Let Them Eat Pretzels
Original Airdate: March 21, 1983

[Manhattan street]

(outside a club to doorman closes the door of Hassan bin Moqtadi's Rolls-Royce, before he drives off)
DOORMAN: Good night, Mr. Moqtadi.
MOQTADI [OC]: Good night.
(as he drives along he yawns and begins to drive erratically, particularly around corners. Around one corner, an old man has just stepped off the kerb. Moqtadi hits him, stops the car, gets out, sees there is nobody around and drives off. The car licence plate is 'OIL BUX'

[Laceys' bedroom]

(6.30 AM the alarm goes. Mary Beth sleepily mutes it)
HARVEY: It's Monday, Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: Mm.
HARVEY: Monday, Wednesday, Friday are your days.
MARY BETH: Mm hm.
HARVEY: Honey, the kids need breakfast. Up and at 'em.
MARY BETH: Mm hm.
HARVEY: I start kicking in two seconds.
MARY BETH: All right, all right. I'm up. Are you sure it's not Tuesday?
HARVEY: Yesterday was Sunday.
MARY BETH: It feels like Tuesday.

[Queens]

(7.00 AM on a weekday. Outside the Laceys' apartment the residents move their cars to the other side of the street. NB This is the opening scene from the pilot episode)

[Laceys' kitchen]

(Muriel, Mary Beth's mother-in-law, is in the kitchen with the kids doing breakfast)
MICHAEL: I like syrup on mine, Grandma.
MURIEL: Coming up.
HARVEY JR: Mum never makes French toast for us during the week.
MURIEL: Your mother works very hard, dear. She doesn't always have time to fuss in the morning.
HARVEY JR: The guys at school think it's cute that Mum's a cop.
MICHAEL: Nobody messes with ya.
HARVEY JR: Yeah. But sometimes I'd like to have a normal mum, you know. Like the guy on television who serves one of the neighbourhoods driving for the kids to the cub scouts in a station wagon.
MICHAEL: And let's 'em eat cookies all the time.
HARVEY JR: Oh, hi Mom. Grandma's making French toast, the kind that puffs up.
MARY BETH: Oh, Muriel, you didn't have to go to all that trouble.
MURIEL: That's OK, dear, I'm an early riser. You look very lovely today. I like your pearls.
MARY BETH: Oh, thank you. (looking in the fridge) So, how about er, egg salad sandwiches for lunch? We have some left over from yesterday.
MICHAEL: Ugh.
HARVEY JR: Big deal. That bread tastes like cardboard.
MARY BETH: That's all I've got. Sorry.
MURIEL: Mary Beth, I made up a couple of roast beef sandwiches for the boys to take school.
MICHAEL: Oh boy!
MURIEL: I was at the deli yesterday and thought I'd pick up something for their lunch today.
MARY BETH: (abruptly) Thank you, Muriel.
MURIEL: There's fresh coffee there.
MARY BETH: (less than enthusiastically) Oh great. So, what do you think guys, we make chocolate cookies this weekend?
MICHAEL: Yeah!
MURIEL: I'll bake some this afternoon. I have nothing else to do.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: How long's she staying?
MARY BETH: Two weeks or so, 'til they've finished painting her apartment.
CHRISTINE: Two weeks! Wanna come and stay at my house?
MARY BETH: Why?
CHRISTINE: Mothers-in-law and wives. You only get problems.
MARY BETH: Yeah. According to who?
CHRISTINE: According to everybody. Don't you watch Johnny Carson?
LA GUARDIA: I've just read an interesting article, about marital discord within the extended new police family. It expands on Freud's edible theories.
MARY BETH: Oh please, Paul, no edible theories before lunch. All right? Muriel and I get along fine.
ISBECKI: Lieutenant wants to see you girls right now.
MARY BETH: Women, Isbecki, women. Girls are usually under eighteen and they don't have detective shields.
ISBECKI: Touchy this morning, isn't she?
CHRISTINE: Her mother-in-law is staying with her.
ISBECKI: Ah. My condolences.
MARY BETH: I like my mother-in-law.
ISBECKI: One of the advantages of being single is not having a mother-in-law. (cosying down towards Chris) Of course there are ...more exciting advantages.
CHRISTINE: Please Isbecki, would ya spare us the details. Come on, Mary Beth.

[Samuels' office]

CHRISTINE: You wanted to see us, Lieutenant?
SAMUELS: Yeah. (he is looking at a newspaper) Listen to this, will ya. Virgo, that's me. 'You will see serious hopes and dreams come to fruition'.
MARY BETH: That's terrific, sir.
SAMUELS: Do you believe this stuff?
CHRISTINE: Na.
SAMUELS: Me neither. ...All right, go on over to Lexington General Hospital. They brought in an apparent hit-and-run victim there last night, Sol Klein. He's a cutter in the Garment District. If he's conscious, you get a statement from him, and go on over and check the scene out for eyewitnesses at Sixty-fourth and Lex.
CHRISTINE: Right.
SAMUELS: What about you, Lacey, what's your sign?
MARY BETH: Oh, er, Taurus, sir.
SAMUELS: Taurus, huh. Taurus? 'Communicate better with loved ones. An unexpected visit'.
CHRISTINE: Could be talking about Muriel.
SAMUELS: Who's Muriel?
MARY BETH: Oh, it's Harve's mother, sir. She's staying with us.
SAMUELS: Oh, yes, well that's rough. Well, if anyone can handle that, you can.
MARY BETH: No sir, there's nothing to handle. I like my mother-in-law.
SAMUELS: Ha, ha, ha. That's what I'm talking about. Great attitude. Makes the best out of a bad situation.
MARY BETH: Sir, er,...
CHRISTINE: I think we should get started, the er, case and all.
MARY BETH: (to Chris as they leave the office) I like my mother-in-law.
CHRISTINE: Really.
(Samuels smiles)

