Victimless Crime
Original Airdate: April 16, 1984

[Squad car]

CHRISTINE: You know, I don't mind getting up at the crack of dawn for an early morning court appearance. That is true. But I'll tell you when the judge is asleep and the lawyer hasn't got his act together, that ticks me off.
MARY BETH: You ought to be used to it by now, Christine.
CHRISTINE: I'm never getting used to it! A man robs a drug store in broad daylight and there are six eyewitnesses that give you positive ID's and the lawyer says he needs more time to get his case together. What case?! He doesn't even have a case.
MARY BETH: They'll lock him up. Don't worry.
CHRISTINE: I'd like to lock the lawyer up with him. Did you see the way he played the judge?
MARY BETH: How could Judge Burns know? He was napping.
(just then the car backfires)
CHRISTINE: Isbecki just filled this damn thing up with rocket fuel.
MARY BETH: It says the tank's half-full.
CHRISTINE: Great.
(the car shudders to a halt. The traffic behind hoots. The duo gets out. A driver shouts)

[Manhattan street]

CHRISTINE: Go around it!
(Chris lifts up the bonnet)
MARY BETH: What do you think?
CHRISTINE: Could be the fuel pump, could be the carburettor, could be the manifold.
MARY BETH: Do you know what you're talking about?
CHRISTINE: Yeah! ...Sort of.
MARY BETH: I'm calling the police garage.
CHRISTINE: That's great, Mary Beth. Some big grease monkey is gonna ride up here like John Wayne to say 'What seems to be the problem, little lady'
MARY BETH: Can you fix the car, Christine?
(Chris stands up from fiddling with the car and stares at Mary Beth who goes to the car radio. Chris stands there with her hands on her hips mimicking the mechanic)
CHRISTINE: 'Well, well, well. Two of New York's Finest little ladies in distress'.

[Samuels' office]

(there are a couple of women and a man there with yapping and barking dogs)
WOMAN: ...Thursday night on 48th Street, he pulls out a rifle and starts shooting.
SAMUELS: We are doing the best we can.
WOMAN: (pointing to the dog she is holding) Testy has stopped eating. She will not go out for her walk. (rubbing the dog's ear) Poor little thing.
SAMUELS: (stroking the dog) Yeah poor Testy. We're gonna... (the dog snaps at him) Hey! I'm just making nice... We're doing everything we can!

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Daniels from Internal Affairs comes in with another smartly dressed suit)
DANIELS: How ya doing La Guardia?
LA GUARDIA: Fine.
DANIELS: (patting La Guardia on the back) That's my boy. (to the suit) We have an excellent pension programme for our older police officers.
(Samuels is hustling the people out of his office. The dogs are still yapping and barking)
SAMUELS: ...I'm a dog lover too. Everything is gonna work out fine. You just gotta give us a little time. I'm gonna put my best people on it. I'll be with you in just a minute, Daniels, just a minute. Isbecki! I promise you my best detectives.
(Samuels finally gets the people and the dogs out of the Squad room)
DANIELS: (to the suit) Community relations is, of course, part of our work.
SAMUELS: (to Daniels) So, what can I do for you?
DANIELS: Let me introduce Mr. Yves Benoit from the Public Relations office of the Paris Police Department. Monsieur Benoit. Lieutenant Bert Samuels, Fourteenth Precinct.
BENOIT: I'm very pleased to meet you, Lieutenant.
DANIELS: Monsieur Benoit is here to observe police procedure in New York as part of a little programme of international cooperation between Paris and Washington. And he asked to view a typical precinct, I thought, what better place than the One-Four.
SAMUELS: Aha.
DANIELS: I know you'll take good care of him, Bert. Show him how a team of top-notch police officers operates.
SAMUELS: (pushing Daniels away from Benoit) I am swamped with cases! I have no time.
DANIELS: Terrific, terrific! He'll be right in the middle of things. Front row seat. Monsieur Benoit, I'm gonna leave you in Lieutenant Samuels capable hands. If there is anything he can do for you, you just let him know.
DANIELS: Au revoir, monsieur.
BENOIT: Thank you.
DANIELS: Thanks, Bert.
SAMUELS: (to Benoit) Well er, would you like a cup of coffee?
BENOIT: Very kind of you, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Well, there's some over there. You help yourself.
(Samuels goes off. Benoit looks bemused)

[Clinton Street]

CHRISTINE: We could be here for days.
MARY BETH: Relax. They said they were sending somebody right away.
CHRISTINE: Don't count on it if it's a police department. I don't wanna hear one word about women and cars.
MARY BETH: Now why should he make a crack?
CHRISTINE: You know these Department mechanics. They're all clowns. When I had a sports car one of 'em suggested that I turn it in for his station wagon with automatic transmission.
(there is a gunshot)
MARY BETH: Did you hear that?
CHRISTINE: Small calibre pistol.
(there is another shot. The duo runs into the building opposite)

[732 Clinton Street hallway]

MARY BETH: Police officers. All right, get inside your apartments, sir. Stay out of the hallway.
(the duo lines up outside of apartment 102, guns drawn. Chris knocks)
CHRISTINE: Police! Open up! (knocking again) Police!!
MARY BETH: Back up.
(Chris tries the door knob and opens the door)

[Apartment 102]

