Better Than Equal
(with Meg Foster as Cagney)
Original Airdate: April 29, 1982

[Detectives' Squad room]

ISBECKI: Open up.
(Isbecki gets a uniformed officer to let a suspect out of the holding cell and cuffs him)
ISBECKI: (to the suspect) You know the routine. ...Please take a seat.
(he sits him down beside La Guardia's desk)
LA GUARDIA: So what time was it when it happened?
SUSPECT: How many times have I gotta tell you, you got the wrong guy.
LA GUARDIA: We don't have all the kinks out the system yet.
SUSPECT: Look, I gotta go to the john or is that a Federal offence?
LA GUARDIA: On your feet.

[Men's room]

(as La Guardia releases the suspect from the cuffs he turns and knocks out La Guardia with a couple of blows. He peeps out and spies a gun hanging in a holster and comes out and grabs it)

[Precinct front desk office]

SUSPECT: (to Petrie and Isbecki) Don't move now! I'll blow your head off! Everyone freeze! ...Now!
(as Coleman behind the Sergeant's Desk goes for his gun the suspect lets off a shot at him)
SUSPECT: I said freeze! Are you deaf! I said freeze! Freeze! Get those hands up!
(he sees Petrie and Isbecki look as if they are going to make a move and lets a couple of wild shots off)
SUSPECT: I wanna a car, gas and money. Now!
(Samuels is at the bottom of the stairs)
SAMUELS: OK. Take it easy. We'll take care of this.
(just then the suspect is distracted by a groggy La Guardia coming out the Men's room)
SUSPECT: (to La Guardia) Hold it!
(Isbecki makes a flying leap and pins the suspect to the floor. Petrie and Isbecki cart the still protesting suspect back upstairs to the holding cell. The duo comes down the stairs)
CHRISTINE: (to Samuels) What happened?
SAMUELS: He wanted a car with a tank full of gas.
MARY BETH: Unleaded.
SAMUELS: You two got an assignment. You're in charge of security for Helen Granger. She arrives tomorrow.
MARY BETH: The Helen Granger who's been bum-rapping the equal rights amendments.
SAMUELS: That's the one.

[TV studio set]

INTERVIEWER: Well, how do you feel about the enemies you have made because of your conservative stand on these issues?
HELEN GRANGER: Well, I suppose it can't be helped, er, besides it's not as if I'm running for political office.
INTERVIEWER: Nothing you do would surprise me.
HELEN GRANGER: Ha, ha, ha. I'm going to take that as a compliment.
(the duo is watching the interview being televised)
INTERVIEWER: Mrs. Granger, as a leading figure in the anti-feminist movement, haven't you acquired a great deal of power for someone who would like us to think of her as just another wife and mother?
HELEN GRANGER: I don't think of it as power. I think of it as support for my beliefs.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, and, what exactly are the beliefs?
HELEN GRANGER: That every American woman has the right to lead a full-time life without being forced to work outside the home.
INTERVIEWER: Well...
(the interview continues)
MARY BETH: I can't believe I'm doing this.
INTERVIEWER: ...There are an awful lot of women out there...
MARY BETH: I could be out finding Harvey an anniversary present.
INTERVIEWER: ...and their children...
CHRISTINE: Helen would enjoy that.
HELEN GRANGER: ...awful lot of women who think about going out to work and competing with men. I can't imagine why any woman would want to give up her freedom and become imprisoned by men...
(this causes laughter from the male members of the studio crew)
HELEN GRANGER: (shouts across the set to the crew) It's right boys, you don't know it but you're in much worse shape than we are!
CHRISTINE: I think my lunch is coming up.
INTERVIEWER: ...talking about about economics here.
HELEN GRANGER: I'm talking about freedom.
INTERVIEWER: Economic freedom?
HELEN GRANGER: What about the economic freedom of men whose jobs have been taken over by women?
CHRISTINE: Where does she get the lay of life?
INTERVIEWER: Now let's be fair. I think this would be the time to read the equal rights amendment. What do you think?

[Helen Granger's apartment]

(Mike Walker is watching the Helen Granger interview. He is eating something whilst wearing gloves. On top of the television are a photograph of Helen Granger and a vase of flowers. He adds a decorated cut-glass urn)

[TV studio set]

INTERVIEWER: Thank you very much Mrs. Helen Granger for being here today.
HELEN GRANGER: I've loved every minute. Thank you so much.
MARY BETH: After we meet her I'm not going to say anything. I'm afraid what might come out of my mouth.
INTERVIEWER: You were wonderful.
HELEN GRANGER: Thanks again.
INTERVIEWER: Watch your step.
HELEN GRANGER: (to the interviewer as he helps her off the stage) Thank you. (to a production assistant handing her coat to her) Thanks.
MARY BETH: Mrs. Granger.
HELEN GRANGER: Yes.
MARY BETH: I'm Detective Lacey, NYPD, this is Detective Cagney.
CHRISTINE: How do you do?
HELEN GRANGER: What can I do for you?
CHRISTINE: We've been assigned to protect you.
HELEN GRANGER: But I requested police protection because a man...
CHRISTINE: We know, ma'am. We're... The limousine's waiting outside.

