The Bounty Hunter
Original Airdate: April 23, 1984

[Pistol range]

(Isbecki, with the duo flanking him, are practising. He does a John Wayne, firing from the hip with his last three shots)
TANNOY: Cease firing! Retrieve you targets. Register them with the range officer. There will be no confirmation without signatures. (they wind in their targets and examine them)
ISBECKI: Boy, I really nailed this sucker.
CHRISTINE: Anybody we know?
ISBECKI: Lazarre.
MARY BETH: Who's Lazarre?
ISBECKI: He's this lawyer defending a dope deal I busted. (looking at the target) Aw, I got you right in the vital organs. You're a dead mouthpiece, Lazarre.
MARY BETH: Victor, lawyers are supposed to defend people. That's their job.
ISBECKI: Yeah, but this guy knows his client's guilty. He's going after my arrest procedure. He says I didn't knock and announce. Knocking, announcing!

[Precinct front desk office]

(they bring their targets to the Desk Sergeant)
CHRISTINE: So did ya? (to the Desk Sergeant giving him her target) You got a pen, Murphy?
(she signs her target)
ISBECKI: Well the guy had the evidence in one hand and a toilet brush in the other when I grabbed him. Lazarre's asking for dismissal on account of not knocking and announcing.
CHRISTINE: Well, did you knock?
ISBECKI: What do you expect me to do. Go on knock, kno...
(just then an attractive blonde walks past stopping Isbecki in mid sentence)
ISBECKI: (about the blonde) That looks like a nice fast target.
CHRISTINE: Isbecki, did you or didn't you knock and announce?
ISBECKI: Yeah. (Chris is staring at him with her hands on her hips) What's the matter?

[Detectives' Squad room]

LA GUARDIA: Salvatore Piaccissimo!
PETRIE: Salvatore pianissimo.
LA GUARDIA: (he repeats it with more cadence) Salvatore Piaccissimo!
PETRIE: Look, I never could speak foreign languages.
LA GUARDIA: Petrie, Italian is not meant to be spoken, it's meant to be sung.
LA GUARDIA: Salvatore Piaccissimo!
PETRIE: (throwing up his hand and walking away) Salvatore pianissimo!
(the duo comes in)
MARY BETH: (to Isbecki who is following them) I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear it!
LA GUARDIA: Chris, I have a message for you from ...Salvatore Piaccissimo.
ISBECKI: (interrupting) Salvatore. Sounds like a pansy name to me.
CHRISTINE: You wouldn't wanna get him in the ring, Isbecki.
ISBECKI: Oh yeah. his cologne'd probably knock me out, all right?
CHRISTINE: No, because when he quit five years ago, he was European middleweight champion. (to La Guardia) What did he say?
LA GUARDIA: Signor Piaccissimo says (taking her hand) to kiss your hand. A million regrets, but he cannot have dinner with you tonight. He was called unexpectedly back to Roma.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, La Guardia.
MARY BETH: Perfect teeth?
CHRISTINE: No, but he's Italian! ...He'll be back.
MARY BETH: Do you wanna come out to dinner with Harve Jr., Michael and me?
CHRISTINE: Where's Harvey?!
MARY BETH: Bowling night. The boys are screaming for dinner. Come on, we'll double date. You get Harve Jr., he's crazy about ya.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I'm gonna say that kid of yours in a couple of years...
MARY BETH: I've changed my mind, Christine. You keep your hands off.
(Chris lets out a deep throated laugh)
SAMUELS: (coming up) I've got that ID on the perp that knocked over the armoured car.
MARY BETH: Oh, thank you, sir. (reading from the file) 'Bertie Springer, aged thirty-eight, armed robbery, attempted homicide, defaulted on a bail bond in Michigan'.
CHRISTINE: So, they let him out on bail!
SAMUELS: Some judge in Detroit.
MARY BETH: He's already done two stretches, one for wounding a police officer.
SAMUELS: So what? He's just your ordinary, everyday, armed robber who we allow to roam the streets between convictions. That's all.
MARY BETH: Shall we go out on the streets, sir?
CHRISTINE: Why do they all come to New York?
SAMUELS: Because this the land of opportunity.
CHRISTINE: Let's go.
CHRISTINE: Money laundering, transit hotels, informants.
MARY BETH: Christine.
MARY BETH: Why don't we just give the picture to the night shift Uniforms? See if they can get a bite for us.
CHRISTINE: We can have a leg up if we start now!
MARY BETH: Do you know what time it is? We're off tour in twenty-one minutes. We have got two gorgeous guys dying to take us out to dinner.
CHRISTINE: So, we'll go by a couple of hotels on the way.
MARY BETH: Christine.
CHRISTINE: What? (Mary Beth shakes her head) So, where are they taking us? Some place snazzy!
MARY BETH: Oh, we're talking two weeks allowance here. I don't think so.
CHRISTINE: No wine, huh?
MARY BETH: Root beer.
CHRISTINE: Root beer.

[Hamburger restaurant]

(they are ordering at the counter)
HARVEY JR.: I'm gonna have the belly-buster burger.
CHRISTINE: What's the belly-buster burger?
HARVEY JR.: It's kinda bacon, barbeque sauce, chilli and relish.
CHRISTINE: Oh, I can handle that.
MARY BETH: How about you, Michael?
MICHAEL: I'll have the same.
MARY BETH: Since when did you like bacon?
MICHAEL: Oh yes. OK. I'll have a cheeseburger.
CHRISTINE: Michael. Come on. You've gotta go more flash than that. Order something exotic like your brother. You've got twenty-five different hamburgers to choose from.
MICHAEL: (looking up at the menu) I'm not that hungry.
CHRISTINE: You sure.
(Michael nods)
MARY BETH: All right, let's sit down. They'll bring it to us. (to Michael) You OK?
CHRISTINE: (sitting down) We didn't get anything to drink! Men, what are we gonna have to drink with our belly-button burgers?
HARVEY JR.: That's belly-buster burger.
HARVEY JR.: Besides you've gotta be eighteen to drink in New York.
CHRISTINE: Listen, we have very tight connections with the Police Department. It's all right.
MICHAEL: I want cream soda.
MARY BETH: It's not on the menu!
CHRISTINE: (quietly) Neither is wine.
MARY BETH: Can you pick something on the menu, Michael?
CHRISTINE: Can you see the menu all right?
MICHAEL: Of course. I can see enough. I'll have milk.
MICHAEL: What's wrong with milk?
HARVEY JR.: Milk's for nerds.
MICHAEL: Oh yeah. Who spends half an hour combing his hair for you-know-who?
HARVEY JR.: Shut up, dumb ball!
MARY BETH: Knock it off! Behave yourself. Christine, arrest him.
MICHAEL: (pointing at Michael) You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent.
HARVEY JR./CHRISTINE: If you do not remain silent...
HARVEY JR.: ...anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. (the duo looks at one another and smile) You have the right to an attorney and to have the attorney present during a period of questioning. (Michael is staring at the menu) If you so desire or cannot afford one an attorney will be appointed to you before...