MARY BETH: We're police officers, sir. Back away from the door, sir. Put your hands up in the air.
(there are several people in the room)
CHRISTINE: Nice and slow.
MARY BETH: Good. Everybody. ...Good. We heard gunshots from this apartment.
MOSLOVSKY: We're making a movie here!
CHRISTINE: Anybody fire this gun?
MOSLOVSKY: It's just a prop. Makes a noise. No bullets.
CHRISTINE: All right, everybody, put their hands down.
(a man and a woman have dressing gowns on)
MARY BETH: Do you have a filming permit from the City of New York?
MOSLOVSKY: Oh, it's not for commercial distribution. It's a student show.
MARY BETH: I have a pretty good idea what type of film it is. (looking at the couple) It's not very educational and it happens to be illegal, even with a permit.
CHRISTINE: All right, we're gonna walk out of here and say we didn't see any of this. Next time we'll run you in. Does everybody understand that?
LINDA MACK: (the woman in the dressing gown) Hey, don't you have anything better to do than hassle artists?
CHRISTINE: Do want me to seize the film right now? To see how artistic it is.
LINDA MACK: I thought only men cops got a kick out of harassment like this.
MARY BETH: Look, we could book every body in the room...
MOSLOVSKY: Oh, no, no. Thank you, thank you, officers

[Clinton Street]

MARY BETH: OK, what was that? We should have made the collar.
CHRISTINE: For what? We book 'em. They get out on their own recognizance. It takes two years to go to trial and they'd skate out on the First Amendment. Artistic freedom.
MARY BETH: It's not artistic, it's pornographic.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, porno collars are a big waste of time. (looking across the street) Well, look who finally got here.
(the mechanic is under the car. Mary Beth taps on the bodywork to get attention)
CHRISTINE: Are you ready for this?
MARY BETH: Excuse me, we're the officers that made the call.
MECHANIC: It figures.
(the mechanic is a woman. The duo looks at one another. Mary Beth has a smile on her face)

[Squad car]

(they arrive in the car back at the precinct)
MARY BETH: Pornography is against the law.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, The important thing is the definition of pornography. Let's leave that to the municipal judge.

[Precinct House yard]

CHRISTINE: In this city alone seventeen thousand hookers were arrested. Now you guess how many were convicted.
MARY BETH: Twelve.
CHRISTINE: Great. So there you are. It's a lousy collar. It's low priority. A victimless crime.
MARY BETH: A victimless crime. Sure. They could enforce the law or repeal it.
CHRISTINE: Hey, you've got my vote. Right now we've got supermarket robberies to deal with.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Benoit is with Petrie and Isbecki as the duo comes in)
ISBECKI: If you're so sensitive to children, how come you don't care about animals?
PETRIE: I just don't like dogs.
ISBECKI: Marcus, dogs are people too.
PETRIE: They're not people, Victor, they're dogs. Otherwise they'd be called people.
ISBECKI: We've got a guy out there taking pot shots at 'em. We've gotta put him away.
PETRIE: He's using a BB gun. None of the dogs has been injured.
BENOIT: Excuse me, why is this man shooting at dogs?
PETRIE: They're not using pooper scoopers, Monsieur Benoit.
BENOIT: Pooper scoopers?
ISBECKI: Kind of a portable waste disposal system. (nudging Benoit) Nothing like American technology, eh? You see, we've got a guy out there who's down at court. (picking up a computer printout) So I'm running a check on all known psycho collars in the last three years.
BENOIT: Psycho collars?
ISBECKI: Yeah, fruit cakes, with records.
BENOIT: How interesting. Can you tell me the name of that detective, brunette-haired woman over there.
ISBECKI: You mean the blonde, don't you.
BENOIT: No, no, the other one.
ISBECKI: She's married. She doesn't fool around.
PETRIE: She's Detective Mary Beth Lacey, Monsieur Benoit.
BENOIT: Thank you. Thank you very much.
BENOIT: I hope I am not disturbing you, Detective Lacey. My name is Yves Benoit.
MARY BETH: How do you do, Mr. Benoit. What can I do for you?
BENOIT: I'm here from the Paris Police Department to observe the precinct for a few days.
MARY BETH: Really. Well er, welcome. And meet my partner, Christine Cagney.
BENOIT: (shaking hands) How do you do, Mrs. Cagney.
CHRISTINE: Hi.
MARY BETH: Miss. Cagney. Oh and some times we say Ms.
CHRISTINE: Detective will do.
BENOIT: (to Chris) Please excuse me. (to Mary Beth) So, are there many women detectives on the force?
MARY BETH: Oh, not as many as I'd like to see, (looking at Chris) but it's got better the last four or five years.
(Chris gives a nod, a knowing look and a little wave and moves away. Benoit sits down)
BENOIT: Perhaps you would like to have a drink after work.
MARY BETH: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Benoit, but my husband, Harvey, will be waiting dinner at home.
BENOIT: Of course. Perhaps, some other time.
MARY BETH: (looking rather flattered) You never know.
BENOIT: Excuse me.
(Chris shoots back and takes Benoit's seat)
MARY BETH: What do you think?
CHRISTINE: About what?
MARY BETH: About Benoit.
CHRISTINE: He's cute, isn't he?
MARY BETH: Nice teeth. And I didn't see a ring on his finger.
CHRISTINE: Well, if you want any advice here, and if you're having trouble with Harve.
MARY BETH: Me? I'm talking about you here, Christine. I made it very plain to him I'm married.
CHRISTINE: That has never stopped a Frenchman!
MARY BETH: He was just being polite.
CHRISTINE: I'll be the soul of discretion. Honest. Not one word to Harvey. My lips are sealed.
MARY BETH: Christine, stop it!
(Chris continues to press a finger to her lips)
MARY BETH: Stop it. ...Stop it!
SAMUELS: (coming out of his office and shouting) Cagney! Lacey! Where are those DD5s on the supermarket hold ups?

[Samuels' office]

CHRISTINE: Well, the car broke down this morning on the way back from the court...
MARY BETH: And while we were waiting for the tow truck, sir, there was this pornography business.
SAMUELS: What pornography business?
MARY BETH: There were some shots fired...
CHRISTINE: They were not shots! They were blanks ...using them for filming.
SAMUELS: So was anybody injured?
CHRISTINE: No!
MARY BETH: But we thought, sir, that since there appeared to be an illegal movie being made...
SAMUELS: I get it. I get it. Cagney figures she goes for boys on bikes. Is that it?
CHRISTINE: That's not true! I'm the one that said we turn our backs and we walk out, which is exactly what we did. I said next time I said we'd run them in.
SAMUELS: Well, that's very good for you. ...But I wanna see those reports on my desk! I need 'em two hours ago!
MARY BETH: Yes sir.

