing my job. I'm just doing my job.
CHRISTINE: And roughing up women is your job. Is that correct?
(Josh has got out of the limo still the holding bottle and glasses)
PIMP: Come on, baby you want some money?
CHRISTINE: I said 'Quiet'.
PIMP: I got some money.
CHRISTINE: I'm gonna ask you to keep your mouth shut.
PIMP: Come on, babe.
CHRISTINE: Did you hear me?
JOSH RICHARDS: (pouring a glass) To the good things in life.
PIMP: Baby, I...
(she bashes him on the back)
CHRISTINE: (to Josh) Be with you in a minute.

[Detectives' Squad room]

LA GUARDIA: It's not.
MARY BETH: Not meat?
LA GUARDIA: No, it isn't, Lacey.
MARY BETH: So is it vegetable?
LA GUARDIA: Yes.
(Chris comes in looking pretty glum)
MARY BETH: Hey! Hey, how was the big night?
CHRISTINE: It started out great, then it kinda went downhill.
MARY BETH: I thought you were going to this big opening night party.
CHRISTINE: By the time we got there the party was over.
MARY BETH: What?!
CHRISTINE: There was an assault on Eighth Avenue. I was stuck there for two hours booking a pimp.
MARY BETH: Oh, Chris. Josh must have been disappointed, huh?
CHRISTINE: Actually he was a pretty good sport about it, until the guy ...threw up over his tuxedo.
MARY BETH: Oh, Christine.
MARY BETH: (bursting out laughing) Sorry.
(she continues to laugh)
ISBECKI: Cagney! Nice outfit.
CHRISTINE: (disinterestedly) Thank you.
ISBECKI: I liked it yesterday too.
CHRISTINE: What?
ISBECKI: I guess you lost a little sleep over a date, huh?
CHRISTINE: Oh, kick off, Isbecki. (she is wearing a mainly rust-coloured sweater. Quietly to Mary Beth) I wore my yellow sweater yesterday, didn't I?
SAMUELS: Cagney! Lacey! End of hen party. There was a baby abandoned this morning at St. Josephs. (giving Mary Beth a note) Witnesses. Go talk to them. See if you can find a line on the mother.
MARY BETH: Yes sir.

[St. Joseph's corridor/Waiting area]

(the reception nurse, Brenda Sternier, has met the duo and is escorting them to the reception desk)
BRENDA STERNIER: We get a lot of abandoned babies here. The mothers are young. Fifteen, sixteen. No money, no jobs. You get the picture? But this woman, she was no kid. She had plenty of money. Jewellery and clothes you would die for. And cash. She posted five one hundred dollar bills in advance for treatment.
CHRISTINE: You got the baby in to see the doctor?
BRENDA STERNIER: Mm hm. Complaining of lethargy. Said the baby was unnaturally quiet.
MARY BETH: I wish I'd have had that problem with my boys.
BRENDA STERNIER: Dr. Lewis examined the baby. She's totally deaf.
MARY BETH: Oh.
BRENDA STERNIER: Then at that point the mother excused herself to go to the Ladies' room and she never came back.
MARY BETH: And where is the little girl now?
BRENDA STERNIER: Child Welfare came for her.
CHRISTINE: Did you try calling the mother?
BRENDA STERNIER: Mm. The telephone number on the admitting form was the information desk of Port Authority.
MARY BETH: Thank you.

[Child Welfare babies ward]

MRS. ROSENMEYER: The address and the work records were fictitious as well?
CHRISTINE: The entire admitting form. The mother really thought the whole thing out beforehand. If the doctor confirmed the baby as deaf, she was gonna just dump her and run.
MRS. ROSENMEYER: Lies. Very nice. I think I've seen everything and then I get a surprise.
MARY BETH: (arriving at the cot containing the baby girl) Oh, are you something? (bending over the baby) Yes, so what happens now, kid?
MRS. ROSENMEYER: She'll stay here.
MARY BETH: Oh. What is a gorgeous girl like you gonna do in a dump like this, huh?
MRS. ROSENMEYER: We do the best we can, Detective, with very limited funds.
MARY BETH: No offence, ma'am, honest, (to the baby) but you, you oughta be evicted.
MRS. ROSENMEYER: Any way, it's up to you now. If you can find the parents and if you can find a judge to declare them unfit, then we'll put the girl up for adoption and hopefully find a family that wants want to make a home for a handicapped child.
MARY BETH: That's a lot of 'Ifs'.
MRS. ROSENMEYER: We're looking for a temporary foster home. There's one coming up in ...two weeks.
MARY BETH: Two weeks! Oh, two weeks is along time. (picking up the baby) What do feel, lovely? Do you wanna come home with me?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you gotta be kidding.
MARY BETH: Now, back off Christine, I saw her first. It's obviously between her and me, and Mrs. Rosenmeyer. (to Mrs. Rosenmeyer) Will that be all right?
MRS. ROSENMEYER: It's very irregular.
MARY BETH: Oh, come on Mrs' Rosenmeyer. I know you've got some latitude in these matters. I'm a police officer with a husband, two kids. Solid citizen. We're only talking two weeks here.
MRS. ROSENMEYER: Well, I'll have to get an OK from my supervisor.
MARY BETH: Ask the question. Be sure to tell her that I was grandmother to seventeen cub-scouts for an entire year. (to Chris) Yes. Me.
(Mrs. Rosenmeyer leaves)
CHRISTINE: Are you out of your mind?!
MARY BETH: What's the matter?
CHRISTINE: You've got enough problems pulling at ya. You've got a husband, you've got two kids and you've got your work!
MARY BETH: I won't fall down on the job, Christine.
CHRISTINE: That wasn't what I meant.
MARY BETH: Well, what is the matter?
CHRISTINE: I think it's unprofessional.
MARY BETH: Unprofessional!
CHRISTINE: Yes.
MARY BETH: Oh. (to the baby) Do you know what? She's afraid of what the guys will say. Yeah, Coleman, Isbecki and the Lieutenant. She's worried that we'll look like bleeding-heart women in front of the guys. Am I right? Look at her!
CHRISTINE: Why don't you get off it, Mary Beth?
MARY BETH: (to the baby) See.
CHRISTINE: This is not the pound! ...You're acting like you're taking home a Christmas popper. This is a little, real person here.
MARY BETH: Thank you, Christine, I'm aware of that.
CHRISTINE: Who's gonna take care of her while you're at work?
MARY BETH: Harve. (to the baby) Wait 'til you meet Harve.
CHRISTINE: Harve! Don't you think you oughta ask him first?
MARY BETH: Harvey loves babies. Any way he doesn't have anything to do until the renovation of the Greenway thing next month. (to the baby) She's not gonna be any trouble at all, are ya? No problem at all.
CHRISTINE: Sure.

