[Gradys' apartment building hallway]
(the doorman for the next shift comes in and greets the doorman on duty)
DOORMAN #2: Hey, what's doing kid, anything?
DOORMAN #1: No, nothing man.
DOORMAN #2: Here's a paper for ya.
(while the new doorman is putting on his uniform and the on duty one is looking at the newspaper four men with a sign 'Custom Re-upholsterers' on the back of their jackets and carrying blankets push past two residents on their way out)
DOORMAN #1: Good morning Mrs. Fitch, Miss. Bogood. (opening the door for them) How are you today? ...Very good. ...Have a nice day.
DOORMAN #2: Those guys are from the re-upholsterers, Flintskis. I just saved their truck from getting a double-parking ticket.
DOORMAN #1: Didn't the Gradys just buy a load of new furniture?
DOORMAN #2: Well, they didn't mention about picking up any furniture.
DOORMAN #1: So what's that, bad news? They don't tell us. I guess it must be OK. They've got a key.
(after picking the lock the four men quietly let themselves in)
(Chris is sitting in the car parked on a Manhattan street. Mary Beth rushes across the road from a shop)
MARY BETH: There you go. Without mustard.
CHRISTINE: Thanks. We got a ten twenty-one on East Thirty-second.
MARY BETH: Right.
(as they drive along Mary Beth begins to hum)
CHRISTINE: What are you so happy about?
MARY BETH: (looking into a shopping bag on the seat) So what did you buy, shoes?
CHRISTINE: No, I went to my favourite Italian deli, Ninth Avenue.
MARY BETH: Mozzarella, Ricardo parmesan. What is this?
CHRISTINE: I am making cannelloni this weekend.
MARY BETH: From scratch?
CHRISTINE: Of course.
MARY BETH: Who's the lucky guy? ...Come on!
CHRISTINE: I don't know yet.
MARY BETH: Oh. Oh.
(she checks her hair in the visor mirror and begins to hum again)
CHRISTINE: Hey, what is it with you?
MARY BETH: You know I told you Harvey's had a good run on that Noreen's Boutique job. He's gonna get a bonus.
CHRISTINE: He's not been doing bad lately then?
MARY BETH: Yes. And he's got that job in Far Rockaway doing the kitchen, so he's gonna surprise me with something.
CHRISTINE: Oh! ...Mrs. Lacey!
MARY BETH: Yeah, and I know what it is too.
MARY BETH: Something I've been wanting for years.
MARY BETH: A new refrigerator.
[Gradys' apartment building hallway]
MARY BETH: I want the kind with two doors. Twenty-two point two cubic feet side by side, in California avocado. ...Automatic icemaker, an outside -mount cold water tap. Odour resistive. Porcelain steel interior and a 'Keep-em-as-fresh-as-you-can'.
CHRISTINE: Sounds like the Atlantic Hotel.
(the lift comes and they go up)
MARY BETH: Now, you don't understand. This is the kinda thing that makes a marriage.
CHRISTINE: I understand. I knew a guy who once gave me an electric can-opener. It did not last.
MARY BETH: The guy or the can-opener?
CHRISTINE: I burnt out the motor.
MARY BETH: If Isbecki and La Guardia are already here, why does Samuels want us here too?
CHRISTINE: I don't know. He said this one was unusual.
MARY BETH: What's unusual about a burglary. They break into your apartment. They steal your money, your jewels, your video cassette recorder and they quit.
(the duo comes in and stops dead. Mary Beth lets out a whistle)
ISBECKI: They left the fireplace.
[Detectives' Squad room]
LA GUARDIA: (handling a neck chain from a case on his desk) This one's nice but I want something heavier.
LUBIN: What are you talking about. They're solid gold. If you're talking heavier, you're talking expense.
LA GUARDIA: That's not a consideration. I want her to have the best.
(the doorman who was coming off duty is sitting with Mary Beth looking at a mug shot album)
DOORMAN #1: This guy has got the same eyebrows but that's all. And this guy looks just like a guy I was in the third grade with. ...Oh, oh, look at this guy!
DOORMAN #1: Look at this guy right here.
MARY BETH: What? Is he the truck driver?
DOORMAN #1: No, but look at his face. He's got to be an actor at least.
MARY BETH: That'll be all. Maybe it would be better if we took you upstairs to see our sketch artist, Raoul.
DOORMAN #1: Yeah, OK, maybe that'd be better.
MARY BETH: It's right over there. Just upstairs.
(La Guardia pockets a gold chain and goes across the office. Petrie, who is fiddling with a model police car, gets up and follows him)
PETRIE: Beauty, isn't it? ...It's for Lauren.
LA GUARDIA: She's a little young for that, isn't she?
PETRIE: She's gonna be four months old tomorrow. She's very bright.
LA GUARDIA: Well, in that case it's perfect.
PETRIE: Yeah, but I can't quite seem to get it to work.
(a bedraggled, bearded perp is in the holding cell)
PERP: You got the batteries in wrong. ...Gimmee. Gimmee, I'll show ya.
(Petrie unlocks the cell, the perp fiddles with the car. It starts up, roof light flashing. He puts it on the floor and it starts going round in circles. Petrie joins him on the floor, laughing and enjoying the toy. La Guardia realises Samuels has come up. He coughs)
PETRIE: A present ...for my daughter, Lauren.
SAMUELS: Yeah. Make sure you wash it off before you give it to her. Now, come on, let's get to work. I wanna nip this thing in the bud. Them despicable creeps. They gotta a lot of neck. I'd hate to see what would happen to them if they get cornered. The Lab guys have come up with some reports so, maybe, maybe we'll be able to make some arrests.