[Limousine]

CHRISTINE: Something tells me your uncomfortable, Mrs. Granger.
HELEN GRANGER: Uncomfortable?
CHRISTINE: With us being your security. Maybe you'd feel safer with a couple of guys.
HELEN GRANGER: Rather than, er, policepersons? I wont deny it.
MARY BETH: Do you mind if I smoke? If I don't have this one little puff, I'm gonna die.
HELEN GRANGER: Oh, go ahead but, er, (pointing to Mary Beth's cigarette) it's the other way round, isn't it? ...Well, since you seem to be it for the moment, I guess I'd better fill you in on what's been happening to me.
CHRISTINE: You left on a lecture tour three weeks ago yesterday. Approximately two days after you left you began receiving telephone calls of an obscene nature. (referring from her notebook) The first call came after your initial appearance at Cornell. The second one in Utica, then Syracuse... You then became concerned and, er, contacted police departments in each and every city that you were speaking. Albany, Rochester,.... They attempted to trace the calls but weren't successful in doing so. And last night was the final, er, engagement of your tour, at Princeton, and this morning you boarded a helicopter for New York, Mrs. Granger.
MARY BETH: Did you enjoy the ride in this limo from the airport to the TV studio?
(Helen Granger, seemingly annoyed, pulls her coat around her and does not respond)

[Helen Granger's apartment]

(the duo escorts Mrs. Granger in)
CHRISTINE: Nice place.
HELEN GRANGER: It's just a convenience. My real home is in Connecticut?
(the telephone goes)
HELEN GRANGER: (into phone) Hello.

[Telephone box]

MIKE WALKER: (into phone) Hello, Helen.

[Helen Granger's apartment]

HELEN GRANGER: (into phone) What present? What are you talking about?
(she puts the phone down)
HELEN GRANGER: It was him again.
CHRISTINE: Take it easy, you said something about a present.
HELEN GRANGER: I don't know what he's talking about.
(she spots the display on top of the television)
HELEN GRANGER: He was here, ...In my apartment. ...(indicating the urn) He left that!
CHRISTINE: Don't touch anything.
MARY BETH: I'm gonna check the rest of the place.
CHRISTINE: We'll get a forensic team up here. Find out how he got in. ...Until now it's just been phone calls. Is that right Mrs. Granger?
HELEN GRANGER: (looking at the urn) What does he want?
(Mary Beth comes back)
MARY BETH: Mrs. Granger, could you step in here please?

[Bedroom]

(the room is decorated with bows and ribbons and Helen Granger's clothes are scattered all over the bed. Outside Helen Granger's apartment block Mike Walker is watching with binoculars. He can see her until she closes the blind)

[Precinct front desk office]

(a uniformed officer escorts in a turbaned man in full Indian dress)
TURBANNED MAN: I have never been so humiliated in my whole life. Never! (he hammers on the Sergeant's Desk) Hey! Excuse me, where is Danka?
COLEMAN: Settle down, settle down.
TURBANNED MAN: But I tell you I was minding my own business.
COLEMAN: (to the officer, referring to the form the officer has given him) Three-oh-four, public nuisance.
TURBANNED MAN: My dear fellow, this is a free country. You do remember Abraham Lincoln, don't you, huh?
COLEMAN: Is that the tall fellow with the beard?
TURBANNED MAN: Yes.
COLEMAN: Yeah, I used to go out with his sister.
TURBANNED MAN: But I bring him here legally. I told the policeman, I have the papers.
COLEMAN: I don't care if you've got his grandfather's birth certificate. It is against the law to take a python or other poisonous reptile on a subway.
TURBANNED MAN: Ah! Danka is not poisonous!
(the officer drags him off)

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Isbecki has a wastepaper basket with brown paper envelope over it)
ISBECKI: Look, do you know what I found to check in?
SAMUELS: Yeah, yeah, what?
ISBECKI: I've got something that's gonna make the hairs on your head stand up. It's gonna turn white.
SAMUELS: Yeah, so what is it?
ISBECKI: Here we go.
(Isbecki takes the envelope off to reveal the python. Isbecki laughs. Samuels forces a smile)
SAMUELS: Yeah, that' was a great gag, that was.
ISBECKI: It's cute even if I say it myself..
SAMUELS: Yeah, great gag.

[Precinct staircase]