[Detectives' Squad room]

LA GUARDIA: (into phone) Now you listen to me, Mr. Picken, if you don't arrange for your wife's bail, we're gonna have to transfer her to Central Booking. ...She's seventy-one years old. Believe me, jail is not a nice place for older people. ...I doubt very much if she tried to kill anybody, Mr. Picken. ...A sauce ladle is not a very efficient murder weapon!
(the duo comes in)
MARY BETH: I know what I'm talking about, Chris. He needs glasses. I'm gonna call the eye-doctor. Something else is bothering him.
CHRISTINE: You tried talking to him?
MARY BETH: No, not yet. With Michael, you've gotta wait a day at least. The other one talks...
UNIFORMED OFFICER: We got a squawk on Bertie Springer.
CHRISTINE: What did you come up with?
UNIFORMED OFFICER: Booked into a hotel.
UNIFORMED OFFICER: Last night, late. He's got a room there.
CHRISTINE: (taking a note) This the hotel?
UNIFORMED OFFICER: 48th Street, behind the Port Authority. That's the address.
CHRISTINE: Great. Thank you. (to Mary Beth) Come on let's go!
MARY BETH: Wait a minute, I'm calling the eye-doctor.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, the guy could be gone. Cancel the call.
MARY BETH: I'm coming. ...Hold on!

[Hotel staircase/corridor]

DESK CLERK: (as the duo follows him rushing up the stairs) They promised to fix the elevator three months ago. I've called every department...
MARY BETH: Will you please keep your voice down, sir.
DESK CLERK: Listen, you're not gonna break the door down, are you?
CHRISTINE: Not if we don't have to.
DESK CLERK: Do you know how much doors cost these days?
MARY BETH: Where is this place?
DESK CLERK: I have the key. (Mary Beth stops him in the corridor) I have the key. Maybe I could just open the door.
MARY BETH: We're about to go in there. We're gonna knock and announce ourselves as police officers. Now if he's in there and he don't come out, we're going in with guns drawn. So I wouldn't suggest you stand in the doorway (pointing to the key) with that in your hand in case...
DESK CLERK: Will there be violence. I abhor violence!
CHRISTINE: (grabbing him and pulling the other side of the door) Just give me the key, please! Over here. (knocking with the key) Police! open up!
CHRISTINE: (kicking the door open) Freeze!

[Hotel room]

MAGRUDER: (with his hands up) I'm frozen.
MARY BETH: Don't move.
MAGRUDER: I'm not moving.
CHRISTINE: Who are you?
MAGRUDER: My name's Michael Magruder. I can prove it.
MAGRUDER: Now look, I'm gonna take my right hand ...and move it down here, real slowly, to my chest pocket and with two fingers I'm taking out my ID and drop it right in front of you. OK?
MAGRUDER: OK. I'm moving,
(he drops the ID and Chris picks it up)
CHRISTINE: Michael Magruder. You work for a bail bond firm in the State of Michigan.
MARY BETH: What's funny, Michael?
MAGRUDER: (chuckling) Nothing.
(he continues to chuckle as Chris fleeces him. She finds a gun)
MARY BETH: You have a permit to carry concealed weapons, Mr. Magruder?
MAGRUDER: In four states, ma'am.
CHRISTINE: (finding another) This guy's a walking arsenal.
MAGRUDER: There's one more in my back pocket. There's a can of mace right here in my jacket. You don't think I do this gig with a squirt gun, do ya?
DESK CLERK: (poking his head round the door) Is this guy a cop?
MARY BETH: Did you identify yourself to this man as a police officer, Mr. Magruder?
MAGRUDER: Well, with just a little exaggeration.
CHRISTINE: What exactly is your job description, Mr. Magruder?

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Petrie and Isbecki are looking towards Samuels' office)
PETRIE: Bounty hunter, huh?
ISBECKI: He's a famous man. He had an article written about him in the er, "Tactical Services". He's Detroit PD decorated. He clearly went into business for himself. That man has brought in over one hundred bail skips.
PETRIE: Very impressive.
ISBECKI: He's a black belt in karate. He has this incredible gun collection. He could probably blow away half the Mid-West.
PETRIE: He's quite a man.
ISBECKI: You better believe it. Michael Magruder doesn't knock and announce. No search and seizure. Nothing! He just takes down the door, grabs the perp and locks 'em in the trunk of his car and ...bam! He's a legend.
PETRIE: Why doesn't he just lynch them on the spot?