[Laceys' lounge]

(the kids are watching TV. There is a knock at the door)
MARY BETH [OC]: Harve.
HARVEY: Yo!.
MARY BETH [OC]: Hi ya.
HARVEY: Hi ya, baby.
MARY BETH [OC]: It's me. Harve, don't look. I've got something. Turn around, OK?
HARVEY: (unlocking the door and turning around) OK, OK, OK.
MARY BETH: Hi ya men.
HARVEY JR./MICHAEL: (still staring at the TV) Hi Mum.
MARY BETH: Come here, I've got a surprise for you.
HARVEY JR.: In a minute, the show's almost over.
MICHAEL: What you got? A new toy?
MARY BETH: Come over here! Stand by your father. OK? Ready?
MARY BETH: (opening the door wide and holding the baby) Ta! Ta, ta, ta!
MICHAEL: A baby.
HARVEY JR.: Oh, gross.
HARVEY: Where did you get her?
MARY BETH: She was abandoned by her very foolish mother and she has graciously consented to stay with us for two weeks until she gets a foster home.
HARVEY JR.: What's its name?
MARY BETH: I don't know.
MICHAEL: How about Atari!
MARY BETH: Better for a boy. (Harve is nodding) ..Ain't she something. I knew you'd love her. Say 'Hi' to Harve.
(later Mary Beth and Harvey are in their nightclothes. Harvey is holding the baby)
MARY BETH: Let's hold her. Let me hold her.
HARVEY: That's my baby!
MARY BETH: (taking the baby) I couldn't explain this to Chris.
HARVEY: What's that?
MARY BETH: That I miss holding a little person like this in my arms.
HARVEY: She's a doll, all right. (touching the baby's bottom) Boy! Diaper. I'll get it
MARY BETH: (as Harvey gets up) Harve, it's my birthday next month.
HARVEY: I know. Like vintage wine. The best year.
MARY BETH: (he kisses her) But not any younger. I mean, we don't have forever on this, Harvey. If we're gonna have another baby, we're gonna have to do it pretty soon.
HARVEY: Do you wanna practice? ...I don't know. It's a big decision. I just keep going round and round. I don't know for sure.
MARY BETH: I guess I thought that maybe she could help us make up our minds, maybe.
HARVEY: Kinda like a trial?
MARY BETH: Get the diaper.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Josh Richards comes in)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) J, O, L, I, D. ...Yes, they're the manufacturers. ..Yeah. ...OK. I'll wait.
(Josh sits down beside Chris who is still on the phone holding the baby's coat)
JOSH RICHARDS: (putting on a very strong American accent) Where's the cops when I need 'em. Ya understand?
CHRISTINE: Josh! (into phone) Oh. ...OK. ...Thank you, anyway.
(she rings off)
CHRISTINE: Hi!
JOH RICHARDS: Do I take it from that dazed expression on your face you have forgotten our lunch date?
CHRISTINE: Lunch? No! no I didn't forget lunch.
JOSH RICHARDS: Rubbish. You forgot.
CHRISTINE: I didn't forget.
JOSH RICHARDS: What kind of a bloody twit do you think I am, Christine?
CHRISTINE: Sorry. I've been too involved in this case. The only lead I have on this baby is the clothes she was wearing.
JOSH RICHARDS: (getting up) Listen! Let me take you away from all this. Just for an hour.
CHRISTINE: Josh, I can't. I'm up to my bangs in this stuff.
JOSH RICHARDS: (taking hold of her hand) Come on.
CHRISTINE: Why not. (she picks up the file, the Yellow Pages and the coat and dumps them on Mary Beth's desk) What are partners for!