MARY BETH: What should I get Harve for our anniversary.
CHRISTINE: Whatever turns him on.
MARY BETH: Like what?
CHRISTINE: A see-through black negligee.
MARY BETH: Christine! ...I could get him a meerschaum.
CHRISTINE: Mary Beth, you can't get a dog that size in such a tiny apartment.
MARY BETH: A meerschaum's a pipe not a dog.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: Hi ya, men. ...
ISBECKI: Hi!
MARY BETH: Geeze, it's like a graveyard around here.
ISBECKI: Hey, do you girls wanna see something really cute?
(he shows them the python)
ISBECKI: We just found this little sweet bugger in the subway.
(Chris puts her hand in to the wastepaper basket)
CHRISTINE: Ooh, it's a nice little snake. Look at you, aren't you pretty as a dog, all curled up there for a nice nap, aren't you? (she looks up into Isbecki' face) He's real alive and real and sassy. Sassy!
ISBECKI: OK, so what's happening with your big, obscene phone calls caper?
CHRISTINE: Hey, hold your horses, cowboy! If it was a man that was receiving those threats you'd be an endangered species. Right?! But since it's a woman, she's an erotic ready for...
ISBECKI: Relax! Who said anything about being erotic? So the Granger woman may be on the Carson show. She's an OK broad.
MARY BETH: Why! Because she thinks if a woman isn't in the sack she should me making a pogrom.
ISBECKI: What's wrong with that?
CHRISTINE: Nothing! Not if you'd like Gola to become a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.
SAMUELS: Will you two get off each other's case. Lacey, come on, you got a report for me or what?
MARY BETH: Yeah, the guy's a real psycho. He gets all fun tearing Granger's underwear, you know. Forensics found nothing.
SAMUELS: Well, let's send a telephone trace team down there.
CHRISTINE: We already arranged for that.
SAMUELS: Good. Who's covering?
CHRISTINE: Davis and Velazquez are on it.
MARY BETH: She's scheduled to speak tomorrow at the Village Auditorium and she has been advised that it would be wise to arrange protection.
CHRISTINE: (looking at her watch) We're gonna miss the fight.
(Chris, Isbecki and Samuels rush to the television)
BOXING COMMENTATOR: Well fans, here we are at the beginning of round number two and this match will dominate the field...
(they watch the fight intently. Isbecki and Samuels mirroring the punches)
SAMUELS: Ooh! What a jab!
ISBECKI: When is he gonna punch with an upper cut?
SAMUELS: He'll never go the distance.
ISBECKI: I say he'll go to ten. No knockout.
SAMUELS: You're on.
LA GUARDIA: (coming in) What round is it?
ISBECKI: The second.
SAMUELS: This boy's holding his own.
PETRIE: (shouts across the office) Hey, Isbecki, you know Luke the Loop was their first collar. Cagney and Lacey. That was over the twenty-third. Right!
CHRISTINE: Yup.
PETRIE: (about the fight) You're collar? You're kidding! You must be putting me on!
SAMUELS: That's right. They started his career. They had to bust him otherwise he would never be on the national TV network.
ISBECKI: (to Chris) Hey, sweetness, I've got a newfound respect.
(the telephone goes)
LA GUARDIA: (into phone) Detective La Guardia, Fourteenth Precinct. ...Hey, just a moment. (to Samuels) Lieutenant. ...Lieutenant, Helen Granger. She wants to talk to the man in charge.
SAMUELS: Well, give her Cagney or Lacey, will ya. It's their case.
LA GUARDIA: Lieutenant, she wants to talk to the man in charge.
SAMUELS: Cagney, will you take the call? (to La Guardia) Tell her.. Tell the woman she's got the best in the department on the case so leave me alone.
CHRISTINE: Watch his right! Look, watch his right!
SAMUELS: (shouts) Cagney, will you take the call!! (as Chris gets up) Cagney, I can't see the screen. Can't you move? ... Come on! Hit him! Hit him!
CHRISTINE: Yeah!!!.
(Chris goes to her desk and picks up the phone)
MARY BETH: He's deserves a point for backing us.
CHRISTINE: You know why he's backing us. He just didn't wanna miss the fight.
MARY BETH: I'll take it any way I can get it. Get back to the bloodbath. I'll take the call.
CHRISTINE: I owe you one.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Detective Lacey. ...Yes ma'am. ...I see. When was that? ...Well ma'am, I think my superior would advise you to cancel.
(in the fight one of the boxers is knocked down)
SAMUELS: He's not getting up.
ISBECKI: Come on. Up, up, up.
SAMUELS: He's never getting up!
(Isbecki switches off the TV)
CHRISTINE: He really landed his best punch.
(Isbecki pays Samuels)
LA GUARDIA: Boxing is the only so-called sport where one player tries to do irreversible harm to another.
CHRISTINE: What do you know about boxing, La Guardia?
ISBECKI: What do you know about boxing, Cagney?
CHRISTINE: Well, it's an art. To me boxing is an art. It's the art of attack and defence using your fists that is practised as a sport. Been around for, er, almost as long as five thousand years. It began in... It originated in Samaria.
PETRIE: Samaria?
CHRISTINE: Samaria, yeah, which is now Iraq. From Iraq it spread down and went across...
ISBECKI: OK, OK, OK. So you know about boxing.
MARY BETH: (into phone) Thank you.
(she rings off)
MARY BETH: Lieutenant, that fan of Helen Granger's who's been following her on the lecture circuit. He called her again. He added a little something.
SAMUELS: Like what?
MARY BETH: He said he's gonna kill her.
SAMUELS: All right, get her back on the phone and tell her this department advises against her doing her lecture thing tomorrow.
MARY BETH: She has been so advised.
SAMUELS: And she's not about to take the advice, right?
MARY BETH: Right.
SAMUELS: OK. When she doing the lecture?
CHRISTINE [OC]: Tomorrow at four.
SAMUELS: La Guardia. You and Isbecki go on over to Granger's place tomorrow morning and stick with her the whole day, right. Cagney, you and Lacey, go on over to that auditorium and take a peek.
MARY BETH: I'd better call Harve.