[Ladies' room]

(the duo is touching up its makeup)
CHRISTINE: I mean they don't have men with moustaches who keep their socks on anymore.
MARY BETH: I know that, Christine, Harve and I went to one of those X-rated movie once. We left after about ten minutes.
CHRISTINE: Now, how did I guess that?
MARY BETH: Oh, don't tell me. You like them.
CHRISTINE: No, er, actually they're very repetitious, but some of them are OK.
MARY BETH: OK? I think they're called garbage. They're so tacky.
CHRISTINE: It is not rape, it is not murder and if people wanna watch it they have a right to. This is America!
MARY BETH: Yeah, well I don't like it.
CHRISTINE: So, we're gonna ban it because Mary Beth Lacey doesn't like it.
MARY BETH: I don't understand how other people like it either.
CHRISTINE: Why not? Because it doesn't happen in a bedroom in Queens and it should only be in holy matrimony.
MARY BETH: Wait a minute!
CHRISTINE: Who appointed you God? And what made you the arbiter of everybody else's morals?
MARY BETH: That's not what I meant, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Well, you could have fooled me!
MARY BETH: It is not a victimless crime. That's all I'm trying to say. It degrades women. It degrades everybody.
CHRISTINE: So don't look at it.
MARY BETH: I can't avoid it. Everywhere I look, on billboards, on TV ads, half-naked women being used from cars to colas. Sexual merchandising. Buy our product and you might get the woman too.
CHRISTINE: You finished?
MARY BETH: For the moment.
CHRISTINE: I'm going home. Good night.
(Mary Beth is left looking very pensive)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Isbecki is stroking an Alsatian)
PETRIE: The dog was with you in the car?
GURWITZ: Well, we ride together. A little extra protection. So I stopped to let him out to do his business and the next thing I know he's squawking blue murder.
PETRIE: Well, did you see who shot at him?
GURWITZ: I didn't look, I thought that Albert was dead.
PETRIE: All right, Mr. Gurwitz, we'll canvas the area for witnesses.
GURWITZ: 59th Street and Lexington. You've got two hundred people you can talk to.
BENOIT: (sitting at Mary Beth's desk. She is holding out her hands) Close your eyes.
(Benoit presents Mary Beth with a French pastry)
BENOIT: Voila!
MARY BETH: Merci. That's a croissant. That's nice.
BENOIT: They're much better, of course, in Paris.
MARY BETH: You know, the same is true of bagels. I mean, they don't taste the same outside the City of New York. It's the water.
BENOIT: Have you ever been to Paris?
MARY BETH: Me?! No. Harve and I, we've been to Florida, Atlantic City, the Jersey shore. That's about it.
BENOIT: Tell me, where do you get your hair er, d... Er, how do say it? Designed?
MARY BETH: Done. We say 'Done'. A little place on Casino Boulevard.
BENOIT: Very alluring.
MARY BETH: (to Chris coming in) Hi! Mr. Benoit just brought me a croissant.
CHRISTINE: Isn't that nice. (Benoit gets up to shake hands) Good morning, Mr. Benoit.
BENOIT: Good morning, Detective Cagney.
(the phone goes. Chris and Benoit sit down. Benoit stares attentively at Mary Beth)
MARY BETH: That's OK. I'll get it. (into phone) Detective Lacey, Fourteenth. ...Who? ...Sir. Just talk slowly, sir. ...Talk slowly, sir. ...What? ...Well, did you look for the police? ...OK. All right. Sit tight. Don't touch anything. We're on our way. ...Yes.
(she rings off)
MARY BETH: You remember that apartment we were at yesterday?
CHRISTINE: Seven-thirty-two Clinton.
MARY BETH: Yes. A tenant's called. There's a naked man in the doorway ...of apartment one-oh-two.
CHRISTINE: What's he doing?
MARY BETH: Nothing. Just laying there, face down. Not moving.
BENOIT: Fascinating.

[732 Clinton Street hallway]

CHRISTINE: Detectives Cagney and Lacey.
MARY BETH: Anything?
FORENSICS: Nothing on the surface. No bullet holes, Knife wounds or bruises.
MARY BETH: Identifying marks?
FORENSICS: The best I can do for you is an abdominal scar. Right side.
CHRISTINE: Give us a call if anything comes up.
FORENSICS: You got it.

[Apartment 102]

MARY BETH: They even took the sheets.
CHRISTINE: It won't take them long to dust for prints in here.
MARY BETH: We should have made the collar, Christine. We could have prevented this.
CHRISTINE: Maybe. He could have died of natural causes.
MARY BETH: Oh, come on, he was naked.
CHRISTINE: So?
MARY BETH: So they were making pornographic movies here. Yesterday! Remember? People and movie cameras and lights. What happened to everybody? Where did they all go? How come nobody bothered to call an ambulance?
CHRISTINE: I think the answer to that's pretty obvious, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: I don't think it's so obvious.
(Chris goes back outside)
MARY BETH: (to herself) Like nothing ever happened. We imagined the whole thing.