[Samuels' office]

(Mary Beth is in there yawning. He comes back in with a coffee)
SAMUELS: Lacey, I'm not gonna beat around the bush here, Lacey. Straight out, I'm telling ya, I don't think it's such a hot idea.
MARY BETH: Sir?
SAMUELS: The baby. My instinct says you give her back now, before you're in too deep. This is experience talking, Lacey. You get involved personally with your cases, it backfires every time.
MARY BETH: I believe I can handle it, sir.
SAMUELS: Oh, good, good, good. Well, I thought I could too. An assault victim of mine. So we dated each other for a while and I er... Well, look, Lacey, you think you're gonna be able to handle it, ...'til the day you have to give the kid back?
MARY BETH: It's only two weeks, sir. I'm set for it. OK. I can't tell you anything. You've got all the answers. Just don't let it interfere with your work!
MARY BETH: No sir. Thank you, sir.

[Restaurant]

CHRISTINE: Champagne for lunch!
JOSH RICHARDS: Mm hm.
CHRISTINE: What's the occasion?
JOSH RICHARDS: Big news.
CHRISTINE: What? (to the waiter the champagne) I'm sorry I'm not...
JOSH RICHARDS: Oh, come on, Chris, you're not going to toast my big news with water, are you?
CHRISTINE: What the hell. Give me a splash. What is it? Tell me.
JOSH RICHARDS: Well, I have just signed a deal to do a new play in London this Spring.
CHRISTINE: Josh, that's fabulous!
JOSH RICHARDS: Aha.
CHRISTINE: (raising her glass) Break a leg!
JOSH RICHARDS: Cheers kid. ...So, ...how about it?
CHRISTINE: How about what?
JOSH RICHARDS: Well, Tower of London, Hyde Park, long walks along the Thames.
CHRISTINE: Oh, wait a second,...
JOSH RICHARDS: No, no, no. You don't turn me down until you've heard the whole deal. Now you know, Chris, that since my divorce, I took a decision to keep everything, well, very light from now on. I realise that I have been pretty hard to get close to.
CHRISTINE: Well, I'm not exactly the easiest person to get close to either.
JOSH RICHARDS: Well, I hoped this London thing would be a chance for us to get closer.
CHRISTINE: You don't understand, I have a job. It's not just a job, I mean it's my career.
JOSH RICHARDS: Oh, sure. I wouldn't expect you to give up your job. Just come over for a couple of weeks while we're casting.
CHRISTINE: I don't even get vacation time until July.
JOSH RICHARDS: Yeah, but you could arrange something, couldn't you? Switch with someone.
CHRISTINE: It doesn't work that way, Josh. I've got a partner. I have a caseload. This child abandonment business is on my mind. I can't just fly off to London. ...I wouldn't be very good company right now.
JOSH RICHARDS: Chris, how much of yourself can you give to your work? Don't you think you ought to pamper yourself a little bit? Live a little.
CHRISTINE: No, you don't understand. I love my work.
JOSH RICHARDS: How can you love chasing after pimps? In a long dress and high heels. It was grim and depressing.
CHRISTINE: Last night at three AM you didn't find me grim and depressing.
JOSH RICHARDS: No. ...Well, I'd better get you back. Check please!

[Detectives' Squad room]

LA GUARDIA: What kind of milk are using for the formula?
MARY BETH: What kind?! Milk. From a cow.
LA GUARDIA: Goat. It's closest to the composition of human milk. You'll have fewer problems with allergies later. ...And don't neglect a good healthy dose of liquid kelp.
MARY BETH: Kelp?
LA GUARDIA: (writing a note for her) It's processed seaweed, chock full of minerals. Not to mention how it simulates the sea-like condition of the inter-uteral environment. And acidophilus for the promotion of friendly flora and to encourage elimination.
MARY BETH: Oh, this baby doesn't need that kind of encouragement. Ask Harve. (she takes the note. Seeing Chris coming back) I'm sorry Paul, I gotta go.
CHRISTINE: So, how was lunch?
CHRISTINE: It was nothing. I haven't eaten.
MARY BETH: Now don't sit down. We've gotta go. I've found the store. ...What do ya mean?
CHRISTINE: Josh Richards is the most exciting man I've met in my entire life.
MARY BETH: That's a problem?
CHRISTINE: He thinks my work is grim and depressing.
MARY BETH: So he isn't only exciting, he's also observant.
CHRISTINE: We'll talk in the car.

[Baby store]