[Lexington General Hospital corridor]

(the duo comes out of a room with a doctor, Kim Lee)
DR. KIM LEE: ...has a broken clavicle, perforated spleen, multiple contusions and a concussion.
MARY BETH: Will he make it?
DR. KIM LEE: Well the prognosis is fair, there's nothing life threatening.
CHRISTINE: When can we talk to him?
DR. KIM LEE: It depends on how he comes out of the anaesthesia. There is often residual trauma. We won't know until tomorrow morning at the earliest.
MARY BETH: Doctor, is there anything that you can tell us about what might have happened here?
DR. KIM LEE: I'm not trained in forensic medicine, Detective. It would only be speculation.
CHRISTINE: Well, we just want your opinion. We wouldn't sue you for malpractice.
MARY BETH: He was hit by a car, wasn't he?
DR. KIM LEE: I would say a large car, moving very fast.

[Corner of East 64th Street and Lexington Avenue]

(they are examining a tyre skid mark on the road)
UNIFORMED OFFICER: Way too fast. Knocked the body over there onto the kerb.
MARY BETH: Who found the victim?
UNIFORMED OFFICER: A subway conductor on his way to work at four AM. People probably passed him by earlier, thinking he was a drunk sleeping it off.
MARY BETH: Thank you, officer.
CHRISTINE: Thank you.
MARY BETH: Let us know if you get anywhere.
UNIFORMED OFFICER: Right.
(they walk round the corner)
CHRISTINE: Hi, we're detectives from the Fourteenth Precinct. We want to ask you some questions about the accident that happened here last night. I don't suppose you saw anything.
NEWSVENDOR: I haven't seen anything in fifty-one years, lady.
CHRISTINE: Sorry. Didn't realise.
NEWSVENDOR: You wanna talk to Sly. He sells pretzels across the street.
MARY BETH: Thank you, sir.
CHRISTINE: Thanks. (running across the street) Are you Sly?
SLY: Yeah.
CHRISTINE: The newsvendor across the street said that maybe you could help us.
SLY: That depends. Do you know why humming birds hum?
MARY BETH: Why?
SLY: Because they don't know the words. Pretzels?
CHRISTINE: Yes. Two.
MARY BETH: Listen, Sly, there was a hit-and-run here last night. Some time between ten and twelve. Do you know anything about it?
SLY: Do you know how many cops it takes to change a light bulb?
CHRISTINE: How many?
SLY: Ten. One to change the light bulb, nine to write out the report!
CHRISTINE: So did you see anything last night, Sly?
SLY: I saw the whole thing go down.
MARY BETH: You did?
SLY: Mm hm. I was pushing my cart back to the garage. I saw the guy get wasted. Do you know the three ways to spread the news?
MARY BETH: Last one, all right.
SLY: Tell a phone, tell a graph, tell a woman!
MARY BETH: Not funny.
CHRISTINE: Why didn't you report it?
SLY: You kidding, baby. I don't have nothing to do with no gambling, no how, no sir. You mix with stiffs, you next.
MARY BETH: You didn't do anything?
SLY: Nothing. ...Except remember the licence plate.
CHRISTINE: You got the plate off the car that hit him?
SLY: Care for another pretzel? B bm.
CHRISTINE: (giving a dollar bill) Forget the pretzels. What was the licence plate number, Sly?
SLY: O, ...I, ...L, ...B, ...U, ...X.
(back by the Squad car)
MARY BETH: (into radio) Could you do give me that spelling again?
POLICE RADIO: ...B, ...I, ...N, ...M, ...O, ...Q, ...T, ...A, ...D, ..I, Hassan bin Moqtadi.
MARY BETH: (into radio) Vehicle registration address?
POLICE RADIO: Mission of Republic of Zamir. Z, ...A, ...M, ...I, ...R. Six-four-seven, East 52nd Street.
MARY BETH: OK. I got it, thank you.
MARY BETH: Ever heard of a place called Zamir?
CHRISTINE: One of those oil sheikdoms in the Persian Gulf.
MARY BETH: How do you know that?!
CHRISTINE: I do the New York Times crossword puzzle occasionally. Mary Beth, if that guy's a diplomat, we can't touch him.
MARY BETH: Well, he didn't have DCL plates.
CHRISTINE: Well, let's nail him.

[Mission of Republic of Zamir]

(the duo are being served coffee by an Arab in traditional dress)
CHRISTINE: Thank you.
MARY BETH: Thank you.
CHRISTINE: I get the feeling we're in the middle of 'The Arabian Nights'.
SAID JAMAL: (coming in) I am Said Jamal, Deputy Chief of Mission, at your service.
CHRISTINE: Yes, Mr. Jamal, I am Detective Cagney. This is Detective Lacey from the Fourteenth Precinct. We're trying to get in touch with Hassan bin Moqtadi?
SAID JAMAL: Please, be seated. ...I trust that any inconvenience that Mr. Moqtadi may have caused to your city is not of a serious nature.
MARY BETH: It's the matter of a couple of parking tickets. Without er, diplomatic immunity, we prefer to do these things ...personally, rather than issuing a warrant.
SAID JAMAL: Your hospitality is greatly appreciated.
CHRISTINE: Is Mr. Moqtadi officially attached to this mission?
SAID JAMAL: Let us say he is filially attached.
MARY BETH: I beg your pardon?
SAID JAMAL: He is the son of our Minister for the Interior, Sheik Moqtadi bin Amir.
MARY BETH: Ah. well, I hope he's been enjoying New York City. The weather's been beautiful.
SAID JAMAL: Anything that Mr. Moqtadi can do to help you with your duties he will be most pleased to perform.
CHRISTINE: Oh, I'm sure he will.
MARY BETH: I don't suppose you know where we could find him now, Mr. Jamal, do you?
SAID JAMAL: He generally lunches between noon and two.
CHRISTINE: Any particular place?
SAID JAMAL: He has a table reserved at La Macca el Pourri.
MARY BETH: I beg your pardon.
CHRISTINE: La Macca el Pourri.