[Detectives' Squad room]

SAMUELS: Well, what did the landlord say?
CHRISTINE: They paid for the rent in cash, a month in advance.
SAMUELS: Did you get a name?
MARY BETH: J.D. Salinger.
SAMUELS: Did you run it?
CHRISTINE: It's a phoney, ...sir. Salinger was a writer who was very hot in the Sixties.
SAMUELS: Yeah? ...Oh, yeah, yeah. Ha, ha, ha.
DANIELS: (comes up) Bert!
SAMUELS: Yeah.
DANIELS: Hello, Bert. Cagney and er...
MARY BETH: Lacey.
DANIELS: Lacey, right. How we doing with our observer?
SAMUELS: I've got him observing er, Detective Isbecki on the dog case.
DANIELS: Oh, that's good, good, good. Bread and butter police work. Yeah. You know, speaking of bread and butter, why don't we have our two ladies take him out to lunch. You know, I mean, some place typically New York. We'll pick up the tab.
CHRISTINE: Well, we're kinda busy at the moment, Mr. Daniels.
DANIELS: Yeah, I'm sure it can wait an hour, Lacey.
CHRISTINE: I'm Cagney.
DANIELS: Cagney, right, look, I want this guy to go back to Paris with a really good picture of how this department operates.
MARY BETH: Going to lunch isn't exactly police work, Mr. Daniels.
DANIELS: Yeah. It is in Paris. Believe me, those people know how to live. You know, when I was over there in eighty-one with the chief, I put on five pounds! They have got pastries there that are lethal.
(Chris nods knowingly)
SAMUELS: Daniels, could we talk.
DANIELS: Yeah, sure, Bert.
(Samuels shepherds Daniels away)
DANIELS: Keep up the good work, girls.
MARY BETH: How do you like that? Ordered to lunch.
CHRISTINE: So why don't you go?
MARY BETH: I don't wanna go! I'd feel guilty going out with the guy...
CHRISTINE: What is wrong having lunch with the guy?
MARY BETH: I was about to say 'I'd feel guilty going out with the guy when we have got this John Doe thing to follow up'.
CHRISTINE: I'll handle John Doe.
MARY BETH: You're the one that talks French!
CHRISTINE: You're the one that thinks he's cute. He's very taken with you.
MARY BETH: Heads you go, tails I go.
CHRISTINE: (looks at the coin) You go.
MARY BETH: Can I plead...
CHRISTINE: You are a police officer! If he gets out of line, you cuff him. If he offers you cognac in his hotel room, ...play it by ear.

[Manhattan street]

(Mary Beth and Benoit are at a hotdog stand. They talk between mouthfuls)
BENOIT: Do you come here often?
MARY BETH: Only when I can get a table. ...So, Mr. Benoit, how do you like New York so far?
BENOIT: Call me Yves. What is your prenom, your pre-name?
MARY BETH: Mary Elizabeth.
BENOIT: A very pretty name. Almost as pretty as you.
MARY BETH: Do you have a family in France?
BENOIT: Two daughters and a wife. Would you like to see a photo?
MARY BETH: Oh, yes. (referring to Benoit's hotdog) Here, let me take this off you.
BENOIT: Thank you. (showing the photo) Voila!
MARY BETH: Are those your daughters?
BENOIT: Katherine and Edith.
MARY BETH: Oh, they're adorable.
BENOIT: My wife's named Marie-Louise.
MARY BETH: She's very lovely.
BENOIT: Thank you. We have an, how you say, an understanding. You see, she has a lover, in Neuilly, who she sees every few weeks.
MARY BETH: How interesting.
BENOIT: Do you and Henry...
MARY BETH: Harvey.
BENOIT: Do you, perhaps, have an understanding too?
MARY BETH: Harve bowls Tuesday nights.
BENOIT: Oh. ...Fascinating.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (into phone) Heart attack. ...Are you gonna write it up as natural causes. ...OK. We'll get back if we get anything else. ...Yeah. ...Thank you.
(She rings off as Mary Beth comes back and sits down beside her)
CHRISTINE: Hello.
MARY BETH: Hi ya.
CHRISTINE: That was the Medical Examiners Office. The boy died of a heart attack precipitated by an overdose of amyl nitrite
MARY BETH: Did he have a heart condition or was he just doing poppers?
CHRISTINE: There was no previous heart condition according to his report.
MARY BETH: OK, that's something. We've got something. Let's talk to somebody in Vice.
CHRISTINE: We've got nothing!
MARY BETH: A man makes a illegal movies. He ODs on a drug that's supposed to be prescribed to heart patients and winds up dead. He's left all alone in an apartment and nobody lifts a finger to help him, Chris. There's a crime here somewhere!
CHRISTINE: Not according to the statute book.
MARY BETH: All right, we got a dead John Doe, huh?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, what if somebody forced him to take the poppers. Then we got murder.
MARY BETH: OK, but we've got be able to talk to those people making that movie.
CHRISTINE: OK, So we'll talk to Vice!
MARY BETH: That's what I said.
CHRISTINE: (rushing off) Come on!
MARY BETH: Isn't that what I just said?

[Police Headquarters corridor]

MARTINEZ: What we've got here is a five billion dollar-a-year underground industry. Cash transactions, no records. Dummy corporations, tax shelters, things of that type.
MARY BETH: Who makes these drugs, Sergeant?
MARTINEZ: Most of it's top financed, but not all. I've traced some of it straight investors who don't care where the money comes from.
CHRISTINE: We're trying to ID a John Doe who was acting in one of the films.
MARTINEZ: Not easy. Most of these people don't use their real names. Some of these characters have got a dozen names.
MARY BETH: The man overdosed on amyl nitrite.
CHRISTINE: Could someone have forced him to take the poppers?
MARTINEZ: Hard to prove.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, but, I mean, it happens, doesn't it?
SAMUELS: It happens. Some of these directors will do anything to get a film shot.
MARY BETH: Can you help us on this.
MARTINEZ: Maybe. I'll run some of the films for you. Some of these actors work over and over again. If you see somebody you recognise, we'll match him to the film. We've got files on most of the distributors.
MARTINEZ: We appreciate your help, sir.
MARTINEZ: I gotta warn you though, there's not a lot of close-ups on their faces.
MARY BETH: (as he opens the door to the projection room) Thank you.