(the baby store proprietor, Marie-Chantal, brings a baby coat the same as the one from the abandoned baby and gives it to Chris)
MARIE-CHANTAL: Isn't that the most pretty? Look. Even the buttons.
CHRISTINE: Yes, very nice. Do you remember who purchased this?
MARIE-CHANTAL: Yes, the mother. She adored this particular combination. In fact it happens to be a favourite of mine too. She bought everything in those colours for her little one.
MARY BETH: Do you have an address on her?
MARIE-CHANTAL: I will check.
MARY BETH: (turning to a baby dress) This is cute. Look at this. Isn't this adorable?
CHRISTINE: Yes. Yeah! (holding up another baby dress) Oh, my niece would look great in this. Shall I check it out?
MARY BETH: Nice. There's no price tags on anything.
MARIE-CHANTAL: I have it.
CHRISTINE: (taking the copy-receipt) Thank you. Mrs. Scott Jamieson. I'll check the address.
MARY BETH: (to the baby store assistant) These are cute here. How much are these here?
MARIE-CHANTAL: Oh, twenty-four dollars.
MARY BETH: For six?
MARIE-CHANTAL: For one.
MARY BETH: Nice. Well, the kid has got enough of these for now.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) OK. (she rings off and holds up the baby coat) Park Avenue.
MARY BETH: That figures. Shall we go? (as they walk out) They cost twenty-four dollars. Michael's entire outfit cost twenty-four dollars.
CHRISTINE: Michael got the better deal.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: (into phone) And you remembered to warm up the formula? ...Harvey! ...Oh, come on here, Harve, I'm not treating you like a bimbo. ...Of course you remembered. ...Yeah, and Harve, kelp, liquid kelp. ...Er, K, E, L, P. ...Well, I don't know, Harve. A health food store. ...Yeah, OK. ...OK. ...That kid's gonna love that formula. ...Yeah, bye.
(she rings off. A man in a suit has come in)
MARY BETH: Yes, Mr. Cottman?
COTTMAN: I thought you ladies would be delighted to know that my clients, the Jamiesons, would be willing to cooperate with you one hundred percent.
CHRISTINE: Between you and me, sir, we don't need your cooperation to make this charge stick.
COTTMAN: There's no child abandonment here. The baby that was left in the custody of St. Joseph's Hospital is not my client's child.
MARY BETH: What are you trying to do, Mr. Cottman?
COTTMAN: I'm trying to be perfectly candid. Do you ladies have any idea how difficult it is to adopt a white healthy infant in this city?
MARY BETH: Yeah, we heard.
COTTMAN: The Jamiesons have been trying to adopt for nearly three years and finally they found a source. They were promised a perfect child and accordingly took delivery. However, after several months they found her to be defective.
MARY BETH: Deaf, Mr. Cottman. The only thing wrong with that baby is she can't hear. Otherwise she's perfect.
COTTMAN: My clients don't regard deafness as a slight imperfection.
CHRISTINE: So they dumped her!
COTTMAN: Mrs, Jamieson left her in the custody of a hospital where she would be perfectly safe.
CHRISTINE: Kind of.
MARY BETH: I don't know why you're wasting our time here. We've still got abandonment. An adopted child is no different than a natural child.
COTTMAN: You don't understand. They never legally adopted the child. As I've been trying to tell you, it is quite difficult to effectuate a certain type of adoption in this city.
MARY BETH: Well, where did this baby come from?
COTTMAN: They purchased her from a baby broker. The price was thirty-five thousand dollars, ...cash. ...Now, can we come to some sort of accommodation?

[Samuels' office]

MARY BETH: I don't understand, sir. We've got the name of the baby broker. We've got the people, what, er, Jamiesons. They're gonna cooperate.
CHRISTINE: So why can't we make the collar?
SAMUELS: I've checked this with the DA's Office and they're not entirely happy with the case.
CHRISTINE: How much more do they want from us?!
SAMUELS: They want us to find the natural parents of the baby that the broker has placed. Then you see we get a nice criminal solicitation in addition to the social services law violation.
CHRISTINE: They'll lay a smokescreen.
SAMUELS: OK. Come on, I don't make the laws so don't give me a hard time. Besides I happen to agree with the DA's Office. So we've got a meeting with the Assistant DA, nine AM, the three of us, tomorrow.
CHRISTINE: Tomorrow?
SAMUELS: (as he puts his jacket on and goes out) Yep. You can give her a hard time instead of me.
CHRISTINE: I can't go tomorrow.
MARY BETH: Why not?
CHRISTINE: Tomorrow supposed to be my day off. Josh has rented a car and we were going up to The Catskills. What am I gonna tell him?
MARY BETH: Tell him you have to work!
CHRISTINE: That'll go over real big. You know how understanding he is about my work.
MARY BETH: (as Chris sits in Samuels' chair) Christine.
CHRISTINE: What? I hate to discourage you about a man. But maybe he's the wrong one for you.
CHRISTINE: Maybe every one's the wrong one for me. Or it must be me. I mean, if enough people tell you you're drunk, lie down. You've gotta make compromises to get with a man, Mary Beth. I'm telling ya, a lot of compromises! God, I hate compromises.

[Police Headquarters District Attorney's office]

(the assistant DA, Rhonda Gallegos, gets a file from the cabinet which she gives to Samuels)
RHONDA GALLEGOS: W. P. Jarvis, Attorney-at-Law. We've been trying to build a case against him for the past six month now.
CHRISTINE: Well, the Jamiesons said they kept denying to the court that they purchased the baby from him for thirty-five thousand dollars.
RHONDA GALLEGOS: Well, a jury might not convict on that. What I want is for him is to solicit a mother to abandon her baby. We did have a sixteen-year old who claimed she was willing to testify.
CHRISTINE: Why do you say 'You did have'?
RHONDA GALLEGOS: She disappeared off the face of the Earth. Oh, we can't prove anything, but I think Jarvis either paid her off, frightened her away or, who knows.
MARY BETH: Nice fellow we got here. Jarvis's MO is to solicit indigent pregnant women at the welfare office.
SAMUELS: Look, where do we come in?
RHONDA GALLEGOS: I'd like you to assign a female officer to stand there, padded out to look pregnant, waiting to be solicited. But we have to be very careful about entrapment here. Let him make the first move.
SAMUELS: (to Chris) Could we just get Rita Aguerro?
CHRISTINE: Why not?
RHONDA GALLEGOS: A blonde officer would be better.
SAMUELS: Huh?
RHONDA GALLEGOS: Blonde, blue-eyed babies go for the most money on the baby farms.
CHRISTINE: (looking round at the others) I'm not wearing any of the maternity dresses with the bows on 'em.
SAMUELS: I'll send along a male detective as backup. A husband.
RHONDA GALLEGOS: You have a blonde detective?
SAMUELS: Oh yeah!
CHRISTINE: Does he have to be blonde?