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: Listen, Mr. Magruder, Bertie Springer's in New York now. That makes him my problem. After he stands trial, Michigan can have a piece of him.
MAGRUDER: Well, I'm afraid that doesn't help me out, Lieutenant. If he's not back in Detroit by the end of the month, the bounty's forfeit.
CHRISTINE: You can't just breeze into town and bust into a hotel and grab some guy and haul him off to Michigan!
MAGRUDER: (laughs) You're cute, honey, but you're not up on your constitutional law.
CHRISTINE: Now don't call me 'Honey'. So what the hell's the Constitution go to do with it?
MAGRUDER: (getting a folded piece of paper out of his pocket) You can keep that. I'm quoting from an eighteen-eighty-three Supreme Court decision which has never been overturned. Taylor versus Tantor, Eighty-three. US three-six-six. 'When bail is given, the principal is regarded as a continuance of the original imprisonment. Whenever the authorities, or any duly appointed agent thereof...' That's me. 'chooses to do so, they may seize and deliver him' That's Bertie Springer. 'And when they are not able to do so, they may imprison him until they are able to do so' That's not kidnapping. 'They may pursue him across State lines. They may arrest him on the Sabbath' Quaint, huh? 'They may even, if necessary, break and enter his house for that purpose' So on and so forth.
CHRISTINE: (tapping the paper) Is any of this legal?
SAMUELS: Yes, I'm afraid it is, Cagney. I called Legal and Intelligence and er, Magruder here is not unknown to the Department.
CHRISTINE: So what's your angle, Magruder?
MAGRUDER: Money, honey. Twenty-five percent of the bond.
MARY BETH: That bond's for two hundred thousand dollars.
CHRISTINE: You get fifty thousand dollars for Springer!
MAGRUDER: That's what makes this country great. It's a free enterprise system. God bless America! If you two gun molls hadn't come busting into that hotel room I'd be long gone. Now, of course, you've got a Uniform standing out in front of there, huh? Yeah? Bertie Springer ain't coming within ten miles of that dive. Look, Lieutenant, can I get out of here now, I've got work to do?
CHRISTINE: Can't we hold him on something?
MAGRUDER: Well, you might try B and E. That's 'Breaking and Entering' But I'll tell ya, I think that would fall apart faster than a dollar suit. You know those locks on those old places, They're all worn out. You know, you just breath on 'em, (he snaps his fingers) they just pop right open. And I didn't force the door. And I didn't leave any marks.
CHRISTINE: What were you doing in the hotel room?
MAGRUDER: Just visiting my old pal from Michigan, Bertie Springer. No, no, no. I think the DA would just throw you right out of his office. I'll tell you what though, you want a collar? Be my guest. Rene Walker, an old bond I can't make a dime on.
CHRISTINE: Don't do me any favours.
SAMUELS: We'll take him and we'll take Springer because they've both broken the law here in New York. Pick up your property at the desk on the way out, Magruder. Leave us your telephone number and your address in case we need to get in touch with you.
MAGRUDER: Seventy-two Ford van. No phone.
CHRISTINE: You live in a car?!
MAGRUDER: I don't like wasting money on hotel rooms. Well, it's been a little bit of Heaven, Lieutenant. (taking off his hat off) Ladies.
CHRISTINE: (shouting after him) I bet we get him!
MAGRUDER: Is that so?
CHRISTINE: Don't get in my way.
MAGRUDER: (sniggering) Oh, oh, oh, you are so cute! Cagney, honey, I'm gonna be in and out of this town so fast, you won't even know I was here.
(he makes a kiss)

[Laceys' lounge]

(the kids are watching TV)
MARY BETH: Come on, turn that off. It's bedtime
HARVEY JR.: (to Michael) The bad guy's gonna get it before the end.
MARY BETH: (turning off the TV) Oh, so you know how it's gonna end, so you won't miss anything.
MARY BETH: (to Harvey Jr.) You, brush your teeth and get into bed. I'll come and kiss you later. Michael, I want to talk to you. (Harvey Jr. leaves) Oh, Mikey, I called the doctor today. You know, the eye-doctor. He reminded me that three months ago at school you had your eyes tested. Twenty-twenty.
MICHAEL: I don't need glasses, Mum.
MARY BETH: So how come you couldn't read that menu last night.
I could read it. The letters were just small.
MARY BETH: Sweetheart, those letters were very big.
MICHAEL: Well, there were some hard words. That's all.
MARY BETH: You got C in reading last year, right? How you doing this year?
MARY BETH: How come I never see you reading around the house.
MICHAEL: Well, I just don't like reading.
MARY BETH: Michael, you're in the fourth grade. Reading is something that everybody has to have.
MICHAEL: I can learn fast, you know.
MARY BETH: Then you didn't get grade C, did you. (he shakes his head. Mary Beth puts her arm round him) Michael, if you've got a problem then we've gotta talk about it.
MARY BETH: Sweetheart, talk to me. I got a problem! (he tries to struggle free) No! last night I went to bed but I couldn't sleep, because I knew something was bothering you and I don't know what it is, so we've gotta talk about it. OK, baby? I mean, I'm all ears. Whatever it is, we'll take care of it.
MICHAEL: I can't read, Ma. I can't read.
MARY BETH: Give me a hug. I need a hug.

[Precinct House yard]

(the duo gets out of the car)
CHRISTINE: How could he have gotten all the way to the fourth grade without being able to read?
MARY BETH: I don't know but I'm gonna find out. Harve and I have an appointment with his teacher at noon.
CHRISTINE: Do you believe it's his teacher's fault?
MARY BETH: I'm gonna find out! And what if we hadn't gone to that hamburger restaurant, when would I have noticed?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, the schools are overcrowded and there ain't enough money.
MARY BETH: I'm not talking about them teaching nuclear physics here, I'm talking basic reading. 'Run, Spot, run', 'Bonzo burger', 'Side of French fries', 'More onions', 'Root beer'.