[Macca el Pourri]

MISS. LANDON: Really, Hassan, that would just be so super.
MOQTADI: You know, when you smile, you have little creases under your eyes which I find completely irresistible.
(they toast one another)
MOQTADI: To us.
(the duo comes in with the Maitre D, Maurice)
CHRISTINE: Is that him?
(the Maurice nods)
CHRISTINE: Come on, Mary Beth.
MAURICE: Oh, excuse me. Would you mind terribly if I had him come out here?
CHRISTINE: What, are we not dressed properly or something?
MAURICE: No, we would just prefer to avoid an incident.
MARY BETH: All right, go ahead.
MAURICE: Thank you.
MARY BETH: Nice place, huh?
CHRISTINE: It's gorgeous.
MARY BETH: So, what do you think? It's seventy bucks for lunch. Forget the house wine.
CHRISTINE: The house wine costs seventy bucks.
MARY BETH: (as Moqtadi gets up) Not bad looking.
CHRISTINE: Do you like that tie?
MOQTADI: Hello, Maurice tells me you wanted to see me.
CHRISTINE: Yes, we have information that a car that is registered in your name was involved in an accident, Mr. Moqtadi. We wonder if you will come down to the precinct to answer a few questions.
MOQTADI: Surely it can wait until after lunch?
MARY BETH: We're on our lunch hour now, sir.
MOQTADI: Ah, certainly. Maurice, be so kind as to tell Miss. Landon to order a dessert. I'll be back shortly. Ladies, if you don't mind, I'd like to splash a little water on my hands. I'll be right with you.
CHRISTINE: Of course.
(they follow him towards the Men's room. He gestures for them to follow him out of the main room)
CHRISTINE: Oh, no thanks, we'll wait out here.
MARY BETH: He looks like he's Omar al Sharif.
CHRISTINE: He's got crooked teeth.
MARY BETH: You know, Christine, you're very critical. That's your trouble with men. You want them all to be perfect.
CHRISTINE: No! I just have a thing about teeth.
MARY BETH: When do we tell him the whole story?
CHRISTINE: In the car.
MARY BETH: Do you think he's on to us?
CHRISTINE: Maybe. What can he do? There's only one door to the Men's room.
CHRISTINE/MARY BETH: Window!
CHRISTINE: (to Maurice) You gotta window here in the Men's room?
MAURICE: Wait a second. you can't go in there!

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: How could you let a thing like this happen?
MARY BETH: Well, there was a window in the bathroom, sir.
SAMUELS: No kidding! You don't have a window in your bathroom? Huh! (in Chris's face) I gotta window in my bathroom.
CHRISTINE: Well, what did you expect us to do? Go in there with him.
SAMUELS: Yeah! A suspect has to go to the can, (in Mary Beth's face) you go to the can with him!
MARY BETH: We'll get him, sir.
SAMUELS: (yelling) You better get him! Now, go on, get outta here! (he turns back to them and says quietly) Wait a minute, I didn't mean... It's just er... You know, you blow a collar like this, it just makes us all look bad.
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
SAMUELS: You know what I mean? So you go into the shower with him next time. Yes? ...Right?
MARY BETH: Right sir.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: He didn't mean to yell.
CHRISTINE: You could have fooled me.
LA GUARDIA: What's happened in there?
CHRISTINE: Nothing. Believe me, absolutely nothing.
LA GUARDIA: It was very loud for nothing.
MARY BETH: La Guardia, did you ever go into a Ladies' room to make a collar?
LA GUARDIA: All the time. Years ago when I worked Vice, hookers used to run into the john at Penn Station.
PETRIE: And you flushed them out, so to speak?
CHRISTINE: Come on, Mary Beth, let's get out of here.
PETRIE: (as they leave) I'm sorry.
LA GUARDIA: We used to go in there like the Marines, and I tell you, they'd come at us with everything. Hatpins, umbrellas, whatever they had. That was before the Mirandas came in.
PETRIE: Ha.
LA GUARDIA: You didn't have to read 'em their rights. I remember one day in Queens...
(he realises Petrie has walked away)

[Mission of Republic of Zamir]