[Detectives' Squad room]

ISBECKI: How's my blushing bride?
CHRISTINE: (she leaps up) Going home!
ISBECKI: Sounds good to me.
CHRISTINE: (he is following her out, carrying his jacket) Where you going, Isbecki?!
ISBECKI: Home! With the little woman. I mean, you're supposed to be pregnant tomorrow, so I thought...
CHRISTINE: That's your problem, Victor! ...Thinking!

[Restaurant]

(Cyndi comes up and taps Sy on the shoulder)
SY BISHOP: Oh, you're back. (as he ushers her alogside Chris) There you go, ...gorgeous.
(he hands her the menu)
CYNDI: Oh, I don't know what to eat. I feel like such a blimp.
SY BISHOP: You look spectacular. (to Josh) Doesn't she look spectacular?
JOSH RICHARDS: You look wonderful, Cyndi.
CYNDI: I'm three pounds heavier than I should be.
SY BISHOP: So order the fish. It's great here. We'll order it dry.
CYNDI: Oh, why not. It's just so confusing, (looking at Chris) which diet to be on these days. I mean, first they tell ya, to forget about the carbs, and suggest you eat protein.
SY BISHOP: Do you remember the water maiden? The worst. I mean nothing but meat and so much water, your kidneys are floating.
(they all laugh)
JOSH RICHARDS: Now they're telling you that meat's gonna raise your cholesterol.
CYNDI: What about cellulitis. (looking down at her legs) You should see these little orange-rindey thighs.
JOSH RICHARDS: Oh, come on Cyndi, the last time I saw that body of yours there was not an ounce of cellulitis. Hang on there a minute. Before you get out the duelling pistol, Sy, your little lady did appear for me in that little avant-garde play we did off-Broadway a couple of years ago.
SY BISHOP: Yeah. Oh, I'm not jealous. I don't look jealous do I?
CYNDI: (giving Sy a peck) I do love it when you do that, Sy.
SY BISHOP: Oh, come on.
JOSH RICHARDS: (chuckles. To Chris who has a menu) Have you decided?
CHRISTINE: Well, I don't know. I'm not real hungry.
CYNDI: Oh, don't say that. I'm sure you'll lose it quick, but you'll gain it back just as quickly. Believe me.
CHRISTINE: I'm not dieting.
CYNDI: You're lucky! You don't have to be in front of the camera. You know, it adds ten pounds. When I went out to the coast to do that picture with Clint, I asked for fresh salad in my dressing room. Well, you should have heard the uproar. I mean, you would have thought that I'd asked for my picture above the title. Every suit in the studio descended upon me with call sheets, telling me that the picture had gone over budget. I mean, we're talking about a salad here. A little itsy-bitsy salad.

[Chris's loft]

JOSH RICHARDS: Why couldn't you just relax and enjoy yourself.
CHRISTINE: Was I rude?
JOSH RICHARDS: You hardly said a thing all night.
CHRISTINE: Well, I'm sorry but dieting is not my favourite topic of conversation. That woman babbled on for forty-five minutes as if it was the most exciting thing in the world to her.
JOSH RICHARDS: You don't really like those sort of people, do you?
CHRISTINE: Frankly I find them very full of themselves and somewhat superficial.
JOSH RICHARDS: Yeah, well, they're not as fascinating as cops.
CHRISTINE: Well, at least cops talk about real things!
JOSH RICHARDS: Yeah, sure, pimps and junkies and drug dealers. I mean, that is a barrel of laughs!
CHRISTINE: Josh, I'm sorry, but I find it very difficult to deal with the things I deal with every day and spend my entire evening totally consumed with her cellulitis.
JOSH RICHARDS: Chris, you can't live in the gutter just because you work there.
CHRISTINE: What's that supposed to mean?
JOSH RICHARDS: Stop taking it home with you.
CHRISTINE: Where the hell am I supposed to leave it!
JOSH RICHARDS: What I am trying to say...
CHRISTINE: Wait a minute! I've seen people eat dogs when they can't afford a decent meal and this bimbo's worried about losing three lousy pounds.
JOSH RICHARDS: Different people live in different worlds. It is possible to move from one to t'other.
CHRISTINE: How!! How about selling children?! And she's...
(she has got out another bottle of wine which she finds is already empty. She chucks it at the trashcan and misses)
CHRISTINE: ...having a salad delivered to her dressing room! ...Let me tell you something, pal. The next time somebody steals your bloody sports car, call an ambulance!
JOSH RICHARDS: (picking up his jacket) Yeah, well, I just might.
CHRISTINE: Wait a minute! Where you going? ...I thought you were gonna spend the night.
JOSH RICHARDS: Well, under the circumstances there doesn't seem to be a lot of po...
CHRISTINE: What circumstances?! I'm angry!! I am not dead.
JOSH RICHARDS: Not tonight.
CHRISTINE: Got a headache?
JOSH RICHARDS: Oh, I guess I'm just not in the mood.
CHRISTINE: Oh Josh, this just isn't gonna work for you and me.
JOSH RICHARDS: Well, frankly I don't find you all that appealing when you behave this way.
CHRISTINE: Really? Well, isn't that terrific? Good night.