[Precinct front desk office]

PETRIE: (handing a box to the duo as they come in) Forensics sent this stuff over from Springer's hotel room.
MARY BETH: Thank you, Marcus.
PETRIE: You're welcome.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: Magruder probably went through all this back in the room. It ticks me off.
MARY BETH: Christine, he's on our side.
CHRISTINE: He's a flake! He's a one-man judge, jury and executioner!
MARY BETH: Chris, if he gets Bertie Springer off the streets, that's one less armed robber for you and I to worry about.
CHRISTINE: (getting a file out of the cabinet) Well, he doesn't have to write up anything. He doesn't have to have to knock and announce. He just barges in and grabs the perp and disappears!
MARY BETH: Are you jealous?
MARY BETH: Sometimes, Christine, I wonder if that's the way you wanna work.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, there is a difference between an aggressive cop and being a kidnapper!
MARY BETH: Let's face it, Christine, you've got this fantasy of being Dirty Harry.
CHRISTINE: That is not true.
MARY BETH: You love it. (indicating the contents of the box) Anyway you're better looking than him.
CHRISTINE: I'll telling you, I'm gonna nab this Springer and do it before Magruder. You just watch me do it. ...Let me see that lighter.
MARY BETH: Initials VR.
CHRISTINE: Maybe we could connect someone to the lighter. Look, here. He has an ex-wife, name of Violet, moved to New York.
MARY BETH: Violet Springer's VS.
CHRISTINE: Well, she could have been married, Mary Beth, and her husband's last name starts with R. Maybe her maiden name starts with R. Anyway you've got VR.
MARY BETH: Possible.
CHRISTINE: How about the MVD? If there's a vehicle driver's licence application for Violet Springer. They'd know if she changed her name (getting her coat off the stand) and they'd also have a new address on her.
MARY BETH: OK. I gotta be at Michael's school in fifty-four minutes.
CHRISTINE: Well, can't it wait?
MARY BETH: No it can't wait! Calling the eye-doctor can wait. this just cannot wait!
CHRISTINE: All right.
MARY BETH: Some of us have regular lives, Christine. Some of us have obligations and families outside of this precinct.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, all right, I'll go by myself.
MARY BETH: Fine, I'll be in Queens. I'll be back there by two.
CHRISTINE: Very good.

[New York State, Motor Vehicles Department]

CHRISTINE: Brudinski, do I have to through this song and dance every time I have a request for computer run?
BRUDINSKI: You could try going through channels for it.
CHRISTINE: It takes three days to go through channels!
BRUDINSKI: Going out to dinner with me would take one evening.
CHRISTINE: This is sexual harassment, Brudinski.
BRUDINSKI: Who said anything about sex. I'm talking about dinner.
CHRISTINE: You could try going through channels yourself. You could pick up a telephone and call me like a normal person.
BRUDINSKI: Ring, ring!
CHRISTINE: I'm going out with someone.
CHRISTINE: (walking out) I'm going through the channels.
BRUDINSKI: I already ran it while you were getting coffee. I have trouble saying 'No' to you.
BRUDINSKI: Interesting dating technique. Saucy.
BRUDINSKI: Hey, listen, you can be kind of intimidating some...
CHRISTINE: (looking at the computer printout) I love it! I love it when a long shot pays off. You're a doll, Brudinski. Thanks. (she goes out and then comes back) What the hell do you mean 'Intimidating'?
BRUDINSKI: Well, are.
(Chris looks crestfallen)
BRUDINSKI: ...Some ...times.
CHRISTINE: There's a little sushi restaurant on Forty-third and First. Thursday, eight o'clock.
BRUDINSKI: (as she leaves) You're on. (after she's gone) Raw fish.

[Squad car]

MARY BETH: So she said to me, 'The problem is all over the schools. It's even in the high schools' I'm not buying it, Chris.
CHRISTINE: You're not a teacher, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: No, I'm a mother, and mothers know children.
CHRISTINE: But not all mothers are objective about their children.
MARY BETH: So, what are you an expert on children all of a sudden?
CHRISTINE: No, I'm not even arguing with you. I'm just giving you her point of view. She told you she has over forty kids in the class. She obviously doesn't have the time to spend with Mike.
MARY BETH: No excuse. It's just not good enough.
CHRISTINE: I know that. I'm just saying how would you like it if she came in the precinct to tell you how to do your job?
MARY BETH: Oh, I knew I should not try and discuss this with you, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Fine. We'll just drop it.
MARY BETH: That's OK by me.
CHRISTINE: I think Springer's staying with his ex-wife. I do. I believe they made contact with that lighter.
MARY BETH: Could have had that lighter forever.
CHRISTINE: I doubt it. They've been divorced for ten years.
MARY BETH: The traffic going down to Staten Island's going to be murder.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, could you stop being on edge about every thing?
MARY BETH: It's part of life, Christine. I've been up eleven and a half hours. I've been at work eight. On my lunch hour they told me my kid can't read. They can't do anything about it. I'm supposed to put in a him in private school. I'm tired and I'm hungry and I got a stinker of a headache.
CHRISTINE: Gee, I'm sorry about Michael. It's true. I am! But we gotta stay on this.
MARY BETH: What, you afraid Magruder's gonna get there first?
CHRISTINE: If he's wired into somebody at the MVD....
CHRISTINE: The price for this information is dinner with Stanley Brudinski.
MARY BETH: (quietly) Oh, geeze. ..Are you gonna take the ferry?
CHRISTINE: Sure. ...When was the last time you saw the Statue of Liberty from the water at sunset.
MARY BETH: June twenty-fifth, nineteen seventy-four. ...Trust me.
(there is a beautiful aerial linking shot of the statue)

[Staten Island street]

(the car drives up behind a Ford van)
CHRISTINE: Eight thirty-one, there it is.
MARY BETH: That man's got here first.
CHRISTINE: What is he doing here?
MARY BETH: Take it easy, Christine. Unless he's pretending to be something he isn't, he's got a right to be here.
(as Chris gets to Violet Springer's house door, Magruder comes out)
MAGRUDER: Hi ya, doll face.
CHRISTINE: What are you doing here?
MAGRUDER: Wasting my time. It's a real human tragedy in there. You know, she's been juicing all day. Cheap Bourbon. She'll probably offer you some. If I were you I wouldn't take it.
(Magruder goes towards his van)
MARY BETH: Did you tell her you were a police officer?
MAGRUDER: Hey, that's against the law!
CHRISTINE: Magruder, wait a minute!
MAGRUDER: Yeah, you're right, sweetie, we ought to keep in touch. Hey, I'll tell you what. How about tomorrow night. I think I can fit you in after midnight. (he gets in the van) Have a nice day!
CHRISTINE: (as Magruder sounds a klaxon) How does he get away with it?
MARY BETH: I don't know. Maybe he had lunch with Brudinski.