(Sergeant Lubin escorts a girl in a wheelchair and a woman in and points to the duo's desks)
LA GUARDIA: That's Mrs. Grady, the victim. Her daughter's crippled.
SAMUELS: Hell of a thing, isn't it. You come home from a funeral and find your house robbed.
MRS. GRADY: At first I thought I was in the wrong apartment. They took everything. I've never heard anything like this happen before.
JERRI GRADY: There's a first time for everything.
MRS. GRADY: I gave them a list of the apartment... (Mary Beth hands her a coffee) Thank you. ...but I keep thinking of more and more things that were stolen.
MARY BETH: That's understandable, Mrs. Grady.
CHRISTINE: We've got the sixty-one form here. We'll be happy to talk to your insurance company.
MRS. GRADY: We don't have an insurance. I guess I was supposed to take care of that. I let it lapse.
JERRI GRADY: Stop blaming yourself. (to Chris) It was as much my father's fault as it was hers.
MRS. GRADY: Please, Jerri.
CHRISTINE: I'm sure it was nobody's fault. These things just happen.
JERRI GRADY: Oh, great. A mediator.
SAMUELS: Miss. Grady. I understand your loss. Your father. My condolences. I'm sorry about this burglary.
JERRI GRADY: Not as sorry as I am. They stole my bike.
(Samuels and Mary Beth look at another, wondering)
CHRISTINE: Um. Yeah, (looking at the list) we've got it right here.
JERRI GRADY: It's a ten-speed Monarch. Here's the owner's manual. The serial number's inside.
CHRISTINE: Good. The more information, the better. Not many people even think to keep this stuff.
JERRI GRADY: Yeah, well I like to read it. Do you know what colour the bike is?
JERRI GRADY: It's red. ...And it has a bullhorn. ...How long have you been a detective?
CHRISTINE: Eleven months.
JERRI GRADY: (to Samuels) Can you find my bike?
SAMUELS: Well er, Detectives Cagney and Lacey, they'll be on the case.
JERRI GRADY: (to Chris) Please find my bike.
CHRISTINE: We'll do our best.
MRS. GRADY: We know you will. Thank you.
CHRISTINE: You're welcome.
MARY BETH: That's an angry young lady.
CHRISTINE: She just wants her bike back.
(somewhere a red sports bike, with the horn being removed, changes hands for money. Somewhere else it is being re-sprayed blue. Later the duo comes back into the office)
CHRISTINE: Her mother says she was hit by a car ten years ago and she's been in a wheelchair ever since.
MARY BETH: Is she permanently disabled?
CHRISTINE: They don't know. The doctors, nurses where she goes for therapy, they're the ones who gave her the bike.
MARY BETH: So have we forgotten the sixty-one form.
CHRISTINE: They said that she would ride that bike if her condition improved. Hey, don't look at me like that! That's what the doctors said. They can't explain it, they're just grateful. They say it is the bike. It's not right.
MARY BETH: No, Christine, it's not right, it stinks. Sometimes I really hate the bad guys.
LUBIN: (putting his case on her desk) Chris! You remember you asked me about a gold necklace ornament. I thought you might be interested in this kangaroo. A cancellation. Didn't like the price.
CHRISTINE: You gotta bike.
LUBIN: I suppose I could have one made up. It might be expensive though.
CHRISTINE: No, I mean a real bicycle, a ten-speed.
LUBIN: Yeah! I can get one wholesale. I got one for Casetti.
CHRISTINE: (putting Jerri's manual on top of the case) I want this one, in red.
LUBIN: It's not cheap. For the kid, huh?
CHRISTINE: Let's do it!
MARY BETH: Christine...
CHRISTINE: Oh, come on Mary Beth, we can afford it. Lets do it!
MARY BETH: Who do think is gonna go along with this?
(Chris gets up and shouts across the Squad room)
CHRISTINE: Hey, guys! We're all gonna chip in and buy the kid a new bike.
LA GUARDIA: We are?
CHRISTINE: Yeah, right now, come on. What do you think? Right now.
LA GUARDIA: Great idea. All right, put me down.
CHRISTINE: Great, La Guardia. Lubin? What are you waiting for, change? Hey, Isbecki, shell out. Come on.
ISBECKI: (handing her a note) Here. If you need any more, let me know.
MARY BETH: (handing her a note) Never say I never.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you will sleep better tonight.
SAMUELS: What is this? Another horse tip from Isbecki's hair stylist! What did I tell you about gambling in here!
CHRISTINE: We're taking up a collection to buy Jerri Grady a new bicycle.
SAMUELS: Oh, that's nice. (he gives her a note, thinks about it and then gives her another) Very nice.
CHRISTINE: Thanks, Lieutenant.
[Precinct House yard]
(Mary Beth has just arrived)
MARY BETH: What are you guys doing out here?
PETRIE: Lubin got the bike.
CHRISTINE: It's in a box, Lubin! Who's gonna put it together!
LUBIN: Will somebody explain to her about buying wholesale.
CHRISTINE: She's gonna be here in one hour.
ISBECKI: Don't worry. I'll put it together.
(he hoists the box over his head)
ISBECKI: What would you guys do without me?
CHRISTINE: You got one hour, Isbecki.
[Detectives' Squad room]
(Isbecki is working on the bike)
SAMUELS: Re this burglary. I want you out on the streets today. I want you looking for what was stolen. And I want you to stay on top of this. Do you understand? Now make sure you make this seat good and tight, will you, Isbecki?