(the duo are drinking coffee)
MARY BETH: Oh, how do they drink this stuff?
CHRISTINE: It's a ritual of politeness.
MARY BETH: Yeah, well, (as she tips the coffee into a flower arrangement) skipping out the bathroom window wasn't too polite.
CHRISTINE: So this time we put cuffs on him.
SAID JAMAL: (coming in) We are very pleased to receive you once more.
MARY BETH: Mr. Jamal, I'm afraid that this time is not going to be so pleasant. We have a warrant for the arrest of Hassan bin Moqtadi.
SAID JAMAL: Arrest?
CHRISTINE: He's the primary suspect in a felony of assault and reckless endangerment.
SAID JAMAL: I don't understand.
CHRISTINE: Mr. Moqtadi's car was identified leaving the site of an accident when an elderly man was very badly injured.
SAID JAMAL: I see. Well, I shall discuss the matter with him straight away.
MARY BETH: (as Jamal moves off) Mr. Jamal, I don't think that you understand. We are here to arrest him.
SAID JAMAL: That's quite out of the question.
CHRISTINE: Look, Mr. Jamal, we were hoping to do this without creating a scene. Mr. Moqtadi is not a registered diplomat and he has no immunity from arrest.
SAID JAMAL: Yes, but Mr. Moqtadi is a citizen of Zamir and you are presently on territory belonging to the Republic of Zamir.
MARY BETH: We're on First and Fifty-second, sir.
SAID JAMAL: The diplomatic status accredited by your State Department provides for extra-territorial sovereignty for our Mission. You have no jurisdiction within these walls.
CHRISTINE: And there's a man named Sol Klein who's laying in a hospital out there in a pretty worse state because of Mr. Moqtadi!
SAID JAMAL: That is most regrettable. I must tell you, there are many of us who do not approve of the manner in which Mr. Moqtadi comports himself. However, you Americans of all people, should be sensitive to the principle of inviolability of diplomatic relations. May I remind you of your country's reaction when your Embassy was violated in Tehran.
MARY BETH: (as he walks away again) Oh, just a minute here!
SAID JAMAL: Should you care to pursue the matter I would suggest you proceed through the usual diplomatic channels. Good day.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Samuels has his team gathered round him)
SAMUELS: Well, I'm not gonna put any Uniforms out there. The only way we're gonna nail this clown is to get him to make a run for the airport.
PETRIE: You mean he can stay there forever if he wants to?
SAMUELS: Well, that's the law.
ISBECKI: Why don't we go in there with tear gas?
CHRISTINE: Oh, forget tear gas, Isbecki. Why don't we just drop a neutron bomb on the place.
ISBECKI: Why are you always so sarcastic?
CHRISTINE: You bring out the best in me.
ISBECKI: Well, do you want a bit of regular attention from a real man?
CHRISTINE: Hey, don't worry about me, OK?
SAMUELS: Will you two knock it off! We're gonna have to stake this place out around the clock. Four hour shifts. Detectives only. I'll make out a schedule.
(the group breaks up)
CHRISTINE: I hate stakeouts.
MARY BETH: We'll play gin rummy. You owe me a buck forty-six on the one last December.
CHRISTINE: Did you have any plans for tonight?
MARY BETH: No. Muriel's taking the kids to dinner and to a movie.
CHRISTINE: How's it going with her?
MARY BETH: Oh, terrific. I come home, the place is spotless. Dinner's on the table. It's like having full-time help.
CHRISTINE: Is she applying for the job? (picking up the phone) I've gotta cancel this date.
MARY BETH: Who's the guy?
CHRISTINE: Nobody special. His name's Jack Rydell. He's a very successful corporate lawyer with a sea shell place in Vermont, season tickets to the Lincoln Center and eyes like Paul Newman. Not only that, he's not married and he's not gay and he's not going through a mid-life crisis. (into phone) Jack Rydell, please. ...Chris Cagney. ...I'll hold.
MARY BETH: Sounds wonderful, Chris. I'm sorry you had to cancel. Where was he taking you?
CHRISTINE: This little Italian place on Fifty-six. They make real manicotti ...and then, ...who knows.
MARY BETH: How good's his teeth?
CHRISTINE: Perfect. (into phone) Hello, Jack.

[Laceys' lounge]

(they are watching television)
REPORTER: (on TV) Dallas, Los Angeles, Chicago and Baltimore. Among the boroughs, Brooklyn has the largest number of homicides although Manhattan had the highest rate...
MARY BETH: I'm getting very bored with this programme. Can I ask you a very serious question?
HARVEY: Sure.
MARY BETH: What do you think of love in the afternoon?
HARVEY: You wanna watch a soap?
MARY BETH: No, dear. Us. Muriel's got the kids, we got the house. I'm don't have to be back on stakeout for three hours and twenty-six minutes. (with her arms around his neck) And I think you're gorgeous. So, come on. (nodding towards the bedroom) What do you say.
HARVEY: I've been thinking on what Christine said, about my mother.
MARY BETH: Oh.
HARVEY: That she wants to move in here. Do you think she's right?
MARY BETH: (still with her arms round his neck) Harve, we're here!
HARVEY: There's no room here. She knows that.
MARY BETH: Well, you've heard about her helping with a down payment on a house.
HARVEY: So?
MARY BETH: So, I think that she comes with the house.
HARVEY: Baby, I couldn't do that to you.
MARY BETH: Harve, if you want your mother to move in with us, it's OK with me. I like Muriel. We can make it work out. Do you wanna continue this conversation in the bedroom?
HARVEY: We can't do it!
MARY BETH: Why not, you got a headache?
HARVEY: (as Mary Beth tries to kiss him) Come on, baby, I'm talking about my mother.
MARY BETH: Harve, your mother is scared of being all by herself. She's feeling old and she's feeling alone.
HARVEY: That's just the point, she isn't old, she's sixty-two. Before my father died she was like a spitfire, always on the go. lots of friends. Now she sits alone all day or she comes over here.
MARY BETH: And makes French toast.
(she undoes his shirt. He does it up)
HARVEY: What she needs is a life of her own, not just to be somebody's grandmother.
MARY BETH: Yeah.
HARVEY: So would you talk to her?
MARY BETH: Me! But she's your mother!
HARVEY: But you're a woman. You know how to tell her the right way. Would you do it?
MARY BETH: (kissing him again) Harvey?
HARVEY: Hey, baby, I'll make it worth your while.
MARY BETH: (as he starts to kiss her she points to the TV) Oh, Harve, look at that! Look at that.
(on the TV Moqtadi is being interviewed)
INTERVIEWER: (on TV ) If you're not guilty of the alleged crime, then what do have to fear by coming forward?
MOQTADI: (on TV ) Ha, ha. Certainly you understand the political climate in New York City. hardly the place for me to get a fair trial.
INTERVIEWER: (on TV ) Do you mean you wanna change the venue?
(Mary Beth gets up and turns up the TV sound)
MOQTADI: (on TV ) Of course. Might I remind you, I am an Arab. If the victim of this alleged incident is a Jew, New York City has a population of over one million people of Jewish descent.
MARY BETH: Hypocrite. Hypocrite! He's trying to throw up a smoke screen.
HARVEY: Who is he?
MARY BETH: He's a criminal, that's who he is and we're gonna nail him because he's trying to start the Arab-Israeli war all over again on 52nd Street. He's not gonna do it though.