[Violet Springer's lounge]

MARY BETH: When was the last time you saw your ex-husband, Miss.
VIOLET SPRINGER: Bertie. Three days ago. He called me, needing money. But he always needs money. Always calls me when he does.
CHRISTINE: Why does he need money? He just knocked over an armoured truck.
VIOLET SPRINGER: Needs some while he's looking for someone to launder it.
CHRISTINE: Did you tell this to Magruder?
(she shakes her head)
MARY BETH: Did you give Bertie the money he asked for?
VIOLET SPRINGER: Do you know what hush money is? OK. My husband doesn't know anything about that. You can only understand that when you've been married to a man like Bertie Springer.
CHRISTINE: Has Bertie Springer tried to contact you since then?
(she shakes her head again)
MARY BETH: You gotta a number on him?
(and again)
MARY BETH: Any idea where he is?
CHRISTINE: What else did you tell Magruder?
VIOLET SPRINGER: Nothing! Just what I told you.
MARY BETH: Here's my card. I want you to call us immediately if your ex-husband tries to contact you again.
CHRISTINE: That applies to Magruder too! You don't want to get yourself into trouble for hindering prosecutions. You call us and let us know if either Magruder or Springer try and contact you. In fact, where it comes to Magruder, I don't want you even talking to him! You just tell us.
VIOLET SPRINGER: Find him and get this man out of my life.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I'm gonna find him. And we'll put him away for twenty or thirty years.

[Laceys' bedroom]

(Mary Beth and Harvey are making the bed)
MARY BETH: So we sacrifice some.
HARVEY: Some? Four thousand dollars a year tuition is more than some. What about Harvey Jr.? Do we punish him for doing OK and don't send him to the same fancy private school as Michael?
MARY BETH: All right, we send him too!
HARVEY: Hey! that'll be eight thousand dollars a year and what do suggest we cut out of our budgets?
MARY BETH: Food or rent?
MARY BETH: I don't know, Harve! What I know is that Michael can't read! And if money is gonna help it, we have to get money!
(the phone goes)
MARY BETH: (into phone) What!! ...Oh, Chris. ...Yes, Chris. We're off duty now, Chris. Could we just... ...Will you listen to me? ...No! I'm not going to Staten Island tonight. I've put in my eight hours. Eight hours and forty-six minutes. Tonight I am fighting with my husband! That's it. I'll see ya in the morning!
(she rings off)
MARY BETH: That woman is driving me out of my mind. OK, Harve, where were we with Michael?
HARVEY: Putting him into some private school. We've gotta do it some other way.
MARY BETH: Yeah, like what?
HARVEY: Like, if the school's not doing it then, we've gotta do it ourselves.
MARY BETH: Oh, just like that!
HARVEY: No. But it's gonna take hard work, but Michael's gonna learn how to read. And you and me and our kid, we're gonna take the time, and we're gonna make the effort, and that is gonna make the difference, not shipping him off to some fancy private school.
HARVEY: You sure?
MARY BETH: Yeah. You know, we may not have all the money in the world but we do have the love. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way around. ...So suddenly you've got nothing to say, huh?
MARY BETH: I love you, Harve. I just wish we had an extra eight thousand dollars.
(they fall on the bed and kiss)
MARY BETH: All right, we start to tutor the kid on Saturday.
HARVEY: (kissing her again) OK.
MARY BETH: All right, Saturday. And he's gonna have to give up baseball.
HARVEY: We've gotta give up Saturday. The one day we've got to ourselves.
MARY BETH: The kid better learn to read fast.
HARVEY: You said it.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (coming in) Morning.
MARY BETH: Morning. How was the stake out?
CHRISTINE: Very exciting. Violet was alone all night and watched television.
MARY BETH: I've called over Staten Island. They're gonna try to get a man outside her.
CHRISTINE: Magruder's gonna get there ahead of us anyway! He bribes 'em. (Chris's phone goes) Will you take that for me, Mary Beth?
MARY BETH: (into phone) Detective Lacey, Fourteenth. ...Thank you.
(she rings off)
MARY BETH: (to Chris) Oh, boy. We've got a hostage situation in a coffee shop on West Seventh. The perpetrator inside is asking for you. (Chris seems to be deep in thought with a smile on her face) ...Can't go?

[West 7th Street]

(the Squad car arrives. siren and red light going. There is a crowd on the pavement. The duo gets out)
MARY BETH: (to a uniformed officer) Who's in charge?
(he indicates a uniformed sergeant. They keep low behind patrol cars as they go to them)
CHRISTINE: Yes, I'm Cagney. How many people are in there?
SERGEANT: They said he let everybody leave apart from the guy that got shot. He says he's not coming out 'til you get here.
CHRISTINE: Who's the guy?
SERGEANT: Says his name's Magruder.
CHRISTINE: (through a megaphone) Magruder! This is Detective Cagney. Get out here with your hands up.
MAGRUDER: (holding a white handkerchief) Hi ya Cagney, honey. Just wanted to make sure some trigger-happy Uniform didn't make a tragic mistake.
MARY BETH: All right, secure your weapons. Put 'em away. He's on our side, sort of. (to the uniformed officer) He's a bounty hunter.
MAGRUDER: Beautiful ladies, you better get the meat wagon down here. This boy's about a quart low.
CHRISTINE: (Chris training her gun on Magruder again) So who's hurt?
MAGRUDER: Rene Walker. He's all yours. Sorry I couldn't deliver him in better condition.
MARY BETH: (to the uniformed officer) Ambulance, Sergeant.
SERGEANT: (pointing) Ha. I've seen this guy on television. Ha. I'll be damned.
(Chris goes up to Magruder and trains her gun again)
MAGRUDER: Hi ya, cutie.
CHRISTINE: Up against the wall, Magruder.
CHRISTINE: Spread 'em!
MAGRUDER: Ooh! Ooh, Cagney, don't do that. I live alone.
CHRISTINE: You're dreaming.