(La Guardia comes up)
LA GUARDIA: Bert, I've got an animal lover on the telephone. He insists on talking to you.
SAMUELS: About what?!
LA GUARDIA: About the guy with the thirty-seven rats in the two-roomed apartment. Line four.
SAMUELS: Thanks. (into phone) Yes. ...Lieutenant Samuels. ...No, the rats will not be destroyed. ...They're gonna be taken to some animal shelter where they'll be er, put up for adoption! ...Any number of people adopt a rat. ...Gordon Lee. What do I know?
(he rings off)
MARY BETH: (into phone) I'll talk to you later, babe. (she rings off and goes to where Chris is supervising Isbecki) Christine, are you sure this is gonna be all right?
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I'll cover for you if you're late.
MARY BETH: Fantastic.
(with a big smile on her face she starts to hum)
CHRISTINE: You're doing it again.
MARY BETH: What?
CHRISTINE: That grin.
MARY BETH: Ah, well, that's because it's tomorrow. The reason that he wants me to get in late is because he wants to surprise me with the refrigerator tomorrow.
CHRISTINE: Oh, that's exciting.
MARY BETH: You know the trouble with you? You don't know what real romance is. Look who's here.
(the duo rushes back to their desks. Peter Daniels, Inspector Marquette's PIO has come in)
MARY BETH: (to Chris) Have you got that property list I needed?
DANIELS: (looking at the bike) Nice. ...Very nice. The bike thing. A real human-interest deal.
MARY BETH: Human-interest? Is that what you're concerned with, Mr. Daniels?
DANIELS: Well, the Department's been getting so much bad publicity lately I figured that people never get to hear about the good things like what you're doing for Jerri Grady. I know that as a mother you can relate to that situation.
CHRISTINE: And I can't! Is that it?
MARY BETH: It was her idea!
CHRISTINE: It was something that we all decided to do. ...Together.
DANIELS: Exactly. ...Exactly, a group effort. That's even better.
SAMUELS: (coming up and putting his hand on Daniels shoulder) This group's got some work to do.
LUBIN: Hey guys! She's here.
CHRISTINE: Isbecki, hide it.
JERRI GRADY: Detective Cagney.
CHRISTINE: Oh. thanks for coming by, Jerri.
JERRI GRADY: Have you heard anything about my bike?
CHRISTINE: Better than that.
(she points across the office and Isbecki brings in the bike)
CHRISTINE: There it is. We found it.
JERRI GRADY: What happened to my horn?
CHRISTINE: Er, must have fallen off the bike.
JERRI GRADY: My bike had white tape on the handlebars. This isn't my bike.
CHRISTINE: Of course it is your bike. We... All right, it isn't your bike. But it's exactly the same bike. It's the same make. It's the same model.
JERRI GRADY: Except the horn.
CHRISTINE: Well, we'll get you another horn.
JERRI GRADY: And the tapes.
CHRISTINE: And we will get you some tape.
JERRI GRADY: This isn't my bike. There's only one bike I want and that was the one that was stolen. I wish you'd have devoted your time to that.
(they sit around deflated)
MARY BETH: A for effort, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Smart kid.
MARY BETH: So why did you wanna try and fool her for?
CHRISTINE: Who said 'No good deed goes unpunished'?
MARY BETH: I think it was the same guy who said 'Enough is enough'. (Chris picks up phone) You got the paperwork on that aggravated assault?
CHRISTINE: What was that anti-crime guy we met at P.J. Clark's?
MARY BETH: What, the one that wanted to take you home in a Porsche? ...Brian Catell.
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Officer Brian Catell, please.
MARY BETH: Why?
CHRISTINE: He works as part of that Squad, you know, er, stolen bikes.
MARY BETH: Oh no, Christine, you're wasting your time.
CHRISTINE: Hey, it's a phone call.
SAMUELS: Hey, you two, Uniform just phoned. That furniture, it was dumped in Brooklyn in a park off the Belt Parkway. Check it out.
CHRISTINE: We're on our way!
(Chris rushes out)
MARY BETH: I'm coming!
(removal men are bringing back in the furniture)
MRS. GRADY: Put it over there. ...On, no, that looks like a grass stain!
MARY BETH: It is a grass stain, Mrs. Grady. They dumped the furniture in a park. They only keep what's easily hockable.
CHRISTINE: (coming off the phone) Somebody got the license plate of the truck. It was stolen two weeks ago.
MARY BETH: Well, we could have figured that one out.
JERRI GRADY: Hi, it's very nice to get our stuff back.
MRS. GRADY: It's just the furniture, honey.
JERRI GRADY: Anything of Grandma's?
MRS. GRADY: They haven't found everything yet, sweetheart.
JERRI GRADY: Not the important stuff like my bike. I guess it's not police priority.
MARY BETH: Excuse me, young lady, we're doing our best to recover everything that was stolen.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth. (Chris picks up her bag and turns to Mrs. Grady) We'll be in touch.
MARY BETH: (to Michael) Cut it out, huh. You got everything? ...Michael, zip up your jacket.
MICHAEL: It's not cold.
MARY BETH: It's not cold in here. Outside it's too chilly in the morning and if you get a cold, Michael, I'll kill you.
(Harvey Jr. comes in ready for school. Harvey picks up the boys lunch packs. There is a knock at the door )
HARVEY: Honey, honey, I've got it.
MARY BETH: Look after your brother.
HARVEY [OC]: Be careful crossing the street, huh.
HARVEY JR. [OC]: Who's that?