[Projection room]

MARTINEZ: (as the film rolls) Believe it or not , we're in business.
CHRISTINE: Who's the guy?
MARTINEZ: The man on the credits is Randy Spudd. He also works under the name of Johnny Hunk. Real name is Stanley Pearlman. We collared him twice. He walked both times, First Amendment.
MARY BETH: What do you think, Chris?
CHRISTINE: It isn't him.
MARY BETH: Look at him. He's so indifferent. It's like it's just another day at the office or something.
MARTINEZ: To him it is. A hundred dollars a day and maybe a little coke on the side.
MARY BETH: (deliberately averting her eyes from the screen) I'm going outside for a minute. OK?

[Police Headquarters corridor]

(obviously distressed she sees somebody she recognises)
MARY BETH: How ya doing?
(he ignores her)

[Projection room]

CHRISTINE: Can you freeze that!
(she gets up to have a closer look at the screen)

[Police Headquarters corridor]

CHRISTINE: (coming out of the projection room) Hey! Do you wanna come and take a look? I think I've found the woman.

[Linda Mack's apartment]

(going through a school book with her daughter)
LINDA MACK: ...discover where you can get six pennies from the twelve sets.
(there is a knock at the door)
LINDA MACK: Who is it?!
CHRISTINE [OC]: Linda Mack?
LINDA MACK: Yeah.
CHRISTINE [OC}: Police.
(she opens the door)
CHRISTINE: You might remember us from yesterday. Seven-thirty-two, Clinton.
LINDA MACK: What is it?
MARY BETH: We wanna talk to you, Mrs. Mack.
LINDA MACK: That's my daughter over there.
CHRISTINE: Would you be more comfortable talking down at the station?
LINDA MACK: Fine. Come in please.
MARY BETH: (to the daughter) Hi ya.
LINDA MACK: Jessie, why don't you go in my room and watch TV? Come on. ...(to the duo) Er, sit down.
MARY BETH: Thank you. (looking at the school book) Fractions, huh? I've got a kid in the fourth grade too.
LINDA MACK: (closing the book) What is this?
MARY BETH: Mrs. Mack, one of the men you were with in that apartment yesterday. He turned up dead this morning.
CHRISTINE: He ODed on poppers. Died of a heart attack.
MARY BETH: Nobody called an ambulance or a doctor. He was found laying in the doorway.
CHRISTINE: Anybody force him to take those poppers?
LINDA MACK: I don't know. I wasn't there.
CHRISTINE: How come?
LINDA MACK: Because I finished my work on that film yesterday.
CHRISTINE: So what did they do today?
LINDA MACK: I don't know. I was in rehearsal all day for another film. They called up somebody else to work with him.
MARY BETH: Do you know who he was?
LINDA MACK: Bill something. I don't think that was his real name. I never worked with him before.
CHRISTINE: What about the director? Do you remember his name?
LINDA MACK: Jim. Jack. I don't know. I met him at a party a couple of weeks ago. What do want from me?!
MARY BETH: We wanna find out the circumstances of the man's death.
LINDA MACK: Well, I wasn't there, so I don't know. OK?

[Precinct front desk office]

SAMUELS: (to the duty sergeant) Give me change for a buck, will ya? (to Mary Beth) So you got the name of the porn producer. So you go after him. So what do you get, huh? At the best, a very shaky criminal negligence homicide, if you can prove foreknowledge on his part. Remember the guy wasn't on the premises when it happened.
MARY BETH: I would still like to serve him, sir.
(Samuels is having trouble with the candy machine and getting more annoyed as he speaks)
SAMUELS: OK, so you serve him! Then, what, huh? Two years from now you get to go to court. After which if he's in the State and you've some little Assistant DA at twenty-five grand a year, who's a liability, against some hotsy totsy law firm this guy's got on a retainer, then what?!
MARY BETH: I would have thought we've done our job, sir.
SAMUELS: (to Josie, the bag lady) Hey, what's the matter with this machine?
(Josie comes over to the machine, gives it a heavy thump and pulls out the knob which releases the candy bar which she gives to Samuels)
SAMUELS: Thanks, Josie.
(he breaks off a bit of the candy bar and gives it to her)

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: Why don't you help out Isbecki and Petrie on the dog case?
MARY BETH: Oh, that's their collar, sir.
SAMUELS: (laughing) That's very funny. Their collar.
MARY BETH: Unintentional, sir.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, I think our John Doe just got a name.
MARY BETH: Yeah?
CHRISTINE: (nodding behind her where a man is comforting a woman) Missing Persons sent 'em over.
MARY BETH: The parents?
CHRISTINE: Mr. and Mrs. Harris. Their son, Norman, he's not called in a week.
MARY BETH: It's a match?
CHRISTINE: Right down to the appendectomy scar.
MARY BETH: Oh Lord. How old was he?
CHRISTINE: Nineteen. Honours Student, Brooklyn College, captain of the swimming team. And his parents said he did a little acting when he had the time.
(the next morning Chris and La Guardia are admiring a single red rose taped to a bottle of wine on Mary Beth's desk)
LA GUARDIA: They grow in a place called La Roseriae du Val. Excellent specimen.
CHRISTINE: It's gorgeous.
LA GUARDIA: Thirty-two remedies for common illnesses are made from rose petals.
CHRISTINE: Who gave it to her?
LA GUARDIA: Harvey.
CHRISTINE: (picking up the bottle) Chateau Petrus Pomeral, sixty-six. Hardly Harvey's style.
MARY BETH: (coming in) Morning.
LA GUARDIA: Morning.
MARY BETH: (to Chris) Hi ya.
CHRISTINE: Look what somebody left on your desk.
MARY BETH: I'm not the kind to have admirers. Somebody got the wrong desk.
CHRISTINE: It's got a note.
MARY BETH: (taking the bottle and looking at the note) It's in French.
CHRISTINE: Do you want me to translate it?
MARY BETH: No thanks.
SAMUELS: (coming up holding a document) Lacey, do you wanna serve the porno producer?
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
SAMUELS: (handing her the document) There it is.
MARY BETH: Thank you, sir.
SAMUELS: So do it!
MARY BETH: (looking at the rose) Thank you, sir.
CHRISTINE: Let's go. (Mary Beth smells the rose) Come on, let's go!
MARY BETH: (still looking at the rose) Yes.
(as they leave Isbecki comes in carrying a white miniature poodle, complete with pink bows on its ears. Later Isbecki has the poodle on his desk)
ISBECKI: Sit. Sit, sit, sit.
(he puts a sheet of paper in his typewriter, looks at the name tag on the dog's collar and begins to type)
ISBECKI: Muffin, M, U, F, F,...
PETRIE: Victor! What are you doing?
ISBECKI: Victim profile report. I, N.
PETRIE: Where's the owner?
ISBECKI: She's out parking her car.
PETRIE: Victor, you're losing it.
ISBECKI: OK, Muffin, what went down out there?