(as Walker is wheeled past on a gurney)
MAGRUDER: Rene Walker. He's no rocket engineer. I wouldn't have shot him if he hadn't got a gun. Believe me, if I'd have wanted to I could have iced him.
CHRISTINE: Oh, you're a true humanitarian.
MAGRUDER: (to the reception nurse) Can I get a cup of coffee, doll.
MARY BETH: How did Springer get away?
MAGRUDER: Ha, I must be getting old. I guess he was watching the door. He made me before I made him.
MARY BETH: Oh, he knows you!
MAGRUDER: Well, where I come from, ma'am, I'm kinda famous.
CHRISTINE: Oh, and to think you would even talk to us mere mortals.
MARY BETH: How did Springer get away?
MAGRUDER: He ducked into the Men's room. Didn't even bother warn his partner. That's what kind of a sweetheart he is. (the coffee arrives) Thanks.
RECEPTION NURSE: You got a dollar on you?
MAGRUDER: No. (giving her a five dollar bill) Keep it. Anyway, I spot Mr. Walker. I go over and talk to him. Bang! Men's room door opens, out comes Springer firing away. Walker pulls his gun, I pull mine. It gets a little exciting for a minute. I drop Walker. Head for the street. Springer's gone. Car's still there.
CHRISTINE: How did he get away?
MAGRUDER: You're not exactly no rocket engineer yourself, are you honey? Subway's right down the corner.
CHRISTINE: Just tell us what happened, will you, Magruder.
MAGRUDER: Just the facts, ma'am. I come back here to see how Mr. Walker is feeling. All of a sudden all hell busts loose in the street out there. The cavalry has arrived, and then just a few minutes later, (putting his hand on Chris's) honey doll, you show up to brighten my entire day.
CHRISTINE: (smiling sweetly) You know what, Magruder,'re under arrest.
MAGRUDER: You gotta be kidding.
CHRISTINE: I'm absolutely certain.
MAGRUDER: (as Chris slaps a cuff on his wrist) Ooh!
CHRISTINE: Don't wanna hurt ya.
MAGRUDER: (as she puts his arm behind his back) Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Last time I looked, self-defence still held water in the New York penal codes, Cagney.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, well tell that to a judge.
(he laughs)
CHRISTINE: What's so funny?
MAGRUDER: Oh, I thought you only heard lines like that on television. Ow! (as Chris completes cuffing him) Come on, Lacey, show her how to use these things, will ya, she's killing me!
MARY BETH: I'm busy.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Magruder is in the holding cell)
ISBECKI: It says in that magazine article you've even got a machine gun. I bet you those perps showed you a lot of respect when you pulled out that sucker, huh?
ISBECKI: You don't even have to fire a warning shot to announce yourself, do ya?
ISBECKI: You've got it made, man.
MAGRUDER: Do you know what I really like, Victor. Your name is Victor, isn't it.
MAGRUDER: What I really like, Victor, is when I line those cross hairs right up on that left ventricle. Huh? Then I squeeze the trigger nice and slow. Boom. (the duo comes in) Good evening, ladies! Did you get anything out of Walker?
CHRISTINE: None of your business.
MAGRUDER: No, and I didn't feel bad, neither, did I?
SAMUELS: Cagney, Lacey, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to release your friend here. (indicating to Isbecki to get the key of the holding cell) Isbecki.
CHRISTINE: How'd he make bail?
SAMUELS: Well, the Assistant DA refused to file. Said it was an edgy case.
(Magruder chuckles)
CHRISTINE: Did he? Magruder shot the guy!
SAMUELS: No, it was self-defence. All the other witnesses said the other guy shot first.
MAGRUDER: Yeah, did you hear that, Cagney? Huh. The American justice system triumphs again. Checks and balances deigned to protect the defenceless citizen against the over-zealous police officer. (as he comes out of the holding cell) Thank you, Victor. Lieutenant, I'm sorry if I caused you any inconvenience.
SAMUELS: Isbecki, (giving him the release documents) process this. (to Magruder) Get the hell out of here.
MAGRUDER: (Chris is on the phone) Hey, Cagney, how are ya? I'll be out of here in an hour or so. How about fixing me dinner tonight?
(Magruder walks away)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Yeah. Van. Michigan licence. ...What do you mean, you already towed it?! ...Well, put it back!! ...No, I'm not kidding, put it back exactly where you found it! And I want it there within an hour. ...OK. Thanks.
MARY BETH: Conference, Christine.

[Ladies' room]

MARY BETH: Would you please tell me exactly what you're doing, Christine?
CHRISTINE: It is no big deal! I am tired of Magruder being one step ahead of us all the time. So I'm staking out his car. I am going to wait for him and then I'm gonna follow him and see what else he comes up with. Make sense?
CHRISTINE: Good. Mary Beth, I understand that you have Harvey and that you're worried about Michael. And I'm not even asking you to go with me this time. I'm perfectly happy to do this by myself. So there's no reason for you to be mad.
CHRISTINE: You are mad. Aren't you?
MARY BETH: You want me to talk now.
CHRISTINE: Sure. I really do.
MARY BETH: OK. You and I have been at each other about this for two days. And I'm not mad. I am, however, concerned. I'm concerned about you. I'm concerned that you are becoming so obsessed with this Magruder person that you are burning yourself out. Going without sleep. Working all night. You're sounding like a fanatic, Christine. Am I right? ...Now, if I remember correctly, you have a date tonight.
CHRISTINE: (apologetically) I forgot about Brudinski.
MARY BETH: That's what I'm talking about. See, all you're thinking about is Magruder, And it happens that Brudinski is a very nice person. Go out, Christine! Have a dinner, a little diversion, and considering that it's Brudinski, probably a good night's sleep. Now tomorrow, you and I, we, will go back on the case, but tonight leave it go. All right? (Chris nods) Good. I'm going home. I'll see ya tomorrow. (turning back at the door) Have a good time.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (into phone) Brudinski? ...Cagney. ...Ah, listen, I'm real sorry about tonight but I have a stake out. (Isbecki comes up) ...What, next Friday? ...Absolutely. ...The sushi place? ...Terrific, I'll see you then. OK. Bye.
ISBECKI: Brudinski? You'd go out with Brudinski but you wouldn't go out with me.
CHRISTINE: The man has admirable techniques, Victor.