HARVEY [OC]: A friend of your mother's.
(Harvey escorts a middle-aged woman in)
HARVEY: Mrs. Wall, this is my wife, Mary Beth.
MRS. WALL: Hello.
HARVEY: Mrs. Wall is gonna do the cleaning for you... (Mary Beth is looking bemused) ...once a week.
MARY BETH: She is?
HARVEY: (to Mrs. Wall) Oh, I didn't tell you about her about you. It was kind of a surprise.
MRS. WALL: (sniggering) Ah ha. ...How many bedrooms?
MARY BETH: Two. There's ours and the kids ...and one bathroom.
MRS. WALL: And no dishwasher?
MARY BETH: No.
HARVEY: I understand you have two days free. Tuesdays is a good day for us.
MRS. WALL: Thursdays! It's the only day I have free, Thursdays!
HARVEY: Thursday. Thursday is a good day for us too. Isn't it, honey?
MARY BETH: Thursday is fine.
HARVEY: (to Mrs. Wall) Er, tomorrow is Thursday. You wanna start next week?
MRS. WALL: No, I'll start tomorrow. Where do you keep your cleaning supplies.
MARY BETH: Oh, er, over here. Right down here we got lots of cleaning things.
MRS. WALL: Oh, no, don't use any of that stuff. Well, if I'm gonna start tomorrow, I've gotta have a few things. Now, is eight o'clock tomorrow morning OK?
MARY BETH: Eight is fine. ..Er, listen, take anything you want from the refrigerator. It's a little old but it still does the job. ...There's some leftover corn beef in there.
MRS. WALL: I'm on a low sodium diet.
MARY BETH: Well, there's eggs then. Tuna?
MRS. WALL: If it's packed in water.
MARY BETH: In water. I'll pick it up for you. (taking the pen and a piece of paper from the pad Mrs. Wall has been putting a list together on) Tuna ...in ...water. (giving the pen back) Thank you. ...Oh, so we'll see you tomorrow then?
MRS. WALL: Yeah. Eight o'clock in the morning. OK?
HARVEY: (Mrs. Wall hands over the list. Harvey escorts her out) Tomorrow. Thursday.
MRS. WALL: Yup.
HARVEY: See ya tomorrow.
MRS. WALL: Yup.
HARVEY: We just hired our first cleaning lady! ...Nice woman! ...You're surprised, right?
MARY BETH: Yeah.
(four men are bringing furniture from the back door of a building. A Commissionaire from the building comes up)
COMMISSIONAIRE: Hold on there.
JOHNNY NOSE: Yeah, what can I do for you?
COMMISSIONAIRE: Look, I checked, Mr. Givens didn't leave a note saying he was expecting anyone.
JOHNNY NOSE: I'm Mr. Givens nephew, Patrick. I guess, with the funeral and all, he forgot. I'd be at the funeral myself only as you know my aunt's taken the death of her father very hard.
(the other three men are standing threateningly around)
COMMISSIONAIRE: Yeah, I know.
JOHNNY NOSE: My uncle asked me to remove all of her father's things.
JOHNNY NOSE: So that when they returned from the funeral the old memories wouldn't be there to remind her.
COMMISSIONAIRE: Well, they didn't tell me.
JOHNNY NOSE: That's why they left me the key and asked that I do this.
COMMISSIONAIRE: I see. Well, if you need any help er,...
JOHNNY NOSE: That's very nice but we'll be out of before the hour.
[Detectives' Squad room]
(the duo are at their desks going through the classified pages of newspapers)
CHRISTINE: Here it is. Charles Givens, beloved father of Mary, Juan and Nancy. Funeral and burial service. (pointing to Mary Beth's paper) It lists today's date. ...Hillside Cemetery, Queens.
MARY BETH: And I got the same thing for the Grady family. The obit listed the time and place of the funeral services.
CHRISTINE: I'm telling ya, these men are maggots. People buy these papers, see who dies and then they rip off the family.
LA GUARDIA: My phone's been ringing off the hook. The newspapers picked up the story that Daniels gave them about the kid and the bicycle. Everybody wants to donate a bike.
SAMUELS: (to Chris) Did you get Uniform to have that report sent over from the first stolen van?
CHRISTINE: I'm working on it.
SAMUELS: That ought to have been on my desk this morning, Cagney! You're spending too much time on this bicycle thing!
CHRISTINE: I'm on it, I'm on it!
SAMUELS: Look, are these people gonna accept any of the bike offers?
MARY BETH: No, she turned 'em all down, sir. She wouldn't even accept one from her mother.
(a uniformed officer comes up and whispers something in Samuel's ear. He picks up the phone)
ISBECKI: Speaking of bikes, there's a sergeant over at one-six who'll take the one we bought off our hands for sixty bucks.
LA GUARDIA: What say we take it. Cut our losses?
PETRIE: (jumping up) What? For sixty bucks, I'll take it.
CHRISTINE: For Lauren.
ISBECKI: Baby ...Lauren?
MARY BETH: Now wait a minute, let me get this straight. You're buying a ten-speed bike for Lauren who's four months old.
PETRIE: Yeah, I've got a lot of storage space.
SAMUELS: (putting down the phone) That was Uniform! Do you hear? Some kid's turned in a velvet-lined box, the kind that you put Jewish silver in. On the outside of the box the family name was engraved, Grady. (to the duo) Now you two go over and pick up that box. See if it belongs to the Gradys. We may be getting close to these guys.
(Jerri Grady is exercising her arms with weights)
CHRISTINE: Hi. We've found your Mom's silver box.