[Precinct front desk office]

(La Guardia has brought in a young male long-haired perp for booking in)
MARY BETH: It must be tough to this with both parents working, huh?
PETRIE: Ho, ho, ho.
MARY BETH: But you and Claudia are doing just fine. Right?
PETRIE: I wouldn't go that far.
MARY BETH: Well, what do you do with Lauren? Day care?
PETRIE: Claudia's mother. ...Day care. ...Baby sitting. The logistics would kill ya.
MARY BETH: That bad, huh?
PETRIE: Do you know the worst part?
MARY BETH: What?
PETRIE: The only one who knows for sure if it's working out is Lauren and she's too little to tell us.
MARY BETH: Oh, don't worry. When she's thirteen, you'll hear from her. Trust in me.
PETRIE: Thank you.
LA GUARDIA: (coming across from the desk) The most important thing you can do for your kid is not let them walk too early.
PETRIE: I beg your pardon.
LA GUARDIA: Well, premature homo-lateral movement can cause severe switching in the cerebral hemi-spheres. Do you know, right frame, left frame?
(Petrie looks across at the perp)
LA GUARDIA: See that. His parents probably encouraged him to walk to soon. (Chris, in a blue maternity dress, and Isbecki come in) Ah, here comes Ma and Pa Kendal now.
MARY BETH: How did it go?
CHRISTINE: Nothing. (to the bag lady) Hi ya, Josie.
MARY BETH: So?
CHRISTINE: We sit and waited for six hours. Not one bite. Oh, my feet are killing me.

[Detectives' Squad room]

ISBECKI: Hey, Lacey, you've one terrific partner there. Do you wanna trade?
I'll give you Petrie and two day duties. What do you say?
MARY BETH: No thank you, Victor.
MARY BETH: (massaging one of Chris's feet) Six hours with Isbecki. You must have had yourself a time?
CHRISTINE: Oh, he's not so bad. Actually he's a good cop. Believe it or not, he did sound very interesting.
MARY BETH: You had a fight with Josh.
CHRISTINE: We just came to an understanding.
MARY BETH: Yeah, what kind of an understanding?
JOSH RICHARDS: He thinks actresses are more his type.
MARY BETH: (picking up Chris's other foot) Oh.
CHRISTINE: (looking at her feet) Oh, thanks, that feels so good. ...I'm sorry Chris.
CHRISTINE: Hey! It's not a big loss.
MARY BETH: Harvey's making his famous pot roast tonight. Do you wanna come and join us?
CHRISTINE: No. I think I'll go home and get to bed early.
MARY BETH: Sure. You look a little tired.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. Pregnancy'll do that to ya!

[Laceys' lounge]

HARVEY: (hearing her at the door) Mary Beth?
MARY BETH [OC]: Hi ya, gorgeous.
HARVEY: Hi ya, babe.
(he opens the door and gives her a kiss)
MARY BETH: Where's Jeanie?
HARVEY: Jeanie? She's sleeping. I thought you said we weren't gonna name her. Make it hard...
MARY BETH/HARVEY ...when we have to give her up. Yes.
MARY BETH: Today, I thought about her as Jeanie. You know, Jeanie with the light brown hair. Like that film. Let's adopt her, Harve. Let's adopt her.
HARVEY: I thought we were baby-sitting for two weeks here.
MARY BETH: Has she been a problem. She hasn't been any problem at all, has she?
HARVEY: Slow down Mary Beth. Not to you, maybe, but what happens when I have to start work on this Greenway remodel. I won't be here to take care of her.
MARY BETH: We did it before, Harve. We did it twice...
HARVEY: No, no, no. My mother did it twice. She starts a new job next week.
MARY BETH: So, we get day care. We get a baby sitter. How else does every other family in America manage!
HARVEY: Mary Beth, she's gonna need special attention. The deafness, it's not a problem now but later...
MARY BETH: There's schools, Harve. There's special schools where we'd all learn sign language. ...Oh, you don't wanna do it.
HARVEY: Oh, Mary Beth, listen to me, she's a doll and I am crazy about her. But you and me, we are finally getting to stage in our lives. The boys'll be self-sufficient soon. I mean, we'll be able to go places. We can do things!
MARY BETH: I don't wanna do it. There's nothing more to be said. It's gotta be a two-way decision.
HARVEY: Did you hear me say me say 'No'!
(just then Jeanie starts to gurgle)
MARY BETH: She knows we're talking about her.
HARVEY: Jeanie.
MARY BETH: Yes.
HARVEY: Nice name.
MARY BETH: Honey, either way I love you. (to Jeanie) OK! All right! We're coming! Harvey, think it over. Eighteen more years she'll be out of the house.