[Belden's office]

BELDEN: What is this garbage?
CHRISTINE: It's a judgement against you, Mr. Belden. Reckless endangerment and negligence.
BELDEN: You gotta be kidding.
MARY BETH: A young man died making one of your films, Mr. Belden.
BELDEN: And you wanna go against him?
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
BELDEN: Lots of luck.
CHRISTINE: For distributing you could liable for criminal negligence and homicide.
BELDEN: Sure. Listen, you wanna serve me for conspiracy to distribute obscene material, you've at least got a court case. See this. (opening a desk drawer) Two dozen obscenity judgements. Every one of them's gonna be thrown out. But this one, (holding up the judgement they have served him with) this one lady, this is even going to trial.
MARY BETH: We'll let the District Attorney's office decide that.
BELDEN: Oh, they're gonna love this one. Criminal negligence, homicide. (he laughs out loud) What are you gonna...
MARY BETH: Who supplies you with the films, Mr. Belden?
BELDEN: I'm not gonna answer that question.
MARY BETH: We can subpoena that information.
BELDEN: You want subpoenas? I've got a drawer full of them too.
(he opens another desk drawer and drops a pile of documents back into it)
CHRISTINE: Do you want Organised Crime to look into this?
BELDEN: Oh, come on, does this look like a mob operation? They take better care of their selves. Listen, ladies, I'm gonna do you a big favour. I'm gonna save you a lot of time. Mermaid Productions is legit, one hundred percent. You wanna subpoena my books, be my guest. They're clean enough for anybody.
MARY BETH: We want to locate the people that were making a film for you yesterday at seven-thirty-two, Clinton.
BELDEN: Why, do you wanna go watch a little maybe?
CHRISTINE: You pay these people, don't you?
BELDEN: I pay them very well.
MARY BETH: OK, so you have records, employee forms. W4s.
BELDEN: You want W4's? Yesterday was payday here. (he hands Mary Beth the forms) IRS had me down for a tax audit. I came through with flying colours. My tax returns are clean enough to eat off.
CHRISTINE: Congratulations.
BELDEN: (to Chris) Wanna check my rest rooms?
CHRISTINE: I'm sure they're very clean, Mr. Belden.
MARY BETH: (reading from a W4) Vincent Moslovsky. Seven-eight-nine, West Forty-third. Is he a director?
BELDEN: He likes to call himself s director. Between you and me he's a failure.
MARY BETH: Who's this guy?
BELDEN: Carpenter.
MARY BETH: And what's he do?
BELDEN: Electrician.
MARY BETH: This guy here?
BELDEN: Calls himself an actor.
MARY BETH: This one here?
BELDEN: Calls himself a grip.
MARY BETH: And?
BELDEN: That's the grip's friend.
MARY BETH: The grip's friend? Who is that?
BELDEN: He's a cousin of the grip. The first grip.
MARY BETH: You got two grips on this? Have you got actors on it?
BELDEN: You got more actors! You've got actors at the bottom! You've got all kinds of people.
MARY BETH: (to Chris) At the bottom you've actors.
(Chris nods to go)
MARY BETH: OK. All right.

[Director's office]

MOSLOVSKY: Well, it happened so suddenly. We were right in the middle of a scene, and this guy he starts gasping for breath. And then he just keels over. We just thought he was kidding.
CHRISTINE: Why didn't you get a doctor? Call an ambulance.
MOSLOVSKY: He was dead!
CHRISTINE: Mr. Moslovsky, if he was dead, how the hell did he drag himself halfway out the door!
MOSLOVSKY: Look, I don't know. We panicked. Nobody said a word. We just folded up our tents and we fled.
MARY BETH: And left him there to die.
MOSLOVSKY: No I told you, I thought he was already dead.
CHRISTINE: Whose idea was it to make him take the poppers?
MOSLOVSKY: Not me!
CHRISTINE: No! Not to make your film a little better.
MOSLOVSKY: Look, I don't do drugs.
CHRISTINE: I didn't ask you if you do drugs! I asked if someone forced him to do it!
MOSLOVSKY: Look I didn't tell him to take the amys and I'm not responsible.
MARY BETH: Who is?
MOSLOVSKY: I'm only a filmmaker here! I just stand behind the cameras saying 'Action' and 'Cut'. Lady I don't participate in it, all I do is film it.
MARY BETH: Oh, I get it. (to Chris) He don't participate. He just photographs it.
MOSLOVSKY: Look, I'm an artist, I don't make value judgements.
MARY BETH: You made a value judgement, Mr. Moslovsky. You decided Norman Harris was dead. You left him on the floor. That's a value judgement.
MOSLOVSKY: Why don't you give me a break, huh? Why don't you both give me a break? Cos I don't really need this type of hassle now. I mean, if you knew how difficult it was to get to try and shoot a film. I am talking about any film.
MARY BETH: Who else was there?
MOSLOVSKY: My electrician. I had my soundman. I had two grips and I had the co-star.
CHRISTINE: Fine. I'd like their names and their addresses.
MOSLOVSKY: Well, I don't have them because nobody uses their real names!
CHRISTINE: (turning to a film editing machine) Is this the film you've been shooting.?
MOSLOVSKY: Yes. Would you like to see a little bit. There's a fabulous close-up here. (he starts the machine) Look, you see what I did was, I backlit the face (there is an shot of a woman on the bed smoking) to bring out the cheek bones.
MARY BETH: We've seen enough, thank you.
MOSLOVSKY: Wait! You haven't sees the close-up yet.
CHRISTINE: Can I see it?.
MOSLOVSKY: I come in real tight. whole frame. Now.
(the close up is of Linda Mack)
CHRISTINE: She was there Tuesday.