JERRI GRADY: Another great landmark in your brilliant police career. How do you do it?
CHRISTINE: Some kids were playing in the park and they found it. Turned it in.
JERRI GRADY: Very impressive. Maybe someone'll ride my bike right into the station.
CHRISTINE: Well, Lord knows you could have your pick. There've been enough offers.
JERRI GRADY: Well, yeah, maybe I'll take 'em all and hock 'em.
CHRISTINE: You know, you've got a mouth on you, kid.
JERRI GRADY: Makes up for my legs.
CHRISTINE: Now, don't do that. If you wanna play, then let's play fair.
JERRI GRADY: You're not my Grandma. She was the only one that can talk to me like that.
CHRISTINE: She wouldn't let you get away with this crap either.
JERRI GRADY: You know, you talk a lot like her. Must have gone to the same school together.
CHRISTINE: Funny. (moving round to a set of parallel exercise bars) I used to love these things. ...About a hundred years ago.
JERRI GRADY: Right now I hate 'em. ...Maybe I shouldn't expect to get my bike back. If I sit around and mope I'll be like my mother. I'm not gonna settle.
CHRISTINE: Nobody's asking you to! Lord knows, I never did when I was your age. I still don't.
JERRI GRADY: Then you know what I mean.
CHRISTINE: Sure. Listen when you get in your thirties all that coolness and all that armour get a little heavy to carry around. And it becomes more difficult to change even if you wanted to. You know what I mean?
JERRI GRADY: Is this your way of telling me that the New York City Police Department has given up looking for my bike.
CHRISTINE: Nobody is giving up looking for your bike!
JERRI GRADY: The doctor's said that I would ride that bike. ...It's something to shoot for. Understand?
[Corridor outside the Gradys' apartment]
(the duo are walking back to the lift)
MARY BETH: Mrs. Grady says the box silver was custom-made in England by an Aveling Bartels, some kind of big-deal silversmith. That oughta help.
MARY BETH: Are you with me here?
CHRISTINE: Sure I'm with you.
MARY BETH: You haven't been listening all week. I'm carrying a load here.
CHRISTINE: I'm sorry.
MARY BETH: That kid keeps giving you a hard time and you keep coming back for more.
CHRISTINE: Let me tell you something. The kid lost her grandmother. Her own mother is, to all intents and purposes, a basket case. That bike's the one thing she's got that means something to her, Mary Beth. She feels like she's lost everything.
MARY BETH: She hasn't lost everything, Christine. What is happening to her is called grief! She's gotta find her way through it. There's no way you can wave a magic wand and make it all better.
CHRISTINE: She likes me a lot.
MARY BETH: OK. (the lift arrives) We got Bartels jewellers to check out.
CHRISTINE: Let's do it.
(Harvey and the boys are eating at the table)
MICHAEL: What is all that junk?
MARY BETH: This is not junk. These are cleaning supplies.
HARVEY JR.: Oh.
MICHAEL: Same stuff we had under the sink.
MARY BETH: That is not the same. Those are special things requested by the cleaning lady. Now, you finish your breakfast. Oh, Lord! I forgot the plastic garbage bags.
HARVEY: What about the brown paper bags we get from the supermarket? We've gotta whole drawer full of 'em there.
MICHAEL: Two drawers.
MARY BETH: Mrs. Wall requested plastic garbage bags.
HARVEY: She'll live.
MARY BETH: (to Michael) Did you take all those papers off your desk?
MARY BETH: Did you check under the bed for your socks?
MICHAEL: Found three.
HARVEY JR.: We gonna have do the dishes too.
HARVEY: Shut up and eat your breakfast.
[Detectives' Squad room]
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Did you say that was Felix Sperling. ...Right. ...OK. ...Thank you.
(she rings off)
CHRISTINE: That's another one.
MARY BETH: Petrie, we got another one. Apartment burglary only this time the doorman in the building didn't buy their story. He's in Rosendale Hospital with concussion. La Guardia's with him.
PETRIE: Well, that's a new twist. Anything like that in the MO file?
MARY BETH: I don't know. I never had a chance to look at it.
PETRIE: I'll check it out for ya.
MARY BETH: Thank you.
PETRIE: You're welcome.
(Isbecki comes up followed by Daniels)
ISBECKI: Listen. One of my informants told me knows where a lot of stolen bikes have ended up.
CHRISTINE: Oh yeah.
ISBECKI: Yeah, I was telling Lubin this and Peter says maybe he can get some ink on it.
CHRISTINE: (to herself) Dear God.
MARY BETH: Ink? Exactly what do you mean by ink?
DANIELS: Simply that the Press just devoured the last story we gave them on this bike thing. I don't think I'd be overstating it if I'd say we could get front-page Metro-section, maybe even with art, if we can give them a story about you (looking at Cagney) breaking the bike thing. I'd have reporters on the scene.
CHRISTINE: In the first place, Mr. Daniels, we don't even know if the bike is there.
DANIELS: That's not the point. don't you see, it wouldn't make any difference. You would be the angle of the story.
DANIELS: Of course.
CHRISTINE: Oh, I see, you mean like 'Fem Cop Finds Bike for Kid in Wheelchair'
DANIELS: Yeah, Not bad.
CHRISTINE: Go to hell.
SAMUELS: Cagney! Lacey! In here.
MARY BETH: I'm checking Sperling. One minute.
SAMUELS: Will you two, come on!
SAMUELS: What's Lacey doing? Did you brief her on the latest burglary?
CHRISTINE: Yes sir.