[52nd Street outside Mission of Republic of Zamir]

(a demonstration is in progress. Banners say 'Come out Moqtadi'. The duo arrives for their shift)
MARY BETH: I do not believe this.
CHRISTINE: Some undercover stakeout.
MARY BETH: Forget it. We're starting a war.
(going over to the Squad car which is parked opposite)
MARY BETH: How long has this been going on?
PETRIE: Right after the six o'clock news. People move fast.
ISBECKI: You two might as well go home. This guy isn't gonna any place with all these Uniforms around here.
CHRISTINE: I think we'll stick around a while.
(the duo takes over in the car. Isbecki leans in through the window)
ISBECKI: (to Chris) Nothing better happening, huh?
(she winds up the window on him)

[Squad car]

MARY BETH: It's a circus.
CHRISTINE: It's news.
MARY BETH: Yeah. And so was the guy in the Texas shoot out. I hate it. And what about the victims? What about the Sol Kleins?
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, could you lighten up, huh? This could be a very long night.
MARY BETH: Yeah, and he's gonna be up there having Press conferences and a banquet.
CHRISTINE: Speaking of banquets, (she picks up some pretzels wrapped in paper from the top of the dashboard) They left us dinner. Here.
MARY BETH: You're joking.
(later)
CHRISTINE: Why don't you take ten minutes.
(Mary Beth who snuggles down. Chris observes the Mission through binoculars)

[Laceys' kitchen]

(Muriel is giving the kids breakfast. Mary Beth comes in still in her nightclothes)
MARY BETH: Hi ya.
MICHAEL: Hi Mum, how was the stakeout?
HARVEY JR: Did you make the collar?
MARY BETH: Morning, Muriel.
MURIEL: Morning dear.
MICHAEL: Grandma's making pancakes.
MARY BETH: So I see. Here, come on, let me take over.
MURIEL: I don't mind, really.
MARY BETH: No, I will make breakfast this morning.
HARVEY JR: Since when? You only make special stuff on Sunday.
MARY BETH: Since right now.
MURIEL: I thought that you were up so late last night...
MARY BETH: Very thoughtful of you, Muriel.
MICHAEL: Not too well done, Mum. OK?
MARY BETH: Yeah, with plenty of syrup, right?
MICHAEL: Right.
MARY BETH: There's egg salad sandwiches in the fridge for lunch. I made 'em when I got home last night.
HJ. Oh Mum.
MICHAEL: Oh Mum.

[Lexington General Hospital ward]

SOL KLEIN: They tell me I was hit by a Rolls-Royce. Not bad, huh?
CHRISTINE: Well, we know who the driver is and we have a witness. We're just kinda having legal problems making the arrest.
SOL KLEIN: Listen, I know all about it. It's on the news. If I'd have got hit by a Jew it would have hurt just as much.
CHRISTINE: We'll get him, Mr. Klein, I promise you.
SOL KLEIN: I don't understand the big deal. Look at this, I get flowers from people I don't even know. 'Get well, Mr. Klein', 'You're a hero, Mr. Klein'. What kind of hero? I got run over by a car. You know what I'd like?
CHRISTINE: What?
SOL KLEIN: First, I'd like everybody to leave me alone. And second, I'd like someone to tell me how I'm gonna pay the hospital bill.
MARY BETH: You mean you don't have medical insurance?
SOL KLEIN: Do you know how much that stuff costs these days?
MARY BETH: Well, not really sir, the Department covers us.
SOL KLEIN: You should thank God it does. At these prices you have to die to get your moneys worth.
CHRISTINE: I'm sorry.
SOL KLEIN: Is it true, this guy's worth twenty million dollars?
CHRISTINE: That's what the papers are saying.
SOL KLEIN: You'd think he could afford to hire a chauffer.

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: Cagney. Lacey. Have a seat.
MARQUETTE: Detective Lacey. Detective Cagney.
CHRISTINE: Inspector.
SAMUELS: Inspector, do you wanna tell 'em this?
MARQUETTE: About this Moqtadi business. I don't know if you know who he is.
CHRISTINE: As far as I can see, he's a spoiled brat.
MARY BETH: And a felon, sir.
MARQUETTE: Well he's also the son of the Minister of the Interior for Zamir.
CHRISTINE: We know that.
MARQUETTE: What you might not know is that our country is in the middle of negotiations for a long-term oil deal. Now the talks are very sensitive right now. This doesn't help. (Mary Beth goes to interrupt) Moreover this department is being made to look very bad in the media. And this is a no-win situation for us.
CHRISTINE: Excuse me, Inspector, do you think we should just drop it.
MARQUETTE: What I'm saying, Detective, is the entire situation might be taken out of our hands very soon. There are high-level discussions going on in Washington right now.
CHRISTINE: What kind of discussions?
MARQUETTE: A deal. We take it down to a misdemeanour. He coughs, says 'I'm sorry and sayonara'.
MARY BETH: And where does that leave Sol Klein?
SAMUELS: Ha. He could try suing Moqtadi.
MARY BETH: And chase it through the courts for six to eight years. That is of course if he could get him extradited from Zamir.
MARQUETTE: Look, between you and me I don't like letting a felon cop out to a misdemeanour. Now if you can catch him now, he may get an indictment before Washington intervenes.
SAMUELS: Just get him out of that Mission.
MARY BETH: Any suggestions?
SAMUELS: We'll have to keep on watching him.
MARQUETTE: Inspector?
MARQUETTE: None that'll hold up in front of a judge.
CHRISTINE: You know what ticks me off, Inspector. When these guys throw a bit of fruit out of a car they cut their hand off. He comes over here. Runs over a man, nearly kills him and we can't even touch him. ...Mary Beth, let's tell Isbecki and Petrie.
MARY BETH: Excuse us.