[Manhattan street]

(at night the duo stops in front of a cinema showing "Torrid Desires", Rated XXX, Adults Only)
MARY BETH: We'll go and see her first thing in the morning.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, we've served Belden with the judgement. We know what happened. The kid was not forced to take the poppers. It's over.
MARY BETH: It's not over. I wanna know how come she lied to us.
CHRISTINE: Because she's like a lot of people we have to deal with in this industry. She just didn't wanna get involved. Hey, can you do me a favour? Take the car back to the precinct. Sign me out. I'm gonna be late for my dinner date.
MARY BETH: Yeah. OK, but I'm gonna see Linda Mack in the morning.
CHRISTINE: What is it with you?! Some personal vendetta! (Mary Beth looks aghast) Hey, taxi!
MARY BETH: Hey, who's the one who always saying 'Make the collar, make the collar'?
CHRISTINE: There is a damn collar, Mary Beth. We served the papers. We can't be responsible for the morality of everybody in this city. Taxi!
MARY BETH: I'm not a prude, Christine. Do you know that? I think sex is beautiful and important, and I want it be beautiful and not packaged like a sack of potatoes. And I'm sick of this victimless crime. We've got a lot of victims here, Christine. Maybe Norman Harris is the only one that died but Linda Mack has got a child that doesn't know what her mother does for a living. That's a victim, Chris. And Victor Isbecki... (seeing a cab) Oh, it's 'Off Duty'. And Victor Isbecki is a victim if he thinks that all a woman wants is something in tight pants. (pointing to the cinema) Every punk that plonks down his five dollars and thinks that what he sees on a porno is what a woman wants in bed is a victim. So we got a lot of victims, OK? I got a crazy idea I wanna keep going on this thing until somebody can look me in the face tell me how come no one called the paramedics when the kid is kid is lying on the floor dying of a heart attack! ...So, are you with me here?
CHRISTINE: Yeah.
MARY BETH: Thank you, Chris, I appreciate that. (the taxi hoots) Have a good time, eh? I'll see you tomorrow.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Benoit is on the phone talking in French. He sees Mary Beth come in and sit down and pick up the phone. He rings off)
MARY BETH: (into phone) Hi ya. ...I know, Harvey, I know! ...I got hung up on this porno thing. ...Yeah, I already signed out, OK? (Benoit has sat down at her desk and is looking at her) ...Yeah, keep the lasagne warm. ...OK. Love ya.
(she rings off)
BENOIT: Bon soir.
MARY BETH: Oh, hi.
BENOIT: Is Harry bowling tonight?
MARY BETH: Harvey. No, he's home. He's keeping my lasagne warm.
BENOIT: What a coincidence. I was just speaking to my wife in Paris.
MARY BETH: Oh, it must be kinda late in Paris now.
BENOIT: It's two thirty in the morning. She is keeping the lasagne warm for me as well.
(she goes over to the board and signs Chris and herself out. Benoit follows her)
BENOIT: We have an old saying in France. 'Marriage is so difficult that it takes three people to make it work.'
MARY BETH: You don't say.
BENOIT: You know, I have not yet taken a horse and buggy ride in Central Park. (taking her hands) A lovely evening. A touch of Spring in the air. ...I must be with you tonight.
MARY BETH: Oh, Yves. I never thought anybody would say that to me.
BENOIT: I cannot believe that no one has ever said that to you before.
MARY BETH: Oh, Yves, you got the wrong lady. And on top of that your timing is crumby.
BENOIT: Er, 'Crumby'?
MARY BETH: Crumby. Crumby is an American word ...for the type of case I'm on. Anyways, thank you very much. (as she tries to escape) You were so nice. Thank you for the flower and French... I gotta go now. Vaya con dios.
BENOIT: I'm confident the lasagne will still be warm when you get home.
MARY BETH: (coming back) Oh, no. I don't like to heat it up. It dries out. The cheese on top gets kinda rubbery.
BENOIT: (when she has gone) Pity. The meal's much better when it's fresh.

[Outside Linda Mack's apartment]

(the duo knocks)
MARY BETH: Mrs. Mack.
LINDA MACK [OC}: Who is it?
CHRISTINE: Detectives Cagney and Lacey.
LINDA MACK [OC]: Leave me alone.
MARY BETH: Open the door, Ma'am, or we'll come back with a warrant.
(Linda Mack opens the door. Her face is puffed up and she is sporting a black eye)
CHRISTINE: What happened to you?