SAMUELS: Well, I want the two of you to get over there!
CHRISTINE: The victims were Ron and Ethel Pearlman.
SAMUELS: Yeah, I know that.
CHRISTINE: They were at funeral services for Ron's father when their apartment was burglarised.
SAMUELS: I know! It's in the newspapers. It's in the obituary sections. The time and the place, the whole place.
CHRISTINE: It was not covered through the newspapers. That's my point.
SAMUELS: So we were wrong? The obituary column is not the common link.
CHRISTINE: In the two previous burglaries, the Gradys and the Givens, had different funeral directors but they were both serviced by the same mortician. Felix Sperling.
SAMUELS: And the latest victim, the Pearlmans?
CHRISTINE: Lacey's just checking it right now.
MARY BETH: Funeral director, Stephen Opens and Sons. Mortician, Felix Sperling.
MARY BETH: And one more thing. All three deaths occurred in the house.
SAMUELS: OK. OK. So that means that, in other words, that the mortician would send someone over there to pick up the body and he would case the place. Is that it?
CHRISTINE: That's what we think. Yeah. Yeah.
SAMUELS: And they would all come back and burglarise the place on the day of the funeral.
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
SAMUELS: That's nice. That's nice. Now we're getting some place. You're doing good work, the both of yous.
MARY BETH: Thank you, sir.
(Daniels knocks at the door)
DANIELS: Er, I have to meet Inspector Marquette at a luncheon and I just wanted you to know. I think Detective Cagney is missing an opportunity to do herself and the Department some good.
DANIELS: I think you should get into this, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Well, what was all that about?
CHRISTINE: Isbecki got a tip on a place that sells hot bicycles. This guy wants me to show up there and prance around like some show horse for the Press. I said I'm not gonna do it.
SAMUELS: Why doesn't he use Isbecki?
MARY BETH: He's playing it up as a woman's story, sir.
CHRISTINE: The implications seems to be that women are always sentimental and they never are nor could they ever be... ..Look, I would like to find this kid her bike. This asking too much of me if guys like that turn everything around. I'm off of it.
(Chris stalks out)
MARY BETH: Sir.
(Daniels comes back)
DANIELS: Did you get through to her?
SAMUELS: Didn't you hear what she said? She's not interested, so lay off!
SAMUELS: OK, Squad. Plans have been approved. We're in business. Petrie, get me Daly over at the Medical Examiner's Office. (to the Squad room) When going about this, make sure your uniforms are pressed.
PETRIE: (into phone) Yeah? ...Daly?
SAMUELS: (into phone) Samuels here. Listen, I need a body. ...A fresh one. ...Someone say in their seventies. ..No, no, not days old, hours old. ...The District Attorney'll give you whatever papers you need. ...OK. Thanks.
CHRISTINE: Is there a body?
SAMUELS: Nothing in stock but they'll let us know as soon as one gets in.
MARY BETH: Chris, I do not like the idea of using a real body.
CHRISTINE: The Feds do this all the time. That's how they make cases.
ISBECKI: Listen, I went to the bike place on my own. I didn't find the kid's bike there.
CHRISTINE: Thanks, Isbecki!
ISBECKI: Sorry if I caused you any trouble. I shouldn't have opened my mouth in front of Daniels.
CHRISTINE: It's not your fault. The man is an insensitive son-of-a-...
MARY BETH: Careful.
ISBECKI: Chris, let's face it sensitive guys are few and far in between.
SAMUELS: I'm gonna need some volunteers to go down to the morgue, do the paperwork, sign for the body as soon as it comes in.
MARY BETH: I would prefer not to, sir.
SAMUELS: Why not?!
MARY BETH: Because the corpse is still a person. I think it should be respected.
ISBECKI: Look, if it makes you feel queasy, I'll go.
MARY BETH: It doesn't make me queasy, Victor. I think it's disrespectful.
ISBECKI: I'll go anyway.
CHRISTINE: (after Isbecki is out earshot) Mr. Sensitive.
(Mary Beth has just come in)
MRS. WALL: Who's there!
(Mary Beth jumps)
MARY BETH: It's me, Mrs. Wall.
(as she comes into the kitchen she slips on the floor)
MARY BETH: It's the Floor-o-glass.
MRS. WALL: Oh, all right, come in. ...This floor, it's got so many spots on it that don't come out using bleaches or steel wool. Use the new linoleum.
MARY BETH: Yeah, it's an old floor.
(she takes her shoes off and tiptoes carefully across the kitchen)
MARY BETH: It's almost as old as the refrigerator.
(Mary Beth has got out a black dress. She bumps into Mrs. Wall using the Hoover)
MARY BETH: Excuse me. I'm sorry. ...I don't usually come home in the middle of the day but I've gotta change clothes.
MRS. WALL: Ah ha. While you get dressed I'll work in another room.
MARY BETH: It's all right. It's fine. You go ahead with your work. ...That's my service revolver. I'm a detective with the Police Department. ...My badge.
MRS. WALL: I don't like guns.
MARY BETH: Well, it's just part of my work. ...Tool of the trade. Excuse me.
(she goes out with the dress to get changed)
MARY BETH [OC]: Oh this is great in here!
MRS. WALL: I never did in there!
[103 West 8th Street apartment]
CHRISTINE: (picking up a silver cup) I love sterling, don't you?
MARY BETH: What is taking them so long, Christine?
CHRISTINE: Relax, they'll be here.
MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) Petrie, any sign of them yet?
PETRIE: (on walkie-talkie) Negative.