[Laceys' kitchen]

(the phone goes)
MICHAEL: (into phone) Hello.
HARVEY [OC]: Who is it, Mike?
MICHAEL: (into phone) Hi Mum, here's Dad.
HARVEY: (into phone) Hi ya , honey. ...Yeah, they did their homework. ...Er, Just a quart of milk and some money. ...Yeah, OK, me too. All right, see you. (to Harvey Jr.) What did ya get for Mumma? (to Michael) Hey, Mike! Mike, what are you doing?
(Michael is taking a see-through black negligee out of a box)
MICHAEL: I was just seeing what you were getting her.
HARVEY: Oh, man, man. The sales lady, she folded it perfect.
MICHAEL: I was just looking.
HARVEY JR: Now we gotta fold it up again, right?
MICHAEL: What is it?
HARVEY JR: PJs, can't you see?
MICHAEL: It doesn't look like PJs to me.
HARVEY: A pair of PJs.
MICHAEL: Are they what mum wanted for her wedding anniversary?
HARVEY JR: It's the thought that counts, isn't that right, Dad?
HARVEY: That's right. And it's a surprise, eh? So don't say anything, OK? They're a secret between us guys.
(Harvey Jr. nods. Michael smiles)
HARVEY: Eh? OK.

[Outside the Pavilion Auditorium]

MARY BETH: Hey, you know how much they want for a the pipe and tobacco set-up? You know, that works with the pipe and tobacco humidor? ...Two hundred and sixty-nine dollars.
CHRISTINE: It's your twelfth anniversary and he's gonna love you for it.
MARY BETH: He's gonna love me for getting it for him, but kill me for spending the money.
(the duo stops as they see the stage door. Chris nods and they go in)

[Pavilion Auditorium theatre]

(Mike Walker is on a ladder spraying a slogan on the Helen Granger banner over the stage. The duo approaches quietly)
MARY BETH: Hey, what ya doing?!
(Mike Walker jumps down onto the stage and runs through the curtains. The duo pursues him backstage. He has climbed up and cuts a rope in the fly system to drop a background piece of scenery down onto the duo. Chris manages to hold it briefly but Mary Beth gets out having been hit on the head. Chris is checking Mary Beth is OK when Mike Walker comes down and makes a run for it)
MARY BETH: There he goes!
CHRISTINE: Where?
MARY BETH: Go!
(they pursue him into one of the theatre stairwells where they can only hear some cats. They go backstage again and hear a sound. Chris tries a couple of control panels and brings on the lights)

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (into phone) Look, Mrs. Granger, we went to check out the auditorium and he was there but he got away. We think that you would be taking a very great risk...

[Helen Granger's apartment]

CHRISTINE: (on phone) ...to go back there tomorrow.
HELEN GRANGER: In other words I'm supposed to give up my work because of your incompetence.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (into phone) We''ll have better luck next time.
(Helen Granger has rung off)
CHRISTINE: How do you like that. Do you know what she said?
MARY BETH: What?
CHRISTINE: She thinks we're in the wrong profession.
MARY BETH: Yeah. I think maybe she's in the wrong gender.
(Samuels has just come in)
PETRIE: You pair are sure touchy about that woman.
CHRISTINE: How would you feel if you was fighting against the Klu Klux Klan?
PETRIE: I might have to leave my gun at home.
SAMUELS: Cagney! Lacey! Do you know who that was? That was Helen Granger. Do you know what she wants? She wants you two off the case.
MARY BETH: Fine, she wants us off. We're off the case!
SAMUELS: Hold it a second, Helen Granger does not set the assignments here. I set the assignments here! I do!
CHRISTINE: Are we off the Granger case or not?
SAMUELS: I don't get it. What is your beef with her!
CHRISTINE: You wouldn't understand.
SAMUELS: Oh, what do you mean, I wouldn't understand? Try me!
CHRISTINE/MARY BETH: (together) Equality!/Economics!
SAMUELS: It's that Gloria Steinem feminism stuff. Right?! Well, Come on, come on, explain it to me. I wanna know!
MARY BETH: Men will not be truly liberated until women are. But Helen Granger doesn't want women to be liberated because she thinks men should take care of women.
SAMUELS: I don't get it!
LA GUARDIA: It's simple. Helen Granger says women are already better than equal under the law. They don't have to serve in the army. They don't pay alimony. Its stuff like that.
SAMUELS: How come you know that? You're single.
LA GUARDIA: You never know.
ISBECKI: If you ask me it's all bull.
CHRISTINE: Its bull. It's bull. Why do you always come on like that, Isbecki?
ISBECKI: It comes natural.
MARY BETH: Petrie, Do you have an opinion? The constitution of the United States said that all men are created equal. Right?
PETRIE: Right.
MARY BETH: And they didn't live up to it. ...So they put in an amendment about black men. (to Petrie) And you're gonna have a kid.
PETRIE: Right.
MARY BETH: If you have a girl don't you want her to be equal under the law.
PETRIE: Of course I do.
MARY BETH: I rest.
SAMUELS: Come to think of it, Thelma had a job once.
MARY BETH: Oh yeah.
SAMUELS: Yes, We needed a little extra money. We were young. Just starting out. Might have been the happiest...
MARY BETH: So , what happened?
SAMUELS: So, when I was finally well situated, I made her quit.
MARY BETH: Good night.
SAMUELS: Lacey. Cagney. Hold it a minute. Hold it a minute. Hold it a minute, I got a message for you from Captain Hightower.
CHRISTINE: Hightower?
SAMUELS: You remember him, Public Relations, NYPD. Mm? Well, he wants you to call Peter Stuyvant, sports writer. Stuyvant wants to talk to you two about your favourite fighter, Luke Powell.
MARY BETH: Ah. Sir, what we have to say about Luke Powell, Peter Stuyvant would not be allowed to print.
SAMUELS: Well, maybe not, but Stuyvant's been making a lot of noises about parole for Powell, so he wants the input. So remember the image of NYPD, and be like you always are girls. Nice.