[Squad car]

(in daylight Petrie and Isbecki are on stake out reading newspapers. Isbecki is studying sports form)
PETRIE: Listen to this, Isbecki. In an exclusive interview with this reporter, Mr. Hassan bin Moqtadi was quoted as saying 'I am a political prisoner under house arrest just like Lech Wolesa was in Poland'. Can you believe this man's nerve?
(later the duo are back on stakeout playing gin rummy. There is no demonstration going on. Later it is dark. Petrie and Isbecki have taken over)
PETRIE: Where were you going out to dinner tonight.
ISBECKI: This little French place on Columbus Avenue, with Zicky.
PETRIE: Zicky? Is this a new one?
ISBECKI: Yeah. I met her in a revolving door outside of Gimbels. She's a nude dancer on Canal Street.
PETRIE: How do you find them, Victor?
ISBECKI: It's part of this radar system inside of my mind. I hear this little blip on a screen, turn around, and there they are.
(at night La Guardia and another detective have taken over. In the morning Petrie and Isbecki are back on duty)
ISBECKI: What is it in the backward countries. They have four or five wives. And they keep them covered in veils and stuff.
PETRIE: Custom. Victor, we have customs too. You wouldn't like it if someone made fun of baseball and apple pie.
ISBECKI: Hm! Who'd make fun of baseball?
(later it is still light. The duo is on duty still playing gin rummy)
CHRISTINE: It's your card. Stop me if I eat one more pretzel.
MARY BETH: That's the trouble with stakeouts, they're fattening. What is the last card?
CHRISTINE: Eight. Meanwhile he's up there eating caviar.
MARY BETH: Yeah, well, you mean like Louis the Fourteenth, right? Let them eat pretzels. Ha, ha, ha.
CHRISTINE: That was Marie-Antoinette.
(just then a van marked 'Incredible Edible' draws up outside the mission. Two deliverymen in company uniform go into the Mission)
MARY BETH: Look at that.
CHRISTINE: What, they run out of caviar?
MARY BETH: Listen, sooner or later he's gonna get tired of caviar. He's gonna want a hotdog or something. I mean what is the big deal, anyway. What is it? Fish eggs?
CHRISTINE: It's supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Your turn.
MARY BETH: No kidding. Are you speaking from experience?
CHRISTINE: No. I just read it ...somewhere.
(Chris picks up the binoculars as two delivery men come back out)
CHRISTINE: That was fast. Mary Beth, did you ever hear of a deliveryman wearing two hundred dollar Italian shoes?
(they get out of the car)

[52nd Street outside Mission of Republic of Zamir]

MARY BETH: Hey, fella.
(Moqtadi makes a run for it along the street. They pursue him round a corner. The pavement is very crowded)
CHRISTINE: Out of the way, people!
MARY BETH: Excuse us!
(Moqtadi jumps on a bus which pulls away. The duo runs alongside banging on the doors and shouting 'Police' to get the driver to stop which he does. They board the bus via the two entrances. They check everybody off the bus. They do not find Moqtadi but do find an emergency window open)
CHRISTINE: Oops.

[Detectives' Squad room]

SAMUELS: A bus?! ...A bus. ...This'll be the first time in the history of this department that a suspect made a getaway in a bus. A New York City bus. In broad daylight with officers in hot pursuit!
CHRISTINE: He went out the emergency exit.
SAMUELS: The emergency exit. Last time he went out the bathroom window. Who is this guy? Houdini! ...A bus!! ..A bus. A ...big, ...fat, ...slow ...bus.
MARY BETH: Is he gone?
CHRISTINE: Mm hm. I'll take the airport. You take the harbour control. Then we can both do the train stations, the bus stations.
(a phone goes)
PETRIE: (into phone) Fourteenth Squad. Detective Petrie. ...I beg your pardon.
MARY BETH: (into phone) About six feet tall, a hundred and eighty pounds, dark complexion. He is carrying a passport from the Republic of Zamir. Z, A, M, I, R.
PETRIE: You've come through to wrong extension. Detective Cagney is on one-nine-two.
MARY BETH: I don't know where it is. Somewhere in the Persian Gulf. You don't have to know where it is in order to pick him up.
PETRIE: (into phone) Will you just hold on. Sir, she'll pick up when she's available.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) He looks like Omar Sharif, except for the teeth.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Yes. ...Yes, I'll hold.
PETRIE: (into phone) Just one minute. I'll tell her you're holding. ...Yes.
MARY BETH: (into phone) I need some help on a suspect who is fleeing jurisdiction. ...All right, I'll hold.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Moqtadi. M, O, Q, T, A, D, I.
PETRIE: Chris.
CHRISTINE: Just a minute. (into phone) And if you get him, cuff him to something that weighs at least a ton.
PETRIE: There's a call for you on one-nine-two.
CHRISTINE: I can't take it. I'm up to my bangs here, Petrie.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Yes, I am holding!
PETRIE: I think you want to talk to this man.
CHRISTINE: Who is it?
PETRIE: Hassan bin Moqtadi.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Detective Cagney.
MARY BETH: (into phone) You hold!
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Don't be cute, Mr. Moqtadi. ...No, I did not enjoy it! You've just added 'Resisting arrest' to the charges. ...Where are you? (to Mary Beth) Back to the caviar. ...(into phone) I'm not in the position to negotiate, Mr. Moqtadi. You come down here and you turn yourself in and we'll see how willing the District Attorney... ...You think it over! ...And the next time you leave that little chateau of yours you better be wearing sneakers. (she rings off) Damn it!
MARY BETH: Right.