[West 7th Street]

(Chris is in the Squad car across the road from Magruder's van. He sees her there, chuckles and gets out. Chris slides down in the seat. He comes over and knocks on the window of the car)
MAGRUDER: Hi, Cagney honey. When did you change your mind about dinner?
(Chris sits up and starts the car)
MAGRUDER: Whoa there. We'll do it later, then. Listen sweetie, we'll have to use your place if we're gonna spend the night together, you know, because, like I told you, I don't like wasting the money on hotel rooms. (as Chris drives off) You remember I told ya... Cagney. Cagney. (he laughs and shouts after her) I've got an air mattress in the back of the van!


(7.00 AM on a weekday. Outside the Laceys' apartment the residents move their cars to the other side of the street. NB This is the opening scene from the pilot episode)

[Laceys' kitchen]

(Mary Beth is getting the kids their breakfast)
MICHAEL: How come you don't buy any good cereals, Mum? Kinda colours and chocolate.
MARY BETH: Detective La Guardia tells me that there is more nutrition in a box they come in than the cereal inside. I, N, S, I, D, E.
MICHAEL: I, N, S, I, D, E.
MARY BETH: Perfect.
MICHAEL: I'd rather eat the box than this stuff.
HARVEY JR.: I'd rather eat a shoe than this stuff.
MICHAEL: I'd rather eat the Empire State Building than this stuff.
(Harvey is smiling)
MARY BETH: This stuff is good for ya,. It's got a lot of fibre. F, I, B, E, R.
MARY BETH: (looking at Harvey) Pancakes tomorrow?
HARVEY JR.: I've gotta get my notebooks.
MARY BETH: (to Michael) Oh, don't forget to bring your books home tomorrow. We're gonna work, OK?
MICHAEL: I can't tomorrow.
MARY BETH: What does that mean?
MICHAEL: The coach. He said he'd let me pitch. Can we delay it for another week? OK?
MARY BETH: No, Michael. Tomorrow.
MICHAEL: Dad, tell her, OK. You understand, don't you? It's real important.
HARVEY: I know, Mikey, but this is more important.
MICHAEL: What do you guys want from me anyway? I'm not smart, OK? Harve Jr.'s the smart one. Why can't you just leave me alone?
MARY BETH: You are smart. You can learn anything.
MICHAEL: I feel so dumb.
HARVEY: Mikey, Albert Einstein, do you know who he was?
MICHAEL: The smartest man in the world.
HARVEY: You got it! And he had trouble in school too.
MARY BETH: You're as smart as anybody, Michael Emmanuel Lacey. and we know you can do it. ...OK? ...Tomorrow? T, O...
MARY BETH: Double R...
MICHAEL: Double R...
MARY BETH: (tapping her plate in applause) Good boy.
(Harvey pats him on the head)

[Locker room]

MARY BETH: Good morning, Chris!
CHRISTINE: (grumpily as she touches up her eye makeup) Morning.
MARY BETH: You look like you haven't slept all night. ...Oh, Chris. Brudinski?!
CHRISTINE: I didn't see Brudinski, last night.
MARY BETH: You lied to me.
CHRISTINE: I didn't lie to you. I just didn't agree. Mary Beth, what is your problem?
MARY BETH: My problem? My problem is you. I don't know what I hate more. When you lie to me or when you rush off by yourself and leave me sitting here like some second banana.
CHRISTINE: Believe me, you didn't miss a thing.
MARY BETH: And it's good of you to decide that for me too.
CHRISTINE: Look, I can't see what it is that you want!
MARY BETH: I want you to stop running around like some one-woman vigilante committee! Start treating me like a partner!
CHRISTINE: I'd like that but you're never there! And it's not like that you haven't been asked!
MARY BETH: Don't you change the subject on me, Chris.
CHRISTINE: OK. Great. Right. Full disclosure between partners. Ready. I staked out Magruder's car last night.
MARY BETH: Thank you. I figured that out for myself.
CHRISTINE: No, you didn't figure out the whole thing because I haven't told you the fun part. The fun part is that it took Magruder about thirty seconds to catch on and he spent the whole rest of the time making me look and feel like a total fool. Now that is the full disclosure. ...Satisfied?
ISBECKI [OC]: Cagney, and Lacey, there's somebody here to see ya.
MARY BETH: Yeah, in a minute!

[Interview room]

VIOLET SPRINGER: I can't say no to him. I can't stop him.
CHRISTINE: You gave him money.
MARY BETH: Where is he, ma'am?
VIOLET SPRINGER: I don't know. He maybe at the bank.
CHRISTINE: How much did you give him?
VIOLET SPRINGER: He wanted a thousand, but I was too afraid it would be a write-off. So I gave him three hundred and fifty. But he starts screaming at me that'd barely get him to Atlantic City. I was lucky. I was lucky that he was too afraid to cause a scene and beat me up in public.
CHRISTINE: I'll call Kennedy. (to Mary Beth) You call La Guardia.
VIOLET SPRINGER: (as Chris rushes to the door) He's not flying. I think he's taken the bus.
VIOLET SPRINGER: From Staten Island.
MARY BETH: (leaving) I'm on it.
CHRISTINE: How do you know?
VIOLET SPRINGER: Well, he's too afraid of the cops, so he won't go to Port Authority. He's afraid of weapons checks, so he won't fly. And he doesn't want to use ID's so he won't rent a car. At least that's what Mr. Magruder said.
CHRISTINE: Magruder? I told you not to talk to him!
VIOLET SPRINGER: I know you said not to talk to him. He gave me three hundred and fifty dollars to tell him.
CHRISTINE: He's everywhere!
VIOLET SPRINGER: And I need that money to put it back in my account. My Joe's gonna find out anyway. I know he will unless you can do something. ...Anything.
MARY BETH: (coming in) Christine, the next bus to Atlantic City leaves in thirty-nine minutes. (to Violet Springer) Will you excuse us, please.