[Laceys' kitchen]

HARVEY: So, Pete Stuyvant came to see ya, huh?
MARY BETH: Aha.
HARVEY: Is he gonna put you in his column?
MARY BETH: Oh, I doubt it. He's pushing to get Luke Powell paroled. We're against it.
HARVEY: Luke Powell's a good fighter. How long's he been up the river?
MARY BETH: Harvey, nobody stays up the river anymore. But I'll tell ya something. Up the river is exactly where Luke Powell belongs. Mean. That was one hostile guy. Out of control, you know. Raised like that. It's like ...insane. He's a killer.
HARVEY: All right, all right. But it takes 'em time to cool off. How long's he been up there? Six... seven years.
MARY BETH: Oh, sure! Great! Who's always saying 'Longer sentences. Throw the book at 'em.' You're Mr. Laurel and Hardy when it comes to some joker but all of a sudden says go 'Go easy on 'em.' But when the spotlight comes on the them. I'm not only talking about Luke Powell.
HARVEY: Hey! Come on! get off your soapbox, will ya? Maybe the guy's turned around, huh? Maybe he hasn't, but in case he has, don't you think he rates a shot?
MARY BETH: Everyone's entitled to a shot, Harve.
HARVEY: You bet!
MARY BETH: Harvey, do you ever get the feeling that sometimes I'm screwing up real bad.
HARVEY: What are you talking about?
MARY BETH: I'm a cop and you're chopping onions.
HARVEY: So?
MARY BETH: So according to Helen Granger I should be chopping the onions and...
HARVEY: ...I should be up on a skyscraper catching rivets, eh? I can live with it. Didn't work out that way did it? So what are we gonna do? Break up our lousy marriage.
MARY BETH: Harvey, do you that think I would be crazy for you if all of a sudden you went completely bald?
HARVEY: I don't know.
MARY BETH: You know, someday, Helen Granger is gonna run for President of the United States. ...If she does, would you vote for her?
HARVEY: Hey, hey, that screwball who thinks a woman's place is in the home, eh. You gotta admit it's a gutsy position. Hey. (he gives her a kiss) Tomorrow night, in case you forgot our anniversary...
MARY BETH: Tomorrow?
HARVEY: Got reservations at The Shamrock.
MARY BETH: I don't know, Harve, tomorrow I'm supposed to bust the entire Mafia.
HARVEY: Get out of my kitchen!
(he pushes her off the work surface where she had come to perch and she goes off giggling)

[Squad car]

CHRISTINE: How long to go? ...An hour and a half? ...Two hours?
MARY BETH: Just about. ....Do you think Harve would like a leather-bound edition of Mark Twain? ...No. No, he'd let the kids look at it. They'd get peanut butter and jelly all over it. Harve came up with this stuff in the middle the night. Powell's parole was a lousy idea. ...Jogging suit.
CHRISTINE: Jogging suit? Harve?
MARY BETH: Well, it's better in the middle of the night.
CHRISTINE: That's my girl.

[Helen Granger's apartment]

(Isbecki and La Guardia are there. The phone goes)
HELEN GRANGER: (into phone) Hello.
(Helen Granger looks alarmed. Isbecki and La Guardia pick up the tracing phones. The trace team go into action and Isbecki gives her the nod)
HELEN GRANGER: (into phone) Tell me why you're calling? ...What do you want from me? What do you want to say to me? ...Are you lonely?
LA GUARDIA: Come on, come on.
HELEN GRANGER: Where are you? ...Where do you live?!
LA GUARDIA: Come on.
HELEN GRANGER: Tell me something about yourself. ...Do you go to school?
LA GUARDIA: (into walkie-talkie) I4th and Broadway, subway corner.

[Squad car]

(Chris starts the car. Mary Beth puts the red light on the roof)

[14th and Broadway corner]

(they arrive to find the phone hanging off the hook in a booth. Chris approaches a hot dog vendor, Aparicio. In the next booth a man rings off and leaves. He has a very false-looking moustache, dark glasses and a floppy hat)
CHRISTINE: (to the vendor) About five minutes ago a call was made from that phone booth. Did you get a look at the caller?
APARICIO: No, well I was busy with a customer, you know. I wouldn't even notice the guy at all except that he, er, ran out of that phone booth so fast he almost knocked over my stand.
CHRISTINE: A man, huh?
APARICIO: Well he sure wasn't wearing no high heels.
CHRISTINE: Did you get good a look at his face?
APARICIO: Well it happened so fast, I tell ya, that, I mean, he was gone before I could catch my breath.
CHRISTINE: Thanks, Mister...
APARICIO: Aparicio.
CHRISTINE: Aparicio.
APARICIO: Nice meeting ya.
CHRISTINE: Yeah.
APARICIO: Ya..
(Chris walks along and Mary Beth comes out of a shop)
MARY BETH: Mrs. Loomis, the owner of that store, saw the caller and she will come to the precinct when she closes. Is that some luck?
CHRISTINE: Just a little.