[Linda Mack's apartment]

MARY BETH: Tell us about the beating.
LINDA MACK: There was this scene. It got out of hand. The director kept filming more and more. Wouldn't cut the camera.
CHRISTINE: Moslovsky?
LINDA MACK: No. He wrapped that film yesterday. ...Different film, different director.
CHRISTINE: And you couldn't stop it?
LINDA MACK: I tried! But he kept on, the guy, he hit me harder, saying 'Beautiful, beautiful!'
MARY BETH: Dear God.
LINDA MACK: It's gonna sell a lot of tickets.
CHRISTINE: Mrs. Mack, why did you lie to us about Tuesday?
LINDA MACK: I don't even remember Tuesday.
MARY BETH: It was the day Norman Harris died!
LINDA MACK: ...I gave him CPR, ...but it didn't work.
MARY BETH: So you did do something?
LINDA MACK: Didn't do any good. So he just got to lie there.
CHRISTINE: Was the camera rolling through all of this?
LINDA MACK: I don't know.
CHRISTINE: What do you know? Can you tell us anything?
LINDA MACK: No!! That's it!
CHRISTINE: Let's get out of here. (she comes back) Listen here! Are you gonna file charges against the guy who beat you up? We can get the director too!
LINDA MACK: That'll be the last time I work in this business.
MARY BETH: You mean, you're just gonna let yourself get beat up and like, pretend like, business as usual.
LINDA MACK: Do you wanna pay my rent?
MARY BETH: Mrs. Mack, can I ask you something? You have a young daughter. What are you gonna tell her about this?
LINDA MACK: I'll tell her I got mugged.
MARY BETH: You got worse than mugged, lady, a man assaulted you. And another man photographed it. And other men and women are gonna sit in a movie theatre and watch that. Well, how are you gonna feel about that! ...OK. How do you feel about this? Some day, some guy sees your film and thinks 'Ah, there, that's what women really want'. And he walks out that theatre and he rapes your daughter.
LINDA MACK: You leave my daughter out of this!
MARY BETH: She's in it, Mrs. Mack, whether you like it or not. We all are.
CHRISTINE: We can bring charges against these people. You could make a difference.
LINDA MACK: It's not gonna stop it.
CHRISTINE: You're in it. Did you like being raped today?
LINDA MACK: I wasn't raped.
CHRISTINE: Really.
LINDA MACK: I was just beaten up.
MARY BETH: You were raped, lady! You submitted to something against your will. You were raped!
LINDA MACK: I got paid for it, didn't I?
MARY BETH: Lucky you. Now, what happens next time when the director doesn't yell 'Cut' and the guy beats you to death. Now your kid is an orphan. How much money is that worth to you.
JESSIE: (coming home from school) Hello Mum. ...Mum, what happened? (to the duo) Did you hurt her?!
LINDA MACK: No, Jessie, they're cops. (hugging Jessie but looking at the duo) I just did a little ...'Exit'.

[Street outside Linda Mack's apartment building]

CHRISTINE: That is one tough lady.
MARY BETH: I don't understand how she can live with it.
CHRISTINE: Forget it, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: No, I can't forget it, Christine. You see I go home every night and no matter how bad a day it was I think well, at least we took another crud off the city. And then, course, he'll be back tomorrow. But at least we're treading water. ...You know what I feel like right now. I feel the cruds are winning.

[Lacey's bedroom]

HARVEY: Wanna talk about it?
MARY BETH: No.
HARVEY: You've been walking round here all night looking like you wanna slug some one.
MARY BETH: I'm tired, Harve. I'm gonna go to sleep.
HARVEY: Do you want me to make you feel better?
MARY BETH: No.
HARVEY: Guaranteed. You don't even have to say a word.
MARY BETH: I said 'No', Harve. No means no.
HARVEY: Oh, it doesn't always mean no.
MARY BETH: Well, tonight it means no.
HARVEY: This porno case, huh? ...Hm? ...Hey. ...Hey.
MARY BETH: I don't wanna talk about it, Harve.
HARVEY: Did you make the collar?
MARY BETH: (wrestling with him) Did you hear me, Harve? I don't wanna talk about it. I said 'No' means no!
HARVEY: So I get shut out of here, do I?
MARY BETH: Yes!!!
HARVEY: That's great.
MARY BETH: Please, Harvey, will you just get over your side of the bed?
HARVEY: Come on, a little hug, maybe. What do you think?
MARY BETH: No, Harve. Nothing!!! (almost crying) Just get over your side of the bed and go to sleep. OK?
HARVEY: Good night.
(Mary Beth cries herself to sleep)

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: These witness statements from the supermarket hold-up are all contradictory.
MARY BETH: Yeah, I know. Let's go and re-question the employees. It's been nearly a week.
CHRISTINE: Yeah. Maybe someone's memory got better.
MARY BETH: Maybe.
(Samuels shakes Benoit's hand outside the office)
BENOIT: (to the duo) I'm afraid I have say 'Good bye'.
CHRISTINE: Oh, so soon.
BENOIT: I have business in Paris tomorrow.
CHRISTINE: Well, bon voyage.
BENOIT: Farewell, Mary Louise.
MARY BETH: So long, Yves.
BENOIT: Perhaps some other time, some other place.
MARY BETH: I don't think so, Yves, but I hope Marie Louise kept the lasagne warm for ya.
BENOIT: Will you please tell Herbert that he is a very lucky fellow.
MARY BETH: I'll do that.
(he kisses her hand. Mary Beth wipes it tenderly. Benoit walks towards the door)
CHRISTINE: Herbert?
(as Benoit goes through the door, Isbecki marches in a man wearing a tin hat and a military jacket with medal on it and sporting a BB gun over his shoulder. He sits him down next to Petrie)
CHRISTINE: The dog collar.
MARY BETH: Looks like a pretty tough customer.
CHRISTINE: Talking about what you were saying, Mary Beth, maybe we've got one up on the cruds today.
MARY BETH: Yeah, maybe. Lets go.
(they talk out loud as they leave)
CHRISTINE: I've got a feeling we're getting lucky today!
MARY BETH: Maybe.
CHRISTINE: Maybe that guy in the supermarket woke up today with a complete description of the perp.
MARY BETH: Maybe he'll do all the paperwork for us too.
CHRISTINE: And maybe the bad guys will take a day off.
MARY BETH: Yeah, that'd be nice.

[Precinct front desk office]

LINDA MACK: (to the duty sergeant as the duo comes out) Could you please tell me where I'll find Detectives Cagney and Lacey?
(the sergeant nods in their direction. The three women smile at each other)
CHRISTINE: Maybe we're two up on the cruds.
(Chris waves a finger to Linda Mack)

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