[Corner of East 64th Street and Lexington Avenue]

(the Squad car drives up. The duo gets out)
CHRISTINE: Got your message. You wanted to see us?
SLY: Yes ma'am.. Did you hear the one about the guy who talked suggestively to plants? Arrested for making an obscene fern call!
MARY BETH: Cute, Sly. You got something for us?
CHRISTINE: Come on, Mary Beth, that one was funny.
MARY BETH: (he offers her a pretzel) Oh. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, Sly, but if I see another pretzel again, it'll be too soon.
SLY: Well, don't get all out of shape now!
MARY BETH: This is very humorous here. You got something for us or not?
(Sly hands Mary Beth a piece of paper)
MARY BETH: What is this?
SLY: The bastards are putting me out of business. Some nosey flatfoot says that I don't have no business licence. Now I think some corrections are in order.
CHRISTINE: Do you ...have a licence?
SLY: Madam, I'm a true believer in the free enterprise system but the worry of all this is affecting my memory something terrible. I keep thinking that the guy that was driving that big car was a nigger. Probably bald, maybe even a Brother, but definitely not an Arab. You see the worry is affecting my mind like this.
MARY BETH: We'll do what we can, Sly.
CHRISTINE: As soon as you get your licence.
SLY: Tomorrow morning.
CHRISTINE: Today! Now.
SLY: See ya. ...Oh, can I ask you ladies something serious? How do you feel about knishes?
MARY BETH: Is this a joke?!
SLY: Jewish potato pies. I'm thinking about diversifying my business.
CHRISTINE: I've heard that one.
MARY BETH: Ha, ha, ha.
(They get back in the car)

[Laceys' lounge]

(Muriel is sitting in her dressing gown reading. Mary Beth comes home)
MARY BETH: Oh, I thought you'd be asleep by now.
MURIEL: You're a bit late.
MARY BETH: The shift ends at midnight. Must be a terrific book. Where's Harve?
MURIEL: He's asleep. Mary Beth, could we talk?
MARY BETH: Oh, sure.
MURIEL: I know I've been a burden on you and Harvey. I'm in the way here.
MARY BETH: Not true.
MURIEL: I'll be leaving tomorrow.
MARY BETH: What, have they finished painting?
MURIEL: They finished three days ago. The truth is, I didn't wanna go back there.
MARY BETH: What's wrong, Muriel?
MURIEL: I don't know what to do.
MARY BETH: About what?
MURIEL: About my life. I get up in the morning, make breakfast, read the newspaper, straighten up, then I look at the clock. It's only ten thirty, and I don't know what to do, so I straighten up some more. You don't know what it's like, not having nobody to ...share your life with. ...I feel so useless.
CHRISTINE: My partner lives alone.
CHRISTINE: What does she do?
MARY BETH: Well, she works very hard. Sometimes I think that why she's such a good cop 'cos she has no distractions.
CHRISTINE: Is she happy?
MARY BETH: Yes, I think she is. She's honest with herself. She has things that she loves.
MURIEL: Like what?!
MARY BETH: Er, like Vermont. ...And er, sports cars, sushi, ...Mozart, men with perfect teeth.
MURIEL: I envy her. ...I was married to Charlie for thirty-five years. It's so hard to change.
MARY BETH: But not impossible.
MURIEL: I don't even know where to start.
MARY BETH: How about a job? Or a cause? Or ...a hobby or a man?
MURIEL: I couldn't take up with another man!
MARY BETH: Muriel, I told you four things here and the only thing you heard was 'man'.
MURIEL: That one at least I have some experience with. But at my age!
MARY BETH: Oh, Muriel, please, you're not an old lady. You're bright and you're attractive and you make perfect French toast and Charlie would not want you sitting around the apartment straightening up all day.
(Muriel shakes her head)
MARY BETH: You know what I'd do if I were you?
MURIEL: What?
MARY BETH: If I were you er, for openers, I would sleep in tomorrow morning. Let somebody else make breakfast. And then I'd go out and explore the city. I'd go by Queen's College and the new school and get their Extensions Catalogue. And I'd go to a newsstand, get Manhattan Magazine which has listings of, you know, concerts and er, museums. I mean, Muriel, get the Classified. Maybe someone is willing to pay you to make French toast. ...Well, you never know. ...And if that didn't work, then I would buy myself a new pair of shoes. That always works for me.
MURIEL: Ha! You need to get some sleep!
MARY BETH: Na.
MURIEL: Go on now! ...Mary Beth,..
MARY BETH: Mm hm.
MURIEL: Thanks.
MARY BETH: For what? (they give each other a kiss on the cheek) Good night, Muriel.

[Precinct House yard]

(coming out to the Squad car)
CHRISTINE: You know, we really should negotiate with him.
MARY BETH: Why?
CHRISTINE: It's a stalemate. He's not coming out! We can't get in there. I'm thinking of Sol Klein really.
MARY BETH: The thought of making a deal with that guy makes me sick.
CHRISTINE: But it's done all the time! Dope traders copped for possession. Hookers copped for loitering.
MARY BETH: And lawyers get rich on expenses!
(Marquette arrives in his car and gives the duo a toot)
CHRISTINE: Oh no, I can't stand him.
MARQUETTE: Good morning.
MARY BETH: Morning, sir.
CHRISTINE: Morning.
MARQUETTE: I'm afraid I have some rough news.
CHRISTINE: He offered a deal?
MARQUETTE: A hundred bucks and a traffic citation.
MARY BETH: I don't believe it.
MARQUETTE: They're calling in the Ambassador at four this afternoon.
CHRISTINE: Does Moqtadi know this yet?
MARQUETTE: I'm not even supposed to know. A friend of mine in the State Department called me this morning. I'm sorry. ...Samuels there?
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
(Marquette goes in)
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth.
MARY BETH: What?
CHRISTINE: Moqtadi doesn't know.
MARY BETH: So?
(Chris just smiles. Mary Beth smiles back)