[Detectives' Squad room]

(Mary Beth escorts Mrs. Loomis in)
MARY BETH: Lieutenant Samuels, ...Mrs. Loomis.
SAMUELS: This is Mr. Ulricki, our sketch artist.. This is Mrs. Loomis, she's the lady who saw the man in the telephone booth.
ULRICKI: How do you do.
MRS. LOOMIS: How do you do.
SAMUELS: (to Mrs. Loomis) Relax Don't force anything. (to the artist) Don't push her.
MRS. LOOMIS: Oh, I remember him quite clearly. He was about five feet eleven inches. He had fuzzy hair, eyeglasses and a baby face.
ULRICKI: OK, Let me... Let me start with a round kind of face.
MRS. LOOMIS: Oh, all right.
LA GUARDIA: Congratulations, you made Stuyvant's column.
MARY BETH: So where is it? Oh, listen to this. 'Whoever invented the phrase 'The milk of human kindness' never had to break bread with the two female policepersons I met yesterday.'
LA GUARDIA: There's more.
MARY BETH: 'Completely disregarding Luke Powell's efforts at rehabilitation...' Oh geeze.
CHRISTINE: He forgot to mention the crime he committed.
SAMUELS: Lacey, when Don's done with this sketch, I want it wired to every police station in every town Granger ever lectured in. Do you hear?
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
ULRICKI: (gives the sketch to Mrs. Loomis) How about this?
MRS. LOOMIS: Oh, it's really beginning to look like him. (to Samuels) I can't believe you can actually reproduce something like this from a simple description. Yes, yes, that lower lip. It seemed to quiver like when he was talking on the telephone, ..but the hair could be a little darker. Some of it kinda thicker on this side and the other. Jaws I never forget. It was a strong jaw, definitely.
SAMUELS: Let's see what you got, huh?
MRS. LOOMIS: You've done him perfectly.

[Outside the Helen Granger's apartment block]

(Mike Walker has clocked the duo arriving in their car)

[Helen Granger's apartment]

(Mary Beth shows Helen Granger the sketch)
MARY BETH: We're not saying. Would you care to study this? Anyone you recognise?
(the phone goes)
HELEN GRANGER: (into phone) Hello. ...Oh, Jason. (she indicates to the detectives on trace duty that she knows the caller) ...You bet I'm ready. I made a commitment to talk. I didn't cancel my lecture at Village Auditorium and I am not about to cancel because of some psychotic whom they can't catch threatened me.
MARY BETH: Do you think her husband is a possibility?
CHRISTINE: If you were her husband wouldn't you be tempted?
HELEN GRANGER: (into phone) What? ...Huh? ...No, I can't get the sponsor to introduce me. ...Judge Margaret Stockwood? ...Ha, Jason you're a genius. It must have been tough rounding up somebody black, conservative and a mother of four who actually likes me. ...Thanks. ...Muddle on. ...Bye.
(Chris hands her the sketch)
CHRISTINE: Well?
HELEN GRANGER: You are the ones who saw him. I certainly never did.
CHRISTINE: Let's get one thing straight, Mrs. Granger, even though we're not a couple of linebackers from the Jets we've still been assigned to protect you.
HELEN GRANGER: In your fashion.
CHRISTINE: ...(to Mary Beth) Come on, let's get outta here.

[Detectives' Squad room]

SAMUELS: (into phone) I don't wanna go to Hawaii. Why should I fly six thousand miles to stay indoors for nine days, huh? ...Well, huh? ...No, nothing yet. ...Listen, we'll talk about it later.
(as Samuels gets up a witness sitting with Petrie addresses Samuels)
WITNESS: Maui no ka hoi..
SAMUELS: What?
WITNESS: Maui No 1, the best. You'll love it.
SAMUELS: You check out those mug shots, will ya?
WITNESS: I was only trying to be helpful.
LA GUARDIA: (to typist) Suspect has been arrested for armed robbery...
(he pauses as Isbecki sits on the desk eating a roll)
ISBECKI: Do you want some?
LA GUARDIA: Are you kidding? You don't know how many fats and chemicals you're eating.
ISBECKI: It's just pastrami.
LA GUARDIA: Animal fat. ...Parasites. ...Carcinogens. ...Nitrates. ...Sodium.
ISBECKI: Maybe that's why they taste so good, huh?

[Detectives' Squad room]

(the duo comes in)
MARY BETH: Lieutenant, any response on that wired photo we sent out?
SAMUELS: That Loomis broad that we brought up here with the description. She probably didn't see the guy at all.
MARY BETH: What, you think she made all that up?
SAMUELS: Well, who knows. Maybe she that's the way she makes herself feel important. Maybe it's her substitute for sex.
CHRISTINE: When you run short of viologen, Lieutenant, don't give up the comic support.

[14th and Broadway corner]

CHRISTINE: Hey, Mr. Apricio.
APRICIO: Hey, hi, how are ya.
CHRISTINE: Fine. Do you mind if we ask you a few more questions?
APRICIO: No, no, go on right ahead, go ahead.
CHRISTINE: Do you know the guy that was in that phone booth that bumped into your stand here. (she shows him the sketch) I know you didn't get a reasonable look at him but does this do anything to help you remember?
APRICIO: Like I told ya, I never saw his face.
MARY BETH: You don't remember anything about him.
APRICIO: No he had his back to me. Yeah, I was getting pretty peed off. You know, I mean, the guy's... He's on the call over ten minutes. I was running out of hot dogs. I couldn't make a call.
CHRISTINE: So he was in the phone booth for ten minutes?
APRICIO: Yeah, ten minutes.
CHRISTINE: Thank you, Mr. Apricio.
APRICIO: Oh... Right.
CHRISTINE: See you again. ...Ciao.(the duo moves off) Ten minutes.
MARY BETH: Well?
CHRISTINE: The phone calls to Granger never lasted more than a minute. ...He must have been talking to somebody else.
MARY BETH: Good one.