[Department of Public Assistance welfare office]

(Chris and Isbecki are standing in line)
DPA CLERK: What are you two just gonna stand in line all day?
ISBECKI: I'll handle this, honey.
DPA CLERK: You haven't completed these forms properly.
ISBECKI: Oh yeah. Sorry. (putting his arm round Chris) It's kinda new for us. It's embarrassing. I've never been out of work before.
CHRISTINE: This isn't right, Joe. Let's get out of here. Please?
DPA CLERK: Er, no need for the missus to have false pride. Not in her condition. Yeah. Look, er, it's possible I can help you out. Really help you out. None of this Mickey Mouse government stuff. (taking a card out of his pocket) This guy's a lawyer,. Helps people like you get back on their feet. I'll call him and tell him you're on your way over there.
CHRISTINE: Thank you very much.

[Jarvis' office]

JARVIS: How much do you need?
CHRISTINE: I thought you said that there was trouble lending money.
JARVIS: I've also been known to say it's much greater to give than to receive, providing both sides do some giving. Ha, a, ha. There are a lot of fine people in this city, you know, really rich generous people. These folks have everything, save for one thing. They don't have children. Legal heirs to their fortune. And they're grieving for it.
ISBECKI: Tell us about them.
JARVIS: You have a girl in your belly that these generous folks would pay dearly to possess.
CHRISTINE: (protectively) My baby.
JARVIS: Huh, I know that may sound a little hard but, think of that child of yours growing up in a beautiful house with toys, clothes, college, computers. Think of yourself, now, you're young. You will have other children. This time, why you'll have a fifteen thousand dollar nest egg to see to the future.
ISBECKI: You're saying you'll buy our baby for fifteen thousand dollars.
JARVIS: Cash. ...Plus all hospital and incidental expenses.
CHRISTINE: (to Isbecki) Did you get it?
ISBECKI: (showing he has a recorder inside his jacket) Loud and clear.
CHRISTINE: Mr. Jarvis, you have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney and to have the attorney present during questioning.

[Detectives' Squad room]

ISBECKI: (carrying a box of files and coming in with Samuels) You should have seen Cagey. She was great. Wide eyed, sweet as pie. Then all of a sudden, bam! (plonking the box on Chris's desk who is sorting through other files ) 'OK, buster, you're under arrest!' I thought Jarvis was gonna lose it right there.
CHRISTINE: Come on, Victor, it's no big deal.
ISBECKI: Oh, I think you should get credit when you deserve credit.
CHRISTINE: Victor, enough already!
SAMUELS: Well, the Assistant DA is happy now. She's filing on Jarvis for conspiracy, child selling and criminal solicitation. (to Mary Beth as she comes up) They've got the one, that welfare clerk, and they've got an investigation going to see if they can find any others.
MARY BETH: What about the parents?
SAMUELS: Child abandonment and child endangering. We're bringing 'em both in.
MARY BETH: (to Chris) Did you get the file on Jeanie?
CHRISTINE: Yes.
MARY BETH: May I see it? (Chris hands her a file) 'Anne Jessup' (to Samuels) You gonna arrest her?
SAMUELS: Yeah.
MARY BETH: I'll bring her in.
SAMUELS: No, Lacey. The Uniforms are making the collars.
MARY BETH: Please, sir, I'd like to bring her in.
SAMUELS: Lacey! You can forget it.
(Mary Beth walks out. Chris's eyes follow her)

[Ladies' room]

(Chris comes in and switches the light on. Mary Beth is sitting on the bench. Chris goes to the mirror and plays with her hair)
CHRISTINE: So, what do you think? Should I cut little more off the top.
MARY BETH: Harve and I decided we're gonna try to adopt her.
CHRISTINE: Oh, yeah? Oh, that's wonderful.
MARY BETH: The Lieutenant should have let me be the one to bring the mother in.
CHRISTINE: For what? So that you can yell at her and frighten her?
MARY BETH: I wanna see her.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, it's only gonna make you feel bad.
MARY BETH: I'm never gonna have any peace with this here. I don't understand it.
CHRISTINE: There's nothing to understand! Some people you can't understand, Mary Beth. ...Now, go home! You don't wanna be here when they bring her in.
MARY BETH: No, I'm staying here.
CHRISTINE: You're going out of your way to cause yourself pain, my friend.
MARY BETH: No. Some day she is gonna ask me and I'm gonna have to have something to say.