MARY BETH: This was a mistake. We should not have placed the call to the funeral director until we had a body. Now we got a mortician's helper on his way and no body to give him!
CHRISTINE: Won't you calm down. Isbecki's probably stuck in traffic. ...This is going well. You're looking very bereaved.
MARY BETH: That's another thing. How come I have to be the bereaved niece and you get to be the neighbour.
CHRISTINE: It's because you're so good at it! ...Besides I don't have a black dress.
MARY BETH: What about that one you wore to Janet Kurtzel's wedding?
CHRISTINE: It's strapless.
PETRIE: (on walkie-talkie) Isbecki and La Guardia are on their way up.
MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) Ten-four. Thank you!
(the duo goes to the door)
CHRISTINE: I wonder what he looks like.
MARY BETH: I don't care what he looks like. I don't want to look at him.
CHRISTINE: Oh, come on, aren't you taking this a teeny bit serious?
MARY BETH: No, I am not.
(Isbecki and La Guardia wheel the body in)
MARY BETH: About time.
CHRISTINE: Come on, Isbecki. Did you get stuck in traffic?
LA GURDIA: It was murder. I told him not to take Sixth Avenue.
ISBECKI: That's not why we're late. (pointing to the body) Uncle Charlie, here, has nothing but his bathrobe on. We had to stop and buy pyjamas. (holding up the jacket) What do you think?
CHRISTINE: Very nice.
MARY BETH: Would you two hurry up and get out of here because they'll be here any minute.
ISBECKI: (to Mary Beth, handing her the jacket) Why don't you help me to get his pyjamas on and get him into bed.
(she throws the jacket back at him)
MARY BETH: First bedroom on the right!
LA GURDIA: Those are good looking pyjamas. How much did they cost?
CHRISTINE: I didn't know Isbecki had a Uncle Charlie.
PETRIE: (on walkie-talkie) There are two of them on their way up. ...Lacey, are you there. Two on their way up. Lacey, do you read me?
MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) Ten-four. We are set.
(she hides the radio in a drawer. The doorbell goes. Two of the gang, Moe and Jimmy, dressed in dark suits are there)
MOE: Mrs. McKenzie?
MARY BETH: (tearfully) Yes.
MOE: Jon Trainor. Stephen Opens and Sons has authorised me to pick up the remains of the deceased.
MARY BETH: Oh, yes, come in.
MOE: Thank you.
MARY BETH: They told me to expect Mr. Sperling.
MOE: Yes, I work for him.
(Mary Beth is wiping her eyes with a big white handkerchief)
MOE: My sympathies.
MARY BETH: Thank you. he's in the first bedroom on the right.
(Jimmy goes to the bedroom)
MARY BETH: The doctor told me you wanted the death certificate.
MOE: I'll pass that along. I'll need your signature.
MARY BETH: Oh, yes, thank you.
(while Mary Beth sits and signs the form. Moe stands looking round the well-appointed room. The doorbell goes)
MARY BETH: Oh. (handing him the form) Excuse me.
(she answers the door)
CHRISTINE: Oh, my God, I just heard (comforting Mary Beth) I am so sorry.
MARY BETH: Yes, well, what can you do when they pass away in the middle of the night.
CHRISTINE: How's your husband taking this?
MARY BETH: As well as can be expected under the circumstances. He's with his sister. (breaking out crying as the body is wheeled out) He wanted to break the news to her.
CHRISTINE: Oh, now, now, Mary Beth. Have you made the funeral arrangements?
MARY BETH: Yes. The day after tomorrow.
CHRISTINE: So soon!
MARY BETH: Yes. It's the way that Uncle Charlie wanted it. 'The sooner the better' he always said. It's Holy Cross Cemetery in Brooklyn. Eleven o'clock. And there's a mass at nine-thirty in the... ...before.
CHRISTINE: You know I'll be there.
MOE: Would you like me to take any of his clothes? A suit? A tuxedo, perhaps.
(Mary Beth, non-plussed, begins to cry)
CHRISTINE: Maybe. maybe. (to Mary Beth) Why don't you talk to the funeral director later?
MARY BETH: Later. Later would be good. Later is better because I'd like to talk to my husband first.
MOE: Of course. No problem.
(Chris follows Moe to the door)
CHRISTINE: Thank you very much. Good-bye.
CHRISTINE/MARY BETH: We did it!
MARY BETH: What? 'So soon'.
MARY BETH: Do you wanna blow the whole thing.
CHRISTINE: Come on, I was terrific. You're the one who almost blew it.
MARY BETH: That's debatable.
CHRISTINE: So you think they're gonna rip this place off?
MARY BETH: Yes, I do.
CHRISTINE: We're gonna get that kid back the bike.
MARY BETH: I thought you weren't interested anymore.
CHRISTINE: I'm not.
MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) Petrie, we're in business. They're on their way down.
(Harvey is pouring champagne)
MARY BETH [OC]: Honey, you all set?
HARVEY: Yo. Ready.
(Mary Beth comes in in her nightdress and produces a basket from behind her back)
MARY BETH: OK. Now. For Harvey Lacey, master builder, for the successful and heavy-schedule completion of Noreen's Boutique.
(Harvey digs into the basket)
MARY BETH: Careful, they're hot.
HARVEY: Oh! Ah! You're cookies never tasted so good. ...Where did you come up with the idea?
MARY BETH: Christine. Let me have a bit.
HARVEY: (pointing to the champagne) Where did you get this? It's French, huh?
MARY BETH: Mm hm. For you, why not? ...Honey, you remember last year, when you and the kids gave me a straw chocolate box on Mother's Day?