[Detectives' Squad room]

CHRISTINE: (into phone) Miss. Malone? ...Detective Cagney, Fourteenth Precinct. ...Yeah. ...You helped us trace a call from a phone booth in Manhattan with the number, five-five-five nine-eight-three-two. ...That's right. Well we what we need to know is, was another call made from that number minutes before the call to the Granger apartment. ...That's right. ...Terrific, can you get right back to me? ...Thanks.
SAMUELS: (into phone) ....No, I don't need a physical, Thelma. I'm feeling fine. ...Yeah, it was just a heartburn, that was all. ...Yeah. ...I don't have to exercise. No, I get all the exercise I need just walking to the funerals of all my athletic friends....You don't think that's funny, Thelma.
(Chris's phone goes)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Detective Cagney, Fourteenth Precinct. ...Yeah. ...The call was made to Yonkers. Describe his name. ...His name was ...Mike ...Walker. ...And the number? ...One more thing, Miss. Malone, we've got traces on calls made from Utica, Syracuse and Rochester. ....Well, what we want to know if calls to Yonkers were also made from pay phones, ...just before the obscene calls.

[Walker apartment]

CHRISTINE: Mrs. Walker?
MRS. WALKER: Yes.
CHRISTINE: We'd like to talk to you about you son, Mike.
MRS. WALKER: Who are you?
MARY BETH: We're police officers, New York City. I'm Detective Lacey, this is Detective Cagney. Can we come in for a minute?
MRS. WALKER: All Right. ...Is er... Is he in some kind of trouble?
MARY BETH: When was the last time you saw your son?
MRS. WALKER: He's been travelling.
CHRISTINE: Utica, Syracuse, Rochester?
MRS. WALKER: Yeah. Why are you asking all these questions?
MARY BETH: You ever heard of a woman called Helen Granger?
MRS. WALKER: No, and neither has my son.
MARY BETH: How do you know that, Mrs. Walker?
MRS. WALKER: Because he tells me about every girl that he meets. We have a very sincere and open relationship. Michael tells me everything.
CHRISTINE: Well, we have reason to believe that he's been making threatening phone calls to this Helen Granger.
MRS. WALKER: You're wrong! How could he? He don't even know her. You have no right to come into my home and make such ridiculous accusations.
CHRISTINE: We didn't mean to upset you, Mrs. Walker. (picking up a photograph) Is this your son?
MRS. WALKER: Yeah, but he's taken off some weight since that picture. I made him stop eating sweets.
(Mary Beth picks up another photograph)
MARY BETH: Oh, he's gotta merit badge in bee keeping. That's just like my son.
MRS. WALKER: Oh, Michael was an Eagle Scout.
MARY BETH: Yeah, Harvey Jr.'s still just a tenderfoot.
CHRISTINE: We're sorry to have bothered you.
MARY BETH: (gives Mrs. Walker a card) If you hear from your son, we would like to talk to him.
MRS. WALKER: OK.
CHRISTINE: Mrs. Walker, does your son own a gun?
MRS. WALKER: He has the licence for it.
CHRISTINE: Does he carry it with him?
MRS. WALKER: Of course not. He always keeps it here.
(she opens a drawer. It's empty)
MRS. WALKER: It is always there.

[Detectives' Squad room]

MARY BETH: The guy's name is Michael Walker and the picture matches the sketch.
SAMUELS: And what's his relationship with Granger?
CHRISTINE: His mother says he's never met her before in his life.
SAMUELS: He's some kind of psycho.
(Samuels phone goes)
SAMUELS: (into phone) Samuels, Fourteenth Precinct. ...Yeah I know she's going out on that ERA fund-raiser tonight, La Guardia. So what? ...OK. (he rings off) The girl from the office. Says he's just called Granger, said she's never gonna make it to the fund-raiser unless she sees him first.
CHRISTINE: He has a gun, Lieutenant.
SAMUELS: Ha! Why not? Everybody else has. I'll get an EPB out on this guy, Walker. You two get over to Granger's house. Stick on her tail. Don't let her out of your sight. Let's hope she resumes her lecture tour, gets out of town and off our backs.
MARY BETH: Yes sir.
CHRISTINE: Amen.
MARY BETH: Oh!
CHRISTINE: What?
MARY BETH: Harvey.

[Laceys' kitchen/Detectives' Squad room]

(the phone rings. Harvey in a suit and tie answers it)
HARVEY: Hello.
MARY BETH: Hi ya.
HARVEY: Hey, what are you doing? I'm waiting.
MARY BETH: Harve, you're gonna hate me.
HARVEY: Yeah.
MARY BETH: Harve, it's our anniversary.
HARVEY: Yeah, our anniversary, same day every year, last twelve years.
MARY BETH: And you have reservations and everything?
HARVEY: Not everything. So far just reservations.
MARY BETH: I can't make it, baby. I'm on duty.
HARVEY: OK, so you can't make it, you're on duty.
MARY BETH: You're mad?
HARVEY: Mad, I'm not mad.
MARY BETH: Harvey, why do you always keep everything in? When you're mad, say you're mad!
HARVEY: I'm disappointed, what do you expect? It's our anniversary, yeah? ...I'm am not mad.
MARY BETH: Stay up for me, Harve?
MARY BETH: Please.
HARVEY: You know I can't go to sleep without ya. ...Be careful, Mary Beth, eh?
MARY BETH: Yes.