[Bar]

CHRISTINE: (to the bartender as Isbecki puts his hand in his pocket) No way! Keep that on my tab. (to Isbecki) If I ask you out you're my guest. Here's to fighting crime and pursuing jesters. (as they their drink arms round each others and drink) And if you don't know when I'm hung up you buy it.
CHRISTINE: Isn't that good? You having fun?
ISBECKI: Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not used to girls taking me out on dates. Especially not you. But I was surprised when you asked me out.
CHRISTINE: (showing signs of inebriation) Is that 'Good surprise' or 'Bad surprise'?
ISBECKI: What do you think?
CHRISTINE: I don't know what I think. I'm asking you. How do I know? You might find me grim and depressing and unappealing.
ISBECKI: It's a joke. Right?
CHRISTINE: I never joke, Victor. Let me ask you something. What do you really think of me?
ISBECKI: Is this serious? ...Well er, I think you're really a looker, ...inviting. I think you're smart and I think you're a good cop. Enough?
CHRISTINE: More.
ISBECKI: You're scintillating. Captivating. Exciting. Enchanting.
CHRISTINE: OK. Now for the acid test. Are you ready? This is the question. Would you throw me out of bed on a cold night?
ISBECKI: Cagney, this is a joke. Right?
CHRISTINE: It was supposed to be a come on.
ISBECKI: Oh, I get it. I say 'Yes' and you laugh in my face. Right?
CHRISTINE: Victor, do you want me or not? I mean, we're two consenting adults, so which is it? Your place or mine?
ISBECKI: (kissing her on the cheek) You've got hurt feelings. You don't want me. Not tonight at least. Good night. They might soften by the morning.

[Interview room]

MARY BETH: (coming in later in the evening) I'm Detective Lacey, Mrs. Jessup. Did they tell you don't have to talk to me? (Anne Jessup nods) I just felt that I wanted you to know that my husband and I have been taking care of your daughter.
ANNE JESSUP: I never really saw her, you know. They took her away in the delivery room. What does she look like?
MARY BETH: Pretty. She's pretty, She's got er, big blue eyes, but I think they'll go brown. And a healthy appetite. ...Mrs. Jessup? Did they tell you in the hospital that she's deaf?
ANNE JESSUP: I don't think so. (tearfully) I want her back.
MARY BETH: You gave her away, Mrs. Jessup. You sold her.
ANNE JESSUP: We were living in two rooms without heat! I already had two children! ...They gave me ...money.
MARY BETH: Fifteen thousand dollars. You know, you should have hung around for the mark-up. When they sold again her it was thirty-five.
ANNE JESSUP: Shut up! ...I didn't... I didn't really know her yet. Don't you understand? She was just ...something inside of me. ...I want her back!
MARY BETH: That's for a court to decide.
ANNE JESSUP: She's my baby!
MARY BETH: What are you gonna do next time you can't make rent?!
ANNE JESSUP: (as Mary Beth opens the door to leave) You're not gonna get her, you know.
MARY BETH: I...
ANNE JESSUP: The courts always decide in favour of the natural mother.
MARY BETH: Maybe!
ANNE JESSUP: She's mine. ...My Sarah.
MARY BETH: Sarah?
ANNE JESSUP: That's the name that I gave her when I was carrying her. ...It's a pretty name, isn't it?
MARY BETH: Yes, a very pretty name. (coming back) Hey, lady, she needs more from you than a name. I hope to God she gets it.

[Laceys' lounge]

(the next day there is knock at the door)
MARY BETH: Yeah?
CHRISTINE [OC]: It's me.
MARY BETH: (opening the door) Hi ya. Thanks for coming. Sit down.
CHRISTINE: Where's Harvey?
MARY BETH: Oh, he's getting her dressed. We got her a sweet outfit.
CHRISTINE: Oh yeah.
MARY BETH: Yes.
CHRISTINE: So why didn't you keep her 'til the trials over.
MARY BETH: Oh, the Bureau wants her in a foster home.
CHRISTINE: So fight 'em.
MARY BETH: No.
CHRISTINE: Why not?
MARY BETH: The mother is not so bad. You know it's easy to judge, Chris. It's easy to judge, but how do I know what I would have done?
CHRISTINE: I know what you'd do. You'd adopt her if you had to.
CHRISTINE: The court's not gonna give her to me. I mean, the preference is the natural mother.
CHRISTINE: Well, you said she's OK. Her mother.
MARY BETH: Yeah.
CHRISTINE: And you can keep an eye on her.
MARY BETH: Yes.
CHRISTINE: That's good.
MARY BETH: Yes. You and Harvey are gonna have one of your own the old fashioned way before you know it.
MARY BETH: Yeah. (they both smile) Oh, Christine, I feel so sad.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth,...
(there is a knock at the door)
MARY BETH: Mrs. Rottenmeyer. (she nudges Chris. They giggle) Rosenmeyer. (opening the door) Oh, come on in.
MRS. ROSENMEYER: Officer Lacey.
MARY BETH: You remember Officer Cagney? Harve! (holding back the tears) Mrs. Rosenmeyer's here!
MRS. ROSENMEYER: (to Harvey) Well, she looks like she's been very well taken care of. (to Mary Beth) We really appreciate that.
MARY BETH: (to Jeanie) So long, kid. Of all the ginger heads in the world you've certainly got the prettiest one.
(as Harvey hands the baby to Mrs. Rosenmeyer, she lets out a little cry)
MARY BETH: I'll be thinking about you, Jeanie.
MRS. ROSENMEYER: ...Poor little thing. She came here with nowhere to stay.
CHRISTINE: That's what you think.
HARVEY: Bye, funny face.
MARY BETH: (picking up a bag and giving to Mrs. Rosenmeyer) There you go ...thank you. Have a beautiful life, Sarah.
CHRISTINE: Wanna beer?
(Mary Beth gives Chris a look)
CHRISTINE: OK.
(Chris leaves them alone and the Laceys kiss)

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