[Mission of Republic of Zamir]

MOQTADI: (offering them coffee) I suppose you've decided to reconsider my offer.
CHRISTINE: You're offer was to negotiate. Let's negotiate.
MOQTADI: Is the coffee good, Officer Lacey?
MARY BETH: Very good.
MOQTADI: In my country when you are shopping for a bride you are invited to her parent's house for coffee. It is a little ritual of negotiation, and when the bride's price is presented, your host will ask you 'Is the coffee good?'. If you like the terms you answer 'Yes, the coffee is good.'.
CHRISTINE: Well, that's fascinating, Mr. Moqtadi, but we've not settled on any terms yet.
MOQTADI: I'm quite confident that we will, after all the present situation is not benefiting anyone, is it?
CHRISTINE: We want Sol Klein, taken care of.
MOQTADI: (to Mary Beth) She is very direct, isn't she?
MARY BETH: Things move a little more quickly in New York than they do in Zamir.
CHRISTINE: If we agreed to drop the criminal charges against you, what are you prepared to do for Mr. Klein.
MOQTADI: Perhaps a modest sum, ...to help him out.
MARY BETH: How modest?
MOQTADI: Shall we say, one thousand dollars.
CHRISTINE: That wouldn't even touch his hospital bill.
MOQTADI: (getting up and getting annoyed) You must realise I am doing this out of a desire to alleviate a very unpleasant situation! I have not been convicted of anything!
CHRISTINE: Oh, you will be Mr Moqtadi, believe me! (getting up) Felony, assault, reckless endangerment. Oh and I forgot about you resisting arrest. ...You're facing a prison sentence.
MOQTADI: (sitting down again) Then I will pay his hospital bills.
MARY BETH: And what about the time that he lost at work?
MOQTADI: I'll pay that too.
MARY BETH: And I think that Mr. Klein's gonna need a month's vacation after he gets out of hospital. (Chris is enjoying Mary Beth's contribution) Nothing elaborate. Shall we say five thousand dollars on top of the disbursement?
MOQTADI: Ha, Ah. You drive a very hard bargain.
CHRISTINE: Not as hard as the District Attorney, believe me.
MARY BETH: So, Mr. Moqtadi, how do like the coffee?
MOQTADI: A little expensive, ...but satisfactory.
CHRISTINE: Good. Let's get going.
MOQTADI: I'll write you a cheque.
MARY BETH: Oh. Er. That coffee's gone bad again.
CHRISTINE: Oh. Yeah.
MOQTADI: But surely you don't think I'm going to write a cheque, drawing on insufficient funds.
CHRISTINE: The last time we transacted business together you ducked out the bathroom window. So this time I think that all three of us should go to the bank together and draw nice cash instead for Sol Klein.
MOQTADI: If you insist. My bank is at Fifty-four and Madison.
MARY BETH: It's a pleasure.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, I've just had another idea.
MARY BETH: What is that?
CHRISTINE: I think Mr. Moqtadi should make a donation, (to Moqtadi as he comes over with his cheque book) In your own name, of course, to a worthy charity. You know, what with all these troubles he's caused the City of New York.
MOQTADI: Certainly. Whatever charity you like. I'll give five hundred dollars.
CHRISTINE: Good!! ...How about the United Jewish Appeal.
MARY BETH: Very worthy. After you, sir.

[Samuels' office]

SAMUELS: (holding a cheque) How did you pull it off?
MARY BETH: We were charming, sir.
SAMUELS: You know, he's gonna be furious when the deal comes down from Washington.
CHRISTINE: Let him sue us.
SAMUELS: You know you should have cleared that with me first.
MARY BETH: Oh, oh, we were going to, sir. Honest. But you were so busy with Inspector Marquette and all, and we were running out of time, sir.
SAMUELS: (smiling) He can always sue you for it.
MARY BETH: Coffee, sir. A lot of thick black coffee.
SAMUELS: Ha, ha, ha. Do know what that word does for me?
MARY BETH: I grew up in New York, sir.
SAMUELS: Go on, get out of here, the both of yous.

[Detectives' Squad room]

LA GUARDIA: Mary Beth, your mother-in-law is waiting to see you.
MARY BETH: Oh, thanks.
LA GUARDIA: Oh, listen, we've been chatting. She's a very nice lady.
MARY BETH: I told ya.
LA GUARDIA: Is Harvey's father as nice as she is?
MARY BETH: Well, he was. He died a couple of years ago.
LA GUARDIA: Oh, oh. That's too bad. Listen, do you think she might be interested in...
MARY BETH: Paul, ask her for her number. (going over to Muriel) You look gorgeous.
MURIEL: I just wanted to come by and say 'Thank you' again.
MARY BETH: The dress is terrific.
MURIEL: You really think so?
MARY BETH: Absolutely.
MURIEL: (quietly) I got it in a sale.
MARY BETH: I didn't keep you waiting long, did I?
MURIEL: Oh, no. I was talking to that nice detective over there.
(La Guardia waves)
MARY BETH: La Guardia. Like the airport.
MURIEL: Like the man. Nice name. ...Well, I better be going. Harvey's waiting out in the car.
MARY BETH: Oh, Muriel. I got Monday off and I'm dying to go to the Museum of Modern Art and have lunch. Do you wanna come with me?
MURIEL: Sure. If you want to.
MARY BETH: It's a date. One o'clock.
MURIEL: Yeah, that'll be great. I'll see ya then.
MARY BETH: See ya.
LA GUARDIA: (to Muriel) Bye.
MARY BETH: La Guardia!
LA GUARDIA: Yeah?
MARY BETH: Do you like French toast?

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