[Squad car]

MARY BETH: (as the car screams round a corner) You're going to fast!
CHRISTINE: I cannot believe it. How did he do it?

[Bus station car park]

(the car pulls across the front of Magruder's van. They get out and run to the van)
CHRISTINE: (thumping the van) No! Where the hell is he? Come on!
MARY BETH: Come on where? If he gets Springer, he's gonna bring him back here.
CHRISTINE: OK, stay with the van. I'm gonna go check the buses. Magruder's in here somewhere.
MARY BETH: (running after Chris) Will quit telling me what to do. You're not Magruder. We're both of supposed to be going after Springer. I'm going too.

[Bus station]

(the duo comes in shouting. Magruder is fleecing Springer)
MAGRUDER: You're going back to Michigan, boy. We've gotta move. Low!
(on hearing them, he drags Springer off. A crowd surrounds the duo)
MAN PASSENGER: ...You've got police brutality. You tried to deny it.
WOMAN PASSENGER #1: ...beating people up in broad daylight. You people ought to ashamed of yourselves.
CHRISTINE: (to another woman) Do you know which way he went?
WOMAN PASSENGER #2: No, I don't know where he went and I wouldn't tell you if I did.
MARY BETH: (to a bus driver) What did you see?
BUS DRIVER: The other cop was just here. He let the guy off.
CHRISTINE: The other cop. Was he a big burly guy?
BUS DRIVER: Yeah, yeah.
MARY BETH: Where did he go?
BUS DRIVER: (walking away as the bus loads up) Directly to 'JAIL'. He did not pass 'GO'!
(the crowd laughs)
CHRISTINE: I am going to the van.
MARY BETH: Fine! I will check inside.
(Mary Beth moves among the parked buses. Magruder has Springer behind a bus with a gun at his head. Seeing Mary Beth, he puts his other hand over Springer's mouth)
MARY BETH: (to a couple of bus mechanics) Detective Lacey, NYPD. Listen, fellas, I'm looking for a pair of suspects. Now one is a big burly guy, about forty, wears a pork pie hat.
MAGRUDER: Do you wanna stay with the pretty ladies in New York or do you wanna go back to Michigan with me, huh?
MARY BETH: I'd like to look around anyway. OK?
BUS MECHANIC: Yes sir. You're the cops.
MAGRUDER: Come on you sleaze bag. OK, we're going, nice and quiet. Right, we're travelling!
(as Magruder manhandles Springer along, Springer manages to grab a hot water pipe from a wall and pull it off. It drenches Magruder who loses his hat and his gun which Springer grabs and points at Magruder)
SPRINGER: I've got you now, Magruder! Get back over there!
MARY BETH: (hearing Springer she draws her gun) Police! ...Police. Will ya hold it right there. Hold it right there! ...Put the gun down! I'll shoot you if I have to. Put it down, Bertie.
(Magruder has drawn another gun and he and Springer are circling, pointing the guns at each other. All three are shouting)
MAGRUDER: Come on, Lacey, don't be stupid!
MAGRUDER: This sleaze is tried and convicted in Detroit. Here he's gonna get some hotshot lawyer and he's gonna walk!
MARY BETH: Magruder, lay your gun down!
MAGRUDER: Let me take him back to Michigan. Twenty years guaranteed, no 'ifs', no 'buts'.
MARY BETH: Michigan can have him when we're through! I'll protect you, Bertie. I'll protect you, OK?.
MAGRUDER: All right, now you listen. How about this, huh? How about this for a consultancy fee? Yeah! I'll give you ten percent of what I get. Ten percent, Lacey, that's five thousand bucks. I know what a cop gets. Don't tell me that you can't use five thousand, Lacey?
SPRINGER: Do your job, lady! Don't him ride ya!
MARY BETH: Easy, Bertie.
MAGRUDER: Yeah, sure, listen to him. He likes it New York. He wants to stay in New York. Come on Lacey, think about it! Five grand! All you gotta do is not find us!
MARY BETH: I did find you, Magruder! And you can't get Bertie Springer outta here. He owes us two many firsts!
MAGRUDER: Congratulations, Lacey! You're a perfect cop! Dumb and honest!
MARY BETH: I'm tired of this here, Magruder! You've got five seconds. One... (Bertie begins to yelp) Two... Three... Four...

[Bus station car park]

(she has seen Mary Beth escorting Bertie Springer out of the bus station in handcuffs)
MARY BETH: What?! We made the collar!
CHRISTINE: He was mine!
MARY BETH: Springer belongs to the State of New York.
CHRISTINE: He was mine, Mary Beth. You didn't care about this case.
MARY BETH: You're acting very strange, Christine.
CHRISTINE: He was mine.
MAGRUDER: (coming up to Chris) Honey, you're real spunky. I love your spirit, honey.
CHRISTINE: Don't you call me honey again! Don't you ever call me anything again! If you step one foot in New York City, Magruder, again...
MAGRUDER: I know how you feel, darling. I wish I could spend more time with you too. But I've gotta go to San Francisco to pick up a guy. Sorry.
CHRISTINE: If I ever see your face again, Magruder..
(Mary Beth smiles. It's like a lovers tiff)
MAGRUDER: Hold on, hold on. I'll call you the minute I get back to New York. I promise.
CHRISTINE: If you and that blue van are not on the other side of the Hudson River in twenty minutes, I'll send the CCF after you. I've got SWAT teams, I've got dogs I've got...
MAGRUDER: (coming close to her) Hey, I'm not much of a letter writer, Christine, but remember, no matter what, we've had this last few days together. Nobody can take that away from us now, can they? ...Can they? ...I'll be thinking about you. Bye.
(Mary Beth is still smiling)
CHRISTINE: (to Magruder in his van) Go away!
MAGRUDER: Reluctantly.
(Magruder drives off)
CHRISTINE: I hate that man!
MARY BETH: Sure you do.
CHRISTINE: (shouting after the van) Fifty thousand bucks, Magruder! We just lost you fifty thousand bucks! Eat your heart out, honey!
(Mary Beth laughs)

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