MARY BETH: The one with the embroidered rose on it?
MARY BETH: That's the one. You remember I was feeling kinda funny about returning it because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
HARVEY: No, it was just nice food. You didn't hurt my feelings.
MARY BETH: Well, you said you were disappointed.
HARVEY: I was a little but I wasn't hurt.
MARY BETH: It's the thought that counts, eh?
HARVEY: Yeah, it's in the giving, that's what it is!
MARY BETH: I fired the maid today.
(Harvey looks up at her)
MARY BETH: Well, it wasn't working out. I mean the kitchen's really sparkling and all, but between getting ready for her and fixing things the way I like them after. Well, it wasn't saving me any time. ...I don't think that I have the right temperament for domestic help.
(Harvey has been nodding while Mary Beth speaks. He sighs)
HARVEY: And you work so hard. And now that I'm doing better finally, I just wanted to make things easier for ya, that's all.
MARY BETH: You mad?
HARVEY: I'm not mad.
MARY BETH: You're disappointed?
HARVEY: Ah, ah.
MARY BETH: You hurt?
HARVEY: No....More champagne?
MARY BETH: No.
(they kiss, laughing)
[West 8th Street]
(a Northside Storage Co. truck pulls up outside No. 103. One of the gang with long hair and a bandana approaches La Guardia who is dressed as a commissionaire)
LA GUARDIA: Well, nobody told me anything.
LONG HAIR: I guess what with the confusion of the funeral they forgot. My boss told me that Mr. McGinty wanted his uncle's things removed because the memory would be too painful. He left the key.
LA GUARDIA: It's apartment nine A.
LONG HAIR: Yeah. Thanks.
LA GUARDIA: (into walkie-talkie) They're on the way up. Do you read.
CHRISTINE: (into walkie-talkie) We read. ten-four.
(Petrie and Isbecki are in another car listening. Chris gets out and goes across to the truck and puts a transmitter underneath it)
CHRISTINE: (into walkie-talkie) The transmitter is in place. Are you getting anything?
PETRIE: (into walkie-talkie) Works like a charm.
MARY BETH: (into radio) The whole thing's in progress right now, sir.
SAMUELS: (into phone) All right, Lacey, take it easy. You can reach me on my car radio.
[West 8th Street]
(the truck shutter is back down. The longhaired man and the other men come out)
LONG HAIR: (giving La Guardia a bunch of notes) There you are.
LA GUARDIA: Thank you.
LONG HAIR: You're welcome.
(the truck pulls away. The Squad cars follow. Eventually they arrive in a rundown industrial area. The truck pulls up at a small warehouse. Samuels has joined them)
MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) We move in as soon as the doors are open.
ISBECKI: Let's try and get in at the same time. There's only four of us.
SAMUELS: (into walkie-talkie) Correction. Five of us. I've got some Uniform backup. I don't wanna blow this.
(the truck begins to move into the warehouse)
MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) Go!
(the four cars drive into the warehouse and surround the truck)
MARY BETH: Freeze! Police!
CHRISTINE: Hold it right there!
(they get the gang out of the truck and restrain them)
CHRISTINE: OK. Line up. How many in the truck?
ISBECKI: Keep them covered. I'll check the bins.
SAMUELS: Isbecki, look over there.
ISBECKI: I wanna see all your merchandise. Do you understand?
PETRIE: What I'm looking for, it's got two wheels. I gotta find it.
MARY BETH: I don't see it, Chris. It's not here.
(Chris has the longhaired man against the front of the truck. She gets hold of his hair. It's a wig. It's Jimmy)
CHRISTINE: What? Did you get it off a client?
JIMMY: Look. It's over. You've got us.
CHRISTINE: Where is the rest of the stuff? You show me!
JIMMY: What is it you want?
SAMUELS: A girl's red bike.
JIMMY: Ah. We ain't got it. That stuff goes ...fast.
(Chris goes and sits in the car)
MARY BETH: You all right?
[Detectives' Squad room]
(Jerri Grady comes in. The detectives gather round her)
JERRI GRADY: My Mother's been checking her things.
CHRISTINE: How is she?
JERRI GRADY: She's happy. Nearly all the family silver's been recovered. It means a lot to her.
CHRISTINE: We were hoping we'd be able to recover your bike as well. The truth is we are never gonna find it. It's gone. It's probably been repainted or is shipped off to another state for all we know. We tried, Jerri.
JERRI GRADY: Is that why you asked me here?
CHRISTINE: That. And we'd like to offer you another bike.
MARY BETH: This came in this morning. It's from a dealer in Jersey, A. Brockman. 'Brockman Cycles for Amateurs in Jersey'.
CHRISTINE: He's even thrown in a warranty.
ISBECKI: Good for two years. Anything goes wrong with the bike, he'll fix it.
JERRI GRADY: You guys must be reading my mind. (stroking the handlebars) All I do at home is exercise. I need a bike around. Give me something...
CHRISTINE: Something to shoot for.
JERRI GRADY: Yeah.
MARY BETH: Well, you can't have a bike without bullhorn.
(Jerri toots the horn. Everybody smiles)
CHRISTINE: (Jerri is looking at the bike) They say it's very fast. You'll let us know, huh?
JERRI GRADY: Yeah, I will. ...Thanks.
CHRISTINE: Victor, do you wanna help the young lady?
(Jerri turns her wheelchair and he rides the bike out after her)
SAMUELS: So, what do you think? Today's a holiday? Come on, haven't you got some work to do?