[ Outside Helen Granger's apartment]

(Isbecki is on the fire escape)
ISBECKI: (into walkie-talkie) All clear on nine-twelve. On my way to check nine-fourteen. Out.

[Helen Granger's apartment]

MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) We copy. (to Chris) He loves all that physical stuff. Can't you just picture him leaping from roof to roof.
CHRISTINE: Or tree to tree.
MARY BETH: You OK in there, Mrs. Granger?
HELEN GRANGER [OC]: I'll be right out. I'm just fixing my hair.
CHRISTINE: I don't know if I'm happy with that dress she's got on.
MARY BETH: What the matter with it ?
CHRISTINE: Nothing. I wish I could afford it.
HELEN GRANGER: All ready.
CHRISTINE: Wait a minute. I'll check to make sure that everything's clear.
MARY BETH: Thanks.

[Squad car]

PETRIE: Do you smell that perfume? ...Cagney and Lacey must have been driving this thing around yesterday. ...It's kinda heavy, like mentholated musk.
LA GUARDIA: It's my new cologne.

[Helen Granger's apartment]

(as they begin to leave the phone rings)
HELEN GRANGER: Oh, just what I need right now.
MARY BETH: No you can't wait.
HELEN GRANGER: Don't you believe in women's intuition either, Mrs. Lacey?
(Mary Beth picks up the trace phone and signals Mrs. Granger)
HELEN GRANGER: (into phone) Hello.
MARY BETH: (into walkie-talkie) La Guardia.

[Squad car]

(Chris is now in the car)
LA GUARDIA: (into walkie-talkie) Yeah?
MARY BETH: (on walkie-talkie) We've got a line.

[Helen Granger's apartment/Phone booth]

(Mary Beth is with Helen. The phone goes. It is Mike Walker)
HELEN GRANGER: I really don't have time for this right now. Twelve hundred people have paid ten dollars a piece to hear me speak and I am going to be there.
MICHAEL WALKER: Don't talk to me about twelve hundred people.
(Mary Beth indicates to her to keep talking)
HELEN GRANGER: May I ask you something? What have I ever done to you?
MICHAEL WALKER: You don't listen to me.
MARY BETH: Listen to me, Michael.
MICHAEL WALKER: I'm a friend of your mother's and she is very, very worried about you.
MARY BETH: Who the hell are you?
MARY BETH: It doesn't matter. I saw that picture of you. Were they boy scout uniforms? Geeze, you got a lot of merit badges, didn't you?
MICHAEL WALKER: You were in my house!
MARY BETH: Anyway, your mother wrote you a letter and she had no idea where to send it to, so she gave it to me. Do you wanna hear what she ad to say? ...I got it right here in my purse. Hang on just a second. Helen, would ya hand me my purse , please?
(she picks up the other trace phone)
MARY BETH: Have you got that yet? (into walkie-talkie) 68th and Second. You got that, La Guardia. 68th and Second.

[Squad car]

ISBECKI: Let's go!

[Helen Granger's apartment/Phone booth]

MARY BETH: Right here, Michael. 'Dearest son,...
(the Squad car speeds through Manhattan)
MARY BETH: ...I've been thinking an awful lot about you, Michael., ...and son I wish you'd come on home. Chasing all over the country after that woman. That's foolish.'
MICHAEL WALKER: You bastard. You told my mother about me and Helen.
MARY BETH: Michael, I didn't say anything to her that you would not like her to hear. She told me that you are a very decent young man that wouldn't hurt anybody. And she told me that when you were a kid you wouldn't even step on an ant.

[68th and Second]

(the Squad car arrives. Petrie and La Guardia apprehend Michael Walker)
CHRISTINE: (into phone) Mary Beth. We got him.

[Helen Granger's apartment]

MARY BETH: Mrs. Granger, we got him. (into phone) Chris, can you get over here and take over from me? I gotta chance to establish a couple of minutes of my anniversary.

[Lacey's bedroom]

MARY BETH [OC]: Are you ready?
HARVEY: Yeah!
(Mary Beth enters in the black negligee smoking a cigarette seductively and showing a lot of leg)
HARVEY: That's a nice set of PJs.
MARY BETH: I love myself in silk. ...I hate myself.
HARVEY: Why?
MARY BETH: 'Cos I haven't found you a gift and I've been bashing my brains for weeks and work seemed to pile up so fast...
HARVEY: Hey, do you wanna give me something that would make me really happy?
MARY BETH: Anything. ...You name it.
HARVEY: There you go, speaking to your man. Glad to see you learned something from this Helen Granger.
MARY BETH: Oh, yes, she's smart ... and she's sassy ...and I wish she was on our side. So what can I give you that would make you really happy?
HARVEY: (indicating her cigarette) Give that up..
MARY BETH: Oh, you're kidding!
HARVEY: Am I? Read statistics up on women smokers recently?
MARY BETH: Harvey, it's not a real present.
HARVEY: If I have ten more years with you ...it's one hell of a present.
(she stubs out the cigarette, crumples the packet and throws it away)
MARY BETH: Happy anniversary.

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